Monday Morning Eff You: January 4, 2010

Holy fuck it's 2010! Time to kick things off right with a whole new batch of Fuck Yous!

1. The turf at Reliant Stadium
MOTHER. FUCKER. God fucking dammit. I really did not need to start out Week 17 by watching Wes Welker fucking destroy his ACL and MCL on the first series of the game. Fucking shit. Even more annoying was the fact that Bernard Pollard was involved, if only because we had to listen to every dipshit in the fucking world talk about Pollard being "involved" in both Brady's and Welker's injuries. That's just fucking lazy, and I know plenty about being lazy.

2. The Cincinnati Bearcats
Ooooh, look at you in pretty white helmets! Fucking douchebags. The second I saw those stupid white helmets I knew Florida was going to rape Cincy all over the fucking field. And normally I wouldn't give a shit, but the Tebow fellatio reached a point where I was absolutely DYING to switch to a Brett Favre game. And we all know how I feel about that fuck.

And while we're here, a final fuck you to the BCS for not having TCU or Boise State play Florida. Sure, maybe the results would have been similar, but now we'll never know. All we'll know is who wins the "kids' table" Bowl tonight. Fucking boring.

3. BoozeRob
Booze wanted me to include going back to work here. Well fuck that. Hey asshole, not everyone's company gives its employees a two-week vacation at the end of the year. AND not everyone is so fucking uncoordinated that they break their ankle playing catch at a tailgate to get even more time off. Some of us have been working this entire time so fuck off! And hey, welcome back to work, buddy!

4. The Bathroom Scale
We're T-minus 4 months and counting from the due date of my baby (boy. Be a boy!) and it's about time to start getting my fat ass into shape. Fuck. It's going to fucking suck. And tomorrow after work I'm gonna kick things off by weighing myself just to see how fucking disgusting I really am. I am fucking dreading it. It should go something like this: strip buck ass fucking naked, step on scale, squint to see numbers, smash scale to fucking smithereens, kill myself. Sounds fun, huh? And then after I kill myself I'll start my stupid workout that is actually for chicks. That's right, I'm so fucking out of shape that I'm starting out with a workout designed for women. Fuck me right in the gut.

Happy New Year! And The Late Late Edition of MMFU

Hey everyone! Happy fucking New Year! Some people love New Year's Eve, others fucking hate it, I fall somewhere in the middle. House party NYEs were always my favorite. It's pretty much all people that you know and like. There's usually a few prospects for drunken hooking up and best of all, the booze is free and easy to access. Heading downtown to an "open" bar for $100+? Well you are a fucking sucker. Jesus christ there is no worse NYE experience than shit like that. You pay a fuckload of money to get in and of course the bar is at max capacity so it takes a half hour to get a drink and then some drunk meathead bumps you and spills your drink everywhere and you're back at square one. Plus it's always 1000 degrees in there. Just a giant clusterfuck all around, including trying to find a cab at the end of the night. Just terrible. But even with all of that, it's still a night out getting drunk and that's fine with me.

What I don't get are the people who actively hate NYE. Booze and I have a friend who fucking despises NYE and bitches about it every fucking year. Well, at least he used to before the three of us moved to different corners of the country. It was fucking annoying and I wanted to slap him in the balls every time he started ranting. I mean, yeah, it's not the greatest night in the world but it's an excuse to go get fucking blind drunk so what the fuck are you bitching about?

This year my night is going to be pretty god damn tame. Wifey is 22 weeks pregnant so she obviously isn't going to be involved in any wild shenanigans, and quite frankly, I'm still exhausted from hosting 18 family members at our apartment for Christmas dinner. So the plan is to go out for a nice dinner and then come home and play Band Hero and Mario Party while I pound down a couple bottles of champagne. None for you, Woman!

My apologies for the lack of posting over the last week. Hey, it's the fucking holidays and I'm fucking lazy. Plus I just got a Droid (fuck yeah!) and all of my free time is now spent downloading apps and checking twitter and shit on the Droid while my laptop sits 2 feet away fully capable of doing the exact same stuff.

