Dorn of the Week Nominee: Tiger Woods

God fucking damn you, Tiger. You're supposed to be one of the good guys, not some dickhead running around committing adultery with two kids at home. Call me a pussy if you want to, but this whole story has me bummed out. I guess it's pretty hypocritical of me to laugh my ass off at the Steve Phillips story and then have the complete opposite reaction to this, but it is what is. Fucking A.

And Tiger? You can stop bitching about the media any time now. A huge part of the reason you're a bazillionaire is because the media helped boost up your squeaky clean image that made you all of that endorsement money. You can't have it both ways, fucker. Get your fucking act together, start winning more tournaments, and stop fucking around on your wife. Or get a divorce. Whatever. Seriously, how the fuck do you cheat on a hot piece of ass like Elin? I guess this just reinforces the old saying: "Show me a hot chick and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her."

Tiger's Statement

Monday Morning Eff You: November 16, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. That Fucking Game Last Night
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That fucking sucked. I seriously considered waiting until tomorrow to do MMFU since I'm exhuasted, but fuck it, let's get it out of the way. Fuck that game. Fuck Peyton Manning. Fuck Reggie Wayne and his impossibly good hands. Fuck the dipshits running the RCA Dome who tried to burn the fucking house down. Fuck the Pats' D for letting up in the 4th quarter and allowing the 79-yard TD drive that apparently put the fear of God into Belichick. And fuck not being able to get 2 fucking yards at the most critical juncture of the game. Fuck.

Bill Belichick is getting skewered all over the place for the decision to go for it on 4th down at the end of the game. Most of it is fair, but let's cut the shit with the people calling it one of the worst decisions in the history of football and/or sports, shall we? Was it a great or even good call? Absolutely not. But a big reason for that judgement is because of the result. If Faulk doesn't juggle the ball and comes up with the first down, the same people ripping BB to shreds this morning are singing his praises. I also have a feeling that Brady had something to do with talking Belichick into going for it, so maybe Tom should be taking some of the heat as well. I don't know.

What I do know is that the Patriots showed me enough to know that if/when they're back in Indy for the playoffs, they have a good enough team to put themselves in position to win. And that's all you can really ask for as a fan.

Fucking Colts.

2. The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons
I'm a big fan of Bill Simmons, to the point where you could even call me a Simmons Apologist at times, but I was so fucking annoyed with this segment in his picks column on Friday that I immediately knew I'd be writing about him this morning. Let's take a look:

"Our first one: I wrote a chunk of this column at a local Starbucks. One seat
over from me, some dude in his 40s was listening to music on his headphones,
playing online Scrabble and occasionally talking loud calls on his cell phone.
How much do you have to hate your own apartment, house, wife or girlfriend that
you say, "I can't stand it here anymore, I'm going to Starbucks to play online
Scrabble?" Last week, someone brought work to the same Starbucks, then proceeded to sing and hum to the songs they were playing despite everyone else glaring at
her. Of course, that didn't top what happened to me nearly two years ago, when some crazy dude grabbed a New York Times from the newspaper rack, brought it into the unisex bathroom, proceeded to drop anchor for the next 15 minutes, then emerged from the bathroom holding the newspaper like Dad coming out of the john on a Saturday morning.

Now, in a perfect world, people would only go to a coffeehouse to eat, drink, write,
read, study or converse. You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house. You can't make loud phone calls and sing along to music. You can't sit in a comfy chair not drinking, not eating and not doing anything other than staring at everyone else. But since people can't seem to get the hang of this, here's my suggestion: Every coffee place should designate one employee (a barista, waitress, pastry chef or whomever) as a de facto bouncer. It becomes their job to jettison loiterers, loud talkers, losers, weirdos and everyone else. Maybe they could even wear different uniforms. We could call them "coolers." This would work. Until then, I will remain peeved."

Ok, so those are a couple annoying situations, and the taking the paper into the shitter thing is pretty brutal, but what pisses me off is the statement, "You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house." Oh really, you fucking asshole? Isn't that EXACTLY what you're doing? Guess what, fuckface, if you don't want to be bothered by people talking in a public place, STAY THE FUCK HOME. How much do YOU have to hate YOUR own house, wife and kids to have to sit in a Starbucks and write a column bitching about other people in Starbucks? Go back to your fucking office man-cave with 4 tvs and everything else that you love bringing up all the fucking time. What a fucking pretentious prick.

