Monday Morning Eff You: November 30, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The authors of this site
Oh it's a holiday weekend so it's just too much fucking trouble to post a thing or two? Well, fuck us right in the asshole. I had every intention to do a picks post plus a couple of other things but every time I thought of stuff to write I was nowhere near a computer. And by the time I got home I was always too fucking lazy to actually type. So our apologies if you were actually looking for content from us this weekend. We're obviously fuckheads. And if you were actually looking for content from us? Well that says something about your life. I don't know what it says, but it definitely says something.

2. The NFL schedule makers
Pretty much all of the games sucked this week, but the Thanksgiving games were fucking atrocious. For the past few seasons there has been talk about taking the Thanksgiving game away from Detroit. I don't agree with that. The problem isn't that the Lions are playing, the problem is WHO the Lions are playing. If the fucking schedule makers would stop putting them in a matchup that is obviously going to result in a fucking blowout, things wouldn't be this bad. Sure, we might still get a boring game, but at least there would be a chance of a close game. Same with sending Oakland to Dallas. Really, fuckwads? How could anyone possible think that putting Oakland on national television could be a good idea? Fucking dipshits.

3. Pete Carroll
BoozeRob offered his opinion on this earlier, and while I agree that it was fucking stupid for Slick Rick to call that timeout, Carroll can't be let off the hook either. This is the fucking crybaby asshole who whined and complained to fucking everyone about Stanford running up the score a few weeks ago. You can't cry like a little bitch when Stanford, of all teams, is ruining your shit and then come back a few weeks later and pull the same type of crap. Only a fucking douchebag would do something like that. So fuck you, Petey. Fucking douchebag.

4. Brett Favre
Motherfucker played brilliantly yesterday. Knock that shit off, Favre. It makes it harder to hate your guts.

5. Serena Williams
AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that, you fat bitch! Fuck you! God I fucking hate that woman. Sure, 82 grand is chump change for her but I don't fucking care. Randomly seeing that in the ESPN headlines just now just fucking made my night. You should see the fucking shit-eating grin on my face. Awesome.

Has Charlie the Hut been fired???

Charlie Weis fired? Well the New York Daily News is claming he is...

Update: ESPN joins the party. It appears fuckstick Charlie is toast.

Pete Carroll says F YOU to Rick Neuheisel

First of all, yes we are alive. We simply needed a weekend of heavy drinking and football before we came back to deal with all of the hate mail and offers of dirty, unprotected sex.

So settle the fuck down... We aren't going anywhere.

Anyway, the UCLA and USC game this weekend was fucking awesome. The game was seemingly over as USC took a knee up two scores with just under a minute to go, but Slick Rick called a timeout thinking that he had a fucking chance to win the game. What happened next was priceless... Old Pete showed little Ricky why UCLA is still USC's little bitch.






Some people are calling Pete an asshole for having the stones to run a play action bomb when the game was clearly over, but I think it was fucking awesome. Lets be real, UCLA had no fucking chance and Rick was just being a dick about it. USC did exactly what they should have done and went for the final, undeniable nail in the coffin. Apparently Rick didn't think the game was over, so why should USC? Well they didn't, and Pete Carroll just shoved his foot right up Neuheisel's asshole.

My favorite part of the clip is the UCLA players trotting out to midfield to taunt the Trojan players. Mother fuckers, you are getting your asses kicked on the field, what makes you think you could take 85 superior athletes in a brawl? You couldn't. So sit the fuck down. If you want to be pissed, be pissed at your Coach who put you in this situation. USC took a fucking knee and your Coach refused to accept defeat.

One thing is for sure, it's a fucking rivalry between the teams and the coaches and a little more gas was just thrown on the fire. Maybe it's time for UCLA to take out another full page ad...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, motherfuckers. We hope everyone has a great day and stuffs their fucking faces all day while consuming mass amounts of bourbon. This is the best holiday of the year, so fucking enjoy it. I'll be back tomorrow or Saturday with the NFL picks post plus some stories from the Celtics game last night and other general nonsense.

Green Bay (-10.5) over DETROIT
Oakland (+13.5) over DALLAS (Hit that fucking video board, Lechler!)
DENVER (+6.5) over New York Giants

I have a lot to be thankful for, but not on that list are today's games. BO-RING!

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Rex Ryan

Reader D. Chuck checks in this morning with a guest post nominee for Dorn of the Week. Here's what he has to say:

Jesus Christ I hate the Jets. Just shut the fuck up and move on! Why are you still talking about this game? How was LeVoir's block illegal in any way? He blocked you! You're in the NFL, you're going to get blocked, sometimes hard! Next time pay attention! And dear God, shut UP Rex Ryan. Disrespected? You are the poster boy for not respecting your opponent. You left season ticket holders voicemails before we played the first game. You made Kevin O'Connell (yes, the immortal Kevin O'Connell) a captain for this game, and the Week 2 game, solely because you were playing the Patriots. So shut the hell up. Oh, and speaking of disrespect, how about calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in a game that you were losing by 17? Is that respectful? GOD.

Well put. That fat fuck can choke on Fireman Ed's fucking helmet. Did you know he gave Fireman Ed a fucking gameball after the Week 2 game? How fucking pathetic is that?

Source: Boston Herald

Monday Morning Eff You: November 23, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. Fans of the University of Arizona
You stupid fucks! You know, call me crazy, but I think it's a pretty fucking good idea to wait until the game is actually OVER before you attempt to charge the field. You know who does that shit? Fucking Notre Dame. And just like the douchebag Irish, your team lost the fucking game, too! And really? You're going to rush the field after a win over fucking Oregon? Really?? I mean, yeah, fuck the Ducks and all that good shit but jesus fucking christ, have some pride in your team and try not to go fucking apeshit over a home win against Oregon. Fucking pathetic. You assholes can all bear down on my dick.

2. Charlie Weis
Hey, look who just suffered another humiliating loss? That's right! Big fat fuckhead Chaz Weis! Good god man, how many times does this need to happen before you just say fuck it and walk away. I know you're a dickhead and you want as much of a buyout as possible but fucking hell, aren't you embarrassed? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? HEY! Put that fucking cheeseburger down and listen to me! You fucking suck. Your school fucking sucks. And god dammit I love watching you lose, but please do us all a favor and just walk the fuck away.

3. Brett Favre
God dammit how is this piece of fuck 9-1 and having the best year of his life? That just will not fucking do. Start losing, asshole! And throwing those delicious pick sixes that you love to throw! I love those too! And while we're here, fuck Brad Childress too. That bearded fuck stumbles his way ass backwards into this dream season, gets a contract extension, and keeps calling for Favre to throw for TDs instead of handing the ball to Petersen and helping out the millions of fantasy players who took him with the first pick this year. Call more run plays, you bald piece of shit!

