Holy shit what a fucking game on ESPN tonight. The Oregon State Beavers roll into Autzen Stadium to take on the hated Oregon Ducks in the annual Civil War. What makes this game different? Well the winner gets the Pac-10 BCS birth.
As a Pac-10 fan, I never thought I would see the day that the fucking Civil War determined who would head to Pasadena. Oregon State is traditionally one of the worst teams in the league until a late 90's resurgence to the program. Now Head Coach Mike Riley has his Beavs playing as well as anyone in the country.
This is a battle of two insanely explosive offenses. The Ducks are led by Jeremiah Masoli who is as dangerous a running threat as anyone in the country. However, Masoli struggles to throw the ball when under pressure and unfortunately for him, OSU has a relentless and hard hitting defense with an explosive pass rush.
What about the Beavs? Well look no further than the Rodgers brothers for the source of their power. James (WR) and Jacquizz(RB) Rodgers lead a dynamic attack which also includes a dramatically improved Sean Canfield. If the Ducks have any hopes of winning, they will need to find a way to slow down the Oregon State offense.
So, who gets the edge in this game? Given the game is at Autzen stadium, you would almost certainly have to give the edge to the Ducks. Not me though. That's right, I picking the Beavs. Not because I fucking hate Oregon. No the key to beating Oregon is a running game and a physical defense. Guess what? The Beavers have both.
Oregon State 31 - Oregon 30
Need another reason to tune in? Well Oregon has the hottest fucking Cheerleaders in the country.
First of all, yes we are alive. We simply needed a weekend of heavy drinking and football before we came back to deal with all of the hate mail and offers of dirty, unprotected sex.
So settle the fuck down... We aren't going anywhere.
Anyway, the UCLA and USC game this weekend was fucking awesome. The game was seemingly over as USC took a knee up two scores with just under a minute to go, but Slick Rick called a timeout thinking that he had a fucking chance to win the game. What happened next was priceless... Old Pete showed little Ricky why UCLA is still USC's little bitch.
Some people are calling Pete an asshole for having the stones to run a play action bomb when the game was clearly over, but I think it was fucking awesome. Lets be real, UCLA had no fucking chance and Rick was just being a dick about it. USC did exactly what they should have done and went for the final, undeniable nail in the coffin. Apparently Rick didn't think the game was over, so why should USC? Well they didn't, and Pete Carroll just shoved his foot right up Neuheisel's asshole.
My favorite part of the clip is the UCLA players trotting out to midfield to taunt the Trojan players. Mother fuckers, you are getting your asses kicked on the field, what makes you think you could take 85 superior athletes in a brawl? You couldn't. So sit the fuck down. If you want to be pissed, be pissed at your Coach who put you in this situation. USC took a fucking knee and your Coach refused to accept defeat.
One thing is for sure, it's a fucking rivalry between the teams and the coaches and a little more gas was just thrown on the fire. Maybe it's time for UCLA to take out another full page ad...
4-0 last week, improving my picks record to 12-4. Look, I'll be the first to admit I cherry picked the shit out of those fucking games last week, so this week I vow to make it a little more difficult on myself. I'm taking games where anything could happen.
Stay tuned, its about to get crazy in here.
#25 Cal @ #17 Stanford
7:30 PM ET, No TV
Line: Stanford -8
Well shit, remember when I said that I wasn't going to cherry pick? Well apparently I lied. With Cal running back Jahvid Best out of the game due to a nasty landing against Oregon State a few weeks back, this game really lost some of its star power. That being said, don't count out the Bears just yet. They are coming off of an impressive victory of the then #17 Arizona Wildcats and have been getting outstanding production from backup RB Shane Vereen.
That being said, take the Tree in this one. The backfield combo of Andrew Luck and Toby Gerhart will just be too much for the Bears to overcome. I'm thinking the Tree win this one and pray for an Oregon loss to Arizona.
The real question is, will Cal track star Allison Stokke make the trip across the bay to watch the game....
Stanford 28 - Cal 17
Uconn @ Notre Dame
Charlie's Death March Continues
2:30 PM ET, NBC
Line: ND -6
Oh boy, wouldn't this be great to see that fat fuck Charlie lose yet another game at home to a team he has no business losing to. Well it could happen. In fact, I think it will happen.
