God Damn You A-Rod

Look, I'm no A-Rod fan. It pisses me off that he fled from Seattle to take that mondo contract from the Rangers even though the team was fucking terrible and he had no chance to win a World Series there. I rejoiced as the Mariners won a record-tying 116 games the following year while Texas never even sniffed the playoffs. They may have even finished in last place in their division but I'm far too lazy to look it up. Then came the whole ridiculous Red Sox trade rumors followed by the inevitable trade to the Yankees. Then came the whole "A-Rod can't perform in the clutch" stuff that was partly true, but also unfair. When comparing his playoff stats with Jeter's, before this year, they were actually remarkably similar. Again, I'm too lazy to actually look them up and post them here but I DID read about it somewhere else! So when Rodriguez went on his tear starting in the Division series and then the ALCS I was actually happy for him, despite the fact that I just can't root for the Yankees. I'm telling you, my mind is all kinds of fucked up this postseason. I'm rooting against the Yankees but I'm rooting for A-Rod. I'm rooting against C.C. but I'm rooting for Cliff, even though C.C. meant much more to the Indians than Lee ever did. I'm all over the fucking place. So when A-Rod just came up with the bases chucked and 1 out in the third inning a few minutes ago, I ended up rooting for him to fucking destroy a Pedro pitch into the 10th fucking deck, even though that doesn't exist. And that fucker let me down by putting up a pathetic backwards K. What a fucking prick. Fuck him. And fuck the Yankees for, of course, getting a hit immediately after that to score to runs. Guh. Might as well start the fucking parade. This game is over. Congratulations BamaDawg. And also, fuck you and fuck the Yankees.

Congrats Phillies! Wait, what?

Trivia time!

What do the 2009 Philadelphia Philles and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey have in common?

Give up? Well take a look:

That's right the Phillies are World Series champs! Congrats Phillies on your back-to-back titles!

Wait, what? They didn't win? You're telling me they are in a 3-1 hole? Well fuck!

If you can't trust the Philadelphia Inquirer and Macy's who the fuck can you trust?

ESPN

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 8

Alright, Week 8! Maybe there will actually be some games that aren't won by a bazillion god damn points this week!

Home teams in CAPS

Houston (-3.5) over BUFFALO

That was a sneaky little win last week by Dick "Skeletor" Jauron, but this week Jake Delhomme isn't around to pad the defensive stats and they actually have to deal with a real offense. And fucking T.O. Either start producing for my fantasy or start acting like a complete asshole for my entertainment! Right now you're fucking me in BOTH holes!

(Wait, didn't Booze call Mark Few "Skeletor"? He did! Blasephemy, Jauron is the real Skeletor, dickwad!)

CHICAGO (-13.5) over Cleveland

I've seen teams sulk before, but those were the sulkiest bunch of sulks that ever sulked! Chin up, Cutler, this week you can tear the Browns a new asshole. Get it? Browns? Asshole? Also, be sure to fire an errant pass at that fat traitor fuck Mangini for me.

DALLAS (-9.5) over Seattle

I wanted to take the Seahawks here but with Lofa and Walter Jones hitting the IR for good this week, I'm reluctantly taking the 'Boys. Seattle will probably cruise to a win, those erratic shits.

St. Louis (+3.5) over DETROIT

Holy suckfest, Batman! It's fitting that this will be the Rams only win of the season.

INDIANAPOLIS (-12.5) over San Francisco

If Alex Smith plays this entire game I'm going to be shocked. How is this line not at least two touchdowns? I would complain about the Colts' schedule being easy but the Pats just wrapped up a two-game set with teams with a combined record of 0-12 so far.

Miami (+3.5) over New York Jets

A contest of medicore teams that love to run their stupid yappy mouths. And of course, after declaring that they were treating week 2 of the season as the Super Bowl vs. the Pats, the Jets players are now trying to make fun of the Dolphins for celebrating their win over the Jets "like they won the Super Bowl." Hey Pot! Over here! It's Kettle! I fucking loathe these two teams. I hope this ends in a tie, or a bloodbath.

BALTIMORE (-3.5) over Denver

God will somebody beat the fucking Broncos! Get stabby out there, Ray Lewis!

New York Giants (+2.5) over PHILADELPHIA

Playing a fairly sloppy game against the Skins isn't the best warmup for the G-Men. I also think that the New York and Philly are going to split the day, sports-wise, so let's get that out of the way here and let the Phillies win game 4.

