MMFU: Eff 600

1. ESPN and any other station interrupting regular programs to show A-Rod's at-bats

Alex Rodriguez is sitting on 599 career home runs and at some point in the near future will hit number 600. Good for him. Only six other players have ever done that. But holy shit is it really such a big deal that ESPN needs to interrupt whatever they're showing so we can watch every at-bat until he finally hits a bomb? Fuck. No.

Seriously, who gives a shit? A-Rod's in the prime of his career and might end up with over 800 home runs if he stays healthy. It's not like he's some declining superstar like Griffey clinging to the tail end of his career trying to reach one last milestone. Sure, it'd be kind of cool to actually be in the ball park when A-Rod hits No. 600 but I guarantee you no one in their right mind is watching ESPN during Yankee games and waiting for them to switch to an A-Rod at-bat.

It's fucking stupid and annoying and it really pisses me off.

2. Dez Bryant

Dez Bryant is making news this morning because he refused to participate in rookie "hazing" and wouldn't carry Roy Williams' pads after practice. And now we've got dipshits like Peter King praising him and saying it's good that someone is taking a stand.

Fuck that. Is hazing stupid? Yes. Is Roy Williams a shitty fucking receiver dipshit? Yes. But jesus, it's not like Bryant is being asked to do anything outlandish or humiliating. Just carry the fucking pads, asshole. Big fucking deal.

Enjoy being taped to the goal post later this week, rookie. What an ass.

3. The Weather Channel

Look, I know I shouldn't take the weather forecast to the bank or anything but shit, don't tell me it's going to thunderstorm all day and then have it be sunny and hot as shit with no clouds instead. Now you might be saying, "Isn't that a better alternative?" Of course it is, in most cases. But this time it meant having to do 4 hours worth of destruction on a wild rose bush in the blazing sun, cutting my hands and forearms on the thorns, and getting burnt to shit since I was too stupid to put any sunscreen on. My arms are going to be peeling like CRAZY in a few days.

MMFU: This Weekend Was Awesome

Since this weekend was pretty much fucking awesome for me we're doing something a little different for the Monday Morning Fuck You. Fuck Yous versus Fuck Yeahs! Let's jump right in!

1. Fuck Yeah: Hanging out and boozing with friends from college all weekend
Earlier in the week one of my best friends had his 30th birthday. He's the first in my group of friends to hit the dreaded milestone and his wife organized a surprise weekend for him at a condo up on Lake Winnipesaukee. I arrived first, early in the afternoon and as the day went on, 3 more of our friends, all of whom were in my wedding party, showed up with their wives as well. A 5:45am wakeup call to golf on Saturday didn't stop us from boozing until almost 3am shooting the shit, busting each other's balls and just generally having a great time. Like I said in Friday's post, that type of shit hardly ever happens anymore so we all wanted to take advantage.

Golfing on 3 hours of sleep? Fucking awesome. Cigars at 8am? Fucking awesome. Hanging out without the wives around? Earmuffs, ladies...fucking awesome. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had shaved 2 measly strokes off of my round to break 100. Fucking 101. Probably shouldn't have 4-putted that one hole. Balls.

After golf it was back to the condo for lunch and then beach time. It was cloudy and windy but so fucking what? It was still awesome. Watching the soccer game? Not so awesome, but we'll get to that later. The big birthday BBQ/Luau? You guessed it! Fucking awesome. All in all, just a kickass weekend that needs to happen way more often than it actually does. Getting old fucking blows.

2. Fuck You: The Soccer Game
Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? A goal in the 6th minute to start the game and then a goal in the 3rd minute of overtime? What the fuck? And can we get someone on the damn team who can actually finish? Jesus christ, put it in the back of the damn net, jerks!

I never felt comfortable about this US team's chances for one reason: Bob Bradley looks WAY too much like Dick Jauron. It depressed me every time they showed him because thoughts of Jauron's incompetence leaped into my brain instantly. You can't win with the stink of Jauron in the mix.

I know the diving and flopping and stalling and all that bullshit is part of soccer and it's probably not going to change anytime soon but the end of that game was a god damn disgrace. Hey ref, how about carding those fuckers to get them to stop with the bullshit for a little bit, huh? Everyone in the fucking world knew exactly what they were doing and I'm sure you did too. For god's sake that one piece of shit dropped dead after doing a bicycle kick with no one within 10 feet of him, laid there like a corpse, got taken off on a stretcher, and then immediately hopped up and walked around on the sidelines. That is fucking ridiculous. And the dude who scored the winning goal? He stopped play at the end of regulation because he got "kicked" in the chest and "couldn't" get up. And when he finally did get up after play was stopped he clutched his chest like Jack Bauer had just taken an axe to it. Poor thing. So what does he do after he scored a goal 5 minutes later? The motherfucker starts pounding his chest with his fist, a la Kevin Garnett. So I guess the "injury" wasn't that bad, huh?

The entire tournament is being marred by shitty officiating and the pathetic flopping. That kind of stuff was fine back in the day but now we've reached the point where tv coverage is so good that we get to see every replay multiple times and can see that a lot of the calls being made are complete bullshit. And we can see just how badly these assholes are diving to get calls from the officials. Unfortunately, FIFA seems content to just keep their eyes closed and their ears plugged and ignore the massive amount of criticism that is headed in their direction. Fucking assholes.

3. Fuck Yeah: Scotch!
I've discussed before how I'm effectively banned from having scotch, deservedly so. But this weekend? I had some! And it was fucking good! Next scotch appointment? August 9th. MY 30th birthday. I can already taste it. Mmmmmm.

4. Fuck You: Mosquitoes
God damn piece of shit bloodsuckers. I'm all kinds of itchy today because of you little fucks. And the most annoying part is that yesterday I wasn't itchy at all so I thought I had somehow escaped the weekend without being bitten. Yeah, not quite. Bur.

5. Fuck Yeah AND Fuck You: Cornhole, Ladder Golf, Washer Toss
Fuck Yeah because I fucking LOVE playing games like these. Especially cornhole. It's the type of stupid, random activity that I generally kick ass at. So after talking shit about the last time we were all together and Wifey and I went undefeated in cornhole you can probably guess what happened. Got fucking destroyed. It didn't help that my partner (not Wifey) was god damn worthless and didn't score a single point but still, not a good showing. Then it was time for ladder golf with Wifey as my partner and not only did we blow an early lead and lose, but she scored more points than me. Annoying. Yet still fun as shit.

6. Fuck Yeah: Baby Mark Show
5 total hours of driving with no stops because Baby Mark Show was perfectly behaved on both rides. Clutch sleeping at night in a house full of people with no crying to wake anyone up. Well behaved the entire weekend. Flirting his ass off with the girl baby who was there. Pretty much a no-hitter for Baby Mark Show. And he didn't even need 149 pitches like Edwin Jackson. Bravo, little buddy.

And to wrap things up, I know I said it before, but I'm saying it again...this weekend was fucking awesome.

Monday Morning Eff You: March 1, 2010

Hey, hey! Getting this bad boy posted on a Monday for once! Fuck yeah!

1. Canada
Oh you lucky shithead puck freaks. God it would have been fucking awesome if the US team had pulled off the upset last night. The entire country would have been absolutely devastated. But nooooo, Sid the Kid had to go and throw a fucking hail mary at the net and somehow sneak it through the 5-hole. Oh well. It would have been nice to get the gold there but 5 minutes after the game I had moved on. I mean, it's fucking hockey. I enjoyed the shit out of the game and that's good enough. What pisses me off, though, is this whole 4-0n-4 overtime bullshit. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder hockey is a such a JV sport. Can you imagine if the NBA went to 4-on-4 for OT? It's fucking stupid. People complain about shootouts but is way fucking worse. Whatever.

