OGDH NFL Preview: The AFC

Oh praise motherfucking Jebus the season is here! Let's jump right in to the AFC preview.

AFC West

God, why do the West divisions in both conferences suck so much? San Diego should win this division but it's not going to be the runaway it was last year. They're missing a few key players due to holdouts and injuries, especially Vincent Jackson, who is Philip Rivers' best receiver by far. First he's sitting out a nice little 3-game suspension for something that I don't feel like looking up, and after that he's planning on holding out over a contract dispute. He's also on my fantasy roster so I'm a little torn on this one. One one hand, quit being a jackass and catch some touchdowns for my fantasy team, jerk! On the other hand, anything that hurts one of the conference's better teams is fucking fine by me. Although my hate for the Chargers has dropped immensely since they cut that piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fuck him.

The Broncos are interesting because Josh McDaniels is all over the place with his personnel moves, trading Cutler and Marshall, drafting Tebow, signing Brady freaking Quinn. While I don't think Tebow will see much time at quarterback this year other than goal line situations, I do think he's going to be a solid NFL player. Booze disagrees. We have a bottle of scotch riding on it. I just can't remember what the timeline for the bet is. Help me out, Booze.

Oakland and Kansas City should both be better than they have in previous years but I still don't think they're going to do anything significant. I mean, it's the Raiders and Chiefs for god's sake. And don't let Bill Simmons tell you any different when he picks his sleeper team for this season. He's full of shit.

The Mark Show's picks: San Diego, Denver, KC, Oakland

Bamadawg's picks: San Diego, Denver, Oakland, KC

BoozeRob's picks: San Diego, Oakland, Denver, KC

AFC North

Alright, we've got the rapists, the (alleged) murderers, a whole slew of criminals.....and the Browns. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.

The Ravens are this year's popular pick to go to the Super Bowl from the AFC. I'm not so sure. I'd like to see Joe Flacco perform in a big game before I pencil them in as AFC champs. And let's not forget that their secondary might be the worst of any contender besides the Pats, and even that's assuming that Ed Reed comes back in week 7 after sitting out on the PUP list for the first 6 games. Still, I think they win the division, especially with the huge upgrade at receiver with Boldin and Housh.

I think the Steelers will be fine. They're gonna go 2-2 while Rapelisberger sits out his suspension and then get things working once he returns. They're annoying like that. They are going to miss Santonio Holmes, though.

Cincinnati is going to fall back to the pack after that random division title last year. I still can't believe they swept both the Steelers and the Ravens. No fucking way that happens again.

The Mark Show's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincinnati, Cleveland

Bamadawg's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincy, Mark's team he abandoned for the Pats

BoozeRob's picks: Baltimore, *Cincy*, The Fightin' Dennis Dixons, Holmgren's Homos

AFC South

Oh did I post that yesterday? My bad. I must have forgotten.

Anyway, as much as I'd love for Indy to suffer from the Super Bowl loser curse thing and miss the playoffs, there's just no way it's happening. While Manning may choke his fat face off in the playoffs, he's still going to lead the Colts to like 12 wins and another division title. Whoopie.

Tennessee MIGHT be able to give the Colts a little pressure this year. Remember they went 8-2 once they finally benched Kerry Collins' drunk ass. I don't think Chris Johnson will have the insane season he did last year but that guy is still an animal and Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league so I expect Tennessee to at least make this division sort of interesting.

Houston will finish 8-8 again, miss the playoffs again, and at this time next year everyone will be talking about how this is the year the Texans finally get over the hump, again. Lather, rinse, repeat, everybody.

Who is the other team in this division?........................Oh, Jacksonville! (Seriously that took me 5 minutes to think of because I didn't want to cave and look it up) Anyway, let's just say that when people are talking about drafting Tim Tebow so that your team can sell tickets....it's probably not a good sign for your upcoming season. Or your franchise in general.

The Mark Show's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

Bamadawg's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

BoozeRob's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

AFC East

Ok so Buffalo sucks. They might win 2 games. Might. Let's just move on to the 3-horse race in this division.

Miami, the bane of my weekly picks existence, made a significant offseason acquisition in getting Brandon Marshall. I'm still not sure what made him lose his mind during training camp last year but once the season started he still put up big numbers, just like he has every year of his career. And now, playing for a new team, looking to make a good impression, look out. Except that he has Chad Henne throwing him the ball for a team that is still its best when the ball is Ronnie Brown's hands. Brown and Ricky Williams should again lead a solid rushing attack, and wildcat, that, combined with a solid defense, will make the Dolphins a tough team to beat.

