Holy fucking shit. This week's slate of games is fucking brutal. Good teams playing good teams. Shitty teams playing shitty teams. Fucking enigma teams playing other fucking enigma teams. This could be a blood bath. There's your warning. I have no fucking idea on the majority of these.
Home team in CAPS
JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Kansas City
And here we got with shitty vs. shitty matchup number 1. Ugh. Kansas City flat out sucks. The Jags gave the Titans their first win last week despite an epic effort from Maurice Jones-Drew. Plus, there's this nugget from Peter King's picks column...
Wow. I kinda wish he had said "my axe" or "my resume" but still, that's not a good thing. Whatever though, like I said, KC sucks and if the Jags have any pride at all, which is apparently in some serious doubt, they'll take care of business at home.
"I hear Jack Del Rio was found, in a daze, walking aimlessly around the parking lot at the team's stadium and practice facility the other night. A security guard approached. 'Coach, can I help you find something," the guard said. Del Rio looked up. 'Our heart," he said."
CINCINNATI (+3) over Baltimore
If the Bengals weren't coming off of their bye week I'd probably take the Ravens. But Cincy has had two weeks to get ready for a game that has HUGE division and playoff implications. I think they get it done with Ochocinco running wild in the Ravens' suspect secondary.
INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Houston
With all the talk about how this is the biggest game in Houston franchise history, this has all the makings of an epic shitbeating that just fucking destroys the will of a fanbase. Peyton Manning knows he's going to have to light shit up after a slew of defensive injuries hit the Colts this week so he's going to be a fucking madman out there. We're looking at something like 5 TD passes from him.
ATLANTA (-10) over Washington
Suicide pick alert! Matt Ryan is going to get back on track after an unimpressive 3-game stretch. And if he doesn't? I'm going to fly to Atlanta and rape him with a Natty Ice can. Also, I implore any Redskins fans (hell, even Falcons fans!) going to this game to bring as many anti-Dan Snyder signs as possible. That little midget doesn't have any power in Hotlanta!! Skewer his ass, people!
Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY
Kinda weird for the Packers to have a must-win against a winless team, but here we are. And that's about all I have to say about this game. Fucking boring.
Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO
Man, Arizona really fucked things up last week, huh? Dickwads. And yet, I'm picking them. Am I confident? Fuck no. These two teams are both complete mindfucks. Fuck them both.
NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Miami
Let's take a second to talk about Joey 'Fuckhead' Porter. Porter has spent the week spouting his tired bullshit about how the Pats are cheaters and blah fucking blah fucking blah. We get it dude. You're a bitter piece of shit with no self esteem and an overinflated ego. Whatever. But this week, in addition to his usual verbal puke, he brought up the Tom Brady Rule and cried about how Brady lobbied for a flag and got it thrown, so therefore Brady gets special treatment.
Now, the play in question was dubious, and even though the call was correct, it probably wasn't a play that warranted a flag. I'll freely admit that, and that Brady and the other elite quarterbacks around the league definitely do get protected and yeah, it's annoying.
But what pisses me off, is this idea that the flag was only thrown because Brady lobbied for a flag and that he gets whatever he wants. EVERY MOTHER FUCKING PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE LOBBIES FOR FLAGS! Watch any fucking pass play that gets broken up and the receiver usually hops up looking for a flag. Someone rushing the passer gets held a little bit and they start looking for a flag. Someone's facemask gets brushed and the runner gets up yanking on on his mask in effort to get the flag. False starts, offsides, fucking everything! So yes, the rules protecting the QBs in the league are a little ridiculous, but let's the cut the shit when it comes to claiming that they can ask for flags are get them on any play. Fuck off, Joey Porter.
And as far the game goes. Pats coming off a bye and Brady taking advantage of injuries to the Miami secondary means this is gonna be another blowout and the Dolphins can shut the fuck up (even though they won't) about the division still going through them. Last year was a fucking fluke, you assholes. And you had the same record as the Pats, who played with Matt Cassel for the entire god damn year. God I fucking hate the Dolphins.
And as a bonus, I'm going to be witnessing the carnage in person. Fuck. Yes. SQUISH THE FISH!
NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Carolina
Thanks to the Panthers for taking out some people in my suicide pools last week. I appreciate it. I don't know if the Saints can go undefeated, but I do get the feeling that they'll be unbeaten when the Pats come to town in a few weeks.
SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit
Yikes. This line scares the shit out of me. Hasselbeck better get this team together and shit all over the Lions or I'm screwed here.
Tennessee (+4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Taking the Titans two weeks in a row? I'm a fucking idiot.
San Diego (+5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Again, no fucking clue. If this game were at 1, I'd take the Giants. But since it's at 4:15, I think the Chargers won't be as fucked by the time change and will send us one step closer to a Tom Coughlin meltdown.
PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas
I can't wait to watch Roy Williams drop more passes after his dipshit comments earlier in the week. Oh, you're not trying to be a T.O.? Well maybe you should be, because even as T.O. was running his mouth in Dallas, at least he was producing on the fucking field. Jackass.
Pittsburgh (-3) over DENVER
Time for Denver to fade back to the pack and make the race for the 2nd playoff bye wide fucking open.
And just in case you didn't get it the first; I have no mother fucking clue this week. Follow these picks at your own fucking risk.
