Monday Morning Eff You: February 1, 2010

Well, not the most exciting weekend, but we'll see what kind of hate and anger I can muster up. Let's do this!

1. The Pro Bowl
Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the fucking worst. The players don't give a shit. The fans don't give a shit. They have stupid pussy rules on defense, even worse than the pussy rules they put on defenses in real games. And this year, they moved it from Hawaii to the Super Bowl site and played it the week before the Super Bowl.

Now, I admit, I originally thought this was a good idea. You see, I WANT to like the Pro Bowl. I mean, it IS football, or at least it kind of is. And I always thought the biggest problem with having after the Super Bowl was that as soon as the SB is over, I'm fucking done. I've peaked, climaxed, blown my load, I'm just fucking done. And the thought of watching a game with practice squad intensity just didn't appeal to me at all. That's not the last image of football that I want heading into the interminable offseason.

So hey, move it to before the big game and even though it's the same shitty football, who gives a shit there's still the Super Bowl next weekend! Well, I was wrong. Although I watched more of the game than I have in god knows how long, it still fucking sucks. In fact, moving the game to before the SB took out the only good part about the Pro Bowl, all the stupid skills challenges and shit like that that you could catch on ESPN2 or NFL Network or whatever. That's some good mindless entertainment and unless I just missed it all week there was none of that.

So fuck off, NFL, and move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii and give me my skills competitions. Of course, that isn't going to happen since ratings went up big time for last night's game. Fuck.

2. The Boston Celtics
Man, talk about a shitty 3-game stretch, ending in a complete 4th quarter collapse against fucking Kobe and the Lakers yesterday. Ok, so losing to the Magic, Hawks, and Lakers isn't the worst thing in the world, but the team's play and health are concerning to say the least. The good news is that it's before the all-star break and there is plenty of time to rest guys, get them healthy, and get ready for a playoff run that will only feature one round of home court advantage. The bad news is that it's before the all-star break and we have to listen to Bill Simmons whine and cry like an entitled douchebag for another 4 months. Speaking of The Sports Guy...

3. Bill Simmons
Oh, you're ready for the 2011 lockout? Newsflash, dickhead, all it takes for you to experience a lockout is for you to stop following the team. Jesus christ I've never seen anyone whine so much about a team that is 29-16. Yes, there are concerns, but not every team is going to go wire to wire as the favorite to win the championship. Simmons always claims to be the ultimate fan, always supporting the team and whatever, but at the slightest sign of imperfection he writes everything off and uses hindsight to talk about the moves the team should have made. See: Pats should have drafted Shonne Greene. It's fucking annoying. And this is from the guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about the so-called 5-year grace period. Well the C's are in Year 2, cock.

And really? You're ready for pitchers and catchers? Because this Red Sox season is sure to be a smooth ride to an AL East title from start to finish, right? Team is stacked from top to bottom. We're talking 110 wins, EASY! It's gonna be a looooong summer reading this douchebag complain about ANOTHER team in its 5-year grace period.

4. BoozeRob
Oooooooooh, look at meeee!! I just got a 55-inch Samsung LED TV! It's so thin and sexy and the picture is amazing! Memememememeeeeeeeee! Lucky bastard.

/stares at 52-inch Samsung LCD TV with contempt

5. Target
Fuck you, Target. Your website fucking sucks and it's a pain in the balls to do baby registry stuff there. That means I actually have to go to your fucking store and zap shit that's in the store, but not on the website. How the FUCK do you not have the diaper genie online? Baby Mark Show is gonna fucking NEED that! You're fucking worthless. I'm thiiiiiis close to switching to Babies R Us. Fucks.

Speaking of Baby Mark Show, we're 3 months and 5 days from the due date. Oh wait, it's actually less than that because February isn't a real month! Ho. Ly. Shitballs.

Tuesday Thumbs Up: Celtics game, Black Friday and The Muppets

Since I need to post something happy after last night's complete and utter shitbeating, I introduce Tuesday Thumbs Up! Here are a couple things that I give a thumbs up to from the last week...

On Wednesday I went to my first C's game of the year. The game was fine, not terribly exciting, but at least it was a win. Whatever. My Thumbs Up goes to some pervy dad sitting near my section. At some point in the 4th quarter, a Celtics cheerleader left courtside and stood on the stairs next to my row. Pretty much every guy in the vicinity was ogling her, and for good reason. But pervy dad had a brilliant idea...he took his 6-year old son and had him pose for a picture with the hottie. Pretty fucking savvy if you ask me. If the wife gets pissed he can claim he was just doing it for the kid. And the kid will thank him forever once he hits puberty, cuts his young self out of the picture and uses it as material for treating himself like an amusement park. Nice work, pervy dad. You are a genius. Thumbs up to you, my man.

I've never gone shopping on Black Friday before. Battling hordes of insane people just to save a few bucks? No fucking thank you. But this year we spent Thanksgiving in Maine, minutes away from the Kittery Outlets. Fucking tons and tons of name brand stores up there. They were all opening at midnight with most stores offering 50% or more off of their entire store. Wifey came up with the brilliant idea to try to go at 2am instead of midnight to miss the crowds. And wouldn't you know, it worked out fucking perfectly. The stores were fucking ghost towns. Apparently when they opened at midnight it was a fucking zoo. We timed it perfectly, hit up a bunch of stores and saved a shitload of money on stuff we needed to buy anyway. Outfuckingstanding. And somehow I wasn't even hungover, which was a HUGE added bonus. So thumbs up to you, Wifey, and the outlets' Black Friday sales. Thanks to you, my Christmas shopping is basically done. Fuck. Yes.

And finally, this video of The Muppets performing Bohemian Rhapsody has been circulating the blogosphere for a few days and I finally got around to watching it today. It is fucking outstanding. Ginormous thumbs up to whoever created this.

(Note: Fuck the fucker who disabled embedding of the original Muppets video I posted. Fuck you buddy!)

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Glen Davis

And here we have Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Our first nominee for the week. Let's role play for one second here: I'm a 24-year old NBA player who just signed a fairly lucrative extension and it's a few days away from the season opener against the fucking Lebrons. I'll tell you I wouldn't be fucking doing...getting in a drunken fist fight with my best friend that ends up breaking my thumb, requiring fucking surgery, and missing about 6 weeks of the season. YOU STUPID FAT FUCK! Jesus christ, how hard is it to have a few drinks with your buddy and not end up throwing fucking blows! I hope the Celtics fine the shit out of you, you sniffling piece of blubber. Jesus fuck.