NFL Picks O' The Week: Jets-Pats Week

Alright, before we even get started I need to address Tom Brady's comments from earlier in the week. Brady said that the Jets crowd was more hostile and then said that he saw people leaving on Sunday when the Pats were up by 21 in the middle of the 4th quarter. He also said that he didn't think Jets fans would be leaving early.

This ignited a fucking firestorm on the sports talk radio scene around here about Gillette being one of the quietest, if not the quietest, stadiums in the NFL. And that's true. There's no getting around it. The Pats have jack shit for home field advantage as far as crowd noise goes. Now, a part of me says "so what?" because their record home is awesome so are really blaming those few losses at home on the crowd? But the majority of me knows that it sucks that the crowd at Pats games really isn't up to creating a real advantage with a noise level that will distract the other team.

But the real question is, should Brady really be upset that fans were leaving once the team went up by THREE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS halfway through the 4th quarter. And to that, I say shut your fucking mouth, Tom, and cut your fucking hair. Who is he to say when people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets should leave the game? It's not like people were trying to beat traffic during a close game, like, um, the fucking JETS FANS who were leaving early even though it was a 10-9 game? Does Brady really need his ego stroked so much that he needs everyone to stay until the final whistle? What about the Tennessee game last year when Brian Hoyer came in because the Pats were up 50,000-0? Do the fans have to stay then? If Brady can leave early, why can't the fans who pay Brady's salary?

For the record, I was there on Sunday and my group didn't leave until about 3 minutes left in the game, after the Bengals had "cut it" it to 38-24.

Also for the record, I love Tom Brady and would have his babies, but if he wants to call out the crowd for not making enough noise, just say so. Don't beat around the bush.

And finally, a friend of mine who is a Bills fan (poor guy) had this theory last night while we were waiting for The Town (it was awesome) to start: Belichick and Brady are so smart that they decided that Brady would make these comments to take the media fire away from the Randy Moss press conference following Sunday's win.

Brilliant. I have no idea if that's the case, but the fact is that Brady's comments did knock Moss out of the media spotlight. And that's fantastic. I'm not worried about Moss AT ALL, but having to listen to a jackass like Felger spout his bullshit about how Moss is a cancer all week would have been fucking awful.

Ok, let's get to some fucking picks!

Home team in CAPS using ESPN lines...

ATLANTA (-6.5) over Arizona

I'm not really confident in Atlanta in general but at home, against fucking Derek Anderson, they should get a pretty solid win. After all, they actually do have a home field advantage.

CINCINNATI (+1.5) over Baltimore

Coming off a short week, the Ravens actually face a passing game that can expose their shitty secondary. Playing a Monday night road game followed by a division road game is never easy. I think the Ravens are solid but I also think Cincy is going to rebound from that pathetic display they put on at The Razor last Sunday.

Kansas City (+1.5) over CLEVELAND

how the fuck are the Browns favored in this game? I mean, yeah the win on Monday night was kinda fluky for the Chiefs but still, jesus.

Chicago (+8.5) over DALLAS

Anything less than 7 points and I would've taken Dallas here but jesus did you see that pathetic performance against Washington? Wow. Meanwhile, Chicago would have lost to Detroit if it weren't for Calvin Johnson being a dipshit. Yes, I think it was a catch. Yes, I think the rule is jacked up. But HE knows the rule, and it wouldn't have been very hard for him to just tuck the ball into his chest and leave absolutely no doubt. So it's Megatron's fault, and that's that.

Philadelphia (-3.5) over DETROIT

Mike Vick!! I actually don't care who is QB for the Eagles, they should stomp Detroit. Especially with Stafford out. Shaun Hill? Meh. I'm actually hoping Vick kicks ass so that we have a nice QB controversy once Kolb is un-concussed. That shit's always fun.

GREEN BAY (-13.5) over Buffalo

The Bills fan I mentioned earlier took the Bills for 16 confidence points in our picks league last week. "Yeah, it was a shot in the dark. Week 1 at home. Fuck. I won't be doing that again." Also, suicide alert!

Pittsburgh (+5.5) at TENNESSEE

I like the Titans to win this game but that line seems kinda high.

Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA

Again, I like Minnesota to win this game at home but jesus did you see Brett Favre on Thursday? That did not look like a guy who really wants to play this year. How funny would it be if he quit after a few games and then watched Tarvaris Jackson lead the Vikes to the playoffs?

CAROLINA (-2.5) over Tampa Bay

God what an awful game.

DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle

Typical Pete Carroll. Gets the first win and gets everyone's hopes up and then boom, everything comes crashing down. I bet Tebow gets into the endzone in this one.

St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND

I'm picking St. Louis until they win. Seriously. Well, at least this week anyway.

New England (-1.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Fuck the Jets. I'm nervous as shit about this game. The Jets are as desperate a team as you'll ever find in week 2 of the season and that's not a good thing for the Pats. What is a good thing, though, is that Mark Sanchez sucks fucking donkey balls. And besides Revis, so does the Jets secondary. Now, this was a problem last year when Welker was hurt for one game and the Pats had no other receiving threats. It's a different story this year, though, and with Welker, Tate, Hernandez, GRONK, and Edelman, Brady has enough targets to carve up the Jets defense. Also, New York's strength on offense last year, the running game, is weaker, thanks to letting Thomas Jones go and bringing in that whiny douchebag pussy LDT. Yeah, he looked decent in week 1 but that's typical of a veteran going to a new team looking to show some burst. He'll fade this week and even more as the season goes on. Fuck the Jets.

Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO

This is a stupid pick. I fully expect it to lose.

Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON

Tough one here. Texans probably overachieved against the Colts, meanwhile the Redskins stumbled their way assbackwards into a win thanks to some really dipshit moves by the Cowboys.

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over New York Giants

I don't believe it will happen but....can Indy please go 0-2? PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2!

New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

1. I can't believe this line isn't higher.
2. Didn't take long for Simmons to abandon his 13-3 prediction for San Fran, huh? Simbiotics my fucking ass.

By the way, I wrote this entire thing while playing with Baby Mark Show so if there are spelling/grammar/whatever errors, deal with it. And let me know and I'll fix them. And as I was typing I'm pretty sure he just unleashed a shit bomb into his diaper. Great.

LET'S GO PATS! FUCK THE JETS!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 1!

Well that was a fun little game last night, huh? Well, ok, it was sloppy as shit but who fucking cares. Football is back!

Home team in caps, using lines from ESPN

Miami (-3.5) over BUFFALO

I'd like this one better if I weren't giving up that half point but fuck it, Buffalo sucks. I'm actually surprised Miami isn't favored by more in this game. It's not like Buffalo has much of a homefield advantage anyway, but this early in the year when the weather is still warm, they don't have shit.

CHICAGO (-6.5) over Detroit

I would love to take Detroit in this game. They're going to be tougher this year than they have in years past. However, as much as I think the Cutler-Martz combo is going to crash and burn over the course of the year, I also think they're going to get off to a hot start, if only to tease Bears fans. Also, it's early in the season so Julius Peppers is probably going to be playing hard and will harass Stafford all day.

Oakland (+6.5) over TENNESSEE

Tennessee wins the game but Oakland keeps it pretty close. Vince Young can't throw the ball for shit anyway and Nnamdi is only going to make things more difficult for him. I just hope Chris Johnson doesn't go completely insane in this one. He's terrifying to face in fantasy, and you can guess who I'm going against this week. Also, I guess the fact that they're playing this game means they dried out the Titans' field after that ridiculous flooding. That was nuts.

