College Football Picks O' The Week!

Well its Friday, and that means more College Football tomorrow! I was 2-2 last week thanks to Auburn and Oregon. Honestly I should have seen Oregon coming, but the homer in me had to take the Dawgs for the upset.

Whoops.

Anyway, on to this weeks picks!

*Note: As always, if you gamble from my picks you deserve to fucking die.


#3 Texas @ #14 Oklahoma State
Fuck the entire state of Oklahoma. Seriously.
8 pm ET, ABC

Line: Texas -9.5

No beating around the bush on this. Texas wins, and I think Texas wins big. No Dez Bryant = Who fucking cares for the Cowboys. So what if the Horns can't run the ball? Colt McCoy (Bonus! Supposedly thats his girl on the left) is going to have a goddamn field day with the OSU defense. If the Cowboys have any hope, they need to hit McCoy early and hit him often. Take the Horns and the points.

Texas 34 - Okie State 14


Washington St @ #17 Notre Dame - In San Antonio, Texas!
The "Why the fuck is this game in Texas?" Game of the Week.
7:30 pm ET, NBC

Notre Dame -27.5 (HA!)

Seriously, why the fuck is this game in Texas? Maybe because WSU is the worst draw in college football? Seriously this is a team that can't fill its own 30k seat stadium in a town with nothing to fucking do. I could only imagine Notre Dame wanting to put a patsy on the schedule but not wanting to subject their home crowd to the absolute shittiness of Coach Paul Wulff's squad. This team is so fucking bad, I would be surprised if they cross the 50 at any point in the first half.

Jimmy Clausen should have an absolute field day against an atrocious Cougar defense, further cementing himself as the best QB to have worn a speedo in College Football. Look for Golden Tate to have a repeat performance of his orgasm against the other team from Washington earlier this year.

Take touchdown Jesus for the big win.

ND 45 - WSU 3

#25 Mississippi @ Auburn
The "Dueling Banjo's" Game of the Week
12:21 PM ET, ESPN 360

Line:Auburn -4.5

First of all, fuck you Auburn for last week. I pull out the War Eagle and you fuckers get stomped by LSU? We're done, Auburn. It's over. That was the last time I let you fuck me over.

Ah who am I kidding.... I'm a sucker for southern bitches the War Eagle. Thats right, I can quit you like Lindsey Lohaan can quit doing blow.

It's no secret that Auburn's defense has struggled all season, the real surprise has been the steady decline of it's offense. Auburn managed only 10 points last week against LSU (fuck) and they're riding a three game losing streak. Ole Miss on the other hand is riding a two game win streak and RB Dexter McCluster is coming off a career game against Arkansas (137 yds Rec 1 TD, 123 yards Rushing). All signs in this game are pointing to an Ole Miss "upset", but I'm betting on the home crowd to fuel the Tigers to a win.

Auburn 24 - Ole Miss 21

GAME OF THE WEEK!
#5 USC @ #10 Oregon
The "Any chance a fucking asteroid destroys the stadium?" Bowl
8:00 PM ET, ABC

Line: USC -4

I've been thinking about this game for a couple of days now since Whoregon Oregon fans everywhere are calling this the "most important home game in our history." First of all, thats fucking pathetic. For a program that has supposedly accomplished so much since their entrance to big time football in 1994, (Ask any Duck fan, they have no idea what happened with their sorry program before Kenny Wheatons pick.) you would think they would have BCS Championships. Maybe even a couple of Rose Bowls... No, they have Sun Bowls. Neat.

Anyway, Oregon is hosting USC this week for what will certainly decide the Pac 10 title and a Rose Bowl birth (which Oregon hasn't won since sometime back in the early 1900's. Someone check the cave paintings...). Jeremiah Masoli and the Oregon offense rode a huge third quarter to squash hated rival UW last week while USC squeaked by Oregon State at home.

Is there a chink in the Trojan armor? Sure. I mean the Huskies beat them.

However, Oregon has a huge task this week of trying to score on a swarming USC defense. The last time Oregon played a team that put constant pressure on Masoli and their gimick offense, LeGarette Blount threw a punch that shocked no one familiar with the program.

Autzen stadium shouldn't bother Trojan Freshman QB Matt Barkley who performed admirably at The Ohio State University earlier this season, but then again you never know for sure how someone will react when a bottle of piss is thrown on them.

This game comes down to Defense. Oregon's D has been stellar, but USC's could replace the Detroit Lions and not miss a fucking beat. I'm taking the Trojans in this one, but I wouldn't be shocked if Oregon steals this one and runs for the Roses. If that happens, look for me standing out on the street waving my dick at traffic. Thats what happens when you polish off a half G of Johnny Walker.

USC 28 - Oregon 24

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 8

Alright, Week 8! Maybe there will actually be some games that aren't won by a bazillion god damn points this week!

Home teams in CAPS

Houston (-3.5) over BUFFALO

That was a sneaky little win last week by Dick "Skeletor" Jauron, but this week Jake Delhomme isn't around to pad the defensive stats and they actually have to deal with a real offense. And fucking T.O. Either start producing for my fantasy or start acting like a complete asshole for my entertainment! Right now you're fucking me in BOTH holes!

(Wait, didn't Booze call Mark Few "Skeletor"? He did! Blasephemy, Jauron is the real Skeletor, dickwad!)

CHICAGO (-13.5) over Cleveland

I've seen teams sulk before, but those were the sulkiest bunch of sulks that ever sulked! Chin up, Cutler, this week you can tear the Browns a new asshole. Get it? Browns? Asshole? Also, be sure to fire an errant pass at that fat traitor fuck Mangini for me.

DALLAS (-9.5) over Seattle

I wanted to take the Seahawks here but with Lofa and Walter Jones hitting the IR for good this week, I'm reluctantly taking the 'Boys. Seattle will probably cruise to a win, those erratic shits.

St. Louis (+3.5) over DETROIT

Holy suckfest, Batman! It's fitting that this will be the Rams only win of the season.

INDIANAPOLIS (-12.5) over San Francisco

If Alex Smith plays this entire game I'm going to be shocked. How is this line not at least two touchdowns? I would complain about the Colts' schedule being easy but the Pats just wrapped up a two-game set with teams with a combined record of 0-12 so far.

Miami (+3.5) over New York Jets

A contest of medicore teams that love to run their stupid yappy mouths. And of course, after declaring that they were treating week 2 of the season as the Super Bowl vs. the Pats, the Jets players are now trying to make fun of the Dolphins for celebrating their win over the Jets "like they won the Super Bowl." Hey Pot! Over here! It's Kettle! I fucking loathe these two teams. I hope this ends in a tie, or a bloodbath.