This ND team is on its last legs. Sure they are bowl eligible, but with all the media attention swirling around who is going to take over for that fat asshole of a coach, do they really care? Probably not. In fact, I bet this is the week that the players just mail it in. Who gives a fuck anyway? Not Jimmy Speedo.... he's looking to the draft.
Uconn is going to need to control the clock by grinding it out on the ground. That means their two headed monster in the back field of Jordan Todman and Andre Dixon need to come up big. I bet anyone a nickel they will.
Don't worry Charlie, just think how many blocks of cheese you can get with your enormous gunt buyout!
Note: Surprisingly (or not) I couldn't find one hot chick for either ND or UConn. So I give you Bar. Enjoy
UPSET ALERT
Conn 24 - ND 23
#14 Penn State @ Michigan State
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Line: Michigan State +3
Joe-Pa and his degenerate hips roll into East Lansing this week hoping to keep their BCS bowl hopes alive. Really? BCS? Did anyone see how absolutely fucking terrible Penn State looked last week against Indiana?
FUCKING INDIANA!
Forget getting to a BCS bowl... I'm wondering if the Nitanny Lions win another fucking game this season.
Michigan State has won 4 of their last 6 at home in this series since 1997. MSU has the slight edge in yards per game with just over 279 of those yards coming through the air. MSU QB Kirk Cousins has been stellar this season throwing for 17 TD's to only 5 int's.
I keep telling myself that Penn State has a ball busting defense, but then they go and struggle against a lousy Indiana team. I don't think they have what it takes to stop Cousins, and I don't think they will put up the points to match. Look for the Spartans in a shocker.
UPSET ALERT
MSU 24 - Penn State 21
GAME OF THE WEEK! #11 Oregon @ Arizona
8:00 PM ET, ABC
Line: Arizona +7
ESPN Gameday is making their first appearance in Tucson this week to bring us a battle between the Arizona Wildcats and the mother fucking Oregon Fucks. I hate those diamond plated wearing fucking tools.
Many of you maybe surprised to learn that Arizona actually has more total offense per game that Oregon. That's right. The Cats average 429.2 to Whoregon's 414.8. Neat huh? That being said, Oregon holds a decisive lead on the ground bringing the nations number 6 rushing attack to town to face off against a Zona team that is trying to keep its hopes of a first ever Rose Bowl alive.
Two great QB's in this one. I'm sure most of you have heard of Jeremiah Masoli for Oregon, but what about Zona's QB Nick Foles? This sophomore QB completes nearly 70% of his passes and runs a potent Wildcat offense like he's been there for years.
Big dreams on the line in this game. If Oregon can win out they are smelling roses for the first time since 1994. If Zona wins, we have a logjam at the top of the Pac 10 with Stanford, Zona, and the Beavs right there with the Quacks for a trip to Pasadena.
My pick? Well I told you I had a theme today....
Biggest game ever in Tucson = Biggest Win ever for the Cats
UPSET ALERT
Arizona 45 - Oregon 42
That's right. Three fucking upsets this week. Cherry pick that mother fuckers.
Charlie you fat arrogant fuck. You don't have a job. You lost to Navy... at home. You almost lost to fucking UW... at home. Why the fuck would ND bring you back next year?
The brass balls at ND have already said the rumored massive buyout is not an issue. Not to mention that Notre Dame went out of their fucking way to block their team plane from FlightAware.com, a popular (and my favorite) flight tracking website. Why would they do that if they weren't trying to cover their tracks for future interviews?
Translation = You're fucking fucked.
It's time to start looking for another job that can pay for massive gunt's addiction to the extra large Meat Lover's pizza.
So I guess I was moderately successful last Saturday picking 3 of 4 right only losing on fucking Penn State laying an egg against the Buckeyes. Good news is that I'm sitting pretty at 8-4. That's right, I'm fucking bowl eligible. Everyone who told me it was impossible to turn it around can eat a steaming pile of BamaDawg's shit.
But I digress, we are here for one reason... COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS!
Fuck yeah!
#16 Utah @ #4 TCU
The "Hey everyone look at us!" Bowl, Part II.