NEW ENGLAND (-5.5) over Cincinnati

Tom Brady is happy with his new contract and a happy Tom Brady makes me happy. In the pants. Also, Randy Moss is pissed off and ready to prove to everyone that he's still capable of earning one more big contract. He's going to have a monster year. And guess who's going to be in attendance at Gillette on Sunday? The Mark Show! Fuck yeah! Bottom line here is that the Pats aren't going to lose a home opener AND they've never lost a game when I've been there. How's THAT for a jinx? Fuck.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Carolina

That line seems awfully high for a Giants team that got blown out 400 to nothing in their final game last year. So of course I'm taking them. I'm a fucking idiot.

PITTSBURGH (+2.5) over Atlanta

Is Dennis Dixon really that awful that the Steelers are getting points at home? I say no. They'll pick up the win here on their way to 2-2 before The Rapist returns.

Cleveland (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY

Other than quarterback Josh Freeman I can't name one player on the Bucs off the top of my head. That's not a good sign. Actually, other than Delhomme I don't think I can name anyone on the Browns either. Jesus. Either I'm slipping in my old age (30!) or these teams really really blow. Maybe it's both. Getting old sucks. Also, I got kicked out of the bed last night because I rolled over on to Baby Mark Show. Oops.

Denver (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE

I swear to god I heard on talk radio the other day that Maurice Jones-Drew is hurt. Is that true? I'm far too lazy to look it up. Well, if it is true, the Jags are truly fucked. Even against the Broncos. This game is annoying because no matter what happens, Peter King is going blather on and on about what Tim Tebow did or didn't do in MMQB.

Indianapolis (-3.5) at HOUSTON

No god damn way I'm taking the Texans over the Colts until they actually beat them once. Until then I'm taking the Colts and not thinking twice about it. Although if the Colts lose right away it would spare us from having to listen to debates about whether or not they should try for an undefeated season when they're 14-0. Fucking pussies.

San Francisco (-2.5) at SEATTLE

Bill Simmons picked the Niners to go 13-3. He's batshit crazy. And fucking annoying. Did you read that piece of shit Simbotics column yesterday? "Here's my system. It's foolproof and works every time. Unless it doesn't. Then you fucked up somehow. But it wasn't the system!" Jackass.

Green Bay (-1.5) over PHILADELPHIA

The Kevin Kolb Era begins. My guess is we get halfway through the 2nd quarter before the boos fill the stadium. The Packers are going to jump all over them. I'm picking too many road teams, though.

ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Arizona

There, that's better. Wait, no it's not. I just picked the fucking Rams! I don't care, though. For whatever reason, I like rookie quarterbacks in the first game of the season. Just seems like they always come out hot and get everyone excited before the season wears on and teams actually have game film to scout. I have no statistical evidence to back this up. I just know I picked Sanchez and the Jets in their first game last year (on the road!) and they came through, so it has to be true! Unless it isn't.

Dallas (-3.5) at WASHINGTON

Donovan McNabb plays poorly and Redskins fans freak the fuck out. You gotta love Skins fans. They seriously think their team is one of the elite franchises in the NFL, even though that hasn't been true since 1991.

Baltimore (+3.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Another fan base that is going to be freaking the fuck out all week. That's gonna be fun. And look, I loved Hard Knocks just as much as anyone else, but the end, with Revis coming back? Made me want to fucking puke. This asshole, with three years left on his contract, held out for the entire preseason before finally getting his deal done. Hey, fine, he was underpaid. But the Jets, and Hard Knocks, welcomed him back like he was a fucking war hero, or someone coming back from a devastating injury. It was pretty pathetic. You can keep your goose bump music and slow clap, thank you very much.

San Diego (-5.5) over KANSAS CITY

The stupid 2nd Monday Night Football game to open the year. I really don't get why they do this. The ratings are always fucking terrible, they throw a shitty announcing squad at the game, and the teams generally blow. I guess it's a little better this year, but still. Fucking stupid.

Have an awesome Sunday, everyone.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Super Bowl!

It's Super Bowl time, my little bitches! And for the first time in 3 years, I'm actually going to get to watch the entire game at home, on my couch, the way it's fucking supposed to be.

Two years ago I was about 5 months into a new job and the week before the Super Bowl the bosses decided to send me on travel. Just for a week, fine, I'll be back on Saturday. The week was going by just fine, until Thursday, when I got The Call.

"Hey, we're gonna need you to stay out there next week, too."

Um, ok, can I fly home for the weekend? No. But it's the Super Bowl! The Pats are going for 19-0! Sorry, Mark, you're officially fucked. I tried to make the best of it. I bought a case of beer and bottle of champagne to drink during and after the game. I had packed my jersey juuuuuust in case this exact fucked scenario actually played out. My hotel room actually had an HDTV in it. I suppose it could have been worse.

And then, the fucking game happened. Ugh. Let's just move on.

Last year a friend of Wifey's was having a Super Bowl party, and since that friend's grandma or someone had just died and Wifey hadn't had a chance to see her yet, we had to go. Fine. We got there and the first thing I noticed was that someone had made chili that was clearly inferior to the chili I had cooking at home. Step up your fucking chili game, people. I'm the fucking Pope of Chili Town and this was some weak ass excuse for chili.

Since the game hadn't started yet and I had zero interest in talking to anyone at this party, I went to pet the dog. The dog, a boxer, was in the other room locked in its crate. And this is something I will fucking never understand about some people; why the fuck do people lock their dogs in the crate when they have company over? It drives me fucking crazy. I am never going to do that when I get a dog. Not a dog person? Then get the fuck out of my house! Oh did the dog knock something over and spill shit? Well the kids and drunk people are gonna do that anyway so what's the difference?

Anyway, so I go and sit next to the crate and pet the dog through the prison bars for a second and then I was like fuck it, and I opened the door to the crate, positioning myself so that I was pretty much blocking any escape. The dog sat there happily for like a minute while I petted it, but then I let my guard down and glanced into the other room to see where Wifey was. BOOM! That animal came busting out like a bat out of hell, knocking me on my back and charging into the party to fucking wreak havoc. Just started sprinting around, jumping on people, all that shit. It was great. Eventually the owners got the dog back in the crate and I fake apologized. We stayed for the first quarter and then headed home. I turned on the tv just in time to see James Harrison's interception return. And since the game sucked donkey dick in the 3rd quarter, I was actually in bed watching the non-HDTV when all of the awesomeness happened. Oh well.

But this year! This year I'm not going fucking anywhere. I'm gonna make my kick ass chili, drink some beer, and park my ass on the couch for the entire game. Wifey is talking about having some friends over and that's fine. Do whatever you want, lady. I'm eating my chili and watching football and that's all I give a shit about.

On to the game!

Indianapolis (-5) over New Orleans

God I would love to take the Saints. I'm fucking praying that they pull off the upset. But really, I just don't think it's going to happen. Peyton Manning is just too good. He's been playing out of his mind all season and he just seems to have a robotic, Terminator-like focus right now. I had a friend over to watch the AFC championship and with the Jets leading 17-6 just before the half I said to him, "It pisses me off that we're like 3 plays away from it being 17-13." Well, it took 4 plays, but that's the amazing thing about Manning; it's practically expected that he's going to make a couple deep throws and bury the dagger of a TD into your chest on every drive. It's fucking annoying.

I also don't think that Dwight Freeney's absence is going to mean shit. I just get the feeling that after the game, Berman and all the other talking dipshits are gonna be saying shit like, "And you never would have even noticed that Dwight Freeney didn't play!" I have no explanation for this other than I know we'll be hearing something like that after the game. So there.

Our only hope here is the Football Gods. Do they remember the Colts tanking like a bunch of pussies in Weeks 16 and 17? Do they realize what an enormous piece of whiny shit Bill Polian is? Do they know that the pussification of the game, penalizing the defense for everything, started with the Colts? Do they see the jackassery of Bill Polian claiming his team doesn't care about records or milestones but then making every effort to get Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark 100 catches for the season in Week 17? Of course not. The Football Gods don't exist. If they did, the Jets would have beaten the Colts 2 weeks ago after the Colts let them into the playoffs.

