Aaaaaaand We're Back!

Well hey hey! Anybody still checking this god damn site for updates? No? Jesus you people are demanding. You want updates more frequently than once every two months? Fine. I'd love to say that I've been super busy with no time to write but that's just simply not true. It's laziness. Pure and simple. So let's delve into some of the shit that's happened since the last time I wrote. At least some of the stuff I can remember, anyway. Getting old and senile fucking blows. Let's see, where shall we start? Oh! I know! I have a fucking kid now!

1. Baby Mark Show has arrived!

I plan on writing more about the joy/frustration/hilarity of having a baby around, but to avoid jamming 7 weeks of baby stuff into one post, let's just go with labor, delivery, and the first few days of parenthood for this one. On May 4th I went into work just like any other day and started my routine of checking email and catching up on all the shit piled up in my Google Reader cache.

Wifey called on her way to a meeting...or at least I thought she was on her way to a meeting. Nope! Turns out she thought her water might have broken so she was on the way to the hospital to get checked out.

HOLY SHIT! Well what the fuck do I do now? Just sit here and wait for you to call me back?? Do you realize how impossible that is???

So I sat. And waited. And fidgeted. And walked around. After like 4 days I finally got the call that her water had indeed broken and that she was being checked in to the hospital so that they could induce labor at some point.

This all happened at like 9am. I raced home. Grabbed Wifey's pre-packed hospital bag, packed my own bag, and hustled to the hospital. Well, turns out that there was no rushing necessary. Just because the water breaks, it doesn't mean that labor has started. So we waited. And waited. And fucking waited. We played games, we watched a movie, we had lunch AND dinner. FINALLY, at 7pm the contractions started coming.

At first they were ok, just seemed like some mild discomfort. At least to me, anyway. Hell, at 9pm I even asked if she wanted to watch LOST (um, no). And then all of a sudden, holy shit here comes the pain!

If you know me at all, you know that I kinda sorta like being in control of situations. There's a reason it's called The Mark Show, after all. Well, watching my wife go through labor was probably the most helpless I've ever felt in my entire life. There was absolutely NOTHING I could do to help her while the contractions were happening and seeing someone you love in that kind of pain is fucking brutal.

At 9:30pm, the doctor came in to check her cervix and announced that it was still only 1cm dilated. Are you fucking kidding me, lady? I think Wifey was ready to punch her in the face when she said that. So labor continued and at about 10:30 Wifey had had enough and asked for an epidural. The nurse said ok, but wanted to check her cervix one more time. Hey, no more cervix! No epidural needed! And now it's time to push...

Now this was the part that blew my mind...pushing was the "easy" part of the whole process. After all the screams during the contractions, Wifey barely made a sound during the pushing phase. I'll forever be amazed by that. Completely calm, just working to get the baby out. Fucking incredible.

Pushing took us past midnight and into May 5, 2010. Fuck yeah, Cinco de Mayo party baby! At 12:21am, the baby came roaring out. The umbilical cord was wrapped around its neck. Twice. Jesus, cut that thing! I was trying my damnedest to determine if it was a boy or a girl but I couldn't see and finally the doctor announced, "It's a boy!" WOOOOOOOOOO!

The nurse cleaned him off, swaddled him and handed him to me. And holy shit that is an incredible feeling. Indescribable, really. He was wide awake, looking at me, looking around the room, just checking everything out. No crying or fussing, just completely content, staring up at me with these huge beautiful eyes. So. Fucking. Awesome.

And now, let's get back to some sports.

2. One Quarter Away
It shouldn't have been that close going into the 4th quarter, which is what really fucking kills me. The Lakers won Game 7 because the Celtics couldn't get a fucking rebound and kept allowing second chance points. I would love to bitch about the refs, but other than a few calls, they were fine. I would love to revel in Kobe's complete and utter stinkbomb. I would love to make fun of Pau Gasol for looking a stupid llama (actually, I can still do that. Fuck you, Llama!) I would have LOVED for Sasha fucking Vujacic to have choked at the free throw line. God damn it.

I actually started cheering when Ron Artest launched that 3 with under a minute to go. I still can't believe that went in. In fact, I can't believe Ron Artest was the MVP of that game. Fucking unbelievable.

All they had to do was hang on for one more quarter and they couldn't do it. Bur.

