Monday Morning Eff You: January 18, 2010

1. Brett Favre
Not only did this motherfucker go out and throw a perfect fucking game against the Cowboys, we had to listen to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman go even more overboard than usual sucking his dick. Fucking A that was infuriating. I didn't even really have a problem with the TD at the end that was completely unnecessary. What pissed me off was that after the score he went running around like a fucking jackass with his arms held high, chest bumping everyone in sight like he had just thrown a game-winning TD. Hey fuckhead, the game's fucking over, how about you just pump your fist once and head to the sidelines like any non-piece of fuck QB out there. Everyone practically shit bricks when the Pats were running up the score in 2007, but at least they weren't celebrating like that fuckhead Favre.

And then to top everything off, he had to go and ruin Pants on the Ground. I haven't seen the clip yet but I'm still enjoying Pants on the Ground and that would fucking destroy it for me, but just knowing that it exists really pisses the shit out of me. Fuck you, Brett Favre!

2. Nate Kaeding
What a little fucking bitch. Introducing the new Mike Vanderjagt, everybody! Fucking money when there's no pressure, and the biggest choke artist of all fucking time when it actually matters. This is the 4th playoff game that Kaeding has pulled a significant choke job in and when you look at him, it's not hard to see why. I feel like my pinky finger could kick his ass. I know kickers aren't supposed to look tough or anything but jesus does he look like a fucking pussy.

3. The playoffs so far
Let's see...6 blowouts, 1 close but pretty fucking boring game, and 1 exciting game. This is not the way it's supposed to be, fuckers! And to make matters worse, we're down to Peyton and the Colts, the fucking Jets, and mother fucking Brett Favre. What a fucking nightmare. I can't even decide who I'd least like to win the Super Bowl, besides the Saints obviously, but there's a good chance that I'm going to want to kill myself by the end of Super Bowl 44. Fuck.

4. The weather
Hey! Nobody fucking told me I was going to wake up to 4 inches of snow and slush and shit all over the place this morning! God fucking damn it. By the time I had finished clearing my car off, which didn't take more than 5 minutes, my feet were completely soaked because it was just warm enough for all the snow to melt into a giant puddle around my car. Then I started driving to work, thinking it wouldn't be too bad because of the holiday but I was wrong. Oh was I fucking wrong. A drive that normally takes less than 30 minutes took a fucking hour and a half. Fucking bullshit.

5. BoozeRob
Finish your fucking Lane Kiffin post you shitheap!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 11, 2010

Oh man, what a fucking weekend. My picks fucking sucked. The Patriots fucking sucked. The Celtics fucking sucked. Pretty much everything fucking sucked. Let's get to it.

1. The New England Patriots
Look, I had no illusions that this was going to be a Super Bowl year for the Pats. None at all. The 10-6 record was kind of pathetic, considering the winnable games that they fucking blew in the second half. The team didn't really have a quality win all season. But still, Sunday's game was a fucking shocker. Holy fucking shit that was fucking embarrassing. Watching Tom Brady throw duck after fucking duck was excruciating. Maybe his finger really is broken, jesus christ I hope is finger really is broken, but that was fucking terrible. 3 picks? Fucking terrible. The fumble was Matt Light's fault. He's fucking done as left tackle for the Pats. He might still be a serviceable lineman for the team but if Sebastian Vollmer isn't starting at LT next year I'll be fucking shocked.

I just really can't believe how the team just rolled the fuck over and let the Ravens fuck them in the ass yesterday. The opposing team's QB throws 4 completions and they still win by 19? And it wasn't even that close? Jesus christ I still can't even wrap my head around that shit. Fucking fuck that sucked. Some people are saying that it was better to lose like that instead of losing a close game. Fuck that shit. Those people are fucking idiots.

The only silver lining is that the Ravens have a MUCH better chance of beating the Colts than the Jets did. Please, Baltimore, rape the shit out of Peyton Manning. Please. That's all I have left to root for, a Colts loss.

Also, I had to shave my playoff beard, which fucking sucked. I was really looking forward to torturing Wifey with it for another week.

2. Shayne Graham
When you miss 35 and 24 yard field goals in a fucking playoff game you deserve to fucking die. Maybe those absolute fucking choke job shanks wouldn't have made a difference but jesus christ, that was awful.

And now the fucking Jets are still playing while the Pats are done. Mother. Fuck. I hate a lot of teams in the NFL, but the Jets are by far my most hated team. Fuck those shitheads. Fuck Rex Ryan and his cocky fat ass. Fuck Mark Sanchez (even though his dig at Pete Carroll was fucking great). Fuck New York City in general. Fuck them all. And fuck my life. San Diego better fucking eliminate them. Fuck.

3. The refs in the Green Bay-Arizona game
Honestly, I don't really care about this because at least I got one game right with my shitty ass picks this weekend. But something has to be said about the fact that there were at least two plays I saw where Larry Fitzgerald completely plowed over a defensive player to make a catch, including a ridiculous touchdown catch, and no pass interference was called even though Randy Moss got called for a much less blatant play earlier in the day. And as much as I enjoyed the game-ending play, it probably should have been a face mask call. When they showed the replay I argued with my family-in-law that since the ball was already fumbled it didn't matter but in reality it probably should have been roughing the passer or a face mask penalty. Oh well.