7:30 PM ET, No TV. Are you surprised? Who gives a fuck?
Line: TCU -17.5
Well ESPN Gameday makes yet another trip to the Mountain West Conference to try their best to hype up a game that no one outside of the MWC really gives a fuck about.
Seriously, who cares? Well I do. Why? Because TCU fucking sucks. I hate TCU.
I know this one asshole from TCU who tells everyone about how he has his MBA from TCU and just spouts off endless bullshit that no one gives two shits about. This fucking guy says in 17 paragraphs what a regular person says in two words.
Furthermore, how the fuck is a frog intimidating? Who decided it would be a good idea to have a god damn frog leading the charge each weekend? Oh you put horns on it, now its tough! Look the fuck out. You know who else like frogs? The fucking French. TCU is the fucking France of College Football. Congrats you frog fucks.
It also appears that Frogs are the zoo's dirty little bitch.
And then there's this one...
Unfortunately, I think the chimp blowing Frenchy Frogs win.
TCU 35 - Utah 10
Idaho @ #6 Boise State RIVALRY GAME
3:30 PM ET, ESPNU
Line: Boise State -28
Why am I commenting on this game? Two reasons. One, I grew up in Idaho and still root for Boise State despite their fans turning into annoying assholes like the douche bags from Gonzaga. Two, UW beat Idaho earlier this year. So my thinking is if Idaho couldn't be a UW team that sucks dick, then how the fuck are they going to beat Boise State? Oh that's right... it's a rivalry! Anything can happen in a rivalry!
Well not this rivalry.
Boise State hasn't lost to Idaho since 1998 when the Vandal's squeaked one out in overtime. If the Vandal's secondary couldn't handle the offense of UW, then I don't see anyway that they could possibly stop Kellen Moore and the rest of the Bronco onslaught.
My favorite part of this game is going to be the post game bitching on Facebook where a number of my Vandal friends are going to say some stupid shit about "Donkey State" and complain about how they got fucked by the ref's or some dumb shit.
Let's get this out of the way early Vandal fans... FUCK YOU!
Boise State 45 - Idaho 13
Notre Dame @ #12 Pittsburgh
Can Charlie survive a trip to the field named for his favorite condiment?
8:pm ET, ABC From Heinz Field!
Line: Pitt -7
Charlie Cheeseburger and his enormous gunt roll into the home of the Pittsburgh Steelers this week to take on Dave Wannstedt's #12 Panthers. More importantly this is just another step in Charlie Weis's death march as the Domers waddle to another non-BCS season.
This game features not one but two premier QB's in ND's Jimmy "Speedo" Clausen and Pitt's little known Bill Stull. While that sounds like a recipe for a shootout, I'm betting this one stays close until the 4th quarter (or as Charlie knows it, time for pizza) until the Panther running game completely wears out ND.
Yeah Charlie, that's just another nail in your coffin.
Pitt 24 - ND 14
GAME OF THE WEEK: #10 Iowa @ #11 Ohio State
Inside track for the Roses is on the line in Columbus.
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Line: Ohio State -17
After Terrelle Pryor made me look like a dick last week by dismantling Penn State, I would have been tempted to suck it up and just take Ohio State this week over the Hawkeyes. Now with Iowa coming off a loss to Northwestern and without their starting QB Ricky Stanzi, I think this one is going to be a fucking laugher.
It's going to take a titanic effort from the defense if Iowa hopes to pull this one out at the Horseshoe. Iowa currently ranks 82nd in the NCAA in total offense and well over half of that came from Stanzi's arm. Can backup QB James Vandenberg lead the Hawkeyes to a win? I will eat BamaDawg's shit if they do. There is no fucking chance.
Look for Pryor and the rest of the Buckeyes to roll.
Oregon and the Pac 10 today reinstated tailback LeGarrette Blount who has been suspended since a week 1 freak out after a total ass-kicking on the Smurf Turf by Boise State.
Is anyone really shocked by this? Oregon is the dirtiest fucking program in all of College Football. I don't care so much about the punch, but his fucking freak out after the punch is what deserved the season long suspension. Anytime a player in any sport attempts to go after the fucking crowd he should get the boot.