3. The Boston Celtics

Hey assholes! Stop fucking losing games on Friday fucking night! Jesus christ is it too much for me to ask to see a win to start my weekend? And if you're gonna be complete dickwads and lose on Friday, at least have the common fucking decency to win your next game! Fucking christ.

4. Brett Favre

You can just feel it in the air, can't you? The second-half collapse is coming any day now. There's only so many times that Adrian Peterson can bail Favre's old ass out (and against the Lions of all teams) before Favre completely fucks the Vikings and their fans right in the face.

5. BoozeRob

You were at a wedding with Jason Bay in attendance and you didn't get any insight on where he might sign this offseason? Fucking A, man! What kind of fucking blogger are you? Fuck being polite! Get in his grill and make him admit he's not coming back to the Red Sox so I can laugh at the fans over here! What a fucking wasted opportunity.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 9, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The Green Bay Packers

Wow. Way to kill the dream of a 2nd straight season with an 0-16 team, assholes. That was fucking pathetic. Rookie head coach who doesn't seem to know what the fuck he's doing starts his 3rd different starting QB of the season (who happens to be a rookie making his first career start) and you get blown the fuck out? Weren't you people supposed to contending for the NFC North, if not the Super Bowl? What happened?

On the other hand, you guys probably took out a nice chunk of the people remaining in my suicide poo---wait, NO ONE picked the Packers? What the fuck? Well then double fuck you, Green Bay! Worthless pieces of shit.

Also, I found out today that our own BamaDawg is a Packers fan. Wait just one god-damn second. A Packers fan AND a Yankees fan? Holy fucking frontrunner, Batman! You're not a Lakers fan, are you dude? Holy shit.

2. Brett Favre

Hmmm, the Vikings had their bye week this weekend, and yet Peter King STILL managed to shoehorn this fucker into his MMQB column like 47 times. He's like herpes. Even if there's not an outbreak, he can still be transmitted!

3. The Dolphins fan sitting in my section on Sunday

This fucking guy, god, what a fucking asshole. Let's say you're a Dolphins fan and you've got a ticket to watch them take on the Pats at Gillette Stadium. And let's say that you decide to support your team by wearing your bright orange, authentic Chad Pennington jersey (more on that in a second). Now, if you had an IQ above 65, you'd probably expect to be heckled a little bit, right? Just a little, right?

Well, not this guy. After Ricky Williams scored to tie the game at 10 apiece, this guy and his buddy stood up and cheered, as is their obvious right to do. A couple guys sitting in the row behind me threw a few good natured taunts their way. I swear to god, it was good natured. This wasn't your stereotypical Boston-area taunt, filled with obscenities and vulgarities that would send any parent with a young child sprinting for the exits. It was pretty harmless. But dickhead over there had to turn around, pretend to be tough, curse a couple times even though there were kids in the area, and generally make an ass of himself. God, what a touchy little douchebag.

Every year I go to at least one Indians-Sox game, and I ALWAYS wear my obnoxious t-shirt that has a ginormous (suck it, BamaDawg!) Chief Wahoo on it. And every year, I get heckled like crazy. I even had a chick intentionally spill her beer on me (fucking cunt) at a bar after an Indians win. But that's all part of the fun. If I responded like this prick did, it would ruin everything. And that just won't do.

As for the Pennington jersey...yikes. First of all, this thing was authentic from the Pro Shop. It wasn't some defective version from Korea that you can find on Craigslist or Ebay for like 80 bucks. This sucker was at least $250. Really? For Chad Pennington. Pennington joined the Dolphins last year after being dropped from the Jets after they sold their souls for Brett Favre. Did this guy really think it was a good idea to spend money on an aging QB with a noodle arm who had never won anything in his life and had just joined the team? Is the situation that fucking bad in Miami? Well, I guess it kinda is, but still. Get Ronnie Brown or something. A fucking Pennington jersey. I still can't stop laughing about it.

4. The Boston Celtics

How dare you lose a game! How dare you!