Anyway, since there was no MMFU this week, let's air some grievances right here about stuff from the last week that deserves that giant middle finger. Where's my buddy?




There he is! Let's do this fucking thing.

1. The Indianapolis Colts
What a bunch of fucking pussies. Let's get this straight right now, this was not a case of resting the starters to get ready for the playoffs. This was that fucking gorilla piece of shit whiny cocksucking douchebag crybaby Bill Polian and his ventriloquist dummy Jim Caldwell completely pussing out about possibly going 16-0. If you're going to rest your players, fucking do it. Don't play your big guns past the halfway mark of the 3rd quarter and then give the game away. Fucking pathetic. "Oh shit! We're about to go 15-0! We can't have that. Better put in Curtis Painter right fucking now!"

I fucking hate Colts fans, but kudos to them for booing the shit out of the team after that decision was made. How many 14-0 teams have ever been booed in their own stadium? And kudos to everyone who called in to Bill Polian's show to bitch him out so much that he ended the show early because, like he showed on Sunday, he's a fucking coward.

Yes, you could argue that going for 19-0 put so much pressure on the Pats that it ultimately cost them the Super Bowl. But that's a ridiculously different situation than the Colts were in at this point. The Patriots were already the most hated team in the NFL going in to the 2007 season thanks to the 3 Super Bowl wins earlier in the decade. Then Spygate happened. Then all of the running up the score shit happened. Then Mercury Morris was on tv every week. Then they became the first team every to go 16-0. Then Randy Moss faced domestic violence accusations during the playoffs. Then on the day before the Super Bowl John fucking Tomase came out with the bullshit story about filming the Rams' walk through before Super Bowl 36.
Now let's take a look at what the Colts faced this year...um, nothing? Have you even heard a peep from Mercury this year? I mean if HE doesn't give a shit about the Colts going 16-0 then no one does!
Ultimately I'm super fucking happy that Polian and Caldwell made this decision because it created a shitstorm of negativity and bad karma that never would have happened had they just done the logical thing and not played any starters for the entire game against the Jets or even Buffalo.

2. ESPN
This has been discussed on every blog on the planet but I just wanted to mention how disgusting the coverage of Brett Favre was on Monday night. I think Gruden and Jaworski have Favre real dolls in the booth so they can figuratively fuck him in the ass while giving him an on air blow job for the entire game. Thank god for Adrian Petersen and his fumbly ways.

3. The three other people left in my suicide pool
Fucking LOSE! Jesus christ how the fuck does this happen? Every year I'm out by fucking week 4 and this year I make it all the way to the end and there are 3 other people with me? Bullshit! My pick this week is the Niners and if there is any certainty in life, it's that I'll make it through 16 weeks of suicide picks only to lose in the final week and miss out on the money. Fuck.

4. BoozeRob
Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything in a week but you know what? At least I'm fucking working or playing with my Droid (the phone) ( and my penis), but this fucking guy has just been sitting at home with his broken ankle for the past 3 weeks all he's managed is a half-assed DOTW post about Mike Holmgren? Fucking A, man! As Peter King would you say, you define laziness. You'd think we could get a picks column for the upcoming bowl games but that's not gonna happen. Booze is going to a wedding tonight and the odds of him getting drunk and fucking up his ankle even more have been taken off the board in Vegas.

Rebuttal from Boozerob:
Fuck you, I'm on Vacation. Bitch at BamaDawg and his 7 collective posts. Then again he is in Missouri for a wedding. Speaking of weddings, I've  been busy the last week doing wedding stuff all week for a wedding I'm going to tonight. So fuck you. And seriously, way to get a fucking smart phone FINALLY. Welcome to 2002 you red headed fuck.

5. Urban Meyer, Mike Leach and every other big name college football coach
These guys are fucking assholes. Can we stop being surprised when they do shit like quit the team for health reasons and family first bullshit and then flip flop the next day. Or when they stuff concussed kids in closets or whatever the fuck happened down in Texas. Seriously, that story is out of control and I don't know what to fucking think. But seriously, let's cut the shit with these guys. They're all jerks who are in a position of power so fuck yeah they're gonna act like jerks! I sure as fuck would!