BALTIMORE (-3.5) over Denver

God will somebody beat the fucking Broncos! Get stabby out there, Ray Lewis!

New York Giants (+2.5) over PHILADELPHIA

Playing a fairly sloppy game against the Skins isn't the best warmup for the G-Men. I also think that the New York and Philly are going to split the day, sports-wise, so let's get that out of the way here and let the Phillies win game 4.

(Side note: I don't hate the Yankees. I like to see them beat the Red Sox at times just to watch the Sox fans react like the world is ending. I like that they actually spend money in free agency, even if it is absurd at times. I like that I have Yankees shersey (t-shirt jersey, dummies) from little league that by some miracle still fits me and I can wear it around Boston if I'm feeling feisty. But god damn, something about the Yanks just makes me root against them when it comes to the post season. I really don't know why that is, but even as I sit there in indifference, I'm silently pulling for the Phillies. So there you, Booze and BamaDawg, fuck you! Go Phillies!)

TENNESSEE (-2.5) OVER Jacksonville

I'm taking two winless teams this week? Fuck, I must be delusional or something. And maybe I am, seeing as how I spent the entire day yesterday puking and shitting my guts out. Not good times. I'm now on a steady diet of saltines and pepto. Man, pepto sure does turn your shit black, huh? And aren't you embarrassed if you're the Jags here? The Titans are 0-6, have looked even worst than the Rams, and now here comes Vince Young and they're STILL favored? That's gotta be motivating. Or fucking demoralizing. Let's hope it's the latter.

SAN DIEGO (-16.5) over Oakland

SUICIDE PICK ALERT! After Baltimore takes out Denver, this will be a chance for the Chargers to make up a little ground in the AFC West so bring your fucking A games, people!

Minnesota (+3.5) over GREEN BAY

If the Packer fans cheer Favre, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. BOO HIM! BOO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT OF HIM! MAKE HIM CRY! LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! But on the other hand, Favre is just too much of a dickface to lose this game.

ARIZONA (-9.5) over Carolina

Think Delhomme's gonna have flashbacks when he sees those Cards helmets? It would be rad if he just flipped out and curled into the fetal position and started rocking back and forth, crying and muttering to himself like a lunatic.

NEW ORLEANS (-9.5) over Atlanta

Jesus christ did you seem them storm back against the Dolphins to not only win, but also cover the spread? That was fucking impressive. Matt Ryan may be talented (holy shit someone in the office has an Italian sub or something that smells fucking AMAZING! Fucking saltines) but he's no Drew Brees.

Greatest Franchise of All Time! Douche

I planned on doing another post about the former Indians matchup last night, but you all know my feelings about that at this point. The only thing I want to say about that is FUCK YOU to Fox for showing a graphic of both pitchers wearing their Cleveland hats and showing this year's postseason stats. Really, Fox? You fuckheads have the nerve to keep throwing Tim McCarver out there year after year and on top of that you had to torture the Cleveland fan base some more? Fuck. You. Of course, this is nothing new for Fox. This is a network that has taken joy in bullshit like this for years, most notably in 2003 when they dedicated their entire playoff theme to the respective "curses" of the Red Sox and Cubs and ended up with the worst World Series of all time when it ended being Yanks-Marlins. But anyway, on to the whole point of this post (and without discussing Chase Utley's completely ridiculous hair. Holy gel! Even Pat Riley thinks that's too much)...

Why in the name of fuck do young fans take so much "pride" in championships that took place well before they were born, or even before their parents were born? I truly do not understand this. I constantly hear Yankees fans who are around my age (29) bragging about how they root for the greatest baseball franchise of all time. Well good for you, fuckstick. I'm glad that you can take some sort of false pride in the championships that the Yankees won in the 1920s when your fucking parents hadn't even been born yet. Same goes for young Celtics fans who champion the C's because of the ridiculous run of the Bill Russell Celtics. And don't even get me started on Steelers fans. One for the thumb? How about one for the dildo you jam up your ass every night, fuckheads. Who fucking cares?

The only thing I give a shit about is championships in my lifetime that I can remember and enjoyed. If the Indians had won the World Series at any point between 1949 and 1987 (when I actually would have remembered and enjoyed it) I really wouldn't give a shit. I want them to win NOW. I want to experience the happiness and joy I felt when the Pats won their three Super Bowls or when the Celtics won two years ago. I could give a flying fuck about the past that I don't remember. Shit, the Indians, Pats, and Celtics could have won EVERY World Series, Super Bowl, and NBA Championship up until 1987 and I still wouldn't care. I want it now. And next year, and the year after that.

So all of you fucking Yankee fans (looking at you, Artie Lange) who brag about shit that happened 70 fucking years ago can all get fucked. No one but your fucking grandparents and great grandparents remembers or even cares about that shit. Fuck off.

We don't deserve Tim McCarver's genius

While watching/storming out of the room during the Yankee "game" (seriously, if Porn Geek Matsui hits another fucking groundball dribbler I'm going to start tossing cats through windows), I was able to pick up a few words of wisdom from our era's Socrates, aka Tim McCarver:

"The left fielder is not responsible for balls hit to right field"

"The reason Jimmy Rollins wasn't able to get the groundball double play was because he caught the ball. And the reason he caught the ball was because he got leather in between the ball and the ground."

I'm so glad we have him.

Fat Girlfriends = Texas Tech Losses

Ha!

You Call That a Penis?

Idaho Ice World

Apparently hockey rinks around the country are becoming the best place to spot some wandering cock.  You read that right, cock spotting has come to hockey. In a sport already struggling for ratings, this seems like the logical next step to push then entire sport into the hearts of Americans everywhere.

BOISE, Idaho -- An Idaho junior hockey team was banished temporarily from a city ice rink after players engaged in a game of "strip hockey" -- shedding a piece of equipment every time a practice shot missed its mark.

Get the fuck out of town! Why were they suspended for playing strip ice hockey like all the normal boys?

I remember when I played hockey in high school, ironically at this very same rink in Boise, we all dreamed of the day when we could just finally kick off the pads, lose the sticks, and take a slap shot with our dicks. These kids are merely pioneers crusading for bi-curious hockey players across America.

The real hero's in all of this are the members of the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning. It was the Lightning who inspired these kids to explore their own icy homo-eroticism by putting on their own display of sexy ice time last week. Did I mention there's video??





Just boys being boys... I guess. At least Martin St. Louis and the rest of his Tampa teammates didn't get completely naked. I'm sure none from the Idaho team did either...