Coincidentally, the announcement of Blount's reinstatement comes after Oregon's backup running back LaMichael James was banged up during last weeks curb stomping by the might Tree of Stanford. Weird. Good thing for College Football that Blount is fat shell of himself.
By the way, what's with all the players with "La" or "Le" in front of their first names? I guess thats what you get from College Football's version of Project Runway.
Holy motherfucking tits what a great day of college football!
First, those little fucksticks from Iowa finally used up their ninth life and couldn't come back for the 100th fucking week in a row. And Boise State gladly moves up a spot in the BCS. Thanks, Northwestern!
Then, Oregon waltzes into Stanford, still drunk from celebrating the shitbeating of USC last week and promptly shits all over the field. And Boise State gladly listens to the silence as all the fucking douchebag pieces of shit like Dan Shanoff shut the fuck up about how Oregon should have been ranked higher than BSU, regardless of the head to head result. Seriously, this is a sport where the media constantly criticizes the system, and rightly so, because championships are decided by the voters, and not on actual game results, and yet here is a situation where two teams actually played each other and they are just completely discounting the results. No wonder college football is so fucked. The dickheads running the show are incompetent, and the media is even fucking worse. Fuck.
And finally, Notre Dame loses to Navy. At home. Thank. Fucking. God. If those Irish pricks had weaseled their way into a BCS bowl only to crushed for the millionth time it would have been absolutely outrageous. Fuck Notre Dame.
(By the way, I did a google image search for "nelson haha" to get that picture. An entire page of different variations came up. Except for one picture, that was just three naked dudes in various states of arousal. So, thanks for that, google. Jerks.)
Holy shit! I was 3-1 last week. Big fuck you to USC for ruining my perfect weekend. What this means is that I'm 5-3 for the year.. you could say I'm the fucking Seattle Mariners of picking college football. If you did, I would kick you squarely in the face. Don't think I could do it? Well fuck you, last night I had a dream I was in the UFC. My record? 2-0. That's right... 2 and fucking 0. I beat the first fuck with a triangle choke then I demolished the the second asshole in a fight I'm pretty sure was ripped off from Rocky V. You remember the street fight against Tommy Gunn right? Well that was me complete with Rocky's spinning trip maneuver. I'm pretty sure I even had the montage where Drago killed my BFF.
YOU TOUCH ME I SUE!
Anyway, back to my shitty football picks. Once again as always, if you gamble with my picks you deserve to fucking die.... and you owe me 50% of your winnings.
#16 Ohio State at #11 Penn State
The Battle for Terrelle Pryor's Vagina
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Line: Penn State -5
"The crowd is going to be against us, especially against me," Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor said of a showdown with Big Ten title implications.
Terrelle Pryor (pictured right in his sexy blue undies) is a genius. Who would think that the whole crowd would be against him in a road game? There might be a long list of reasons why this guy is College Football's most overrated QB, but being sharp as a tack isn't one of them. I heard if you put down a page of first grade math questions in front of Professor Terrelle, the fucker can have them done for you within a week. A fucking week! How can you compete with that?
Well the crowd has some ideas... call him Terrelle "Cry-er". Oh shit! No they didn't! This game is about to cross the line. When did it become appropriate to mock someones last name? That really fucking stings. What better way to really get back at the local boy who picked a team from Ohio over the hometown Nittany Lions.
Won't someone think of the children?
ESPN is billing this game as a Big 10 Title elimination game with the loser surely to be out of the run for the Roses. Neither team really has the dynamic offense with the ability to control the game from start to finish. That being said, look for a swarming Penn State defense fueled by a wild crowd to completely shut down Cry-er.
Penn State 31 - Fuckeyes 13
#24 Oklahoma at Nebraska
Fuck you as always Oklahoma
8:00 PM ET, ABC & ESPN Gameplan
Line: Oklahoma -6
Big game Bob Stoops travels to Lincoln to take on his good friend Bo Pelini in a battle that no one outside of the midwest gives two shits about.
Rather than analysis (Oklahoma fucking sucks.. there I'm done), I'm just going to rant. No not about how Oklahoma is full of illiterate sand bagging fucks. No I'm ranting about Nebraska. I fucking miss Nebraska. Seriously why is Nebraska messing with this pro style offense bullshit? I miss the days when Nebraska would roll out the option and dare you to stop it. So what if their QB couldn't throw the ball to save his life? They had 17 running backs and 5 fullbacks out there running 70 different ways to the endzone. That's impossible you say? Well fuck you. This is my rant. Not yours.
