College Football Picks O' The Week!

Holy shit! I was 3-1 last week. Big fuck you to USC for ruining my perfect weekend. What this means is that I'm 5-3 for the year.. you could say I'm the fucking Seattle Mariners of picking college football. If you did, I would kick you squarely in the face. Don't think I could do it? Well fuck you, last night I had a dream I was in the UFC. My record? 2-0. That's right... 2 and fucking 0. I beat the first fuck with a triangle choke then I demolished the the second asshole in a fight I'm pretty sure was ripped off from Rocky V. You remember the street fight against Tommy Gunn right? Well that was me complete with Rocky's spinning trip maneuver. I'm pretty sure I even had the montage where Drago killed my BFF.






YOU TOUCH ME I SUE!

Anyway, back to my shitty football picks. Once again as always, if you gamble with my picks you deserve to fucking die.... and you owe me 50% of your winnings.

#16 Ohio State at #11 Penn State
The Battle for Terrelle Pryor's Vagina
3:30 PM ET, ABC

Line: Penn State -5

"The crowd is going to be against us, especially against me," Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor said of a showdown with Big Ten title implications.

Terrelle Pryor (pictured right in his sexy blue undies) is a genius. Who would think that the whole crowd would be against him in a road game? There might be a long list of reasons why this guy is College Football's most overrated QB, but being sharp as a tack isn't one of them. I heard if you put down a page of first grade math questions in front of Professor Terrelle, the fucker can have them done for you within a week. A fucking week! How can you compete with that?

Well the crowd has some ideas... call him Terrelle "Cry-er". Oh shit! No they didn't! This game is about to cross the line. When did it become appropriate to mock someones last name? That really fucking stings. What better way to really get back at the local boy who picked a team from Ohio over the hometown Nittany Lions.

Won't someone think of the children?

ESPN is billing this game as a Big 10 Title elimination game with the loser surely to be out of the run for the Roses. Neither team really has the dynamic offense with the ability to control the game from start to finish. That being said, look for a swarming Penn State defense fueled by a wild crowd to completely shut down Cry-er.

Penn State 31 - Fuckeyes 13

#24 Oklahoma at Nebraska
Fuck you as always Oklahoma
8:00 PM ET, ABC & ESPN Gameplan

Line: Oklahoma -6

Big game Bob Stoops travels to Lincoln to take on his good friend Bo Pelini in a battle that no one outside of the midwest gives two shits about.

Rather than analysis (Oklahoma fucking sucks.. there I'm done), I'm just going to rant. No not about how Oklahoma is full of illiterate sand bagging fucks. No I'm ranting about Nebraska. I fucking miss Nebraska. Seriously why is Nebraska messing with this pro style offense bullshit? I miss the days when Nebraska would roll out the option and dare you to stop it. So what if their QB couldn't throw the ball to save his life? They had 17 running backs and 5 fullbacks out there running 70 different ways to the endzone. That's impossible you say? Well fuck you. This is my rant. Not yours.

Both teams enter the game at 5-3 though Faglahomo holds a one game lead in the conference standings. Last year the Sooners pounded Nebraska in Norman, and I'm betting that the Big Red will be looking for some revenge.

With the Nebraska faithful cheering them on, I'm taking the Cornhuskers to squeak out the upset as Big Game Bob lays another egg.

Nebraska 28 - Asspounders 27

Washington @ UCLA
Coach Sark meets the last coach at UW to win the fucking Rose Bowl
3:30 PM ET, FSN Northwest or some stupid shit

Line: UCLA -4.5

Oh the story lines... Washington has not won at the Rose Bowl in 15 years (outside of the 2001 Rose Bowl), Slick Rick Neuheisal against his old team, UCLA QB Kevin Prince against the team he was committed to until just days before signing day, and of course Washington QB Jake Locker's sore thigh. How is a game like this not on national TV??

Oh thats righ, both teams fucking suck. Fuck.

Well either way, bowl hopes are on the line for each team here as both sit at 3-5, a mere 3 wins away from a glorious birth in a shitty bowl. Surprisingly, Washington has the edge in offense over UCLA's anemic attack. However UCLA QB Kevin Prince came alive last week in the second half throwing for over 300 yards against the the Oregon State Beavers (lol). Good news for Bruins fans is that Washington may have the worst secondary in the Pac 10 and couldn't manage a pass rush to save their fucking lives.

Washington's hopes fall on the thigh of Star QB Jake Locker. Locker suffered what was described as a deep bruise during the complete dismantling at the hands of Oregon two weeks ago. Can Jake rebound? Will he be able to run? More importantly, will he learn to throw to his own team?

I'm betting no.

UCLA 35 - Washington 24

GAME OF THE WEEK
#9 LSU @ #3 Alabama
The "I kiss my sweetie with my fist" bowl
3:30 PM ET, CBS

Line: BAMA! -9.0

Whoa nelly! This should be a good one deep in the heart of the South. Alabama Coach Nick Saban is hosting his former school in what is sure to be a battle of tough as nails defenses. The only stat you need to know for this game? Scoring defense.

Alabama - 5th
LSU - 7th

The Crimson Tide only allow 65 yards per game on the ground and have not allowed a rushing TD in the past seven games. To top it off, BAMA! is tied for the league lead in sacks. LSU on the other hand has only allowed one TD in the past 2 games. Something has to give in this match up, my bet is its LSU's D. Why? Well Bama's offense is ranked #33 in the country while LSU is a miserable #100. That is terrible. Against a D like the Tide's? Thats a fucking nightmare. I saw LSU first hand this season when they traveled to Seattle to play UW and I was not impressed with their offense. They managed only 31 points against a secondary that has been absolutely shredded in every other game this season. Good job Les Miles!

My prediction? Roll mother fucking Tide. At least I hope so for Ricky's sake.

BAMA! 17 - LSU 9


Season record: 5-3 straight up