Friday night my wife got a craving for Fuddrucker's. Fine by me! We picked up her 16-year old brother and his girlfriend because they wanted to come to and off we went. Normally when I go to Fuddrucker's, I get the half-pound original with bacon, avocadoes and cheddar cheese. But on Friday, all I'd eaten all day was a bowl of cereal and a bagel, so I was fucking STARVING. I started thinking, hmmm, I've never attempted the one pound burger. I wonder if I could finish it? I bet I can. "Hi, I'll take the one pound original with bacon, avocado and cheddar cheese, please." The cashier turned around and yelled "One pounder!" into the kitchen. Wait, he didn't do that for the other sizes. Shit. Now lemme tell you, this was a fucking GINORMOUS (one more and BamaDawg's head will explode. It's like saying Beatlejuice three times!) piece of meat. To really add to the task, I added tomatoes, pickles, onions and jalepenos.

And you know what? I ate the whole motherfucking thing. And it was delicious. But then, about halfway home, I reeeaaally didn't feel so hot. One of three things was going to happen, and soon: I needed to lie down, I needed to puke, or I needed to shit. Something had to give. I tried burping to get rid of some air in my stomach, but sadly, there was none. All meat. I started sweating like crazy and told Wifey that I needed to be dropped off before she took her brother home. What did Wifey do? Laughed her fucking ass off. Laughed, and laughed, and then laughed some fucking more. Thanks for the support, lady. Anyway, I made it home without soiling myself or puking on the steering wheel and then spent the rest of the night either lying on the couch or sitting on the toilet. And to make matters worse, I had to watch the Celtics' 82-0 season go down the figurative shitter. But I never puked! And it's a good thing, too, cuz then the one pounder wouldn't have counted and I would have had to try it again.

5. BoozeRob
You mean now I have manually count the number times I say "fuck" in each post and calculate my FPP? Well fuck you fucking fuck! How much free time do you think I have??

6. Anyone complaining about the profanity on this site

Fuck you.

/starts counting

Mmmmm That's Good Schadenfreude

Holy motherfucking tits what a great day of college football!

First, those little fucksticks from Iowa finally used up their ninth life and couldn't come back for the 100th fucking week in a row. And Boise State gladly moves up a spot in the BCS. Thanks, Northwestern!

Then, Oregon waltzes into Stanford, still drunk from celebrating the shitbeating of USC last week and promptly shits all over the field. And Boise State gladly listens to the silence as all the fucking douchebag pieces of shit like Dan Shanoff shut the fuck up about how Oregon should have been ranked higher than BSU, regardless of the head to head result. Seriously, this is a sport where the media constantly criticizes the system, and rightly so, because championships are decided by the voters, and not on actual game results, and yet here is a situation where two teams actually played each other and they are just completely discounting the results. No wonder college football is so fucked. The dickheads running the show are incompetent, and the media is even fucking worse. Fuck.

And finally, Notre Dame loses to Navy. At home. Thank. Fucking. God. If those Irish pricks had weaseled their way into a BCS bowl only to crushed for the millionth time it would have been absolutely outrageous. Fuck Notre Dame.

(By the way, I did a google image search for "nelson haha" to get that picture. An entire page of different variations came up. Except for one picture, that was just three naked dudes in various states of arousal. So, thanks for that, google. Jerks.)

Eff You, C.C.

So C.C. Sabathia went out last night and threw another ho-hum gem of a fucking game. Well la-di-fucking-da. That big, fat, GINORMOUS (FUCK YOU BAMADAWG!) piece of fuck can drown in a pool of shit as far as I'm concerned. Oh, now that you're on the fucking Yankees you can suddenly pitch in the postseason? Fuck you! It might have helped a little bit in the 2007 ALCS if you hadn't dropped two steaming piles of elephant shit on the mound. Were you really that scared of Josh Beckett? I bet if I had slopped some BBQ sauce on that stupid Texan hick you wouldn't have shit your pants in fear, huh? Fuck you, Sabathia!

God I can't wait to call BamaDawg the second after the next Yankees loss. Cocksucker.

How not to play prevent defense

Courtesy of my Washington Huskies. Fuck.