4. The Boston Celtics
God. Fucking. Dammit. Three Friday games in a row and three Friday losses in a row. Lock it the fuck up dickheads. Stop talking tough to the media about how you're only going to lose 10 games all year, or about how you're going to push the Magic around, or whatever the fuck else is in your stupid heads and just play basketball! You beat the Knicks by 2 last night! In overtime! THE FUCKING KNICKS!!! The bottom line is that you are playing like complete fuckheads right now and it is unacceptable. Get your heads out of each other's asses and stop fucking up the start of my weekend with a loss on Friday night.

5. The Mark Show
I have to put myself up here this week because I'm a fucking moron. After bemoaning the loss of Ronnie Brown because of the implications for my fantasy team you'd think that I would have dropped him or at the very least benched him, right? Nope! I completely forgot to set my roster up and left Brown in the starting lineup AND left Tomlinson on my bench. Tomlinson got 13 points. I lost my matchup by 4. Fuck. And the final kick in the balls is that I lost to BoozeRob's piece of shit team. Double fuck!

College Football Picks O' The Week!

4-0 last week, improving my picks record to 12-4. Look, I'll be the first to admit I cherry picked the shit out of those fucking games last week, so this week I vow to make it a little more difficult on myself. I'm taking games where anything could happen.

Stay tuned, its about to get crazy in here.

#25 Cal @ #17 Stanford
7:30 PM ET, No TV

Line: Stanford -8

Well shit, remember when I said that I wasn't going to cherry pick? Well apparently I lied. With Cal running back Jahvid Best out of the game due to a nasty landing against Oregon State a few weeks back, this game really lost some of its star power. That being said, don't count out the Bears just yet. They are coming off of an impressive victory of the then #17 Arizona Wildcats and have been getting outstanding production from backup RB Shane Vereen.

That being said, take the Tree in this one. The backfield combo of Andrew Luck and Toby Gerhart will just be too much for the Bears to overcome. I'm thinking the Tree win this one and pray for an Oregon loss to Arizona.

The real question is, will Cal track star Allison Stokke make the trip across the bay to watch the game....


Stanford 28 - Cal 17

Uconn @ Notre Dame
Charlie's Death March Continues
2:30 PM ET, NBC

Line: ND -6

Oh boy, wouldn't this be great to see that fat fuck Charlie lose yet another game at home to a team he has no business losing to. Well it could happen. In fact, I think it will happen.

This ND team is on its last legs. Sure they are bowl eligible, but with all the media attention swirling around who is going to take over for that fat asshole of a coach, do they really care? Probably not. In fact, I bet this is the week that the players just mail it in. Who gives a fuck anyway? Not Jimmy Speedo.... he's looking to the draft.

Uconn is going to need to control the clock by grinding it out on the ground. That means their two headed monster in the back field of Jordan Todman and Andre Dixon need to come up big. I bet anyone a nickel they will.

Don't worry Charlie, just think how many blocks of cheese you can get with your enormous gunt buyout!

Note: Surprisingly (or not) I couldn't find one hot chick for either ND or UConn. So I give you Bar. Enjoy


UPSET ALERT
Conn 24 - ND 23

#14 Penn State @ Michigan State
3:30 PM ET, ABC

Line: Michigan State +3


Joe-Pa and his degenerate hips roll into East Lansing this week hoping to keep their BCS bowl hopes alive. Really? BCS? Did anyone see how absolutely fucking terrible Penn State looked last week against Indiana?

FUCKING INDIANA!

Forget getting to a BCS bowl... I'm wondering if the Nitanny Lions win another fucking game this season.

Michigan State has won 4 of their last 6 at home in this series since 1997. MSU has the slight edge in yards per game with just over 279 of those yards coming through the air. MSU QB Kirk Cousins has been stellar this season throwing for 17 TD's to only 5 int's.

I keep telling myself that Penn State has a ball busting defense, but then they go and struggle against a lousy Indiana team. I don't think they have what it takes to stop Cousins, and I don't think they will put up the points to match. Look for the Spartans in a shocker.

UPSET ALERT
MSU 24 - Penn State 21


GAME OF THE WEEK!
#11 Oregon @ Arizona
8:00 PM ET, ABC

Line: Arizona +7

ESPN Gameday is making their first appearance in Tucson this week to bring us a battle between the Arizona Wildcats and the mother fucking Oregon Fucks. I hate those diamond plated wearing fucking tools.

Many of you maybe surprised to learn that Arizona actually has more total offense per game that Oregon. That's right. The Cats average 429.2 to Whoregon's 414.8. Neat huh? That being said, Oregon holds a decisive lead on the ground bringing the nations number 6 rushing attack to town to face off against a Zona team that is trying to keep its hopes of a first ever Rose Bowl alive.

Two great QB's in this one. I'm sure most of you have heard of Jeremiah Masoli for Oregon, but what about Zona's QB Nick Foles? This sophomore QB completes nearly 70% of his passes and runs a potent Wildcat offense like he's been there for years.

Big dreams on the line in this game. If Oregon can win out they are smelling roses for the first time since 1994. If Zona wins, we have a logjam at the top of the Pac 10 with Stanford, Zona, and the Beavs right there with the Quacks for a trip to Pasadena.

My pick? Well I told you I had a theme today....

Biggest game ever in Tucson = Biggest Win ever for the Cats

UPSET ALERT
Arizona 45 - Oregon 42


That's right. Three fucking upsets this week. Cherry pick that mother fuckers.

Until next week...

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 11

Well, last night's pick sucked fucking donkey balls. Apparently Ricky Williams is better than I thought. It's amazing what can happen when you stop toking up every fucking day. I should have known. Carolina has been fucking me all season with my picks. They are a huge pain in the ass. Whatever.

Remember a few weeks ago when I bitched about the old people in my apartment complex? Of course you don't. But the point is, I did bitch about it. And those old fuckers have done nothing since then to change my opinion. Fuck them. Why am I rehashing this? Well I got home from work today and came upon this:


Mother. Fucker. I know you can't really tell from the photo, but that car is parked directly in front of the stairs. And that is NOT A FUCKING PARKING SPOT! It's not enough for you to park like an asshole in a regular spot? Now you have to park in a no parking space AND fucking park diagonally? Well fuck you, whoever you are. I fucking hate you.

On to the picks...home team in CAPS

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland
What a fucking suckfest. I have no idea who is going to win this game but I can't fathom taking a franchise that I just nominated for Dorn of the Week. Also, fuck Eric Mangini right in his Mangina.

