NFL Picks O' The Week: Jets-Pats Week

Alright, before we even get started I need to address Tom Brady's comments from earlier in the week. Brady said that the Jets crowd was more hostile and then said that he saw people leaving on Sunday when the Pats were up by 21 in the middle of the 4th quarter. He also said that he didn't think Jets fans would be leaving early.

This ignited a fucking firestorm on the sports talk radio scene around here about Gillette being one of the quietest, if not the quietest, stadiums in the NFL. And that's true. There's no getting around it. The Pats have jack shit for home field advantage as far as crowd noise goes. Now, a part of me says "so what?" because their record home is awesome so are really blaming those few losses at home on the crowd? But the majority of me knows that it sucks that the crowd at Pats games really isn't up to creating a real advantage with a noise level that will distract the other team.

But the real question is, should Brady really be upset that fans were leaving once the team went up by THREE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS halfway through the 4th quarter. And to that, I say shut your fucking mouth, Tom, and cut your fucking hair. Who is he to say when people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets should leave the game? It's not like people were trying to beat traffic during a close game, like, um, the fucking JETS FANS who were leaving early even though it was a 10-9 game? Does Brady really need his ego stroked so much that he needs everyone to stay until the final whistle? What about the Tennessee game last year when Brian Hoyer came in because the Pats were up 50,000-0? Do the fans have to stay then? If Brady can leave early, why can't the fans who pay Brady's salary?

For the record, I was there on Sunday and my group didn't leave until about 3 minutes left in the game, after the Bengals had "cut it" it to 38-24.

Also for the record, I love Tom Brady and would have his babies, but if he wants to call out the crowd for not making enough noise, just say so. Don't beat around the bush.

And finally, a friend of mine who is a Bills fan (poor guy) had this theory last night while we were waiting for The Town (it was awesome) to start: Belichick and Brady are so smart that they decided that Brady would make these comments to take the media fire away from the Randy Moss press conference following Sunday's win.

Brilliant. I have no idea if that's the case, but the fact is that Brady's comments did knock Moss out of the media spotlight. And that's fantastic. I'm not worried about Moss AT ALL, but having to listen to a jackass like Felger spout his bullshit about how Moss is a cancer all week would have been fucking awful.

Ok, let's get to some fucking picks!

Home team in CAPS using ESPN lines...

ATLANTA (-6.5) over Arizona

I'm not really confident in Atlanta in general but at home, against fucking Derek Anderson, they should get a pretty solid win. After all, they actually do have a home field advantage.

CINCINNATI (+1.5) over Baltimore

Coming off a short week, the Ravens actually face a passing game that can expose their shitty secondary. Playing a Monday night road game followed by a division road game is never easy. I think the Ravens are solid but I also think Cincy is going to rebound from that pathetic display they put on at The Razor last Sunday.

Kansas City (+1.5) over CLEVELAND

how the fuck are the Browns favored in this game? I mean, yeah the win on Monday night was kinda fluky for the Chiefs but still, jesus.

Chicago (+8.5) over DALLAS

Anything less than 7 points and I would've taken Dallas here but jesus did you see that pathetic performance against Washington? Wow. Meanwhile, Chicago would have lost to Detroit if it weren't for Calvin Johnson being a dipshit. Yes, I think it was a catch. Yes, I think the rule is jacked up. But HE knows the rule, and it wouldn't have been very hard for him to just tuck the ball into his chest and leave absolutely no doubt. So it's Megatron's fault, and that's that.

Philadelphia (-3.5) over DETROIT

Mike Vick!! I actually don't care who is QB for the Eagles, they should stomp Detroit. Especially with Stafford out. Shaun Hill? Meh. I'm actually hoping Vick kicks ass so that we have a nice QB controversy once Kolb is un-concussed. That shit's always fun.

GREEN BAY (-13.5) over Buffalo

The Bills fan I mentioned earlier took the Bills for 16 confidence points in our picks league last week. "Yeah, it was a shot in the dark. Week 1 at home. Fuck. I won't be doing that again." Also, suicide alert!

Pittsburgh (+5.5) at TENNESSEE

I like the Titans to win this game but that line seems kinda high.

Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA

Again, I like Minnesota to win this game at home but jesus did you see Brett Favre on Thursday? That did not look like a guy who really wants to play this year. How funny would it be if he quit after a few games and then watched Tarvaris Jackson lead the Vikes to the playoffs?

CAROLINA (-2.5) over Tampa Bay

God what an awful game.

DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle

Typical Pete Carroll. Gets the first win and gets everyone's hopes up and then boom, everything comes crashing down. I bet Tebow gets into the endzone in this one.

St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND

I'm picking St. Louis until they win. Seriously. Well, at least this week anyway.

New England (-1.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Fuck the Jets. I'm nervous as shit about this game. The Jets are as desperate a team as you'll ever find in week 2 of the season and that's not a good thing for the Pats. What is a good thing, though, is that Mark Sanchez sucks fucking donkey balls. And besides Revis, so does the Jets secondary. Now, this was a problem last year when Welker was hurt for one game and the Pats had no other receiving threats. It's a different story this year, though, and with Welker, Tate, Hernandez, GRONK, and Edelman, Brady has enough targets to carve up the Jets defense. Also, New York's strength on offense last year, the running game, is weaker, thanks to letting Thomas Jones go and bringing in that whiny douchebag pussy LDT. Yeah, he looked decent in week 1 but that's typical of a veteran going to a new team looking to show some burst. He'll fade this week and even more as the season goes on. Fuck the Jets.

Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO

This is a stupid pick. I fully expect it to lose.

Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON

Tough one here. Texans probably overachieved against the Colts, meanwhile the Redskins stumbled their way assbackwards into a win thanks to some really dipshit moves by the Cowboys.

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over New York Giants

I don't believe it will happen but....can Indy please go 0-2? PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2!

New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

1. I can't believe this line isn't higher.
2. Didn't take long for Simmons to abandon his 13-3 prediction for San Fran, huh? Simbiotics my fucking ass.

By the way, I wrote this entire thing while playing with Baby Mark Show so if there are spelling/grammar/whatever errors, deal with it. And let me know and I'll fix them. And as I was typing I'm pretty sure he just unleashed a shit bomb into his diaper. Great.

LET'S GO PATS! FUCK THE JETS!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 1!

Well that was a fun little game last night, huh? Well, ok, it was sloppy as shit but who fucking cares. Football is back!

Home team in caps, using lines from ESPN

Miami (-3.5) over BUFFALO

I'd like this one better if I weren't giving up that half point but fuck it, Buffalo sucks. I'm actually surprised Miami isn't favored by more in this game. It's not like Buffalo has much of a homefield advantage anyway, but this early in the year when the weather is still warm, they don't have shit.

CHICAGO (-6.5) over Detroit

I would love to take Detroit in this game. They're going to be tougher this year than they have in years past. However, as much as I think the Cutler-Martz combo is going to crash and burn over the course of the year, I also think they're going to get off to a hot start, if only to tease Bears fans. Also, it's early in the season so Julius Peppers is probably going to be playing hard and will harass Stafford all day.

Oakland (+6.5) over TENNESSEE

Tennessee wins the game but Oakland keeps it pretty close. Vince Young can't throw the ball for shit anyway and Nnamdi is only going to make things more difficult for him. I just hope Chris Johnson doesn't go completely insane in this one. He's terrifying to face in fantasy, and you can guess who I'm going against this week. Also, I guess the fact that they're playing this game means they dried out the Titans' field after that ridiculous flooding. That was nuts.

NEW ENGLAND (-5.5) over Cincinnati

Tom Brady is happy with his new contract and a happy Tom Brady makes me happy. In the pants. Also, Randy Moss is pissed off and ready to prove to everyone that he's still capable of earning one more big contract. He's going to have a monster year. And guess who's going to be in attendance at Gillette on Sunday? The Mark Show! Fuck yeah! Bottom line here is that the Pats aren't going to lose a home opener AND they've never lost a game when I've been there. How's THAT for a jinx? Fuck.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Carolina

That line seems awfully high for a Giants team that got blown out 400 to nothing in their final game last year. So of course I'm taking them. I'm a fucking idiot.

