Monday Morning Eff You: December 21, 2009

Hey, it's our 100th post! Didn't think we'd get this far, did you? Well then fuck you!

1. BamaDawg
Oh, you wanted the Celtics to lose on Friday night AND were waiting for my Dolphins pick so you could bet the other way? Well fuck you for both of those things coming true. Honestly I didn't even know the C's were playing because I was too busy getting drunk at a holiday party by slamming eggnog mixed with bourbon, whiskey and brandy, so whatever. But still, fuck off.

2. Dan Dierdorf
At some point during the Patriots' lackluster win at Buffalo, this fat fuck declared that this season was one of Bill Belichick's best coaching jobs. That, quite frankly, is a fucking ridiculous statement. We all know NFL announcers say all sorts of stupid shit from week to week but jesus that was stupid. And it only served to remind me that there is nothing about the way the Pats are playing right now that indicates they will make a solid run in the playoffs. Fuck.

3. Bill Simmons
From the Sports Guy's twitter feed:

sportsguy33: Beautiful weather in SoCal today!!! Sunny & 76 degrees. What's it doing back East? (Listening.) Oh. Wow. This is awkward.

What a fucking douchebag. Listen, fuckface, just because you're a fucking pussy now (although you very well could have always been a pussy) and live in LA doesn't mean those of us on the East Coast are afraid of a little snow. I took 20 minutes to wipe off my car and shovel away the snow around the car and then I went back inside. Oh the fucking horror! Fuck off.

4. Brett Favre
After a one-week hiatus, the king of fucksticks is back! Oh, you didn't want to come out of the game yesterday? Well fuck you, asshole! Brad Childress is a shitty fucking coach, no one is arguing that, but when your old ass is getting buttfucked by Julius Peppers every other play, maybe Childress has a point when he wants to take you out of a somewhat meaningless game. You realize you're 40 fucking years old, right? And that even from the start of the year you were saying you didn't know if you could play a full season? Well then take a fucking seat when your coach thinks it might help the team in the long run you selfish fuck. You sure did a lot of good by staying in the game, leading the offense to zero points. Fucker.

5. The Kansas City Chiefs
Holy fucking shit! You let Jerome Harrison rush for 286 yards and break Jim Brown's team record for rushing yards in a game? That's a fucking disgrace. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Jerome Harrison?? Who the fuck is that?

Monday Morning Eff You: December 7, 2009

1. The BCS

Holy fuck it's been like 14 hours and I still can't believe that the cocksuckers in charge put Boise State and TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. You mother fuckers. What good does that do? Oh yippee we get to find out who's the best non-BCS conference team! Whoop-di-fucking-do. Wouldn't it have made way more sense to put TCU up against Florida and have Cincinnati play Boise State? Fuck yes it would have, so of course the BCS people fucked it up. Fuckheads. If you're so tired of listening to the TCUs and BSUs of the little conferences whining about deserving a shot with the big boys, let them have it and see what happens! Let them get slapped around and beaten into submission if you're so sure that's what the outcome would be. It would at least shut them up for a little while. But no, you're a bunch of fucking pussies, afraid that maybe, just maybe, the underdogs can compete with the powerhouses. But now we'll never know. Assfucks.

2. The New England Patriots

Jesus christ you guys fucking let me down yesterday. You rendered my whole rant on Simmons completely fucking useless. Fucking pathetic. Miami is NOT a good football team. I don't know what lies ahead for this Patriots team but my confidence in them is the lowest it's been in fucking years. Fuck.

3. Mother Nature

So after all the perfect, sunny weekends so far this "winter" you decide to throw a snow and ice storm on us the weekend I'm getting my Christmas tree? Fuck you! Now I've got a tree with ice all over it, just dripping on the fucking carpet while I crank the heat in the apartment to speed up the drying process. Pain in the fucking ass. Plus I got soaked hauling that fucker up the stairs.

4. Brett Favre

You're supposed to keep winning so that the Saints are forced to go for the undefeated season, you fucking jerk!

5. The mother fucker who starts his Harley at 4am

Asshole, there's snow and ice all over the fucking place. It is not motorcycle conditions! And do you really have to let the loud fucking monster idle for 20 minutes when I'm trying to sleep? Fucking dickhead. Just because the deaf old people can't hear that shit doesn't mean the same for me! Fuck. Off.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 30, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The authors of this site
Oh it's a holiday weekend so it's just too much fucking trouble to post a thing or two? Well, fuck us right in the asshole. I had every intention to do a picks post plus a couple of other things but every time I thought of stuff to write I was nowhere near a computer. And by the time I got home I was always too fucking lazy to actually type. So our apologies if you were actually looking for content from us this weekend. We're obviously fuckheads. And if you were actually looking for content from us? Well that says something about your life. I don't know what it says, but it definitely says something.

