First things first, let's all wish BoozeRob good luck as he goes in for surgery on his broken ankle this morning. Although not too much luck, since that clumsy fucker had the balls to whine about having to get to the hospital at 6am. Cry me a fucking river, asshole. I'm up that early all the fucking time. And it's not like you're getting up for a long day of work or some shit. They're gonna fucking gas the fuck out of you and you'll get to sleep all day. Doesn't really sound that bad to me. Quit your bitching you pussy! And if the doctor fucks up your surgery, be sure to slap him right in the cock for being an incompetent douche.
Before we get to Sunday's games, let's talk about the Steelers for a second, ok? Don't these shitheads realize that it's the LOSING Super Bowl team that's supposed to miss the playoffs the next year? First Seattle makes it back to the playoffs in 2006, and now Arizona is headed that way while the Steelers are off losing to Oakland and the fucking Browns. You fuckers are doing it wrong! It makes me happy, but it's still annoying, if that makes sense.
On to the games!
Home team in CAPS
New Orleans (-9.5) over ATLANTA
If Matt Ryan were playing I'd probably take Atlanta but Chris Redman is gonna get eaten up by the Saints defense. And if we learned anything from last week's comeback against the Redskins, it's this: Don't be stupid enough to offer to let people come shoot your tv if the Saints win. I'm really flabbergasted by this one. I mean, if you're rooting for the Saints, why would you want something terrible to happen if they end up winning? Why ruin the win? Fucking Louisiana hicks.
Green Bay (-3.5) over CHICAGO
Before we get to Sunday's games, let's talk about the Steelers for a second, ok? Don't these shitheads realize that it's the LOSING Super Bowl team that's supposed to miss the playoffs the next year? First Seattle makes it back to the playoffs in 2006, and now Arizona is headed that way while the Steelers are off losing to Oakland and the fucking Browns. You fuckers are doing it wrong! It makes me happy, but it's still annoying, if that makes sense.
On to the games!
Home team in CAPS
New Orleans (-9.5) over ATLANTA
If Matt Ryan were playing I'd probably take Atlanta but Chris Redman is gonna get eaten up by the Saints defense. And if we learned anything from last week's comeback against the Redskins, it's this: Don't be stupid enough to offer to let people come shoot your tv if the Saints win. I'm really flabbergasted by this one. I mean, if you're rooting for the Saints, why would you want something terrible to happen if they end up winning? Why ruin the win? Fucking Louisiana hicks.
Green Bay (-3.5) over CHICAGO
Another Cutler sulkfest on its way! He's gonna throw at least 3 picks in this game. He's fucking awful.
INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Denver
Sigh. God I fucking hate the Colts, but what Peyton Manning is doing this year is downright amazing. They've got a fucking mute for a coach and still Manning has this team undefeated. It's incredible. Now let's see if we can get some sort of Curse of Sorgi going on.
Buffalo (+0.5) over KANSAS CITY
I always love when the spread is only a half point. Like they can't just make it a pick, gotta throw that half point in there so money changes hands in the event of a tie. After getting the Darrelle Revis treatment last weekend, I'm guessing we see a big game from TO.
New York Jets (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
Am I the only one who kinda thinks Kellen Clemens is an upgrade at this point? I am? Well fuck off.
JACKSONVILLE (-2.5) over Miami
There is ZERO fucking chance that the Dolphins play well in this game. Zero. They blew their collective load last week against the Pats.
BALTIMORE (-13.5) over Detroit
With all the talk about how shitty Joe Flacco has been lately, this is just the team he needs to see to get his head on straight for a game. And it will give all the suck ass Ravens fans a glimmer of hope before they shit the bed later on. Always fun to see that happen. And if they can't cover this spread, well then I'm blaming those crooked fucking zebras. They're always fucking over Baltimore!
HOUSTON (-7.5) over Seattle
So long, Steve Slaton. A billion fantasy owners fucking hate your guts now. I hope you're happy.
Cincinnati (+6.5) over MINNESOTA
Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue.
NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) over Carolina
Not the most fun week to be a Pats fan. First the loss on Sunday, then we've got Belichick sending players home, Adalius Thomas opening his mouth like a fucking idiot, and now Brady may or may not have broken or cracked ribs. Fuck me in the goat ass. What we need here is a good old fashioned hippie ass whomping. And I think it's coming. I do not envy Matt Moore this week.
TENNESSEE (-12.5) over St. Louis
Suicide pick alert! Do I want the Titans to make the playoffs? Yes. Do I want the Pats to play them in the playoffs? Fuck. No. So I guess that kinda means I don't want the Titans to make the playoffs. Whatever.
OAKLAND (+1.5) over Washington
Bruce Gradkowski! Hey, how about a round of applause for my polish brother's 4th quarter performance last week. We pollacks gotta stick together!
San Diego (+3.5) over DALLAS
God damn you punters of the NFL. You're running out of games to hit that fucking video board! Do we need to start pooling money together to give you some incentive? Fuck!
NEW YORK GIANTS (-0.5) over Philadelphia
Nothing that happens with this game will surprise me. A high scoring shootout. A scoreless tie. A blowout either way. It's a crapshoot picking these teams under normal circumstances but stick them together and it's a fucking diarrhea shoot.
Arizona (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Meh. I just don't care about the NFC West.
Since that would be a shitty way to end this post, let's end it on a more literal shitty note. This morning I woke up, and as a pleasant surprise, I didn't have to shit before I got in the shower. You see, I like to take my morning dump once I get to work. Pooping on company time is better than pooping on my time. But lately, for the last two weeks or so, I've had to go immediately after waking up, and it's really starting to annoy me. Ok, so this morning I was pumped that things seemed to be back to normal so I hopped in the shower and lathered up. As soon as I got done and started drying off, it hit me. I had to shit. Fuuuuuuuck! Taking a shit immediately after a shower is one of the worst fucking things EVER. First of all, you're all fresh and clean and immediately render the shower practically moot. Like it was just a fucking waste of time. And second, you can never dry off enough so your legs and ass are still kinda wet and you're just sliding around on the toilet seat. Fucking sucks.
So that got me thinking about the worst shitting situations that actually involve a toilet. We'll leave camping and emergency or involuntary situations out of this. Here's my top 5, in no particular order:
1. Immediately after showering: Described above.
2. Mid workout: You're all fucking sweaty so you've got the sliding on the seat thing going on, plus you have to pause your workout. I clip my Ipod Nano on my shorts so when I go to pull them down I always forget about the headphones and they practically rip my ears off.
3. In a porta-potty at a tailgate: First, it's fucking disgusting. Second, everyone knows what you're doing in there. And third, you face even further embarrassment if it happens to be a particularly loud pooping session.
4. At a restaurant on a date: You just finish destroying a 22 oz. porterhouse and that bad boy makes it through you fucking immediately. Then you have to excuse yourself and leave the poor girl all alone while you destroy the bathroom. Always awkward coming back to the table after that.
5. At the new girlfriend's apartment: At a certain point in a relationship, the poop barrier gets crossed and you both accept the fact that you are human beings and that you do, in fact, shit. But early in the relationship, absofuckinglutely not.
Let me know what I left out in the comments.