PITTSBURGH (+2.5) over Atlanta

Is Dennis Dixon really that awful that the Steelers are getting points at home? I say no. They'll pick up the win here on their way to 2-2 before The Rapist returns.

Cleveland (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY

Other than quarterback Josh Freeman I can't name one player on the Bucs off the top of my head. That's not a good sign. Actually, other than Delhomme I don't think I can name anyone on the Browns either. Jesus. Either I'm slipping in my old age (30!) or these teams really really blow. Maybe it's both. Getting old sucks. Also, I got kicked out of the bed last night because I rolled over on to Baby Mark Show. Oops.

Denver (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE

I swear to god I heard on talk radio the other day that Maurice Jones-Drew is hurt. Is that true? I'm far too lazy to look it up. Well, if it is true, the Jags are truly fucked. Even against the Broncos. This game is annoying because no matter what happens, Peter King is going blather on and on about what Tim Tebow did or didn't do in MMQB.

Indianapolis (-3.5) at HOUSTON

No god damn way I'm taking the Texans over the Colts until they actually beat them once. Until then I'm taking the Colts and not thinking twice about it. Although if the Colts lose right away it would spare us from having to listen to debates about whether or not they should try for an undefeated season when they're 14-0. Fucking pussies.

San Francisco (-2.5) at SEATTLE

Bill Simmons picked the Niners to go 13-3. He's batshit crazy. And fucking annoying. Did you read that piece of shit Simbotics column yesterday? "Here's my system. It's foolproof and works every time. Unless it doesn't. Then you fucked up somehow. But it wasn't the system!" Jackass.

Green Bay (-1.5) over PHILADELPHIA

The Kevin Kolb Era begins. My guess is we get halfway through the 2nd quarter before the boos fill the stadium. The Packers are going to jump all over them. I'm picking too many road teams, though.

ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Arizona

There, that's better. Wait, no it's not. I just picked the fucking Rams! I don't care, though. For whatever reason, I like rookie quarterbacks in the first game of the season. Just seems like they always come out hot and get everyone excited before the season wears on and teams actually have game film to scout. I have no statistical evidence to back this up. I just know I picked Sanchez and the Jets in their first game last year (on the road!) and they came through, so it has to be true! Unless it isn't.

Dallas (-3.5) at WASHINGTON

Donovan McNabb plays poorly and Redskins fans freak the fuck out. You gotta love Skins fans. They seriously think their team is one of the elite franchises in the NFL, even though that hasn't been true since 1991.

Baltimore (+3.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Another fan base that is going to be freaking the fuck out all week. That's gonna be fun. And look, I loved Hard Knocks just as much as anyone else, but the end, with Revis coming back? Made me want to fucking puke. This asshole, with three years left on his contract, held out for the entire preseason before finally getting his deal done. Hey, fine, he was underpaid. But the Jets, and Hard Knocks, welcomed him back like he was a fucking war hero, or someone coming back from a devastating injury. It was pretty pathetic. You can keep your goose bump music and slow clap, thank you very much.

San Diego (-5.5) over KANSAS CITY

The stupid 2nd Monday Night Football game to open the year. I really don't get why they do this. The ratings are always fucking terrible, they throw a shitty announcing squad at the game, and the teams generally blow. I guess it's a little better this year, but still. Fucking stupid.

Have an awesome Sunday, everyone.

OGDH NFL Preview: The AFC

Oh praise motherfucking Jebus the season is here! Let's jump right in to the AFC preview.

AFC West

God, why do the West divisions in both conferences suck so much? San Diego should win this division but it's not going to be the runaway it was last year. They're missing a few key players due to holdouts and injuries, especially Vincent Jackson, who is Philip Rivers' best receiver by far. First he's sitting out a nice little 3-game suspension for something that I don't feel like looking up, and after that he's planning on holding out over a contract dispute. He's also on my fantasy roster so I'm a little torn on this one. One one hand, quit being a jackass and catch some touchdowns for my fantasy team, jerk! On the other hand, anything that hurts one of the conference's better teams is fucking fine by me. Although my hate for the Chargers has dropped immensely since they cut that piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fuck him.

