NFL Picks O' The Week: Championship Games!

Holy shitballs it's Sunday morning and I haven't done my NFL post yet! Fuck me! Alright so let's get right to the games...

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over New York Jets
We could easily change this line to SATAN (-1 GAZILLION) over My Soul. I'm still in shock that the two teams I hate the most in the fucking world are squaring off with a Super Bowl appearance on the line. If there were a god, which this game clearly illustrates there is not, the Jets would win this game. The ironing of the Colts laying down and allowing the Jets into the playoffs only to see the Jets come back and beat them would be delicious. De-li-cious. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.

But more importantly, who would I rather see win this game? Well, neither team, obviously, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I think I'd have to say the Colts. If Manning didn't already have a Super Bowl it would be Jets all the way, or if the Colts weren't complete pussies and were actually undefeated right now. But as it sits now, another Manning Super Bowl win doesn't really bother me that much. He'll still have fewer than Brady, and obviously nothing changes with all of his MVPs and stats and all that bullshit. Whatever.

But the Jets? Oh fucking mercy. We all know their fans are complete and utter fucktards as is, but can you imagine what it would be like if they win a Super Bowl? (Yes, I know, Boston fans are obnoxious. Point taken) Not only that, but a New York win would also bring out every piece of shit fuckhead that roots for whatever New York team happens to be winning at the moment. Jesus christ I fucking hate people like that.

Put it this way, the Colts are gonorrhea and the Jets are herpes. At some point, Peyton Manning is going to retire and the Colts will return to sucking. Eventually, they're going away, just like gonorrhea once you get a shot or take whatever you take to get rid of it. But the Jets? They're in the division, they're here for fucking over. Sure, they may not always be a factor, but every once in a while there's an outbreak and it's the worst thing ever. God I fucking hate the Jets. So there you go, I'm taking gonorrhea over herpes and that's that. Fucking shit.

(Note: all STD knowledge obtained from tv commercials and Eddie Murphy's Delirious)

NEW ORLEANS (-4) over Minnesota
This is it, people. It's going to happen. It's got to happen. It BETTER fucking happen! This is the game where Brett Favre is going fuck the Vikings in the ass. I can feel it in my bones. Oh sure, he said on NFL Live or whatever show that he knows that if the Saints get a couple quick scores that he has to remain patient but we all know the truth about that fucktaster. The Gunslinger is still alive and just waiting to rear it's glorious head at just the right moment to crush the dreams of Vikings fans everywhere. And I'm going to love it. Fucking LOVE it.

The Saints have to win this game. They just do. For the love of all that is holy. Please, New Orleans, save us from two weeks of nonstop Favre. Yes, the Hurricane Katrina storyline is overplayed and annoying, but it's nothing compared to Favre. Fucking. Go. Saints.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Divisional Round!

I'm back, baby! After a fucking pathetic showing in my round 1 picks, I'm ready to dole out even MORE shitty analysis! Fuck yeah!

But first: Asshole alert!


God damn mother fucker. The worst part about this incident was that I was running late for work so I didn't have time to run back inside and make my "This is not a fucking parking spot!" sign to put on the windshield. Now this fucker didn't feel my wrath and that pisses me the fuck off. I do enjoy this picture though, simply because Wifey is standing there waiting for me and definitely thinking "Jesus christ this dipshit already took 3 pictures of the car. Who fucking cares it's a minor nuisance. Why the fuck did I marry him and WHY AM I CARRYING HIS CHILD??? FUCK!" Ok so maybe that's not her exact thought process but it's probably pretty close.

On to the games! Home teams in CAPS

Arizona (+7) over NEW ORLEANS
Last night my sister-in-law asked me who I was rooting for to win the Super Bowl now that the Pats are out. My answer: Anyone but the Jets...or Colts...or Chargers...or Ravens...or Vikings...or Cowboys. And just like that, we're down to two teams. Unfortunately the remaining two teams play each other (my neck fucking hurts for some reason, like really fucking hurts) this weekend.

I think New Orleans peaked too soon this year. And that peak was the fuck whipping they put on the Patriots. It's been all downhill from there. Plus there is some freaky shit going on with Warner. I honestly don't understand how Breaston can be open on the deep post every fucking play but it fucking happens! Warner drops back, slings the ball down the middle and Breaston catches the ball on a post pattern every fucking play. Or at least it seems that way. God that's fun to watch. Way fucking better than watching Tom Brady drop back, sit there for 8 seconds and then throw a 2-yard out to Sam Aiken. Fucking shit.

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) over Baltimore
I fucking hate making this pick. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Colts shit the bed in this game after being a bunch of pussies instead of going 16-0. Football Gods, if you're listening, punish these fucking fucks. Please.

Unfortunately, I think the Colts are gonna blow Baltimore away. Fucking Peyton Manning.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Dallas
Waaaaay to many people are riding Jerry Jones' dick right now. This game is going to be a blow out. And if it's not Minnesota crushing Dallas, it's going to be Dallas crushing Minnesota (look NBC! I can analyze games just as well as Theismann! Seriously though, fuck you for putting him the booth again). I have no clue as to what is going to happen in this game. Both teams are up and down and feature occasionally explosive offenses. With money on the line I would pick the Vikings; with my soul, I'd run the fuck away as fast as fucking possible.

SAN DIEGO (-7) over New York Jets
Fuck the Jets. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Fireman Ed. Fuck 'em all!!!!! I fucking hate this team and it fucking destroys me that they are still playing while the Patriots sit at home licking their fucking wounds from the Baltimore game. Fuck!

My hope for this game is a total fucking suckfest for both offenses, because fuck Phil Rivers even harder than Sanchez, and all of a sudden Tiny Darren springs a punt return for a TD in the 4th quarter to cover the spread. That won't happen, but I can dream, right?

