NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 11, 2010

Oh man, what a fucking weekend. My picks fucking sucked. The Patriots fucking sucked. The Celtics fucking sucked. Pretty much everything fucking sucked. Let's get to it.

1. The New England Patriots
Look, I had no illusions that this was going to be a Super Bowl year for the Pats. None at all. The 10-6 record was kind of pathetic, considering the winnable games that they fucking blew in the second half. The team didn't really have a quality win all season. But still, Sunday's game was a fucking shocker. Holy fucking shit that was fucking embarrassing. Watching Tom Brady throw duck after fucking duck was excruciating. Maybe his finger really is broken, jesus christ I hope is finger really is broken, but that was fucking terrible. 3 picks? Fucking terrible. The fumble was Matt Light's fault. He's fucking done as left tackle for the Pats. He might still be a serviceable lineman for the team but if Sebastian Vollmer isn't starting at LT next year I'll be fucking shocked.

I just really can't believe how the team just rolled the fuck over and let the Ravens fuck them in the ass yesterday. The opposing team's QB throws 4 completions and they still win by 19? And it wasn't even that close? Jesus christ I still can't even wrap my head around that shit. Fucking fuck that sucked. Some people are saying that it was better to lose like that instead of losing a close game. Fuck that shit. Those people are fucking idiots.

The only silver lining is that the Ravens have a MUCH better chance of beating the Colts than the Jets did. Please, Baltimore, rape the shit out of Peyton Manning. Please. That's all I have left to root for, a Colts loss.

Also, I had to shave my playoff beard, which fucking sucked. I was really looking forward to torturing Wifey with it for another week.

2. Shayne Graham
When you miss 35 and 24 yard field goals in a fucking playoff game you deserve to fucking die. Maybe those absolute fucking choke job shanks wouldn't have made a difference but jesus christ, that was awful.

And now the fucking Jets are still playing while the Pats are done. Mother. Fuck. I hate a lot of teams in the NFL, but the Jets are by far my most hated team. Fuck those shitheads. Fuck Rex Ryan and his cocky fat ass. Fuck Mark Sanchez (even though his dig at Pete Carroll was fucking great). Fuck New York City in general. Fuck them all. And fuck my life. San Diego better fucking eliminate them. Fuck.

3. The refs in the Green Bay-Arizona game
Honestly, I don't really care about this because at least I got one game right with my shitty ass picks this weekend. But something has to be said about the fact that there were at least two plays I saw where Larry Fitzgerald completely plowed over a defensive player to make a catch, including a ridiculous touchdown catch, and no pass interference was called even though Randy Moss got called for a much less blatant play earlier in the day. And as much as I enjoyed the game-ending play, it probably should have been a face mask call. When they showed the replay I argued with my family-in-law that since the ball was already fumbled it didn't matter but in reality it probably should have been roughing the passer or a face mask penalty. Oh well.

4. The first three games this weekend
Bengals-Jets: Fucking BO-RING
Cowboys-Eagles: Fucking blowout filled with penalties that lasted FOUR fucking hours
Patriots-Ravens: Over in the first quarter

Fucking A. Next weekend will probably be filled with awesome games and somehow I'll get pulled away from the tv and miss some awesome shit. Fuck.

5. Pete Carroll
I'm sure Booze will have more to say about Petey in the days to come but seriously, how much of a fucking prick is Pete Carroll? After underachieving and losing to huge underdogs the past few years it's clear that Carroll isn't the savior that everyone thought he was. And now USC is about to get fucking hammered by the NCAA and lose multiple years of bowl eligibility and Petey is fleeing the scene. What a fucking shithead. I honestly do not understand why the Seahawks are handing him the job. It makes no fucking sense. He sucked with the Jets and the Pats and time after time it's been shown that successful college coaches fucking blow as NFL coaches. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Pete.

Happy New Year! And The Late Late Edition of MMFU

Hey everyone! Happy fucking New Year! Some people love New Year's Eve, others fucking hate it, I fall somewhere in the middle. House party NYEs were always my favorite. It's pretty much all people that you know and like. There's usually a few prospects for drunken hooking up and best of all, the booze is free and easy to access. Heading downtown to an "open" bar for $100+? Well you are a fucking sucker. Jesus christ there is no worse NYE experience than shit like that. You pay a fuckload of money to get in and of course the bar is at max capacity so it takes a half hour to get a drink and then some drunk meathead bumps you and spills your drink everywhere and you're back at square one. Plus it's always 1000 degrees in there. Just a giant clusterfuck all around, including trying to find a cab at the end of the night. Just terrible. But even with all of that, it's still a night out getting drunk and that's fine with me.