Both teams enter the game at 5-3 though Faglahomo holds a one game lead in the conference standings. Last year the Sooners pounded Nebraska in Norman, and I'm betting that the Big Red will be looking for some revenge.
With the Nebraska faithful cheering them on, I'm taking the Cornhuskers to squeak out the upset as Big Game Bob lays another egg.
Nebraska 28 - Asspounders 27
Washington @ UCLA
Coach Sark meets the last coach at UW to win the fucking Rose Bowl
3:30 PM ET, FSN Northwest or some stupid shit
Line: UCLA -4.5
Oh the story lines... Washington has not won at the Rose Bowl in 15 years (outside of the 2001 Rose Bowl), Slick Rick Neuheisal against his old team, UCLA QB Kevin Prince against the team he was committed to until just days before signing day, and of course Washington QB Jake Locker's sore thigh. How is a game like this not on national TV??
Oh thats righ, both teams fucking suck. Fuck.
Well either way, bowl hopes are on the line for each team here as both sit at 3-5, a mere 3 wins away from a glorious birth in a shitty bowl. Surprisingly, Washington has the edge in offense over UCLA's anemic attack. However UCLA QB Kevin Prince came alive last week in the second half throwing for over 300 yards against the the Oregon State Beavers (lol). Good news for Bruins fans is that Washington may have the worst secondary in the Pac 10 and couldn't manage a pass rush to save their fucking lives.
Washington's hopes fall on the thigh of Star QB Jake Locker. Locker suffered what was described as a deep bruise during the complete dismantling at the hands of Oregon two weeks ago. Can Jake rebound? Will he be able to run? More importantly, will he learn to throw to his own team?
I'm betting no.
UCLA 35 - Washington 24
GAME OF THE WEEK #9 LSU @ #3 Alabama
The "I kiss my sweetie with my fist" bowl
3:30 PM ET, CBS
Line: BAMA! -9.0
Whoa nelly! This should be a good one deep in the heart of the South. Alabama Coach Nick Saban is hosting his former school in what is sure to be a battle of tough as nails defenses. The only stat you need to know for this game? Scoring defense.
Alabama - 5th
LSU - 7th
The Crimson Tide only allow 65 yards per game on the ground and have not allowed a rushing TD in the past seven games. To top it off, BAMA! is tied for the league lead in sacks. LSU on the other hand has only allowed one TD in the past 2 games. Something has to give in this match up, my bet is its LSU's D. Why? Well Bama's offense is ranked #33 in the country while LSU is a miserable #100. That is terrible. Against a D like the Tide's? Thats a fucking nightmare. I saw LSU first hand this season when they traveled to Seattle to play UW and I was not impressed with their offense. They managed only 31 points against a secondary that has been absolutely shredded in every other game this season. Good job Les Miles!
My prediction? Roll mother fucking Tide. At least I hope so for Ricky's sake.
1) Oregon makes me sad.
2) Scotch can make you think a girl is a guy...
You read that last one right.
I avoided College Football for most of the weekend because I couldn't stand to see anymore hype surrounding the Oregon Fucks and their game against USC. Actually it was kind of nice. I played video games, hung out with the wife... it was a nice little Saturday.
Until kickoff anyway. Big thanks to USC for showing up.
600 fucking yards. Almost 400 of that was rushing! It was USC's worst loss since 1997.
Fuck.
So what did I learn? Well Oregon is legit. If it wasn't for Boise State we would be talking about Florida vs. Oregon in a BCS title game full of spread option faggotry. The worst part about this is that it's only a matter of time of before the Duck killing Broncos are passed in the polls by the Ducks.
Oh college football... no one ever said you were fair.
Anyway that brings us to number two on the things I learned this weekend. Some of you out there may have been aware that Saturday was also Halloween (Bamadawg hates Halloween for some fucked up reason). Well this year I started the celebration around 6 pm with a huge glass of scotch followed by a bottle of wine with the wife and another huge glass of scotch while watching Anchorman on DVD. By the time we left for the bar I was already doing my drunken dance which is kind of mix between dumbfuck line dancing and river dance.