The Broncos are interesting because Josh McDaniels is all over the place with his personnel moves, trading Cutler and Marshall, drafting Tebow, signing Brady freaking Quinn. While I don't think Tebow will see much time at quarterback this year other than goal line situations, I do think he's going to be a solid NFL player. Booze disagrees. We have a bottle of scotch riding on it. I just can't remember what the timeline for the bet is. Help me out, Booze.

Oakland and Kansas City should both be better than they have in previous years but I still don't think they're going to do anything significant. I mean, it's the Raiders and Chiefs for god's sake. And don't let Bill Simmons tell you any different when he picks his sleeper team for this season. He's full of shit.

The Mark Show's picks: San Diego, Denver, KC, Oakland

Bamadawg's picks: San Diego, Denver, Oakland, KC

BoozeRob's picks: San Diego, Oakland, Denver, KC

AFC North

Alright, we've got the rapists, the (alleged) murderers, a whole slew of criminals.....and the Browns. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.

The Ravens are this year's popular pick to go to the Super Bowl from the AFC. I'm not so sure. I'd like to see Joe Flacco perform in a big game before I pencil them in as AFC champs. And let's not forget that their secondary might be the worst of any contender besides the Pats, and even that's assuming that Ed Reed comes back in week 7 after sitting out on the PUP list for the first 6 games. Still, I think they win the division, especially with the huge upgrade at receiver with Boldin and Housh.

I think the Steelers will be fine. They're gonna go 2-2 while Rapelisberger sits out his suspension and then get things working once he returns. They're annoying like that. They are going to miss Santonio Holmes, though.

Cincinnati is going to fall back to the pack after that random division title last year. I still can't believe they swept both the Steelers and the Ravens. No fucking way that happens again.

The Mark Show's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincinnati, Cleveland

Bamadawg's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincy, Mark's team he abandoned for the Pats

BoozeRob's picks: Baltimore, *Cincy*, The Fightin' Dennis Dixons, Holmgren's Homos

AFC South

Oh did I post that yesterday? My bad. I must have forgotten.

Anyway, as much as I'd love for Indy to suffer from the Super Bowl loser curse thing and miss the playoffs, there's just no way it's happening. While Manning may choke his fat face off in the playoffs, he's still going to lead the Colts to like 12 wins and another division title. Whoopie.

Tennessee MIGHT be able to give the Colts a little pressure this year. Remember they went 8-2 once they finally benched Kerry Collins' drunk ass. I don't think Chris Johnson will have the insane season he did last year but that guy is still an animal and Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league so I expect Tennessee to at least make this division sort of interesting.

Houston will finish 8-8 again, miss the playoffs again, and at this time next year everyone will be talking about how this is the year the Texans finally get over the hump, again. Lather, rinse, repeat, everybody.

Who is the other team in this division?........................Oh, Jacksonville! (Seriously that took me 5 minutes to think of because I didn't want to cave and look it up) Anyway, let's just say that when people are talking about drafting Tim Tebow so that your team can sell tickets....it's probably not a good sign for your upcoming season. Or your franchise in general.

The Mark Show's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

Bamadawg's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

BoozeRob's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

AFC East

Ok so Buffalo sucks. They might win 2 games. Might. Let's just move on to the 3-horse race in this division.

Miami, the bane of my weekly picks existence, made a significant offseason acquisition in getting Brandon Marshall. I'm still not sure what made him lose his mind during training camp last year but once the season started he still put up big numbers, just like he has every year of his career. And now, playing for a new team, looking to make a good impression, look out. Except that he has Chad Henne throwing him the ball for a team that is still its best when the ball is Ronnie Brown's hands. Brown and Ricky Williams should again lead a solid rushing attack, and wildcat, that, combined with a solid defense, will make the Dolphins a tough team to beat.