4. The first three games this weekend
Bengals-Jets: Fucking BO-RING
Cowboys-Eagles: Fucking blowout filled with penalties that lasted FOUR fucking hours
Patriots-Ravens: Over in the first quarter

Fucking A. Next weekend will probably be filled with awesome games and somehow I'll get pulled away from the tv and miss some awesome shit. Fuck.

5. Pete Carroll
I'm sure Booze will have more to say about Petey in the days to come but seriously, how much of a fucking prick is Pete Carroll? After underachieving and losing to huge underdogs the past few years it's clear that Carroll isn't the savior that everyone thought he was. And now USC is about to get fucking hammered by the NCAA and lose multiple years of bowl eligibility and Petey is fleeing the scene. What a fucking shithead. I honestly do not understand why the Seahawks are handing him the job. It makes no fucking sense. He sucked with the Jets and the Pats and time after time it's been shown that successful college coaches fucking blow as NFL coaches. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Pete.

Ken Wisenhunt + Arizona Cardinals = Womanization of Football

This is just going to be a quick post because I've got some chili cheese flavored bratwursts on the grill (that's right, they're chili cheese flavored), but there was no way I was going to let the comments from Wisenhunt and some of the Cardinals players go. Apparently the Cardinals are pretty upset that the Packers actually play their games as if they matter; specifically, the exhibition game between the two earlier in the year and the "meaningless" game last week.

So here you have some NFL teams and fans that get upset at teams like the Colts for playing their subs once their playoff lives have been determined. And now you have teams that get pissed at other teams for actually playing hard when the games don't really have playoff implications. Color me testosterone, but here I thought that the whole point of sports was to play hard all the time no matter what, and that if you got pissed because someone else played too hard (see: Vince Vaughn's character in the movie Rudy), it pretty much let everyone know what a big sissy gayboy you were. Which, obviously, is what Wisenhunt and the Cardinals are.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Wild Card Round!

Holy fucking shit, it's fucking playoff time! It's time for the remaining NFL teams to start their journey to name, an actual, legit, undisputed champion. Fuck yeah!

This year's playoffs are going to a bittersweet time for me. You see, at this time next year I'm going to have a 6-7 month old kid wreaking havoc on my life in general and as detailed by Big Daddy Drew and mentioned by The Sports Guy, having a kid or kids around is not conducive to spending all weekend watching playoff football. So this year, I'm watching every fucking game, in it's fucking entirety, no matter what Wifey has to say about it!

Another reason I'm fired up is that I've made a commitment to make a different slow cooker dish for each day of the playoffs. For the past 2 and a half years, I've used the slow cooker a few times a year to make my world famous chili. It's fucking delicious and awesome, no matter what my ass has to say the next day. It's a price well worth paying. But chili is the only thing I've ever cooked in the crock pot, which is kinda fucking stupid. Because pretty much anything you cook in a crock pot is fucking amazing, and even better, it's amazingly easy to cook. You just throw a bunch of shit in the slow cooker and let it fucking slow cook.

Our first dish of the playoffs is Slow Cooker BBQ Beef, which is kind of like a beef version of pulled pork, sort of. I prepared everything last night and then got up at 7 this morning and hucked it all in the pot. In about 9 hours I'm going to be stuffing my face with some awesome bbq beef sandwiches. Fuck. Yes. Tomorrow is going to be beef stew. Simple, yet awesome.

Let's get to the fucking games, shall we?

Home team in CAPS

CINCINNATI (-2.5) over New York Jets
In a wild card round filled with good matchups, this is the one shit bomb. Cincy fucking limped to the playoffs after starting the year so well and the Jets only got in because the Colts are a bunch of fucking piece of shit pussies and because the Bengals didn't give a shit about trying for the 3rd seed on Sunday night.

The focus here is obviously going to be on SanCHEZ (why can't some announcers say his fucking name right? Fucking dickheads, there's no emphasis on the CHEZ!) and how he handles his first ever playoff start. Well, I say he doesn't handle it well. I also think Ochocinco is going to have a fairly good game against Revis. Ocho was embarrassed last weekend and I think we've reached the point where the hype surrounding "Revis Island" is too high and he gets knocked down a peg in the most important game of the season.

And one more thing, I can't believe people actually got worked about Rex Ryan saying he thought his Jets should be the Super Bowl favorites. First of all, it's that fat fuck Rex Ryan, so anything he says should be taken only half-seriously (unless he's being a whiny little bitch, or crying, then you can take him seriously), and second, what the fuck do you expect him to say? It's nice to have a coach show some confidence in his team, even it is a bunch of false bravado from a fat fucking dipshit.

But, having said all that, doesn't it sound like delicious karma for the Jets to just get destroyed here so we can all hope that some reporter has the balls to ask Rexy about being the Super Bowl favorites? Holy fuck that would be the greatest thing ever.

