This Weekend Is Going to Be Rad

Now that my friends and I are approaching our 30s, it's a major fucking pain in the ass trying to get together. Add Baby Mark Show to the mix and things get even harder. And that's why I'm excited about my friends and myself heading into the next couple of years with 30th birthdays coming up here and there. It's a perfect excuse to drag the wives and any kids that may be popping out in the next few years to a common location and hang out with all the old college buddies.

The last few years it was the wedding circuit, and as fun as everyone's weddings were, thank the fucking lord that shit is over. Yes, it's awesome seeing everybody but it can't beat a weekend of just relaxing and shooting the shit. And that's exactly what's going to happen this weekend and I can't fucking wait. Golf, BBQ, boating, cornhole, general shenanigans...it's going to be awesome.

And smack dab in the middle of everything is USA-Ghana at 2:30 on Saturday. Sporting events are always more fun to watch with a group of friends. I mean, shit, there's only so much texting I can do during a game, and I can do a fuckload of texting.

I expect the US to win on Saturday. I've heard people say that the US is always an underdog in the World Cup but that's just not true. I've read articles about how no one should be that excited about their chances because they could barely beat Algeria. And that, my friends, is a fucking load of complete bullshit. Have these shitheads been paying attention to this World Cup? Other than Germany's 4-0 win over Australia and Portugal's 7-0 assraping of North Korea (suck it, Kim Jong Il!) every game has been insanely close and competitive. For christ's sake, the 2 finalists from 2006 have already been bounced and there's a possibility that Spain could be ousted today, too. Not to mention the fact that Algeria, for some cowardly reason, packed it in on the defensive end and seemed content to play to a 0-0 tie instead of actually trying to win and advance. Fucking pussies.

The US can beat Ghana. The US SHOULD beat Ghana. And I'm pumped that I'll be watching it with some of my best friends.

USA! USA! USA!

Aaaaaaand We're Back!

Well hey hey! Anybody still checking this god damn site for updates? No? Jesus you people are demanding. You want updates more frequently than once every two months? Fine. I'd love to say that I've been super busy with no time to write but that's just simply not true. It's laziness. Pure and simple. So let's delve into some of the shit that's happened since the last time I wrote. At least some of the stuff I can remember, anyway. Getting old and senile fucking blows. Let's see, where shall we start? Oh! I know! I have a fucking kid now!

1. Baby Mark Show has arrived!

I plan on writing more about the joy/frustration/hilarity of having a baby around, but to avoid jamming 7 weeks of baby stuff into one post, let's just go with labor, delivery, and the first few days of parenthood for this one. On May 4th I went into work just like any other day and started my routine of checking email and catching up on all the shit piled up in my Google Reader cache.

Wifey called on her way to a meeting...or at least I thought she was on her way to a meeting. Nope! Turns out she thought her water might have broken so she was on the way to the hospital to get checked out.

HOLY SHIT! Well what the fuck do I do now? Just sit here and wait for you to call me back?? Do you realize how impossible that is???

So I sat. And waited. And fidgeted. And walked around. After like 4 days I finally got the call that her water had indeed broken and that she was being checked in to the hospital so that they could induce labor at some point.

This all happened at like 9am. I raced home. Grabbed Wifey's pre-packed hospital bag, packed my own bag, and hustled to the hospital. Well, turns out that there was no rushing necessary. Just because the water breaks, it doesn't mean that labor has started. So we waited. And waited. And fucking waited. We played games, we watched a movie, we had lunch AND dinner. FINALLY, at 7pm the contractions started coming.

At first they were ok, just seemed like some mild discomfort. At least to me, anyway. Hell, at 9pm I even asked if she wanted to watch LOST (um, no). And then all of a sudden, holy shit here comes the pain!

If you know me at all, you know that I kinda sorta like being in control of situations. There's a reason it's called The Mark Show, after all. Well, watching my wife go through labor was probably the most helpless I've ever felt in my entire life. There was absolutely NOTHING I could do to help her while the contractions were happening and seeing someone you love in that kind of pain is fucking brutal.