Once the Jets get Santonio Holmes back from his suspension they'll finally have someone who actually catches the ball lined up opposite of Braylon "Hands" Edwards. Well, he'll catch the ball if Sanchez can put it in his general vicinity anyway. Sanchez has looked like absolute DOGSHIT in preseason and all throughout Hard Knocks, which was a fucking outstanding show this year. It would make things a lot easier if Rex Ryan weren't so likable. Fucking fatass blowhard. Luckily, they're still the Jets, so they're easily hateable, AND they brought in piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fucking guy. I still can't believe the first thing he did when he signed with the Jets was to get a tattoo of the Jets logo on his calf. Tell me that's not a douchebag thing to do? Seriously, try to come up with any explanation for that without calling Tomlinson a douchebag. It's fucking unpossible. Fucking Ladanian Tomlinson. And fuck Revis for caving. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE MONEY!

And now, the Patriots.

The Good: Brady's knee is finally fully healthy, as are his ribs and finger that was bothering him at the end of the season last year. Wes Welker is somehow ready for opening day, indicating that he's some sort of bionic freak. Rob Gronkowski (GRONK), Aaron Hernandez and Brandon Tate provide three new weapons for Brady to throw to. It looks like Belichick has finally had enough of Maroney tap-dancing into the line of scrimmage. They still have Brady and Belichick. Brady is so fired up for the season that he's fucking ramming vans with his Audi at 6:30 in the morning before practice.

The Bad: They lost Ty Warren for the season (Fuck!), the secondary, the defense in general.

This team is going to have to score a fuckload of points, especially early in the season, to win games. The young defense should get better as the year goes along and hopefully hit its stride going into the playoffs.

Basically this division comes down to whether or not you buy the hype on the Jets. I don't. They're 8-8 waiting to happen, even with Revis, who had the best season possibly ever for a CB. He'll still be very good, obviously, but he won't be AS good. And that makes a difference. Until someone besides the Pats wins the division while Brady is the QB, I'm taking the Pats.

The Mark Show's picks: Pats, *Dolphins*, Jets, Bills

Bamadawg's picks: Jets, *Pats*, Dolphins, Bills

BoozeRob's picks: Jets, *Fuck off, Mark!*, Dolphins, Bills

And now for tonight's quick pick!

(Using the line from ESPN's pigskin pick 'em)

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Minnesota

The Super Bowl champ has won the last 10 opening night games. I'm excited to see if the Saints go after Favre as viciously as they did in the NFC championship game and if the Vikings retaliate at all. It's gonna be fun as shit to watch. Also, this is my suicide pick for the week. I'm not sure I've ever seen an opening slate of games with no clear suicide pick. Fucking brutal. Last year I lasted all 17 weeks. Let's hope I make it past week 1 this year.

FOOTBALL, BABY!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 25, 2010 - The Thank You Edition!

We're doing things a little bit different today here in MMFU. Today it's all about saying thank you, because that was a pretty damn great day of football yesterday. Wanna fight about it?

1. Thank You Brett Favre
Holy fucking shit was that fucking great or was it so fucking awesomely great that it can barely be put in to words?!? The only way that could have been better is if Tracy Porter had taken that interception to the house to end the game, if only to save us from the bitching about the NFL's OT rules.

I'll be honest, I was starting to get worried on that final drive. Can you imagine if the Vikings hadn't completely shit the bed and actually gotten into field goal range and kicked the game winner. The "Favre is a warrior" stories would have broken the internet. I mean, the Saints were fucking PUMMELING him. And yeah, he played up the ankle injury because he's a manipulative piece of shit attention whore, but still, he was getting the fucking shit kicked out of him.

But deep down I knew, we all did, as soon as that play broke down you could just feel it coming. And then BAM! Picked off! I didn't even realize it, but I was cackling like a fucking hyena so loud that Wifey, who was in bed 2 rooms away, texted me asking "What's so funny?" I honestly had no idea I was even laughing. I was just in a state of euphoria. God it was fucking great.

2. Thank You Tom Jackson
We all knew that the media would immediately begin to protect Favre, especially the likes of Chris Berman and Peter King (NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT FAVRE'S DAUGHTER!), but then out of nowhere comes Tom Jackson with possibly the funniest quote of all time:

That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. It's one of the things I admire about him.