Update! Thanks to Adam Schefter and Twitter we now have this piece of hilariousness:

Adam_Schefter When Rex Ryan showed the Jets their month-long playoff itinerary, it included the Super Bowl parade on Feb. 9. Players loved it

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! If there is a god the Jets will get creamed and someone will bring this up postgame. Please let this happen. I don't ask for much.

Philadelphia (+4) over DALLAS
People, it's your last fucking chance to hit that mother fucking video board! I'm so disappointed by this. After all the preseason controversy I couldn't fucking wait for this thing to be pummeled by punt after punt after punt. Fucking Jerry Jones. They raised the video board for a U2 concert without any fucking problem at all, but they couldn't do it for the NFL? Fuck you, Jerry Jones! And now, it doesn't even fucking matter because not one single punter even came close to nailing it. Fucking lame.

As for the game, (and the other NFC game for that matter) I have absolutely no fucking clue what to expect. I'm just pumped to watch what should be an exciting game of big plays, big fuckups, and big fat fucking coaches. I'm going with Philly only because I think they'll bounce back from last week's stinkbomb, which didn't get skewered by the media nearly enough. I mean, a win gets them the 2nd seed and a first round by and they come out flat and score zero points? Fucking pathetic.

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Baltimore
I'll admit that I'm fucking nervous about this game. Like, really nervous. But I think the Pats do enough to win. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that Randy Moss has a big game here. 10+ catches, 100+ yards and at least one TD. And of course, the refs will fuck Baltimore over cuz that's what they always do, right?

There are other things at stake here as well, the most important being my playoff beard. Well, "beard" may not be the best description of what I've got going on with my facial hair at the moment. It's pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's also hilarious and awesome and I love it. The wife? She does not love it. And that's a fucking understatement. But hey, it's my fucking playoff beard and I'm fucking keeping it until the Pats are out. And that fucking better not be Sunday.

So without further ado, here it is: My playoff beard, started December 31, 2009 at 7am. Now with extra nose hair!


ARIZONA (PK) over Green Bay
I'm sorry, I can't take Green Bay vs. Favre again. I just can't. And I don't think the football gods can either. It can't happen. It won't happen. And that's that.

Then again, like I said before, I have absolutely no fucking clue what's going to happen in the NFC.

It's going to be a fucking rad playoff season, people. Enjoy the fucking ride!

Dorn of the Week: LeGarrette Blount

Oregon's season started with a punch:

And it ended with a fumble (Right around 2:02):





Both at the hands of everyone's favorite fuck up, LeGarrette Blount. It seriously couldn't have been a better way to end this fuckers season career. With the game on the line, this shit box boots the ball 15 yards in front of him and all but destroys any chance that the Oregon Ducks had to make a comeback against the Buckeyes.


This is karma at its fucking finest. Oregon head man Chip Kelley supposedly suspended this shithead for the season after the infamous cold cocking of Byron Hout, but when things got tough later in the season he changed his mind.

Shocking.

Well, fuck you Chip Kelley and fuck you LeGarrette Blount. You are both heading home losers of the Rose Bowl.

Again.

1917 and counting boys...

Monday Morning Eff You: January 4, 2010

Holy fuck it's 2010! Time to kick things off right with a whole new batch of Fuck Yous!

1. The turf at Reliant Stadium
MOTHER. FUCKER. God fucking dammit. I really did not need to start out Week 17 by watching Wes Welker fucking destroy his ACL and MCL on the first series of the game. Fucking shit. Even more annoying was the fact that Bernard Pollard was involved, if only because we had to listen to every dipshit in the fucking world talk about Pollard being "involved" in both Brady's and Welker's injuries. That's just fucking lazy, and I know plenty about being lazy.

2. The Cincinnati Bearcats
Ooooh, look at you in pretty white helmets! Fucking douchebags. The second I saw those stupid white helmets I knew Florida was going to rape Cincy all over the fucking field. And normally I wouldn't give a shit, but the Tebow fellatio reached a point where I was absolutely DYING to switch to a Brett Favre game. And we all know how I feel about that fuck.

And while we're here, a final fuck you to the BCS for not having TCU or Boise State play Florida. Sure, maybe the results would have been similar, but now we'll never know. All we'll know is who wins the "kids' table" Bowl tonight. Fucking boring.

3. BoozeRob
Booze wanted me to include going back to work here. Well fuck that. Hey asshole, not everyone's company gives its employees a two-week vacation at the end of the year. AND not everyone is so fucking uncoordinated that they break their ankle playing catch at a tailgate to get even more time off. Some of us have been working this entire time so fuck off! And hey, welcome back to work, buddy!

4. The Bathroom Scale
We're T-minus 4 months and counting from the due date of my baby (boy. Be a boy!) and it's about time to start getting my fat ass into shape. Fuck. It's going to fucking suck. And tomorrow after work I'm gonna kick things off by weighing myself just to see how fucking disgusting I really am. I am fucking dreading it. It should go something like this: strip buck ass fucking naked, step on scale, squint to see numbers, smash scale to fucking smithereens, kill myself. Sounds fun, huh? And then after I kill myself I'll start my stupid workout that is actually for chicks. That's right, I'm so fucking out of shape that I'm starting out with a workout designed for women. Fuck me right in the gut.