JACKSONVILLE (-8.5) over Buffalo
So long, Dick Jauron! I'll miss Skeletor and his complete and utter indifference on the sidelines. Anyway, the Jags are finally getting their shit together so this should be a nice blowout. I just really don't get the feeling that this Bills team is going to rally around a new coach.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco
The Packers look to be back on track after blanking Romo and the Cowboys on Sunday. And the Niners still suck. The only reason they got a win last week is because Jay Cutler is an overrated piece ofr shit. At least it shut Gregg Easterbrook up. Fucking douche.

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY
Losing Troy Palamalu hurts, but the Steelers are still going to rape the shit out of the Chiefs.

Washington (+11.5) over DALLAS
Dallas is winning this game. Washington is better than people think, though. Ladell Betts will do just fine replacing Portis.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta
Wow, Matty Ryan is falling apart like crazy, huh? Matty Ice my ass. The G-Men better win this game or Coughlin's head is going to fucking explode.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY
God the Saints have an easy schedule. Get ready for a loss next week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-0.5) over Indianapolis
Fuck Peyton Manning and fuck the Colts.

MINNESOTA (-11.5) over Seattle
God the Vikings have an easy schedule. And clearly I don't give a shit about most of this week's games so I'm mailing this post in.

Arizona (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
BO-RING

San Diego (-2.5) over DENVER
Other websites actually have Denver favored in this game. That's free fucking money, poeple.

OAKLAND (+9.5) over Cincinnati
I just have a feeling that Cincy struggles in this one.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over New York Jets
This is going to be a fucking slaughter. The Pats are going to be fired up to make up for last week's choke job. The Jets are terrible and their head coach is a fucking crybaby. Fuck the Jets.

CHICAGO (+3.5) over Philadelphia
This is a stupid pick and I know it. Fuck.

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON
I think Houston wins this game, but it's gonna be by a field goal. What a shitty Monday night game.

NFL Quick Pick: Panthers

CAROLINA (-3) over Miami
Hey, guess who has the NFL Network and won't be watching this game? This guy! BO-RING! I was leaning towards Miami early in the week but then Ronnie Brown got placed on the IR yesterday and made my choice nice and fucking easy. That's a devastating blow to the Dolphins, and my fantasy team. Miami basically loses the Wildcat (Ricky Williams and Pat White are a ginormous step down from Brown) and I'm stuck with Tomlinson as my only decent RB. Plus, now that LDT had his one good game of the season while I had him on the fucking bench, he's sure to revert back to the raging pussy we all know he is.

It's basketball season!

So I thought I would share with all of you:

So you are saying this is regional? Well fuck you! Get your own team on the cover, then pop off!

Bill Simmons is still the man

The man everyone knows as The Sportsguy was in Seattle a few nights ago on his nationwide tour promoting his new book. Why does this matter? Well this is the only guy in national media who had the balls to call the Sonics moving to OKC for the bullshit that it was. We were robbed, and everyone knows it. Simmons wrote numerous articles exposing the hypocrisy of David Stern and the NBA as a team we supported in this city for 40 years was ripped away. Our only major championship, gone. Hey we always have the 1917 Stanley Cup!

Anyway as expected, thousands of Sonics fans flooded Sport restaurant only blocks from the Sonics former home for a chance to meet their national voice. Simmons as always did not disappoint. The photo below was taken by Nesgodawg over at www.ihateclay.com. As you can see, Simmons is not afraid to show his disdain for those carpet bagging mother fuckers down in OKC.

Hours after the book signing was complete, Bill further demonstrated how awesome he is by "twatting" the following on his Twitter account:

Unbelievable Seattle signing. My favorite of the tour. Sonics fans showed up in force. STILL AN NBA CITY. Thanks to everyone.
about 1 hour ago from UberTwitter

Anyone still believe Clay Bennett when he said Seattle fans don't care?

Fuck you Clay as always.


Source: www.Ihateclay.com

Dorn of the Week Nominee: The Cleveland Browns

So, everyone knows that the Browns are fucking pathetic, but I didn't realize that they were THIS pathetic. Jesus Christ almighty, they are actually responding to Lebron James' ridiculously stating that he would like to play football?? From ESPN:

"I think he should come on down," Mangini said.

The NBA superstar, who was an all-state wide receiver in high school, said Tuesday night that if he put the time and commitment into it, he could be a good football player.

"If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good," he said Tuesday night, "no matter what team I was on."

Mangini agreed, calling James "a freak athletically," and said the 6-foot-8, 250-pounder could be dangerous at tight end, wide receiver or even outside linebacker.

Hey, dumbfuck! Maybe instead of entertaining the absolute pipe dream of Lebron coming to the NFL, maybe you should concentrate on getting your team to be something other than an absolute fucking disgrace. Fucking hell. A week ago the GM that YOU handpicked was canned and then on Monday night you were fucking humiliated on national television. AND you hurt your best player, Joshua Cribbs, by attempting a completely pointless hook and lateral play on the last play of the game even though a score meant absolutely nothing. Nice job, fuckface.

And then there's Brady Quinn...

Quarterback Brady Quinn also heard about James' football fetish. He would love to have a target like James to throw to in the red zone.

"That'd be great," Quinn said. "Tell him to suit up and let us know, we'll get him working. Obviously he's an incredibly talented athlete. If he wants to try to play a little bit now, we'd be more than willing to pick him up."

Are you shitting me? Why the fuck are they treating this as if it has any fucking chance of actually happening? And if it did somehow happen, there's no way in hell that a shitty QB like Brady Quinn would be able to take advantage of it. That guy fucking sucks and everyone but Charlie Weis knows it.

So here's your latest Dorn of the Week nominee; an embarrassment of a franchise that needs to blow everything the fuck up and start from scratch. Fucking assholes.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: The Seattle Ninja

Whats this world coming to when ninja's can't even do something simple like jump over a fucking fence?

Police: Would-be Seattle ninja impaled on fence

The Associated Press • Published November 17, 2009

SEATTLE – Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it.

An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived to take him to Harborview Medical Center. A hospital spokeswoman said Tuesday he was in serious condition in intensive care.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought he might have been involved in the reported assault, but the man insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Fucking Ninjas in my home town! This really shouldn't shock anyone who has been to Seattle. I mean, Asians are everywhere here. One of those fuckers was bound to be a Ninja or even a fucking Samurai. Now that would be cool. A fucking Samurai. Not some pussy white guy Samurai like Tom Cruise in "The Last Samurai." I'm talking like that pony tailed mother fucker in that movie who just constantly shit beat old Tom all over that fucking mountain village.

You know what else is cool? Bears.

Charlie Cheeseburger still thinks he has a job

Charlie you fat arrogant fuck. You don't have a job. You lost to Navy... at home. You almost lost to fucking UW... at home. Why the fuck would ND bring you back next year?

The brass balls at ND have already said the rumored massive buyout is not an issue. Not to mention that Notre Dame went out of their fucking way to block their team plane from FlightAware.com, a popular (and my favorite) flight tracking website. Why would they do that if they weren't trying to cover their tracks for future interviews?

