Alright, Week 8! Maybe there will actually be some games that aren't won by a bazillion god damn points this week!
Home teams in CAPS
Houston (-3.5) over BUFFALO
That was a sneaky little win last week by Dick "Skeletor" Jauron, but this week Jake Delhomme isn't around to pad the defensive stats and they actually have to deal with a real offense. And fucking T.O. Either start producing for my fantasy or start acting like a complete asshole for my entertainment! Right now you're fucking me in BOTH holes!
(Wait, didn't Booze call Mark Few "Skeletor"? He did! Blasephemy, Jauron is the real Skeletor, dickwad!)
CHICAGO (-13.5) over Cleveland
I've seen teams sulk before, but those were the sulkiest bunch of sulks that ever sulked! Chin up, Cutler, this week you can tear the Browns a new asshole. Get it? Browns? Asshole? Also, be sure to fire an errant pass at that fat traitor fuck Mangini for me.
DALLAS (-9.5) over Seattle
I wanted to take the Seahawks here but with Lofa and Walter Jones hitting the IR for good this week, I'm reluctantly taking the 'Boys. Seattle will probably cruise to a win, those erratic shits.
St. Louis (+3.5) over DETROIT
Holy suckfest, Batman! It's fitting that this will be the Rams only win of the season.
INDIANAPOLIS (-12.5) over San Francisco
If Alex Smith plays this entire game I'm going to be shocked. How is this line not at least two touchdowns? I would complain about the Colts' schedule being easy but the Pats just wrapped up a two-game set with teams with a combined record of 0-12 so far.
Miami (+3.5) over New York Jets
A contest of medicore teams that love to run their stupid yappy mouths. And of course, after declaring that they were treating week 2 of the season as the Super Bowl vs. the Pats, the Jets players are now trying to make fun of the Dolphins for celebrating their win over the Jets "like they won the Super Bowl." Hey Pot! Over here! It's Kettle! I fucking loathe these two teams. I hope this ends in a tie, or a bloodbath.
BALTIMORE (-3.5) over Denver
God will somebody beat the fucking Broncos! Get stabby out there, Ray Lewis!
New York Giants (+2.5) over PHILADELPHIA
Playing a fairly sloppy game against the Skins isn't the best warmup for the G-Men. I also think that the New York and Philly are going to split the day, sports-wise, so let's get that out of the way here and let the Phillies win game 4.
(Side note: I don't hate the Yankees. I like to see them beat the Red Sox at times just to watch the Sox fans react like the world is ending. I like that they actually spend money in free agency, even if it is absurd at times. I like that I have Yankees shersey (t-shirt jersey, dummies) from little league that by some miracle still fits me and I can wear it around Boston if I'm feeling feisty. But god damn, something about the Yanks just makes me root against them when it comes to the post season. I really don't know why that is, but even as I sit there in indifference, I'm silently pulling for the Phillies. So there you, Booze and BamaDawg, fuck you! Go Phillies!)
TENNESSEE (-2.5) OVER Jacksonville
I'm taking two winless teams this week? Fuck, I must be delusional or something. And maybe I am, seeing as how I spent the entire day yesterday puking and shitting my guts out. Not good times. I'm now on a steady diet of saltines and pepto. Man, pepto sure does turn your shit black, huh? And aren't you embarrassed if you're the Jags here? The Titans are 0-6, have looked even worst than the Rams, and now here comes Vince Young and they're STILL favored? That's gotta be motivating. Or fucking demoralizing. Let's hope it's the latter.
SAN DIEGO (-16.5) over Oakland
SUICIDE PICK ALERT! After Baltimore takes out Denver, this will be a chance for the Chargers to make up a little ground in the AFC West so bring your fucking A games, people!
Minnesota (+3.5) over GREEN BAY
If the Packer fans cheer Favre, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. BOO HIM! BOO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT OF HIM! MAKE HIM CRY! LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! But on the other hand, Favre is just too much of a dickface to lose this game.
ARIZONA (-9.5) over Carolina
Think Delhomme's gonna have flashbacks when he sees those Cards helmets? It would be rad if he just flipped out and curled into the fetal position and started rocking back and forth, crying and muttering to himself like a lunatic.
NEW ORLEANS (-9.5) over Atlanta
Jesus christ did you seem them storm back against the Dolphins to not only win, but also cover the spread? That was fucking impressive. Matt Ryan may be talented (holy shit someone in the office has an Italian sub or something that smells fucking AMAZING! Fucking saltines) but he's no Drew Brees.
