Dorn of the Week: Jim Nantz

Hey everybody, it's fucking Jim Nantz as our Dorn of the Week! Mike Greenberg was the leader in the clubhouse for his "Martin Luther Coon" slip-up early in the week, but quite frankly, that's not the first time anyone's slipped like that and really, are we supposed to believe the Greeny is a racist? I don't think so.

But why Jim Nantz, you ask? Well, we've got two reasons for you. First of all, we all know that Nantz is somewhat famous for coming up with cheesy lines to punctuate a championship or Masters win or whatever. Some stupid pun or analogy that your average dipshit viewer can understand. "Rock. Chalk. Championship." comes to mind most recently after Kansas won the NCAA Tournament a few years ago. So that's all well and good, but this Sunday, after the Colts had won the AFC championship, Nantz served up this gem of fucktardery:

As smooth and as sweet as custard, Peyton Manning and the Colts patiently figured it out.

What?? Custard? Fucking CUSTARD? Did that smug piece of shit really just compare Peyton Manning to custard? At first I thought I was just hearing things but then a text from a buddy confirmed it. Jesus christ, Nantz. What the fuck?

And then there's this...Jim Nantz expressing his love for the Jonas brothers and claiming they will be biggest thing since the Beatles:



Ho-ly shit. First of all, I fucking hate Imus, but god bless him for just flat out saying the Jonas Brothers suck. I mean, I like all kinds of shitty music, I'll blast Miley Cyrus all fucking day, but I draw the line with those 3 little fuckstains. I love that Nantz immediately shifts gears and tries to say he only went to the FOUR concerts because of his daughter. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Nantz is such a fucking creep that it wouldn't shock me if he were a secret pedophile. He just gives off that vibe sometimes.

So there you have it, welcome to exclusive Dorn club, Jimmy boy!

Dorn of the Week: Lane Kiffin

Wow what a doozy this week for our Dorn of the Week. This week Two weeks ago Lane Kiffin became College Football's biggest asshole by spurning the Tennessee Volunteers after just one season to move to take over the position vacated by Pete Carroll at Southern Cal.

As Knoxville got wind of Kiffin's betrayal, the campus exploded into a fucking riot. Literally. Don't believe me? Well check out the Twitter account of Tennessee hoop's player Renaldo Woolridge, aka SwiperBoy. Woolridge was the eye's on the ground as he had a view of the madness from out side his window.

just started an "F U KIFFIN" chant....CRAZYY!! 7:34 PM Jan 12th from mobile web

THEY JUST TEAR GASSED EVERY1!!! 7:35 PM Jan 12th from mobile web 

 WOW he just left they chased his car down the street!!! 7:50 PM Jan 12th from mobile web

YEA they TEAR GASSED ppl OUTSIDE...idk how that worked but ppl moved!! 8:13 PM Jan 12th from mobile web 

And of course, leave it to YouTube to provide us with some amateur video of the chaos outside the UT football complex:






Fucking crazy right? What's even crazier about the whole situation was Lane's farewell press conference. This mother fucker had the balls to demand that the media did not carry it live. On top of that, he refused to take any questions about his abrupt abandonment of the UT program.




And While all of this was going on, Ed Ogeron was in the back trying to fuck the Vol's in the ass one last time:




So why the hell would a university facing NCAA sanctions do to past misfortune take a chance on guy with literally no integrity?Arrogance? Stupidity? Who knows....

One thing is for sure, the rest of the Pac 10 can't wait for Lane's next fuck up and the black cloud of sanctions to finally settle over Southern Cal.

Dorn of the Week: LeGarrette Blount

Oregon's season started with a punch:

And it ended with a fumble (Right around 2:02):





Both at the hands of everyone's favorite fuck up, LeGarrette Blount. It seriously couldn't have been a better way to end this fuckers season career. With the game on the line, this shit box boots the ball 15 yards in front of him and all but destroys any chance that the Oregon Ducks had to make a comeback against the Buckeyes.


This is karma at its fucking finest. Oregon head man Chip Kelley supposedly suspended this shithead for the season after the infamous cold cocking of Byron Hout, but when things got tough later in the season he changed his mind.

