Happy New Year! And The Late Late Edition of MMFU

Hey everyone! Happy fucking New Year! Some people love New Year's Eve, others fucking hate it, I fall somewhere in the middle. House party NYEs were always my favorite. It's pretty much all people that you know and like. There's usually a few prospects for drunken hooking up and best of all, the booze is free and easy to access. Heading downtown to an "open" bar for $100+? Well you are a fucking sucker. Jesus christ there is no worse NYE experience than shit like that. You pay a fuckload of money to get in and of course the bar is at max capacity so it takes a half hour to get a drink and then some drunk meathead bumps you and spills your drink everywhere and you're back at square one. Plus it's always 1000 degrees in there. Just a giant clusterfuck all around, including trying to find a cab at the end of the night. Just terrible. But even with all of that, it's still a night out getting drunk and that's fine with me.

What I don't get are the people who actively hate NYE. Booze and I have a friend who fucking despises NYE and bitches about it every fucking year. Well, at least he used to before the three of us moved to different corners of the country. It was fucking annoying and I wanted to slap him in the balls every time he started ranting. I mean, yeah, it's not the greatest night in the world but it's an excuse to go get fucking blind drunk so what the fuck are you bitching about?

This year my night is going to be pretty god damn tame. Wifey is 22 weeks pregnant so she obviously isn't going to be involved in any wild shenanigans, and quite frankly, I'm still exhausted from hosting 18 family members at our apartment for Christmas dinner. So the plan is to go out for a nice dinner and then come home and play Band Hero and Mario Party while I pound down a couple bottles of champagne. None for you, Woman!

My apologies for the lack of posting over the last week. Hey, it's the fucking holidays and I'm fucking lazy. Plus I just got a Droid (fuck yeah!) and all of my free time is now spent downloading apps and checking twitter and shit on the Droid while my laptop sits 2 feet away fully capable of doing the exact same stuff.

Anyway, since there was no MMFU this week, let's air some grievances right here about stuff from the last week that deserves that giant middle finger. Where's my buddy?




There he is! Let's do this fucking thing.

1. The Indianapolis Colts
What a bunch of fucking pussies. Let's get this straight right now, this was not a case of resting the starters to get ready for the playoffs. This was that fucking gorilla piece of shit whiny cocksucking douchebag crybaby Bill Polian and his ventriloquist dummy Jim Caldwell completely pussing out about possibly going 16-0. If you're going to rest your players, fucking do it. Don't play your big guns past the halfway mark of the 3rd quarter and then give the game away. Fucking pathetic. "Oh shit! We're about to go 15-0! We can't have that. Better put in Curtis Painter right fucking now!"

I fucking hate Colts fans, but kudos to them for booing the shit out of the team after that decision was made. How many 14-0 teams have ever been booed in their own stadium? And kudos to everyone who called in to Bill Polian's show to bitch him out so much that he ended the show early because, like he showed on Sunday, he's a fucking coward.

Yes, you could argue that going for 19-0 put so much pressure on the Pats that it ultimately cost them the Super Bowl. But that's a ridiculously different situation than the Colts were in at this point. The Patriots were already the most hated team in the NFL going in to the 2007 season thanks to the 3 Super Bowl wins earlier in the decade. Then Spygate happened. Then all of the running up the score shit happened. Then Mercury Morris was on tv every week. Then they became the first team every to go 16-0. Then Randy Moss faced domestic violence accusations during the playoffs. Then on the day before the Super Bowl John fucking Tomase came out with the bullshit story about filming the Rams' walk through before Super Bowl 36.
Now let's take a look at what the Colts faced this year...um, nothing? Have you even heard a peep from Mercury this year? I mean if HE doesn't give a shit about the Colts going 16-0 then no one does!
Ultimately I'm super fucking happy that Polian and Caldwell made this decision because it created a shitstorm of negativity and bad karma that never would have happened had they just done the logical thing and not played any starters for the entire game against the Jets or even Buffalo.

2. ESPN
This has been discussed on every blog on the planet but I just wanted to mention how disgusting the coverage of Brett Favre was on Monday night. I think Gruden and Jaworski have Favre real dolls in the booth so they can figuratively fuck him in the ass while giving him an on air blow job for the entire game. Thank god for Adrian Petersen and his fumbly ways.

3. The three other people left in my suicide pool
Fucking LOSE! Jesus christ how the fuck does this happen? Every year I'm out by fucking week 4 and this year I make it all the way to the end and there are 3 other people with me? Bullshit! My pick this week is the Niners and if there is any certainty in life, it's that I'll make it through 16 weeks of suicide picks only to lose in the final week and miss out on the money. Fuck.

4. BoozeRob
Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything in a week but you know what? At least I'm fucking working or playing with my Droid (the phone) ( and my penis), but this fucking guy has just been sitting at home with his broken ankle for the past 3 weeks all he's managed is a half-assed DOTW post about Mike Holmgren? Fucking A, man! As Peter King would you say, you define laziness. You'd think we could get a picks column for the upcoming bowl games but that's not gonna happen. Booze is going to a wedding tonight and the odds of him getting drunk and fucking up his ankle even more have been taken off the board in Vegas.

Rebuttal from Boozerob:
Fuck you, I'm on Vacation. Bitch at BamaDawg and his 7 collective posts. Then again he is in Missouri for a wedding. Speaking of weddings, I've  been busy the last week doing wedding stuff all week for a wedding I'm going to tonight. So fuck you. And seriously, way to get a fucking smart phone FINALLY. Welcome to 2002 you red headed fuck.

5. Urban Meyer, Mike Leach and every other big name college football coach
These guys are fucking assholes. Can we stop being surprised when they do shit like quit the team for health reasons and family first bullshit and then flip flop the next day. Or when they stuff concussed kids in closets or whatever the fuck happened down in Texas. Seriously, that story is out of control and I don't know what to fucking think. But seriously, let's cut the shit with these guys. They're all jerks who are in a position of power so fuck yeah they're gonna act like jerks! I sure as fuck would!

6. Week 17 Picks
Fucking crapshoot. Every fucking year. So no picks column this week. I'll be back for the playoffs.

7. The Mark Show
I'd say this post is long enough, eh? I'm fucking tired.
I hope everyone has a great night. Just don't get so drunk that you piss in the dryer (Booze) or worse (Mark Show).

Merry Effing Christmas!

Hey everyone! Merry fucking Christmas! That's right, fucking CHRISTMAS! None of this happy "holiday" bullshit around here. God Lauren Graham is fucking hot, huh? Fuck yeah! Anyway, no matter what you're celebrating this time of year I hope you have a great time with your family and friends and all that bullshit.

On to tonight's game...Since San Diego has already locked up the AFC West I'm giving Tennessee the nod here. Plus my fantasy team full of Chargers lost in the first round of the playoffs so fuck those fuckheads.

And finally, happy birthday BoozeRob! That's right, the Booze is a Christmas baby. What a fucking douche.

Dorn of the Week: Mike Holmgren

 It's a slow week for DoW, so I'm going for a personal grudge. This week's Dorn is the Walrus, Mike Holmgren. This mother fucker turned down a job to run my god awful Seahawks to take a similar position with the Cleveland fucking Browns (Also known as the team TheMarkShow loved before he jumped on the Pats bandwagon).

Honestly, I really shouldn't be too upset. After all Holmgren's first stint in organization leadership landed the Hawks players like Marcus "Burnt Toast" Trufant. Fuck that guy and his inability to cover anyone in the NFL. Trufant makes fullbacks on a swing route look like fucking Andre Johnson.