2. The Celtics
Holy shit are you assholes fucking kidding me?? Losing to the Nets? At home??? Wow. I guess it's just about time to stick a fork in this season, huh? Believe me, I'm not going to give up on the team outright but that was pretty demoralizing. I didn't watch the game, but I can only assume that Nate Robinson is a little fucking midget cancer. And don't let BoozeRob tell you differently!

3. Marco Materazzi
I know, I know. Who?? Well, Matterazi is the guy who got famously head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final that Italy eventually won in penalty kicks. Today I was checking the sports headlines and on cnnsi.com the headline was this:

Zidane: I 'rather die' than apologize for actions

My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Wow. Zidane is such a fucking asshole that he doesn't even give a shit that he might have cost his team the World Cup by getting red carded in Extra Time?" So I clicked on the link and found out that headline is quite misleading. Zidane has repeatedly apologized to his teammates and soccer fans and pretty much everyone except for Materazzi. And seriously, why the fuck would he apologize to him? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

But that's not the point here, the point is this:

Materazzi recently told Italy's La Repubblica paper he was still waiting for Zidane to apologize and that he was still so angry over the incident that he won't even watch this year's tournament in South Africa.

Are you fucking kidding me, buddy? You really expect anyone to believe that load of bullshit? Oh yeah, I'm sure you're REALLY upset about trashing Zidane's sick mother, baiting him into head-butting you, getting him kicked out of the game and helping your team win the World fucking Cup. I'm just so sure that it just eats you up inside that he hasn't apologized. Seriously, die in a fire. There's no fucking way that you actually boycott watching the World Cup this year. And if you do? Well then you're just a fucking tool.

4. Jimmy Clausen
Scouts at the NFL Combine have reportedly discovered that Clausen is a cocky piece of shit douchebag. In other news, the rest of the world already fucking knew that. Jesus christ I can't wait to see Clausen plummet on draft day and then fail in the NFL. Brady Quinn 2.o here we come!

Monday Morning Eff You: Another Late Edition!

Alright, it's time for another Tuesday edition of MMFU, thanks to the awesomeness of the three day weekend provided by President's Day! Oh, did you not have Monday off? Fucking sucker.

1. The Olympic Fire Cauldron
Was there any doubt that the Canadians would find a way to fuck up the Opening Ceremonies? I mean, ANY doubt? Of course not. I'm just pissed that I sat through almost the entire telecast and then decided to go to bed before witnessing this absolute debacle. The funniest part about the whole thing is that it was Wayne Gretzky who didn't get to light his part of the flame. I mean, really? Kick Steve Nash or one of those other jerks out if you have to but you can't seriously tell me that it was the Great One who got the shaft here. Fucking priceless.

2. NBC
Forget the commercial-ridden coverage, the fucking moronic tape delay nonsense, the glossing over of the luger's death, the predictable "heart-warming" fluff stories and everything else, what really pissed me off was on Saturday when NBC had a segment pointing out the other mishaps in recent Opening Ceremonies. Look, assholes, they fucked up the MOST important part of the whole show! Lighting the torch is the culmination of the whole night and Canada fucked up. Just make fun of them like everyone else and move the fuck on.

3. The Mark Show
Now, I already said that I wrote my Olympic post before seeing Bill Simmons' repost on ESPN, but that doesn't excuse me from making pretty much every joke that he had already made. EIGHT years ago. I don't claim to be any sort of comedic genius but god damn that was some hackey shit. Made me feel dirty. Not dirty enough to take the post down or anything, but still, dirty all the same. Whatever.

4. Everyone except me who was just driving on Route 128 South
Jesus fuck, assholes. It's just a little snow! It's not even accumulating on the roads and yet you fuckers slow down to 10 miles an hour and clog everything up. Fucking jerks. I'm in a god damn hurry to get home and sit on the couch all night. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!

5. The Slam Dunk Contest
Ok, so I didn't watch it and I haven't seen a single highlight but from everything I've heard and read this was the worst dunk contest of all time. They need to up the stakes and get some marquee names in there or it's only going to get worse as we go forward. 10 years ago (holy SHIT I am old) we had pretty much reached this same abyss where the dunk contests were fucking terrible and then Vince Carter came along and resurrected everything. Well, we're at that point again and the only way this event is going to be saved is if Lebron is in it next year. What the fuck is your problem, Lebron? Get in there and fucking wow us! Asshole.

Monday Morning Eff You: The Late Edition!

Well, I'm still at home, in bed, thanks to my fucking piece of shit lower back, but now I've got the computer in bed with me and I'm not hopped up on painkillers so I can do this thing.

1. Peyton Manning
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, seriously, could there have been a more perfect way for the Colts to blow that game? No fucking way. That pick six was fucking glorious. Almost orgasmic. Tracy Porter is the fucking balls. He picked off Brett Favre two weeks ago and now he clinches the Super Bowl by taking a Manning pass to the house. Fucking. Awesome.

I also enjoyed Manning's half-assed effort to make a tackle. What a fucking twat. And GINORMOUS fuck you to anyway trying to claim that a flag should have been thrown for a block in the back on Manning. Seriously, fuck off. He wasn't making any attempt to tackle him, and he wasn't even facing the right fucking direction! Do we really have nothing left to do these days than nitpick little shit like that? Just fucking enjoy the play!

2. Tony Dungy
Did you see Dungy pop off last week before the game? You didn't? Oh well let me inform you...

"I think they're going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, 'Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship,' " Dungy said of Manning on Thursday. "He's going to have those rings Sunday night. I don't think it's going to be close. Minnesota is playing in New Orleans, they turn the ball over five times, have two or three stupid penalties and still lose in overtime, I don't see how it's going to be close. The Colts aren't going to turn it over seven times."

Well Tony, you were right about one thing, the Colts didn't turn it over seven times. All it took was one ho-hum interception returned for a TD. And I won't even get started on his cheap shots at Brady and Belichick.

But seriously, can everyone stop acting like Tony Dungy is such a fucking saint? (Ha, saint, Saints. Take that you fucker!) I actually kind of like that Dungy seems to have lost his mind with this interview. Makes him seem like an actual human being instead of the humanity robot that everyone makes him out to be. Look, people of the media, Tony Dungy is just as much of an asshole as every other coach in the NFL. Sure, he puts up a nice facade and speaks softly and hypnotizes you and all that bullshit but deep down he's an asshole like everyone else. Everyone talks about Dungy's faith and that he's almost like a preacher and shit but I really don't buy it. I hate to go down this road, and I mean no disrespect to the deceased, but his son fucking killed himself. Everyone talks about Dungy's influence on Mike Vick and everyone else but conveniently forgets about the fact that his own child took his own life. It's tragically sad and it's not that I want it brought up on national TV or anything, but it shouldn't just be forgotten that the saint and father figure of the NFL didn't even take care of his own son.

Now I feel dirty, let's move on.

3. Everyone who hyped up the Tim Tebow "anti-abortion" ad
Seriously? That was it? I was all fucking fired up to be outraged and then they hit us with this bullshit? Fuck that.



What a piece of shit commercial. Speaking of commercials....