Shocking.

Well, fuck you Chip Kelley and fuck you LeGarrette Blount. You are both heading home losers of the Rose Bowl.

Again.

1917 and counting boys...

Dorn of the Week: Mike Holmgren

 It's a slow week for DoW, so I'm going for a personal grudge. This week's Dorn is the Walrus, Mike Holmgren. This mother fucker turned down a job to run my god awful Seahawks to take a similar position with the Cleveland fucking Browns (Also known as the team TheMarkShow loved before he jumped on the Pats bandwagon).

Honestly, I really shouldn't be too upset. After all Holmgren's first stint in organization leadership landed the Hawks players like Marcus "Burnt Toast" Trufant. Fuck that guy and his inability to cover anyone in the NFL. Trufant makes fullbacks on a swing route look like fucking Andre Johnson.

So as old Holmy leaves his big ass house on the shores of Lake Washington for the depressing shit stained city of Cleveland, the Hawks are left holding their dicks looking for someone to rebuild their team.

So fuck you Mike! Enjoy Brady Quinn.

Dorn of the Week: Adalius Thomas

As you may have heard, the Patriots sent 4 players home from practice on Wednesday for showing up late to a morning meeting. One of those players was Randy Moss, and his subsequent performance in Sunday's game caused me to include him in the MMFU. But as shitty as his performance was, at least he kept his fucking mouth shut, which was something Adalius Thomas couldn't do:

Yesterday, Thomas chafed at the notion that Wednesday’s dismissal was
motivating.
“Motivation is for kindergartners,’’ he said. “I’m not a
kindergartner. Sending somebody home, that’s like, ‘You’re expelled until you
come back and make good grades.’ Get that [expletive] out of here. It’s
ridiculous.’’

In the middle of Thomas’s 10-minute session with a throng of reporters,
healthy-yet-inactive cornerback Shawn Springs walked past. Springs peered over
the pack and in a playful voice called out, “Sorry, AD.’’

Thomas laughed and called back, “Sorry, Shawn.’’

“I was told to go home, I went home,’’ Thomas said. “Enjoyed my day
off. Put my toes up in the air and relaxed.’’

Oh, so you don't need motivation, huh fuckwad? You signed a huge free agent contract in 2007 and you have done exactly jack fucking SHIT since you got here. You've sucked donkey dick all fucking season. You were a fucking HEALTHY scratch week 6 versus the Titans. You are fucking awful and you're playing like complete shit and this latest bitchy little outburst got your underproducing ass benched again. You clearly haven't been able to unfuck yourself so Belichick had to step in. Take a look in the mirror you piece of shit. Tom Brady's wife fucking gave birth the night before and he still made it to the stadium on time.

So all together now: SHUT UP, DORN! You and Shawn Springs can go fuck yourselves, laughing it up as free agent busts. Congratufuckinglations, asshole. Enjoy your extended vacation until you get traded or cut in the offseason.

Dorn of the Week: Tiger Woods

Well we all knew this was coming, right? Unless you're a fucking dipshit you know that this week's Dorn award goes to Tiger Woods. Unless you've been camped out under a fucking rock for the past week and a half you know the story in a nutshell: Tiger has been fucking around on Elin with a shitload of different chicks. What an asshole. And a few of the alleged home wreckers are fucking U-G-L-Y. Jesus, if you're gonna go cheat on your Swedish supermodel wife, at least make it worthwhile.

I'm not gonna sit here and rehash every little thing about this story, but I just wanted to mention why this whole thing REALLY has me pissed off. From now until fucking eternity, EVERY time my wife and I are together and we see something related to Tiger, an ad, a golf tournament, whatever, she's going to have some snide remark about his cheating ass. EVERY. TIME. It's not as bad as the "If Tiger cheats and you still like him that means you're ok with cheating!" bullshit that I'm sure millions of husbands are going to have to deal with, but it's annoying nonetheless. So fuck you very much for that, Tiger.

Update: Completely forgot to throw this video in here. Bad job by me.

