Monday Morning Eff You: January 25, 2010 - The Thank You Edition!

We're doing things a little bit different today here in MMFU. Today it's all about saying thank you, because that was a pretty damn great day of football yesterday. Wanna fight about it?

1. Thank You Brett Favre
Holy fucking shit was that fucking great or was it so fucking awesomely great that it can barely be put in to words?!? The only way that could have been better is if Tracy Porter had taken that interception to the house to end the game, if only to save us from the bitching about the NFL's OT rules.

I'll be honest, I was starting to get worried on that final drive. Can you imagine if the Vikings hadn't completely shit the bed and actually gotten into field goal range and kicked the game winner. The "Favre is a warrior" stories would have broken the internet. I mean, the Saints were fucking PUMMELING him. And yeah, he played up the ankle injury because he's a manipulative piece of shit attention whore, but still, he was getting the fucking shit kicked out of him.

But deep down I knew, we all did, as soon as that play broke down you could just feel it coming. And then BAM! Picked off! I didn't even realize it, but I was cackling like a fucking hyena so loud that Wifey, who was in bed 2 rooms away, texted me asking "What's so funny?" I honestly had no idea I was even laughing. I was just in a state of euphoria. God it was fucking great.

2. Thank You Tom Jackson
We all knew that the media would immediately begin to protect Favre, especially the likes of Chris Berman and Peter King (NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT FAVRE'S DAUGHTER!), but then out of nowhere comes Tom Jackson with possibly the funniest quote of all time:

That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. It's one of the things I admire about him.

Excuse me, but...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus fucking Christ how can someone say that with a straight face? And no one the ESPN crew even blinked. Can you imagine if someone defended anyone else that way? Tony Romo? Jake Delhomme? Jamarcus Russell? They'd probably be fired on the fucking spot. But with Favre? Everyone just nods in agreement. Fucking Favre. What a cock.

But TJ's right, Favre certainly isn't afraid to throw an interception. Especially one that ends his team's season, which he's done for the last three years. How awesome is that? The last pass Favre has thrown in each of the last three seasons has been an interception to crush his team's dreams. It's downright poetic.

Also, TJ's quote kicked off an awesome Twitter trend led by Will Leitch. Check it out for some laughs.

3. Thank You Garrett Hartley
Finally! A kicker with some fucking gonads nails one in the playoffs! When he lined up for the kick and FOX showed that angle from behind the kicker that makes the goal posts look a million miles away MY heart started pounding. I can't even imagine what that was like for the 23-year old who took over midseason from John Carney. And he fucking striped it right down the fucking middle. Well done, kid.

4. Thank You Peyton Manning
Hold on, I just puked all over myself.

Ok, cleaned that up, fucking disgusting. But anyway, so long, New York Jets! In my post on Sunday I said that I'd be rooting for the Colts but the second the game started I just couldn't do it. So I sat back and just enjoyed the game, being happy about whichever team was losing at the moment. It's an interesting way to watch a football game, that's for sure. But in the end, I'm happy the Jets are gone. And I'm even happier that my friends living in New York don't have to deal with the aftermath of the Jets making the Super Bowl.

5. Thank You Everyone Who Played On Sunday
After a pretty shitty run of playoff games, we finally got a day of games worth watching. And I watched every second, at least when I wasn't on the shitter, stupid stomach. Let's all enjoy it until next Monday when the MMFU returns with a fucking vengeance after what is sure to be the worst Pro Bowl ever. And that's saying something.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Championship Games!

Holy shitballs it's Sunday morning and I haven't done my NFL post yet! Fuck me! Alright so let's get right to the games...

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over New York Jets
We could easily change this line to SATAN (-1 GAZILLION) over My Soul. I'm still in shock that the two teams I hate the most in the fucking world are squaring off with a Super Bowl appearance on the line. If there were a god, which this game clearly illustrates there is not, the Jets would win this game. The ironing of the Colts laying down and allowing the Jets into the playoffs only to see the Jets come back and beat them would be delicious. De-li-cious. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.

