The Mark Show Says...Part 2

Alright, on to Part 2 of The Mark Show Says...

Before we even get started, I absolutely meant to include this clip in yesterday’s post:



HERE COMES THE PAIN! Just fucking outstanding. I’ve watched that clip probably 20 times and it’s made me laugh every time.

3. 5 Weeks
We’re now 5 weeks away from my wife’s due date. Five. Fucking. Weeks. That’s 35 days. That’s just over a month. In other words, that’s fucking SOON!

So because we’re going to be first time parents, Wifey and I have been doing a shitload of research and other things that will probably seem incredibly pointless once the kid arrives and takes over the world. One of these things was attending a childbirth class at the hospital. There were two options for the class, the first being five 2-hour sessions held over the course of 5 weeks and the second being a 9-hour course held on a Saturday. We chose door number 2. Let’s just get it over with, right? Right.

Now, I’m not going to say that the class was completely worthless, but let’s just say it left a LOT to be desired. Only two things made it worthwhile, in my opinion. The first is that we got a tour of the maternity ward (I couldn’t see any signs of blood on the ceiling in the delivery room. Thank god.) so now I know where to go and shit when the time comes. And the second is that I have a better understanding of exactly how fucking interminably long the labor process is going to be. The average labor for first time moms is anywhere from 12 to 24 hours. Jesus fuck that is FOREVER. And the majority of that time is spent walking around, having contractions, and waiting for the cervix to expand to 10 centimeters so that Wifey can finally push the baby out. Not gonna be a good time for either of us, but especially her. Ouch.

Also, they showed us not one, not two, but THREE birth videos. Now here’s where you all grimace because watching a baby come out down there is a liiiiittle bit messy. But here’s the weird thing...it didn’t even phase me. I barely blinked. There are only two possible reasons for this: 1. I’ve seen enough violence and porn in my life that I’m completely desensitized to everything. Or 2. I’m actually mature enough to handle that type of thing. I highly doubt it’s number 2. Highly doubt it.

There was something in the last video that made us laugh, though. When babies are born, they’re covered from head to toe in a soapy white substance called vernix. Here, check out Google Image Search! So this mother is pushing out the baby and only the head is out, and it’s completely covered in this vernix stuff, looking like some sort of alien from a bad sci-fi movie, and the woman looks down and shrieks, “It doesn’t look like a baby!!” I’m telling you, it was absolutely hilarious.

So anyway, 5 weeks to go. I’m fucking pumped. I can’t wait to meet the little person who’s been rolling around Wifey’s belly. Also, I built the crib on Sunday. BOOM!


4. Red Sox Fans Are Fucking Whiny
Hey, baseball season starts on Sunday! Fuck yeah! What’s that? The Indians are going to be fucking awful this year? Well, shitballs.

Anyway, the season opens with the Sox and Yankees from Fenway Park on Sunday night and holy mother of god people in Boston are not happy about it. Every fucking time I turn on sports radio it’s one caller after another crying about how it’s so unfair that the Sox have to open on a Sunday instead of some random weekday. It’s fucking pathetic. Yeah, I get it, Opening Day is fun when it’s in the afternoon and you can skip work and go get drunk but the level of complaining that’s been going on has been absolutely amazing. Shut the fuck up you whiny assholes! At least you get to root for a good team. God I fucking hate Sox fans sometimes.

And that brings me back to the baby...living in Boston, it’s going to be really fucking hard to keep the kid from becoming a Red Sox fan. I’ll try my damnedest but it’s going to be a fucking uphill battle. If we have a girl, it probably won’t bother me that much, but if it’s a boy? Oof, that’s going to be a tough one to swallow if he decides to be a Sox fan. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it would bother me so much and I finally realized that it’s not about the Red Sox; it's because one of the biggest bonds I had with my father was our Indians fandom. Baseball in general was a big part of our relationship. We played catch all the time, he coached my little league teams, we watched the Indians lose two soul-crushing World Series (fucking Jose Mesa), etc. And baseball is a bond I’d really like to have with my own son. And if it's a bond that involves us rooting for different teams, I guess that's ok too. But fucking shit it would really be great if he grows up to be an Indians fan. Man I can't wait to have this kid.

The Mark Show Says...Part One

Holy fucking shit our last post on this site was March 1st??? Booze, Bama and I each deserve about 10 kicks in the balls for that kind of laziness. Christ, none of us could even muster up the energy to do a March Madness post. That's pretty fucking pathetic and embarrassing. So in the interest of actually getting something up here, let's do another edition of The Mark Show Says...

1. March Madness
Holy shit this has been an awesome tournament. The Thursday opening round games set the tone for what has been a great ride so far. I can't remember another tournament that has featured so many close games and upsets. It's been fucking great. Sure, my bracket is completely done but I don't give a shit. All I want from this tournament is entertaining basketball, and so far, this year has fucking delivered.

In my opinion, the greatest thing about March Madness is seeing the 1-seeds get toppled. I had Kansas to win it all in my bracket but that didn't stop me for one second from enjoying the shit out Northern Iowa knocking them out. I mean, the balls on Ali Farokmanesh (I don't give a shit if that's spelled wrong) for taking that 3-pointer at the end of the game...holy shit. Just fucking incredible. Watching Syracuse and Kentucky go down a week later was just as good. Especially since fucking Jim Nantz was rooting for Kentucky SO hard he might as well have had Ashley Judd on his lap. Fucking A, Jim. I know you're a company man and all that but that shit was embarrassing.