PS - I would have loved to give the Dorn to BoozeRob for breaking his fucking ankle this weekend. Way to go dickhead. Now your poor wife has to take care of your fucking gimpy ass for god knows how long while you sit there and play Xbox and get high on percocets? Fuck that. If I were her I'd take the power cables from all your video game consoles. What are you gonna do, chase her? Nope, you'd be fucked. And then you'd cry. Just like Tim Tebow. Cry, Booze, cry!

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Tiger Woods

God fucking damn you, Tiger. You're supposed to be one of the good guys, not some dickhead running around committing adultery with two kids at home. Call me a pussy if you want to, but this whole story has me bummed out. I guess it's pretty hypocritical of me to laugh my ass off at the Steve Phillips story and then have the complete opposite reaction to this, but it is what is. Fucking A.

And Tiger? You can stop bitching about the media any time now. A huge part of the reason you're a bazillionaire is because the media helped boost up your squeaky clean image that made you all of that endorsement money. You can't have it both ways, fucker. Get your fucking act together, start winning more tournaments, and stop fucking around on your wife. Or get a divorce. Whatever. Seriously, how the fuck do you cheat on a hot piece of ass like Elin? I guess this just reinforces the old saying: "Show me a hot chick and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her."

Tiger's Statement

Dorn of the Week: Charlie Weis

Two weeks overdue, our latest DoW is none other than Charlie Weis. We here at OGDH aren't exactly fans of Charlie or the Notre Dame team he led until yesterday afternoon, but any prexisting bias doesn't change the fact that this fat fuck deserves our prestigous award.

For 5 years Charlie has been nothing short of a disappointment for the Irish faithful. Shortly after taking over for the last fuckstick of  a head coach (none other than Tyrone Willingham), Charlie was granted an enormous extension on his contract before he even proved he could build and sustain a winner. Why? Well he wasn't Tyrone.

Sadly, the departure of the most arrogant piece of shit in all of College Football means I will never see my Notre Dame vs. Kansas dream match up....

 vs.

So long, Charlie... you may never have won a BCS bowl, but at least you won our Dorn of the Week.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Rex Ryan

Reader D. Chuck checks in this morning with a guest post nominee for Dorn of the Week. Here's what he has to say:

Jesus Christ I hate the Jets. Just shut the fuck up and move on! Why are you still talking about this game? How was LeVoir's block illegal in any way? He blocked you! You're in the NFL, you're going to get blocked, sometimes hard! Next time pay attention! And dear God, shut UP Rex Ryan. Disrespected? You are the poster boy for not respecting your opponent. You left season ticket holders voicemails before we played the first game. You made Kevin O'Connell (yes, the immortal Kevin O'Connell) a captain for this game, and the Week 2 game, solely because you were playing the Patriots. So shut the hell up. Oh, and speaking of disrespect, how about calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in a game that you were losing by 17? Is that respectful? GOD.

Well put. That fat fuck can choke on Fireman Ed's fucking helmet. Did you know he gave Fireman Ed a fucking gameball after the Week 2 game? How fucking pathetic is that?

Source: Boston Herald

Dorn of the Week Nominee: The Cleveland Browns

So, everyone knows that the Browns are fucking pathetic, but I didn't realize that they were THIS pathetic. Jesus Christ almighty, they are actually responding to Lebron James' ridiculously stating that he would like to play football?? From ESPN:

"I think he should come on down," Mangini said.

The NBA superstar, who was an all-state wide receiver in high school, said Tuesday night that if he put the time and commitment into it, he could be a good football player.

"If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good," he said Tuesday night, "no matter what team I was on."

Mangini agreed, calling James "a freak athletically," and said the 6-foot-8, 250-pounder could be dangerous at tight end, wide receiver or even outside linebacker.

Hey, dumbfuck! Maybe instead of entertaining the absolute pipe dream of Lebron coming to the NFL, maybe you should concentrate on getting your team to be something other than an absolute fucking disgrace. Fucking hell. A week ago the GM that YOU handpicked was canned and then on Monday night you were fucking humiliated on national television. AND you hurt your best player, Joshua Cribbs, by attempting a completely pointless hook and lateral play on the last play of the game even though a score meant absolutely nothing. Nice job, fuckface.