But more importantly, who would I rather see win this game? Well, neither team, obviously, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I think I'd have to say the Colts. If Manning didn't already have a Super Bowl it would be Jets all the way, or if the Colts weren't complete pussies and were actually undefeated right now. But as it sits now, another Manning Super Bowl win doesn't really bother me that much. He'll still have fewer than Brady, and obviously nothing changes with all of his MVPs and stats and all that bullshit. Whatever.

But the Jets? Oh fucking mercy. We all know their fans are complete and utter fucktards as is, but can you imagine what it would be like if they win a Super Bowl? (Yes, I know, Boston fans are obnoxious. Point taken) Not only that, but a New York win would also bring out every piece of shit fuckhead that roots for whatever New York team happens to be winning at the moment. Jesus christ I fucking hate people like that.

Put it this way, the Colts are gonorrhea and the Jets are herpes. At some point, Peyton Manning is going to retire and the Colts will return to sucking. Eventually, they're going away, just like gonorrhea once you get a shot or take whatever you take to get rid of it. But the Jets? They're in the division, they're here for fucking over. Sure, they may not always be a factor, but every once in a while there's an outbreak and it's the worst thing ever. God I fucking hate the Jets. So there you go, I'm taking gonorrhea over herpes and that's that. Fucking shit.

(Note: all STD knowledge obtained from tv commercials and Eddie Murphy's Delirious)

NEW ORLEANS (-4) over Minnesota
This is it, people. It's going to happen. It's got to happen. It BETTER fucking happen! This is the game where Brett Favre is going fuck the Vikings in the ass. I can feel it in my bones. Oh sure, he said on NFL Live or whatever show that he knows that if the Saints get a couple quick scores that he has to remain patient but we all know the truth about that fucktaster. The Gunslinger is still alive and just waiting to rear it's glorious head at just the right moment to crush the dreams of Vikings fans everywhere. And I'm going to love it. Fucking LOVE it.

The Saints have to win this game. They just do. For the love of all that is holy. Please, New Orleans, save us from two weeks of nonstop Favre. Yes, the Hurricane Katrina storyline is overplayed and annoying, but it's nothing compared to Favre. Fucking. Go. Saints.

Monday Morning Eff You: January 18, 2010

1. Brett Favre
Not only did this motherfucker go out and throw a perfect fucking game against the Cowboys, we had to listen to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman go even more overboard than usual sucking his dick. Fucking A that was infuriating. I didn't even really have a problem with the TD at the end that was completely unnecessary. What pissed me off was that after the score he went running around like a fucking jackass with his arms held high, chest bumping everyone in sight like he had just thrown a game-winning TD. Hey fuckhead, the game's fucking over, how about you just pump your fist once and head to the sidelines like any non-piece of fuck QB out there. Everyone practically shit bricks when the Pats were running up the score in 2007, but at least they weren't celebrating like that fuckhead Favre.

And then to top everything off, he had to go and ruin Pants on the Ground. I haven't seen the clip yet but I'm still enjoying Pants on the Ground and that would fucking destroy it for me, but just knowing that it exists really pisses the shit out of me. Fuck you, Brett Favre!

2. Nate Kaeding
What a little fucking bitch. Introducing the new Mike Vanderjagt, everybody! Fucking money when there's no pressure, and the biggest choke artist of all fucking time when it actually matters. This is the 4th playoff game that Kaeding has pulled a significant choke job in and when you look at him, it's not hard to see why. I feel like my pinky finger could kick his ass. I know kickers aren't supposed to look tough or anything but jesus does he look like a fucking pussy.

3. The playoffs so far
Let's see...6 blowouts, 1 close but pretty fucking boring game, and 1 exciting game. This is not the way it's supposed to be, fuckers! And to make matters worse, we're down to Peyton and the Colts, the fucking Jets, and mother fucking Brett Favre. What a fucking nightmare. I can't even decide who I'd least like to win the Super Bowl, besides the Saints obviously, but there's a good chance that I'm going to want to kill myself by the end of Super Bowl 44. Fuck.