Colts 38, Saints 27 with Manning as MVP. Maybe he'll actually deserve it this time.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Championship Games!

Holy shitballs it's Sunday morning and I haven't done my NFL post yet! Fuck me! Alright so let's get right to the games...

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over New York Jets
We could easily change this line to SATAN (-1 GAZILLION) over My Soul. I'm still in shock that the two teams I hate the most in the fucking world are squaring off with a Super Bowl appearance on the line. If there were a god, which this game clearly illustrates there is not, the Jets would win this game. The ironing of the Colts laying down and allowing the Jets into the playoffs only to see the Jets come back and beat them would be delicious. De-li-cious. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.

But more importantly, who would I rather see win this game? Well, neither team, obviously, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I think I'd have to say the Colts. If Manning didn't already have a Super Bowl it would be Jets all the way, or if the Colts weren't complete pussies and were actually undefeated right now. But as it sits now, another Manning Super Bowl win doesn't really bother me that much. He'll still have fewer than Brady, and obviously nothing changes with all of his MVPs and stats and all that bullshit. Whatever.

But the Jets? Oh fucking mercy. We all know their fans are complete and utter fucktards as is, but can you imagine what it would be like if they win a Super Bowl? (Yes, I know, Boston fans are obnoxious. Point taken) Not only that, but a New York win would also bring out every piece of shit fuckhead that roots for whatever New York team happens to be winning at the moment. Jesus christ I fucking hate people like that.

Put it this way, the Colts are gonorrhea and the Jets are herpes. At some point, Peyton Manning is going to retire and the Colts will return to sucking. Eventually, they're going away, just like gonorrhea once you get a shot or take whatever you take to get rid of it. But the Jets? They're in the division, they're here for fucking over. Sure, they may not always be a factor, but every once in a while there's an outbreak and it's the worst thing ever. God I fucking hate the Jets. So there you go, I'm taking gonorrhea over herpes and that's that. Fucking shit.

(Note: all STD knowledge obtained from tv commercials and Eddie Murphy's Delirious)

NEW ORLEANS (-4) over Minnesota
This is it, people. It's going to happen. It's got to happen. It BETTER fucking happen! This is the game where Brett Favre is going fuck the Vikings in the ass. I can feel it in my bones. Oh sure, he said on NFL Live or whatever show that he knows that if the Saints get a couple quick scores that he has to remain patient but we all know the truth about that fucktaster. The Gunslinger is still alive and just waiting to rear it's glorious head at just the right moment to crush the dreams of Vikings fans everywhere. And I'm going to love it. Fucking LOVE it.

The Saints have to win this game. They just do. For the love of all that is holy. Please, New Orleans, save us from two weeks of nonstop Favre. Yes, the Hurricane Katrina storyline is overplayed and annoying, but it's nothing compared to Favre. Fucking. Go. Saints.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Wild Card Round!

Holy fucking shit, it's fucking playoff time! It's time for the remaining NFL teams to start their journey to name, an actual, legit, undisputed champion. Fuck yeah!

This year's playoffs are going to a bittersweet time for me. You see, at this time next year I'm going to have a 6-7 month old kid wreaking havoc on my life in general and as detailed by Big Daddy Drew and mentioned by The Sports Guy, having a kid or kids around is not conducive to spending all weekend watching playoff football. So this year, I'm watching every fucking game, in it's fucking entirety, no matter what Wifey has to say about it!

Another reason I'm fired up is that I've made a commitment to make a different slow cooker dish for each day of the playoffs. For the past 2 and a half years, I've used the slow cooker a few times a year to make my world famous chili. It's fucking delicious and awesome, no matter what my ass has to say the next day. It's a price well worth paying. But chili is the only thing I've ever cooked in the crock pot, which is kinda fucking stupid. Because pretty much anything you cook in a crock pot is fucking amazing, and even better, it's amazingly easy to cook. You just throw a bunch of shit in the slow cooker and let it fucking slow cook.

Our first dish of the playoffs is Slow Cooker BBQ Beef, which is kind of like a beef version of pulled pork, sort of. I prepared everything last night and then got up at 7 this morning and hucked it all in the pot. In about 9 hours I'm going to be stuffing my face with some awesome bbq beef sandwiches. Fuck. Yes. Tomorrow is going to be beef stew. Simple, yet awesome.

Let's get to the fucking games, shall we?

Home team in CAPS

CINCINNATI (-2.5) over New York Jets
In a wild card round filled with good matchups, this is the one shit bomb. Cincy fucking limped to the playoffs after starting the year so well and the Jets only got in because the Colts are a bunch of fucking piece of shit pussies and because the Bengals didn't give a shit about trying for the 3rd seed on Sunday night.

The focus here is obviously going to be on SanCHEZ (why can't some announcers say his fucking name right? Fucking dickheads, there's no emphasis on the CHEZ!) and how he handles his first ever playoff start. Well, I say he doesn't handle it well. I also think Ochocinco is going to have a fairly good game against Revis. Ocho was embarrassed last weekend and I think we've reached the point where the hype surrounding "Revis Island" is too high and he gets knocked down a peg in the most important game of the season.

And one more thing, I can't believe people actually got worked about Rex Ryan saying he thought his Jets should be the Super Bowl favorites. First of all, it's that fat fuck Rex Ryan, so anything he says should be taken only half-seriously (unless he's being a whiny little bitch, or crying, then you can take him seriously), and second, what the fuck do you expect him to say? It's nice to have a coach show some confidence in his team, even it is a bunch of false bravado from a fat fucking dipshit.

But, having said all that, doesn't it sound like delicious karma for the Jets to just get destroyed here so we can all hope that some reporter has the balls to ask Rexy about being the Super Bowl favorites? Holy fuck that would be the greatest thing ever.

Update! Thanks to Adam Schefter and Twitter we now have this piece of hilariousness:

Adam_Schefter When Rex Ryan showed the Jets their month-long playoff itinerary, it included the Super Bowl parade on Feb. 9. Players loved it

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! If there is a god the Jets will get creamed and someone will bring this up postgame. Please let this happen. I don't ask for much.

Philadelphia (+4) over DALLAS
People, it's your last fucking chance to hit that mother fucking video board! I'm so disappointed by this. After all the preseason controversy I couldn't fucking wait for this thing to be pummeled by punt after punt after punt. Fucking Jerry Jones. They raised the video board for a U2 concert without any fucking problem at all, but they couldn't do it for the NFL? Fuck you, Jerry Jones! And now, it doesn't even fucking matter because not one single punter even came close to nailing it. Fucking lame.

As for the game, (and the other NFC game for that matter) I have absolutely no fucking clue what to expect. I'm just pumped to watch what should be an exciting game of big plays, big fuckups, and big fat fucking coaches. I'm going with Philly only because I think they'll bounce back from last week's stinkbomb, which didn't get skewered by the media nearly enough. I mean, a win gets them the 2nd seed and a first round by and they come out flat and score zero points? Fucking pathetic.

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Baltimore
I'll admit that I'm fucking nervous about this game. Like, really nervous. But I think the Pats do enough to win. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that Randy Moss has a big game here. 10+ catches, 100+ yards and at least one TD. And of course, the refs will fuck Baltimore over cuz that's what they always do, right?

There are other things at stake here as well, the most important being my playoff beard. Well, "beard" may not be the best description of what I've got going on with my facial hair at the moment. It's pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's also hilarious and awesome and I love it. The wife? She does not love it. And that's a fucking understatement. But hey, it's my fucking playoff beard and I'm fucking keeping it until the Pats are out. And that fucking better not be Sunday.