And then there's Brady Quinn...

Quarterback Brady Quinn also heard about James' football fetish. He would love to have a target like James to throw to in the red zone.

"That'd be great," Quinn said. "Tell him to suit up and let us know, we'll get him working. Obviously he's an incredibly talented athlete. If he wants to try to play a little bit now, we'd be more than willing to pick him up."

Are you shitting me? Why the fuck are they treating this as if it has any fucking chance of actually happening? And if it did somehow happen, there's no way in hell that a shitty QB like Brady Quinn would be able to take advantage of it. That guy fucking sucks and everyone but Charlie Weis knows it.

So here's your latest Dorn of the Week nominee; an embarrassment of a franchise that needs to blow everything the fuck up and start from scratch. Fucking assholes.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: The Seattle Ninja

Whats this world coming to when ninja's can't even do something simple like jump over a fucking fence?

Police: Would-be Seattle ninja impaled on fence

The Associated Press • Published November 17, 2009

SEATTLE – Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it.

An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived to take him to Harborview Medical Center. A hospital spokeswoman said Tuesday he was in serious condition in intensive care.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought he might have been involved in the reported assault, but the man insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Fucking Ninjas in my home town! This really shouldn't shock anyone who has been to Seattle. I mean, Asians are everywhere here. One of those fuckers was bound to be a Ninja or even a fucking Samurai. Now that would be cool. A fucking Samurai. Not some pussy white guy Samurai like Tom Cruise in "The Last Samurai." I'm talking like that pony tailed mother fucker in that movie who just constantly shit beat old Tom all over that fucking mountain village.

You know what else is cool? Bears.

Dorn of the Week: Bill Belichick

Woof. It fucking pains me to do this but I have to give Dorn of the Week to Bill Belichick this time.

As I said in the previous post, I don't think it was the worst call in the world to go for it on 4th down. There have been statistics that back up the decision, to an extent, and if Faulk doesn't juggle the ball, everyone is talking about what a genius Belichick is today.

What really bothers me, however, is the series of plays and events that led up to the 4th down try.

On first down, after a Colts TD, extra point, TV timeout, kickoff, and another TV timeout, the Pats had to fucking waste a timeout because they had the wrong personnel on the field. How the fuck does this happen???? You have to put that on the coach. And then there's Belichick seemingly saying that the plan was to go for it on 4th down all along, according to his press conference today:

When you called the third-down play, did you have in mind that if they didn’t get it you would go for it on fourth down?

Belichick: "No, we pretty much made that decision on third down."

Was sending the punt team out basically to try to get the defense . . .

Belichick: "No, I said it was a miscommunication on our part that a couple guys started out and then the offense reacted to that and the punt team kind of reacted to the offense, and it wasn’t cleanly handled on the substitution."

Now, that first question and answer is kind of weird but the whole exchange seems to suggest that they were, in fact, planning on going for it on 4th down no matter what. If this were the case, why in the holy name of fuck did they throw on 3rd down instead of running the ball and forcing the Colts to call their final timeout if the play was stuffed? I don't understand that at all. At. All.

And again, when the punt team starts to run out instead of staying the fuck put on the sidelines, which forced the Pats to blow their final timeout, that again falls on the coach. This isn't the type of shit that should be happening to what is supposed to be one of the best coached teams in the NFL. And that is why Bill Belichick is your Dorn of the Week.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Roger Goodell

Fucking Roger Goodell. Are you serious with this ridiculous $20,000 fine for Ochocinco? That is some major fucking bullshit there. If you can find me one person, just one, that actually believes Ocho was seriously trying to bribe that official then I'll shut my mouth, but you can't, and that's why this fine is complete shit. I get it, you don't want anyone questioning the integrity of your officials and all that but jesus fucking christ. Lighten up a little, huh? It was a fucking ONE dollar bill. What's makes this especially puke worthy is the fact that Ocho was fined and DeAngelo Hall wasn't fined for trying to fucking fight Mike Smith on the sidelines in Atlanta. So congrats, Roger, the No Fun League lives on. Great.

