Monday Morning Eff You: February 1, 2010

Well, not the most exciting weekend, but we'll see what kind of hate and anger I can muster up. Let's do this!

1. The Pro Bowl
Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the fucking worst. The players don't give a shit. The fans don't give a shit. They have stupid pussy rules on defense, even worse than the pussy rules they put on defenses in real games. And this year, they moved it from Hawaii to the Super Bowl site and played it the week before the Super Bowl.

Now, I admit, I originally thought this was a good idea. You see, I WANT to like the Pro Bowl. I mean, it IS football, or at least it kind of is. And I always thought the biggest problem with having after the Super Bowl was that as soon as the SB is over, I'm fucking done. I've peaked, climaxed, blown my load, I'm just fucking done. And the thought of watching a game with practice squad intensity just didn't appeal to me at all. That's not the last image of football that I want heading into the interminable offseason.

So hey, move it to before the big game and even though it's the same shitty football, who gives a shit there's still the Super Bowl next weekend! Well, I was wrong. Although I watched more of the game than I have in god knows how long, it still fucking sucks. In fact, moving the game to before the SB took out the only good part about the Pro Bowl, all the stupid skills challenges and shit like that that you could catch on ESPN2 or NFL Network or whatever. That's some good mindless entertainment and unless I just missed it all week there was none of that.

So fuck off, NFL, and move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii and give me my skills competitions. Of course, that isn't going to happen since ratings went up big time for last night's game. Fuck.

2. The Boston Celtics
Man, talk about a shitty 3-game stretch, ending in a complete 4th quarter collapse against fucking Kobe and the Lakers yesterday. Ok, so losing to the Magic, Hawks, and Lakers isn't the worst thing in the world, but the team's play and health are concerning to say the least. The good news is that it's before the all-star break and there is plenty of time to rest guys, get them healthy, and get ready for a playoff run that will only feature one round of home court advantage. The bad news is that it's before the all-star break and we have to listen to Bill Simmons whine and cry like an entitled douchebag for another 4 months. Speaking of The Sports Guy...

3. Bill Simmons
Oh, you're ready for the 2011 lockout? Newsflash, dickhead, all it takes for you to experience a lockout is for you to stop following the team. Jesus christ I've never seen anyone whine so much about a team that is 29-16. Yes, there are concerns, but not every team is going to go wire to wire as the favorite to win the championship. Simmons always claims to be the ultimate fan, always supporting the team and whatever, but at the slightest sign of imperfection he writes everything off and uses hindsight to talk about the moves the team should have made. See: Pats should have drafted Shonne Greene. It's fucking annoying. And this is from the guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about the so-called 5-year grace period. Well the C's are in Year 2, cock.

And really? You're ready for pitchers and catchers? Because this Red Sox season is sure to be a smooth ride to an AL East title from start to finish, right? Team is stacked from top to bottom. We're talking 110 wins, EASY! It's gonna be a looooong summer reading this douchebag complain about ANOTHER team in its 5-year grace period.

4. BoozeRob
Oooooooooh, look at meeee!! I just got a 55-inch Samsung LED TV! It's so thin and sexy and the picture is amazing! Memememememeeeeeeeee! Lucky bastard.

/stares at 52-inch Samsung LCD TV with contempt

5. Target
Fuck you, Target. Your website fucking sucks and it's a pain in the balls to do baby registry stuff there. That means I actually have to go to your fucking store and zap shit that's in the store, but not on the website. How the FUCK do you not have the diaper genie online? Baby Mark Show is gonna fucking NEED that! You're fucking worthless. I'm thiiiiiis close to switching to Babies R Us. Fucks.

Speaking of Baby Mark Show, we're 3 months and 5 days from the due date. Oh wait, it's actually less than that because February isn't a real month! Ho. Ly. Shitballs.

Monday Morning Eff You: December 21, 2009

Hey, it's our 100th post! Didn't think we'd get this far, did you? Well then fuck you!

1. BamaDawg
Oh, you wanted the Celtics to lose on Friday night AND were waiting for my Dolphins pick so you could bet the other way? Well fuck you for both of those things coming true. Honestly I didn't even know the C's were playing because I was too busy getting drunk at a holiday party by slamming eggnog mixed with bourbon, whiskey and brandy, so whatever. But still, fuck off.

2. Dan Dierdorf
At some point during the Patriots' lackluster win at Buffalo, this fat fuck declared that this season was one of Bill Belichick's best coaching jobs. That, quite frankly, is a fucking ridiculous statement. We all know NFL announcers say all sorts of stupid shit from week to week but jesus that was stupid. And it only served to remind me that there is nothing about the way the Pats are playing right now that indicates they will make a solid run in the playoffs. Fuck.

3. Bill Simmons
From the Sports Guy's twitter feed:

sportsguy33: Beautiful weather in SoCal today!!! Sunny & 76 degrees. What's it doing back East? (Listening.) Oh. Wow. This is awkward.