So without further ado, here it is: My playoff beard, started December 31, 2009 at 7am. Now with extra nose hair!


ARIZONA (PK) over Green Bay
I'm sorry, I can't take Green Bay vs. Favre again. I just can't. And I don't think the football gods can either. It can't happen. It won't happen. And that's that.

Then again, like I said before, I have absolutely no fucking clue what's going to happen in the NFC.

It's going to be a fucking rad playoff season, people. Enjoy the fucking ride!

Merry Effing Christmas!

Hey everyone! Merry fucking Christmas! That's right, fucking CHRISTMAS! None of this happy "holiday" bullshit around here. God Lauren Graham is fucking hot, huh? Fuck yeah! Anyway, no matter what you're celebrating this time of year I hope you have a great time with your family and friends and all that bullshit.

On to tonight's game...Since San Diego has already locked up the AFC West I'm giving Tennessee the nod here. Plus my fantasy team full of Chargers lost in the first round of the playoffs so fuck those fuckheads.

And finally, happy birthday BoozeRob! That's right, the Booze is a Christmas baby. What a fucking douche.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 15

I've been using the lines from ESPN's Pigskin Pick 'Em for these posts and it's fucking annoying because while 99% of the betting world had the Colts at -3.5 last night, ESPN left the line at -6.5, costing me a win last night. Sure, I thought the Colts would still cover but still, fucking annoying.

I'm torn on whether or not I want to see the Colts, or the Saints for that matter, go for a 16-0 regular season. On one hand, I think it's fucking stupid to rest your starters unless it's absolutely necessary and having the Colts go 16-0 and then collapse in the playoffs would be fucking awesome. But what if they DO finish the job and go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl? Holy fucking shit I'm not sure I could handle that. I mean we're talking about the ultimate kick in the balls as a Patriots fan. What a fucking nightmare. Let's stop thinking about that and get on with games, shall we?

Home teams in CAPS (using ESPN's stupid lines)

NEW ORLEANS (-7.5) over Dallas
I don't get all the chatter from Dallas about how they're not going to "cow down" to the Saints on Saturday night. Well no fucking shit. Who the fuck thought they were just going to lie down and let the Saints march all over them? The Cowboys are fighting for their playoff lives AND trying to squash all this December choke talk so of course they're going to play hard. It won't fucking matter though. The Saints are too good, especially at home. And while there's some doubt about whether or not Indy is going to back off approaching the playoffs, the Saints have maintained all along that they're going balls to the wall for the entire season.

New England (-7.5) over BUFFALO
This game isn't the ideal situation for the Randy Moss redemption game that I'm hoping for. The weather is going to be complete dogshit and I'm guessing the Pats focus on the running game and ride Laurence Maroney for over 100 yards rushing. Maroney has been running hard lately, quieting the (deserved) criticism that he's taken for the majority of his career as a Patriot and I fucking love it. And if I just jinxed him, fuck me in the ear. Also, you can bet for a couple of absolute bombs to be thrown Moss's way in the first quarter. How those plays turn out will go a long way in determining the rest of the game plan for the Pats.

Arizona (-10.5) over DETROIT
Before the Monday night game I was all set to make this my suicide pick this week. What the fuck, people? Seven fucking turnovers? Jesus. I think they bounce back and beat the piss out of the Lions but that game, plus the injury to Larry Fitzgerald, scared me enough to change my suicide pick.

TENNESSEE (-3.5) over Miami
In other words, bet the house on the Dolphins. God they fucking own me.

KANSAS CITY (-2.5) over Cleveland
Is there any chance that the Browns put together two good weeks in a row? No fucking way, right? What a shitty game.

Houston (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
Suicide pick alert! If the Texans can't beat a Rams team that a) fucking sucks, and 2) had to cancel practice because of a swine flu outbreak then I'm going to fly to Houston and jam a merciless pepper of Quetzlzacatenango in Matt Schaub's eye.

Atlanta (+6.5) over NEW YORK JETS
When I originally made this pick I thought the game was in Atlanta. Not sure why. Whatever, I just like picking against the Jets.

PHILADELPHIA (-7.5) over San Francisco
This one makes me nervous. After winning that thriller against the Giants this seems like the type of game that Eagles fans get all excited for only to get sucker punched and left for dead. But even so, a win here pretty much locks up the NFC East for Philly and I think they'll get it done handily. DeSean Jackson is a fucking animal.

BALTIMORE (-10.5) over Chicago
The Ravens are still alive for a wild card spot in the AFC so they're going to come out guns blazing. And on the other side of the ball, Cutler fucking sucks. At least 3 picks, right?

SAN DIEGO (-6.5) over Cincinnati
Let's just leave it at that in the aftermath of the Chris Henry death.

Oakland (+13.5) over DENVER
The Raiders are kind of a pain in the ass now that JaMarcus has been benched for good. This line seems pretty high for a team that peaked in Week 6.

PITTSBURGH (-0.5) over Green Bay
The Steelers can't lose 6 in a row, can they? Right? Anyone? Bueller?

Tampa Bay (+7.5) over SEATTLE
The Seahawks should not be giving ANYONE more than a touchdown. Not even the 1-win Bucs. Sorry Booze, but your team blows. Although if you take enough Vicodin I'm sure you'll enjoy the game anyway.

Minnesota (-7.5) over CAROLINA
Man I can't wait for the Vikings to win this game and then have Carolina talk shit about Adrian Peterson or Percy Harvin. Oh you took Randy Moss out of the game? Congratulations fucksticks, because while you had 3 guys covering Moss, Wes Welker dominated the shit out of the rest of the team. But seriously, congrats on the Moss thing. Maybe next time you'll try to actually fucking win the game.

New York Giants (-3.5) over WASHINGTON
I'm sticking with my original pick here even though Vinny Cerrato's resignation might push the Skins to a victory here.

NFL Quick Pick: Indianapolis Colts

There's been a fuckload of talk about the Colts shutting things down now that they've got the top seed in the AFC locked up. Well fuck that noise. It's fucking week 15! Way too god damn early to start doing that shit. And if they DO start resting their starters? Well then Jim Caldwell is an even shittier head coach than I already think he is. Seriously, it fucking pisses me off that people are kissing his ass for being the first rookie head coach to remain undefeated for this long. HE DOES NOTHING! He's Art Fucking Shell with a competent team. Peyton Manning is the coach of that team and no one can tell me differently. The next time Caldwell speaks during a game will be the first. Fucking freeloading dickhead. Anyway, Colts -6.5 and we're starting this week off with a win, unlike last week. Fucking Steelers.

On a sad note: RIP Chris Henry. It always freaks me out when I realize that certain pro athletes are younger than me, but when a pro athlete 3 years younger than me DIES? That's just jarring. Condolences to his family and friends from the OGDH staff.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 14

First things first, let's all wish BoozeRob good luck as he goes in for surgery on his broken ankle this morning. Although not too much luck, since that clumsy fucker had the balls to whine about having to get to the hospital at 6am. Cry me a fucking river, asshole. I'm up that early all the fucking time. And it's not like you're getting up for a long day of work or some shit. They're gonna fucking gas the fuck out of you and you'll get to sleep all day. Doesn't really sound that bad to me. Quit your bitching you pussy! And if the doctor fucks up your surgery, be sure to slap him right in the cock for being an incompetent douche.

Before we get to Sunday's games, let's talk about the Steelers for a second, ok? Don't these shitheads realize that it's the LOSING Super Bowl team that's supposed to miss the playoffs the next year? First Seattle makes it back to the playoffs in 2006, and now Arizona is headed that way while the Steelers are off losing to Oakland and the fucking Browns. You fuckers are doing it wrong! It makes me happy, but it's still annoying, if that makes sense.