So as old Holmy leaves his big ass house on the shores of Lake Washington for the depressing shit stained city of Cleveland, the Hawks are left holding their dicks looking for someone to rebuild their team.

So fuck you Mike! Enjoy Brady Quinn.

Monday Morning Eff You: December 21, 2009

Hey, it's our 100th post! Didn't think we'd get this far, did you? Well then fuck you!

1. BamaDawg
Oh, you wanted the Celtics to lose on Friday night AND were waiting for my Dolphins pick so you could bet the other way? Well fuck you for both of those things coming true. Honestly I didn't even know the C's were playing because I was too busy getting drunk at a holiday party by slamming eggnog mixed with bourbon, whiskey and brandy, so whatever. But still, fuck off.

2. Dan Dierdorf
At some point during the Patriots' lackluster win at Buffalo, this fat fuck declared that this season was one of Bill Belichick's best coaching jobs. That, quite frankly, is a fucking ridiculous statement. We all know NFL announcers say all sorts of stupid shit from week to week but jesus that was stupid. And it only served to remind me that there is nothing about the way the Pats are playing right now that indicates they will make a solid run in the playoffs. Fuck.

3. Bill Simmons
From the Sports Guy's twitter feed:

sportsguy33: Beautiful weather in SoCal today!!! Sunny & 76 degrees. What's it doing back East? (Listening.) Oh. Wow. This is awkward.

What a fucking douchebag. Listen, fuckface, just because you're a fucking pussy now (although you very well could have always been a pussy) and live in LA doesn't mean those of us on the East Coast are afraid of a little snow. I took 20 minutes to wipe off my car and shovel away the snow around the car and then I went back inside. Oh the fucking horror! Fuck off.

4. Brett Favre
After a one-week hiatus, the king of fucksticks is back! Oh, you didn't want to come out of the game yesterday? Well fuck you, asshole! Brad Childress is a shitty fucking coach, no one is arguing that, but when your old ass is getting buttfucked by Julius Peppers every other play, maybe Childress has a point when he wants to take you out of a somewhat meaningless game. You realize you're 40 fucking years old, right? And that even from the start of the year you were saying you didn't know if you could play a full season? Well then take a fucking seat when your coach thinks it might help the team in the long run you selfish fuck. You sure did a lot of good by staying in the game, leading the offense to zero points. Fucker.

5. The Kansas City Chiefs
Holy fucking shit! You let Jerome Harrison rush for 286 yards and break Jim Brown's team record for rushing yards in a game? That's a fucking disgrace. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Jerome Harrison?? Who the fuck is that?

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 15

I've been using the lines from ESPN's Pigskin Pick 'Em for these posts and it's fucking annoying because while 99% of the betting world had the Colts at -3.5 last night, ESPN left the line at -6.5, costing me a win last night. Sure, I thought the Colts would still cover but still, fucking annoying.

I'm torn on whether or not I want to see the Colts, or the Saints for that matter, go for a 16-0 regular season. On one hand, I think it's fucking stupid to rest your starters unless it's absolutely necessary and having the Colts go 16-0 and then collapse in the playoffs would be fucking awesome. But what if they DO finish the job and go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl? Holy fucking shit I'm not sure I could handle that. I mean we're talking about the ultimate kick in the balls as a Patriots fan. What a fucking nightmare. Let's stop thinking about that and get on with games, shall we?

Home teams in CAPS (using ESPN's stupid lines)

NEW ORLEANS (-7.5) over Dallas
I don't get all the chatter from Dallas about how they're not going to "cow down" to the Saints on Saturday night. Well no fucking shit. Who the fuck thought they were just going to lie down and let the Saints march all over them? The Cowboys are fighting for their playoff lives AND trying to squash all this December choke talk so of course they're going to play hard. It won't fucking matter though. The Saints are too good, especially at home. And while there's some doubt about whether or not Indy is going to back off approaching the playoffs, the Saints have maintained all along that they're going balls to the wall for the entire season.

New England (-7.5) over BUFFALO
This game isn't the ideal situation for the Randy Moss redemption game that I'm hoping for. The weather is going to be complete dogshit and I'm guessing the Pats focus on the running game and ride Laurence Maroney for over 100 yards rushing. Maroney has been running hard lately, quieting the (deserved) criticism that he's taken for the majority of his career as a Patriot and I fucking love it. And if I just jinxed him, fuck me in the ear. Also, you can bet for a couple of absolute bombs to be thrown Moss's way in the first quarter. How those plays turn out will go a long way in determining the rest of the game plan for the Pats.

Arizona (-10.5) over DETROIT
Before the Monday night game I was all set to make this my suicide pick this week. What the fuck, people? Seven fucking turnovers? Jesus. I think they bounce back and beat the piss out of the Lions but that game, plus the injury to Larry Fitzgerald, scared me enough to change my suicide pick.

TENNESSEE (-3.5) over Miami
In other words, bet the house on the Dolphins. God they fucking own me.

KANSAS CITY (-2.5) over Cleveland
Is there any chance that the Browns put together two good weeks in a row? No fucking way, right? What a shitty game.

Houston (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
Suicide pick alert! If the Texans can't beat a Rams team that a) fucking sucks, and 2) had to cancel practice because of a swine flu outbreak then I'm going to fly to Houston and jam a merciless pepper of Quetzlzacatenango in Matt Schaub's eye.

Atlanta (+6.5) over NEW YORK JETS
When I originally made this pick I thought the game was in Atlanta. Not sure why. Whatever, I just like picking against the Jets.

PHILADELPHIA (-7.5) over San Francisco
This one makes me nervous. After winning that thriller against the Giants this seems like the type of game that Eagles fans get all excited for only to get sucker punched and left for dead. But even so, a win here pretty much locks up the NFC East for Philly and I think they'll get it done handily. DeSean Jackson is a fucking animal.

BALTIMORE (-10.5) over Chicago
The Ravens are still alive for a wild card spot in the AFC so they're going to come out guns blazing. And on the other side of the ball, Cutler fucking sucks. At least 3 picks, right?

SAN DIEGO (-6.5) over Cincinnati
Let's just leave it at that in the aftermath of the Chris Henry death.

Oakland (+13.5) over DENVER
The Raiders are kind of a pain in the ass now that JaMarcus has been benched for good. This line seems pretty high for a team that peaked in Week 6.

PITTSBURGH (-0.5) over Green Bay
The Steelers can't lose 6 in a row, can they? Right? Anyone? Bueller?

Tampa Bay (+7.5) over SEATTLE
The Seahawks should not be giving ANYONE more than a touchdown. Not even the 1-win Bucs. Sorry Booze, but your team blows. Although if you take enough Vicodin I'm sure you'll enjoy the game anyway.

Minnesota (-7.5) over CAROLINA
Man I can't wait for the Vikings to win this game and then have Carolina talk shit about Adrian Peterson or Percy Harvin. Oh you took Randy Moss out of the game? Congratulations fucksticks, because while you had 3 guys covering Moss, Wes Welker dominated the shit out of the rest of the team. But seriously, congrats on the Moss thing. Maybe next time you'll try to actually fucking win the game.

New York Giants (-3.5) over WASHINGTON
I'm sticking with my original pick here even though Vinny Cerrato's resignation might push the Skins to a victory here.