Once the Jets get Santonio Holmes back from his suspension they'll finally have someone who actually catches the ball lined up opposite of Braylon "Hands" Edwards. Well, he'll catch the ball if Sanchez can put it in his general vicinity anyway. Sanchez has looked like absolute DOGSHIT in preseason and all throughout Hard Knocks, which was a fucking outstanding show this year. It would make things a lot easier if Rex Ryan weren't so likable. Fucking fatass blowhard. Luckily, they're still the Jets, so they're easily hateable, AND they brought in piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fucking guy. I still can't believe the first thing he did when he signed with the Jets was to get a tattoo of the Jets logo on his calf. Tell me that's not a douchebag thing to do? Seriously, try to come up with any explanation for that without calling Tomlinson a douchebag. It's fucking unpossible. Fucking Ladanian Tomlinson. And fuck Revis for caving. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE MONEY!

And now, the Patriots.

The Good: Brady's knee is finally fully healthy, as are his ribs and finger that was bothering him at the end of the season last year. Wes Welker is somehow ready for opening day, indicating that he's some sort of bionic freak. Rob Gronkowski (GRONK), Aaron Hernandez and Brandon Tate provide three new weapons for Brady to throw to. It looks like Belichick has finally had enough of Maroney tap-dancing into the line of scrimmage. They still have Brady and Belichick. Brady is so fired up for the season that he's fucking ramming vans with his Audi at 6:30 in the morning before practice.

The Bad: They lost Ty Warren for the season (Fuck!), the secondary, the defense in general.

This team is going to have to score a fuckload of points, especially early in the season, to win games. The young defense should get better as the year goes along and hopefully hit its stride going into the playoffs.

Basically this division comes down to whether or not you buy the hype on the Jets. I don't. They're 8-8 waiting to happen, even with Revis, who had the best season possibly ever for a CB. He'll still be very good, obviously, but he won't be AS good. And that makes a difference. Until someone besides the Pats wins the division while Brady is the QB, I'm taking the Pats.

The Mark Show's picks: Pats, *Dolphins*, Jets, Bills

Bamadawg's picks: Jets, *Pats*, Dolphins, Bills

BoozeRob's picks: Jets, *Fuck off, Mark!*, Dolphins, Bills

And now for tonight's quick pick!

(Using the line from ESPN's pigskin pick 'em)

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Minnesota

The Super Bowl champ has won the last 10 opening night games. I'm excited to see if the Saints go after Favre as viciously as they did in the NFC championship game and if the Vikings retaliate at all. It's gonna be fun as shit to watch. Also, this is my suicide pick for the week. I'm not sure I've ever seen an opening slate of games with no clear suicide pick. Fucking brutal. Last year I lasted all 17 weeks. Let's hope I make it past week 1 this year.

FOOTBALL, BABY!

OGDH NFL Preview: The NFC

Heeeeeeyoooooooo! We're one god damn day away from the start of the NFL season and you know what that means? It's time to fire up this fucking blog again! Jesus it's been a long, soul-sucking summer in the sports world. I completely checked out of this baseball season, even becoming an awful dead owner in my final fantasy baseball season ever. Some asshole named Carlos Gonzalez is making a serious run at the Triple Crown in the NL and I seriously had never even heard his name until this morning when someone tweeted about. Pretty pathetic on my part but whatever, I don't give a shit, it's football season! Maybe Booze will even get off his ass and write about college football again.

But until then, let's take a quick look at the upcoming NFL season, starting with the NFC today, AFC tomorrow, and a full slate of picks on Friday. Fuck yeah!

Disclaimer: This will probably be the worst, least in-depth preview you'll ever read.

NFC West

Woof, let's just get this suckfest out the way, shall we? Let's see here, Kurt Warner retired and Matt Leinart was so freaking horrible in training camp and the preseason that he got freaking CUT in favor of Derek Andersen. Derek Andersen, who couldn't keep the starting job in CLEVELAND. Ouch. This is a team that, according to Peter King, is excited about having QB Max Hall as their backup. Max Hall? Yeah he didn't even get drafted. Jesus that's a rough quarterback situation for a team to be in.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, the team is so worried about Matt Hasselbeck's back that they went out and traded a 2nd-round pick to San Diego for Charlie Whitehurst, who has never taken a regular season snap thrown a regular season pass in the NFL. They also hired Pete Carroll as he was cowardly fleeing USC's sinking ship, let TJ Houshmanzadeh go for some reason when he was their best receiver last year, and to replace him? Former USC WR Mike Williams, who was out of the league after failing with Detroit.

The Rams? Well, they suck. I'm giving it 4 weeks until Sam Bradford gets knocked out for the year after getting creamed by some monster D-lineman.

That leaves the Niners. They're pretty much going to win this division by the two sweetest words in the English language...de-fault. If Alex Smith can't lead this team to a division title THIS year, in THIS shitty division of teams, it's never going to happen and he'll probably be asked to take his tiny hands and hit the road. Also, I fucking hate Frank Gore. That asshole boned me in fantasy like 3 years in a row.