4. Anyone at the party discussing the commercials for more than 2 seconds
Courtesy of D. Chuck:

A big hearty fuck you to people who spend more than one second talking about Super Bowl commercials. Jesus living fuck people, they're fucking commercials. Digest them for the 30 seconds that they're on, laugh if they're funny, consider buying the product if you find said product intriguing, or tell everyone in the room that the commercial sucked, and then move on. But you know who's even worse than the people who limit their fucking idiocy to merely talking about the goddamn commercials? People who insist on writing a wrap-up newspaper or internet column rating the fucking commercials during the Super Bowl. My fucking rageahol is off the damn charts with these fucking idiots. We don't need a column ranking the top 5 and bottom 5 commercials. We don't need a column with a fucking grading system for the commercials. We don't need any sort of hackneyed, lazy "thumbs up/down" bullshit. People - and I cannot stress this enough - there's a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME GOING ON. Enough with the goddamn hoopla about the commercials! Fuck!

Rageahol. I like that. But he's right, the commercials are a fucking afterthought. I blame the late '80s and entire '90s for all this commotion about the commercials. A lot of people have brought this up recently, but for a long time, the Super Bowl fucking sucked. With the exception of Joe Montana driving the length of the field against the Bengals (isn't it bizarre to think fo the Bengals being in a Super Bowl?) and the Scott Norwood Wide Right game, every Super Bowl was a fucking blow out. Thus, the commercials became essential to the appeal of the broadcast. And before we knew it, that shit got out of control. Now that we actually have good games the commercials don't matter as much, but that doesn't stop the pseudo-fans (men and women) from ignoring the game to yap about the commercials. Shut the fuck up, dipshits.

5. My back
Seriously, fuck you, Back. Just because I'm overweight and out of shape that doesn't give you the right to just quit on me. Fucking asshole. By the way, those muscle relaxants I got? Fucking amazing. I slept like a god damn baby last night. The only downside is the wicked cotton mouth. How much water do I have to drink to make that shit go away? Fuck!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 25, 2010 - The Thank You Edition!

We're doing things a little bit different today here in MMFU. Today it's all about saying thank you, because that was a pretty damn great day of football yesterday. Wanna fight about it?

1. Thank You Brett Favre
Holy fucking shit was that fucking great or was it so fucking awesomely great that it can barely be put in to words?!? The only way that could have been better is if Tracy Porter had taken that interception to the house to end the game, if only to save us from the bitching about the NFL's OT rules.

I'll be honest, I was starting to get worried on that final drive. Can you imagine if the Vikings hadn't completely shit the bed and actually gotten into field goal range and kicked the game winner. The "Favre is a warrior" stories would have broken the internet. I mean, the Saints were fucking PUMMELING him. And yeah, he played up the ankle injury because he's a manipulative piece of shit attention whore, but still, he was getting the fucking shit kicked out of him.

But deep down I knew, we all did, as soon as that play broke down you could just feel it coming. And then BAM! Picked off! I didn't even realize it, but I was cackling like a fucking hyena so loud that Wifey, who was in bed 2 rooms away, texted me asking "What's so funny?" I honestly had no idea I was even laughing. I was just in a state of euphoria. God it was fucking great.

2. Thank You Tom Jackson
We all knew that the media would immediately begin to protect Favre, especially the likes of Chris Berman and Peter King (NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT FAVRE'S DAUGHTER!), but then out of nowhere comes Tom Jackson with possibly the funniest quote of all time:

That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. It's one of the things I admire about him.

Excuse me, but...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus fucking Christ how can someone say that with a straight face? And no one the ESPN crew even blinked. Can you imagine if someone defended anyone else that way? Tony Romo? Jake Delhomme? Jamarcus Russell? They'd probably be fired on the fucking spot. But with Favre? Everyone just nods in agreement. Fucking Favre. What a cock.

But TJ's right, Favre certainly isn't afraid to throw an interception. Especially one that ends his team's season, which he's done for the last three years. How awesome is that? The last pass Favre has thrown in each of the last three seasons has been an interception to crush his team's dreams. It's downright poetic.

Also, TJ's quote kicked off an awesome Twitter trend led by Will Leitch. Check it out for some laughs.

3. Thank You Garrett Hartley
Finally! A kicker with some fucking gonads nails one in the playoffs! When he lined up for the kick and FOX showed that angle from behind the kicker that makes the goal posts look a million miles away MY heart started pounding. I can't even imagine what that was like for the 23-year old who took over midseason from John Carney. And he fucking striped it right down the fucking middle. Well done, kid.

4. Thank You Peyton Manning
Hold on, I just puked all over myself.

Ok, cleaned that up, fucking disgusting. But anyway, so long, New York Jets! In my post on Sunday I said that I'd be rooting for the Colts but the second the game started I just couldn't do it. So I sat back and just enjoyed the game, being happy about whichever team was losing at the moment. It's an interesting way to watch a football game, that's for sure. But in the end, I'm happy the Jets are gone. And I'm even happier that my friends living in New York don't have to deal with the aftermath of the Jets making the Super Bowl.

5. Thank You Everyone Who Played On Sunday
After a pretty shitty run of playoff games, we finally got a day of games worth watching. And I watched every second, at least when I wasn't on the shitter, stupid stomach. Let's all enjoy it until next Monday when the MMFU returns with a fucking vengeance after what is sure to be the worst Pro Bowl ever. And that's saying something.

Monday Morning Eff You: January 18, 2010

1. Brett Favre
Not only did this motherfucker go out and throw a perfect fucking game against the Cowboys, we had to listen to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman go even more overboard than usual sucking his dick. Fucking A that was infuriating. I didn't even really have a problem with the TD at the end that was completely unnecessary. What pissed me off was that after the score he went running around like a fucking jackass with his arms held high, chest bumping everyone in sight like he had just thrown a game-winning TD. Hey fuckhead, the game's fucking over, how about you just pump your fist once and head to the sidelines like any non-piece of fuck QB out there. Everyone practically shit bricks when the Pats were running up the score in 2007, but at least they weren't celebrating like that fuckhead Favre.

And then to top everything off, he had to go and ruin Pants on the Ground. I haven't seen the clip yet but I'm still enjoying Pants on the Ground and that would fucking destroy it for me, but just knowing that it exists really pisses the shit out of me. Fuck you, Brett Favre!

2. Nate Kaeding
What a little fucking bitch. Introducing the new Mike Vanderjagt, everybody! Fucking money when there's no pressure, and the biggest choke artist of all fucking time when it actually matters. This is the 4th playoff game that Kaeding has pulled a significant choke job in and when you look at him, it's not hard to see why. I feel like my pinky finger could kick his ass. I know kickers aren't supposed to look tough or anything but jesus does he look like a fucking pussy.

3. The playoffs so far
Let's see...6 blowouts, 1 close but pretty fucking boring game, and 1 exciting game. This is not the way it's supposed to be, fuckers! And to make matters worse, we're down to Peyton and the Colts, the fucking Jets, and mother fucking Brett Favre. What a fucking nightmare. I can't even decide who I'd least like to win the Super Bowl, besides the Saints obviously, but there's a good chance that I'm going to want to kill myself by the end of Super Bowl 44. Fuck.