NFL Quick Pick: Indianapolis Colts

There's been a fuckload of talk about the Colts shutting things down now that they've got the top seed in the AFC locked up. Well fuck that noise. It's fucking week 15! Way too god damn early to start doing that shit. And if they DO start resting their starters? Well then Jim Caldwell is an even shittier head coach than I already think he is. Seriously, it fucking pisses me off that people are kissing his ass for being the first rookie head coach to remain undefeated for this long. HE DOES NOTHING! He's Art Fucking Shell with a competent team. Peyton Manning is the coach of that team and no one can tell me differently. The next time Caldwell speaks during a game will be the first. Fucking freeloading dickhead. Anyway, Colts -6.5 and we're starting this week off with a win, unlike last week. Fucking Steelers.

On a sad note: RIP Chris Henry. It always freaks me out when I realize that certain pro athletes are younger than me, but when a pro athlete 3 years younger than me DIES? That's just jarring. Condolences to his family and friends from the OGDH staff.

Is Jake Locker Stupid?

I'm sure this will piss off Booze and Bama but fuck them, they're fucking homers so their opinion doesn't count. What the fuck is Jake Locker thinking returning for his senior at UW? Is he fucking stupid?

Honestly, I do think it's great that he's coming back for one more season, to try to get UW to a bowl game. It's an honorable thing to do and the students and alumni will be thrilled, but is it a smart decision? It's not like UW is contending for a national championship next year. Didn't Locker see what happened to Sam Bradford this year? Hell, even BoozeRob pointed out that once Bradford got hurt it was pretty much a given that Locker would be entering the draft. Most "experts" had Locker pegged as the top quarterback, and possibly the top pick, in the draft. That's fucking HUGE money, especially when you factor in that next year there will most likely be a rookie pay scale so the days of $40 million signing bonuses will be long fucking gone.

It would be one thing if UW were going to be contending for a national championship, but they're not. They MIGHT have a chance to win the Pac-10, but otherwise they're just playing for some random bowl, and to me, that isn't worth risking millions of dollars. Just know that if Locker gets hurt at some point next year, he's definitely making Dorn of the Week.

Dorn of the Week: Adalius Thomas

As you may have heard, the Patriots sent 4 players home from practice on Wednesday for showing up late to a morning meeting. One of those players was Randy Moss, and his subsequent performance in Sunday's game caused me to include him in the MMFU. But as shitty as his performance was, at least he kept his fucking mouth shut, which was something Adalius Thomas couldn't do:

Yesterday, Thomas chafed at the notion that Wednesday’s dismissal was
motivating.
“Motivation is for kindergartners,’’ he said. “I’m not a
kindergartner. Sending somebody home, that’s like, ‘You’re expelled until you
come back and make good grades.’ Get that [expletive] out of here. It’s
ridiculous.’’

In the middle of Thomas’s 10-minute session with a throng of reporters,
healthy-yet-inactive cornerback Shawn Springs walked past. Springs peered over
the pack and in a playful voice called out, “Sorry, AD.’’

Thomas laughed and called back, “Sorry, Shawn.’’

“I was told to go home, I went home,’’ Thomas said. “Enjoyed my day
off. Put my toes up in the air and relaxed.’’

Oh, so you don't need motivation, huh fuckwad? You signed a huge free agent contract in 2007 and you have done exactly jack fucking SHIT since you got here. You've sucked donkey dick all fucking season. You were a fucking HEALTHY scratch week 6 versus the Titans. You are fucking awful and you're playing like complete shit and this latest bitchy little outburst got your underproducing ass benched again. You clearly haven't been able to unfuck yourself so Belichick had to step in. Take a look in the mirror you piece of shit. Tom Brady's wife fucking gave birth the night before and he still made it to the stadium on time.

So all together now: SHUT UP, DORN! You and Shawn Springs can go fuck yourselves, laughing it up as free agent busts. Congratufuckinglations, asshole. Enjoy your extended vacation until you get traded or cut in the offseason.

Monday Morning Eff You: December 14, 2009

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NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 14

First things first, let's all wish BoozeRob good luck as he goes in for surgery on his broken ankle this morning. Although not too much luck, since that clumsy fucker had the balls to whine about having to get to the hospital at 6am. Cry me a fucking river, asshole. I'm up that early all the fucking time. And it's not like you're getting up for a long day of work or some shit. They're gonna fucking gas the fuck out of you and you'll get to sleep all day. Doesn't really sound that bad to me. Quit your bitching you pussy! And if the doctor fucks up your surgery, be sure to slap him right in the cock for being an incompetent douche.

Before we get to Sunday's games, let's talk about the Steelers for a second, ok? Don't these shitheads realize that it's the LOSING Super Bowl team that's supposed to miss the playoffs the next year? First Seattle makes it back to the playoffs in 2006, and now Arizona is headed that way while the Steelers are off losing to Oakland and the fucking Browns. You fuckers are doing it wrong! It makes me happy, but it's still annoying, if that makes sense.

On to the games!

Home team in CAPS

New Orleans (-9.5) over ATLANTA
If Matt Ryan were playing I'd probably take Atlanta but Chris Redman is gonna get eaten up by the Saints defense. And if we learned anything from last week's comeback against the Redskins, it's this: Don't be stupid enough to offer to let people come shoot your tv if the Saints win. I'm really flabbergasted by this one. I mean, if you're rooting for the Saints, why would you want something terrible to happen if they end up winning? Why ruin the win? Fucking Louisiana hicks.



Green Bay (-3.5) over CHICAGO

Another Cutler sulkfest on its way! He's gonna throw at least 3 picks in this game. He's fucking awful.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Denver

Sigh. God I fucking hate the Colts, but what Peyton Manning is doing this year is downright amazing. They've got a fucking mute for a coach and still Manning has this team undefeated. It's incredible. Now let's see if we can get some sort of Curse of Sorgi going on.

Buffalo (+0.5) over KANSAS CITY

I always love when the spread is only a half point. Like they can't just make it a pick, gotta throw that half point in there so money changes hands in the event of a tie. After getting the Darrelle Revis treatment last weekend, I'm guessing we see a big game from TO.

New York Jets (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY

Am I the only one who kinda thinks Kellen Clemens is an upgrade at this point? I am? Well fuck off.

JACKSONVILLE (-2.5) over Miami

There is ZERO fucking chance that the Dolphins play well in this game. Zero. They blew their collective load last week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-13.5) over Detroit

With all the talk about how shitty Joe Flacco has been lately, this is just the team he needs to see to get his head on straight for a game. And it will give all the suck ass Ravens fans a glimmer of hope before they shit the bed later on. Always fun to see that happen. And if they can't cover this spread, well then I'm blaming those crooked fucking zebras. They're always fucking over Baltimore!

HOUSTON (-7.5) over Seattle

So long, Steve Slaton. A billion fantasy owners fucking hate your guts now. I hope you're happy.

Cincinnati (+6.5) over MINNESOTA

Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue. Please let the Favre collapse continue.

NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) over Carolina

Not the most fun week to be a Pats fan. First the loss on Sunday, then we've got Belichick sending players home, Adalius Thomas opening his mouth like a fucking idiot, and now Brady may or may not have broken or cracked ribs. Fuck me in the goat ass. What we need here is a good old fashioned hippie ass whomping. And I think it's coming. I do not envy Matt Moore this week.

TENNESSEE (-12.5) over St. Louis

Suicide pick alert! Do I want the Titans to make the playoffs? Yes. Do I want the Pats to play them in the playoffs? Fuck. No. So I guess that kinda means I don't want the Titans to make the playoffs. Whatever.