On to the games!

Home team in CAPS

New Orleans (-9.5) over ATLANTA
If Matt Ryan were playing I'd probably take Atlanta but Chris Redman is gonna get eaten up by the Saints defense. And if we learned anything from last week's comeback against the Redskins, it's this: Don't be stupid enough to offer to let people come shoot your tv if the Saints win. I'm really flabbergasted by this one. I mean, if you're rooting for the Saints, why would you want something terrible to happen if they end up winning? Why ruin the win? Fucking Louisiana hicks.



Green Bay (-3.5) over CHICAGO

Another Cutler sulkfest on its way! He's gonna throw at least 3 picks in this game. He's fucking awful.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Denver

Sigh. God I fucking hate the Colts, but what Peyton Manning is doing this year is downright amazing. They've got a fucking mute for a coach and still Manning has this team undefeated. It's incredible. Now let's see if we can get some sort of Curse of Sorgi going on.

Buffalo (+0.5) over KANSAS CITY

I always love when the spread is only a half point. Like they can't just make it a pick, gotta throw that half point in there so money changes hands in the event of a tie. After getting the Darrelle Revis treatment last weekend, I'm guessing we see a big game from TO.

New York Jets (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY

Am I the only one who kinda thinks Kellen Clemens is an upgrade at this point? I am? Well fuck off.

JACKSONVILLE (-2.5) over Miami

There is ZERO fucking chance that the Dolphins play well in this game. Zero. They blew their collective load last week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-13.5) over Detroit

With all the talk about how shitty Joe Flacco has been lately, this is just the team he needs to see to get his head on straight for a game. And it will give all the suck ass Ravens fans a glimmer of hope before they shit the bed later on. Always fun to see that happen. And if they can't cover this spread, well then I'm blaming those crooked fucking zebras. They're always fucking over Baltimore!

HOUSTON (-7.5) over Seattle

So long, Steve Slaton. A billion fantasy owners fucking hate your guts now. I hope you're happy.

Cincinnati (+6.5) over MINNESOTA

Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue.

NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) over Carolina

Not the most fun week to be a Pats fan. First the loss on Sunday, then we've got Belichick sending players home, Adalius Thomas opening his mouth like a fucking idiot, and now Brady may or may not have broken or cracked ribs. Fuck me in the goat ass. What we need here is a good old fashioned hippie ass whomping. And I think it's coming. I do not envy Matt Moore this week.

TENNESSEE (-12.5) over St. Louis

Suicide pick alert! Do I want the Titans to make the playoffs? Yes. Do I want the Pats to play them in the playoffs? Fuck. No. So I guess that kinda means I don't want the Titans to make the playoffs. Whatever.

OAKLAND (+1.5) over Washington

Bruce Gradkowski! Hey, how about a round of applause for my polish brother's 4th quarter performance last week. We pollacks gotta stick together!

San Diego (+3.5) over DALLAS

God damn you punters of the NFL. You're running out of games to hit that fucking video board! Do we need to start pooling money together to give you some incentive? Fuck!

NEW YORK GIANTS (-0.5) over Philadelphia

Nothing that happens with this game will surprise me. A high scoring shootout. A scoreless tie. A blowout either way. It's a crapshoot picking these teams under normal circumstances but stick them together and it's a fucking diarrhea shoot.

Arizona (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Meh. I just don't care about the NFC West.

Since that would be a shitty way to end this post, let's end it on a more literal shitty note. This morning I woke up, and as a pleasant surprise, I didn't have to shit before I got in the shower. You see, I like to take my morning dump once I get to work. Pooping on company time is better than pooping on my time. But lately, for the last two weeks or so, I've had to go immediately after waking up, and it's really starting to annoy me. Ok, so this morning I was pumped that things seemed to be back to normal so I hopped in the shower and lathered up. As soon as I got done and started drying off, it hit me. I had to shit. Fuuuuuuuck! Taking a shit immediately after a shower is one of the worst fucking things EVER. First of all, you're all fresh and clean and immediately render the shower practically moot. Like it was just a fucking waste of time. And second, you can never dry off enough so your legs and ass are still kinda wet and you're just sliding around on the toilet seat. Fucking sucks.

So that got me thinking about the worst shitting situations that actually involve a toilet. We'll leave camping and emergency or involuntary situations out of this. Here's my top 5, in no particular order:

1. Immediately after showering: Described above.

2. Mid workout: You're all fucking sweaty so you've got the sliding on the seat thing going on, plus you have to pause your workout. I clip my Ipod Nano on my shorts so when I go to pull them down I always forget about the headphones and they practically rip my ears off.

3. In a porta-potty at a tailgate: First, it's fucking disgusting. Second, everyone knows what you're doing in there. And third, you face even further embarrassment if it happens to be a particularly loud pooping session.

4. At a restaurant on a date: You just finish destroying a 22 oz. porterhouse and that bad boy makes it through you fucking immediately. Then you have to excuse yourself and leave the poor girl all alone while you destroy the bathroom. Always awkward coming back to the table after that.

5. At the new girlfriend's apartment: At a certain point in a relationship, the poop barrier gets crossed and you both accept the fact that you are human beings and that you do, in fact, shit. But early in the relationship, absofuckinglutely not.

Let me know what I left out in the comments.

NFL Quick Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

So I was having a pretty good morning today...I woke up after a good night's sleep feeling refreshed and excited that it's Thursday and that the week has gone by pretty quickly. But then I walked outside to head to work and there it was...



Mother. FUCKER! Now I'm fucking enraged. I went back inside to grab my camera, write the fuckers a note, and inform Wifey of this horseshit. She laughed at how pissed I was and then wondered "Maybe it's just someone dropping something off real quick..." WRONG, Woman! There's condensation all over that fucking piece of shit car. It's been there all fucking night. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, I'm temped to take the 9.5 points and take the Browns because the Steelers kinda blow lately and the weather in Cleveland is supposed to be miserable tonight but fuck it. If the Steelers can't cover the spread it just gives me another reason to hate those fucks.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 13

Alright people, I've sufficiently regrouped from that fucking ass-kicking on Monday so let's just do the thing, right?

Home team in CAPS

Philadelphia (-4.5) at ATLANTA

I fucking HATE picking Philly games. Hate, hate, hate! They have to be one of the most frustrating teams of all time, right? They have the talent, but every third week they look like a JV high school team. McNabb starts rifling the ball straight into the fucking ground, Andy Reid is doing idiotic Andy Reid things, Westbrook is fucking hurt AGAIN. It's infuriating, and damn near impossible to predict. Lock it the fuck up, jerks. I can't even fathom what it's like to be an Eagles fan.

CHICAGO (-8.5) over St. Louis

If Cutler can't get his shit back on track against the Rams this weekend then he's just fucking hopeless. And you know what? He might actually be hopeless. When I watch him play there is nothing that makes me think he'll ever be the top tier quarterback that so many people anointed him to be so prematurely. Oooooooooh, arm strength! Big fucking deal. A fuckload of people have good arm strength.

Detroit (+13.5) over CINCINNATI

Cincy has this annoying habit of playing down to their competition. Motherfuckers had me sweating for a while last weekend against the fucking BROWNS because they were my suicide pick.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Tennessee

There's no fucking way Tennessee is winning this game. No. Fucking. Way. 6 straight losses followed by 6 straight wins? The redemption of Vince Young? Handing the Colts their first loss? Keeping the playoff dream alive? That is WAY too many happy/cool story lines for one team to have riding on a game. The Titans have no chance.