4. The weather
Hey! Nobody fucking told me I was going to wake up to 4 inches of snow and slush and shit all over the place this morning! God fucking damn it. By the time I had finished clearing my car off, which didn't take more than 5 minutes, my feet were completely soaked because it was just warm enough for all the snow to melt into a giant puddle around my car. Then I started driving to work, thinking it wouldn't be too bad because of the holiday but I was wrong. Oh was I fucking wrong. A drive that normally takes less than 30 minutes took a fucking hour and a half. Fucking bullshit.

5. BoozeRob
Finish your fucking Lane Kiffin post you shitheap!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 11, 2010

Oh man, what a fucking weekend. My picks fucking sucked. The Patriots fucking sucked. The Celtics fucking sucked. Pretty much everything fucking sucked. Let's get to it.

1. The New England Patriots
Look, I had no illusions that this was going to be a Super Bowl year for the Pats. None at all. The 10-6 record was kind of pathetic, considering the winnable games that they fucking blew in the second half. The team didn't really have a quality win all season. But still, Sunday's game was a fucking shocker. Holy fucking shit that was fucking embarrassing. Watching Tom Brady throw duck after fucking duck was excruciating. Maybe his finger really is broken, jesus christ I hope is finger really is broken, but that was fucking terrible. 3 picks? Fucking terrible. The fumble was Matt Light's fault. He's fucking done as left tackle for the Pats. He might still be a serviceable lineman for the team but if Sebastian Vollmer isn't starting at LT next year I'll be fucking shocked.

I just really can't believe how the team just rolled the fuck over and let the Ravens fuck them in the ass yesterday. The opposing team's QB throws 4 completions and they still win by 19? And it wasn't even that close? Jesus christ I still can't even wrap my head around that shit. Fucking fuck that sucked. Some people are saying that it was better to lose like that instead of losing a close game. Fuck that shit. Those people are fucking idiots.

The only silver lining is that the Ravens have a MUCH better chance of beating the Colts than the Jets did. Please, Baltimore, rape the shit out of Peyton Manning. Please. That's all I have left to root for, a Colts loss.

Also, I had to shave my playoff beard, which fucking sucked. I was really looking forward to torturing Wifey with it for another week.

2. Shayne Graham
When you miss 35 and 24 yard field goals in a fucking playoff game you deserve to fucking die. Maybe those absolute fucking choke job shanks wouldn't have made a difference but jesus christ, that was awful.

And now the fucking Jets are still playing while the Pats are done. Mother. Fuck. I hate a lot of teams in the NFL, but the Jets are by far my most hated team. Fuck those shitheads. Fuck Rex Ryan and his cocky fat ass. Fuck Mark Sanchez (even though his dig at Pete Carroll was fucking great). Fuck New York City in general. Fuck them all. And fuck my life. San Diego better fucking eliminate them. Fuck.

3. The refs in the Green Bay-Arizona game
Honestly, I don't really care about this because at least I got one game right with my shitty ass picks this weekend. But something has to be said about the fact that there were at least two plays I saw where Larry Fitzgerald completely plowed over a defensive player to make a catch, including a ridiculous touchdown catch, and no pass interference was called even though Randy Moss got called for a much less blatant play earlier in the day. And as much as I enjoyed the game-ending play, it probably should have been a face mask call. When they showed the replay I argued with my family-in-law that since the ball was already fumbled it didn't matter but in reality it probably should have been roughing the passer or a face mask penalty. Oh well.

4. The first three games this weekend
Bengals-Jets: Fucking BO-RING
Cowboys-Eagles: Fucking blowout filled with penalties that lasted FOUR fucking hours
Patriots-Ravens: Over in the first quarter

Fucking A. Next weekend will probably be filled with awesome games and somehow I'll get pulled away from the tv and miss some awesome shit. Fuck.

5. Pete Carroll
I'm sure Booze will have more to say about Petey in the days to come but seriously, how much of a fucking prick is Pete Carroll? After underachieving and losing to huge underdogs the past few years it's clear that Carroll isn't the savior that everyone thought he was. And now USC is about to get fucking hammered by the NCAA and lose multiple years of bowl eligibility and Petey is fleeing the scene. What a fucking shithead. I honestly do not understand why the Seahawks are handing him the job. It makes no fucking sense. He sucked with the Jets and the Pats and time after time it's been shown that successful college coaches fucking blow as NFL coaches. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Pete.

Monday Morning Eff You: January 4, 2010

Holy fuck it's 2010! Time to kick things off right with a whole new batch of Fuck Yous!

1. The turf at Reliant Stadium
MOTHER. FUCKER. God fucking dammit. I really did not need to start out Week 17 by watching Wes Welker fucking destroy his ACL and MCL on the first series of the game. Fucking shit. Even more annoying was the fact that Bernard Pollard was involved, if only because we had to listen to every dipshit in the fucking world talk about Pollard being "involved" in both Brady's and Welker's injuries. That's just fucking lazy, and I know plenty about being lazy.

2. The Cincinnati Bearcats
Ooooh, look at you in pretty white helmets! Fucking douchebags. The second I saw those stupid white helmets I knew Florida was going to rape Cincy all over the fucking field. And normally I wouldn't give a shit, but the Tebow fellatio reached a point where I was absolutely DYING to switch to a Brett Favre game. And we all know how I feel about that fuck.

And while we're here, a final fuck you to the BCS for not having TCU or Boise State play Florida. Sure, maybe the results would have been similar, but now we'll never know. All we'll know is who wins the "kids' table" Bowl tonight. Fucking boring.

3. BoozeRob
Booze wanted me to include going back to work here. Well fuck that. Hey asshole, not everyone's company gives its employees a two-week vacation at the end of the year. AND not everyone is so fucking uncoordinated that they break their ankle playing catch at a tailgate to get even more time off. Some of us have been working this entire time so fuck off! And hey, welcome back to work, buddy!

4. The Bathroom Scale
We're T-minus 4 months and counting from the due date of my baby (boy. Be a boy!) and it's about time to start getting my fat ass into shape. Fuck. It's going to fucking suck. And tomorrow after work I'm gonna kick things off by weighing myself just to see how fucking disgusting I really am. I am fucking dreading it. It should go something like this: strip buck ass fucking naked, step on scale, squint to see numbers, smash scale to fucking smithereens, kill myself. Sounds fun, huh? And then after I kill myself I'll start my stupid workout that is actually for chicks. That's right, I'm so fucking out of shape that I'm starting out with a workout designed for women. Fuck me right in the gut.

Happy New Year! And The Late Late Edition of MMFU

Hey everyone! Happy fucking New Year! Some people love New Year's Eve, others fucking hate it, I fall somewhere in the middle. House party NYEs were always my favorite. It's pretty much all people that you know and like. There's usually a few prospects for drunken hooking up and best of all, the booze is free and easy to access. Heading downtown to an "open" bar for $100+? Well you are a fucking sucker. Jesus christ there is no worse NYE experience than shit like that. You pay a fuckload of money to get in and of course the bar is at max capacity so it takes a half hour to get a drink and then some drunk meathead bumps you and spills your drink everywhere and you're back at square one. Plus it's always 1000 degrees in there. Just a giant clusterfuck all around, including trying to find a cab at the end of the night. Just terrible. But even with all of that, it's still a night out getting drunk and that's fine with me.

What I don't get are the people who actively hate NYE. Booze and I have a friend who fucking despises NYE and bitches about it every fucking year. Well, at least he used to before the three of us moved to different corners of the country. It was fucking annoying and I wanted to slap him in the balls every time he started ranting. I mean, yeah, it's not the greatest night in the world but it's an excuse to go get fucking blind drunk so what the fuck are you bitching about?