OAKLAND (+1.5) over Washington

Bruce Gradkowski! Hey, how about a round of applause for my polish brother's 4th quarter performance last week. We pollacks gotta stick together!

San Diego (+3.5) over DALLAS

God damn you punters of the NFL. You're running out of games to hit that fucking video board! Do we need to start pooling money together to give you some incentive? Fuck!

NEW YORK GIANTS (-0.5) over Philadelphia

Nothing that happens with this game will surprise me. A high scoring shootout. A scoreless tie. A blowout either way. It's a crapshoot picking these teams under normal circumstances but stick them together and it's a fucking diarrhea shoot.

Arizona (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Meh. I just don't care about the NFC West.

Since that would be a shitty way to end this post, let's end it on a more literal shitty note. This morning I woke up, and as a pleasant surprise, I didn't have to shit before I got in the shower. You see, I like to take my morning dump once I get to work. Pooping on company time is better than pooping on my time. But lately, for the last two weeks or so, I've had to go immediately after waking up, and it's really starting to annoy me. Ok, so this morning I was pumped that things seemed to be back to normal so I hopped in the shower and lathered up. As soon as I got done and started drying off, it hit me. I had to shit. Fuuuuuuuck! Taking a shit immediately after a shower is one of the worst fucking things EVER. First of all, you're all fresh and clean and immediately render the shower practically moot. Like it was just a fucking waste of time. And second, you can never dry off enough so your legs and ass are still kinda wet and you're just sliding around on the toilet seat. Fucking sucks.

So that got me thinking about the worst shitting situations that actually involve a toilet. We'll leave camping and emergency or involuntary situations out of this. Here's my top 5, in no particular order:

1. Immediately after showering: Described above.

2. Mid workout: You're all fucking sweaty so you've got the sliding on the seat thing going on, plus you have to pause your workout. I clip my Ipod Nano on my shorts so when I go to pull them down I always forget about the headphones and they practically rip my ears off.

3. In a porta-potty at a tailgate: First, it's fucking disgusting. Second, everyone knows what you're doing in there. And third, you face even further embarrassment if it happens to be a particularly loud pooping session.

4. At a restaurant on a date: You just finish destroying a 22 oz. porterhouse and that bad boy makes it through you fucking immediately. Then you have to excuse yourself and leave the poor girl all alone while you destroy the bathroom. Always awkward coming back to the table after that.

5. At the new girlfriend's apartment: At a certain point in a relationship, the poop barrier gets crossed and you both accept the fact that you are human beings and that you do, in fact, shit. But early in the relationship, absofuckinglutely not.

Let me know what I left out in the comments.

NFL Quick Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

So I was having a pretty good morning today...I woke up after a good night's sleep feeling refreshed and excited that it's Thursday and that the week has gone by pretty quickly. But then I walked outside to head to work and there it was...



Mother. FUCKER! Now I'm fucking enraged. I went back inside to grab my camera, write the fuckers a note, and inform Wifey of this horseshit. She laughed at how pissed I was and then wondered "Maybe it's just someone dropping something off real quick..." WRONG, Woman! There's condensation all over that fucking piece of shit car. It's been there all fucking night. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, I'm temped to take the 9.5 points and take the Browns because the Steelers kinda blow lately and the weather in Cleveland is supposed to be miserable tonight but fuck it. If the Steelers can't cover the spread it just gives me another reason to hate those fucks.

My Favorite Things of the Weekend

So it's been forever since I've posted, and now that I've been called out, I suppose it's time I post something. And while I'm listening to Jaws, Gruden, and Tirico butt-fuck the Ravens or the Packers (it depends on who has the momentum), I figured I'd let you guys know some of the things that made me smile this weekend.

1. The Dawgs finally kicking somebody's ass

I know Cal is basically college football's version of the Dallas Cowboys in December, but boy was that fun to watch. Because it might have been Jake Locker's last game as a Husky, and because it reminded me that the Dawgs were just one win away from being bowl eligible, it was slightly bittersweet. But it was the first time in 2+ years that I got to see the Dawgs play in person, and with that came some great tailgating. Not only did I have my first cigarette in 2 years, but I also threw down my first chew since fucking high school. I have no idea what inspired me to do that, since I think chewing is goddamn disgusting, but it was a badass time. My only regret is that I left right before that clumsy fuck BoozeRob broke his ankle.

1a. Tim Tebow crying like a fucking bitch

I absolutely love that this overhyped, incessantly adored sack of shit got his ass kicked by 'Bama. Being caught crying on camera (though I'm sure all the Tebow lovers will say this shows his desire, compassion, and love for his team and the sport of football) was that much better. Look at this picture - I mean, does it get any better than that? I GUESS GOD'S A TIDE FAN YOU MOTHERFUCKER!




2. Watching Tom Brady hang his head while on all fours after tossing an interception

This makes me happy for two reasons: (1) I hate the Patriots, and (2) it means I get a pissed off, crazy rant from The Mark Show on Monday. The Pats ended up losing, and we got a killer rant from the FPP leader. Excellent.

3. Kentucky beating North Carolina in hoops

Before you assholes call me a front-running fuck, I was born in Lexington and have literally rooted for Kentucky my entire life. My parents have a picture of me in a goddamn Kentucky onesie (or however its spelled), so get off my ass! But John Wall is the fucking shit, Patrick Patterson is a beast, and if Demarcus Cousins can stop acting like a fucking 5 year old and just let his talent do the talking, these guys are going to be a nightmare in the tournament. They may be too young to go to the Final Four or win a championship, but goddamn are they fun to watch.

4. Brett Favre finally coming back to earth

My dad grew up in Wisconsin, so the Packers are another team I've rooted for my entire life. But ever since Favre left Green Bay, my dad is convinced that Aaron Rodgers is basically the NFC's version of Jamarcus Russell. I'm only half-serious, he really does not think Rodgers is good and has all of a sudden started watching Vikings games (what the fuck?!?) so he can watch Favre. So to watch Favre throw those boner interceptions that we're so used to seeing him throw was sweet bliss. Anyways though, for Rodgers to make my dad happy he has to accomplish in 2 years of being the starter what Brett did in 16. Not too difficult, no?

5. The Packers taking care of business tonight against the Ravens

This was a close one. At first I wanted to go with the big, bad Steelers losing to the FUCKING RAIDERS AT HOME. And then I wanted to go with Hines "I'm a big fat fuckhead" Ward likely sitting out next week's game only a week after he called out Big Ben for being a pussy for sitting out a game when Ben had a concussion. I guess according to Hines though, a hamstring injury is more serious than a head injury - OBVIOUSLY.

Shit I got off topic. Anyways, the Packers are 8-4 and probably need to only go 2-2 the rest of the way to get into the playoffs, where, given my luck, we'll have Favre Bowl III and my dad's head will explode because he won't know if he should root for the Packers or for his ol' buddy Brett.

Dorn of the Week: Tiger Woods

Well we all knew this was coming, right? Unless you're a fucking dipshit you know that this week's Dorn award goes to Tiger Woods. Unless you've been camped out under a fucking rock for the past week and a half you know the story in a nutshell: Tiger has been fucking around on Elin with a shitload of different chicks. What an asshole. And a few of the alleged home wreckers are fucking U-G-L-Y. Jesus, if you're gonna go cheat on your Swedish supermodel wife, at least make it worthwhile.