/dear lord let the Titans win

Denver (-4.5) over KANSAS CITY

Suicide pick alert! Aaaaaaaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth. But fuck, I'm running out of teams to choose and the Broncos were my best choice. Puke. Get it done, Neckbeard!

WASHINGTON (+8.5) over New Orleans

The Redskins have been playing better football lately and the Saints HAVE to be due for a letdown game this week, right? I originally picked the Saints but just now switched to Washington...so you can almost fucking guarantee the Saints are gonna blow them out. The last minute switch never fucking works. Fuck me.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over CAROLINA

Who is starting for the Panthers in this game? Am I starting? That would be fucking rad. I could throw fewer picks than Delhomme. Give me a call, Coach Fox!

JACKSONVILLE (-0.5) over Houston

I'm confused by this line. Jacksonville is the better team and they're playing at home. What the fuck?

PITTSBURGH (-11.5) over Oakland

After being called out by some teammates after sitting out last week's game against the Ravens, I get the feeling that we're gonna see a fucking MONSTER game from Big Ben here. Like 400 yards passing and 4 TDs.

New England (-6.5) over MIAMI

Bill Simmons was whining about this line on his podcast earlier in the week, claiming that the line should be no higher than 3 in the Pats' favor. Really, fuckface? Giving only 3 points to a team that just got destroyed by BUFFALO?? Seriously, fuck off, you front running shithead. Simmons is always pointing out and criticizing the Boston media for pulling the whole "sky is falling" routine, yet he does the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING after any Pats loss. It's fucking infuriating. Yes, the loss on Monday sucked donkey dick, and yes, it raised some questions about the team. But listen, dickwad, the season is not fucking over, so stop with all this doomsday bullshit and setting yourself up to say "I told you so" if the Pats don't get it done in the postseason.

San Diego (-8.5) over CLEVELAND

The only exciting thing about this game is waiting to see what kind of shit Mangini pulls out of his ass. Was the other team cheating? Was it the refs fault? The Dawg Pound?? Why did you guys suck this week, Eric? Fucking asshole.

SEATTLE (-0.5) over San Francisco

I have nothing to say about this game.

BoozeRob DOES have something to say about this game:

Both of these teams fucking suck. If an asteroid hit the stadium, the fucking NFL wouldn't care. Seriously would anyone miss the Niners or the Hawks? Fuck no. SF fans are too busy sucking dick and Hawks fans are trading fucking scarves from the Sounders season.

Fuck my life.

Well ok then.

Dallas (-1.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
I think we're a week away from the annual Dallas December Collapse. Just feels like they're gonna get the fans' hopes up before crashing and burning to 9-7.

ARIZONA (+3.5) over Minnesota
This pick is void if Warner doesn't get the start. And honestly, god boy, get your balls out of your fucking purse and get out there. Two weeks is long enough to recover from what may not have even been a concussion in the first place. Get out there and make this the battle of the gray-bearded quarterbacks, you pussy.

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Baltimore
The Ravens are done. A loss here leaves them floundering for a wild card spot and there's no way the AFC North is sending three teams to the playoffs. Plus a loss means we get to hear the sweet cries of the Ravens complaining about the officials. Fucking tasty.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 11

Well, last night's pick sucked fucking donkey balls. Apparently Ricky Williams is better than I thought. It's amazing what can happen when you stop toking up every fucking day. I should have known. Carolina has been fucking me all season with my picks. They are a huge pain in the ass. Whatever.

Remember a few weeks ago when I bitched about the old people in my apartment complex? Of course you don't. But the point is, I did bitch about it. And those old fuckers have done nothing since then to change my opinion. Fuck them. Why am I rehashing this? Well I got home from work today and came upon this:


Mother. Fucker. I know you can't really tell from the photo, but that car is parked directly in front of the stairs. And that is NOT A FUCKING PARKING SPOT! It's not enough for you to park like an asshole in a regular spot? Now you have to park in a no parking space AND fucking park diagonally? Well fuck you, whoever you are. I fucking hate you.

On to the picks...home team in CAPS

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland
What a fucking suckfest. I have no idea who is going to win this game but I can't fathom taking a franchise that I just nominated for Dorn of the Week. Also, fuck Eric Mangini right in his Mangina.

JACKSONVILLE (-8.5) over Buffalo
So long, Dick Jauron! I'll miss Skeletor and his complete and utter indifference on the sidelines. Anyway, the Jags are finally getting their shit together so this should be a nice blowout. I just really don't get the feeling that this Bills team is going to rally around a new coach.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco
The Packers look to be back on track after blanking Romo and the Cowboys on Sunday. And the Niners still suck. The only reason they got a win last week is because Jay Cutler is an overrated piece ofr shit. At least it shut Gregg Easterbrook up. Fucking douche.

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY
Losing Troy Palamalu hurts, but the Steelers are still going to rape the shit out of the Chiefs.

Washington (+11.5) over DALLAS
Dallas is winning this game. Washington is better than people think, though. Ladell Betts will do just fine replacing Portis.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta
Wow, Matty Ryan is falling apart like crazy, huh? Matty Ice my ass. The G-Men better win this game or Coughlin's head is going to fucking explode.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY
God the Saints have an easy schedule. Get ready for a loss next week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-0.5) over Indianapolis
Fuck Peyton Manning and fuck the Colts.

MINNESOTA (-11.5) over Seattle
God the Vikings have an easy schedule. And clearly I don't give a shit about most of this week's games so I'm mailing this post in.

Arizona (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
BO-RING

San Diego (-2.5) over DENVER
Other websites actually have Denver favored in this game. That's free fucking money, poeple.

OAKLAND (+9.5) over Cincinnati
I just have a feeling that Cincy struggles in this one.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over New York Jets
This is going to be a fucking slaughter. The Pats are going to be fired up to make up for last week's choke job. The Jets are terrible and their head coach is a fucking crybaby. Fuck the Jets.

CHICAGO (+3.5) over Philadelphia
This is a stupid pick and I know it. Fuck.

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON
I think Houston wins this game, but it's gonna be by a field goal. What a shitty Monday night game.

NFL Quick Pick: Panthers

CAROLINA (-3) over Miami
Hey, guess who has the NFL Network and won't be watching this game? This guy! BO-RING! I was leaning towards Miami early in the week but then Ronnie Brown got placed on the IR yesterday and made my choice nice and fucking easy. That's a devastating blow to the Dolphins, and my fantasy team. Miami basically loses the Wildcat (Ricky Williams and Pat White are a ginormous step down from Brown) and I'm stuck with Tomlinson as my only decent RB. Plus, now that LDT had his one good game of the season while I had him on the fucking bench, he's sure to revert back to the raging pussy we all know he is.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 10

Am I a fucking prophet or what? Ok, so it wasn't a pick 6 that sealed the game and the cover but it WAS a pick. So I'm counting it. But seriously, did you see that fucking game? Holy shit what a suckfest. Thank god I was tired and shut it off at halftime because that 2nd half must have been just brutal to watch. Whatever. A win's a win and I'll take it. And since Crabtree didn't find the endzone. Fuck him.

Ok, on to the rest of this week's games.

Home team in CAPS.

NEW YORK JETS (-7) over Jacksonville
Fucking CBS. Instead of showing the awesome matchup of Bengals-Steelers, I'm getting this stupid game. Assholes. Anyway, I would have loved to take the Jags here but I just have a feeling that Jets are going to get a blowout win to build their confidence before next week's trip to Foxboro. And no doubt they'll be yapping it the fuck up like the assholes they are. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck the Jets. But they're winning this game handily.

Denver (-4) over WASHINGTON
Wow this line is low. Has Vegas seen what's been going on with the Redskins? Look for Denver to end their losing streak here. If I were a Skins fan I'd take the time to make a sign just so I'd have a story about it getting confiscated by Dan Snyder's storm troopers. Fucking Nazi.