By the way, in every picture of Goodell he looks like he's giving some condescending scolding to a 5-year old or something. Dude's a fucking prick.

Dorn of the Week Nominees: Martina Navratilova and Marat Safin

Last week, after the release of Andre Agassi's autobiography, which revealed that he had tested positive for crystal meth but lied his way out of a suspension, Martina Navratilova spoke up and said that she now views him in the same light as Roger Clemons. I considered making her a DOTW Nominee but I held back because for some reason I have a soft spot for Martina. And also, it's fucking tennis, and who gives a fuck, right?

But now, Marat Safin has opened his big fucking yap and suggested that Agassi should forfeit his titles and give back his winnings. And now I feel like I have to say something.

In the spirit of this blog...SHUT UP, DORN! Or in this case, Martina and Marat. Let's start with you, Martina. Are you fucking kidding me, comparing Agassi to Roger Clemens? Let's see, Clemens lied about steroids, which helped him to multiple Cy Young awards and propelled himself to the status of one of the greatest pitchers of all time. How does that even remotely compare to using crystal meth? Last time I checked, steroids enhanced performance and crystal meth seriously inhibited performance. Not that I would actually know in either case.

And you, Marat, where the fuck do you get off saying that Agassi should relinquish his titles? If Agassi was doing crystal meth AND winning titles, that's fucking amazing. Imagine if he hadn't been doing that shit? He might have even more titles. I'm sure you wouldn't give up your titles and money if it came out that you beat someone who was impaired because he was using, right? And as for questioning Agassi's motives for coming out with this information now? Of course he's trying to sell books! Shocking! But there's also the fact that Agassi has gone on the record saying that this secret has weighed on his conscience for years and he wanted to get it off his chest.

So both of you, shut the fuck up and move on with your lives. This doesn't put a black mark on tennis in even the slightest way. If anything, it's bringing attention to your sport, which has plummeted in recent years as far as public interest goes. So maybe you should be a little bit grateful that people are actually talking about tennis in terms other than the star power of Federer, Nadal, and fat-ass Serena.

Source: ESPN

Dorn of the Week: Joey Porter

Hey everybody! Your Dorn of the Week is Joey Porter! What's that you say? He wasn't even nominated last week? Well fuck you! I make the rules, my little bitches.

Seriously though, does Joey Porter really ever need actually be nominated for Dorn of the Week. I mean the guy's always running his mouth, making ridiculous statements, crying like the abused child that he is, so there's really no need to point it out week after week. The guy is a grade-A asshole and sometimes it's just best to tune him out.

So when he gave interview after fucking interview to each and every dipshit reporter who thinks he's getting some outrageous soundbyte when Porter talks about how hates the Pats (for the millionth time), how the Pats cheated him out of two Super Bowl rings (blowing homefield advantage wasn't his fault!), and now, how Tom Brady can ask for a penalty flag and receive it any time he wants, I pretty much just let it go. After all, the guy is an idiot. He can't help himself. Whatever.

But then! Here comes gameday! And what does Porter do to exact his revenge on the evil Patriots? Jack. Fucking. Shit. Zero sacks. Zero tackles. Zero assists. Fucking NOTHING! Oh how sweet it is. And the best part, is that the Miami Herald has balls to call the Pats organization classless for putting this on the Jumbotron towards the end of the game.

Hey, you can't argue with the stats, people. Porter talked a big game and then got his ass handed to him by a rookie offensive guard and never got close enough to Brady to even sniff his Stetson. So fuck you, Joey Porter! And enjoy your time as Dorn of the Week.

And while we're here, don't think I forgot about you, Roy Williams! You're just lucky ol' fuckhead came along and decided not to make a SINGLE play yesterday or it would be your whiny ass occupying this spot. Oh, you made 5 catches for 75 yards and your team won? Well guess who Tony Romo looked for with the game on the line? That's right, Miles Austin, the supposed #2 receiver! Listen, asshole, just shut up and play and we can all move along.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Jimmy Rollins

I love when athletes say stupid fucking shit like this:

"We may have lost, but we’re still the better team."