Excuse me, but...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus fucking Christ how can someone say that with a straight face? And no one the ESPN crew even blinked. Can you imagine if someone defended anyone else that way? Tony Romo? Jake Delhomme? Jamarcus Russell? They'd probably be fired on the fucking spot. But with Favre? Everyone just nods in agreement. Fucking Favre. What a cock.

But TJ's right, Favre certainly isn't afraid to throw an interception. Especially one that ends his team's season, which he's done for the last three years. How awesome is that? The last pass Favre has thrown in each of the last three seasons has been an interception to crush his team's dreams. It's downright poetic.

Also, TJ's quote kicked off an awesome Twitter trend led by Will Leitch. Check it out for some laughs.

3. Thank You Garrett Hartley
Finally! A kicker with some fucking gonads nails one in the playoffs! When he lined up for the kick and FOX showed that angle from behind the kicker that makes the goal posts look a million miles away MY heart started pounding. I can't even imagine what that was like for the 23-year old who took over midseason from John Carney. And he fucking striped it right down the fucking middle. Well done, kid.

4. Thank You Peyton Manning
Hold on, I just puked all over myself.

Ok, cleaned that up, fucking disgusting. But anyway, so long, New York Jets! In my post on Sunday I said that I'd be rooting for the Colts but the second the game started I just couldn't do it. So I sat back and just enjoyed the game, being happy about whichever team was losing at the moment. It's an interesting way to watch a football game, that's for sure. But in the end, I'm happy the Jets are gone. And I'm even happier that my friends living in New York don't have to deal with the aftermath of the Jets making the Super Bowl.

5. Thank You Everyone Who Played On Sunday
After a pretty shitty run of playoff games, we finally got a day of games worth watching. And I watched every second, at least when I wasn't on the shitter, stupid stomach. Let's all enjoy it until next Monday when the MMFU returns with a fucking vengeance after what is sure to be the worst Pro Bowl ever. And that's saying something.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Championship Games!

Holy shitballs it's Sunday morning and I haven't done my NFL post yet! Fuck me! Alright so let's get right to the games...

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over New York Jets
We could easily change this line to SATAN (-1 GAZILLION) over My Soul. I'm still in shock that the two teams I hate the most in the fucking world are squaring off with a Super Bowl appearance on the line. If there were a god, which this game clearly illustrates there is not, the Jets would win this game. The ironing of the Colts laying down and allowing the Jets into the playoffs only to see the Jets come back and beat them would be delicious. De-li-cious. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.

But more importantly, who would I rather see win this game? Well, neither team, obviously, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I think I'd have to say the Colts. If Manning didn't already have a Super Bowl it would be Jets all the way, or if the Colts weren't complete pussies and were actually undefeated right now. But as it sits now, another Manning Super Bowl win doesn't really bother me that much. He'll still have fewer than Brady, and obviously nothing changes with all of his MVPs and stats and all that bullshit. Whatever.

But the Jets? Oh fucking mercy. We all know their fans are complete and utter fucktards as is, but can you imagine what it would be like if they win a Super Bowl? (Yes, I know, Boston fans are obnoxious. Point taken) Not only that, but a New York win would also bring out every piece of shit fuckhead that roots for whatever New York team happens to be winning at the moment. Jesus christ I fucking hate people like that.

Put it this way, the Colts are gonorrhea and the Jets are herpes. At some point, Peyton Manning is going to retire and the Colts will return to sucking. Eventually, they're going away, just like gonorrhea once you get a shot or take whatever you take to get rid of it. But the Jets? They're in the division, they're here for fucking over. Sure, they may not always be a factor, but every once in a while there's an outbreak and it's the worst thing ever. God I fucking hate the Jets. So there you go, I'm taking gonorrhea over herpes and that's that. Fucking shit.

(Note: all STD knowledge obtained from tv commercials and Eddie Murphy's Delirious)

NEW ORLEANS (-4) over Minnesota
This is it, people. It's going to happen. It's got to happen. It BETTER fucking happen! This is the game where Brett Favre is going fuck the Vikings in the ass. I can feel it in my bones. Oh sure, he said on NFL Live or whatever show that he knows that if the Saints get a couple quick scores that he has to remain patient but we all know the truth about that fucktaster. The Gunslinger is still alive and just waiting to rear it's glorious head at just the right moment to crush the dreams of Vikings fans everywhere. And I'm going to love it. Fucking LOVE it.