Wait, they did? Blimey!

As redress for last Wednesday's incident, the Idaho Junior Steelheads team was forbidden by the city of Boise from using Idaho Ice World for four days, and one 17-year-old player who shed his underwear briefly was suspended until next week.

And:

At least one 17-year-old player doffed his underwear completely, to "moon" another player.

Wait, what the fuck does doffed mean?

Anyway, the sexy party was eventually done in by some pervert in the next rink who was with his young daughter. He was so disgusted by all of this he called the City of Boise hot line to complain. The investigation is ongoing, but apparently taking your underwear off in a hockey rink violates Boise's public decency laws.

As for the mooner, team owner John Olver says he was punished by the team.

"His behavior didn't live up to our player code of conduct," said Olver

Rock out with your cocks out!


Source: ESPN

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Glen Davis

And here we have Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Our first nominee for the week. Let's role play for one second here: I'm a 24-year old NBA player who just signed a fairly lucrative extension and it's a few days away from the season opener against the fucking Lebrons. I'll tell you I wouldn't be fucking doing...getting in a drunken fist fight with my best friend that ends up breaking my thumb, requiring fucking surgery, and missing about 6 weeks of the season. YOU STUPID FAT FUCK! Jesus christ, how hard is it to have a few drinks with your buddy and not end up throwing fucking blows! I hope the Celtics fine the shit out of you, you sniffling piece of blubber. Jesus fuck.

Why I'm Rooting for the Yankees

That's right you read that correctly. I'm rooting for the Evil Empire to hammer the Phillies the way Mandingo hammers Bridget the Midget.

I want the Yankees to win the whole fucking thing.


Years of hanging out with BamaDawg have turned me into a closet Yankee fan. With the hometown Mariners being enormous piles of shit more interested in playing "Cotton Eye Joe" during the 8th inning that actually winning a fucking game, I am forced to turn to the Anti-Mariners, and that would be the Yanks. You see, the Mariners aren't exactly have nots in Major League Baseball... no they are in the 12th largest media market, owned by fucking Nintendo, and have an enormous Pacific Rim following. In fact, until this season the Mariners were ranked by Forbes as the 4th most valuable team in all of baseball. Now after years of neglect and the effective pussification of the entire organization, their value has plumeted to 13th and they own the oldest lineup of slap hitting cheesedicks in all of baseball.

If any of you are thinking, "but they have Ichiro!", Fuck off. Fuck off right now you fucking, fuck. Ichiro is a slap hitting silly nanny. I want some god damn power in my lineup like the Murderer's Row of old featuring Griffey, Edgar Martinez, Tino Martinez, A-rod, and Jay fucking Buhner.

So enter the Yankees... a team that has endless resources and is not afraid to use them. No the Yankees don't sit around with a 90 million dollar payroll hoping to maybe break .500 and finish second in the West... they break the fucking bank to win titles. Why can't I have just one team like that in this sports depressed city? Instead we have the previously mentioned Mariners, the football retarded Seahawks, the defensively inept Washington Huskies, and the lonely ghost of the Sonics.

So onto my prediction:
Yankees in 6 - MVP to CC Sabathia just to piss off TheMarkShow.

And the Yankees will hit some long balls too instead of slap hitting some singles...

Chicks (and dicks) dig the long ball.

Dorn of the Week: Steve Phillips

Who didn't see this one coming? It's damn near impossible to beat out Steve and his love of manly fat chicks for this week's "Dorn of the Week." I almost feel bad about this because its just so fucking easy. Anyway, unless you've been living in a fucking cave, you probably heard Stevey bailed on his wife to stick his old dick in this hot piece:

Steve, what the fuck are you thinking? Brooke Hundley is the kind of girl you fuck in college after spending an entire night playing flip cup with a bottle of 151. You know, the girl you wake up next to, silently cry for an hour in the safety of your closet then panic as you try to figure out a clever reason to get her the fuck out of your room before your roommates walk in to find the water buffalo you just assfucked grazing on that old bag of Cheetos. Kudos Steve, I'm not nearly as good looking, famous, or wealthy, but I can safely say you have fucked an uglier girl than I have.

So Steve, as you head off to check into treament for "sex addiction," better known as treatment for having a dick, take some solace in the fact that you have joined the elite as our second "Dorn of the Week."

Fucktard.

Why the hell is there candy in front of my door?

This is what I came home to today. What the fuck is that?? Why is there a bag of shitty candy corn at the foot of my doorway? Holy shit if this is the apartment complex's way of telling me that we're opening the doors to trick or treaters this year I'm going to fucking lose my mind.

/hustles down the hall to check other doors. No candy.
//heads up to 3rd floor to do the same. No candy.

I shit you not, I stood there staring at this stupid bag of candy corn for a solid 5 minutes. Did I piss off the old people somehow? Is this like an IED or something? Is it poisoned? Is this some kind of sick joke since candy corn is the worst fucking candy ever? I'm telling you, I was fucking flummoxed.

After carefully examining the situation like I was on the fucking bomb squad I finally decided it was probably just a gift from our neighbor across the hall, the one senior citizen I like in this place. Jesus, Al, next time leave a note to tell me everything's ok like you did when you left the pears earlier this year (not that we ate those either, but still). I'm fucking terrified of the wrath of the other old people in this fucking place. Those old fucks on death's doorstep have nothing to lose!

And there's no way in mother fucking hell I'm eating this candy corn.

Wifey's take: Oh that's so sweet of Al to leave us that! I love him!

Wifey, you are way too trusting of the elderly.

Monday Moring Eff You: October 26, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction. Let's get this fucker underway, in no particular order:

1. The BCS Rankings
Now, I have no problem with TCU jumping over Boise State in the rankings. Sure, it pisses me off, but I saw that shit coming. What I can't fucking see is how in the fuck, Iowa could jump to #4 after needing every goddamn second in the game to pull a win out of their asses at Michigan State. How the fuck are they ranked ahead of TCU, nevermind Boise State and Cincinatti. Complete and utter bullshit. And I guess the computers actually COULD hear Pete Carroll crying like a little bitch after last week's rankings since USC somehow jumped up 2 spots as well after beating unranked Oregon State at home. By 6 lousy fucking points. Get fucked, Pete Carroll, you and the BCS rankings can just fuck right off.

2. Mark Shapiro
Surprise! I'm saying Fuck You to Mark Shapiro! I, for one, am not fucking ready for the Manny Acta Era in Cleveland. I am depressed as all hell and the god damn playoffs aren't even over yet. 2010 is going to be a motherfucking abortion of a season for the Indians, and that's saying something, considering these last two years. And of course, with the Yankees finally finishing off the Angels last night (fuck you too, rain delay!) we are now set for the Game 1 matchup of Cliff Lee vs. C.C. Sabathia. Fuck my fucking life.

