Monday Morning Eff You: Another Late Edition!

Alright, it's time for another Tuesday edition of MMFU, thanks to the awesomeness of the three day weekend provided by President's Day! Oh, did you not have Monday off? Fucking sucker.

1. The Olympic Fire Cauldron
Was there any doubt that the Canadians would find a way to fuck up the Opening Ceremonies? I mean, ANY doubt? Of course not. I'm just pissed that I sat through almost the entire telecast and then decided to go to bed before witnessing this absolute debacle. The funniest part about the whole thing is that it was Wayne Gretzky who didn't get to light his part of the flame. I mean, really? Kick Steve Nash or one of those other jerks out if you have to but you can't seriously tell me that it was the Great One who got the shaft here. Fucking priceless.

2. NBC
Forget the commercial-ridden coverage, the fucking moronic tape delay nonsense, the glossing over of the luger's death, the predictable "heart-warming" fluff stories and everything else, what really pissed me off was on Saturday when NBC had a segment pointing out the other mishaps in recent Opening Ceremonies. Look, assholes, they fucked up the MOST important part of the whole show! Lighting the torch is the culmination of the whole night and Canada fucked up. Just make fun of them like everyone else and move the fuck on.

3. The Mark Show
Now, I already said that I wrote my Olympic post before seeing Bill Simmons' repost on ESPN, but that doesn't excuse me from making pretty much every joke that he had already made. EIGHT years ago. I don't claim to be any sort of comedic genius but god damn that was some hackey shit. Made me feel dirty. Not dirty enough to take the post down or anything, but still, dirty all the same. Whatever.

4. Everyone except me who was just driving on Route 128 South
Jesus fuck, assholes. It's just a little snow! It's not even accumulating on the roads and yet you fuckers slow down to 10 miles an hour and clog everything up. Fucking jerks. I'm in a god damn hurry to get home and sit on the couch all night. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!

5. The Slam Dunk Contest
Ok, so I didn't watch it and I haven't seen a single highlight but from everything I've heard and read this was the worst dunk contest of all time. They need to up the stakes and get some marquee names in there or it's only going to get worse as we go forward. 10 years ago (holy SHIT I am old) we had pretty much reached this same abyss where the dunk contests were fucking terrible and then Vince Carter came along and resurrected everything. Well, we're at that point again and the only way this event is going to be saved is if Lebron is in it next year. What the fuck is your problem, Lebron? Get in there and fucking wow us! Asshole.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: The Cleveland Browns

So, everyone knows that the Browns are fucking pathetic, but I didn't realize that they were THIS pathetic. Jesus Christ almighty, they are actually responding to Lebron James' ridiculously stating that he would like to play football?? From ESPN:

"I think he should come on down," Mangini said.

The NBA superstar, who was an all-state wide receiver in high school, said Tuesday night that if he put the time and commitment into it, he could be a good football player.

"If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good," he said Tuesday night, "no matter what team I was on."

Mangini agreed, calling James "a freak athletically," and said the 6-foot-8, 250-pounder could be dangerous at tight end, wide receiver or even outside linebacker.

Hey, dumbfuck! Maybe instead of entertaining the absolute pipe dream of Lebron coming to the NFL, maybe you should concentrate on getting your team to be something other than an absolute fucking disgrace. Fucking hell. A week ago the GM that YOU handpicked was canned and then on Monday night you were fucking humiliated on national television. AND you hurt your best player, Joshua Cribbs, by attempting a completely pointless hook and lateral play on the last play of the game even though a score meant absolutely nothing. Nice job, fuckface.

And then there's Brady Quinn...

Quarterback Brady Quinn also heard about James' football fetish. He would love to have a target like James to throw to in the red zone.

"That'd be great," Quinn said. "Tell him to suit up and let us know, we'll get him working. Obviously he's an incredibly talented athlete. If he wants to try to play a little bit now, we'd be more than willing to pick him up."

Are you shitting me? Why the fuck are they treating this as if it has any fucking chance of actually happening? And if it did somehow happen, there's no way in hell that a shitty QB like Brady Quinn would be able to take advantage of it. That guy fucking sucks and everyone but Charlie Weis knows it.

So here's your latest Dorn of the Week nominee; an embarrassment of a franchise that needs to blow everything the fuck up and start from scratch. Fucking assholes.