Note: I wrote this BEFORE being notified that ESPN had linked to Bill Simmons' thumbs up/thumbs down column from 2002. God damn shit.Nice fucking logo, Vancouver. Can't you Canadian puckheads do anything right?
Anyway, it's time for the Olympics! I enjoy the Olympics for the most part. It's an easy way to work up some good old fashioned patriotism with no real consequences either way. We win? U-S-A! U-S-A! We lose? Who gives a shit, it's the Olympics. That's why I don't understand people who don't like the Olympics and get all worked up about the fact that people are now cheering for sports that they don't give a shit about any other time of year. It's like hating on New Year's Eve, it's just not worth the energy.
Now obviously, some events are better than others, so let's go through a quick rundown of the events with a thumbs up or thumbs down (or thumbs sideways!), shall we? I'm not going to breakdown each event into all of its little sub-events, we'll just stick to the main categories as listed at the Olympics website.
Alpine Skiing - Thumbs Sideways
The downhill skiing events always captivate me for like 10 minutes before I get kinda bored with them. Yeah, there's the possibility of some horrific crash that could live on youtube for eternity but for the most part it's just people flying down the hill as you wait for each split time to see if they're going any faster than the top time so far.
However, it is pretty amazing how skiers almost never miss those gates. They're hauling fucking ass and somehow they manage to know exactly where to go to come within an inch or two of the gates. I can't even fathom that. Every single time I've ever played a Winter Olympics video game I miss like the second gate and get disqualified immediately. Pain in the ass.
Biathlon - Thumbs Down
The only even remotely cool part about these events is the shooting. And if I want to watch someone shoot a rifle it's almost fucking guaranteed that there's some cool ass sniper show on the military channel or one of the thousand other discovery type channels out there now. In fact, I got caught up watching one last night and ended up staying up way too late. It never gets old watching a cardboard cutout's head explode.
Bobsleigh, Luge, and Skeleton - Thumbs Up
Wait, bobSLEIGH? It's fucking bobSLED you stupid website! Jesus christ. The two-man luge provides enough cheap gay joke material as it is, you don't need to throw sleigh in there and make it even worse!
Even though this has the same element of watching the time splits as downhill skiing, for some reason it's a lot more exciting. I have no rational explanation for this but I could watch the push starts for the 4-man bobsled practically all day.
Even more exciting is the skeleton event, although I really don't understand how that became an event. I mean, is there any skill to it? Don't you just launch yourself down the track and pray to Jebus that you don't die? Because that's what I'd be doing.
Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It's bobsled time! Coooooooooool Runnings!
Cross Country and Nordic Combined - Thumbs Down
Only exciting when there's a sprint to the finish, and only because I've done a fair share of cross country skiing in my life and I don't know how the fuck they can go so fast.
Curling - Thumbs Up
I fucking love curling. Sure, it's one of the stupidest events ever but it's like shuffleboard, and I fucking love playing shuffleboard. It's a goddamn shame that more bars don't have shuffleboard tables. When I get a house and a man cave that's one of the first things I'm getting. Shuffleboard rules.
Figure Skating - Thumbs Up
I almost gave this a sideways because the Men's Figure Skating is awful. Some dude would have to do a sextuple salchow (however the fuck that's spelled) for me to be impressed at all. Women's Figure Skating and the pairs events are good though. You get some sexy little bitches showing off their asses and the possibility of them wiping out, which always happens? Good times. It's just a bummer that Sasha Cohen didn't make the team this year. Bur.
Freestyle Skiing - Thumbs Down
Completely ruined by the X Games. I mean, who gives a shit about doing a couple tricks off of some moguls when two weeks ago we were watching people do triple back flips and shit while flying 100 feet through the air. BO-RING!
Ice Hockey - Thumbs Sideways
In theory, this should be awesome. The best NHL players representing their countries going head to head. In reality, this whole thing gets fucked because the Olympics takes place in the middle of the NHL season and these guys just aren't as intense as they should be because they know they still have to play another 5 months of hockey, for money, once this is over. The Gold Medal game is usually pretty good though.
Don't even get me started on Women's Hockey. Sorry ladies, but it fucking sucks.
Short Track and Speed Skating - Thumbs Up
Always some good wipeout potential here, especially in the short track events. And in the long distance events I always pray for a collision when the skaters have to switch lanes, but that never happens, dammit.
However, there is potential for thumbs down here, I'll explain...Wifey and I started dating right around the time of the 2006 Winter Olympics and the height of the Apolo Anton Ohno bullshit. Shortly after that he was on Dancing with the Stars. So we're killing time before 24 and I flip to DWTS for a sec and she casually throws out something along the lines of, "Did you know I've met Apolo Anton Ohno?" Apparently she met him in college at some point. She says he's about 5'2" and a "fucking tool." He fucking better be woman, because if that stupid fucking soul patch was anywhere near your mouth it's over! Well, not really, we are having a kid in less than three months. Gah!
Ski Jumping - Thumbs Up
Come on. Crash. Crash damn you! Ah, dammit! And repeat over and over again. Good times. This is another video game Olympics event that completely flummoxed me as a child.
Snowboarding - Thumbs Down
Like freestyle skiing, completely ruined by the X Games. And honestly, I love padding out medal count, but seriously, I can't believe that the IOC agreed to add snowboarding to the Olympics. Just book the United States for gold and let's move on.
And there you have it, hopefully the Opening Ceremony has some cool shit tonight and the United States kicks a bunch of ass for the next 12 days or however long this shit lasts. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! I think I'll go watch Miracle now.