3. Brett Favre
He'll be here every week. Fucking asshole. But holy sweet jesus was that fun watching him puke the game away yesterday. Adrian Peterson destroys William Gay's shit, heads to the sideline for a breather and to revel in his awesomeness and all of a sudden...FUMMMMBBBBLLLLE! And they're off to the races. That was delicious. The subsequent pick 6 followed by a game ending sack were just icing and the cherry on top. Fuck you right in the ear, Brett Favre.

4. The NFL slate of games
Well, that was one boring, piece of shit Sunday, huh? Blowout city all over the god damn place. Would it kill some of you shitty teams to actually make things interesting for once? It would? Well fuck you then.

5. The asshole old people who live in my apartment building
The majority of the tenants in my apartment complex are senior citizens and some of them are complete dickheads. There are three different cars that refuse to use just one parking space and consistently park diagonally across two spaces. This drives me fucking insane. And it's always GOOD spaces that are getting wasted. Also, in the basement, there is a little area with a bunch of shopping carts near the elevators. This comes in handy because instead of making 52 trips back and forth to the car after a shopping trip we can just load everything into a cart and take the elevator. There's a HUGE fucking sign instructing people to return the carts when they are done with them. But do they? These lazy old fucks? Of course not. And this weekend, after going shopping, there were NO carts and I was fucking enraged. I went storming up the stairs, checking each floor for carts, finally found one on the fifth floor and made as much noise as possible banging the cart around the hall to get it back to the elevator. I hope it ruined some game of Mah Jong or something. Then, after getting my groceries and heading back inside, some crotchety old fuck gave me the evil eye and hissed "You know you need to bring that back after you're done, right?" That fucking prick is lucky I didn't go straight to ramming speed and destroy his brittle hips. What a dick.

Next week I'll actually try to get this up in the morning, fuckers.

NFL Picks O' The Week! Week 7

Well here we go, time for me to dish out some shitty picking advice. Put your money on my picks at your own fucking risk. (Home teams in CAPS)

San Diego (-5.5) over KANSAS CITY
The Chiefs are fucking awful. Matt Cassel is proving week after week that he pretty much swindled KC into that huge contract. It's becoming pretty clear that his success was due to Belichick and the talent on the Patriots roster much more than the talent in himself. Which isn't much. What an asshole. It's like winning the fucking lottery, backing up two Heisman winners and Brady, then benefiting from the best NFL system in the league and suddenly he gets 60 million dollars. Fuck my life.

Indianapolis (-14) over ST. LOUIS
My suicide pool pick this week. I don't give a shit if Indy only wins by 1 point, but this is probably gonna be a blowout. Peyton Manning is on fucking fire. And the Colts are coming off a bye.

Green Bay (-7) over CLEVELAND
This line has been taken off of bodog.com, which means everyone and their fucking mother is banging the Packers like they're auditioning for Brazzers. Excellent game to throw in a tease.

PITTSBURGH (-5) over Minnesota
Hey, a home team I like! Actually, I have no fucking clue what is going to happen in this game (unlike the other games where I'm fucking Nostradamus). If I were actually putting money on these games, I wouldn't touch this game with BamaDawg's dick, but I just have a feeling this is the first (of many) Favre implosions.

New England (-15.5) over TAMPA BAY (in London, ya fucking wankers)
Possibly a letdown game for the Pats after last week's raping of the Titans, but the homer in me says this is gonna be a similar blowout.

San Francisco (+3) over HOUSTON
Houston has fucked me all year long in my picks league and I expect this week to be no different so I'm hedging my bets here. I'm picking Houston in my non-spread league and the Niners in my spread league.

OAKLAND (+7) over New York Jets
Another homer pick. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck the Jets and their fans.

Buffalo (+7) over CAROLINA
The Panthers shouldn't be favored by a touchdown over anyone except for the Rams.

CINCINNATI (pick 'em) over Chicago
The Bengals get back on track this week and Cutler sulks. At least I'll have one part of this prediction correct.

New Orleans (-7) over MIAMI
Drew Breesus continues his assault on the league and Gregggggg Williams shuts down the wildcat. Bonus points if/when Joey Porter says something fucktarded after the game.

Atlanta (+4) over DALLAS
Another loss in Jerry's World. Will this be the game a punt FINALLY hits the fucking video screen. Aim for that shit, punters! If this entire season passes without a single punt nailing that fucker I'm going to be seriously disappointed.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7) over Arizona
Kind of a risky pick since the weather could play a factor and Elisha falls apart in the wind but the Giants have to be pissed off after taking a shitbeating in the Big Easy last week. Plus you know Anquan Boldin is going to be terrified of going over the middle since his last visit to the Meadowlands.



Philadelphia (-7) over WASHINGTON
The Zorn Watch continues! A lot of people are upset with Philly for the piece of shit they crapped out in Oakland last week. Not me! Sure, it cost me some points in the picks league but it also knocked a fuckload of people out of the suicide pools I'm in. Fucking. Party.


BYE over SEATTLE
Bye wins this one in a fucking rout.

Someone took Mark Few's bottle

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the sound coming out of Spo-compton, Washington today. Surprise, surprise, its from Mark Few... college basketball's biggest pussy.

On Wednesday, the Univeristy of Washington (of the Pac 10 conference, remember that) proposed renewing it's series with Gonzaga (of the vaunted WCC) at a neutral court in Key Arena. The proposal would allow both Zaggot fans and UW fans to see their teams once again face off in a battle for State supremacy with a 50/50 allotment of tickets.

Too bad Mark Few is a baby:

"The chances of that happening are about the same as Big Foot having my baby," Few said. "That's like me saying, Gonzaga proposes a five-year deal at Spokane Arena. There, I just made a proposal. That's as logical as this deal [would be]."

UW Coach Lorenzo Romar doesn't seem to understand why Few has so much sand in his vagina:

Romar told me on Thursday that he didn't see the issue of KeyArena as a permanent site to be a dealbreaker. "We just sent out the proposal. It's too early for me to start marking territory," Romar said. "We always said eventually we wanted to resume the series. We've made a proposal and we'll have to see what happens."

Well apparently what happens is that Mark Few whines like a little bitch. Someone needs to remind Mark Few that he coaches at the Boise State of College Basketball. If he wants to play the big boys, he needs to go there or as was proposed in this case, hit up a neutral court. Gonzaga already plays one game a season in Key Arena so stupidly dubbed "The Battle in Seattle." So why can't they play this?