This year my night is going to be pretty god damn tame. Wifey is 22 weeks pregnant so she obviously isn't going to be involved in any wild shenanigans, and quite frankly, I'm still exhausted from hosting 18 family members at our apartment for Christmas dinner. So the plan is to go out for a nice dinner and then come home and play Band Hero and Mario Party while I pound down a couple bottles of champagne. None for you, Woman!

My apologies for the lack of posting over the last week. Hey, it's the fucking holidays and I'm fucking lazy. Plus I just got a Droid (fuck yeah!) and all of my free time is now spent downloading apps and checking twitter and shit on the Droid while my laptop sits 2 feet away fully capable of doing the exact same stuff.

Anyway, since there was no MMFU this week, let's air some grievances right here about stuff from the last week that deserves that giant middle finger. Where's my buddy?




There he is! Let's do this fucking thing.

1. The Indianapolis Colts
What a bunch of fucking pussies. Let's get this straight right now, this was not a case of resting the starters to get ready for the playoffs. This was that fucking gorilla piece of shit whiny cocksucking douchebag crybaby Bill Polian and his ventriloquist dummy Jim Caldwell completely pussing out about possibly going 16-0. If you're going to rest your players, fucking do it. Don't play your big guns past the halfway mark of the 3rd quarter and then give the game away. Fucking pathetic. "Oh shit! We're about to go 15-0! We can't have that. Better put in Curtis Painter right fucking now!"

I fucking hate Colts fans, but kudos to them for booing the shit out of the team after that decision was made. How many 14-0 teams have ever been booed in their own stadium? And kudos to everyone who called in to Bill Polian's show to bitch him out so much that he ended the show early because, like he showed on Sunday, he's a fucking coward.

Yes, you could argue that going for 19-0 put so much pressure on the Pats that it ultimately cost them the Super Bowl. But that's a ridiculously different situation than the Colts were in at this point. The Patriots were already the most hated team in the NFL going in to the 2007 season thanks to the 3 Super Bowl wins earlier in the decade. Then Spygate happened. Then all of the running up the score shit happened. Then Mercury Morris was on tv every week. Then they became the first team every to go 16-0. Then Randy Moss faced domestic violence accusations during the playoffs. Then on the day before the Super Bowl John fucking Tomase came out with the bullshit story about filming the Rams' walk through before Super Bowl 36.
Now let's take a look at what the Colts faced this year...um, nothing? Have you even heard a peep from Mercury this year? I mean if HE doesn't give a shit about the Colts going 16-0 then no one does!
Ultimately I'm super fucking happy that Polian and Caldwell made this decision because it created a shitstorm of negativity and bad karma that never would have happened had they just done the logical thing and not played any starters for the entire game against the Jets or even Buffalo.

2. ESPN
This has been discussed on every blog on the planet but I just wanted to mention how disgusting the coverage of Brett Favre was on Monday night. I think Gruden and Jaworski have Favre real dolls in the booth so they can figuratively fuck him in the ass while giving him an on air blow job for the entire game. Thank god for Adrian Petersen and his fumbly ways.

3. The three other people left in my suicide pool
Fucking LOSE! Jesus christ how the fuck does this happen? Every year I'm out by fucking week 4 and this year I make it all the way to the end and there are 3 other people with me? Bullshit! My pick this week is the Niners and if there is any certainty in life, it's that I'll make it through 16 weeks of suicide picks only to lose in the final week and miss out on the money. Fuck.

4. BoozeRob
Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything in a week but you know what? At least I'm fucking working or playing with my Droid (the phone) ( and my penis), but this fucking guy has just been sitting at home with his broken ankle for the past 3 weeks all he's managed is a half-assed DOTW post about Mike Holmgren? Fucking A, man! As Peter King would you say, you define laziness. You'd think we could get a picks column for the upcoming bowl games but that's not gonna happen. Booze is going to a wedding tonight and the odds of him getting drunk and fucking up his ankle even more have been taken off the board in Vegas.

Rebuttal from Boozerob:
Fuck you, I'm on Vacation. Bitch at BamaDawg and his 7 collective posts. Then again he is in Missouri for a wedding. Speaking of weddings, I've  been busy the last week doing wedding stuff all week for a wedding I'm going to tonight. So fuck you. And seriously, way to get a fucking smart phone FINALLY. Welcome to 2002 you red headed fuck.

5. Urban Meyer, Mike Leach and every other big name college football coach
These guys are fucking assholes. Can we stop being surprised when they do shit like quit the team for health reasons and family first bullshit and then flip flop the next day. Or when they stuff concussed kids in closets or whatever the fuck happened down in Texas. Seriously, that story is out of control and I don't know what to fucking think. But seriously, let's cut the shit with these guys. They're all jerks who are in a position of power so fuck yeah they're gonna act like jerks! I sure as fuck would!

6. Week 17 Picks
Fucking crapshoot. Every fucking year. So no picks column this week. I'll be back for the playoffs.

7. The Mark Show
I'd say this post is long enough, eh? I'm fucking tired.
I hope everyone has a great night. Just don't get so drunk that you piss in the dryer (Booze) or worse (Mark Show).

Monday Morning Eff You: December 21, 2009

Hey, it's our 100th post! Didn't think we'd get this far, did you? Well then fuck you!

1. BamaDawg
Oh, you wanted the Celtics to lose on Friday night AND were waiting for my Dolphins pick so you could bet the other way? Well fuck you for both of those things coming true. Honestly I didn't even know the C's were playing because I was too busy getting drunk at a holiday party by slamming eggnog mixed with bourbon, whiskey and brandy, so whatever. But still, fuck off.

2. Dan Dierdorf
At some point during the Patriots' lackluster win at Buffalo, this fat fuck declared that this season was one of Bill Belichick's best coaching jobs. That, quite frankly, is a fucking ridiculous statement. We all know NFL announcers say all sorts of stupid shit from week to week but jesus that was stupid. And it only served to remind me that there is nothing about the way the Pats are playing right now that indicates they will make a solid run in the playoffs. Fuck.

3. Bill Simmons
From the Sports Guy's twitter feed:

sportsguy33: Beautiful weather in SoCal today!!! Sunny & 76 degrees. What's it doing back East? (Listening.) Oh. Wow. This is awkward.

What a fucking douchebag. Listen, fuckface, just because you're a fucking pussy now (although you very well could have always been a pussy) and live in LA doesn't mean those of us on the East Coast are afraid of a little snow. I took 20 minutes to wipe off my car and shovel away the snow around the car and then I went back inside. Oh the fucking horror! Fuck off.

4. Brett Favre
After a one-week hiatus, the king of fucksticks is back! Oh, you didn't want to come out of the game yesterday? Well fuck you, asshole! Brad Childress is a shitty fucking coach, no one is arguing that, but when your old ass is getting buttfucked by Julius Peppers every other play, maybe Childress has a point when he wants to take you out of a somewhat meaningless game. You realize you're 40 fucking years old, right? And that even from the start of the year you were saying you didn't know if you could play a full season? Well then take a fucking seat when your coach thinks it might help the team in the long run you selfish fuck. You sure did a lot of good by staying in the game, leading the offense to zero points. Fucker.

5. The Kansas City Chiefs
Holy fucking shit! You let Jerome Harrison rush for 286 yards and break Jim Brown's team record for rushing yards in a game? That's a fucking disgrace. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Jerome Harrison?? Who the fuck is that?

