Monday Moring Eff You: October 26, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction. Let's get this fucker underway, in no particular order:

1. The BCS Rankings
Now, I have no problem with TCU jumping over Boise State in the rankings. Sure, it pisses me off, but I saw that shit coming. What I can't fucking see is how in the fuck, Iowa could jump to #4 after needing every goddamn second in the game to pull a win out of their asses at Michigan State. How the fuck are they ranked ahead of TCU, nevermind Boise State and Cincinatti. Complete and utter bullshit. And I guess the computers actually COULD hear Pete Carroll crying like a little bitch after last week's rankings since USC somehow jumped up 2 spots as well after beating unranked Oregon State at home. By 6 lousy fucking points. Get fucked, Pete Carroll, you and the BCS rankings can just fuck right off.

2. Mark Shapiro
Surprise! I'm saying Fuck You to Mark Shapiro! I, for one, am not fucking ready for the Manny Acta Era in Cleveland. I am depressed as all hell and the god damn playoffs aren't even over yet. 2010 is going to be a motherfucking abortion of a season for the Indians, and that's saying something, considering these last two years. And of course, with the Yankees finally finishing off the Angels last night (fuck you too, rain delay!) we are now set for the Game 1 matchup of Cliff Lee vs. C.C. Sabathia. Fuck my fucking life.

3. Brett Favre
He'll be here every week. Fucking asshole. But holy sweet jesus was that fun watching him puke the game away yesterday. Adrian Peterson destroys William Gay's shit, heads to the sideline for a breather and to revel in his awesomeness and all of a sudden...FUMMMMBBBBLLLLE! And they're off to the races. That was delicious. The subsequent pick 6 followed by a game ending sack were just icing and the cherry on top. Fuck you right in the ear, Brett Favre.

4. The NFL slate of games
Well, that was one boring, piece of shit Sunday, huh? Blowout city all over the god damn place. Would it kill some of you shitty teams to actually make things interesting for once? It would? Well fuck you then.

5. The asshole old people who live in my apartment building
The majority of the tenants in my apartment complex are senior citizens and some of them are complete dickheads. There are three different cars that refuse to use just one parking space and consistently park diagonally across two spaces. This drives me fucking insane. And it's always GOOD spaces that are getting wasted. Also, in the basement, there is a little area with a bunch of shopping carts near the elevators. This comes in handy because instead of making 52 trips back and forth to the car after a shopping trip we can just load everything into a cart and take the elevator. There's a HUGE fucking sign instructing people to return the carts when they are done with them. But do they? These lazy old fucks? Of course not. And this weekend, after going shopping, there were NO carts and I was fucking enraged. I went storming up the stairs, checking each floor for carts, finally found one on the fifth floor and made as much noise as possible banging the cart around the hall to get it back to the elevator. I hope it ruined some game of Mah Jong or something. Then, after getting my groceries and heading back inside, some crotchety old fuck gave me the evil eye and hissed "You know you need to bring that back after you're done, right?" That fucking prick is lucky I didn't go straight to ramming speed and destroy his brittle hips. What a dick.

Next week I'll actually try to get this up in the morning, fuckers.

Henry Hill Reacts to the Jimmy Rollins Walkoff Hit

Despite my complete and utter indifference to the NLCS, this is pretty brilliant.



Wait, did I say indifference? For two seconds I forgot about Cliff Lee, the 2008 Cy Young winner and former Cleveland Indian. Fuck me. And fuck you, Mark Shapiro.

Oh God No

According to multiple sources, the Cleveland Indians have narrowed their search for a new manager to two candidates, and holy jesus I almost passed out (and not the good kind of passing out) when I heard the names: Bobby Valentine and Manny Acta. We'll get to Valentine in a second, but let's start with Acta. This incompetent piece of shit was fired by the Washington Nationals in fucking July! The Nationals, who finished with the worst record in the league, thought this guy was so bad that they kicked his ass out the door halfway through the season. When a team has an assemblage of talent as shitty as the Nationals, and zero expectation of actually winning anything, it's almost a given that the manager will make it through the entire year. Not Acta. Shitcanned in July. By the worst team in baseball. That is god damn pathetic.

And then we get to this guy:

It speaks volumes that Valentine is clearly the better candidate here. Volumes about the shittiness of Manny Acta. Volumes about how far the Tribe have fallen since the run to the ALCS in 2007. And volumes about how Mark Shapiro is trying to destroy my soul. At the rate this shit is going, Grady Sizmore is going to get traded at the deadline next season and the wife will come home to find me hanging in the closet. God. Fucking. Dammit.

On the other hand, if Valentine ever breaks out the Groucho glasses again, it could be the only highlight of what is sure to be a dismal 2010 Indians season.

Welcome to 'One God-Damn Hit?'

This is 'One God-Damn Hit?' This will be a blog of rants, mostly about sports, but also about life in general. We'll have rants about sports teams, players, fans, owners, and everything else that goes along with following sports. But we'll also include rants about everyday bullshit. All three of us are married so you're sure to get some quality bitching about the wives, although none of the women know about the blog so they'll be none the wiser (tee hee hee).

I, The Mark Show, am a Cleveland Indians fan (Fucking Mark Shapiro! Stop trading Cy Young winners! And Victor Martinez! Fuck!) living in Boston so you're sure as shit gonna get some quality stuff concerning the incredible amount of douchiness emanating from Red Sox Nation. Jesus Christ I hate these people. On the flip side, I started rooting for the Patriots and Celtics when I moved here for college in 1999. I'm sure most of you will call me a bandwagon fan but just remember that I bought a Bledsoe jersey my first year here when the Pats went 9-7 followed by 5-11 in 2000. I would never say I was a long suffering fan but I did root for the team before the Super Bowl run. Same with the Celtics and their shittiness before the title run in 2007-08 and god knows I did an assload of bitching during the tank season of 2006-07. Although that season made it REALLY easy to get tickets. Loge seats for $30, thanks!

Anyway, on to the other creators of this blog: Booze is the most cynical guy I know. This is a man who could bitch about bacon wrapped scallops, and no one in their right mind would ever bitch about those. They're fucking delicious. If you invite me to a wedding, there better be bacon wrapped scallops or you have fucking failed. Wait a sec; I didn’t have them at MY wedding. Fuck! I hate myself. Back to Booze...he's a die hard Seattle sports fan. Now that's depressing. He hates the NBA thanks to the despicable situation with the Sonics, the Mariners are perennially shitty, the closest hockey team is in fucking Canada, and Jesus Christ UW has an awful athletic program, with the exception of women’s softball. Yippee. Booze wants me to point out that the UW hoops team is ranked 7^th this preseason. Excellent. The early round upset in March will make for some excellent ranting.

And now we move on to BamaDawg, another UW grad. He lives in Ala-fucking-bama. Dear god is that a hotbed for rants. He has to deal with this kind of shit from SEC fans every weekend.




And that's just Roll Tide fans. I'd have a fucking field day if I had to live down there with those hick dipshits.

So welcome to One God Damn Hit? By all means let us know if you agree with our rants, think we’re just douchebags, or whatever. Let the ranting begin!