The Saints have to win this game. They just do. For the love of all that is holy. Please, New Orleans, save us from two weeks of nonstop Favre. Yes, the Hurricane Katrina storyline is overplayed and annoying, but it's nothing compared to Favre. Fucking. Go. Saints.

Monday Morning Eff You: January 18, 2010

1. Brett Favre
Not only did this motherfucker go out and throw a perfect fucking game against the Cowboys, we had to listen to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman go even more overboard than usual sucking his dick. Fucking A that was infuriating. I didn't even really have a problem with the TD at the end that was completely unnecessary. What pissed me off was that after the score he went running around like a fucking jackass with his arms held high, chest bumping everyone in sight like he had just thrown a game-winning TD. Hey fuckhead, the game's fucking over, how about you just pump your fist once and head to the sidelines like any non-piece of fuck QB out there. Everyone practically shit bricks when the Pats were running up the score in 2007, but at least they weren't celebrating like that fuckhead Favre.

And then to top everything off, he had to go and ruin Pants on the Ground. I haven't seen the clip yet but I'm still enjoying Pants on the Ground and that would fucking destroy it for me, but just knowing that it exists really pisses the shit out of me. Fuck you, Brett Favre!

2. Nate Kaeding
What a little fucking bitch. Introducing the new Mike Vanderjagt, everybody! Fucking money when there's no pressure, and the biggest choke artist of all fucking time when it actually matters. This is the 4th playoff game that Kaeding has pulled a significant choke job in and when you look at him, it's not hard to see why. I feel like my pinky finger could kick his ass. I know kickers aren't supposed to look tough or anything but jesus does he look like a fucking pussy.

3. The playoffs so far
Let's see...6 blowouts, 1 close but pretty fucking boring game, and 1 exciting game. This is not the way it's supposed to be, fuckers! And to make matters worse, we're down to Peyton and the Colts, the fucking Jets, and mother fucking Brett Favre. What a fucking nightmare. I can't even decide who I'd least like to win the Super Bowl, besides the Saints obviously, but there's a good chance that I'm going to want to kill myself by the end of Super Bowl 44. Fuck.

4. The weather
Hey! Nobody fucking told me I was going to wake up to 4 inches of snow and slush and shit all over the place this morning! God fucking damn it. By the time I had finished clearing my car off, which didn't take more than 5 minutes, my feet were completely soaked because it was just warm enough for all the snow to melt into a giant puddle around my car. Then I started driving to work, thinking it wouldn't be too bad because of the holiday but I was wrong. Oh was I fucking wrong. A drive that normally takes less than 30 minutes took a fucking hour and a half. Fucking bullshit.

5. BoozeRob
Finish your fucking Lane Kiffin post you shitheap!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 11, 2010

Oh man, what a fucking weekend. My picks fucking sucked. The Patriots fucking sucked. The Celtics fucking sucked. Pretty much everything fucking sucked. Let's get to it.

1. The New England Patriots
Look, I had no illusions that this was going to be a Super Bowl year for the Pats. None at all. The 10-6 record was kind of pathetic, considering the winnable games that they fucking blew in the second half. The team didn't really have a quality win all season. But still, Sunday's game was a fucking shocker. Holy fucking shit that was fucking embarrassing. Watching Tom Brady throw duck after fucking duck was excruciating. Maybe his finger really is broken, jesus christ I hope is finger really is broken, but that was fucking terrible. 3 picks? Fucking terrible. The fumble was Matt Light's fault. He's fucking done as left tackle for the Pats. He might still be a serviceable lineman for the team but if Sebastian Vollmer isn't starting at LT next year I'll be fucking shocked.

I just really can't believe how the team just rolled the fuck over and let the Ravens fuck them in the ass yesterday. The opposing team's QB throws 4 completions and they still win by 19? And it wasn't even that close? Jesus christ I still can't even wrap my head around that shit. Fucking fuck that sucked. Some people are saying that it was better to lose like that instead of losing a close game. Fuck that shit. Those people are fucking idiots.