The Mark Show's picks: Niners, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams

Bamadawg's picks: San Fran, Hawks, Arizona, St. Louis

BoozeRob's picks: San Fran, Clemons is a queer, St. Louis, Pom Pom Pete's Pussy Patrol

NFC North

I'm happy Brett Favre is back. There I said it. I'm not happy about all the coverage he's already gotten, no no. I'm happy because it is going to be so god damn fun watching him crash and burn this year. Last year was a fucking fairy tale for that bastard. Pretty much everything went right for him and the Vikings. Well, up until the final minute of the NFC Championship anyway.

Man that puts a smile on my face. I enjoyed Peyton's pick six to lose the Super Bowl more, but that Favre interception was awesome too. Anyway, like I was saying, everything went perfectly last year. It so fucking annoying. This year is going to be great. Favre is already getting injections in his ankle and bitching about the pain. His favorite target, Sidney Rice, is out for at least half the season after having hip surgery. His other favorite target, Percy Harvin, has some weird issue with migraines and there's no telling when he's going to miss playing time. It's all heading towards a massive Favre implosion that is going to be spectacular to watch. My only hope is that he throws another pick as his last pass of the season so it'll be four years in a row of that. Whether it's in the playoffs or the regular season, I don't care. And then we can (hopefully) finally say good riddance.

As for the rest of the division, the Packers should run away with things and lock up one of the top 2 seeds in the conference and a first-round bye. I don't see Mike Martz helping Jay Cutler at all. Cutler just doesn't have the mental abilities to be the great QB that everyone thinks he'll be based on his arm strength alone. And now he's "dating" Kristin Cavalleri? I would not be excited for this season if I were a Bears fan. Detroit should be improved over last season, and obviously the 0-16 season before that, but they're still the Lions and they're still going to finish last in the division.

The Mark Show's picks: Packers, Vikings, Bears, Lions

Bamadawg's picks: Packers, *Vikings*, Bears, Lions

BoozeRob's picks: Vikings, *Bamadawg can eat a dick*, Bears, Lions

NFC South

Let's just take a moment and enjoy Tracy Porter's Super Bowl interception, huh?



Ahhhh, that's good shit.

A lot of people are predicting a Super Bowl hangover for the Saints. And it's not a crazy prediction by any means. They toppled Peyton Manning, brought New Orleans the city's first ever championship, and then spent the summer celebrating their asses off. Also, Don Banks pointed out today that since the Patriots beat Jacksonville in the playoffs the season after they won their 3rd Super Bowl, no SB winning team has managed to win a playoff game the following year. Kind of a crazy statistic. So no one would begrudge the Saints if they somewhat shit the bed this season. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Drew Brees is too good, and Sean Payton really impresses me as a coach. I think between the two of them, they'll have the team ready to roll to another division title.

Atlanta has the chance to challenge them but I think ultimately they'll end up settling for a wild card spot. Carolina is being floated around as a sleeper team by some NFL writers but I just don't see it. Matt Moore was serviceable in his playing time last year but as with all quarterbacks, things get a lot harder once opponents get their hands on a bunch of game film and exploit your weaknesses. Moore, combined with what is going to be an awful defense, are going to keep this team from making any noise in the division. I'm not even going to bother talking about Tampa Bay.

The Mark Show's picks: Saints, *Falcons*, Panthers, Bucs

Bamadawg's picks: Atlanta, *New Orleans*, Carolina, Tampa Bay

BoozeRob's picks: New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina

NFC East

And finally, the annoying NFC East. Once again being touted by some as the best division in football, which is bullshit. The Cowboys are legit, but the Eagles and Giants both have big question marks, and I think the Redskins are going to be a disaster.

Donovan McNabb is not the savior people are making him out to be, and neither is Mike Shanahan. Shanahan won what? One playoff game after Elway retired? And he didn't win shit with Elway until Terrel Davis arrived. Let's also not forget about how things turned out when another former Super Bowl-winning coach returned to the Redskins when Joe Gibbs made his painful-to-watch comeback a few years ago. Throw in the ugly Albert Haynesworth situation and I just can't see the Redskins having much success this year.

Philly's fate obviously rests in the hands of Kevin Kolb and his transition to the starter this year. I think he'll do well enough to get Philly a wild card spot with weapons like DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy to take some of the pressure off of him.

I don't really have anything to say about the Giants except for that it was awesome watching Eli Manning get JACKED UP in that first preseason game.

The Mark Show's picks: Cowboys, *Eagles*, Giants, Redskins

Bamadawg's picks: Dallas, Giants, Philly, Skins

BoozeRob's picks: Dallas, *Giants*, Redskins, Philly

We'll be back tomorrow with a rundown of the AFC. Get excited, people! It's almost football season!