At 9:30pm, the doctor came in to check her cervix and announced that it was still only 1cm dilated. Are you fucking kidding me, lady? I think Wifey was ready to punch her in the face when she said that. So labor continued and at about 10:30 Wifey had had enough and asked for an epidural. The nurse said ok, but wanted to check her cervix one more time. Hey, no more cervix! No epidural needed! And now it's time to push...

Now this was the part that blew my mind...pushing was the "easy" part of the whole process. After all the screams during the contractions, Wifey barely made a sound during the pushing phase. I'll forever be amazed by that. Completely calm, just working to get the baby out. Fucking incredible.

Pushing took us past midnight and into May 5, 2010. Fuck yeah, Cinco de Mayo party baby! At 12:21am, the baby came roaring out. The umbilical cord was wrapped around its neck. Twice. Jesus, cut that thing! I was trying my damnedest to determine if it was a boy or a girl but I couldn't see and finally the doctor announced, "It's a boy!" WOOOOOOOOOO!

The nurse cleaned him off, swaddled him and handed him to me. And holy shit that is an incredible feeling. Indescribable, really. He was wide awake, looking at me, looking around the room, just checking everything out. No crying or fussing, just completely content, staring up at me with these huge beautiful eyes. So. Fucking. Awesome.

And now, let's get back to some sports.

2. One Quarter Away
It shouldn't have been that close going into the 4th quarter, which is what really fucking kills me. The Lakers won Game 7 because the Celtics couldn't get a fucking rebound and kept allowing second chance points. I would love to bitch about the refs, but other than a few calls, they were fine. I would love to revel in Kobe's complete and utter stinkbomb. I would love to make fun of Pau Gasol for looking a stupid llama (actually, I can still do that. Fuck you, Llama!) I would have LOVED for Sasha fucking Vujacic to have choked at the free throw line. God damn it.

I actually started cheering when Ron Artest launched that 3 with under a minute to go. I still can't believe that went in. In fact, I can't believe Ron Artest was the MVP of that game. Fucking unbelievable.

All they had to do was hang on for one more quarter and they couldn't do it. Bur.

3. The Cleveland Indians

Actually, no, let's not talk about them. Jesus christ what a disaster.

That's it for now, people. Just gotta the blog wheels rolling again. More posts coming soon. I swear!

Saturday Morning Thoughts

It's 7:30 in the morning as I start writing this post. I've been up since 6. Basically, my internal clock is a fucking asshole. I struggle to get out of bed between 6:30 and 7am every fucking day of the week when I have to get up for work, yet when it comes to Saturday? Wide fucking awake at 6am. It never fucking fails.

Our bedroom window faces east so as soon as the sun comes up our room gets lit the fuck up. Sometimes we pull the shade down but most of the time I kind of like waking up because of natural light instead of the heart attack inducing shriek of the alarm clock. But on weekends I always forget to pull the shade down and the sun and my dickhead internal clock always wake me up way too fucking early. Wifey has the ability to put a pillow over her face and go right back to sleep. I'm not nearly that lucky. I wake up and my brain is immediately filled with questions.

"Do you have to go to the bathroom?" Yes. /get up and pee
"Now that you're back in bed, do you still have to go to the bathroom?" Yes. Fuck /get up and take a dump
"Hey, how come you can't wake up during the work week but now you're wide awake?" I don't know, asshole. Let me go back to sleep!
DROID! /check phone to see a stupid email from Macy's telling me about a 10% sale. /put phone on silent
"Hey, did you win that late night Streak for the CASH pick?" Hmmm, lemme check. Nope. Fuck!

And so on...and on top of all of that bullshit are the fucking Canadian Geese that are fucking EVERYWHERE outside of my apartment building. And those fuckers do not shut the fuck up. Ever. They are such assholes. The only time I ever hear them make any noise is in the morning when I'm trying to sleep. Also, they shit everywhere. Earlier this week, some uppity geese decided to shit directly in front of the door to the building. Some day I'm gonna lose it and just snap one of their necks and cook the goose on the lawn as a warning to all the other geese. Fuck those fuckers and their incessant honking.

