NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

NFL Quick Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

So I was having a pretty good morning today...I woke up after a good night's sleep feeling refreshed and excited that it's Thursday and that the week has gone by pretty quickly. But then I walked outside to head to work and there it was...



Mother. FUCKER! Now I'm fucking enraged. I went back inside to grab my camera, write the fuckers a note, and inform Wifey of this horseshit. She laughed at how pissed I was and then wondered "Maybe it's just someone dropping something off real quick..." WRONG, Woman! There's condensation all over that fucking piece of shit car. It's been there all fucking night. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, I'm temped to take the 9.5 points and take the Browns because the Steelers kinda blow lately and the weather in Cleveland is supposed to be miserable tonight but fuck it. If the Steelers can't cover the spread it just gives me another reason to hate those fucks.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 11

Well, last night's pick sucked fucking donkey balls. Apparently Ricky Williams is better than I thought. It's amazing what can happen when you stop toking up every fucking day. I should have known. Carolina has been fucking me all season with my picks. They are a huge pain in the ass. Whatever.

Remember a few weeks ago when I bitched about the old people in my apartment complex? Of course you don't. But the point is, I did bitch about it. And those old fuckers have done nothing since then to change my opinion. Fuck them. Why am I rehashing this? Well I got home from work today and came upon this:


Mother. Fucker. I know you can't really tell from the photo, but that car is parked directly in front of the stairs. And that is NOT A FUCKING PARKING SPOT! It's not enough for you to park like an asshole in a regular spot? Now you have to park in a no parking space AND fucking park diagonally? Well fuck you, whoever you are. I fucking hate you.

On to the picks...home team in CAPS

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland
What a fucking suckfest. I have no idea who is going to win this game but I can't fathom taking a franchise that I just nominated for Dorn of the Week. Also, fuck Eric Mangini right in his Mangina.

JACKSONVILLE (-8.5) over Buffalo
So long, Dick Jauron! I'll miss Skeletor and his complete and utter indifference on the sidelines. Anyway, the Jags are finally getting their shit together so this should be a nice blowout. I just really don't get the feeling that this Bills team is going to rally around a new coach.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco
The Packers look to be back on track after blanking Romo and the Cowboys on Sunday. And the Niners still suck. The only reason they got a win last week is because Jay Cutler is an overrated piece ofr shit. At least it shut Gregg Easterbrook up. Fucking douche.

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY
Losing Troy Palamalu hurts, but the Steelers are still going to rape the shit out of the Chiefs.

Washington (+11.5) over DALLAS
Dallas is winning this game. Washington is better than people think, though. Ladell Betts will do just fine replacing Portis.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta
Wow, Matty Ryan is falling apart like crazy, huh? Matty Ice my ass. The G-Men better win this game or Coughlin's head is going to fucking explode.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY
God the Saints have an easy schedule. Get ready for a loss next week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-0.5) over Indianapolis
Fuck Peyton Manning and fuck the Colts.

MINNESOTA (-11.5) over Seattle
God the Vikings have an easy schedule. And clearly I don't give a shit about most of this week's games so I'm mailing this post in.

Arizona (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
BO-RING

San Diego (-2.5) over DENVER
Other websites actually have Denver favored in this game. That's free fucking money, poeple.

OAKLAND (+9.5) over Cincinnati
I just have a feeling that Cincy struggles in this one.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over New York Jets
This is going to be a fucking slaughter. The Pats are going to be fired up to make up for last week's choke job. The Jets are terrible and their head coach is a fucking crybaby. Fuck the Jets.

CHICAGO (+3.5) over Philadelphia
This is a stupid pick and I know it. Fuck.

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON
I think Houston wins this game, but it's gonna be by a field goal. What a shitty Monday night game.

Why the hell is there candy in front of my door?

This is what I came home to today. What the fuck is that?? Why is there a bag of shitty candy corn at the foot of my doorway? Holy shit if this is the apartment complex's way of telling me that we're opening the doors to trick or treaters this year I'm going to fucking lose my mind.

/hustles down the hall to check other doors. No candy.
//heads up to 3rd floor to do the same. No candy.

I shit you not, I stood there staring at this stupid bag of candy corn for a solid 5 minutes. Did I piss off the old people somehow? Is this like an IED or something? Is it poisoned? Is this some kind of sick joke since candy corn is the worst fucking candy ever? I'm telling you, I was fucking flummoxed.

After carefully examining the situation like I was on the fucking bomb squad I finally decided it was probably just a gift from our neighbor across the hall, the one senior citizen I like in this place. Jesus, Al, next time leave a note to tell me everything's ok like you did when you left the pears earlier this year (not that we ate those either, but still). I'm fucking terrified of the wrath of the other old people in this fucking place. Those old fucks on death's doorstep have nothing to lose!

And there's no way in mother fucking hell I'm eating this candy corn.

Wifey's take: Oh that's so sweet of Al to leave us that! I love him!

Wifey, you are way too trusting of the elderly.