(Side note: I don't hate the Yankees. I like to see them beat the Red Sox at times just to watch the Sox fans react like the world is ending. I like that they actually spend money in free agency, even if it is absurd at times. I like that I have Yankees shersey (t-shirt jersey, dummies) from little league that by some miracle still fits me and I can wear it around Boston if I'm feeling feisty. But god damn, something about the Yanks just makes me root against them when it comes to the post season. I really don't know why that is, but even as I sit there in indifference, I'm silently pulling for the Phillies. So there you, Booze and BamaDawg, fuck you! Go Phillies!)

TENNESSEE (-2.5) OVER Jacksonville

I'm taking two winless teams this week? Fuck, I must be delusional or something. And maybe I am, seeing as how I spent the entire day yesterday puking and shitting my guts out. Not good times. I'm now on a steady diet of saltines and pepto. Man, pepto sure does turn your shit black, huh? And aren't you embarrassed if you're the Jags here? The Titans are 0-6, have looked even worst than the Rams, and now here comes Vince Young and they're STILL favored? That's gotta be motivating. Or fucking demoralizing. Let's hope it's the latter.

SAN DIEGO (-16.5) over Oakland

SUICIDE PICK ALERT! After Baltimore takes out Denver, this will be a chance for the Chargers to make up a little ground in the AFC West so bring your fucking A games, people!

Minnesota (+3.5) over GREEN BAY

If the Packer fans cheer Favre, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. BOO HIM! BOO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT OF HIM! MAKE HIM CRY! LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! But on the other hand, Favre is just too much of a dickface to lose this game.

ARIZONA (-9.5) over Carolina

Think Delhomme's gonna have flashbacks when he sees those Cards helmets? It would be rad if he just flipped out and curled into the fetal position and started rocking back and forth, crying and muttering to himself like a lunatic.

NEW ORLEANS (-9.5) over Atlanta

Jesus christ did you seem them storm back against the Dolphins to not only win, but also cover the spread? That was fucking impressive. Matt Ryan may be talented (holy shit someone in the office has an Italian sub or something that smells fucking AMAZING! Fucking saltines) but he's no Drew Brees.

Greatest Franchise of All Time! Douche

I planned on doing another post about the former Indians matchup last night, but you all know my feelings about that at this point. The only thing I want to say about that is FUCK YOU to Fox for showing a graphic of both pitchers wearing their Cleveland hats and showing this year's postseason stats. Really, Fox? You fuckheads have the nerve to keep throwing Tim McCarver out there year after year and on top of that you had to torture the Cleveland fan base some more? Fuck. You. Of course, this is nothing new for Fox. This is a network that has taken joy in bullshit like this for years, most notably in 2003 when they dedicated their entire playoff theme to the respective "curses" of the Red Sox and Cubs and ended up with the worst World Series of all time when it ended being Yanks-Marlins. But anyway, on to the whole point of this post (and without discussing Chase Utley's completely ridiculous hair. Holy gel! Even Pat Riley thinks that's too much)...

Why in the name of fuck do young fans take so much "pride" in championships that took place well before they were born, or even before their parents were born? I truly do not understand this. I constantly hear Yankees fans who are around my age (29) bragging about how they root for the greatest baseball franchise of all time. Well good for you, fuckstick. I'm glad that you can take some sort of false pride in the championships that the Yankees won in the 1920s when your fucking parents hadn't even been born yet. Same goes for young Celtics fans who champion the C's because of the ridiculous run of the Bill Russell Celtics. And don't even get me started on Steelers fans. One for the thumb? How about one for the dildo you jam up your ass every night, fuckheads. Who fucking cares?

The only thing I give a shit about is championships in my lifetime that I can remember and enjoyed. If the Indians had won the World Series at any point between 1949 and 1987 (when I actually would have remembered and enjoyed it) I really wouldn't give a shit. I want them to win NOW. I want to experience the happiness and joy I felt when the Pats won their three Super Bowls or when the Celtics won two years ago. I could give a flying fuck about the past that I don't remember. Shit, the Indians, Pats, and Celtics could have won EVERY World Series, Super Bowl, and NBA Championship up until 1987 and I still wouldn't care. I want it now. And next year, and the year after that.

So all of you fucking Yankee fans (looking at you, Artie Lange) who brag about shit that happened 70 fucking years ago can all get fucked. No one but your fucking grandparents and great grandparents remembers or even cares about that shit. Fuck off.