On another note, we're now through the first two rounds of the NFL Draft. If you follow my Twitter feed (@Mark_Show) you probably noticed that I wasn't really happy with the Patriots and how they handled the first round. I mean, really not happy. I was fucking pissed. I wanted Dez Bryant. They could have taken him and still probably gotten Devin McCourty in the 2nd round. Fucking shit. If Dez Bryant turns into a superstar....god, I don't even wanna talk about it. And if he doesn't? I will always believe that if he had come to New England things would have worked out differently and he would have been the greatest receiver of all time. Or something like that. Either way, it works out that I was right that the Pats should have taken him. I like that kind of fucked up logic. Makes me look like a genius.

However, now that it's Saturday, I've calmed down and my initial anger has subsided a little bit. I'm ready to see how McCourty works out. I'm ready to see if they actually throw the ball to the tight end they drafted with their 2nd overall pick. I'm ready to see if all the trading down benefits the team in the future. I'm just ready for fucking football! Unfortunately, the season is still over 4 months away. Balls.

As far as the NBA playoffs go, I really wish I had more time to watch the games. Especially the Western Conference games where there are some truly compelling matchups going on. But being on the East coast, I just can't stay up that late, which sucks. I wish I had stayed up to watch Kobe-Durant on Thursday night. Man I hope the Thunder can win game 4 and send things back to LA all tied up. I know it sucks for BoozeRob but even HE has to rooting for Durant, right? Am I wrong, Booze? If they could topple the Lakers in Round 1? God damn that would be fucking sweet.

And now we come to the Celtics. Going in to the playoffs, like pretty much everyone else, I really didn't have much in the way of expectations for this team. Game 1 happened and while I was happy that it looked like they were going to win, I couldn't believe that it was going to take ridiculous efforts from Glen Davis and Tony Allen to get it done. And then, of course, the scuffle happened. Paul Pierce went down, for whatever reason, and KG stood over him and then that little bitch Quentin Richardson came over and chaos broke out.

Now, I'm not going to defend KG here. He deserved his suspension. He let a fucking nobody like Q get in his head and he lost control. And he's a fucking asshole for doing that. But, Richardson can cut the shit for his quote saying that he only walked over there to get ready to inbound the ball. Not a fucking chance you piece of shit. First of all, the ball was being taken out from under the basket, dickhead. And second, everyone knows that you have issues with Pierce and the Celtics for some reason, which is pretty hilarious when you consider the fact that you're a shitty player with one skill, yet you feel like you can talk shit to anyone in the league. Get fucked.

Anyway, thanks to Pierce fucking burying the game-winner last night (why didn't the Heat use their foul to give?), it's now 3-0 and we're looking at a 2nd round matchup with Lebron and the Cavs. A week ago I would have said they had no chance. But after the the absolute ass kicking in Game 2 without KG and last night's gritty win, I'm feeling a little more optimistic. LET'S GO C'S!

Oh, and go Bruins. Wrap it up at home in Game 6, B's!

NFL Draft Tonight!

Sweet fucking tits it's NFL Draft night! So without further ado, let's jump into some draft and other NFL thoughts, shall we?

1. I'm pretty sure I think I like the new draft format
I'm pretty sure I like this new draft format. 1st round tonight. 2nd and 3rd rounds tomorrow night. Everything else on Saturday. I'm also pretty sure that by tomorrow morning I will fucking LOVE it. Yeah, I'm kinda annoyed that I'm gonna have to stay up until midnight only to have the Patriots trade out of the first round, but it's going to be awesome to spend all day tomorrow talking about who got drafted in the first round and who's left for the second round. And you absolutely have to love that kind of distraction at work. Fan-fucking-tastic. Plus, now that I'm married with a kid on the way it would have been harder and harder to keep blocking off an entire Saturday year after year.

2. Speaking of the Pats, please don't trade down
Look, we get it. Belichick likes hoarding draft picks and all that bullshit but let's face it, the last few Patriots' drafts haven't yielded much in the way of serviceable players. For once can we just fucking pick the best player for our team in the spot we're at? And I swear to god, if that player ends up Jermaine Gresham I'm going to fucking lose my shit. Yeah, the Pats need a TE besides Alge Crumpler, but spending another 1st round pick on a position that has such a minimal impact on the offense is fucking insane. Please tell me that the Pats have learned their lesson after Daniel Graham and Ben Watson.