4. The weather
Hey! Nobody fucking told me I was going to wake up to 4 inches of snow and slush and shit all over the place this morning! God fucking damn it. By the time I had finished clearing my car off, which didn't take more than 5 minutes, my feet were completely soaked because it was just warm enough for all the snow to melt into a giant puddle around my car. Then I started driving to work, thinking it wouldn't be too bad because of the holiday but I was wrong. Oh was I fucking wrong. A drive that normally takes less than 30 minutes took a fucking hour and a half. Fucking bullshit.

5. BoozeRob
Finish your fucking Lane Kiffin post you shitheap!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Wild Card Round!

Holy fucking shit, it's fucking playoff time! It's time for the remaining NFL teams to start their journey to name, an actual, legit, undisputed champion. Fuck yeah!

This year's playoffs are going to a bittersweet time for me. You see, at this time next year I'm going to have a 6-7 month old kid wreaking havoc on my life in general and as detailed by Big Daddy Drew and mentioned by The Sports Guy, having a kid or kids around is not conducive to spending all weekend watching playoff football. So this year, I'm watching every fucking game, in it's fucking entirety, no matter what Wifey has to say about it!

Another reason I'm fired up is that I've made a commitment to make a different slow cooker dish for each day of the playoffs. For the past 2 and a half years, I've used the slow cooker a few times a year to make my world famous chili. It's fucking delicious and awesome, no matter what my ass has to say the next day. It's a price well worth paying. But chili is the only thing I've ever cooked in the crock pot, which is kinda fucking stupid. Because pretty much anything you cook in a crock pot is fucking amazing, and even better, it's amazingly easy to cook. You just throw a bunch of shit in the slow cooker and let it fucking slow cook.

Our first dish of the playoffs is Slow Cooker BBQ Beef, which is kind of like a beef version of pulled pork, sort of. I prepared everything last night and then got up at 7 this morning and hucked it all in the pot. In about 9 hours I'm going to be stuffing my face with some awesome bbq beef sandwiches. Fuck. Yes. Tomorrow is going to be beef stew. Simple, yet awesome.

Let's get to the fucking games, shall we?

Home team in CAPS

CINCINNATI (-2.5) over New York Jets
In a wild card round filled with good matchups, this is the one shit bomb. Cincy fucking limped to the playoffs after starting the year so well and the Jets only got in because the Colts are a bunch of fucking piece of shit pussies and because the Bengals didn't give a shit about trying for the 3rd seed on Sunday night.

The focus here is obviously going to be on SanCHEZ (why can't some announcers say his fucking name right? Fucking dickheads, there's no emphasis on the CHEZ!) and how he handles his first ever playoff start. Well, I say he doesn't handle it well. I also think Ochocinco is going to have a fairly good game against Revis. Ocho was embarrassed last weekend and I think we've reached the point where the hype surrounding "Revis Island" is too high and he gets knocked down a peg in the most important game of the season.

And one more thing, I can't believe people actually got worked about Rex Ryan saying he thought his Jets should be the Super Bowl favorites. First of all, it's that fat fuck Rex Ryan, so anything he says should be taken only half-seriously (unless he's being a whiny little bitch, or crying, then you can take him seriously), and second, what the fuck do you expect him to say? It's nice to have a coach show some confidence in his team, even it is a bunch of false bravado from a fat fucking dipshit.

But, having said all that, doesn't it sound like delicious karma for the Jets to just get destroyed here so we can all hope that some reporter has the balls to ask Rexy about being the Super Bowl favorites? Holy fuck that would be the greatest thing ever.

Update! Thanks to Adam Schefter and Twitter we now have this piece of hilariousness:

Adam_Schefter When Rex Ryan showed the Jets their month-long playoff itinerary, it included the Super Bowl parade on Feb. 9. Players loved it

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! If there is a god the Jets will get creamed and someone will bring this up postgame. Please let this happen. I don't ask for much.