6. Week 17 Picks
Fucking crapshoot. Every fucking year. So no picks column this week. I'll be back for the playoffs.

7. The Mark Show
I'd say this post is long enough, eh? I'm fucking tired.
I hope everyone has a great night. Just don't get so drunk that you piss in the dryer (Booze) or worse (Mark Show).

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 14

First things first, let's all wish BoozeRob good luck as he goes in for surgery on his broken ankle this morning. Although not too much luck, since that clumsy fucker had the balls to whine about having to get to the hospital at 6am. Cry me a fucking river, asshole. I'm up that early all the fucking time. And it's not like you're getting up for a long day of work or some shit. They're gonna fucking gas the fuck out of you and you'll get to sleep all day. Doesn't really sound that bad to me. Quit your bitching you pussy! And if the doctor fucks up your surgery, be sure to slap him right in the cock for being an incompetent douche.

Before we get to Sunday's games, let's talk about the Steelers for a second, ok? Don't these shitheads realize that it's the LOSING Super Bowl team that's supposed to miss the playoffs the next year? First Seattle makes it back to the playoffs in 2006, and now Arizona is headed that way while the Steelers are off losing to Oakland and the fucking Browns. You fuckers are doing it wrong! It makes me happy, but it's still annoying, if that makes sense.

On to the games!

Home team in CAPS

New Orleans (-9.5) over ATLANTA
If Matt Ryan were playing I'd probably take Atlanta but Chris Redman is gonna get eaten up by the Saints defense. And if we learned anything from last week's comeback against the Redskins, it's this: Don't be stupid enough to offer to let people come shoot your tv if the Saints win. I'm really flabbergasted by this one. I mean, if you're rooting for the Saints, why would you want something terrible to happen if they end up winning? Why ruin the win? Fucking Louisiana hicks.



Green Bay (-3.5) over CHICAGO

Another Cutler sulkfest on its way! He's gonna throw at least 3 picks in this game. He's fucking awful.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Denver

Sigh. God I fucking hate the Colts, but what Peyton Manning is doing this year is downright amazing. They've got a fucking mute for a coach and still Manning has this team undefeated. It's incredible. Now let's see if we can get some sort of Curse of Sorgi going on.

Buffalo (+0.5) over KANSAS CITY

I always love when the spread is only a half point. Like they can't just make it a pick, gotta throw that half point in there so money changes hands in the event of a tie. After getting the Darrelle Revis treatment last weekend, I'm guessing we see a big game from TO.

New York Jets (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY

Am I the only one who kinda thinks Kellen Clemens is an upgrade at this point? I am? Well fuck off.

JACKSONVILLE (-2.5) over Miami

There is ZERO fucking chance that the Dolphins play well in this game. Zero. They blew their collective load last week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-13.5) over Detroit

With all the talk about how shitty Joe Flacco has been lately, this is just the team he needs to see to get his head on straight for a game. And it will give all the suck ass Ravens fans a glimmer of hope before they shit the bed later on. Always fun to see that happen. And if they can't cover this spread, well then I'm blaming those crooked fucking zebras. They're always fucking over Baltimore!

HOUSTON (-7.5) over Seattle

So long, Steve Slaton. A billion fantasy owners fucking hate your guts now. I hope you're happy.

Cincinnati (+6.5) over MINNESOTA

Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue.

NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) over Carolina

Not the most fun week to be a Pats fan. First the loss on Sunday, then we've got Belichick sending players home, Adalius Thomas opening his mouth like a fucking idiot, and now Brady may or may not have broken or cracked ribs. Fuck me in the goat ass. What we need here is a good old fashioned hippie ass whomping. And I think it's coming. I do not envy Matt Moore this week.

TENNESSEE (-12.5) over St. Louis

Suicide pick alert! Do I want the Titans to make the playoffs? Yes. Do I want the Pats to play them in the playoffs? Fuck. No. So I guess that kinda means I don't want the Titans to make the playoffs. Whatever.