I'm not gonna sit here and rehash every little thing about this story, but I just wanted to mention why this whole thing REALLY has me pissed off. From now until fucking eternity, EVERY time my wife and I are together and we see something related to Tiger, an ad, a golf tournament, whatever, she's going to have some snide remark about his cheating ass. EVERY. TIME. It's not as bad as the "If Tiger cheats and you still like him that means you're ok with cheating!" bullshit that I'm sure millions of husbands are going to have to deal with, but it's annoying nonetheless. So fuck you very much for that, Tiger.

Update: Completely forgot to throw this video in here. Bad job by me.

PS - I would have loved to give the Dorn to BoozeRob for breaking his fucking ankle this weekend. Way to go dickhead. Now your poor wife has to take care of your fucking gimpy ass for god knows how long while you sit there and play Xbox and get high on percocets? Fuck that. If I were her I'd take the power cables from all your video game consoles. What are you gonna do, chase her? Nope, you'd be fucked. And then you'd cry. Just like Tim Tebow. Cry, Booze, cry!

Monday Morning Eff You: December 7, 2009

1. The BCS

Holy fuck it's been like 14 hours and I still can't believe that the cocksuckers in charge put Boise State and TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. You mother fuckers. What good does that do? Oh yippee we get to find out who's the best non-BCS conference team! Whoop-di-fucking-do. Wouldn't it have made way more sense to put TCU up against Florida and have Cincinnati play Boise State? Fuck yes it would have, so of course the BCS people fucked it up. Fuckheads. If you're so tired of listening to the TCUs and BSUs of the little conferences whining about deserving a shot with the big boys, let them have it and see what happens! Let them get slapped around and beaten into submission if you're so sure that's what the outcome would be. It would at least shut them up for a little while. But no, you're a bunch of fucking pussies, afraid that maybe, just maybe, the underdogs can compete with the powerhouses. But now we'll never know. Assfucks.

2. The New England Patriots

Jesus christ you guys fucking let me down yesterday. You rendered my whole rant on Simmons completely fucking useless. Fucking pathetic. Miami is NOT a good football team. I don't know what lies ahead for this Patriots team but my confidence in them is the lowest it's been in fucking years. Fuck.

3. Mother Nature

So after all the perfect, sunny weekends so far this "winter" you decide to throw a snow and ice storm on us the weekend I'm getting my Christmas tree? Fuck you! Now I've got a tree with ice all over it, just dripping on the fucking carpet while I crank the heat in the apartment to speed up the drying process. Pain in the fucking ass. Plus I got soaked hauling that fucker up the stairs.

4. Brett Favre

You're supposed to keep winning so that the Saints are forced to go for the undefeated season, you fucking jerk!

5. The mother fucker who starts his Harley at 4am

Asshole, there's snow and ice all over the fucking place. It is not motorcycle conditions! And do you really have to let the loud fucking monster idle for 20 minutes when I'm trying to sleep? Fucking dickhead. Just because the deaf old people can't hear that shit doesn't mean the same for me! Fuck. Off.

Lazy S.O.Bs.

Dear Booze,

Please do a college picks post as soon as possible you LAZY MOTHER FUCKER! AND YOU TOO BAMADAWG! GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND CONTRIBUTE TO THIS FUCKING BLOG. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! 5 POSTS? 5 FUCKING POSTS? FUCK YOU! Just cuz your front running ass doesn't have any teams in the mix right now doesn't mean you get to just sit back and jerk off all day. This blog is a fucking team effort. FUCK!

Sincerely with love,
The Mark Show

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 13

Alright people, I've sufficiently regrouped from that fucking ass-kicking on Monday so let's just do the thing, right?

Home team in CAPS

Philadelphia (-4.5) at ATLANTA

I fucking HATE picking Philly games. Hate, hate, hate! They have to be one of the most frustrating teams of all time, right? They have the talent, but every third week they look like a JV high school team. McNabb starts rifling the ball straight into the fucking ground, Andy Reid is doing idiotic Andy Reid things, Westbrook is fucking hurt AGAIN. It's infuriating, and damn near impossible to predict. Lock it the fuck up, jerks. I can't even fathom what it's like to be an Eagles fan.

CHICAGO (-8.5) over St. Louis

If Cutler can't get his shit back on track against the Rams this weekend then he's just fucking hopeless. And you know what? He might actually be hopeless. When I watch him play there is nothing that makes me think he'll ever be the top tier quarterback that so many people anointed him to be so prematurely. Oooooooooh, arm strength! Big fucking deal. A fuckload of people have good arm strength.

Detroit (+13.5) over CINCINNATI

Cincy has this annoying habit of playing down to their competition. Motherfuckers had me sweating for a while last weekend against the fucking BROWNS because they were my suicide pick.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Tennessee

There's no fucking way Tennessee is winning this game. No. Fucking. Way. 6 straight losses followed by 6 straight wins? The redemption of Vince Young? Handing the Colts their first loss? Keeping the playoff dream alive? That is WAY too many happy/cool story lines for one team to have riding on a game. The Titans have no chance.

/dear lord let the Titans win

Denver (-4.5) over KANSAS CITY

Suicide pick alert! Aaaaaaaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth. But fuck, I'm running out of teams to choose and the Broncos were my best choice. Puke. Get it done, Neckbeard!

WASHINGTON (+8.5) over New Orleans

The Redskins have been playing better football lately and the Saints HAVE to be due for a letdown game this week, right? I originally picked the Saints but just now switched to Washington...so you can almost fucking guarantee the Saints are gonna blow them out. The last minute switch never fucking works. Fuck me.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over CAROLINA

Who is starting for the Panthers in this game? Am I starting? That would be fucking rad. I could throw fewer picks than Delhomme. Give me a call, Coach Fox!

JACKSONVILLE (-0.5) over Houston

I'm confused by this line. Jacksonville is the better team and they're playing at home. What the fuck?

PITTSBURGH (-11.5) over Oakland

After being called out by some teammates after sitting out last week's game against the Ravens, I get the feeling that we're gonna see a fucking MONSTER game from Big Ben here. Like 400 yards passing and 4 TDs.

New England (-6.5) over MIAMI

Bill Simmons was whining about this line on his podcast earlier in the week, claiming that the line should be no higher than 3 in the Pats' favor. Really, fuckface? Giving only 3 points to a team that just got destroyed by BUFFALO?? Seriously, fuck off, you front running shithead. Simmons is always pointing out and criticizing the Boston media for pulling the whole "sky is falling" routine, yet he does the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING after any Pats loss. It's fucking infuriating. Yes, the loss on Monday sucked donkey dick, and yes, it raised some questions about the team. But listen, dickwad, the season is not fucking over, so stop with all this doomsday bullshit and setting yourself up to say "I told you so" if the Pats don't get it done in the postseason.

San Diego (-8.5) over CLEVELAND

The only exciting thing about this game is waiting to see what kind of shit Mangini pulls out of his ass. Was the other team cheating? Was it the refs fault? The Dawg Pound?? Why did you guys suck this week, Eric? Fucking asshole.

SEATTLE (-0.5) over San Francisco

I have nothing to say about this game.

BoozeRob DOES have something to say about this game:

Both of these teams fucking suck. If an asteroid hit the stadium, the fucking NFL wouldn't care. Seriously would anyone miss the Niners or the Hawks? Fuck no. SF fans are too busy sucking dick and Hawks fans are trading fucking scarves from the Sounders season.