Philadelphia (+4) over DALLAS
People, it's your last fucking chance to hit that mother fucking video board! I'm so disappointed by this. After all the preseason controversy I couldn't fucking wait for this thing to be pummeled by punt after punt after punt. Fucking Jerry Jones. They raised the video board for a U2 concert without any fucking problem at all, but they couldn't do it for the NFL? Fuck you, Jerry Jones! And now, it doesn't even fucking matter because not one single punter even came close to nailing it. Fucking lame.

As for the game, (and the other NFC game for that matter) I have absolutely no fucking clue what to expect. I'm just pumped to watch what should be an exciting game of big plays, big fuckups, and big fat fucking coaches. I'm going with Philly only because I think they'll bounce back from last week's stinkbomb, which didn't get skewered by the media nearly enough. I mean, a win gets them the 2nd seed and a first round by and they come out flat and score zero points? Fucking pathetic.

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Baltimore
I'll admit that I'm fucking nervous about this game. Like, really nervous. But I think the Pats do enough to win. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that Randy Moss has a big game here. 10+ catches, 100+ yards and at least one TD. And of course, the refs will fuck Baltimore over cuz that's what they always do, right?

There are other things at stake here as well, the most important being my playoff beard. Well, "beard" may not be the best description of what I've got going on with my facial hair at the moment. It's pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's also hilarious and awesome and I love it. The wife? She does not love it. And that's a fucking understatement. But hey, it's my fucking playoff beard and I'm fucking keeping it until the Pats are out. And that fucking better not be Sunday.

So without further ado, here it is: My playoff beard, started December 31, 2009 at 7am. Now with extra nose hair!


ARIZONA (PK) over Green Bay
I'm sorry, I can't take Green Bay vs. Favre again. I just can't. And I don't think the football gods can either. It can't happen. It won't happen. And that's that.

Then again, like I said before, I have absolutely no fucking clue what's going to happen in the NFC.

It's going to be a fucking rad playoff season, people. Enjoy the fucking ride!

Happy New Year! And The Late Late Edition of MMFU

Hey everyone! Happy fucking New Year! Some people love New Year's Eve, others fucking hate it, I fall somewhere in the middle. House party NYEs were always my favorite. It's pretty much all people that you know and like. There's usually a few prospects for drunken hooking up and best of all, the booze is free and easy to access. Heading downtown to an "open" bar for $100+? Well you are a fucking sucker. Jesus christ there is no worse NYE experience than shit like that. You pay a fuckload of money to get in and of course the bar is at max capacity so it takes a half hour to get a drink and then some drunk meathead bumps you and spills your drink everywhere and you're back at square one. Plus it's always 1000 degrees in there. Just a giant clusterfuck all around, including trying to find a cab at the end of the night. Just terrible. But even with all of that, it's still a night out getting drunk and that's fine with me.

What I don't get are the people who actively hate NYE. Booze and I have a friend who fucking despises NYE and bitches about it every fucking year. Well, at least he used to before the three of us moved to different corners of the country. It was fucking annoying and I wanted to slap him in the balls every time he started ranting. I mean, yeah, it's not the greatest night in the world but it's an excuse to go get fucking blind drunk so what the fuck are you bitching about?

This year my night is going to be pretty god damn tame. Wifey is 22 weeks pregnant so she obviously isn't going to be involved in any wild shenanigans, and quite frankly, I'm still exhausted from hosting 18 family members at our apartment for Christmas dinner. So the plan is to go out for a nice dinner and then come home and play Band Hero and Mario Party while I pound down a couple bottles of champagne. None for you, Woman!

My apologies for the lack of posting over the last week. Hey, it's the fucking holidays and I'm fucking lazy. Plus I just got a Droid (fuck yeah!) and all of my free time is now spent downloading apps and checking twitter and shit on the Droid while my laptop sits 2 feet away fully capable of doing the exact same stuff.

Anyway, since there was no MMFU this week, let's air some grievances right here about stuff from the last week that deserves that giant middle finger. Where's my buddy?




There he is! Let's do this fucking thing.