PITTSBURGH (-7) over Cincinnati
Oh how I would love to take the Bengals here. I fucking loathe the Steelers. I just can't shake the feeling that the Steelers blow the fuck out of the Bengals and reclaim the throne in the AFC North. I still think Cincy is going to the playoffs but they're going to get knocked down a peg before hitting an easy run on their schedule in the next few weeks. Also, look for a Dorn of the Week nomination for Roger Goodell and the NFL for fining Ochocinco 20 grand for his little "bribe" stunt last week. That is fucking bullshit. It was one fucking dollar and it was god damn hilarious since the Ravens are so prone to bitching about the officials. Lighten the fuck up.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Buffalo
Buffalo fucking sucks. T.O. might not play. And the Titans are finally showing some signs of life. Vince Young might not be the stud he was in college but I still think he can get shit done and Chris Johnson has been running wild lately and will continue to do so this week.

MINNESOTA (-17) over Detroit
They can't make this line high enough. Minnesota is coming off a bye and Detroit...well, we know they're fucking terrible. Add to that the fact that Stafford is supposedly feuding with Megatron and we've got all the makings of a shitbeating. And of course, the fuckhead Brett Favre will be awesome again and the media will suck his dick all week for the millionth time.

New Orleans (-14) over ST. LOUIS
Another line that can't be high enough. I know the Saints have gotten off to slow starts the last few weeks but holy jebus, it's the fucking Rams! The Saints are going to roll to 12-0 before the Pats come to town.

Atlanta (-2) over CAROLINA
I find it amazing that Cutler leads the league in interceptions over Delhomme. It's true! But that doesn't change the fact that Delhomme is fucking awful. Honestly, if this game were in Atlanta I'd probably take the Panthers, but since Delhomme fucking sucks at home and is going to be booed at the first sign of his inevitable incompetence I'm rolling with the Falcons. Hopefully we get another sideline scuffle and the two Smiths (Mike and Steve) can slug it out.

MIAMI (-10) over Tampa Bay
Suicide pick alert! I'm running out of good teams to take in my suicide pool. I swear to god I'll take an underdog before this is over, but not yet. Miami is better than their record indicates (I fucking hate saying that) and the Bucs are probably still sucking each other off after last week's improbable win. On another note, how fucking pathetic is this Gatorade bath thing getting? First the Rams dumped the bucket on Steve Spagnuolo a couple weeks ago and now Raheem Morris got the same treatment last week. That's how you know your franchise fucking sucks. I don't give a shit if it's the coach's first victory as a head coach. Have some fucking respect for yourselves.

Kansas City (+2) over OAKLAND
See? I told you I'd take an underdog! Not that I have any confidence in this pick whatsoever. What a shitty game.

ARIZONA (-9) over Seattle
Okay, Cardinals. Time to fucking lock it up at home. Yeah, your 4-0 record on the road is nice and everything, but fuck, I still can't believe you lost to Carolina at home two weeks ago. If Kurt Warner can't beat the shit out of the Seahawks this weekend I fully expect him to renounce his faith.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Philadelphia
This line has been taken off the board at bodog.com. What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm completely flabbergasted by that. The Chargers are on a nice little run right now, and if they want to have any chance of catching the Broncos in the AFC West they need to win this game. Also, if Tomlinson scores more fantasy points than Crabtree and the difference costs me a win I'm going to be fucking pissed. Fucking Tomlinson. I knew it was a mistake to take him in the first round of my new keeper league this year but I did it anyway and it's been haunting me ever since. Fuck.

GREEN BAY (+3) over Dallas
The Cowboys are riding a little too high after their win at Philly and Tony Romo is due for a nice 3 pick game that brings all the doubters back out of the woodwork. I'm excited. Note to Aaron Rodgers: Throw the fucking ball before Demarcus Ware sacks your ass! As long as he does that we should see the Packers win.

New England (+3) over INDIANAPOLIS
This line opened at 2.5. Really? Enough people are betting on the Colts to move the line to 3? Obviously this is a ginormous game with first round bye implications on the line. Everyone is talking about how the Colts' secondary has been weakened by injuries to Bob Sanders and company. However, Sanders only played in 2 games before going on season ending IR last week and still the Colts' D has been playing well all year. But they haven't had their rookie CBs tested against the likes of Brady, Moss, and Welker. This game is gonna be a slugfest and I can't fucking wait for it. For all the hype about Brady and Manning, I think this game is going to come down to the matchup between Dwight Freeney and rookie Sebastian Vollmer, filling in for injured Matt Light. Vollmer is a fucking beast and I think he contains Freeney enough for Brady to take advantage of the Indy secondary. LET'S GO PATS!

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND
The Browns are a fucking mess. The Ravens are pissed off after an embarrassing display last week and Cleveland is the perfect team for them to stomp on to take out that aggression.

NFL Quick Pick

Well, we've got an NFL game tonight and I'm entirely too lazy to write my picks column a day early, so we'll just do a little quickie pick and do the usual post tomorrow. Deal? Deal.

SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5) over Chicago
I fucking hate giving up that half-point here so I'm hoping that a late San Fran 3-point lead turns into a game-clinching pick 6 from Cutler's sulky ass to give me the cover. Also, I'm starting Crabtree on my fantasy team for the first time this week so that holdout mother fucker better find the god damn endzone. And please, for the love of god, let San Fran win so that fuckhead Gregg Easterbrook will shut the fuck up about the 'Curse of Crabtree.' He'll probably mention it no matter what, though, because once he finds an angle, no matter how pointless, tired, or fucking stupid, he'll ride that shit into the ground for the rest of the fucking season and perhaps beyond (see: Spygate). He's a fucking douche.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 9

Holy fucking shit. This week's slate of games is fucking brutal. Good teams playing good teams. Shitty teams playing shitty teams. Fucking enigma teams playing other fucking enigma teams. This could be a blood bath. There's your warning. I have no fucking idea on the majority of these.

Home team in CAPS

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Kansas City
And here we got with shitty vs. shitty matchup number 1. Ugh. Kansas City flat out sucks. The Jags gave the Titans their first win last week despite an epic effort from Maurice Jones-Drew. Plus, there's this nugget from Peter King's picks column...

"I hear Jack Del Rio was found, in a daze, walking aimlessly around the parking lot at the team's stadium and practice facility the other night. A security guard approached. 'Coach, can I help you find something," the guard said. Del Rio looked up. 'Our heart," he said."

Wow. I kinda wish he had said "my axe" or "my resume" but still, that's not a good thing. Whatever though, like I said, KC sucks and if the Jags have any pride at all, which is apparently in some serious doubt, they'll take care of business at home.

CINCINNATI (+3) over Baltimore
If the Bengals weren't coming off of their bye week I'd probably take the Ravens. But Cincy has had two weeks to get ready for a game that has HUGE division and playoff implications. I think they get it done with Ochocinco running wild in the Ravens' suspect secondary.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Houston
With all the talk about how this is the biggest game in Houston franchise history, this has all the makings of an epic shitbeating that just fucking destroys the will of a fanbase. Peyton Manning knows he's going to have to light shit up after a slew of defensive injuries hit the Colts this week so he's going to be a fucking madman out there. We're looking at something like 5 TD passes from him.

ATLANTA (-10) over Washington
Suicide pick alert! Matt Ryan is going to get back on track after an unimpressive 3-game stretch. And if he doesn't? I'm going to fly to Atlanta and rape him with a Natty Ice can. Also, I implore any Redskins fans (hell, even Falcons fans!) going to this game to bring as many anti-Dan Snyder signs as possible. That little midget doesn't have any power in Hotlanta!! Skewer his ass, people!

Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY
Kinda weird for the Packers to have a must-win against a winless team, but here we are. And that's about all I have to say about this game. Fucking boring.

Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO
Man, Arizona really fucked things up last week, huh? Dickwads. And yet, I'm picking them. Am I confident? Fuck no. These two teams are both complete mindfucks. Fuck them both.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Miami
Let's take a second to talk about Joey 'Fuckhead' Porter. Porter has spent the week spouting his tired bullshit about how the Pats are cheaters and blah fucking blah fucking blah. We get it dude. You're a bitter piece of shit with no self esteem and an overinflated ego. Whatever. But this week, in addition to his usual verbal puke, he brought up the Tom Brady Rule and cried about how Brady lobbied for a flag and got it thrown, so therefore Brady gets special treatment.

Now, the play in question was dubious, and even though the call was correct, it probably wasn't a play that warranted a flag. I'll freely admit that, and that Brady and the other elite quarterbacks around the league definitely do get protected and yeah, it's annoying.

But what pisses me off, is this idea that the flag was only thrown because Brady lobbied for a flag and that he gets whatever he wants. EVERY MOTHER FUCKING PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE LOBBIES FOR FLAGS! Watch any fucking pass play that gets broken up and the receiver usually hops up looking for a flag. Someone rushing the passer gets held a little bit and they start looking for a flag. Someone's facemask gets brushed and the runner gets up yanking on on his mask in effort to get the flag. False starts, offsides, fucking everything! So yes, the rules protecting the QBs in the league are a little ridiculous, but let's the cut the shit when it comes to claiming that they can ask for flags are get them on any play. Fuck off, Joey Porter.

And as far the game goes. Pats coming off a bye and Brady taking advantage of injuries to the Miami secondary means this is gonna be another blowout and the Dolphins can shut the fuck up (even though they won't) about the division still going through them. Last year was a fucking fluke, you assholes. And you had the same record as the Pats, who played with Matt Cassel for the entire god damn year. God I fucking hate the Dolphins.

And as a bonus, I'm going to be witnessing the carnage in person. Fuck. Yes. SQUISH THE FISH!

NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Carolina
Thanks to the Panthers for taking out some people in my suicide pools last week. I appreciate it. I don't know if the Saints can go undefeated, but I do get the feeling that they'll be unbeaten when the Pats come to town in a few weeks.

SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit
Yikes. This line scares the shit out of me. Hasselbeck better get this team together and shit all over the Lions or I'm screwed here.

Tennessee (+4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Taking the Titans two weeks in a row? I'm a fucking idiot.

San Diego (+5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Again, no fucking clue. If this game were at 1, I'd take the Giants. But since it's at 4:15, I think the Chargers won't be as fucked by the time change and will send us one step closer to a Tom Coughlin meltdown.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas
I can't wait to watch Roy Williams drop more passes after his dipshit comments earlier in the week. Oh, you're not trying to be a T.O.? Well maybe you should be, because even as T.O. was running his mouth in Dallas, at least he was producing on the fucking field. Jackass.

Pittsburgh (-3) over DENVER
Time for Denver to fade back to the pack and make the race for the 2nd playoff bye wide fucking open.

And just in case you didn't get it the first; I have no mother fucking clue this week. Follow these picks at your own fucking risk.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 8

Alright, Week 8! Maybe there will actually be some games that aren't won by a bazillion god damn points this week!

Home teams in CAPS

Houston (-3.5) over BUFFALO

That was a sneaky little win last week by Dick "Skeletor" Jauron, but this week Jake Delhomme isn't around to pad the defensive stats and they actually have to deal with a real offense. And fucking T.O. Either start producing for my fantasy or start acting like a complete asshole for my entertainment! Right now you're fucking me in BOTH holes!

(Wait, didn't Booze call Mark Few "Skeletor"? He did! Blasephemy, Jauron is the real Skeletor, dickwad!)

CHICAGO (-13.5) over Cleveland

I've seen teams sulk before, but those were the sulkiest bunch of sulks that ever sulked! Chin up, Cutler, this week you can tear the Browns a new asshole. Get it? Browns? Asshole? Also, be sure to fire an errant pass at that fat traitor fuck Mangini for me.

DALLAS (-9.5) over Seattle

I wanted to take the Seahawks here but with Lofa and Walter Jones hitting the IR for good this week, I'm reluctantly taking the 'Boys. Seattle will probably cruise to a win, those erratic shits.

St. Louis (+3.5) over DETROIT

Holy suckfest, Batman! It's fitting that this will be the Rams only win of the season.

INDIANAPOLIS (-12.5) over San Francisco

If Alex Smith plays this entire game I'm going to be shocked. How is this line not at least two touchdowns? I would complain about the Colts' schedule being easy but the Pats just wrapped up a two-game set with teams with a combined record of 0-12 so far.

Miami (+3.5) over New York Jets

A contest of medicore teams that love to run their stupid yappy mouths. And of course, after declaring that they were treating week 2 of the season as the Super Bowl vs. the Pats, the Jets players are now trying to make fun of the Dolphins for celebrating their win over the Jets "like they won the Super Bowl." Hey Pot! Over here! It's Kettle! I fucking loathe these two teams. I hope this ends in a tie, or a bloodbath.

BALTIMORE (-3.5) over Denver

God will somebody beat the fucking Broncos! Get stabby out there, Ray Lewis!

New York Giants (+2.5) over PHILADELPHIA

Playing a fairly sloppy game against the Skins isn't the best warmup for the G-Men. I also think that the New York and Philly are going to split the day, sports-wise, so let's get that out of the way here and let the Phillies win game 4.

(Side note: I don't hate the Yankees. I like to see them beat the Red Sox at times just to watch the Sox fans react like the world is ending. I like that they actually spend money in free agency, even if it is absurd at times. I like that I have Yankees shersey (t-shirt jersey, dummies) from little league that by some miracle still fits me and I can wear it around Boston if I'm feeling feisty. But god damn, something about the Yanks just makes me root against them when it comes to the post season. I really don't know why that is, but even as I sit there in indifference, I'm silently pulling for the Phillies. So there you, Booze and BamaDawg, fuck you! Go Phillies!)

TENNESSEE (-2.5) OVER Jacksonville

I'm taking two winless teams this week? Fuck, I must be delusional or something. And maybe I am, seeing as how I spent the entire day yesterday puking and shitting my guts out. Not good times. I'm now on a steady diet of saltines and pepto. Man, pepto sure does turn your shit black, huh? And aren't you embarrassed if you're the Jags here? The Titans are 0-6, have looked even worst than the Rams, and now here comes Vince Young and they're STILL favored? That's gotta be motivating. Or fucking demoralizing. Let's hope it's the latter.

SAN DIEGO (-16.5) over Oakland

SUICIDE PICK ALERT! After Baltimore takes out Denver, this will be a chance for the Chargers to make up a little ground in the AFC West so bring your fucking A games, people!

Minnesota (+3.5) over GREEN BAY

If the Packer fans cheer Favre, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. BOO HIM! BOO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT OF HIM! MAKE HIM CRY! LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! But on the other hand, Favre is just too much of a dickface to lose this game.

ARIZONA (-9.5) over Carolina

Think Delhomme's gonna have flashbacks when he sees those Cards helmets? It would be rad if he just flipped out and curled into the fetal position and started rocking back and forth, crying and muttering to himself like a lunatic.

NEW ORLEANS (-9.5) over Atlanta

Jesus christ did you seem them storm back against the Dolphins to not only win, but also cover the spread? That was fucking impressive. Matt Ryan may be talented (holy shit someone in the office has an Italian sub or something that smells fucking AMAZING! Fucking saltines) but he's no Drew Brees.