Oh, did I mention I was dressed as a beer keg? Seriously. I even had a functioning tap on my head filled with beer that leaked all over the fucking place.
Anyway we get to the bar and the first thing I do is promptly drop a glass on the floor which fucking explodes in shock and awe generating a chorus of boo's from the crowd... including the asshole who was dressed as Adam and was basically butt fucking naked. Thanks for the show fuckstick.
Two pitchers and about six beers from my head tap later, I was lit. I mean lit the fuck up. I was at the point just before you black out and everything gets a little blurry. I needed to sit down so I hit up some table and my wife came by to check on me. Keep in mind my wife was there for the entire show that was about to happen. So here it began, over walks an extremely gothed out person who sits at our table. I swear to god it was a guy. Being the drunken asshole I am, I thought it would be hilarious to yell out "I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH HER!". Well my wife loved that immediately asking what the fuck I was thinking.
My response?
Me: "DUDE ITS A FUCKING GUY! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"
Wife: "That's not a guy."
Me: "Bullshit, look harder that's a fucking dude."
Wife: "I know her, that's a girl."
Oh fuck.
I squinted trying hard to get the two blurry images to line up, and BAM! it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a girl. That's right, I was the asshole at the table. Suddenly I was totally fucking sober and had to explain to the wife my logic in assuming it was a guy. I would have been better off just standing up and doing my drunk dickface jig some more.
For the rest of the night, I made small talk with the he/she, trying to show her that I was in fact not an asshole. I'm not really sure if she heard me say she was a guy or not, but she definitely heard me yell I want to make out with you.
All in all, it was a nice little Saturday filled with a Duck thrashing of USC and me accusing some chick of being a cross dressing dude.
Then I woke up on Sunday to watch the Seahawks get dismantled by the Cowboys.
Well its Friday, and that means more College Football tomorrow! I was 2-2 last week thanks to Auburn and Oregon. Honestly I should have seen Oregon coming, but the homer in me had to take the Dawgs for the upset.
Whoops.
Anyway, on to this weeks picks!
*Note: As always, if you gamble from my picks you deserve to fucking die.
#3 Texas @ #14 Oklahoma State
Fuck the entire state of Oklahoma. Seriously.
8 pm ET, ABC
Line: Texas -9.5
No beating around the bush on this. Texas wins, and I think Texas wins big. No Dez Bryant = Who fucking cares for the Cowboys. So what if the Horns can't run the ball? Colt McCoy (Bonus! Supposedly thats his girl on the left) is going to have a goddamn field day with the OSU defense. If the Cowboys have any hope, they need to hit McCoy early and hit him often. Take the Horns and the points.
Texas 34 - Okie State 14
Washington St @ #17 Notre Dame - In San Antonio, Texas!
The "Why the fuck is this game in Texas?" Game of the Week.
7:30 pm ET, NBC
Notre Dame -27.5 (HA!)
Seriously, why the fuck is this game in Texas? Maybe because WSU is the worst draw in college football? Seriously this is a team that can't fill its own 30k seat stadium in a town with nothing to fucking do. I could only imagine Notre Dame wanting to put a patsy on the schedule but not wanting to subject their home crowd to the absolute shittiness of Coach Paul Wulff's squad. This team is so fucking bad, I would be surprised if they cross the 50 at any point in the first half.
Jimmy Clausen should have an absolute field day against an atrocious Cougar defense, further cementing himself as the best QB to have worn a speedo in College Football. Look for Golden Tate to have a repeat performance of his orgasm against the other team from Washington earlier this year.
Take touchdown Jesus for the big win.
ND 45 - WSU 3
#25 Mississippi @ Auburn
The "Dueling Banjo's" Game of the Week
12:21 PM ET, ESPN 360
Line:Auburn -4.5
First of all, fuck you Auburn for last week. I pull out the War Eagle and you fuckers get stomped by LSU? We're done, Auburn. It's over. That was the last time I let you fuck me over.
Ah who am I kidding.... I'm a sucker for southern bitches the War Eagle. Thats right, I can quit you like Lindsey Lohaan can quit doing blow.