Fuck my life.

Well ok then.

Dallas (-1.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
I think we're a week away from the annual Dallas December Collapse. Just feels like they're gonna get the fans' hopes up before crashing and burning to 9-7.

ARIZONA (+3.5) over Minnesota
This pick is void if Warner doesn't get the start. And honestly, god boy, get your balls out of your fucking purse and get out there. Two weeks is long enough to recover from what may not have even been a concussion in the first place. Get out there and make this the battle of the gray-bearded quarterbacks, you pussy.

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Baltimore
The Ravens are done. A loss here leaves them floundering for a wild card spot and there's no way the AFC North is sending three teams to the playoffs. Plus a loss means we get to hear the sweet cries of the Ravens complaining about the officials. Fucking tasty.

NFL Quick Pick: New York Jets

New York Jets (-3.5) over Buffalo
No home team here, people. This game is up in fucking Toronto. Not that you'll be watching anyway since it's on the NFL Network and these teams suck. There are plenty of better options, including the Civil War, as Booze described in the previous post. Darrelle Revis is going to completely shut down a rejuvenated TO and as long as Sanchez doesn't shit in his diaper the Jets should cover the spread. And if they don't, it's just another reason to hate those fuckers. Not that I need one.

The Civil War for the Roses

Holy shit what a fucking game on ESPN tonight. The Oregon State Beavers roll into Autzen Stadium to take on the hated Oregon Ducks in the annual Civil War. What makes this game different? Well the winner gets the Pac-10 BCS birth.

As a Pac-10 fan, I never thought I would see the day that the fucking Civil War determined who would head to Pasadena. Oregon State is traditionally one of the worst teams in the league until a late 90's resurgence to the program. Now Head Coach Mike Riley has his Beavs playing as well as anyone in the country.

This is a battle of two insanely explosive offenses. The Ducks are led by Jeremiah Masoli who is as dangerous a running threat as anyone in the country. However, Masoli struggles to throw the ball when under pressure and unfortunately for him, OSU has a relentless and hard hitting defense with an explosive pass rush.

What about the Beavs? Well look no further than the Rodgers brothers for the source of their power. James (WR) and Jacquizz(RB) Rodgers lead a dynamic attack which also includes a dramatically improved Sean Canfield. If the Ducks have any hopes of winning, they will need to find a way to slow down the Oregon State offense.

So, who gets the edge in this game? Given the game is at Autzen stadium, you would almost certainly have to give the edge to the Ducks. Not me though. That's right, I picking the Beavs. Not because I fucking hate Oregon. No the key to beating Oregon is a running game and a physical defense. Guess what? The Beavers have both.

Oregon State 31 - Oregon 30


Need another reason to tune in? Well Oregon has the hottest fucking Cheerleaders in the country.

Still, Fuck the Ducks and all that.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Tiger Woods

God fucking damn you, Tiger. You're supposed to be one of the good guys, not some dickhead running around committing adultery with two kids at home. Call me a pussy if you want to, but this whole story has me bummed out. I guess it's pretty hypocritical of me to laugh my ass off at the Steve Phillips story and then have the complete opposite reaction to this, but it is what is. Fucking A.

And Tiger? You can stop bitching about the media any time now. A huge part of the reason you're a bazillionaire is because the media helped boost up your squeaky clean image that made you all of that endorsement money. You can't have it both ways, fucker. Get your fucking act together, start winning more tournaments, and stop fucking around on your wife. Or get a divorce. Whatever. Seriously, how the fuck do you cheat on a hot piece of ass like Elin? I guess this just reinforces the old saying: "Show me a hot chick and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her."

Tiger's Statement

Tuesday Thumbs Up: Celtics game, Black Friday and The Muppets

Since I need to post something happy after last night's complete and utter shitbeating, I introduce Tuesday Thumbs Up! Here are a couple things that I give a thumbs up to from the last week...

On Wednesday I went to my first C's game of the year. The game was fine, not terribly exciting, but at least it was a win. Whatever. My Thumbs Up goes to some pervy dad sitting near my section. At some point in the 4th quarter, a Celtics cheerleader left courtside and stood on the stairs next to my row. Pretty much every guy in the vicinity was ogling her, and for good reason. But pervy dad had a brilliant idea...he took his 6-year old son and had him pose for a picture with the hottie. Pretty fucking savvy if you ask me. If the wife gets pissed he can claim he was just doing it for the kid. And the kid will thank him forever once he hits puberty, cuts his young self out of the picture and uses it as material for treating himself like an amusement park. Nice work, pervy dad. You are a genius. Thumbs up to you, my man.

I've never gone shopping on Black Friday before. Battling hordes of insane people just to save a few bucks? No fucking thank you. But this year we spent Thanksgiving in Maine, minutes away from the Kittery Outlets. Fucking tons and tons of name brand stores up there. They were all opening at midnight with most stores offering 50% or more off of their entire store. Wifey came up with the brilliant idea to try to go at 2am instead of midnight to miss the crowds. And wouldn't you know, it worked out fucking perfectly. The stores were fucking ghost towns. Apparently when they opened at midnight it was a fucking zoo. We timed it perfectly, hit up a bunch of stores and saved a shitload of money on stuff we needed to buy anyway. Outfuckingstanding. And somehow I wasn't even hungover, which was a HUGE added bonus. So thumbs up to you, Wifey, and the outlets' Black Friday sales. Thanks to you, my Christmas shopping is basically done. Fuck. Yes.

And finally, this video of The Muppets performing Bohemian Rhapsody has been circulating the blogosphere for a few days and I finally got around to watching it today. It is fucking outstanding. Ginormous thumbs up to whoever created this.

(Note: Fuck the fucker who disabled embedding of the original Muppets video I posted. Fuck you buddy!)

Dorn of the Week: Charlie Weis

Two weeks overdue, our latest DoW is none other than Charlie Weis. We here at OGDH aren't exactly fans of Charlie or the Notre Dame team he led until yesterday afternoon, but any prexisting bias doesn't change the fact that this fat fuck deserves our prestigous award.

For 5 years Charlie has been nothing short of a disappointment for the Irish faithful. Shortly after taking over for the last fuckstick of  a head coach (none other than Tyrone Willingham), Charlie was granted an enormous extension on his contract before he even proved he could build and sustain a winner. Why? Well he wasn't Tyrone.

Sadly, the departure of the most arrogant piece of shit in all of College Football means I will never see my Notre Dame vs. Kansas dream match up....

 vs.

So long, Charlie... you may never have won a BCS bowl, but at least you won our Dorn of the Week.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 30, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The authors of this site
Oh it's a holiday weekend so it's just too much fucking trouble to post a thing or two? Well, fuck us right in the asshole. I had every intention to do a picks post plus a couple of other things but every time I thought of stuff to write I was nowhere near a computer. And by the time I got home I was always too fucking lazy to actually type. So our apologies if you were actually looking for content from us this weekend. We're obviously fuckheads. And if you were actually looking for content from us? Well that says something about your life. I don't know what it says, but it definitely says something.

2. The NFL schedule makers
Pretty much all of the games sucked this week, but the Thanksgiving games were fucking atrocious. For the past few seasons there has been talk about taking the Thanksgiving game away from Detroit. I don't agree with that. The problem isn't that the Lions are playing, the problem is WHO the Lions are playing. If the fucking schedule makers would stop putting them in a matchup that is obviously going to result in a fucking blowout, things wouldn't be this bad. Sure, we might still get a boring game, but at least there would be a chance of a close game. Same with sending Oakland to Dallas. Really, fuckwads? How could anyone possible think that putting Oakland on national television could be a good idea? Fucking dipshits.

