1) Oregon makes me sad.
2) Scotch can make you think a girl is a guy...
You read that last one right.
I avoided College Football for most of the weekend because I couldn't stand to see anymore hype surrounding the Oregon Fucks and their game against USC. Actually it was kind of nice. I played video games, hung out with the wife... it was a nice little Saturday.
Until kickoff anyway. Big thanks to USC for showing up.
Remember when I picked USC to win and touted their NFL caliber defense? Well they truly could play for the Lions because they gave up over 600 yards of total offense.600 fucking yards. Almost 400 of that was rushing! It was USC's worst loss since 1997.
Fuck.
So what did I learn? Well Oregon is legit. If it wasn't for Boise State we would be talking about Florida vs. Oregon in a BCS title game full of spread option faggotry. The worst part about this is that it's only a matter of time of before the Duck killing Broncos are passed in the polls by the Ducks.
Oh college football... no one ever said you were fair.
Anyway that brings us to number two on the things I learned this weekend. Some of you out there may have been aware that Saturday was also Halloween (Bamadawg hates Halloween for some fucked up reason). Well this year I started the celebration around 6 pm with a huge glass of scotch followed by a bottle of wine with the wife and another huge glass of scotch while watching Anchorman on DVD. By the time we left for the bar I was already doing my drunken dance which is kind of mix between dumbfuck line dancing and river dance.
Oh, did I mention I was dressed as a beer keg? Seriously. I even had a functioning tap on my head filled with beer that leaked all over the fucking place.
Anyway we get to the bar and the first thing I do is promptly drop a glass on the floor which fucking explodes in shock and awe generating a chorus of boo's from the crowd... including the asshole who was dressed as Adam and was basically butt fucking naked. Thanks for the show fuckstick.
Two pitchers and about six beers from my head tap later, I was lit. I mean lit the fuck up. I was at the point just before you black out and everything gets a little blurry. I needed to sit down so I hit up some table and my wife came by to check on me. Keep in mind my wife was there for the entire show that was about to happen. So here it began, over walks an extremely gothed out person who sits at our table. I swear to god it was a guy. Being the drunken asshole I am, I thought it would be hilarious to yell out "I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH HER!". Well my wife loved that immediately asking what the fuck I was thinking.
My response?Me: "DUDE ITS A FUCKING GUY! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"
Wife: "That's not a guy."
Me: "Bullshit, look harder that's a fucking dude."
Wife: "I know her, that's a girl."
Oh fuck.
I squinted trying hard to get the two blurry images to line up, and BAM! it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a girl. That's right, I was the asshole at the table. Suddenly I was totally fucking sober and had to explain to the wife my logic in assuming it was a guy. I would have been better off just standing up and doing my drunk dickface jig some more.
For the rest of the night, I made small talk with the he/she, trying to show her that I was in fact not an asshole. I'm not really sure if she heard me say she was a guy or not, but she definitely heard me yell I want to make out with you.
All in all, it was a nice little Saturday filled with a Duck thrashing of USC and me accusing some chick of being a cross dressing dude.
Then I woke up on Sunday to watch the Seahawks get dismantled by the Cowboys.
Fuck my life.