What a fucking douchebag. Listen, fuckface, just because you're a fucking pussy now (although you very well could have always been a pussy) and live in LA doesn't mean those of us on the East Coast are afraid of a little snow. I took 20 minutes to wipe off my car and shovel away the snow around the car and then I went back inside. Oh the fucking horror! Fuck off.

4. Brett Favre
After a one-week hiatus, the king of fucksticks is back! Oh, you didn't want to come out of the game yesterday? Well fuck you, asshole! Brad Childress is a shitty fucking coach, no one is arguing that, but when your old ass is getting buttfucked by Julius Peppers every other play, maybe Childress has a point when he wants to take you out of a somewhat meaningless game. You realize you're 40 fucking years old, right? And that even from the start of the year you were saying you didn't know if you could play a full season? Well then take a fucking seat when your coach thinks it might help the team in the long run you selfish fuck. You sure did a lot of good by staying in the game, leading the offense to zero points. Fucker.

5. The Kansas City Chiefs
Holy fucking shit! You let Jerome Harrison rush for 286 yards and break Jim Brown's team record for rushing yards in a game? That's a fucking disgrace. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Jerome Harrison?? Who the fuck is that?

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 13

Alright people, I've sufficiently regrouped from that fucking ass-kicking on Monday so let's just do the thing, right?

Home team in CAPS

Philadelphia (-4.5) at ATLANTA

I fucking HATE picking Philly games. Hate, hate, hate! They have to be one of the most frustrating teams of all time, right? They have the talent, but every third week they look like a JV high school team. McNabb starts rifling the ball straight into the fucking ground, Andy Reid is doing idiotic Andy Reid things, Westbrook is fucking hurt AGAIN. It's infuriating, and damn near impossible to predict. Lock it the fuck up, jerks. I can't even fathom what it's like to be an Eagles fan.

CHICAGO (-8.5) over St. Louis

If Cutler can't get his shit back on track against the Rams this weekend then he's just fucking hopeless. And you know what? He might actually be hopeless. When I watch him play there is nothing that makes me think he'll ever be the top tier quarterback that so many people anointed him to be so prematurely. Oooooooooh, arm strength! Big fucking deal. A fuckload of people have good arm strength.

Detroit (+13.5) over CINCINNATI

Cincy has this annoying habit of playing down to their competition. Motherfuckers had me sweating for a while last weekend against the fucking BROWNS because they were my suicide pick.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Tennessee

There's no fucking way Tennessee is winning this game. No. Fucking. Way. 6 straight losses followed by 6 straight wins? The redemption of Vince Young? Handing the Colts their first loss? Keeping the playoff dream alive? That is WAY too many happy/cool story lines for one team to have riding on a game. The Titans have no chance.

/dear lord let the Titans win

Denver (-4.5) over KANSAS CITY

Suicide pick alert! Aaaaaaaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth. But fuck, I'm running out of teams to choose and the Broncos were my best choice. Puke. Get it done, Neckbeard!

WASHINGTON (+8.5) over New Orleans

The Redskins have been playing better football lately and the Saints HAVE to be due for a letdown game this week, right? I originally picked the Saints but just now switched to Washington...so you can almost fucking guarantee the Saints are gonna blow them out. The last minute switch never fucking works. Fuck me.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over CAROLINA

Who is starting for the Panthers in this game? Am I starting? That would be fucking rad. I could throw fewer picks than Delhomme. Give me a call, Coach Fox!

JACKSONVILLE (-0.5) over Houston

I'm confused by this line. Jacksonville is the better team and they're playing at home. What the fuck?

PITTSBURGH (-11.5) over Oakland

After being called out by some teammates after sitting out last week's game against the Ravens, I get the feeling that we're gonna see a fucking MONSTER game from Big Ben here. Like 400 yards passing and 4 TDs.

New England (-6.5) over MIAMI

Bill Simmons was whining about this line on his podcast earlier in the week, claiming that the line should be no higher than 3 in the Pats' favor. Really, fuckface? Giving only 3 points to a team that just got destroyed by BUFFALO?? Seriously, fuck off, you front running shithead. Simmons is always pointing out and criticizing the Boston media for pulling the whole "sky is falling" routine, yet he does the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING after any Pats loss. It's fucking infuriating. Yes, the loss on Monday sucked donkey dick, and yes, it raised some questions about the team. But listen, dickwad, the season is not fucking over, so stop with all this doomsday bullshit and setting yourself up to say "I told you so" if the Pats don't get it done in the postseason.

San Diego (-8.5) over CLEVELAND

The only exciting thing about this game is waiting to see what kind of shit Mangini pulls out of his ass. Was the other team cheating? Was it the refs fault? The Dawg Pound?? Why did you guys suck this week, Eric? Fucking asshole.

SEATTLE (-0.5) over San Francisco

I have nothing to say about this game.

BoozeRob DOES have something to say about this game:

Both of these teams fucking suck. If an asteroid hit the stadium, the fucking NFL wouldn't care. Seriously would anyone miss the Niners or the Hawks? Fuck no. SF fans are too busy sucking dick and Hawks fans are trading fucking scarves from the Sounders season.

Fuck my life.

Well ok then.