Why I'm Rooting for the Yankees

That's right you read that correctly. I'm rooting for the Evil Empire to hammer the Phillies the way Mandingo hammers Bridget the Midget.

I want the Yankees to win the whole fucking thing.


Years of hanging out with BamaDawg have turned me into a closet Yankee fan. With the hometown Mariners being enormous piles of shit more interested in playing "Cotton Eye Joe" during the 8th inning that actually winning a fucking game, I am forced to turn to the Anti-Mariners, and that would be the Yanks. You see, the Mariners aren't exactly have nots in Major League Baseball... no they are in the 12th largest media market, owned by fucking Nintendo, and have an enormous Pacific Rim following. In fact, until this season the Mariners were ranked by Forbes as the 4th most valuable team in all of baseball. Now after years of neglect and the effective pussification of the entire organization, their value has plumeted to 13th and they own the oldest lineup of slap hitting cheesedicks in all of baseball.

If any of you are thinking, "but they have Ichiro!", Fuck off. Fuck off right now you fucking, fuck. Ichiro is a slap hitting silly nanny. I want some god damn power in my lineup like the Murderer's Row of old featuring Griffey, Edgar Martinez, Tino Martinez, A-rod, and Jay fucking Buhner.

So enter the Yankees... a team that has endless resources and is not afraid to use them. No the Yankees don't sit around with a 90 million dollar payroll hoping to maybe break .500 and finish second in the West... they break the fucking bank to win titles. Why can't I have just one team like that in this sports depressed city? Instead we have the previously mentioned Mariners, the football retarded Seahawks, the defensively inept Washington Huskies, and the lonely ghost of the Sonics.

So onto my prediction:
Yankees in 6 - MVP to CC Sabathia just to piss off TheMarkShow.

And the Yankees will hit some long balls too instead of slap hitting some singles...

Chicks (and dicks) dig the long ball.

A rebuttal from BamaDawg

BamaDawg is packing up his fucking cat (who managed to piss on him last night. Ha!) and getting the fuck out of Alabama today, so he has no internet access to reply to TheMarkShow. He instead asked that I pass along the following message to TheMarkShow:


"Burn in hell mother fucker!"


Short, but to the point.

Your move, Mark.

Eff You, C.C.

So C.C. Sabathia went out last night and threw another ho-hum gem of a fucking game. Well la-di-fucking-da. That big, fat, GINORMOUS (FUCK YOU BAMADAWG!) piece of fuck can drown in a pool of shit as far as I'm concerned. Oh, now that you're on the fucking Yankees you can suddenly pitch in the postseason? Fuck you! It might have helped a little bit in the 2007 ALCS if you hadn't dropped two steaming piles of elephant shit on the mound. Were you really that scared of Josh Beckett? I bet if I had slopped some BBQ sauce on that stupid Texan hick you wouldn't have shit your pants in fear, huh? Fuck you, Sabathia!

God I can't wait to call BamaDawg the second after the next Yankees loss. Cocksucker.

Dorn of the Week Nominee

Jerry Layne won't be the first Dorn of the Week. Let's just get that out of the way. But fuck if I'm gonna let his asshattery slide. In case you missed it, last night, in the bottom of the 10th inning of the fucking ALCS, hip hip Jorge Posada grounded into a routine double play, 4-6-3. But wait! Jerry Layne called Melky Cabrera safe because Erick Aybar failed to tag second base before completing the turn. Un-fucking-believable. This type of play happens hundreds of times throughout the course of a baseball season and the umpires ALWAYS let it slide unless the throw to 2nd base pulls the fielder away from the bag, which didn't happen here. It was a perfect toss, perfect turn, Aybar straddled the bag and fired to first. Should have been a double play. But no, Jerry Layne, apparently not satisfied with all of the shit that the umpires took during the division series, just had to be an asshole.

Here's where all the dickheads and Yankees fans (hooray redundancy!) interject. It was the correct call! He never touched the bag! Doesn't. Fucking. Matter. Even Joe Buck and Tim McCarver spoke up and killed the call. That's how you know it's fucking terrible. This wasn't a blown call. Umpires are human and god knows they can make mistakes when plays are happening at a million miles an hour. This was an umpire making a conscious decision to fuck with the game and attempt to hand the Yankees a win. What a fucking asshole.

So congratulations, Jerry Layne, you're our first Dorn of the Week nominee. You won't win, because the Angels got out of the inning and let you off the hook, but god damn that was a hell of an effort. Douche.