As for who I want? One way or another (trading up, a player dropping down, whatever) I hope the Pats end up getting Rolando McClain, Derrick Morgan, CJ Spiller, Dez Bryant or Sergio Kindle.

3. Tim Tebow
Quite frankly, there's a small part of me that would like it if the Pats end up taking Tebow, if only because Dan Shanoff hates the Pats so much. The ironing would be delicious. But besides that, I can't see the Pats taking him the first round. Please God no. If he's available for one of the three second round picks that the Pats have? Well, fine. I happen to think that Tebow will make a good NFL quarterback. And if he sits behind Tom Brady, learning from the best, who knows what his ceiling would be. He isn't some one-year starter wonder like Tim Couch, Jason White, and every other bust that always comes up. The kid is legit. Even if I think he's annoying as shit and the continuous media blowjob of him is awful.

4. The Rams are making a mistake if/when they take Sam Bradford #1
I truly don't understand what the fuck the Rams are thinking. Bradford seems like a good guy who will work his ass off to be the best QB he can possibly be. But that doesn't change the fact that he just missed his entire senior year because some tiny ass college D-lineman fell on his shoulder and completely destroyed it. What happens when some beast NFL player hits him? And that's gonna fucking happen A LOT. Yeah, he won the Heisman, but a shitload of busts have won that award as well. To switch from a sure thing like Ndamukong Suh to Bradford just because he impressed everyone on his pro day, throwing without pads or defensive pressure, just seems fucking stupid to me. We'll see how it plays out, but the Lions are getting a fucking hell of a gift with Suh dropping to #2.

5. 2 weeks away from the due date
Baby Mark Show is two motherfucking weeks away. Holy fucking shit! I've done so much baby prep work in the last month and it's finally all done. Pretty much. But of course, the work is never going to end once the baby comes. And that's just fine. I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be fucking awesome. Just make sure to remind me that it's awesome when I'm waking up every three hours to change a poopy diaper because Wifey is sleeping between feeding the baby every three hours.

The Mark Show Says...Part 2

Alright, on to Part 2 of The Mark Show Says...

Before we even get started, I absolutely meant to include this clip in yesterday’s post:



HERE COMES THE PAIN! Just fucking outstanding. I’ve watched that clip probably 20 times and it’s made me laugh every time.

3. 5 Weeks
We’re now 5 weeks away from my wife’s due date. Five. Fucking. Weeks. That’s 35 days. That’s just over a month. In other words, that’s fucking SOON!

So because we’re going to be first time parents, Wifey and I have been doing a shitload of research and other things that will probably seem incredibly pointless once the kid arrives and takes over the world. One of these things was attending a childbirth class at the hospital. There were two options for the class, the first being five 2-hour sessions held over the course of 5 weeks and the second being a 9-hour course held on a Saturday. We chose door number 2. Let’s just get it over with, right? Right.

Now, I’m not going to say that the class was completely worthless, but let’s just say it left a LOT to be desired. Only two things made it worthwhile, in my opinion. The first is that we got a tour of the maternity ward (I couldn’t see any signs of blood on the ceiling in the delivery room. Thank god.) so now I know where to go and shit when the time comes. And the second is that I have a better understanding of exactly how fucking interminably long the labor process is going to be. The average labor for first time moms is anywhere from 12 to 24 hours. Jesus fuck that is FOREVER. And the majority of that time is spent walking around, having contractions, and waiting for the cervix to expand to 10 centimeters so that Wifey can finally push the baby out. Not gonna be a good time for either of us, but especially her. Ouch.

Also, they showed us not one, not two, but THREE birth videos. Now here’s where you all grimace because watching a baby come out down there is a liiiiittle bit messy. But here’s the weird thing...it didn’t even phase me. I barely blinked. There are only two possible reasons for this: 1. I’ve seen enough violence and porn in my life that I’m completely desensitized to everything. Or 2. I’m actually mature enough to handle that type of thing. I highly doubt it’s number 2. Highly doubt it.

There was something in the last video that made us laugh, though. When babies are born, they’re covered from head to toe in a soapy white substance called vernix. Here, check out Google Image Search! So this mother is pushing out the baby and only the head is out, and it’s completely covered in this vernix stuff, looking like some sort of alien from a bad sci-fi movie, and the woman looks down and shrieks, “It doesn’t look like a baby!!” I’m telling you, it was absolutely hilarious.