Dallas (-1.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
I think we're a week away from the annual Dallas December Collapse. Just feels like they're gonna get the fans' hopes up before crashing and burning to 9-7.

ARIZONA (+3.5) over Minnesota
This pick is void if Warner doesn't get the start. And honestly, god boy, get your balls out of your fucking purse and get out there. Two weeks is long enough to recover from what may not have even been a concussion in the first place. Get out there and make this the battle of the gray-bearded quarterbacks, you pussy.

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Baltimore
The Ravens are done. A loss here leaves them floundering for a wild card spot and there's no way the AFC North is sending three teams to the playoffs. Plus a loss means we get to hear the sweet cries of the Ravens complaining about the officials. Fucking tasty.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 16, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. That Fucking Game Last Night
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That fucking sucked. I seriously considered waiting until tomorrow to do MMFU since I'm exhuasted, but fuck it, let's get it out of the way. Fuck that game. Fuck Peyton Manning. Fuck Reggie Wayne and his impossibly good hands. Fuck the dipshits running the RCA Dome who tried to burn the fucking house down. Fuck the Pats' D for letting up in the 4th quarter and allowing the 79-yard TD drive that apparently put the fear of God into Belichick. And fuck not being able to get 2 fucking yards at the most critical juncture of the game. Fuck.

Bill Belichick is getting skewered all over the place for the decision to go for it on 4th down at the end of the game. Most of it is fair, but let's cut the shit with the people calling it one of the worst decisions in the history of football and/or sports, shall we? Was it a great or even good call? Absolutely not. But a big reason for that judgement is because of the result. If Faulk doesn't juggle the ball and comes up with the first down, the same people ripping BB to shreds this morning are singing his praises. I also have a feeling that Brady had something to do with talking Belichick into going for it, so maybe Tom should be taking some of the heat as well. I don't know.

What I do know is that the Patriots showed me enough to know that if/when they're back in Indy for the playoffs, they have a good enough team to put themselves in position to win. And that's all you can really ask for as a fan.

Fucking Colts.

2. The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons
I'm a big fan of Bill Simmons, to the point where you could even call me a Simmons Apologist at times, but I was so fucking annoyed with this segment in his picks column on Friday that I immediately knew I'd be writing about him this morning. Let's take a look:

"Our first one: I wrote a chunk of this column at a local Starbucks. One seat
over from me, some dude in his 40s was listening to music on his headphones,
playing online Scrabble and occasionally talking loud calls on his cell phone.
How much do you have to hate your own apartment, house, wife or girlfriend that
you say, "I can't stand it here anymore, I'm going to Starbucks to play online
Scrabble?" Last week, someone brought work to the same Starbucks, then proceeded to sing and hum to the songs they were playing despite everyone else glaring at
her. Of course, that didn't top what happened to me nearly two years ago, when some crazy dude grabbed a New York Times from the newspaper rack, brought it into the unisex bathroom, proceeded to drop anchor for the next 15 minutes, then emerged from the bathroom holding the newspaper like Dad coming out of the john on a Saturday morning.

Now, in a perfect world, people would only go to a coffeehouse to eat, drink, write,
read, study or converse. You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house. You can't make loud phone calls and sing along to music. You can't sit in a comfy chair not drinking, not eating and not doing anything other than staring at everyone else. But since people can't seem to get the hang of this, here's my suggestion: Every coffee place should designate one employee (a barista, waitress, pastry chef or whomever) as a de facto bouncer. It becomes their job to jettison loiterers, loud talkers, losers, weirdos and everyone else. Maybe they could even wear different uniforms. We could call them "coolers." This would work. Until then, I will remain peeved."

Ok, so those are a couple annoying situations, and the taking the paper into the shitter thing is pretty brutal, but what pisses me off is the statement, "You can't turn it into your personal office. You can't act like it's your house." Oh really, you fucking asshole? Isn't that EXACTLY what you're doing? Guess what, fuckface, if you don't want to be bothered by people talking in a public place, STAY THE FUCK HOME. How much do YOU have to hate YOUR own house, wife and kids to have to sit in a Starbucks and write a column bitching about other people in Starbucks? Go back to your fucking office man-cave with 4 tvs and everything else that you love bringing up all the fucking time. What a fucking pretentious prick.

3. The Boston Celtics

Hey assholes! Stop fucking losing games on Friday fucking night! Jesus christ is it too much for me to ask to see a win to start my weekend? And if you're gonna be complete dickwads and lose on Friday, at least have the common fucking decency to win your next game! Fucking christ.

4. Brett Favre

You can just feel it in the air, can't you? The second-half collapse is coming any day now. There's only so many times that Adrian Peterson can bail Favre's old ass out (and against the Lions of all teams) before Favre completely fucks the Vikings and their fans right in the face.

5. BoozeRob

You were at a wedding with Jason Bay in attendance and you didn't get any insight on where he might sign this offseason? Fucking A, man! What kind of fucking blogger are you? Fuck being polite! Get in his grill and make him admit he's not coming back to the Red Sox so I can laugh at the fans over here! What a fucking wasted opportunity.