OAKLAND (+1.5) over Washington

Bruce Gradkowski! Hey, how about a round of applause for my polish brother's 4th quarter performance last week. We pollacks gotta stick together!

San Diego (+3.5) over DALLAS

God damn you punters of the NFL. You're running out of games to hit that fucking video board! Do we need to start pooling money together to give you some incentive? Fuck!

NEW YORK GIANTS (-0.5) over Philadelphia

Nothing that happens with this game will surprise me. A high scoring shootout. A scoreless tie. A blowout either way. It's a crapshoot picking these teams under normal circumstances but stick them together and it's a fucking diarrhea shoot.

Arizona (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Meh. I just don't care about the NFC West.

Since that would be a shitty way to end this post, let's end it on a more literal shitty note. This morning I woke up, and as a pleasant surprise, I didn't have to shit before I got in the shower. You see, I like to take my morning dump once I get to work. Pooping on company time is better than pooping on my time. But lately, for the last two weeks or so, I've had to go immediately after waking up, and it's really starting to annoy me. Ok, so this morning I was pumped that things seemed to be back to normal so I hopped in the shower and lathered up. As soon as I got done and started drying off, it hit me. I had to shit. Fuuuuuuuck! Taking a shit immediately after a shower is one of the worst fucking things EVER. First of all, you're all fresh and clean and immediately render the shower practically moot. Like it was just a fucking waste of time. And second, you can never dry off enough so your legs and ass are still kinda wet and you're just sliding around on the toilet seat. Fucking sucks.

So that got me thinking about the worst shitting situations that actually involve a toilet. We'll leave camping and emergency or involuntary situations out of this. Here's my top 5, in no particular order:

1. Immediately after showering: Described above.

2. Mid workout: You're all fucking sweaty so you've got the sliding on the seat thing going on, plus you have to pause your workout. I clip my Ipod Nano on my shorts so when I go to pull them down I always forget about the headphones and they practically rip my ears off.

3. In a porta-potty at a tailgate: First, it's fucking disgusting. Second, everyone knows what you're doing in there. And third, you face even further embarrassment if it happens to be a particularly loud pooping session.

4. At a restaurant on a date: You just finish destroying a 22 oz. porterhouse and that bad boy makes it through you fucking immediately. Then you have to excuse yourself and leave the poor girl all alone while you destroy the bathroom. Always awkward coming back to the table after that.

5. At the new girlfriend's apartment: At a certain point in a relationship, the poop barrier gets crossed and you both accept the fact that you are human beings and that you do, in fact, shit. But early in the relationship, absofuckinglutely not.

Let me know what I left out in the comments.

Dorn of the Week: Tiger Woods

Well we all knew this was coming, right? Unless you're a fucking dipshit you know that this week's Dorn award goes to Tiger Woods. Unless you've been camped out under a fucking rock for the past week and a half you know the story in a nutshell: Tiger has been fucking around on Elin with a shitload of different chicks. What an asshole. And a few of the alleged home wreckers are fucking U-G-L-Y. Jesus, if you're gonna go cheat on your Swedish supermodel wife, at least make it worthwhile.

I'm not gonna sit here and rehash every little thing about this story, but I just wanted to mention why this whole thing REALLY has me pissed off. From now until fucking eternity, EVERY time my wife and I are together and we see something related to Tiger, an ad, a golf tournament, whatever, she's going to have some snide remark about his cheating ass. EVERY. TIME. It's not as bad as the "If Tiger cheats and you still like him that means you're ok with cheating!" bullshit that I'm sure millions of husbands are going to have to deal with, but it's annoying nonetheless. So fuck you very much for that, Tiger.

Update: Completely forgot to throw this video in here. Bad job by me.

PS - I would have loved to give the Dorn to BoozeRob for breaking his fucking ankle this weekend. Way to go dickhead. Now your poor wife has to take care of your fucking gimpy ass for god knows how long while you sit there and play Xbox and get high on percocets? Fuck that. If I were her I'd take the power cables from all your video game consoles. What are you gonna do, chase her? Nope, you'd be fucked. And then you'd cry. Just like Tim Tebow. Cry, Booze, cry!