50/50 ticket split, Mark. Its not a home game for UW... its a game in the biggest media market in the Northwest. Fucktard.

Source: Seth Davis CNNSI

College Football Picks O' The Week!

It's almost Saturday, and that means its almost time for some fucking College Football! Fuck yeah! Since I like College Football, I thought I would share my genius with the world and make some picks for you all this week.

*Note: If you gamble from my picks, you deserve to fucking die.

#13 Penn State @ Michigan
The Coaches with Fucktarded Nicknames Bowl
3:30 PM ET, ABC

Penn State favored by 4 Points

Joe-Pa and his degenerative hips roll into the Big House to face Rich-Rod and his two headed freshmen QB monster. Penn State has not won at Ann Arbor since 1996, but with the inside shot on the Big 10 title on the line, Penn State looks like the good pick this week.

Penn State 34 - Michigan 17

#8 TCU @ #16 BYU
The "Hey look at us!" game of the week.
7:30 PM ET, No TV because no one gives a fuck.
TCU by 1

A Mountain West battle made all the more special by the ESPN GameDay crew rolling into town to stroke one out for the little guy. The mighty Horned Frogs are looking to win out and almost certainly jump fellow BCS Buster Boise State for the right to play in the Fiesta Bowl. No BCS Title game for this shitty little conference school, play some good teams, then pop off!

Back to the game, TCU owns the nations 4th longest winning streak and is seeking to beat America's only cult sponsored team for the second year in a row (send complaints to BoozeRob@OGDH.com). I looked into my magic hat full of seer stones and have seen the outcome.

TCU 24 - BYU 21


Auburn @ #9 LSU
War Eagle is looking to take a shit in Death Valley
7:30 PM ET, ESPN2
LSU by 8.5

LSU's offense has looked pretty shitty this season being led by the pretty fucking ineffective Jordan Jefferson.  That being said, the last 5 meetings between these two schools have been decided by a grand total of 19 points with LSU taking 3 of the 5.

Auburn on the other hand is averaging 35 points a game led by QB Chris Todd and a couple of nice backs staring at his ass behind him.

I'm taking Auburn in this one... WAR EAGLE MOTHER FUCKERS!

Auburn 31 - LSU 24

GAME OF THE WEEK
#11 Oregon @ Washington
The battle of two teams that truly fucking hate each other.
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Oregon by 10.

No joking around here, these two teams fucking hate each other. I mean really fucking hate each other. While both schools have their traditional rivals in Oregon State and Washington State, ask anybody from either school and they will tell you they would rather beat the Dawgs or the Ducks.

Since getting their shit stomped in Boise way back in September, Oregon has gotten on a roll winning their last five... granted they really haven't beaten anybody and this could be their first real test since. Washington has pulled off an impressive turnaround from their 0-12 finish last season, beating USC at home and pulling off an impressive last second win against Arizona. UW also took Notre Dame to overtime and lost to Arizona State on a last second breakdown in coverage.

Even though Oregon has won the last 5 in this series, make no mistake, UW owns this series by a large margin. OGDH is predicting an end to the Ducks winning streak due to the heroics of the best player on the field, UW QB Jake Locker. Its going to be a great day of booze, bitches, and victory over at Montlake.

UW 34 - Oregon 28

So I'm a homer, wanna fucking fight about it?

Fuck the Ducks!

I Got Nothing

Man, it's rare that a day passes without something to bitch about, but damn, today was just boring. Here are some youtube clips to keep you occupied until we ramp up the posts for the weekend.









Jesus, Japan has some fucked up and awesome game shows.

Hey A-Hole, STFU!

So Terrelle Pryor's high school coach felt the need to chime in on the struggles of the Ohio State University's sophomore quarterback. And I quote:

"They need Terrelle to run more," former Jeannette (Pa.) High School coach Ray Reitz said. "They've put the reins on him and they need to let him go free. When I watch Terrelle play right now, I see a robot."

Oh, you see a robot, eh? You know what I see? A shitty QB who was overrated coming out of high school who can't handle the next level. Yeah, I get it, he was a monster in high school. Know why? Because it was fucking high school football and he was playing against vastly inferior competition and was able to run all over the fucking place without getting tackled. Jesus. You coach at fucking Jeannette High School! Now, I know nothing about that school or the pedigree of Ray Reitz but what I do know is that Jeannette is the name of my grandmother, and I'm pretty sure any high school with the same name as my grandma probably doesn't play the same type of competition that a Big 10 school does. So shut the fuck up, asshole, and live with the fact that Terrelle Pryor might not be the revolutionary QB that you thought he was. Dick.

Henry Hill Reacts to the Jimmy Rollins Walkoff Hit

Despite my complete and utter indifference to the NLCS, this is pretty brilliant.



Wait, did I say indifference? For two seconds I forgot about Cliff Lee, the 2008 Cy Young winner and former Cleveland Indian. Fuck me. And fuck you, Mark Shapiro.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Steve Phillips

Hoo boy. Gonna take some serious asshattery for someone to overtake Stevey boy for the win. Married with 4 kids, cushy ESPN job, and you choose to stick your dick in THAT? Fucking incredible. What a dumbfuck.

In all honesty though, who could blame him? I mean look at this hot piece he cheated on his wife with!

Famous dudes get all the bitches.

A rebuttal from BamaDawg

BamaDawg is packing up his fucking cat (who managed to piss on him last night. Ha!) and getting the fuck out of Alabama today, so he has no internet access to reply to TheMarkShow. He instead asked that I pass along the following message to TheMarkShow:


"Burn in hell mother fucker!"


Short, but to the point.

Your move, Mark.

Eff You, C.C.

So C.C. Sabathia went out last night and threw another ho-hum gem of a fucking game. Well la-di-fucking-da. That big, fat, GINORMOUS (FUCK YOU BAMADAWG!) piece of fuck can drown in a pool of shit as far as I'm concerned. Oh, now that you're on the fucking Yankees you can suddenly pitch in the postseason? Fuck you! It might have helped a little bit in the 2007 ALCS if you hadn't dropped two steaming piles of elephant shit on the mound. Were you really that scared of Josh Beckett? I bet if I had slopped some BBQ sauce on that stupid Texan hick you wouldn't have shit your pants in fear, huh? Fuck you, Sabathia!

God I can't wait to call BamaDawg the second after the next Yankees loss. Cocksucker.

Dorn of the week nominees

Meet our first two three nominees this week:

James Tait - Horse Fucker who fucked more horses... and dogs too!