Monday Morning Eff You: December 14, 2009

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Monday Morning Eff You: December 7, 2009

1. The BCS

Holy fuck it's been like 14 hours and I still can't believe that the cocksuckers in charge put Boise State and TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. You mother fuckers. What good does that do? Oh yippee we get to find out who's the best non-BCS conference team! Whoop-di-fucking-do. Wouldn't it have made way more sense to put TCU up against Florida and have Cincinnati play Boise State? Fuck yes it would have, so of course the BCS people fucked it up. Fuckheads. If you're so tired of listening to the TCUs and BSUs of the little conferences whining about deserving a shot with the big boys, let them have it and see what happens! Let them get slapped around and beaten into submission if you're so sure that's what the outcome would be. It would at least shut them up for a little while. But no, you're a bunch of fucking pussies, afraid that maybe, just maybe, the underdogs can compete with the powerhouses. But now we'll never know. Assfucks.

2. The New England Patriots

Jesus christ you guys fucking let me down yesterday. You rendered my whole rant on Simmons completely fucking useless. Fucking pathetic. Miami is NOT a good football team. I don't know what lies ahead for this Patriots team but my confidence in them is the lowest it's been in fucking years. Fuck.

3. Mother Nature

So after all the perfect, sunny weekends so far this "winter" you decide to throw a snow and ice storm on us the weekend I'm getting my Christmas tree? Fuck you! Now I've got a tree with ice all over it, just dripping on the fucking carpet while I crank the heat in the apartment to speed up the drying process. Pain in the fucking ass. Plus I got soaked hauling that fucker up the stairs.

4. Brett Favre

You're supposed to keep winning so that the Saints are forced to go for the undefeated season, you fucking jerk!

5. The mother fucker who starts his Harley at 4am

Asshole, there's snow and ice all over the fucking place. It is not motorcycle conditions! And do you really have to let the loud fucking monster idle for 20 minutes when I'm trying to sleep? Fucking dickhead. Just because the deaf old people can't hear that shit doesn't mean the same for me! Fuck. Off.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 30, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The authors of this site
Oh it's a holiday weekend so it's just too much fucking trouble to post a thing or two? Well, fuck us right in the asshole. I had every intention to do a picks post plus a couple of other things but every time I thought of stuff to write I was nowhere near a computer. And by the time I got home I was always too fucking lazy to actually type. So our apologies if you were actually looking for content from us this weekend. We're obviously fuckheads. And if you were actually looking for content from us? Well that says something about your life. I don't know what it says, but it definitely says something.

2. The NFL schedule makers
Pretty much all of the games sucked this week, but the Thanksgiving games were fucking atrocious. For the past few seasons there has been talk about taking the Thanksgiving game away from Detroit. I don't agree with that. The problem isn't that the Lions are playing, the problem is WHO the Lions are playing. If the fucking schedule makers would stop putting them in a matchup that is obviously going to result in a fucking blowout, things wouldn't be this bad. Sure, we might still get a boring game, but at least there would be a chance of a close game. Same with sending Oakland to Dallas. Really, fuckwads? How could anyone possible think that putting Oakland on national television could be a good idea? Fucking dipshits.

3. Pete Carroll
BoozeRob offered his opinion on this earlier, and while I agree that it was fucking stupid for Slick Rick to call that timeout, Carroll can't be let off the hook either. This is the fucking crybaby asshole who whined and complained to fucking everyone about Stanford running up the score a few weeks ago. You can't cry like a little bitch when Stanford, of all teams, is ruining your shit and then come back a few weeks later and pull the same type of crap. Only a fucking douchebag would do something like that. So fuck you, Petey. Fucking douchebag.

4. Brett Favre
Motherfucker played brilliantly yesterday. Knock that shit off, Favre. It makes it harder to hate your guts.

5. Serena Williams
AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that, you fat bitch! Fuck you! God I fucking hate that woman. Sure, 82 grand is chump change for her but I don't fucking care. Randomly seeing that in the ESPN headlines just now just fucking made my night. You should see the fucking shit-eating grin on my face. Awesome.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 23, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. Fans of the University of Arizona
You stupid fucks! You know, call me crazy, but I think it's a pretty fucking good idea to wait until the game is actually OVER before you attempt to charge the field. You know who does that shit? Fucking Notre Dame. And just like the douchebag Irish, your team lost the fucking game, too! And really? You're going to rush the field after a win over fucking Oregon? Really?? I mean, yeah, fuck the Ducks and all that good shit but jesus fucking christ, have some pride in your team and try not to go fucking apeshit over a home win against Oregon. Fucking pathetic. You assholes can all bear down on my dick.

2. Charlie Weis
Hey, look who just suffered another humiliating loss? That's right! Big fat fuckhead Chaz Weis! Good god man, how many times does this need to happen before you just say fuck it and walk away. I know you're a dickhead and you want as much of a buyout as possible but fucking hell, aren't you embarrassed? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? HEY! Put that fucking cheeseburger down and listen to me! You fucking suck. Your school fucking sucks. And god dammit I love watching you lose, but please do us all a favor and just walk the fuck away.

3. Brett Favre
God dammit how is this piece of fuck 9-1 and having the best year of his life? That just will not fucking do. Start losing, asshole! And throwing those delicious pick sixes that you love to throw! I love those too! And while we're here, fuck Brad Childress too. That bearded fuck stumbles his way ass backwards into this dream season, gets a contract extension, and keeps calling for Favre to throw for TDs instead of handing the ball to Petersen and helping out the millions of fantasy players who took him with the first pick this year. Call more run plays, you bald piece of shit!

4. The Boston Celtics
God. Fucking. Dammit. Three Friday games in a row and three Friday losses in a row. Lock it the fuck up dickheads. Stop talking tough to the media about how you're only going to lose 10 games all year, or about how you're going to push the Magic around, or whatever the fuck else is in your stupid heads and just play basketball! You beat the Knicks by 2 last night! In overtime! THE FUCKING KNICKS!!! The bottom line is that you are playing like complete fuckheads right now and it is unacceptable. Get your heads out of each other's asses and stop fucking up the start of my weekend with a loss on Friday night.

5. The Mark Show
I have to put myself up here this week because I'm a fucking moron. After bemoaning the loss of Ronnie Brown because of the implications for my fantasy team you'd think that I would have dropped him or at the very least benched him, right? Nope! I completely forgot to set my roster up and left Brown in the starting lineup AND left Tomlinson on my bench. Tomlinson got 13 points. I lost my matchup by 4. Fuck. And the final kick in the balls is that I lost to BoozeRob's piece of shit team. Double fuck!

Monday Morning Eff You: November 16, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. That Fucking Game Last Night
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That fucking sucked. I seriously considered waiting until tomorrow to do MMFU since I'm exhuasted, but fuck it, let's get it out of the way. Fuck that game. Fuck Peyton Manning. Fuck Reggie Wayne and his impossibly good hands. Fuck the dipshits running the RCA Dome who tried to burn the fucking house down. Fuck the Pats' D for letting up in the 4th quarter and allowing the 79-yard TD drive that apparently put the fear of God into Belichick. And fuck not being able to get 2 fucking yards at the most critical juncture of the game. Fuck.