So anyway, 5 weeks to go. I’m fucking pumped. I can’t wait to meet the little person who’s been rolling around Wifey’s belly. Also, I built the crib on Sunday. BOOM!


4. Red Sox Fans Are Fucking Whiny
Hey, baseball season starts on Sunday! Fuck yeah! What’s that? The Indians are going to be fucking awful this year? Well, shitballs.

Anyway, the season opens with the Sox and Yankees from Fenway Park on Sunday night and holy mother of god people in Boston are not happy about it. Every fucking time I turn on sports radio it’s one caller after another crying about how it’s so unfair that the Sox have to open on a Sunday instead of some random weekday. It’s fucking pathetic. Yeah, I get it, Opening Day is fun when it’s in the afternoon and you can skip work and go get drunk but the level of complaining that’s been going on has been absolutely amazing. Shut the fuck up you whiny assholes! At least you get to root for a good team. God I fucking hate Sox fans sometimes.

And that brings me back to the baby...living in Boston, it’s going to be really fucking hard to keep the kid from becoming a Red Sox fan. I’ll try my damnedest but it’s going to be a fucking uphill battle. If we have a girl, it probably won’t bother me that much, but if it’s a boy? Oof, that’s going to be a tough one to swallow if he decides to be a Sox fan. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it would bother me so much and I finally realized that it’s not about the Red Sox; it's because one of the biggest bonds I had with my father was our Indians fandom. Baseball in general was a big part of our relationship. We played catch all the time, he coached my little league teams, we watched the Indians lose two soul-crushing World Series (fucking Jose Mesa), etc. And baseball is a bond I’d really like to have with my own son. And if it's a bond that involves us rooting for different teams, I guess that's ok too. But fucking shit it would really be great if he grows up to be an Indians fan. Man I can't wait to have this kid.

The Mark Show Says...Part One

Holy fucking shit our last post on this site was March 1st??? Booze, Bama and I each deserve about 10 kicks in the balls for that kind of laziness. Christ, none of us could even muster up the energy to do a March Madness post. That's pretty fucking pathetic and embarrassing. So in the interest of actually getting something up here, let's do another edition of The Mark Show Says...

1. March Madness
Holy shit this has been an awesome tournament. The Thursday opening round games set the tone for what has been a great ride so far. I can't remember another tournament that has featured so many close games and upsets. It's been fucking great. Sure, my bracket is completely done but I don't give a shit. All I want from this tournament is entertaining basketball, and so far, this year has fucking delivered.

In my opinion, the greatest thing about March Madness is seeing the 1-seeds get toppled. I had Kansas to win it all in my bracket but that didn't stop me for one second from enjoying the shit out Northern Iowa knocking them out. I mean, the balls on Ali Farokmanesh (I don't give a shit if that's spelled wrong) for taking that 3-pointer at the end of the game...holy shit. Just fucking incredible. Watching Syracuse and Kentucky go down a week later was just as good. Especially since fucking Jim Nantz was rooting for Kentucky SO hard he might as well have had Ashley Judd on his lap. Fucking A, Jim. I know you're a company man and all that but that shit was embarrassing.

2. Duke
Continuing with the March Madness thoughts, let's discuss Duke for a second, shall we? Now, pretty much everyone hates the shit out of Duke because they're always overrated, they always get WAY too much media coverage, fucking Dick Vitale, etc, etc.

Growing up, I LOVED Duke. Bobby Hurley was pretty much my idol from when I was 11-years old until he got in that car crash and couldn't ever play again. Anyway, the point is that I was a huge Duke fan throughout high school and college. But after college, I slowly started shifting in the other direction to the point where now I hate Duke as much as anyone else, and I've never really been able to figure out why. But the other day it finally hit me...

I loved Duke growing up because I could envision myself playing there. I spent a shitload of time in my teenage years shooting hoops in my driveway, imagining that I was sinking the game-winning buzzer beater for Duke. I dropped 30+ on UNC so many times in my driveway it's not even funny. I was a pretty good player in high school. Not good enough that anyone would ever recruit me, but good enough that a lot of people thought I might be able to be a walk-on somewhere. And for me, that somewhere was Duke. Sure, I would have been the guy in warmups going nuts on the bench while Jason Williams and Carlos Boozer carried the team to the title, but I still would have been there.