What I don't get are the people who actively hate NYE. Booze and I have a friend who fucking despises NYE and bitches about it every fucking year. Well, at least he used to before the three of us moved to different corners of the country. It was fucking annoying and I wanted to slap him in the balls every time he started ranting. I mean, yeah, it's not the greatest night in the world but it's an excuse to go get fucking blind drunk so what the fuck are you bitching about?

This year my night is going to be pretty god damn tame. Wifey is 22 weeks pregnant so she obviously isn't going to be involved in any wild shenanigans, and quite frankly, I'm still exhausted from hosting 18 family members at our apartment for Christmas dinner. So the plan is to go out for a nice dinner and then come home and play Band Hero and Mario Party while I pound down a couple bottles of champagne. None for you, Woman!

My apologies for the lack of posting over the last week. Hey, it's the fucking holidays and I'm fucking lazy. Plus I just got a Droid (fuck yeah!) and all of my free time is now spent downloading apps and checking twitter and shit on the Droid while my laptop sits 2 feet away fully capable of doing the exact same stuff.

Anyway, since there was no MMFU this week, let's air some grievances right here about stuff from the last week that deserves that giant middle finger. Where's my buddy?




There he is! Let's do this fucking thing.

1. The Indianapolis Colts
What a bunch of fucking pussies. Let's get this straight right now, this was not a case of resting the starters to get ready for the playoffs. This was that fucking gorilla piece of shit whiny cocksucking douchebag crybaby Bill Polian and his ventriloquist dummy Jim Caldwell completely pussing out about possibly going 16-0. If you're going to rest your players, fucking do it. Don't play your big guns past the halfway mark of the 3rd quarter and then give the game away. Fucking pathetic. "Oh shit! We're about to go 15-0! We can't have that. Better put in Curtis Painter right fucking now!"

I fucking hate Colts fans, but kudos to them for booing the shit out of the team after that decision was made. How many 14-0 teams have ever been booed in their own stadium? And kudos to everyone who called in to Bill Polian's show to bitch him out so much that he ended the show early because, like he showed on Sunday, he's a fucking coward.

Yes, you could argue that going for 19-0 put so much pressure on the Pats that it ultimately cost them the Super Bowl. But that's a ridiculously different situation than the Colts were in at this point. The Patriots were already the most hated team in the NFL going in to the 2007 season thanks to the 3 Super Bowl wins earlier in the decade. Then Spygate happened. Then all of the running up the score shit happened. Then Mercury Morris was on tv every week. Then they became the first team every to go 16-0. Then Randy Moss faced domestic violence accusations during the playoffs. Then on the day before the Super Bowl John fucking Tomase came out with the bullshit story about filming the Rams' walk through before Super Bowl 36.
Now let's take a look at what the Colts faced this year...um, nothing? Have you even heard a peep from Mercury this year? I mean if HE doesn't give a shit about the Colts going 16-0 then no one does!
Ultimately I'm super fucking happy that Polian and Caldwell made this decision because it created a shitstorm of negativity and bad karma that never would have happened had they just done the logical thing and not played any starters for the entire game against the Jets or even Buffalo.

2. ESPN
This has been discussed on every blog on the planet but I just wanted to mention how disgusting the coverage of Brett Favre was on Monday night. I think Gruden and Jaworski have Favre real dolls in the booth so they can figuratively fuck him in the ass while giving him an on air blow job for the entire game. Thank god for Adrian Petersen and his fumbly ways.

3. The three other people left in my suicide pool
Fucking LOSE! Jesus christ how the fuck does this happen? Every year I'm out by fucking week 4 and this year I make it all the way to the end and there are 3 other people with me? Bullshit! My pick this week is the Niners and if there is any certainty in life, it's that I'll make it through 16 weeks of suicide picks only to lose in the final week and miss out on the money. Fuck.

4. BoozeRob
Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything in a week but you know what? At least I'm fucking working or playing with my Droid (the phone) ( and my penis), but this fucking guy has just been sitting at home with his broken ankle for the past 3 weeks all he's managed is a half-assed DOTW post about Mike Holmgren? Fucking A, man! As Peter King would you say, you define laziness. You'd think we could get a picks column for the upcoming bowl games but that's not gonna happen. Booze is going to a wedding tonight and the odds of him getting drunk and fucking up his ankle even more have been taken off the board in Vegas.

Rebuttal from Boozerob:
Fuck you, I'm on Vacation. Bitch at BamaDawg and his 7 collective posts. Then again he is in Missouri for a wedding. Speaking of weddings, I've  been busy the last week doing wedding stuff all week for a wedding I'm going to tonight. So fuck you. And seriously, way to get a fucking smart phone FINALLY. Welcome to 2002 you red headed fuck.

5. Urban Meyer, Mike Leach and every other big name college football coach
These guys are fucking assholes. Can we stop being surprised when they do shit like quit the team for health reasons and family first bullshit and then flip flop the next day. Or when they stuff concussed kids in closets or whatever the fuck happened down in Texas. Seriously, that story is out of control and I don't know what to fucking think. But seriously, let's cut the shit with these guys. They're all jerks who are in a position of power so fuck yeah they're gonna act like jerks! I sure as fuck would!