Bill Belichick is getting skewered all over the place for the decision to go for it on 4th down at the end of the game. Most of it is fair, but let's cut the shit with the people calling it one of the worst decisions in the history of football and/or sports, shall we? Was it a great or even good call? Absolutely not. But a big reason for that judgement is because of the result. If Faulk doesn't juggle the ball and comes up with the first down, the same people ripping BB to shreds this morning are singing his praises. I also have a feeling that Brady had something to do with talking Belichick into going for it, so maybe Tom should be taking some of the heat as well. I don't know.

What I do know is that the Patriots showed me enough to know that if/when they're back in Indy for the playoffs, they have a good enough team to put themselves in position to win. And that's all you can really ask for as a fan.

Fucking Colts.

2. The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons
I'm a big fan of Bill Simmons, to the point where you could even call me a Simmons Apologist at times, but I was so fucking annoyed with this segment in his picks column on Friday that I immediately knew I'd be writing about him this morning. Let's take a look:

"Our first one: I wrote a chunk of this column at a local Starbucks. One seat
over from me, some dude in his 40s was listening to music on his headphones,
playing online Scrabble and occasionally talking loud calls on his cell phone.
How much do you have to hate your own apartment, house, wife or girlfriend that
you say, "I can't stand it here anymore, I'm going to Starbucks to play online
Scrabble?" Last week, someone brought work to the same Starbucks, then proceeded to sing and hum to the songs they were playing despite everyone else glaring at
her. Of course, that didn't top what happened to me nearly two years ago, when some crazy dude grabbed a New York Times from the newspaper rack, brought it into the unisex bathroom, proceeded to drop anchor for the next 15 minutes, then emerged from the bathroom holding the newspaper like Dad coming out of the john on a Saturday morning.

Now, in a perfect world, people would only go to a coffeehouse to eat, drink, write,
read, study or converse. You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house. You can't make loud phone calls and sing along to music. You can't sit in a comfy chair not drinking, not eating and not doing anything other than staring at everyone else. But since people can't seem to get the hang of this, here's my suggestion: Every coffee place should designate one employee (a barista, waitress, pastry chef or whomever) as a de facto bouncer. It becomes their job to jettison loiterers, loud talkers, losers, weirdos and everyone else. Maybe they could even wear different uniforms. We could call them "coolers." This would work. Until then, I will remain peeved."

Ok, so those are a couple annoying situations, and the taking the paper into the shitter thing is pretty brutal, but what pisses me off is the statement, "You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house." Oh really, you fucking asshole? Isn't that EXACTLY what you're doing? Guess what, fuckface, if you don't want to be bothered by people talking in a public place, STAY THE FUCK HOME. How much do YOU have to hate YOUR own house, wife and kids to have to sit in a Starbucks and write a column bitching about other people in Starbucks? Go back to your fucking office man-cave with 4 tvs and everything else that you love bringing up all the fucking time. What a fucking pretentious prick.

3. The Boston Celtics

Hey assholes! Stop fucking losing games on Friday fucking night! Jesus christ is it too much for me to ask to see a win to start my weekend? And if you're gonna be complete dickwads and lose on Friday, at least have the common fucking decency to win your next game! Fucking christ.

4. Brett Favre

You can just feel it in the air, can't you? The second-half collapse is coming any day now. There's only so many times that Adrian Peterson can bail Favre's old ass out (and against the Lions of all teams) before Favre completely fucks the Vikings and their fans right in the face.

5. BoozeRob

You were at a wedding with Jason Bay in attendance and you didn't get any insight on where he might sign this offseason? Fucking A, man! What kind of fucking blogger are you? Fuck being polite! Get in his grill and make him admit he's not coming back to the Red Sox so I can laugh at the fans over here! What a fucking wasted opportunity.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 9, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The Green Bay Packers

Wow. Way to kill the dream of a 2nd straight season with an 0-16 team, assholes. That was fucking pathetic. Rookie head coach who doesn't seem to know what the fuck he's doing starts his 3rd different starting QB of the season (who happens to be a rookie making his first career start) and you get blown the fuck out? Weren't you people supposed to contending for the NFC North, if not the Super Bowl? What happened?

On the other hand, you guys probably took out a nice chunk of the people remaining in my suicide poo---wait, NO ONE picked the Packers? What the fuck? Well then double fuck you, Green Bay! Worthless pieces of shit.

Also, I found out today that our own BamaDawg is a Packers fan. Wait just one god-damn second. A Packers fan AND a Yankees fan? Holy fucking frontrunner, Batman! You're not a Lakers fan, are you dude? Holy shit.

2. Brett Favre

Hmmm, the Vikings had their bye week this weekend, and yet Peter King STILL managed to shoehorn this fucker into his MMQB column like 47 times. He's like herpes. Even if there's not an outbreak, he can still be transmitted!

3. The Dolphins fan sitting in my section on Sunday

This fucking guy, god, what a fucking asshole. Let's say you're a Dolphins fan and you've got a ticket to watch them take on the Pats at Gillette Stadium. And let's say that you decide to support your team by wearing your bright orange, authentic Chad Pennington jersey (more on that in a second). Now, if you had an IQ above 65, you'd probably expect to be heckled a little bit, right? Just a little, right?

Well, not this guy. After Ricky Williams scored to tie the game at 10 apiece, this guy and his buddy stood up and cheered, as is their obvious right to do. A couple guys sitting in the row behind me threw a few good natured taunts their way. I swear to god, it was good natured. This wasn't your stereotypical Boston-area taunt, filled with obscenities and vulgarities that would send any parent with a young child sprinting for the exits. It was pretty harmless. But dickhead over there had to turn around, pretend to be tough, curse a couple times even though there were kids in the area, and generally make an ass of himself. God, what a touchy little douchebag.

Every year I go to at least one Indians-Sox game, and I ALWAYS wear my obnoxious t-shirt that has a ginormous (suck it, BamaDawg!) Chief Wahoo on it. And every year, I get heckled like crazy. I even had a chick intentionally spill her beer on me (fucking cunt) at a bar after an Indians win. But that's all part of the fun. If I responded like this prick did, it would ruin everything. And that just won't do.

As for the Pennington jersey...yikes. First of all, this thing was authentic from the Pro Shop. It wasn't some defective version from Korea that you can find on Craigslist or Ebay for like 80 bucks. This sucker was at least $250. Really? For Chad Pennington. Pennington joined the Dolphins last year after being dropped from the Jets after they sold their souls for Brett Favre. Did this guy really think it was a good idea to spend money on an aging QB with a noodle arm who had never won anything in his life and had just joined the team? Is the situation that fucking bad in Miami? Well, I guess it kinda is, but still. Get Ronnie Brown or something. A fucking Pennington jersey. I still can't stop laughing about it.

4. The Boston Celtics

How dare you lose a game! How dare you!

Friday night my wife got a craving for Fuddrucker's. Fine by me! We picked up her 16-year old brother and his girlfriend because they wanted to come to and off we went. Normally when I go to Fuddrucker's, I get the half-pound original with bacon, avocadoes and cheddar cheese. But on Friday, all I'd eaten all day was a bowl of cereal and a bagel, so I was fucking STARVING. I started thinking, hmmm, I've never attempted the one pound burger. I wonder if I could finish it? I bet I can. "Hi, I'll take the one pound original with bacon, avocado and cheddar cheese, please." The cashier turned around and yelled "One pounder!" into the kitchen. Wait, he didn't do that for the other sizes. Shit. Now lemme tell you, this was a fucking GINORMOUS (one more and BamaDawg's head will explode. It's like saying Beatlejuice three times!) piece of meat. To really add to the task, I added tomatoes, pickles, onions and jalepenos.