But then, I got the rejection letter from Duke. And that's where the turn to hating them began, if only a little bit. I still rooted for them throughout college, especially the year they beat Arizona for the National Championship. My other Best Man (I had two, and Booze was one) went to Zona and there's not much in this world that makes me happier than seeing his teams lose. He was so fucking upset. God it was glorious. Plus I was still in college, and even though I was getting fat and lazy there was still the imaginary chance that I could transfer to Duke and be on the team.

Well, those days are gone now. Long fucking gone. I don't hate Duke to the degree that most people do but it does make me happy when they lose. I had my 16 and 18-year old brothers-in-law over on Sunday to watch the Duke-Baylor game and they both said they liked Duke. I'm pretty sure they'll come around to the other side once they're done with college.

One final annoyance...Kyle Singler looks pretty much EXACTLY like I looked in high school. I need to find a picture of me from my high school bball days and scan it so I prove it to you, but I'm serious. He's practically my twin. Fucking asshole. That was MY roster spot!

Ok, Wifey's swim team clinic got canceled thanks to the ridiculous rain we've been having here in Massachusetts so Part Two will have to wait until tomorrow! Come back for impending baby talk, whiny Red Sox fans, and maybe more!

Monday Morning Eff You: March 1, 2010

Hey, hey! Getting this bad boy posted on a Monday for once! Fuck yeah!

1. Canada
Oh you lucky shithead puck freaks. God it would have been fucking awesome if the US team had pulled off the upset last night. The entire country would have been absolutely devastated. But nooooo, Sid the Kid had to go and throw a fucking hail mary at the net and somehow sneak it through the 5-hole. Oh well. It would have been nice to get the gold there but 5 minutes after the game I had moved on. I mean, it's fucking hockey. I enjoyed the shit out of the game and that's good enough. What pisses me off, though, is this whole 4-0n-4 overtime bullshit. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder hockey is a such a JV sport. Can you imagine if the NBA went to 4-on-4 for OT? It's fucking stupid. People complain about shootouts but is way fucking worse. Whatever.

2. The Celtics
Holy shit are you assholes fucking kidding me?? Losing to the Nets? At home??? Wow. I guess it's just about time to stick a fork in this season, huh? Believe me, I'm not going to give up on the team outright but that was pretty demoralizing. I didn't watch the game, but I can only assume that Nate Robinson is a little fucking midget cancer. And don't let BoozeRob tell you differently!

3. Marco Materazzi
I know, I know. Who?? Well, Matterazi is the guy who got famously head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final that Italy eventually won in penalty kicks. Today I was checking the sports headlines and on cnnsi.com the headline was this:

Zidane: I 'rather die' than apologize for actions

My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Wow. Zidane is such a fucking asshole that he doesn't even give a shit that he might have cost his team the World Cup by getting red carded in Extra Time?" So I clicked on the link and found out that headline is quite misleading. Zidane has repeatedly apologized to his teammates and soccer fans and pretty much everyone except for Materazzi. And seriously, why the fuck would he apologize to him? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

But that's not the point here, the point is this:

Materazzi recently told Italy's La Repubblica paper he was still waiting for Zidane to apologize and that he was still so angry over the incident that he won't even watch this year's tournament in South Africa.

Are you fucking kidding me, buddy? You really expect anyone to believe that load of bullshit? Oh yeah, I'm sure you're REALLY upset about trashing Zidane's sick mother, baiting him into head-butting you, getting him kicked out of the game and helping your team win the World fucking Cup. I'm just so sure that it just eats you up inside that he hasn't apologized. Seriously, die in a fire. There's no fucking way that you actually boycott watching the World Cup this year. And if you do? Well then you're just a fucking tool.

4. Jimmy Clausen
Scouts at the NFL Combine have reportedly discovered that Clausen is a cocky piece of shit douchebag. In other news, the rest of the world already fucking knew that. Jesus christ I can't wait to see Clausen plummet on draft day and then fail in the NFL. Brady Quinn 2.o here we come!