6. Week 17 Picks
Fucking crapshoot. Every fucking year. So no picks column this week. I'll be back for the playoffs.

7. The Mark Show
I'd say this post is long enough, eh? I'm fucking tired.
I hope everyone has a great night. Just don't get so drunk that you piss in the dryer (Booze) or worse (Mark Show).

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 15

I've been using the lines from ESPN's Pigskin Pick 'Em for these posts and it's fucking annoying because while 99% of the betting world had the Colts at -3.5 last night, ESPN left the line at -6.5, costing me a win last night. Sure, I thought the Colts would still cover but still, fucking annoying.

I'm torn on whether or not I want to see the Colts, or the Saints for that matter, go for a 16-0 regular season. On one hand, I think it's fucking stupid to rest your starters unless it's absolutely necessary and having the Colts go 16-0 and then collapse in the playoffs would be fucking awesome. But what if they DO finish the job and go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl? Holy fucking shit I'm not sure I could handle that. I mean we're talking about the ultimate kick in the balls as a Patriots fan. What a fucking nightmare. Let's stop thinking about that and get on with games, shall we?

Home teams in CAPS (using ESPN's stupid lines)

NEW ORLEANS (-7.5) over Dallas
I don't get all the chatter from Dallas about how they're not going to "cow down" to the Saints on Saturday night. Well no fucking shit. Who the fuck thought they were just going to lie down and let the Saints march all over them? The Cowboys are fighting for their playoff lives AND trying to squash all this December choke talk so of course they're going to play hard. It won't fucking matter though. The Saints are too good, especially at home. And while there's some doubt about whether or not Indy is going to back off approaching the playoffs, the Saints have maintained all along that they're going balls to the wall for the entire season.

New England (-7.5) over BUFFALO
This game isn't the ideal situation for the Randy Moss redemption game that I'm hoping for. The weather is going to be complete dogshit and I'm guessing the Pats focus on the running game and ride Laurence Maroney for over 100 yards rushing. Maroney has been running hard lately, quieting the (deserved) criticism that he's taken for the majority of his career as a Patriot and I fucking love it. And if I just jinxed him, fuck me in the ear. Also, you can bet for a couple of absolute bombs to be thrown Moss's way in the first quarter. How those plays turn out will go a long way in determining the rest of the game plan for the Pats.

Arizona (-10.5) over DETROIT
Before the Monday night game I was all set to make this my suicide pick this week. What the fuck, people? Seven fucking turnovers? Jesus. I think they bounce back and beat the piss out of the Lions but that game, plus the injury to Larry Fitzgerald, scared me enough to change my suicide pick.

TENNESSEE (-3.5) over Miami
In other words, bet the house on the Dolphins. God they fucking own me.

KANSAS CITY (-2.5) over Cleveland
Is there any chance that the Browns put together two good weeks in a row? No fucking way, right? What a shitty game.

Houston (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
Suicide pick alert! If the Texans can't beat a Rams team that a) fucking sucks, and 2) had to cancel practice because of a swine flu outbreak then I'm going to fly to Houston and jam a merciless pepper of Quetzlzacatenango in Matt Schaub's eye.

Atlanta (+6.5) over NEW YORK JETS
When I originally made this pick I thought the game was in Atlanta. Not sure why. Whatever, I just like picking against the Jets.

PHILADELPHIA (-7.5) over San Francisco
This one makes me nervous. After winning that thriller against the Giants this seems like the type of game that Eagles fans get all excited for only to get sucker punched and left for dead. But even so, a win here pretty much locks up the NFC East for Philly and I think they'll get it done handily. DeSean Jackson is a fucking animal.

BALTIMORE (-10.5) over Chicago
The Ravens are still alive for a wild card spot in the AFC so they're going to come out guns blazing. And on the other side of the ball, Cutler fucking sucks. At least 3 picks, right?

SAN DIEGO (-6.5) over Cincinnati
Let's just leave it at that in the aftermath of the Chris Henry death.

Oakland (+13.5) over DENVER
The Raiders are kind of a pain in the ass now that JaMarcus has been benched for good. This line seems pretty high for a team that peaked in Week 6.

PITTSBURGH (-0.5) over Green Bay
The Steelers can't lose 6 in a row, can they? Right? Anyone? Bueller?

Tampa Bay (+7.5) over SEATTLE
The Seahawks should not be giving ANYONE more than a touchdown. Not even the 1-win Bucs. Sorry Booze, but your team blows. Although if you take enough Vicodin I'm sure you'll enjoy the game anyway.