It's no secret that Auburn's defense has struggled all season, the real surprise has been the steady decline of it's offense. Auburn managed only 10 points last week against LSU (fuck) and they're riding a three game losing streak. Ole Miss on the other hand is riding a two game win streak and RB Dexter McCluster is coming off a career game against Arkansas (137 yds Rec 1 TD, 123 yards Rushing). All signs in this game are pointing to an Ole Miss "upset", but I'm betting on the home crowd to fuel the Tigers to a win.
Auburn 24 - Ole Miss 21
GAME OF THE WEEK! #5 USC @ #10 Oregon
The "Any chance a fucking asteroid destroys the stadium?" Bowl
8:00 PM ET, ABC
Line: USC -4
I've been thinking about this game for a couple of days now since Whoregon Oregon fans everywhere are calling this the "most important home game in our history." First of all, thats fucking pathetic. For a program that has supposedly accomplished so much since their entrance to big time football in 1994, (Ask any Duck fan, they have no idea what happened with their sorry program before Kenny Wheatons pick.) you would think they would have BCS Championships. Maybe even a couple of Rose Bowls... No, they have Sun Bowls. Neat.
Anyway, Oregon is hosting USC this week for what will certainly decide the Pac 10 title and a Rose Bowl birth (which Oregon hasn't won since sometime back in the early 1900's. Someone check the cave paintings...). Jeremiah Masoli and the Oregon offense rode a huge third quarter to squash hated rival UW last week while USC squeaked by Oregon State at home.
Is there a chink in the Trojan armor? Sure. I mean the Huskies beat them.
However, Oregon has a huge task this week of trying to score on a swarming USC defense. The last time Oregon played a team that put constant pressure on Masoli and their gimick offense, LeGarette Blount threw a punch that shocked no one familiar with the program.
Autzen stadium shouldn't bother Trojan Freshman QB Matt Barkley who performed admirably at The Ohio State University earlier this season, but then again you never know for sure how someone will react when a bottle of piss is thrown on them.
This game comes down to Defense. Oregon's D has been stellar, but USC's could replace the Detroit Lions and not miss a fucking beat. I'm taking the Trojans in this one, but I wouldn't be shocked if Oregon steals this one and runs for the Roses. If that happens, look for me standing out on the street waving my dick at traffic. Thats what happens when you polish off a half G of Johnny Walker.
Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction. Let's get this fucker underway, in no particular order:
1. The BCS Rankings Now, I have no problem with TCU jumping over Boise State in the rankings. Sure, it pisses me off, but I saw that shit coming. What I can't fucking see is how in the fuck, Iowa could jump to #4 after needing every goddamn second in the game to pull a win out of their asses at Michigan State. How the fuck are they ranked ahead of TCU, nevermind Boise State and Cincinatti. Complete and utter bullshit. And I guess the computers actually COULD hear Pete Carroll crying like a little bitch after last week's rankings since USC somehow jumped up 2 spots as well after beating unranked Oregon State at home. By 6 lousy fucking points. Get fucked, Pete Carroll, you and the BCS rankings can just fuck right off.
2. Mark Shapiro Surprise! I'm saying Fuck You to Mark Shapiro! I, for one, am not fucking ready for the Manny Acta Era in Cleveland. I am depressed as all hell and the god damn playoffs aren't even over yet. 2010 is going to be a motherfucking abortion of a season for the Indians, and that's saying something, considering these last two years. And of course, with the Yankees finally finishing off the Angels last night (fuck you too, rain delay!) we are now set for the Game 1 matchup of Cliff Lee vs. C.C. Sabathia. Fuck my fucking life.
3. Brett Favre He'll be here every week. Fucking asshole. But holy sweet jesus was that fun watching him puke the game away yesterday. Adrian Peterson destroys William Gay's shit, heads to the sideline for a breather and to revel in his awesomeness and all of a sudden...FUMMMMBBBBLLLLE! And they're off to the races. That was delicious. The subsequent pick 6 followed by a game ending sack were just icing and the cherry on top. Fuck you right in the ear, Brett Favre.
4. The NFL slate of games Well, that was one boring, piece of shit Sunday, huh? Blowout city all over the god damn place. Would it kill some of you shitty teams to actually make things interesting for once? It would? Well fuck you then.