3. The Cleveland Indians

Actually, no, let's not talk about them. Jesus christ what a disaster.

That's it for now, people. Just gotta the blog wheels rolling again. More posts coming soon. I swear!

Saturday Morning Thoughts

It's 7:30 in the morning as I start writing this post. I've been up since 6. Basically, my internal clock is a fucking asshole. I struggle to get out of bed between 6:30 and 7am every fucking day of the week when I have to get up for work, yet when it comes to Saturday? Wide fucking awake at 6am. It never fucking fails.

Our bedroom window faces east so as soon as the sun comes up our room gets lit the fuck up. Sometimes we pull the shade down but most of the time I kind of like waking up because of natural light instead of the heart attack inducing shriek of the alarm clock. But on weekends I always forget to pull the shade down and the sun and my dickhead internal clock always wake me up way too fucking early. Wifey has the ability to put a pillow over her face and go right back to sleep. I'm not nearly that lucky. I wake up and my brain is immediately filled with questions.

"Do you have to go to the bathroom?" Yes. /get up and pee
"Now that you're back in bed, do you still have to go to the bathroom?" Yes. Fuck /get up and take a dump
"Hey, how come you can't wake up during the work week but now you're wide awake?" I don't know, asshole. Let me go back to sleep!
DROID! /check phone to see a stupid email from Macy's telling me about a 10% sale. /put phone on silent
"Hey, did you win that late night Streak for the CASH pick?" Hmmm, lemme check. Nope. Fuck!

And so on...and on top of all of that bullshit are the fucking Canadian Geese that are fucking EVERYWHERE outside of my apartment building. And those fuckers do not shut the fuck up. Ever. They are such assholes. The only time I ever hear them make any noise is in the morning when I'm trying to sleep. Also, they shit everywhere. Earlier this week, some uppity geese decided to shit directly in front of the door to the building. Some day I'm gonna lose it and just snap one of their necks and cook the goose on the lawn as a warning to all the other geese. Fuck those fuckers and their incessant honking.

On another note, we're now through the first two rounds of the NFL Draft. If you follow my Twitter feed (@Mark_Show) you probably noticed that I wasn't really happy with the Patriots and how they handled the first round. I mean, really not happy. I was fucking pissed. I wanted Dez Bryant. They could have taken him and still probably gotten Devin McCourty in the 2nd round. Fucking shit. If Dez Bryant turns into a superstar....god, I don't even wanna talk about it. And if he doesn't? I will always believe that if he had come to New England things would have worked out differently and he would have been the greatest receiver of all time. Or something like that. Either way, it works out that I was right that the Pats should have taken him. I like that kind of fucked up logic. Makes me look like a genius.

However, now that it's Saturday, I've calmed down and my initial anger has subsided a little bit. I'm ready to see how McCourty works out. I'm ready to see if they actually throw the ball to the tight end they drafted with their 2nd overall pick. I'm ready to see if all the trading down benefits the team in the future. I'm just ready for fucking football! Unfortunately, the season is still over 4 months away. Balls.

As far as the NBA playoffs go, I really wish I had more time to watch the games. Especially the Western Conference games where there are some truly compelling matchups going on. But being on the East coast, I just can't stay up that late, which sucks. I wish I had stayed up to watch Kobe-Durant on Thursday night. Man I hope the Thunder can win game 4 and send things back to LA all tied up. I know it sucks for BoozeRob but even HE has to rooting for Durant, right? Am I wrong, Booze? If they could topple the Lakers in Round 1? God damn that would be fucking sweet.

And now we come to the Celtics. Going in to the playoffs, like pretty much everyone else, I really didn't have much in the way of expectations for this team. Game 1 happened and while I was happy that it looked like they were going to win, I couldn't believe that it was going to take ridiculous efforts from Glen Davis and Tony Allen to get it done. And then, of course, the scuffle happened. Paul Pierce went down, for whatever reason, and KG stood over him and then that little bitch Quentin Richardson came over and chaos broke out.

Now, I'm not going to defend KG here. He deserved his suspension. He let a fucking nobody like Q get in his head and he lost control. And he's a fucking asshole for doing that. But, Richardson can cut the shit for his quote saying that he only walked over there to get ready to inbound the ball. Not a fucking chance you piece of shit. First of all, the ball was being taken out from under the basket, dickhead. And second, everyone knows that you have issues with Pierce and the Celtics for some reason, which is pretty hilarious when you consider the fact that you're a shitty player with one skill, yet you feel like you can talk shit to anyone in the league. Get fucked.