2. The NFL schedule makers
Pretty much all of the games sucked this week, but the Thanksgiving games were fucking atrocious. For the past few seasons there has been talk about taking the Thanksgiving game away from Detroit. I don't agree with that. The problem isn't that the Lions are playing, the problem is WHO the Lions are playing. If the fucking schedule makers would stop putting them in a matchup that is obviously going to result in a fucking blowout, things wouldn't be this bad. Sure, we might still get a boring game, but at least there would be a chance of a close game. Same with sending Oakland to Dallas. Really, fuckwads? How could anyone possible think that putting Oakland on national television could be a good idea? Fucking dipshits.

3. Pete Carroll
BoozeRob offered his opinion on this earlier, and while I agree that it was fucking stupid for Slick Rick to call that timeout, Carroll can't be let off the hook either. This is the fucking crybaby asshole who whined and complained to fucking everyone about Stanford running up the score a few weeks ago. You can't cry like a little bitch when Stanford, of all teams, is ruining your shit and then come back a few weeks later and pull the same type of crap. Only a fucking douchebag would do something like that. So fuck you, Petey. Fucking douchebag.

4. Brett Favre
Motherfucker played brilliantly yesterday. Knock that shit off, Favre. It makes it harder to hate your guts.

5. Serena Williams
AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that, you fat bitch! Fuck you! God I fucking hate that woman. Sure, 82 grand is chump change for her but I don't fucking care. Randomly seeing that in the ESPN headlines just now just fucking made my night. You should see the fucking shit-eating grin on my face. Awesome.

Monday Moring Eff You: October 26, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction. Let's get this fucker underway, in no particular order:

1. The BCS Rankings
Now, I have no problem with TCU jumping over Boise State in the rankings. Sure, it pisses me off, but I saw that shit coming. What I can't fucking see is how in the fuck, Iowa could jump to #4 after needing every goddamn second in the game to pull a win out of their asses at Michigan State. How the fuck are they ranked ahead of TCU, nevermind Boise State and Cincinatti. Complete and utter bullshit. And I guess the computers actually COULD hear Pete Carroll crying like a little bitch after last week's rankings since USC somehow jumped up 2 spots as well after beating unranked Oregon State at home. By 6 lousy fucking points. Get fucked, Pete Carroll, you and the BCS rankings can just fuck right off.

2. Mark Shapiro
Surprise! I'm saying Fuck You to Mark Shapiro! I, for one, am not fucking ready for the Manny Acta Era in Cleveland. I am depressed as all hell and the god damn playoffs aren't even over yet. 2010 is going to be a motherfucking abortion of a season for the Indians, and that's saying something, considering these last two years. And of course, with the Yankees finally finishing off the Angels last night (fuck you too, rain delay!) we are now set for the Game 1 matchup of Cliff Lee vs. C.C. Sabathia. Fuck my fucking life.

3. Brett Favre
He'll be here every week. Fucking asshole. But holy sweet jesus was that fun watching him puke the game away yesterday. Adrian Peterson destroys William Gay's shit, heads to the sideline for a breather and to revel in his awesomeness and all of a sudden...FUMMMMBBBBLLLLE! And they're off to the races. That was delicious. The subsequent pick 6 followed by a game ending sack were just icing and the cherry on top. Fuck you right in the ear, Brett Favre.

4. The NFL slate of games
Well, that was one boring, piece of shit Sunday, huh? Blowout city all over the god damn place. Would it kill some of you shitty teams to actually make things interesting for once? It would? Well fuck you then.

5. The asshole old people who live in my apartment building
The majority of the tenants in my apartment complex are senior citizens and some of them are complete dickheads. There are three different cars that refuse to use just one parking space and consistently park diagonally across two spaces. This drives me fucking insane. And it's always GOOD spaces that are getting wasted. Also, in the basement, there is a little area with a bunch of shopping carts near the elevators. This comes in handy because instead of making 52 trips back and forth to the car after a shopping trip we can just load everything into a cart and take the elevator. There's a HUGE fucking sign instructing people to return the carts when they are done with them. But do they? These lazy old fucks? Of course not. And this weekend, after going shopping, there were NO carts and I was fucking enraged. I went storming up the stairs, checking each floor for carts, finally found one on the fifth floor and made as much noise as possible banging the cart around the hall to get it back to the elevator. I hope it ruined some game of Mah Jong or something. Then, after getting my groceries and heading back inside, some crotchety old fuck gave me the evil eye and hissed "You know you need to bring that back after you're done, right?" That fucking prick is lucky I didn't go straight to ramming speed and destroy his brittle hips. What a dick.

Next week I'll actually try to get this up in the morning, fuckers.