Nazeih Hammouri - Does not like clogged toilets

Halos Heaven - Honestly thinks Mariano Rivera has been blatantly spitting on balls his entire career.

We're off to a quick start this week!

LA back to the NFL?

The Governator hopes so...

Looks like LA is trying to get back into the NFL with the potential owners supposedly targeting 7 existing teams hoping to entice them to move to LA. According to NBC LA, the group will be looking at existing teams in California... that means you fans of the Chargers, Raiders, and 49ers.

Yahoo! Sports is reporting the other teams on the list maybe the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Minnesota Vikings with LA possibly seeking to bring 2 teams. This can't be good news for New Orleans Saints fans either.

Seahawks fans may remember the great scare of the mid 1990's when Ken Behring actually had the moving vans hauling gear down to LA only to be saved by a lawsuit and Paul Allen coming along to buy the team.

Might I suggest that Majestic Realty Co contact Clay Bennett for some advice on poaching teams?

Carpet bagging mother fucker.

Fans already calling for Jim L. Mora's head

Well that sure escalated quickly.

Only 6 games into his first season as the Hawk's head man, fans are already wondering what the fuck the team was thinking with the hiring of the fiery young coach who played his college ball at the nearby University of Washington (FUCK YEAH!). Less than a year after the locals in Seattle were mounting a futile campaign to convince Jimmy to return to his alma matter, fans of the Seahawks are already clamoring for a change. I guess thats what happens when you try to replace the legendary walrus, Mike Holmgren... or when your offensive line consists of 4th stringers pulled off the fucking street. Seriously, did anyone see Hassel-balls running for his life on Sunday? Probably not since nobody gives a fuck about the Seahawks anyway.

Anywho... so just how pissed are the fans? Well lets take a look at the internets to find out. If you are lucky enough to have local sports radio host Dave "Softy" Mahler as one of your super close Facebook friends, you may have seen his call to his loyal followers to submit questions for Mora's regular Monday press conference.

A sampling of the fan submitted questions:

"When is he going to own up to anything. The first thing out of his mouth every press conference is the injury excuse. Oh excuse me "reasons" not excuses."

"Ask him if he's been UA'd lately, because after the game yesterday said the D played pretty good."

"Tell him to call daddy and get bill cowher's phone number"

"Ask him when the next flight out of Sea-Tac is"

"Ask him when he's gonna quit and let holmgren take over."

Ouch. All of this from the fanbase that touts themselves as the best in the nation.

Further evidence in the form of ESPN's coach approval ratings:

Need to put that into some context? Well after week 1, Mora was fifth on that list with a whopping 87% approval rating.

Fickle are the bandwagon fans of Seattle.

It's tough to blame Mora for all of the problems plaguing the Seahawks. The team is old, slow, constantly hurt, and has a tub of shit in the GM position. At this point if you want to blame Mora for anything, it should be for the hiring of offensive coordinator Greg Knapp. This dumbfuck seems to be running the playbook out of TecmoBowl complete with 3rd and short reverses to the slowest receiver on the team. How exactly is Knapp better than Gil Haskell? Fuck if I know.

So with the likelihood of the playoffs slipping farther away each week, its probably time for Mora to start looking toward the draft where the Hawks hold two first round picks. Might I suggest a QB (*COUGH* Jake Locker *COUGH*) and a left tackle?

If it doesn't work out Jimmy, you can take some solace in my sister thinking that you are "kinda hot."

You know what really grinds my gears?

Do you want to know what really grinds my gears? Jenna Elfman continuing to get chances at sitcoms. How many chances does a not funny, not attractive, not good at acting actress get? For some ungodly reason "Dharma and Greg" lasted 5 years. I'd rather watch Sex and the City with Mariah Carey playing in the background than even listen to the theme song of "Dharma and Greg". When that show failed, television apparently thought it was a good idea to give her another tv show that was basically the same as the first one, except the roles were reversed. Naturally, that epically failed and didn't make it past Season 1. Three years later, apparently tv watchers are retarded or their memory falls in line with the legal system's statute of limitations - at least that's what television producers are counting on, because this no-talent bunt got yet another show that's destined to fail. But hey, in 3 years we can count on her cranking out another piece of shit pilot.


You know what else really grinds my gears? The word "ginormous". Never understood the meaning of it. It combines two words that mean the same thing, and apparently the creator of the word thought this combination would be like 1+1 = 2, which works fine for numbers, but not necessarily for words. Ginormous means the same thing as gigantic and enormous, so it's a pointless word that just makes people dumber every time they hear it. The wife knows better than to say it around me, otherwise she'll get a cupful of gasoline tossed on her. (I'm not lighting her on fire - she's my wife and future mother of my children, you sick fucks. I don't want her burnt.)

Two other things really grind my gears, which just came about while watching the Angels/Yankees playoff game. First, Brian Fuentes' throwing motion. How the fuck is this guy in the major leagues with that kind of crap-flailing arm action? It's a baseball Brian - not a dried-up horse apple (for you idiots that don't know your Shawshank, that's a piece of horseshit). Joe Girardi and his incessant need to make lineup changes also grinds my gears. He yanks Damon in the bottom of the 11th for Jerry Hairston as a defensive replacement. Normally, I'm cool with that, but Jerry Hairson was already the DH! This meant the pitcher would bat in Damon's spot, which was coming up 3rd in following inning. If you wanted to make a pitching change for the next inning, no problem - thing is, that guy named Rivera was on the mound. And he's someone you kinda want out there as long as possible. To cap that off, in the bottom of the 12th Girardi yanked right-hander Dave Robertson, who got two quick and easy outs, for another right-handed pitcher. Who promptly gave up the game-winning double. Who doesn't have near the stuff that Robertson had. But since two outs had occurred, Joe was getting bored and felt he needed to get some exercise, so out to the mound he goes to call in the douche that gave the Angels the opportunity to get back in the game.

The last thing that really grinds my gears is when friends, family, or other people I know call me after my favorite team(s) loses a big game (kind of like today's ALCS), asking me if I watched or had seen the game. Gee fucker, I had completely forgotten that my favorite team was playing in a playoff series that determined whether it would go to the World Series, but hey thanks for calling to tell me that my team fucking lost. Or, you're just a complete fucking dickhead, knew I had watched the game, and just felt like calling to rub it in because for some reason you get pleasure out of my misery. It's one thing if it's a chick (or, my mom and/or sister) calling to act petty, but for a buddy to do it just flat out pisses me off. Next time you get in a car accident or get hair in your food I'll be there with my finger in your face laughing my goddamn ass off!!

And that folks, is what really grinds my gears.