Translation = You're fucking fucked.

It's time to start looking for another job that can pay for massive gunt's addiction to the extra large Meat Lover's pizza.

Dorn of the Week: Bill Belichick

Woof. It fucking pains me to do this but I have to give Dorn of the Week to Bill Belichick this time.

As I said in the previous post, I don't think it was the worst call in the world to go for it on 4th down. There have been statistics that back up the decision, to an extent, and if Faulk doesn't juggle the ball, everyone is talking about what a genius Belichick is today.

What really bothers me, however, is the series of plays and events that led up to the 4th down try.

On first down, after a Colts TD, extra point, TV timeout, kickoff, and another TV timeout, the Pats had to fucking waste a timeout because they had the wrong personnel on the field. How the fuck does this happen???? You have to put that on the coach. And then there's Belichick seemingly saying that the plan was to go for it on 4th down all along, according to his press conference today:

When you called the third-down play, did you have in mind that if they didn’t get it you would go for it on fourth down?

Belichick: "No, we pretty much made that decision on third down."

Was sending the punt team out basically to try to get the defense . . .

Belichick: "No, I said it was a miscommunication on our part that a couple guys started out and then the offense reacted to that and the punt team kind of reacted to the offense, and it wasn’t cleanly handled on the substitution."

Now, that first question and answer is kind of weird but the whole exchange seems to suggest that they were, in fact, planning on going for it on 4th down no matter what. If this were the case, why in the holy name of fuck did they throw on 3rd down instead of running the ball and forcing the Colts to call their final timeout if the play was stuffed? I don't understand that at all. At. All.

And again, when the punt team starts to run out instead of staying the fuck put on the sidelines, which forced the Pats to blow their final timeout, that again falls on the coach. This isn't the type of shit that should be happening to what is supposed to be one of the best coached teams in the NFL. And that is why Bill Belichick is your Dorn of the Week.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 16, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. That Fucking Game Last Night
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That fucking sucked. I seriously considered waiting until tomorrow to do MMFU since I'm exhuasted, but fuck it, let's get it out of the way. Fuck that game. Fuck Peyton Manning. Fuck Reggie Wayne and his impossibly good hands. Fuck the dipshits running the RCA Dome who tried to burn the fucking house down. Fuck the Pats' D for letting up in the 4th quarter and allowing the 79-yard TD drive that apparently put the fear of God into Belichick. And fuck not being able to get 2 fucking yards at the most critical juncture of the game. Fuck.

Bill Belichick is getting skewered all over the place for the decision to go for it on 4th down at the end of the game. Most of it is fair, but let's cut the shit with the people calling it one of the worst decisions in the history of football and/or sports, shall we? Was it a great or even good call? Absolutely not. But a big reason for that judgement is because of the result. If Faulk doesn't juggle the ball and comes up with the first down, the same people ripping BB to shreds this morning are singing his praises. I also have a feeling that Brady had something to do with talking Belichick into going for it, so maybe Tom should be taking some of the heat as well. I don't know.

What I do know is that the Patriots showed me enough to know that if/when they're back in Indy for the playoffs, they have a good enough team to put themselves in position to win. And that's all you can really ask for as a fan.

Fucking Colts.

2. The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons
I'm a big fan of Bill Simmons, to the point where you could even call me a Simmons Apologist at times, but I was so fucking annoyed with this segment in his picks column on Friday that I immediately knew I'd be writing about him this morning. Let's take a look:

"Our first one: I wrote a chunk of this column at a local Starbucks. One seat
over from me, some dude in his 40s was listening to music on his headphones,
playing online Scrabble and occasionally talking loud calls on his cell phone.
How much do you have to hate your own apartment, house, wife or girlfriend that
you say, "I can't stand it here anymore, I'm going to Starbucks to play online
Scrabble?" Last week, someone brought work to the same Starbucks, then proceeded to sing and hum to the songs they were playing despite everyone else glaring at
her. Of course, that didn't top what happened to me nearly two years ago, when some crazy dude grabbed a New York Times from the newspaper rack, brought it into the unisex bathroom, proceeded to drop anchor for the next 15 minutes, then emerged from the bathroom holding the newspaper like Dad coming out of the john on a Saturday morning.

Now, in a perfect world, people would only go to a coffeehouse to eat, drink, write,
read, study or converse. You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house. You can't make loud phone calls and sing along to music. You can't sit in a comfy chair not drinking, not eating and not doing anything other than staring at everyone else. But since people can't seem to get the hang of this, here's my suggestion: Every coffee place should designate one employee (a barista, waitress, pastry chef or whomever) as a de facto bouncer. It becomes their job to jettison loiterers, loud talkers, losers, weirdos and everyone else. Maybe they could even wear different uniforms. We could call them "coolers." This would work. Until then, I will remain peeved."

Ok, so those are a couple annoying situations, and the taking the paper into the shitter thing is pretty brutal, but what pisses me off is the statement, "You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house." Oh really, you fucking asshole? Isn't that EXACTLY what you're doing? Guess what, fuckface, if you don't want to be bothered by people talking in a public place, STAY THE FUCK HOME. How much do YOU have to hate YOUR own house, wife and kids to have to sit in a Starbucks and write a column bitching about other people in Starbucks? Go back to your fucking office man-cave with 4 tvs and everything else that you love bringing up all the fucking time. What a fucking pretentious prick.

3. The Boston Celtics

Hey assholes! Stop fucking losing games on Friday fucking night! Jesus christ is it too much for me to ask to see a win to start my weekend? And if you're gonna be complete dickwads and lose on Friday, at least have the common fucking decency to win your next game! Fucking christ.

4. Brett Favre

You can just feel it in the air, can't you? The second-half collapse is coming any day now. There's only so many times that Adrian Peterson can bail Favre's old ass out (and against the Lions of all teams) before Favre completely fucks the Vikings and their fans right in the face.

5. BoozeRob

You were at a wedding with Jason Bay in attendance and you didn't get any insight on where he might sign this offseason? Fucking A, man! What kind of fucking blogger are you? Fuck being polite! Get in his grill and make him admit he's not coming back to the Red Sox so I can laugh at the fans over here! What a fucking wasted opportunity.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Roger Goodell

Fucking Roger Goodell. Are you serious with this ridiculous $20,000 fine for Ochocinco? That is some major fucking bullshit there. If you can find me one person, just one, that actually believes Ocho was seriously trying to bribe that official then I'll shut my mouth, but you can't, and that's why this fine is complete shit. I get it, you don't want anyone questioning the integrity of your officials and all that but jesus fucking christ. Lighten up a little, huh? It was a fucking ONE dollar bill. What's makes this especially puke worthy is the fact that Ocho was fined and DeAngelo Hall wasn't fined for trying to fucking fight Mike Smith on the sidelines in Atlanta. So congrats, Roger, the No Fun League lives on. Great.