3. Pete Carroll
BoozeRob offered his opinion on this earlier, and while I agree that it was fucking stupid for Slick Rick to call that timeout, Carroll can't be let off the hook either. This is the fucking crybaby asshole who whined and complained to fucking everyone about Stanford running up the score a few weeks ago. You can't cry like a little bitch when Stanford, of all teams, is ruining your shit and then come back a few weeks later and pull the same type of crap. Only a fucking douchebag would do something like that. So fuck you, Petey. Fucking douchebag.

4. Brett Favre
Motherfucker played brilliantly yesterday. Knock that shit off, Favre. It makes it harder to hate your guts.

5. Serena Williams
AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that, you fat bitch! Fuck you! God I fucking hate that woman. Sure, 82 grand is chump change for her but I don't fucking care. Randomly seeing that in the ESPN headlines just now just fucking made my night. You should see the fucking shit-eating grin on my face. Awesome.

Has Charlie the Hut been fired???

Charlie Weis fired? Well the New York Daily News is claming he is...

Update: ESPN joins the party. It appears fuckstick Charlie is toast.

Pete Carroll says F YOU to Rick Neuheisel

First of all, yes we are alive. We simply needed a weekend of heavy drinking and football before we came back to deal with all of the hate mail and offers of dirty, unprotected sex.

So settle the fuck down... We aren't going anywhere.

Anyway, the UCLA and USC game this weekend was fucking awesome. The game was seemingly over as USC took a knee up two scores with just under a minute to go, but Slick Rick called a timeout thinking that he had a fucking chance to win the game. What happened next was priceless... Old Pete showed little Ricky why UCLA is still USC's little bitch.






Some people are calling Pete an asshole for having the stones to run a play action bomb when the game was clearly over, but I think it was fucking awesome. Lets be real, UCLA had no fucking chance and Rick was just being a dick about it. USC did exactly what they should have done and went for the final, undeniable nail in the coffin. Apparently Rick didn't think the game was over, so why should USC? Well they didn't, and Pete Carroll just shoved his foot right up Neuheisel's asshole.

My favorite part of the clip is the UCLA players trotting out to midfield to taunt the Trojan players. Mother fuckers, you are getting your asses kicked on the field, what makes you think you could take 85 superior athletes in a brawl? You couldn't. So sit the fuck down. If you want to be pissed, be pissed at your Coach who put you in this situation. USC took a fucking knee and your Coach refused to accept defeat.

One thing is for sure, it's a fucking rivalry between the teams and the coaches and a little more gas was just thrown on the fire. Maybe it's time for UCLA to take out another full page ad...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, motherfuckers. We hope everyone has a great day and stuffs their fucking faces all day while consuming mass amounts of bourbon. This is the best holiday of the year, so fucking enjoy it. I'll be back tomorrow or Saturday with the NFL picks post plus some stories from the Celtics game last night and other general nonsense.

Green Bay (-10.5) over DETROIT
Oakland (+13.5) over DALLAS (Hit that fucking video board, Lechler!)
DENVER (+6.5) over New York Giants

I have a lot to be thankful for, but not on that list are today's games. BO-RING!

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Rex Ryan

Reader D. Chuck checks in this morning with a guest post nominee for Dorn of the Week. Here's what he has to say:

Jesus Christ I hate the Jets. Just shut the fuck up and move on! Why are you still talking about this game? How was LeVoir's block illegal in any way? He blocked you! You're in the NFL, you're going to get blocked, sometimes hard! Next time pay attention! And dear God, shut UP Rex Ryan. Disrespected? You are the poster boy for not respecting your opponent. You left season ticket holders voicemails before we played the first game. You made Kevin O'Connell (yes, the immortal Kevin O'Connell) a captain for this game, and the Week 2 game, solely because you were playing the Patriots. So shut the hell up. Oh, and speaking of disrespect, how about calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in a game that you were losing by 17? Is that respectful? GOD.

Well put. That fat fuck can choke on Fireman Ed's fucking helmet. Did you know he gave Fireman Ed a fucking gameball after the Week 2 game? How fucking pathetic is that?

Source: Boston Herald

Monday Morning Eff You: November 23, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. Fans of the University of Arizona
You stupid fucks! You know, call me crazy, but I think it's a pretty fucking good idea to wait until the game is actually OVER before you attempt to charge the field. You know who does that shit? Fucking Notre Dame. And just like the douchebag Irish, your team lost the fucking game, too! And really? You're going to rush the field after a win over fucking Oregon? Really?? I mean, yeah, fuck the Ducks and all that good shit but jesus fucking christ, have some pride in your team and try not to go fucking apeshit over a home win against Oregon. Fucking pathetic. You assholes can all bear down on my dick.

2. Charlie Weis
Hey, look who just suffered another humiliating loss? That's right! Big fat fuckhead Chaz Weis! Good god man, how many times does this need to happen before you just say fuck it and walk away. I know you're a dickhead and you want as much of a buyout as possible but fucking hell, aren't you embarrassed? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? HEY! Put that fucking cheeseburger down and listen to me! You fucking suck. Your school fucking sucks. And god dammit I love watching you lose, but please do us all a favor and just walk the fuck away.

3. Brett Favre
God dammit how is this piece of fuck 9-1 and having the best year of his life? That just will not fucking do. Start losing, asshole! And throwing those delicious pick sixes that you love to throw! I love those too! And while we're here, fuck Brad Childress too. That bearded fuck stumbles his way ass backwards into this dream season, gets a contract extension, and keeps calling for Favre to throw for TDs instead of handing the ball to Petersen and helping out the millions of fantasy players who took him with the first pick this year. Call more run plays, you bald piece of shit!

4. The Boston Celtics
God. Fucking. Dammit. Three Friday games in a row and three Friday losses in a row. Lock it the fuck up dickheads. Stop talking tough to the media about how you're only going to lose 10 games all year, or about how you're going to push the Magic around, or whatever the fuck else is in your stupid heads and just play basketball! You beat the Knicks by 2 last night! In overtime! THE FUCKING KNICKS!!! The bottom line is that you are playing like complete fuckheads right now and it is unacceptable. Get your heads out of each other's asses and stop fucking up the start of my weekend with a loss on Friday night.

5. The Mark Show
I have to put myself up here this week because I'm a fucking moron. After bemoaning the loss of Ronnie Brown because of the implications for my fantasy team you'd think that I would have dropped him or at the very least benched him, right? Nope! I completely forgot to set my roster up and left Brown in the starting lineup AND left Tomlinson on my bench. Tomlinson got 13 points. I lost my matchup by 4. Fuck. And the final kick in the balls is that I lost to BoozeRob's piece of shit team. Double fuck!

College Football Picks O' The Week!

4-0 last week, improving my picks record to 12-4. Look, I'll be the first to admit I cherry picked the shit out of those fucking games last week, so this week I vow to make it a little more difficult on myself. I'm taking games where anything could happen.

Stay tuned, its about to get crazy in here.

#25 Cal @ #17 Stanford
7:30 PM ET, No TV

Line: Stanford -8

Well shit, remember when I said that I wasn't going to cherry pick? Well apparently I lied. With Cal running back Jahvid Best out of the game due to a nasty landing against Oregon State a few weeks back, this game really lost some of its star power. That being said, don't count out the Bears just yet. They are coming off of an impressive victory of the then #17 Arizona Wildcats and have been getting outstanding production from backup RB Shane Vereen.