D-U-N

Well, that 3-0 start sure seems like fucking ages ago, huh? Dear god this is just beautiful. Look at that fat fuck. I can't tell if he's worried about not making the shitter on time or if he's actually upset about the pathetic loss to the Bills on Sunday. At home. I guess that's the kind of shit that happens when you think that week 2 of the season is the Super Bowl. Well, congrats on winning the Super Bowl in September, Jets fans. Because that's the only Super Bowl you're even going to fucking sniff this season. Just pack it in and save yourselves the time and heartbreak the rest of the season is going to be. The "Sanchise" has come back to Earth after a nice start. And by "come back to Earth" I mean he plummeted out of the sky like a sack of fucking bricks. 5 picks and single-handedly costing the team the game on a day when Thomas Jones rushed for 210? Outstanding. And the vaunted defense? Well say goodbye to Kris Jenkins, the most indispensable player on the team, Jets fans. It's over. I hope you're ready for a 3rd place finish in the division. Your tears sustain me.

Oh God No

According to multiple sources, the Cleveland Indians have narrowed their search for a new manager to two candidates, and holy jesus I almost passed out (and not the good kind of passing out) when I heard the names: Bobby Valentine and Manny Acta. We'll get to Valentine in a second, but let's start with Acta. This incompetent piece of shit was fired by the Washington Nationals in fucking July! The Nationals, who finished with the worst record in the league, thought this guy was so bad that they kicked his ass out the door halfway through the season. When a team has an assemblage of talent as shitty as the Nationals, and zero expectation of actually winning anything, it's almost a given that the manager will make it through the entire year. Not Acta. Shitcanned in July. By the worst team in baseball. That is god damn pathetic.

And then we get to this guy:

It speaks volumes that Valentine is clearly the better candidate here. Volumes about the shittiness of Manny Acta. Volumes about how far the Tribe have fallen since the run to the ALCS in 2007. And volumes about how Mark Shapiro is trying to destroy my soul. At the rate this shit is going, Grady Sizmore is going to get traded at the deadline next season and the wife will come home to find me hanging in the closet. God. Fucking. Dammit.

On the other hand, if Valentine ever breaks out the Groucho glasses again, it could be the only highlight of what is sure to be a dismal 2010 Indians season.

The Dorn of the Week: Dante Wesley

Congratulations, Dante Wesley. You are the inaugural 'Dorn of the Week.' So what did Mr. Wesley do to earn this prestigious award? Well have a look for yourself at this fuckstick in action:






Look I'm not a Bucs fan and I have nothing against the Panthers, but that was some cheap head hunting bullshit right there. I mean the ball wasn't even there yet and that fucker left the ground and went straight for the poor bastard's head. If you look closely, I think you can actually see Clifton Smith shit his fucking pants when he's trying to figure out what planet he just landed on. My favorite part of the video is Wesley running his mouth after he was ejected arguing that he did nothing wrong. Really Dante?

You cheap fuck. Your flaming bag of shit is in the mail.

Dishonorable Mention: Nick Punto, Charlie Weis, Jimmy Clausen, The entire Tennessee Titans team, UW's prevent defense, Balloon Boy's parents, Jerry Layne.

Man Hazards

What is a man hazard you ask? Well its something that could only happen to a man due to their unique anatomy (Read: I can pee standing up and you bitches can't!). So anyway, this morning I suffered from the biggest man hazard of all. Sitting on your own fucking balls. Holy shit that hurts. If you don't have a set of nads, then your really don't understand the pain. Any of you women who say child birth hurts more than getting hit in the balls, stop your bitching, this is about me. I'm not really sure how it happens, but I shifted my weight and suddenly I'm in an enormous amount of pain. After the initial shock wears off, I look down only to realize my testicles are stuck under my leg.

Fuck.

So anyway, being the amazing part time investigative journalist that I am, I decided to Google "sitting on your own balls." First result was this gem from WikiAnswers:

Well played, Sir. Well played.

How not to play prevent defense

Courtesy of my Washington Huskies. Fuck.

Throw The Damn Towel!

Holy shit this is a massacre! Perfect QB rating, FIVE touchdown passes in the 2nd quarter! Get ready for some serious Brian Hoyer action in the 2nd half, people. I'm fucking giddy right now.

Dorn of the Week Nominee

Jerry Layne won't be the first Dorn of the Week. Let's just get that out of the way. But fuck if I'm gonna let his asshattery slide. In case you missed it, last night, in the bottom of the 10th inning of the fucking ALCS, hip hip Jorge Posada grounded into a routine double play, 4-6-3. But wait! Jerry Layne called Melky Cabrera safe because Erick Aybar failed to tag second base before completing the turn. Un-fucking-believable. This type of play happens hundreds of times throughout the course of a baseball season and the umpires ALWAYS let it slide unless the throw to 2nd base pulls the fielder away from the bag, which didn't happen here. It was a perfect toss, perfect turn, Aybar straddled the bag and fired to first. Should have been a double play. But no, Jerry Layne, apparently not satisfied with all of the shit that the umpires took during the division series, just had to be an asshole.

Here's where all the dickheads and Yankees fans (hooray redundancy!) interject. It was the correct call! He never touched the bag! Doesn't. Fucking. Matter. Even Joe Buck and Tim McCarver spoke up and killed the call. That's how you know it's fucking terrible. This wasn't a blown call. Umpires are human and god knows they can make mistakes when plays are happening at a million miles an hour. This was an umpire making a conscious decision to fuck with the game and attempt to hand the Yankees a win. What a fucking asshole.

So congratulations, Jerry Layne, you're our first Dorn of the Week nominee. You won't win, because the Angels got out of the inning and let you off the hook, but god damn that was a hell of an effort. Douche.

Fox Sucks, and so does Jimmy

I'm watching the pre-game for Game 2 of the ALCS and 30 seconds into it I'm already in a bad mood. The studio host is Chris Rose - how this guy is allowed anywhere near sports, let alone gets to host a sports show (which, coincidentally, was fucking awful) and then the pre-game for the MLB playoffs is beyond me. You could line him up next to RuPaul, have them both read a sentence out loud, and I would point at him and say "THAT'S the gay guy" every single time (not that there's anything wrong with that). I could handle his fairy ways if he wasn't a complete moron, but he is, so I can't.