By the way, in every picture of Goodell he looks like he's giving some condescending scolding to a 5-year old or something. Dude's a fucking prick.

College Football Picks 'O The Week!

So I guess I was moderately successful last Saturday picking 3 of 4 right only losing on fucking Penn State laying an egg against the Buckeyes. Good news is that I'm sitting pretty at 8-4. That's right, I'm fucking bowl eligible. Everyone who told me it was impossible to turn it around can eat a steaming pile of BamaDawg's shit.

But I digress, we are here for one reason... COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS!

Fuck yeah!

#16 Utah @ #4 TCU
The "Hey everyone look at us!" Bowl, Part II.
7:30 PM ET, No TV. Are you surprised? Who gives a fuck?

Line: TCU -17.5

Well ESPN Gameday makes yet another trip to the Mountain West Conference to try their best to hype up a game that no one outside of the MWC really gives a fuck about.

Seriously, who cares? Well I do. Why? Because TCU fucking sucks. I hate TCU.

I know this one asshole from TCU who tells everyone about how he has his MBA from TCU and just spouts off endless bullshit that no one gives two shits about. This fucking guy says in 17 paragraphs what a regular person says in two words.

Furthermore, how the fuck is a frog intimidating? Who decided it would be a good idea to have a god damn frog leading the charge each weekend? Oh you put horns on it, now its tough! Look the fuck out. You know who else like frogs? The fucking French. TCU is the fucking France of College Football. Congrats you frog fucks.


It also appears that Frogs are the zoo's dirty little bitch.




And then there's this one...



Unfortunately, I think the chimp blowing Frenchy Frogs win.

TCU 35 - Utah 10

Idaho @ #6 Boise State
RIVALRY GAME
3:30 PM ET, ESPNU

Line: Boise State -28

Why am I commenting on this game? Two reasons. One, I grew up in Idaho and still root for Boise State despite their fans turning into annoying assholes like the douche bags from Gonzaga. Two, UW beat Idaho earlier this year. So my thinking is if Idaho couldn't be a UW team that sucks dick, then how the fuck are they going to beat Boise State? Oh that's right... it's a rivalry! Anything can happen in a rivalry!

Well not this rivalry.

Boise State hasn't lost to Idaho since 1998 when the Vandal's squeaked one out in overtime. If the Vandal's secondary couldn't handle the offense of UW, then I don't see anyway that they could possibly stop Kellen Moore and the rest of the Bronco onslaught.

My favorite part of this game is going to be the post game bitching on Facebook where a number of my Vandal friends are going to say some stupid shit about "Donkey State" and complain about how they got fucked by the ref's or some dumb shit.

Let's get this out of the way early Vandal fans... FUCK YOU!

Boise State 45 - Idaho 13

Notre Dame @ #12 Pittsburgh
Can Charlie survive a trip to the field named for his favorite condiment?
8:pm ET, ABC From Heinz Field!

Line: Pitt -7

Charlie Cheeseburger and his enormous gunt roll into the home of the Pittsburgh Steelers this week to take on Dave Wannstedt's #12 Panthers. More importantly this is just another step in Charlie Weis's death march as the Domers waddle to another non-BCS season.

This game features not one but two premier QB's in ND's Jimmy "Speedo" Clausen and Pitt's little known Bill Stull. While that sounds like a recipe for a shootout, I'm betting this one stays close until the 4th quarter (or as Charlie knows it, time for pizza) until the Panther running game completely wears out ND.

Yeah Charlie, that's just another nail in your coffin.

Pitt 24 - ND 14



GAME OF THE WEEK:
#10 Iowa @ #11 Ohio State
Inside track for the Roses is on the line in Columbus.

3:30 PM ET, ABC

Line: Ohio State -17

After Terrelle Pryor made me look like a dick last week by dismantling Penn State, I would have been tempted to suck it up and just take Ohio State this week over the Hawkeyes. Now with Iowa coming off a loss to Northwestern and without their starting QB Ricky Stanzi, I think this one is going to be a fucking laugher.

It's going to take a titanic effort from the defense if Iowa hopes to pull this one out at the Horseshoe. Iowa currently ranks 82nd in the NCAA in total offense and well over half of that came from Stanzi's arm. Can backup QB James Vandenberg lead the Hawkeyes to a win? I will eat BamaDawg's shit if they do. There is no fucking chance.

Look for Pryor and the rest of the Buckeyes to roll.

tOSU 28 - Iowa 6


See you next week fuckers!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 10

Am I a fucking prophet or what? Ok, so it wasn't a pick 6 that sealed the game and the cover but it WAS a pick. So I'm counting it. But seriously, did you see that fucking game? Holy shit what a suckfest. Thank god I was tired and shut it off at halftime because that 2nd half must have been just brutal to watch. Whatever. A win's a win and I'll take it. And since Crabtree didn't find the endzone. Fuck him.

Ok, on to the rest of this week's games.

Home team in CAPS.

NEW YORK JETS (-7) over Jacksonville
Fucking CBS. Instead of showing the awesome matchup of Bengals-Steelers, I'm getting this stupid game. Assholes. Anyway, I would have loved to take the Jags here but I just have a feeling that Jets are going to get a blowout win to build their confidence before next week's trip to Foxboro. And no doubt they'll be yapping it the fuck up like the assholes they are. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck the Jets. But they're winning this game handily.

Denver (-4) over WASHINGTON
Wow this line is low. Has Vegas seen what's been going on with the Redskins? Look for Denver to end their losing streak here. If I were a Skins fan I'd take the time to make a sign just so I'd have a story about it getting confiscated by Dan Snyder's storm troopers. Fucking Nazi.

PITTSBURGH (-7) over Cincinnati
Oh how I would love to take the Bengals here. I fucking loathe the Steelers. I just can't shake the feeling that the Steelers blow the fuck out of the Bengals and reclaim the throne in the AFC North. I still think Cincy is going to the playoffs but they're going to get knocked down a peg before hitting an easy run on their schedule in the next few weeks. Also, look for a Dorn of the Week nomination for Roger Goodell and the NFL for fining Ochocinco 20 grand for his little "bribe" stunt last week. That is fucking bullshit. It was one fucking dollar and it was god damn hilarious since the Ravens are so prone to bitching about the officials. Lighten the fuck up.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Buffalo
Buffalo fucking sucks. T.O. might not play. And the Titans are finally showing some signs of life. Vince Young might not be the stud he was in college but I still think he can get shit done and Chris Johnson has been running wild lately and will continue to do so this week.