1. The Indianapolis Colts
What a bunch of fucking pussies. Let's get this straight right now, this was not a case of resting the starters to get ready for the playoffs. This was that fucking gorilla piece of shit whiny cocksucking douchebag crybaby Bill Polian and his ventriloquist dummy Jim Caldwell completely pussing out about possibly going 16-0. If you're going to rest your players, fucking do it. Don't play your big guns past the halfway mark of the 3rd quarter and then give the game away. Fucking pathetic. "Oh shit! We're about to go 15-0! We can't have that. Better put in Curtis Painter right fucking now!"

I fucking hate Colts fans, but kudos to them for booing the shit out of the team after that decision was made. How many 14-0 teams have ever been booed in their own stadium? And kudos to everyone who called in to Bill Polian's show to bitch him out so much that he ended the show early because, like he showed on Sunday, he's a fucking coward.

Yes, you could argue that going for 19-0 put so much pressure on the Pats that it ultimately cost them the Super Bowl. But that's a ridiculously different situation than the Colts were in at this point. The Patriots were already the most hated team in the NFL going in to the 2007 season thanks to the 3 Super Bowl wins earlier in the decade. Then Spygate happened. Then all of the running up the score shit happened. Then Mercury Morris was on tv every week. Then they became the first team every to go 16-0. Then Randy Moss faced domestic violence accusations during the playoffs. Then on the day before the Super Bowl John fucking Tomase came out with the bullshit story about filming the Rams' walk through before Super Bowl 36.
Now let's take a look at what the Colts faced this year...um, nothing? Have you even heard a peep from Mercury this year? I mean if HE doesn't give a shit about the Colts going 16-0 then no one does!
Ultimately I'm super fucking happy that Polian and Caldwell made this decision because it created a shitstorm of negativity and bad karma that never would have happened had they just done the logical thing and not played any starters for the entire game against the Jets or even Buffalo.

2. ESPN
This has been discussed on every blog on the planet but I just wanted to mention how disgusting the coverage of Brett Favre was on Monday night. I think Gruden and Jaworski have Favre real dolls in the booth so they can figuratively fuck him in the ass while giving him an on air blow job for the entire game. Thank god for Adrian Petersen and his fumbly ways.

3. The three other people left in my suicide pool
Fucking LOSE! Jesus christ how the fuck does this happen? Every year I'm out by fucking week 4 and this year I make it all the way to the end and there are 3 other people with me? Bullshit! My pick this week is the Niners and if there is any certainty in life, it's that I'll make it through 16 weeks of suicide picks only to lose in the final week and miss out on the money. Fuck.

4. BoozeRob
Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything in a week but you know what? At least I'm fucking working or playing with my Droid (the phone) ( and my penis), but this fucking guy has just been sitting at home with his broken ankle for the past 3 weeks all he's managed is a half-assed DOTW post about Mike Holmgren? Fucking A, man! As Peter King would you say, you define laziness. You'd think we could get a picks column for the upcoming bowl games but that's not gonna happen. Booze is going to a wedding tonight and the odds of him getting drunk and fucking up his ankle even more have been taken off the board in Vegas.

Rebuttal from Boozerob:
Fuck you, I'm on Vacation. Bitch at BamaDawg and his 7 collective posts. Then again he is in Missouri for a wedding. Speaking of weddings, I've  been busy the last week doing wedding stuff all week for a wedding I'm going to tonight. So fuck you. And seriously, way to get a fucking smart phone FINALLY. Welcome to 2002 you red headed fuck.

5. Urban Meyer, Mike Leach and every other big name college football coach
These guys are fucking assholes. Can we stop being surprised when they do shit like quit the team for health reasons and family first bullshit and then flip flop the next day. Or when they stuff concussed kids in closets or whatever the fuck happened down in Texas. Seriously, that story is out of control and I don't know what to fucking think. But seriously, let's cut the shit with these guys. They're all jerks who are in a position of power so fuck yeah they're gonna act like jerks! I sure as fuck would!

6. Week 17 Picks
Fucking crapshoot. Every fucking year. So no picks column this week. I'll be back for the playoffs.

7. The Mark Show
I'd say this post is long enough, eh? I'm fucking tired.
I hope everyone has a great night. Just don't get so drunk that you piss in the dryer (Booze) or worse (Mark Show).