Slow cooker update! Today I'm doing a simple beef vegetable soup. It's been slow cooking for about 3 hours and already it smells fucking amazing. We're going to Wifey's aunt's 60th birthday party tonight so the soup was an easy dish that will give us leftovers for days. Tomorrow....fucking lamb shank! Burgundy lamb shanks! I'm so fucking excited to make these lamb shanks it's downright pathetic. These things are gonna be fucking awesome! Woo!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Wild Card Round!

Holy fucking shit, it's fucking playoff time! It's time for the remaining NFL teams to start their journey to name, an actual, legit, undisputed champion. Fuck yeah!

This year's playoffs are going to a bittersweet time for me. You see, at this time next year I'm going to have a 6-7 month old kid wreaking havoc on my life in general and as detailed by Big Daddy Drew and mentioned by The Sports Guy, having a kid or kids around is not conducive to spending all weekend watching playoff football. So this year, I'm watching every fucking game, in it's fucking entirety, no matter what Wifey has to say about it!

Another reason I'm fired up is that I've made a commitment to make a different slow cooker dish for each day of the playoffs. For the past 2 and a half years, I've used the slow cooker a few times a year to make my world famous chili. It's fucking delicious and awesome, no matter what my ass has to say the next day. It's a price well worth paying. But chili is the only thing I've ever cooked in the crock pot, which is kinda fucking stupid. Because pretty much anything you cook in a crock pot is fucking amazing, and even better, it's amazingly easy to cook. You just throw a bunch of shit in the slow cooker and let it fucking slow cook.

Our first dish of the playoffs is Slow Cooker BBQ Beef, which is kind of like a beef version of pulled pork, sort of. I prepared everything last night and then got up at 7 this morning and hucked it all in the pot. In about 9 hours I'm going to be stuffing my face with some awesome bbq beef sandwiches. Fuck. Yes. Tomorrow is going to be beef stew. Simple, yet awesome.

Let's get to the fucking games, shall we?

Home team in CAPS

CINCINNATI (-2.5) over New York Jets
In a wild card round filled with good matchups, this is the one shit bomb. Cincy fucking limped to the playoffs after starting the year so well and the Jets only got in because the Colts are a bunch of fucking piece of shit pussies and because the Bengals didn't give a shit about trying for the 3rd seed on Sunday night.

The focus here is obviously going to be on SanCHEZ (why can't some announcers say his fucking name right? Fucking dickheads, there's no emphasis on the CHEZ!) and how he handles his first ever playoff start. Well, I say he doesn't handle it well. I also think Ochocinco is going to have a fairly good game against Revis. Ocho was embarrassed last weekend and I think we've reached the point where the hype surrounding "Revis Island" is too high and he gets knocked down a peg in the most important game of the season.

And one more thing, I can't believe people actually got worked about Rex Ryan saying he thought his Jets should be the Super Bowl favorites. First of all, it's that fat fuck Rex Ryan, so anything he says should be taken only half-seriously (unless he's being a whiny little bitch, or crying, then you can take him seriously), and second, what the fuck do you expect him to say? It's nice to have a coach show some confidence in his team, even it is a bunch of false bravado from a fat fucking dipshit.

But, having said all that, doesn't it sound like delicious karma for the Jets to just get destroyed here so we can all hope that some reporter has the balls to ask Rexy about being the Super Bowl favorites? Holy fuck that would be the greatest thing ever.

Update! Thanks to Adam Schefter and Twitter we now have this piece of hilariousness:

Adam_Schefter When Rex Ryan showed the Jets their month-long playoff itinerary, it included the Super Bowl parade on Feb. 9. Players loved it

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! If there is a god the Jets will get creamed and someone will bring this up postgame. Please let this happen. I don't ask for much.

Philadelphia (+4) over DALLAS
People, it's your last fucking chance to hit that mother fucking video board! I'm so disappointed by this. After all the preseason controversy I couldn't fucking wait for this thing to be pummeled by punt after punt after punt. Fucking Jerry Jones. They raised the video board for a U2 concert without any fucking problem at all, but they couldn't do it for the NFL? Fuck you, Jerry Jones! And now, it doesn't even fucking matter because not one single punter even came close to nailing it. Fucking lame.

As for the game, (and the other NFC game for that matter) I have absolutely no fucking clue what to expect. I'm just pumped to watch what should be an exciting game of big plays, big fuckups, and big fat fucking coaches. I'm going with Philly only because I think they'll bounce back from last week's stinkbomb, which didn't get skewered by the media nearly enough. I mean, a win gets them the 2nd seed and a first round by and they come out flat and score zero points? Fucking pathetic.

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Baltimore
I'll admit that I'm fucking nervous about this game. Like, really nervous. But I think the Pats do enough to win. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that Randy Moss has a big game here. 10+ catches, 100+ yards and at least one TD. And of course, the refs will fuck Baltimore over cuz that's what they always do, right?

There are other things at stake here as well, the most important being my playoff beard. Well, "beard" may not be the best description of what I've got going on with my facial hair at the moment. It's pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's also hilarious and awesome and I love it. The wife? She does not love it. And that's a fucking understatement. But hey, it's my fucking playoff beard and I'm fucking keeping it until the Pats are out. And that fucking better not be Sunday.

So without further ado, here it is: My playoff beard, started December 31, 2009 at 7am. Now with extra nose hair!


ARIZONA (PK) over Green Bay
I'm sorry, I can't take Green Bay vs. Favre again. I just can't. And I don't think the football gods can either. It can't happen. It won't happen. And that's that.

Then again, like I said before, I have absolutely no fucking clue what's going to happen in the NFC.

It's going to be a fucking rad playoff season, people. Enjoy the fucking ride!