MINNESOTA (-17) over Detroit
They can't make this line high enough. Minnesota is coming off a bye and Detroit...well, we know they're fucking terrible. Add to that the fact that Stafford is supposedly feuding with Megatron and we've got all the makings of a shitbeating. And of course, the fuckhead Brett Favre will be awesome again and the media will suck his dick all week for the millionth time.

New Orleans (-14) over ST. LOUIS
Another line that can't be high enough. I know the Saints have gotten off to slow starts the last few weeks but holy jebus, it's the fucking Rams! The Saints are going to roll to 12-0 before the Pats come to town.

Atlanta (-2) over CAROLINA
I find it amazing that Cutler leads the league in interceptions over Delhomme. It's true! But that doesn't change the fact that Delhomme is fucking awful. Honestly, if this game were in Atlanta I'd probably take the Panthers, but since Delhomme fucking sucks at home and is going to be booed at the first sign of his inevitable incompetence I'm rolling with the Falcons. Hopefully we get another sideline scuffle and the two Smiths (Mike and Steve) can slug it out.

MIAMI (-10) over Tampa Bay
Suicide pick alert! I'm running out of good teams to take in my suicide pool. I swear to god I'll take an underdog before this is over, but not yet. Miami is better than their record indicates (I fucking hate saying that) and the Bucs are probably still sucking each other off after last week's improbable win. On another note, how fucking pathetic is this Gatorade bath thing getting? First the Rams dumped the bucket on Steve Spagnuolo a couple weeks ago and now Raheem Morris got the same treatment last week. That's how you know your franchise fucking sucks. I don't give a shit if it's the coach's first victory as a head coach. Have some fucking respect for yourselves.

Kansas City (+2) over OAKLAND
See? I told you I'd take an underdog! Not that I have any confidence in this pick whatsoever. What a shitty game.

ARIZONA (-9) over Seattle
Okay, Cardinals. Time to fucking lock it up at home. Yeah, your 4-0 record on the road is nice and everything, but fuck, I still can't believe you lost to Carolina at home two weeks ago. If Kurt Warner can't beat the shit out of the Seahawks this weekend I fully expect him to renounce his faith.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Philadelphia
This line has been taken off the board at bodog.com. What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm completely flabbergasted by that. The Chargers are on a nice little run right now, and if they want to have any chance of catching the Broncos in the AFC West they need to win this game. Also, if Tomlinson scores more fantasy points than Crabtree and the difference costs me a win I'm going to be fucking pissed. Fucking Tomlinson. I knew it was a mistake to take him in the first round of my new keeper league this year but I did it anyway and it's been haunting me ever since. Fuck.

GREEN BAY (+3) over Dallas
The Cowboys are riding a little too high after their win at Philly and Tony Romo is due for a nice 3 pick game that brings all the doubters back out of the woodwork. I'm excited. Note to Aaron Rodgers: Throw the fucking ball before Demarcus Ware sacks your ass! As long as he does that we should see the Packers win.

New England (+3) over INDIANAPOLIS
This line opened at 2.5. Really? Enough people are betting on the Colts to move the line to 3? Obviously this is a ginormous game with first round bye implications on the line. Everyone is talking about how the Colts' secondary has been weakened by injuries to Bob Sanders and company. However, Sanders only played in 2 games before going on season ending IR last week and still the Colts' D has been playing well all year. But they haven't had their rookie CBs tested against the likes of Brady, Moss, and Welker. This game is gonna be a slugfest and I can't fucking wait for it. For all the hype about Brady and Manning, I think this game is going to come down to the matchup between Dwight Freeney and rookie Sebastian Vollmer, filling in for injured Matt Light. Vollmer is a fucking beast and I think he contains Freeney enough for Brady to take advantage of the Indy secondary. LET'S GO PATS!

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND
The Browns are a fucking mess. The Ravens are pissed off after an embarrassing display last week and Cleveland is the perfect team for them to stomp on to take out that aggression.

Posterized!

Fuck yeah! I just had to post this clip of Dwyane Wade completely destroying that mop-headed fuck Anderson Varejao. Boom! Take that, Sideshow Bob! I fucking hate that guy.

Boo! I'm a ghost!

Notice anything.... weird? No, that's not a ghost. That's former Chicago Cub Sammy Sosa sporting his new albino look at last weeks Latin Grammy's.

So I gotta ask.... What in the mother fucking fuck happened to Sammy fucking Sosa???? Why does he suddenly look like Michael Jackson? Did Michael's death leave some void in the universe that could only be filled by another black guy with bleached skin?

What in the fuck!

After hearing that his new look caused a ruckus making black men everywhere question humanity, Sammy quickly blamed his white skin on "extremely bright lights" and denied any sort of treatment to make his skin appear lighter. In fact, Sammy claims that if you saw him in person you could barely tell the difference!

Bright lights huh? That's the best you got? I'm sorry Sammy, but when did they decide to hold the Latin Grammy's on the surface of the fucking sun?

NFL Quick Pick

Well, we've got an NFL game tonight and I'm entirely too lazy to write my picks column a day early, so we'll just do a little quickie pick and do the usual post tomorrow. Deal? Deal.

SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5) over Chicago
I fucking hate giving up that half-point here so I'm hoping that a late San Fran 3-point lead turns into a game-clinching pick 6 from Cutler's sulky ass to give me the cover. Also, I'm starting Crabtree on my fantasy team for the first time this week so that holdout mother fucker better find the god damn endzone. And please, for the love of god, let San Fran win so that fuckhead Gregg Easterbrook will shut the fuck up about the 'Curse of Crabtree.' He'll probably mention it no matter what, though, because once he finds an angle, no matter how pointless, tired, or fucking stupid, he'll ride that shit into the ground for the rest of the fucking season and perhaps beyond (see: Spygate). He's a fucking douche.

Hey Rob Neyer: Go Fuck Yourself

I don't know how I stumbled across a Rob Neyer article today on espn.com. I probably haven't read anything that dipshit has written in years, because he's a stat geek whose articles mainly seem to consist of VORPs, UZRs, and a bunch of numbers so he can prove to us how smart he is. "See?? I threw out acronyms and numbers that you can barely comprehend and/or cause you headaches because of their impossibility to follow! That means I'm smart!"

Anyways, this fucktard decided to blog his comments on the AL Gold Glove winners that were announced today. Namely, he took issue with Derek Jeter, Mark Teixeira, and Joe Mauer winning Gold Gloves. He even took a slight dig at Torii Hunter and Ichiro winning Gold Gloves as well, which completely flabbergasts me. Sure, Hunter is a fucking moron who can't keep his mouth shut, and maybe he's a LITTLE overrated, but find me two better defensive outfielders at their respective positions than Hunter and Ichiro. Franklin Gutierrez probably should have won for CF's, but it's pretty fucking tough to be pissed at Hunter winning. And Jeter definitely was not the best defensive shortstop in baseball, so I have no problem with his griping there.