That being said, take the Tree in this one. The backfield combo of Andrew Luck and Toby Gerhart will just be too much for the Bears to overcome. I'm thinking the Tree win this one and pray for an Oregon loss to Arizona.

The real question is, will Cal track star Allison Stokke make the trip across the bay to watch the game....


Stanford 28 - Cal 17

Uconn @ Notre Dame
Charlie's Death March Continues
2:30 PM ET, NBC

Line: ND -6

Oh boy, wouldn't this be great to see that fat fuck Charlie lose yet another game at home to a team he has no business losing to. Well it could happen. In fact, I think it will happen.

This ND team is on its last legs. Sure they are bowl eligible, but with all the media attention swirling around who is going to take over for that fat asshole of a coach, do they really care? Probably not. In fact, I bet this is the week that the players just mail it in. Who gives a fuck anyway? Not Jimmy Speedo.... he's looking to the draft.

Uconn is going to need to control the clock by grinding it out on the ground. That means their two headed monster in the back field of Jordan Todman and Andre Dixon need to come up big. I bet anyone a nickel they will.

Don't worry Charlie, just think how many blocks of cheese you can get with your enormous gunt buyout!

Note: Surprisingly (or not) I couldn't find one hot chick for either ND or UConn. So I give you Bar. Enjoy


UPSET ALERT
Conn 24 - ND 23

#14 Penn State @ Michigan State
3:30 PM ET, ABC

Line: Michigan State +3


Joe-Pa and his degenerate hips roll into East Lansing this week hoping to keep their BCS bowl hopes alive. Really? BCS? Did anyone see how absolutely fucking terrible Penn State looked last week against Indiana?

FUCKING INDIANA!

Forget getting to a BCS bowl... I'm wondering if the Nitanny Lions win another fucking game this season.

Michigan State has won 4 of their last 6 at home in this series since 1997. MSU has the slight edge in yards per game with just over 279 of those yards coming through the air. MSU QB Kirk Cousins has been stellar this season throwing for 17 TD's to only 5 int's.

I keep telling myself that Penn State has a ball busting defense, but then they go and struggle against a lousy Indiana team. I don't think they have what it takes to stop Cousins, and I don't think they will put up the points to match. Look for the Spartans in a shocker.

UPSET ALERT
MSU 24 - Penn State 21


GAME OF THE WEEK!
#11 Oregon @ Arizona
8:00 PM ET, ABC

Line: Arizona +7

ESPN Gameday is making their first appearance in Tucson this week to bring us a battle between the Arizona Wildcats and the mother fucking Oregon Fucks. I hate those diamond plated wearing fucking tools.

Many of you maybe surprised to learn that Arizona actually has more total offense per game that Oregon. That's right. The Cats average 429.2 to Whoregon's 414.8. Neat huh? That being said, Oregon holds a decisive lead on the ground bringing the nations number 6 rushing attack to town to face off against a Zona team that is trying to keep its hopes of a first ever Rose Bowl alive.

Two great QB's in this one. I'm sure most of you have heard of Jeremiah Masoli for Oregon, but what about Zona's QB Nick Foles? This sophomore QB completes nearly 70% of his passes and runs a potent Wildcat offense like he's been there for years.

Big dreams on the line in this game. If Oregon can win out they are smelling roses for the first time since 1994. If Zona wins, we have a logjam at the top of the Pac 10 with Stanford, Zona, and the Beavs right there with the Quacks for a trip to Pasadena.

My pick? Well I told you I had a theme today....

Biggest game ever in Tucson = Biggest Win ever for the Cats

UPSET ALERT
Arizona 45 - Oregon 42


That's right. Three fucking upsets this week. Cherry pick that mother fuckers.

Until next week...

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 11

Well, last night's pick sucked fucking donkey balls. Apparently Ricky Williams is better than I thought. It's amazing what can happen when you stop toking up every fucking day. I should have known. Carolina has been fucking me all season with my picks. They are a huge pain in the ass. Whatever.

Remember a few weeks ago when I bitched about the old people in my apartment complex? Of course you don't. But the point is, I did bitch about it. And those old fuckers have done nothing since then to change my opinion. Fuck them. Why am I rehashing this? Well I got home from work today and came upon this:


Mother. Fucker. I know you can't really tell from the photo, but that car is parked directly in front of the stairs. And that is NOT A FUCKING PARKING SPOT! It's not enough for you to park like an asshole in a regular spot? Now you have to park in a no parking space AND fucking park diagonally? Well fuck you, whoever you are. I fucking hate you.

On to the picks...home team in CAPS

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland
What a fucking suckfest. I have no idea who is going to win this game but I can't fathom taking a franchise that I just nominated for Dorn of the Week. Also, fuck Eric Mangini right in his Mangina.

JACKSONVILLE (-8.5) over Buffalo
So long, Dick Jauron! I'll miss Skeletor and his complete and utter indifference on the sidelines. Anyway, the Jags are finally getting their shit together so this should be a nice blowout. I just really don't get the feeling that this Bills team is going to rally around a new coach.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco
The Packers look to be back on track after blanking Romo and the Cowboys on Sunday. And the Niners still suck. The only reason they got a win last week is because Jay Cutler is an overrated piece ofr shit. At least it shut Gregg Easterbrook up. Fucking douche.

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY
Losing Troy Palamalu hurts, but the Steelers are still going to rape the shit out of the Chiefs.

Washington (+11.5) over DALLAS
Dallas is winning this game. Washington is better than people think, though. Ladell Betts will do just fine replacing Portis.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta
Wow, Matty Ryan is falling apart like crazy, huh? Matty Ice my ass. The G-Men better win this game or Coughlin's head is going to fucking explode.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY
God the Saints have an easy schedule. Get ready for a loss next week against the Pats.

BALTIMORE (-0.5) over Indianapolis
Fuck Peyton Manning and fuck the Colts.

MINNESOTA (-11.5) over Seattle
God the Vikings have an easy schedule. And clearly I don't give a shit about most of this week's games so I'm mailing this post in.

Arizona (-9.5) over ST. LOUIS
BO-RING

San Diego (-2.5) over DENVER
Other websites actually have Denver favored in this game. That's free fucking money, poeple.

OAKLAND (+9.5) over Cincinnati
I just have a feeling that Cincy struggles in this one.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over New York Jets
This is going to be a fucking slaughter. The Pats are going to be fired up to make up for last week's choke job. The Jets are terrible and their head coach is a fucking crybaby. Fuck the Jets.

CHICAGO (+3.5) over Philadelphia
This is a stupid pick and I know it. Fuck.

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON
I think Houston wins this game, but it's gonna be by a field goal. What a shitty Monday night game.

NFL Quick Pick: Panthers

CAROLINA (-3) over Miami
Hey, guess who has the NFL Network and won't be watching this game? This guy! BO-RING! I was leaning towards Miami early in the week but then Ronnie Brown got placed on the IR yesterday and made my choice nice and fucking easy. That's a devastating blow to the Dolphins, and my fantasy team. Miami basically loses the Wildcat (Ricky Williams and Pat White are a ginormous step down from Brown) and I'm stuck with Tomlinson as my only decent RB. Plus, now that LDT had his one good game of the season while I had him on the fucking bench, he's sure to revert back to the raging pussy we all know he is.