The only thing that's keeping the cat from getting its ass beat tonight was Jimmy Clausen blowing a golden (pun intended - I'm so clever) chance to throw a game-tying touchdown pass TWICE against USC. But since he's a crybaby piece of shit, he has bad karma and wasn't close on either throw. Seriously, I saw this guy cry like a 5 year old who go his ball taken away when he slid on the ground and a defender put two hands on his back, wanting roughing the passer. Uh Jimmy? It's football - if you don't like to be touched, go play fucking tennis or something. Although I'm guessing if you did that, you'd want Serena to ram her tennis ball somewhere other than your mouth. Nice speedo.

So Close...

"And it's a bittersweet playing of the alma mater for Notre Dame."

That line, followed by shots of a somber Notre Dame team halfheartedly listening to the school song just made up for the disappointment of having Florida pull a win out of the their fucking collective asses earlier. God dammit, Arkansas, you forced FOUR turnovers and still couldn't pull of the win? How about getting a kicker who isn't going to miss two crucial field goals. Jesus.

Can you imagine the schadenfreude if Florida had lost? I sure as shit can. I'd be reveling in the excuses everyone would make for Tebow's concussed ass. I'd throw a party as they ripped down the plaque of Tebow's horseshit promise after last year's loss to Ole Miss.

I'd have taken my pants off and run around my apartment screaming "WOOOOOOOOO PIG SOOOOOOIE!" and surely scaring the bejesus out of the wife. It would have been fucking glorious.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. And now we get at least another week of hearing about the Legend of Tebow. Fucking bullshit. Instead I have to settle for Oklahoma's loss, as eloquently summed up by Booze, and the always pleasant experience of watching Notre Dame shit the bed. I was fucking pumped when they reviewed the final play and put 1 second back on the clock. Now the shithead ND fans had hope! One more play! Clausen for Heisman! Yeah, not quite, dickheads.

Oklahoma Loses. Bradford Hurt. I Laugh.

I love when Oklahoma loses. Hell I love when any team from Oklahoma loses. Fuck the state that stole my SEATTLE SuperSonics and pretends like it was done in a totally legitimate and respectable way.

Fuck you Oklahoma.

Even worse for the people of Oklahoma, Star QB Sam Bradford went down early in the first quarter and failed to return. Early reports indicate he has a sore vagina and its expected to bleed for the remainder of the season.

Fuck you Oklahoma!

Somewhere in the 100 degree heat of Arizona, UW QB Jake Locker is preparing for his game against ASU tonight by practicing writing million dollar checks. Projected by many "experts" to be a top 10 pick and the 2nd QB taken, Locker may be the biggest benefactor of Bradford's sore pussy. Scouts who are already worried about Bradford's shoulder may begin to take a harder look at the Junior QB out of Washington. While he doesn't put up Bradford-esque numbers through the air, there is no other QB in the country who is as physically gifted as Locker (That includes you Tebow, you fuck).

So as Bradford walks to the trainers room to look for some Vagisil, it appears the state of Oklahoma may have just given me and the city of Seattle one more big fuck you. If Locker is projected to be the first QB taken, how do you expect him to come back for his senior season?

Seriously. FUCK YOU OKLAHOMA!!

Well here we are...

Look at this fucking place.

It's not much to look at, but I'm guessing the six of you who found this blog really don't give a shit anyway.

Before any of you ask, no this place isn't a Cleveland Indians fan site. Personally I say fuck the Indians. Who really cares about those assholes outside of Mark? What I'm hoping is that some of you out there are familiar with the greatest sports movie of all time. If you said, "For the Love of the Game" just get the fuck out now. For those of you with your testicles (or sweet yams) still attached to your body you probably recognize our namesake as a quote from the great Harry Doyle in "Major League." Why do we love Harry Doyle? Well if there was ever a man who could fire off a rant and generally not give a shit what he said, Harry Doyle was that guy.

Some of you detective types may have noticed that little box to the left titled 'Dorn of the Week.' You might be wondering just what in the fuck that is... Well, that's our little award for the biggest douche bag in the fucking world for any given week. Right now we plan on unveiling a new 'Dorn' every Monday, but for the time being I'm inclined to give it to our very own BitchDuck. Seriously, you couldn't come up with a better name? Go fuck yourself you lazy fuck. I guess living in Alabama really does make you stupid.

Rant on fuckers.

Welcome to 'One God-Damn Hit?'

This is 'One God-Damn Hit?' This will be a blog of rants, mostly about sports, but also about life in general. We'll have rants about sports teams, players, fans, owners, and everything else that goes along with following sports. But we'll also include rants about everyday bullshit. All three of us are married so you're sure to get some quality bitching about the wives, although none of the women know about the blog so they'll be none the wiser (tee hee hee).

I, The Mark Show, am a Cleveland Indians fan (Fucking Mark Shapiro! Stop trading Cy Young winners! And Victor Martinez! Fuck!) living in Boston so you're sure as shit gonna get some quality stuff concerning the incredible amount of douchiness emanating from Red Sox Nation. Jesus Christ I hate these people. On the flip side, I started rooting for the Patriots and Celtics when I moved here for college in 1999. I'm sure most of you will call me a bandwagon fan but just remember that I bought a Bledsoe jersey my first year here when the Pats went 9-7 followed by 5-11 in 2000. I would never say I was a long suffering fan but I did root for the team before the Super Bowl run. Same with the Celtics and their shittiness before the title run in 2007-08 and god knows I did an assload of bitching during the tank season of 2006-07. Although that season made it REALLY easy to get tickets. Loge seats for $30, thanks!

Anyway, on to the other creators of this blog: Booze is the most cynical guy I know. This is a man who could bitch about bacon wrapped scallops, and no one in their right mind would ever bitch about those. They're fucking delicious. If you invite me to a wedding, there better be bacon wrapped scallops or you have fucking failed. Wait a sec; I didn’t have them at MY wedding. Fuck! I hate myself. Back to Booze...he's a die hard Seattle sports fan. Now that's depressing. He hates the NBA thanks to the despicable situation with the Sonics, the Mariners are perennially shitty, the closest hockey team is in fucking Canada, and Jesus Christ UW has an awful athletic program, with the exception of women’s softball. Yippee. Booze wants me to point out that the UW hoops team is ranked 7^th this preseason. Excellent. The early round upset in March will make for some excellent ranting.

And now we move on to BamaDawg, another UW grad. He lives in Ala-fucking-bama. Dear god is that a hotbed for rants. He has to deal with this kind of shit from SEC fans every weekend.




And that's just Roll Tide fans. I'd have a fucking field day if I had to live down there with those hick dipshits.

So welcome to One God Damn Hit? By all means let us know if you agree with our rants, think we’re just douchebags, or whatever. Let the ranting begin!

Coming Soon!

Give Harry Doyle a fucking minute to poor himself some more Jack Daniels, we'll kick this off shortly.