5. The asshole old people who live in my apartment building The majority of the tenants in my apartment complex are senior citizens and some of them are complete dickheads. There are three different cars that refuse to use just one parking space and consistently park diagonally across two spaces. This drives me fucking insane. And it's always GOOD spaces that are getting wasted. Also, in the basement, there is a little area with a bunch of shopping carts near the elevators. This comes in handy because instead of making 52 trips back and forth to the car after a shopping trip we can just load everything into a cart and take the elevator. There's a HUGE fucking sign instructing people to return the carts when they are done with them. But do they? These lazy old fucks? Of course not. And this weekend, after going shopping, there were NO carts and I was fucking enraged. I went storming up the stairs, checking each floor for carts, finally found one on the fifth floor and made as much noise as possible banging the cart around the hall to get it back to the elevator. I hope it ruined some game of Mah Jong or something. Then, after getting my groceries and heading back inside, some crotchety old fuck gave me the evil eye and hissed "You know you need to bring that back after you're done, right?" That fucking prick is lucky I didn't go straight to ramming speed and destroy his brittle hips. What a dick.
Next week I'll actually try to get this up in the morning, fuckers.
It's almost Saturday, and that means its almost time for some fucking College Football! Fuck yeah! Since I like College Football, I thought I would share my genius with the world and make some picks for you all this week.
*Note: If you gamble from my picks, you deserve to fucking die.
#13 Penn State @ Michigan
The Coaches with Fucktarded Nicknames Bowl
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Penn State favored by 4 Points
Joe-Pa and his degenerative hips roll into the Big House to face Rich-Rod and his two headed freshmen QB monster. Penn State has not won at Ann Arbor since 1996, but with the inside shot on the Big 10 title on the line, Penn State looks like the good pick this week.
Penn State 34 - Michigan 17
#8 TCU @ #16 BYU
The "Hey look at us!" game of the week.
7:30 PM ET, No TV because no one gives a fuck.
TCU by 1
A Mountain West battle made all the more special by the ESPN GameDay crew rolling into town to stroke one out for the little guy. The mighty Horned Frogs are looking to win out and almost certainly jump fellow BCS Buster Boise State for the right to play in the Fiesta Bowl. No BCS Title game for this shitty little conference school, play some good teams, then pop off!
Back to the game, TCU owns the nations 4th longest winning streak and is seeking to beat America's only cult sponsored team for the second year in a row (send complaints to BoozeRob@OGDH.com). I looked into my magic hat full of seer stones and have seen the outcome.
TCU 24 - BYU 21
Auburn @ #9 LSU
War Eagle is looking to take a shit in Death Valley
7:30 PM ET, ESPN2
LSU by 8.5
LSU's offense has looked pretty shitty this season being led by the pretty fucking ineffective Jordan Jefferson. That being said, the last 5 meetings between these two schools have been decided by a grand total of 19 points with LSU taking 3 of the 5.
Auburn on the other hand is averaging 35 points a game led by QB Chris Todd and a couple of nice backs staring at his ass behind him.
I'm taking Auburn in this one... WAR EAGLE MOTHER FUCKERS!
Auburn 31 - LSU 24
GAME OF THE WEEK #11 Oregon @ Washington
The battle of two teams that truly fucking hate each other.
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Oregon by 10.
No joking around here, these two teams fucking hate each other. I mean really fucking hate each other. While both schools have their traditional rivals in Oregon State and Washington State, ask anybody from either school and they will tell you they would rather beat the Dawgs or the Ducks.
Since getting their shit stomped in Boise way back in September, Oregon has gotten on a roll winning their last five... granted they really haven't beaten anybody and this could be their first real test since. Washington has pulled off an impressive turnaround from their 0-12 finish last season, beating USC at home and pulling off an impressive last second win against Arizona. UW also took Notre Dame to overtime and lost to Arizona State on a last second breakdown in coverage.
Even though Oregon has won the last 5 in this series, make no mistake, UW owns this series by a large margin. OGDH is predicting an end to the Ducks winning streak due to the heroics of the best player on the field, UW QB Jake Locker. Its going to be a great day of booze, bitches, and victory over at Montlake.
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