Minnesota (-7.5) over CAROLINA
Man I can't wait for the Vikings to win this game and then have Carolina talk shit about Adrian Peterson or Percy Harvin. Oh you took Randy Moss out of the game? Congratulations fucksticks, because while you had 3 guys covering Moss, Wes Welker dominated the shit out of the rest of the team. But seriously, congrats on the Moss thing. Maybe next time you'll try to actually fucking win the game.

New York Giants (-3.5) over WASHINGTON
I'm sticking with my original pick here even though Vinny Cerrato's resignation might push the Skins to a victory here.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 16, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. That Fucking Game Last Night
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That fucking sucked. I seriously considered waiting until tomorrow to do MMFU since I'm exhuasted, but fuck it, let's get it out of the way. Fuck that game. Fuck Peyton Manning. Fuck Reggie Wayne and his impossibly good hands. Fuck the dipshits running the RCA Dome who tried to burn the fucking house down. Fuck the Pats' D for letting up in the 4th quarter and allowing the 79-yard TD drive that apparently put the fear of God into Belichick. And fuck not being able to get 2 fucking yards at the most critical juncture of the game. Fuck.

Bill Belichick is getting skewered all over the place for the decision to go for it on 4th down at the end of the game. Most of it is fair, but let's cut the shit with the people calling it one of the worst decisions in the history of football and/or sports, shall we? Was it a great or even good call? Absolutely not. But a big reason for that judgement is because of the result. If Faulk doesn't juggle the ball and comes up with the first down, the same people ripping BB to shreds this morning are singing his praises. I also have a feeling that Brady had something to do with talking Belichick into going for it, so maybe Tom should be taking some of the heat as well. I don't know.

What I do know is that the Patriots showed me enough to know that if/when they're back in Indy for the playoffs, they have a good enough team to put themselves in position to win. And that's all you can really ask for as a fan.

Fucking Colts.

2. The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons
I'm a big fan of Bill Simmons, to the point where you could even call me a Simmons Apologist at times, but I was so fucking annoyed with this segment in his picks column on Friday that I immediately knew I'd be writing about him this morning. Let's take a look:

"Our first one: I wrote a chunk of this column at a local Starbucks. One seat
over from me, some dude in his 40s was listening to music on his headphones,
playing online Scrabble and occasionally talking loud calls on his cell phone.
How much do you have to hate your own apartment, house, wife or girlfriend that
you say, "I can't stand it here anymore, I'm going to Starbucks to play online
Scrabble?" Last week, someone brought work to the same Starbucks, then proceeded to sing and hum to the songs they were playing despite everyone else glaring at
her. Of course, that didn't top what happened to me nearly two years ago, when some crazy dude grabbed a New York Times from the newspaper rack, brought it into the unisex bathroom, proceeded to drop anchor for the next 15 minutes, then emerged from the bathroom holding the newspaper like Dad coming out of the john on a Saturday morning.

Now, in a perfect world, people would only go to a coffeehouse to eat, drink, write,
read, study or converse. You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house. You can't make loud phone calls and sing along to music. You can't sit in a comfy chair not drinking, not eating and not doing anything other than staring at everyone else. But since people can't seem to get the hang of this, here's my suggestion: Every coffee place should designate one employee (a barista, waitress, pastry chef or whomever) as a de facto bouncer. It becomes their job to jettison loiterers, loud talkers, losers, weirdos and everyone else. Maybe they could even wear different uniforms. We could call them "coolers." This would work. Until then, I will remain peeved."

Ok, so those are a couple annoying situations, and the taking the paper into the shitter thing is pretty brutal, but what pisses me off is the statement, "You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house." Oh really, you fucking asshole? Isn't that EXACTLY what you're doing? Guess what, fuckface, if you don't want to be bothered by people talking in a public place, STAY THE FUCK HOME. How much do YOU have to hate YOUR own house, wife and kids to have to sit in a Starbucks and write a column bitching about other people in Starbucks? Go back to your fucking office man-cave with 4 tvs and everything else that you love bringing up all the fucking time. What a fucking pretentious prick.

3. The Boston Celtics

Hey assholes! Stop fucking losing games on Friday fucking night! Jesus christ is it too much for me to ask to see a win to start my weekend? And if you're gonna be complete dickwads and lose on Friday, at least have the common fucking decency to win your next game! Fucking christ.

4. Brett Favre

You can just feel it in the air, can't you? The second-half collapse is coming any day now. There's only so many times that Adrian Peterson can bail Favre's old ass out (and against the Lions of all teams) before Favre completely fucks the Vikings and their fans right in the face.

5. BoozeRob

You were at a wedding with Jason Bay in attendance and you didn't get any insight on where he might sign this offseason? Fucking A, man! What kind of fucking blogger are you? Fuck being polite! Get in his grill and make him admit he's not coming back to the Red Sox so I can laugh at the fans over here! What a fucking wasted opportunity.