My problems are his comments about Teixeira. In his blog, he says Tex was probably a solid defender, but was not the best first baseman in the league. In Neyer's fucked up opinion, he had Kevin Youkilis as the Gold Glove winner for 1B. That's right, he had that fat piece of shit, who only played HALF THE SEASON (81 games) at first base, as a Gold Glover. Tip to Rob: watch the fucking games. Yes, your fucking sabermetric stats have some place in the game, but so does actually watching what fucking happens. Tex played twice as many games at the position as Youk, and solidified an infield that you yourself essentially admitted was inferior to that of Youk's (since Pedroia deserve a GG at 2B and Jeter was so undeserving). But hey, glad to see you're a believer in the Raffy Palmeiro corollary. And thanks for reminding me why I should never read anything you ever write ever again.

Dorn of the Week Nominees: Martina Navratilova and Marat Safin

Last week, after the release of Andre Agassi's autobiography, which revealed that he had tested positive for crystal meth but lied his way out of a suspension, Martina Navratilova spoke up and said that she now views him in the same light as Roger Clemons. I considered making her a DOTW Nominee but I held back because for some reason I have a soft spot for Martina. And also, it's fucking tennis, and who gives a fuck, right?

But now, Marat Safin has opened his big fucking yap and suggested that Agassi should forfeit his titles and give back his winnings. And now I feel like I have to say something.

In the spirit of this blog...SHUT UP, DORN! Or in this case, Martina and Marat. Let's start with you, Martina. Are you fucking kidding me, comparing Agassi to Roger Clemens? Let's see, Clemens lied about steroids, which helped him to multiple Cy Young awards and propelled himself to the status of one of the greatest pitchers of all time. How does that even remotely compare to using crystal meth? Last time I checked, steroids enhanced performance and crystal meth seriously inhibited performance. Not that I would actually know in either case.

And you, Marat, where the fuck do you get off saying that Agassi should relinquish his titles? If Agassi was doing crystal meth AND winning titles, that's fucking amazing. Imagine if he hadn't been doing that shit? He might have even more titles. I'm sure you wouldn't give up your titles and money if it came out that you beat someone who was impaired because he was using, right? And as for questioning Agassi's motives for coming out with this information now? Of course he's trying to sell books! Shocking! But there's also the fact that Agassi has gone on the record saying that this secret has weighed on his conscience for years and he wanted to get it off his chest.

So both of you, shut the fuck up and move on with your lives. This doesn't put a black mark on tennis in even the slightest way. If anything, it's bringing attention to your sport, which has plummeted in recent years as far as public interest goes. So maybe you should be a little bit grateful that people are actually talking about tennis in terms other than the star power of Federer, Nadal, and fat-ass Serena.

Source: ESPN

Excellent Work, Skins Fans

Remember on Friday when I urged people going to the Falcons-Skins game to bring as many anti-Snyder signs as possible? Well fucking A, the Skins fans are even more dedicated than I thought! People actually drove from D.C. to Atlanta just to show off signs deriding that little troll Dan Snyder. How does that guy sleep at night? He's clearly a sensitive little prick so it's not like he's running around saying 'fuck it' and then banging a hooker and calling it a night. I picture him downing a bottle of Chardonnay, then crying himself to sleep as he hugs his teddy. Fucking pussy.

Source, and many more pictures: DC Sports Blog

Monday Morning Eff You: November 9, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The Green Bay Packers

Wow. Way to kill the dream of a 2nd straight season with an 0-16 team, assholes. That was fucking pathetic. Rookie head coach who doesn't seem to know what the fuck he's doing starts his 3rd different starting QB of the season (who happens to be a rookie making his first career start) and you get blown the fuck out? Weren't you people supposed to contending for the NFC North, if not the Super Bowl? What happened?

On the other hand, you guys probably took out a nice chunk of the people remaining in my suicide poo---wait, NO ONE picked the Packers? What the fuck? Well then double fuck you, Green Bay! Worthless pieces of shit.

Also, I found out today that our own BamaDawg is a Packers fan. Wait just one god-damn second. A Packers fan AND a Yankees fan? Holy fucking frontrunner, Batman! You're not a Lakers fan, are you dude? Holy shit.

2. Brett Favre

Hmmm, the Vikings had their bye week this weekend, and yet Peter King STILL managed to shoehorn this fucker into his MMQB column like 47 times. He's like herpes. Even if there's not an outbreak, he can still be transmitted!

3. The Dolphins fan sitting in my section on Sunday

This fucking guy, god, what a fucking asshole. Let's say you're a Dolphins fan and you've got a ticket to watch them take on the Pats at Gillette Stadium. And let's say that you decide to support your team by wearing your bright orange, authentic Chad Pennington jersey (more on that in a second). Now, if you had an IQ above 65, you'd probably expect to be heckled a little bit, right? Just a little, right?

Well, not this guy. After Ricky Williams scored to tie the game at 10 apiece, this guy and his buddy stood up and cheered, as is their obvious right to do. A couple guys sitting in the row behind me threw a few good natured taunts their way. I swear to god, it was good natured. This wasn't your stereotypical Boston-area taunt, filled with obscenities and vulgarities that would send any parent with a young child sprinting for the exits. It was pretty harmless. But dickhead over there had to turn around, pretend to be tough, curse a couple times even though there were kids in the area, and generally make an ass of himself. God, what a touchy little douchebag.

Every year I go to at least one Indians-Sox game, and I ALWAYS wear my obnoxious t-shirt that has a ginormous (suck it, BamaDawg!) Chief Wahoo on it. And every year, I get heckled like crazy. I even had a chick intentionally spill her beer on me (fucking cunt) at a bar after an Indians win. But that's all part of the fun. If I responded like this prick did, it would ruin everything. And that just won't do.

As for the Pennington jersey...yikes. First of all, this thing was authentic from the Pro Shop. It wasn't some defective version from Korea that you can find on Craigslist or Ebay for like 80 bucks. This sucker was at least $250. Really? For Chad Pennington. Pennington joined the Dolphins last year after being dropped from the Jets after they sold their souls for Brett Favre. Did this guy really think it was a good idea to spend money on an aging QB with a noodle arm who had never won anything in his life and had just joined the team? Is the situation that fucking bad in Miami? Well, I guess it kinda is, but still. Get Ronnie Brown or something. A fucking Pennington jersey. I still can't stop laughing about it.

4. The Boston Celtics

How dare you lose a game! How dare you!