Anyway, thanks to Pierce fucking burying the game-winner last night (why didn't the Heat use their foul to give?), it's now 3-0 and we're looking at a 2nd round matchup with Lebron and the Cavs. A week ago I would have said they had no chance. But after the the absolute ass kicking in Game 2 without KG and last night's gritty win, I'm feeling a little more optimistic. LET'S GO C'S!

Oh, and go Bruins. Wrap it up at home in Game 6, B's!

Monday Morning Eff You: March 1, 2010

Hey, hey! Getting this bad boy posted on a Monday for once! Fuck yeah!

1. Canada
Oh you lucky shithead puck freaks. God it would have been fucking awesome if the US team had pulled off the upset last night. The entire country would have been absolutely devastated. But nooooo, Sid the Kid had to go and throw a fucking hail mary at the net and somehow sneak it through the 5-hole. Oh well. It would have been nice to get the gold there but 5 minutes after the game I had moved on. I mean, it's fucking hockey. I enjoyed the shit out of the game and that's good enough. What pisses me off, though, is this whole 4-0n-4 overtime bullshit. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder hockey is a such a JV sport. Can you imagine if the NBA went to 4-on-4 for OT? It's fucking stupid. People complain about shootouts but is way fucking worse. Whatever.

2. The Celtics
Holy shit are you assholes fucking kidding me?? Losing to the Nets? At home??? Wow. I guess it's just about time to stick a fork in this season, huh? Believe me, I'm not going to give up on the team outright but that was pretty demoralizing. I didn't watch the game, but I can only assume that Nate Robinson is a little fucking midget cancer. And don't let BoozeRob tell you differently!

3. Marco Materazzi
I know, I know. Who?? Well, Matterazi is the guy who got famously head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final that Italy eventually won in penalty kicks. Today I was checking the sports headlines and on cnnsi.com the headline was this:

Zidane: I 'rather die' than apologize for actions

My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Wow. Zidane is such a fucking asshole that he doesn't even give a shit that he might have cost his team the World Cup by getting red carded in Extra Time?" So I clicked on the link and found out that headline is quite misleading. Zidane has repeatedly apologized to his teammates and soccer fans and pretty much everyone except for Materazzi. And seriously, why the fuck would he apologize to him? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

But that's not the point here, the point is this:

Materazzi recently told Italy's La Repubblica paper he was still waiting for Zidane to apologize and that he was still so angry over the incident that he won't even watch this year's tournament in South Africa.

Are you fucking kidding me, buddy? You really expect anyone to believe that load of bullshit? Oh yeah, I'm sure you're REALLY upset about trashing Zidane's sick mother, baiting him into head-butting you, getting him kicked out of the game and helping your team win the World fucking Cup. I'm just so sure that it just eats you up inside that he hasn't apologized. Seriously, die in a fire. There's no fucking way that you actually boycott watching the World Cup this year. And if you do? Well then you're just a fucking tool.

4. Jimmy Clausen
Scouts at the NFL Combine have reportedly discovered that Clausen is a cocky piece of shit douchebag. In other news, the rest of the world already fucking knew that. Jesus christ I can't wait to see Clausen plummet on draft day and then fail in the NFL. Brady Quinn 2.o here we come!

Monday Morning Eff You: November 9, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The Green Bay Packers

Wow. Way to kill the dream of a 2nd straight season with an 0-16 team, assholes. That was fucking pathetic. Rookie head coach who doesn't seem to know what the fuck he's doing starts his 3rd different starting QB of the season (who happens to be a rookie making his first career start) and you get blown the fuck out? Weren't you people supposed to contending for the NFC North, if not the Super Bowl? What happened?

On the other hand, you guys probably took out a nice chunk of the people remaining in my suicide poo---wait, NO ONE picked the Packers? What the fuck? Well then double fuck you, Green Bay! Worthless pieces of shit.

Also, I found out today that our own BamaDawg is a Packers fan. Wait just one god-damn second. A Packers fan AND a Yankees fan? Holy fucking frontrunner, Batman! You're not a Lakers fan, are you dude? Holy shit.