2. Duke
Continuing with the March Madness thoughts, let's discuss Duke for a second, shall we? Now, pretty much everyone hates the shit out of Duke because they're always overrated, they always get WAY too much media coverage, fucking Dick Vitale, etc, etc.

Growing up, I LOVED Duke. Bobby Hurley was pretty much my idol from when I was 11-years old until he got in that car crash and couldn't ever play again. Anyway, the point is that I was a huge Duke fan throughout high school and college. But after college, I slowly started shifting in the other direction to the point where now I hate Duke as much as anyone else, and I've never really been able to figure out why. But the other day it finally hit me...

I loved Duke growing up because I could envision myself playing there. I spent a shitload of time in my teenage years shooting hoops in my driveway, imagining that I was sinking the game-winning buzzer beater for Duke. I dropped 30+ on UNC so many times in my driveway it's not even funny. I was a pretty good player in high school. Not good enough that anyone would ever recruit me, but good enough that a lot of people thought I might be able to be a walk-on somewhere. And for me, that somewhere was Duke. Sure, I would have been the guy in warmups going nuts on the bench while Jason Williams and Carlos Boozer carried the team to the title, but I still would have been there.

But then, I got the rejection letter from Duke. And that's where the turn to hating them began, if only a little bit. I still rooted for them throughout college, especially the year they beat Arizona for the National Championship. My other Best Man (I had two, and Booze was one) went to Zona and there's not much in this world that makes me happier than seeing his teams lose. He was so fucking upset. God it was glorious. Plus I was still in college, and even though I was getting fat and lazy there was still the imaginary chance that I could transfer to Duke and be on the team.

Well, those days are gone now. Long fucking gone. I don't hate Duke to the degree that most people do but it does make me happy when they lose. I had my 16 and 18-year old brothers-in-law over on Sunday to watch the Duke-Baylor game and they both said they liked Duke. I'm pretty sure they'll come around to the other side once they're done with college.

One final annoyance...Kyle Singler looks pretty much EXACTLY like I looked in high school. I need to find a picture of me from my high school bball days and scan it so I prove it to you, but I'm serious. He's practically my twin. Fucking asshole. That was MY roster spot!

Ok, Wifey's swim team clinic got canceled thanks to the ridiculous rain we've been having here in Massachusetts so Part Two will have to wait until tomorrow! Come back for impending baby talk, whiny Red Sox fans, and maybe more!

Monday Morning Eff You: March 1, 2010

Hey, hey! Getting this bad boy posted on a Monday for once! Fuck yeah!

1. Canada
Oh you lucky shithead puck freaks. God it would have been fucking awesome if the US team had pulled off the upset last night. The entire country would have been absolutely devastated. But nooooo, Sid the Kid had to go and throw a fucking hail mary at the net and somehow sneak it through the 5-hole. Oh well. It would have been nice to get the gold there but 5 minutes after the game I had moved on. I mean, it's fucking hockey. I enjoyed the shit out of the game and that's good enough. What pisses me off, though, is this whole 4-0n-4 overtime bullshit. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder hockey is a such a JV sport. Can you imagine if the NBA went to 4-on-4 for OT? It's fucking stupid. People complain about shootouts but is way fucking worse. Whatever.

2. The Celtics
Holy shit are you assholes fucking kidding me?? Losing to the Nets? At home??? Wow. I guess it's just about time to stick a fork in this season, huh? Believe me, I'm not going to give up on the team outright but that was pretty demoralizing. I didn't watch the game, but I can only assume that Nate Robinson is a little fucking midget cancer. And don't let BoozeRob tell you differently!

3. Marco Materazzi
I know, I know. Who?? Well, Matterazi is the guy who got famously head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final that Italy eventually won in penalty kicks. Today I was checking the sports headlines and on cnnsi.com the headline was this:

Zidane: I 'rather die' than apologize for actions

My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Wow. Zidane is such a fucking asshole that he doesn't even give a shit that he might have cost his team the World Cup by getting red carded in Extra Time?" So I clicked on the link and found out that headline is quite misleading. Zidane has repeatedly apologized to his teammates and soccer fans and pretty much everyone except for Materazzi. And seriously, why the fuck would he apologize to him? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

But that's not the point here, the point is this:

Materazzi recently told Italy's La Repubblica paper he was still waiting for Zidane to apologize and that he was still so angry over the incident that he won't even watch this year's tournament in South Africa.

Are you fucking kidding me, buddy? You really expect anyone to believe that load of bullshit? Oh yeah, I'm sure you're REALLY upset about trashing Zidane's sick mother, baiting him into head-butting you, getting him kicked out of the game and helping your team win the World fucking Cup. I'm just so sure that it just eats you up inside that he hasn't apologized. Seriously, die in a fire. There's no fucking way that you actually boycott watching the World Cup this year. And if you do? Well then you're just a fucking tool.

4. Jimmy Clausen
Scouts at the NFL Combine have reportedly discovered that Clausen is a cocky piece of shit douchebag. In other news, the rest of the world already fucking knew that. Jesus christ I can't wait to see Clausen plummet on draft day and then fail in the NFL. Brady Quinn 2.o here we come!