Well, not the most exciting weekend, but we'll see what kind of hate and anger I can muster up. Let's do this!1. The Pro Bowl
Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the fucking worst. The players don't give a shit. The fans don't give a shit. They have stupid pussy rules on defense, even worse than the pussy rules they put on defenses in real games. And this year, they moved it from Hawaii to the Super Bowl site and played it the week before the Super Bowl.
Now, I admit, I originally thought this was a good idea. You see, I WANT to like the Pro Bowl. I mean, it IS football, or at least it kind of is. And I always thought the biggest problem with having after the Super Bowl was that as soon as the SB is over, I'm fucking done. I've peaked, climaxed, blown my load, I'm just fucking done. And the thought of watching a game with practice squad intensity just didn't appeal to me at all. That's not the last image of football that I want heading into the interminable offseason.
So hey, move it to before the big game and even though it's the same shitty football, who gives a shit there's still the Super Bowl next weekend! Well, I was wrong. Although I watched more of the game than I have in god knows how long, it still fucking sucks. In fact, moving the game to before the SB took out the only good part about the Pro Bowl, all the stupid skills challenges and shit like that that you could catch on ESPN2 or NFL Network or whatever. That's some good mindless entertainment and unless I just missed it all week there was none of that.
So fuck off, NFL, and move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii and give me my skills competitions. Of course, that isn't going to happen since ratings went up big time for last night's game. Fuck.
2. The Boston Celtics
Man, talk about a shitty 3-game stretch, ending in a complete 4th quarter collapse against fucking Kobe and the Lakers yesterday. Ok, so losing to the Magic, Hawks, and Lakers isn't the worst thing in the world, but the team's play and health are concerning to say the least. The good news is that it's before the all-star break and there is plenty of time to rest guys, get them healthy, and get ready for a playoff run that will only feature one round of home court advantage. The bad news is that it's before the all-star break and we have to listen to Bill Simmons whine and cry like an entitled douchebag for another 4 months. Speaking of The Sports Guy...
3. Bill Simmons
Oh, you're ready for the 2011 lockout? Newsflash, dickhead, all it takes for you to experience a lockout is for you to stop following the team. Jesus christ I've never seen anyone whine so much about a team that is 29-16. Yes, there are concerns, but not every team is going to go wire to wire as the favorite to win the championship. Simmons always claims to be the ultimate fan, always supporting the team and whatever, but at the slightest sign of imperfection he writes everything off and uses hindsight to talk about the moves the team should have made. See: Pats should have drafted Shonne Greene. It's fucking annoying. And this is from the guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about the so-called 5-year grace period. Well the C's are in Year 2, cock.
And really? You're ready for pitchers and catchers? Because this Red Sox season is sure to be a smooth ride to an AL East title from start to finish, right? Team is stacked from top to bottom. We're talking 110 wins, EASY! It's gonna be a looooong summer reading this douchebag complain about ANOTHER team in its 5-year grace period.
4. BoozeRob
Oooooooooh, look at meeee!! I just got a 55-inch Samsung LED TV! It's so thin and sexy and the picture is amazing! Memememememeeeeeeeee! Lucky bastard.
/stares at 52-inch Samsung LCD TV with contempt
5. Target
Fuck you, Target. Your website fucking sucks and it's a pain in the balls to do baby registry stuff there. That means I actually have to go to your fucking store and zap shit that's in the store, but not on the website. How the FUCK do you not have the diaper genie online? Baby Mark Show is gonna fucking NEED that! You're fucking worthless. I'm thiiiiiis close to switching to Babies R Us. Fucks.
Speaking of Baby Mark Show, we're 3 months and 5 days from the due date. Oh wait, it's actually less than that because February isn't a real month! Ho. Ly. Shitballs.