2. Brett Favre

Hmmm, the Vikings had their bye week this weekend, and yet Peter King STILL managed to shoehorn this fucker into his MMQB column like 47 times. He's like herpes. Even if there's not an outbreak, he can still be transmitted!

3. The Dolphins fan sitting in my section on Sunday

This fucking guy, god, what a fucking asshole. Let's say you're a Dolphins fan and you've got a ticket to watch them take on the Pats at Gillette Stadium. And let's say that you decide to support your team by wearing your bright orange, authentic Chad Pennington jersey (more on that in a second). Now, if you had an IQ above 65, you'd probably expect to be heckled a little bit, right? Just a little, right?

Well, not this guy. After Ricky Williams scored to tie the game at 10 apiece, this guy and his buddy stood up and cheered, as is their obvious right to do. A couple guys sitting in the row behind me threw a few good natured taunts their way. I swear to god, it was good natured. This wasn't your stereotypical Boston-area taunt, filled with obscenities and vulgarities that would send any parent with a young child sprinting for the exits. It was pretty harmless. But dickhead over there had to turn around, pretend to be tough, curse a couple times even though there were kids in the area, and generally make an ass of himself. God, what a touchy little douchebag.

Every year I go to at least one Indians-Sox game, and I ALWAYS wear my obnoxious t-shirt that has a ginormous (suck it, BamaDawg!) Chief Wahoo on it. And every year, I get heckled like crazy. I even had a chick intentionally spill her beer on me (fucking cunt) at a bar after an Indians win. But that's all part of the fun. If I responded like this prick did, it would ruin everything. And that just won't do.

As for the Pennington jersey...yikes. First of all, this thing was authentic from the Pro Shop. It wasn't some defective version from Korea that you can find on Craigslist or Ebay for like 80 bucks. This sucker was at least $250. Really? For Chad Pennington. Pennington joined the Dolphins last year after being dropped from the Jets after they sold their souls for Brett Favre. Did this guy really think it was a good idea to spend money on an aging QB with a noodle arm who had never won anything in his life and had just joined the team? Is the situation that fucking bad in Miami? Well, I guess it kinda is, but still. Get Ronnie Brown or something. A fucking Pennington jersey. I still can't stop laughing about it.

4. The Boston Celtics

How dare you lose a game! How dare you!

Friday night my wife got a craving for Fuddrucker's. Fine by me! We picked up her 16-year old brother and his girlfriend because they wanted to come to and off we went. Normally when I go to Fuddrucker's, I get the half-pound original with bacon, avocadoes and cheddar cheese. But on Friday, all I'd eaten all day was a bowl of cereal and a bagel, so I was fucking STARVING. I started thinking, hmmm, I've never attempted the one pound burger. I wonder if I could finish it? I bet I can. "Hi, I'll take the one pound original with bacon, avocado and cheddar cheese, please." The cashier turned around and yelled "One pounder!" into the kitchen. Wait, he didn't do that for the other sizes. Shit. Now lemme tell you, this was a fucking GINORMOUS (one more and BamaDawg's head will explode. It's like saying Beatlejuice three times!) piece of meat. To really add to the task, I added tomatoes, pickles, onions and jalepenos.

And you know what? I ate the whole motherfucking thing. And it was delicious. But then, about halfway home, I reeeaaally didn't feel so hot. One of three things was going to happen, and soon: I needed to lie down, I needed to puke, or I needed to shit. Something had to give. I tried burping to get rid of some air in my stomach, but sadly, there was none. All meat. I started sweating like crazy and told Wifey that I needed to be dropped off before she took her brother home. What did Wifey do? Laughed her fucking ass off. Laughed, and laughed, and then laughed some fucking more. Thanks for the support, lady. Anyway, I made it home without soiling myself or puking on the steering wheel and then spent the rest of the night either lying on the couch or sitting on the toilet. And to make matters worse, I had to watch the Celtics' 82-0 season go down the figurative shitter. But I never puked! And it's a good thing, too, cuz then the one pounder wouldn't have counted and I would have had to try it again.

5. BoozeRob
You mean now I have manually count the number times I say "fuck" in each post and calculate my FPP? Well fuck you fucking fuck! How much free time do you think I have??

6. Anyone complaining about the profanity on this site

Fuck you.

/starts counting