Friday night my wife got a craving for Fuddrucker's. Fine by me! We picked up her 16-year old brother and his girlfriend because they wanted to come to and off we went. Normally when I go to Fuddrucker's, I get the half-pound original with bacon, avocadoes and cheddar cheese. But on Friday, all I'd eaten all day was a bowl of cereal and a bagel, so I was fucking STARVING. I started thinking, hmmm, I've never attempted the one pound burger. I wonder if I could finish it? I bet I can. "Hi, I'll take the one pound original with bacon, avocado and cheddar cheese, please." The cashier turned around and yelled "One pounder!" into the kitchen. Wait, he didn't do that for the other sizes. Shit. Now lemme tell you, this was a fucking GINORMOUS (one more and BamaDawg's head will explode. It's like saying Beatlejuice three times!) piece of meat. To really add to the task, I added tomatoes, pickles, onions and jalepenos.

And you know what? I ate the whole motherfucking thing. And it was delicious. But then, about halfway home, I reeeaaally didn't feel so hot. One of three things was going to happen, and soon: I needed to lie down, I needed to puke, or I needed to shit. Something had to give. I tried burping to get rid of some air in my stomach, but sadly, there was none. All meat. I started sweating like crazy and told Wifey that I needed to be dropped off before she took her brother home. What did Wifey do? Laughed her fucking ass off. Laughed, and laughed, and then laughed some fucking more. Thanks for the support, lady. Anyway, I made it home without soiling myself or puking on the steering wheel and then spent the rest of the night either lying on the couch or sitting on the toilet. And to make matters worse, I had to watch the Celtics' 82-0 season go down the figurative shitter. But I never puked! And it's a good thing, too, cuz then the one pounder wouldn't have counted and I would have had to try it again.

5. BoozeRob
You mean now I have manually count the number times I say "fuck" in each post and calculate my FPP? Well fuck you fucking fuck! How much free time do you think I have??

6. Anyone complaining about the profanity on this site

Fuck you.

/starts counting

Dorn of the Week: Joey Porter

Hey everybody! Your Dorn of the Week is Joey Porter! What's that you say? He wasn't even nominated last week? Well fuck you! I make the rules, my little bitches.

Seriously though, does Joey Porter really ever need actually be nominated for Dorn of the Week. I mean the guy's always running his mouth, making ridiculous statements, crying like the abused child that he is, so there's really no need to point it out week after week. The guy is a grade-A asshole and sometimes it's just best to tune him out.

So when he gave interview after fucking interview to each and every dipshit reporter who thinks he's getting some outrageous soundbyte when Porter talks about how hates the Pats (for the millionth time), how the Pats cheated him out of two Super Bowl rings (blowing homefield advantage wasn't his fault!), and now, how Tom Brady can ask for a penalty flag and receive it any time he wants, I pretty much just let it go. After all, the guy is an idiot. He can't help himself. Whatever.

But then! Here comes gameday! And what does Porter do to exact his revenge on the evil Patriots? Jack. Fucking. Shit. Zero sacks. Zero tackles. Zero assists. Fucking NOTHING! Oh how sweet it is. And the best part, is that the Miami Herald has balls to call the Pats organization classless for putting this on the Jumbotron towards the end of the game.

Hey, you can't argue with the stats, people. Porter talked a big game and then got his ass handed to him by a rookie offensive guard and never got close enough to Brady to even sniff his Stetson. So fuck you, Joey Porter! And enjoy your time as Dorn of the Week.

And while we're here, don't think I forgot about you, Roy Williams! You're just lucky ol' fuckhead came along and decided not to make a SINGLE play yesterday or it would be your whiny ass occupying this spot. Oh, you made 5 catches for 75 yards and your team won? Well guess who Tony Romo looked for with the game on the line? That's right, Miles Austin, the supposed #2 receiver! Listen, asshole, just shut up and play and we can all move along.

Pass the Blount!

Oregon and the Pac 10 today reinstated tailback LeGarrette Blount who has been suspended since a week 1 freak out after a total ass-kicking on the Smurf Turf by Boise State.

Is anyone really shocked by this? Oregon is the dirtiest fucking program in all of College Football. I don't care so much about the punch, but his fucking freak out after the punch is what deserved the season long suspension. Anytime a player in any sport attempts to go after the fucking crowd he should get the boot.

Coincidentally, the announcement of Blount's reinstatement comes after Oregon's backup running back LaMichael James was banged up during last weeks curb stomping by the might Tree of Stanford. Weird. Good thing for College Football that Blount is fat shell of himself.

By the way, what's with all the players with "La" or "Le" in front of their first names? I guess thats what you get from College Football's version of Project Runway.

New feature at OGDH

So I've been getting a lot of questions lately, about 90% of them are some variation of "what's with all the fucks?" Well as our tagline says: If you're offended by the word fuck, then get the fuck out! To celebrate our extravagant use of the F-bomb, we are adding a feature called "The Fucking Standings."

Just what the fuck is "The Fucking Standings"? Well think of it as the leaderboard for the use of fuck on this site. That's right, anytime one of our esteemed bloggers writes fuck or any variation of fuck, it goes on to the total. On top of that, we have created a stat to measure the frequency that each of us uses the word fuck. Enter the FPP... short for Fucks Per Post. Baseball has K's per 9 innings, football has yards per carry, and we have Fucks Per Post.

You are probably wondering "Why would you track such a stupid stat?" Well sir, then I have a question for  you....

Why the fuck not?

Current standings as of 11/8/2009:

Name	Fucks	FPP*
TheMarkShow	275	10.19
BoozeRob	107	4.86
BamaDawg	14	3.5

*FPP denotes 'Fucks Per Post'

Mmmmm That's Good Schadenfreude

Holy motherfucking tits what a great day of college football!

First, those little fucksticks from Iowa finally used up their ninth life and couldn't come back for the 100th fucking week in a row. And Boise State gladly moves up a spot in the BCS. Thanks, Northwestern!

Then, Oregon waltzes into Stanford, still drunk from celebrating the shitbeating of USC last week and promptly shits all over the field. And Boise State gladly listens to the silence as all the fucking douchebag pieces of shit like Dan Shanoff shut the fuck up about how Oregon should have been ranked higher than BSU, regardless of the head to head result. Seriously, this is a sport where the media constantly criticizes the system, and rightly so, because championships are decided by the voters, and not on actual game results, and yet here is a situation where two teams actually played each other and they are just completely discounting the results. No wonder college football is so fucked. The dickheads running the show are incompetent, and the media is even fucking worse. Fuck.

And finally, Notre Dame loses to Navy. At home. Thank. Fucking. God. If those Irish pricks had weaseled their way into a BCS bowl only to crushed for the millionth time it would have been absolutely outrageous. Fuck Notre Dame.

(By the way, I did a google image search for "nelson haha" to get that picture. An entire page of different variations came up. Except for one picture, that was just three naked dudes in various states of arousal. So, thanks for that, google. Jerks.)