And you know what? I ate the whole motherfucking thing. And it was delicious. But then, about halfway home, I reeeaaally didn't feel so hot. One of three things was going to happen, and soon: I needed to lie down, I needed to puke, or I needed to shit. Something had to give. I tried burping to get rid of some air in my stomach, but sadly, there was none. All meat. I started sweating like crazy and told Wifey that I needed to be dropped off before she took her brother home. What did Wifey do? Laughed her fucking ass off. Laughed, and laughed, and then laughed some fucking more. Thanks for the support, lady. Anyway, I made it home without soiling myself or puking on the steering wheel and then spent the rest of the night either lying on the couch or sitting on the toilet. And to make matters worse, I had to watch the Celtics' 82-0 season go down the figurative shitter. But I never puked! And it's a good thing, too, cuz then the one pounder wouldn't have counted and I would have had to try it again.

5. BoozeRob
You mean now I have manually count the number times I say "fuck" in each post and calculate my FPP? Well fuck you fucking fuck! How much free time do you think I have??

6. Anyone complaining about the profanity on this site

Fuck you.

/starts counting

Monday Morning Eff You: November 2, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.
1. The Philadelphia Phillies (especially you, Brad Lidge)
Last night's game had much more on the line than simply swinging the World Series one way or another. Yesterday had the makings of true greatness when it comes to hating teams from New York. I mean seriously, first the Giants absolutely shit the bed against the Eagles. That was a fucking pathetic display of attempted football, the kind of game that leaves fans of the team completely catatonic and ruined for the rest of the day, and haters of the team with shit-eating grins. Fucking outstanding. And at the exact same time, the douchebag J-E-T-S were getting fucking embarrassed by Ted Ginn Jr., of all people, and Rex Ryan just had to stand their in his piece of shit Titans throwback muumuu and take it like the little bitch he is. AHAHAHAHAHA! All that was left was for the Phillies to finish the job. But nooooooooooo, Brad Lidge had to come in a fuck everything up. I don't give a rat's ass that he didn't blow a save last year, the guy is fucking terrible. He's Joe fucking Borowski on a lucky streak and last night, that luck ran out. And now we're 1 win away from BamaDawg celebrating another WS win. Fuck. That.

2. The NFL and NBC
Everyone has already talked about this before the weekend but I'm gonna bitch about it anyway. Why the fuck does the NFL bow out because the World Series every year? Seriously, I could give a fuck about watching two baseball teams that I don't care about, but I'd damn sure be watching football. Instead, since I don't give a shit about the game, I let Wifey pick a show and I'm stuck watching House Hunters on HGTV until she falls asleep and I can switch back the game, which I still don't care about, but at least it's sports. Can you imagine the ratings raping that would have occurred if the NFL had decided to throw Green Bay-Minnesota up as the night game? Hey, speaking of that...

3. Brett Favre
Like I said, he'll be here every week. Oh that was some delicious booing he got treated to as he ran onto the field before the game. I applaud you, Packer fans. And of course, Favre, being the complete dickhead that he is, goes out and throws 4 TDs and 0 picks en route to a soul-crushing defeat for the Packers. Ouch.

4. USC's defense
Holy jesus, what the fuck happened here? I thought the offense was supposed to be the question mark for USC? The fucking Ducks absolutely abused the 'vaunted' Pete Carroll defense and pulled off the shocking (at least to me) upset. I can't wait for Pete Carroll to bitch about USC's ranking after this atrocity. Fucking prick. And now there's sure to be a bunch of fuckheads who want to vault the Ducks over Boise State. Fuck you, assholes, look at the head-to-head results.

5. The people down the hall in my apartment building
It smells nice in my apartment, for the most part (hey, I fart a lot), but if you step foot into the hallway outside...ho-ly fuck. It's like getting knocked down by a tsunami of foul-smelling dogshit. Seriously, it smells like hot garbage, and it's all because of two apartments down the hall. I don't know what the fuck they are doing in there, but I definitely know that they are the source. To make matters even worse, now that Wifey is pregnant, she's a bit sensitive to odors, and now she has to hold her breath and cover her nose or else she starts gagging, which makes me want to break some fucking skulls. So fuck you, you smelly fucking fucks!

Monday Moring Eff You: October 26, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction. Let's get this fucker underway, in no particular order:

1. The BCS Rankings
Now, I have no problem with TCU jumping over Boise State in the rankings. Sure, it pisses me off, but I saw that shit coming. What I can't fucking see is how in the fuck, Iowa could jump to #4 after needing every goddamn second in the game to pull a win out of their asses at Michigan State. How the fuck are they ranked ahead of TCU, nevermind Boise State and Cincinatti. Complete and utter bullshit. And I guess the computers actually COULD hear Pete Carroll crying like a little bitch after last week's rankings since USC somehow jumped up 2 spots as well after beating unranked Oregon State at home. By 6 lousy fucking points. Get fucked, Pete Carroll, you and the BCS rankings can just fuck right off.

2. Mark Shapiro
Surprise! I'm saying Fuck You to Mark Shapiro! I, for one, am not fucking ready for the Manny Acta Era in Cleveland. I am depressed as all hell and the god damn playoffs aren't even over yet. 2010 is going to be a motherfucking abortion of a season for the Indians, and that's saying something, considering these last two years. And of course, with the Yankees finally finishing off the Angels last night (fuck you too, rain delay!) we are now set for the Game 1 matchup of Cliff Lee vs. C.C. Sabathia. Fuck my fucking life.

3. Brett Favre
He'll be here every week. Fucking asshole. But holy sweet jesus was that fun watching him puke the game away yesterday. Adrian Peterson destroys William Gay's shit, heads to the sideline for a breather and to revel in his awesomeness and all of a sudden...FUMMMMBBBBLLLLE! And they're off to the races. That was delicious. The subsequent pick 6 followed by a game ending sack were just icing and the cherry on top. Fuck you right in the ear, Brett Favre.

4. The NFL slate of games
Well, that was one boring, piece of shit Sunday, huh? Blowout city all over the god damn place. Would it kill some of you shitty teams to actually make things interesting for once? It would? Well fuck you then.

5. The asshole old people who live in my apartment building
The majority of the tenants in my apartment complex are senior citizens and some of them are complete dickheads. There are three different cars that refuse to use just one parking space and consistently park diagonally across two spaces. This drives me fucking insane. And it's always GOOD spaces that are getting wasted. Also, in the basement, there is a little area with a bunch of shopping carts near the elevators. This comes in handy because instead of making 52 trips back and forth to the car after a shopping trip we can just load everything into a cart and take the elevator. There's a HUGE fucking sign instructing people to return the carts when they are done with them. But do they? These lazy old fucks? Of course not. And this weekend, after going shopping, there were NO carts and I was fucking enraged. I went storming up the stairs, checking each floor for carts, finally found one on the fifth floor and made as much noise as possible banging the cart around the hall to get it back to the elevator. I hope it ruined some game of Mah Jong or something. Then, after getting my groceries and heading back inside, some crotchety old fuck gave me the evil eye and hissed "You know you need to bring that back after you're done, right?" That fucking prick is lucky I didn't go straight to ramming speed and destroy his brittle hips. What a dick.

Next week I'll actually try to get this up in the morning, fuckers.