Sure you are, why even bother playing the games then? If it wasn’t for Cliff Lee, Jimmy, you would have gotten you’re ass swept.

I love this quote from him too:

"They were the better team this series," Rollins said Wednesday night. "Do I think we're the better team? I really do. They just executed. I think we weren't playing bad, but they were playing that much better. ... They got the hits, we didn't. It's that simple."

So I guess a team that plays better doesn’t actually mean it IS better.

Sweet logic.

Link to Jimmy's Asshattery from the NY Daily News.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Roy Williams

"I'm the No. 1 receiver but thing's are just going No. 2's way. He gets the ball thrown correctly his way. I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs are everywhere right now."

Holy shit is this guy for fucking real? Let's take a quick looksee at the stats, shall we? Williams has 16 starts for the Cowboys since arriving from Detroit last year and he's caught 33 passes for 447 yards and 3 touchdowns. Miles Austin has started 3 games and caught 21 passes for 458 yards and 5 touchdowns. Gee, I wonder why "things are going No. 2's way?" What a fucking asshole. The Cowboys are 5-2 and are finally showing signs of life after a poor start to the season and this shithead has to mouth off about Tony Romo? What a complete and utter piece of shit. Get fucked, Roy Williams, you're the leader in the clubhouse for Dorn of the Week. Congratulations, dick.

Source: ESPN

Dorn of the Week Nominee: PETA

I meant to put this up yesterday, but fuck I was tired and felt like just parking my ass on the couch for the entire night and watching the Celtics kick ass, so there you go...Anyway, our first Dorn of the Week Nominee, the tree-hugging dipshits at PETA! Fucking hippies.

As you know, Manu Ginobili slapped the shit out of a bat over the weekend and wouldn't you know it, some little bitch over at PETA just had to open her slunty little mouth about it. Is this bitch fucking kidding? What's even more shocking to me is the number of fuckwits in the comments section who actually agree that Manu is some kind of scumbag for swatting a bat. It's a fucking bat, people! A fucking disgusting little rat with wings that carries rabies all over the fucking place. AND THE BAT LIVED! They took it outside and the nasty little fucker flew right off to go spread its filthy diseases elsewhere. So there you have it, fuck off PETA, and the rest of you hippies can fuck right off with them.

In the words of the always brilliant Eric Cartman, go hug a fucking tree.

Dorn of the Week: Glen Davis

Well jesus fucking christ it was a slow week for Dorn nominees. Hey assholes! Start acting more assholish so we have shit to write about on this damn site! Fuck. Anyway, so by default (the two sweetest words in the English language) this week's Dorn is Glen 'Big Baby' Davis for the fucktardery of fighting with his best friend and breaking his thumb just night's before the season opener against the Cavs. Fucking idiot. The whole story is strange, but the weirdest part is that when Baby and his fuck-buddy emerged from the SUV after their little slapfight, Baby was shirtless. What the fuck was going on in there? Now, we all know that Baby has no problem going sans shirt...
but jesus, in an SUV with your buddy and your girlfriend at 4am? Fucking lock it up, dude. Anyway, there would be a lot more anger in this post but the Celtics look like they're gonna go 82-0 so I really don't give a shit about not having this fat fucking jackass around for the next 5 or 6 weeks.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Glen Davis

And here we have Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Our first nominee for the week. Let's role play for one second here: I'm a 24-year old NBA player who just signed a fairly lucrative extension and it's a few days away from the season opener against the fucking Lebrons. I'll tell you I wouldn't be fucking doing...getting in a drunken fist fight with my best friend that ends up breaking my thumb, requiring fucking surgery, and missing about 6 weeks of the season. YOU STUPID FAT FUCK! Jesus christ, how hard is it to have a few drinks with your buddy and not end up throwing fucking blows! I hope the Celtics fine the shit out of you, you sniffling piece of blubber. Jesus fuck.