The only silver lining is that the Ravens have a MUCH better chance of beating the Colts than the Jets did. Please, Baltimore, rape the shit out of Peyton Manning. Please. That's all I have left to root for, a Colts loss.

Also, I had to shave my playoff beard, which fucking sucked. I was really looking forward to torturing Wifey with it for another week.

2. Shayne Graham
When you miss 35 and 24 yard field goals in a fucking playoff game you deserve to fucking die. Maybe those absolute fucking choke job shanks wouldn't have made a difference but jesus christ, that was awful.

And now the fucking Jets are still playing while the Pats are done. Mother. Fuck. I hate a lot of teams in the NFL, but the Jets are by far my most hated team. Fuck those shitheads. Fuck Rex Ryan and his cocky fat ass. Fuck Mark Sanchez (even though his dig at Pete Carroll was fucking great). Fuck New York City in general. Fuck them all. And fuck my life. San Diego better fucking eliminate them. Fuck.

3. The refs in the Green Bay-Arizona game
Honestly, I don't really care about this because at least I got one game right with my shitty ass picks this weekend. But something has to be said about the fact that there were at least two plays I saw where Larry Fitzgerald completely plowed over a defensive player to make a catch, including a ridiculous touchdown catch, and no pass interference was called even though Randy Moss got called for a much less blatant play earlier in the day. And as much as I enjoyed the game-ending play, it probably should have been a face mask call. When they showed the replay I argued with my family-in-law that since the ball was already fumbled it didn't matter but in reality it probably should have been roughing the passer or a face mask penalty. Oh well.

4. The first three games this weekend
Bengals-Jets: Fucking BO-RING
Cowboys-Eagles: Fucking blowout filled with penalties that lasted FOUR fucking hours
Patriots-Ravens: Over in the first quarter

Fucking A. Next weekend will probably be filled with awesome games and somehow I'll get pulled away from the tv and miss some awesome shit. Fuck.

5. Pete Carroll
I'm sure Booze will have more to say about Petey in the days to come but seriously, how much of a fucking prick is Pete Carroll? After underachieving and losing to huge underdogs the past few years it's clear that Carroll isn't the savior that everyone thought he was. And now USC is about to get fucking hammered by the NCAA and lose multiple years of bowl eligibility and Petey is fleeing the scene. What a fucking shithead. I honestly do not understand why the Seahawks are handing him the job. It makes no fucking sense. He sucked with the Jets and the Pats and time after time it's been shown that successful college coaches fucking blow as NFL coaches. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Pete.

NFL Quick Pick: New York Jets

New York Jets (-3.5) over Buffalo
No home team here, people. This game is up in fucking Toronto. Not that you'll be watching anyway since it's on the NFL Network and these teams suck. There are plenty of better options, including the Civil War, as Booze described in the previous post. Darrelle Revis is going to completely shut down a rejuvenated TO and as long as Sanchez doesn't shit in his diaper the Jets should cover the spread. And if they don't, it's just another reason to hate those fuckers. Not that I need one.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Rex Ryan

Reader D. Chuck checks in this morning with a guest post nominee for Dorn of the Week. Here's what he has to say:

Jesus Christ I hate the Jets. Just shut the fuck up and move on! Why are you still talking about this game? How was LeVoir's block illegal in any way? He blocked you! You're in the NFL, you're going to get blocked, sometimes hard! Next time pay attention! And dear God, shut UP Rex Ryan. Disrespected? You are the poster boy for not respecting your opponent. You left season ticket holders voicemails before we played the first game. You made Kevin O'Connell (yes, the immortal Kevin O'Connell) a captain for this game, and the Week 2 game, solely because you were playing the Patriots. So shut the hell up. Oh, and speaking of disrespect, how about calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in a game that you were losing by 17? Is that respectful? GOD.

Well put. That fat fuck can choke on Fireman Ed's fucking helmet. Did you know he gave Fireman Ed a fucking gameball after the Week 2 game? How fucking pathetic is that?

Source: Boston Herald