The Mark Show Says...

That's a pretty good representation of me at the moment. Well, except the baldness. And the beer (we'll get to that later). And the yellow skin (I'm practically albino). So ok, just the fatness, underwear and remote are a good representation. Whatever.

Since the three of us obviously suck at getting any posts up here in a timely manner I figured I'd throw up a rambling post talking about random shit, mostly non-sports related. But since this is supposed to be a sports blog, let's start with sports!

1. The Olympics

By far and away this is the least I've watched of any Olympics in my entire life. I'm not exactly sure why, but I really just don't give a fuck. Part of the problem is that NBC is run by a bunch of fucking donkeys and insist on showing tape delayed crap that I already know the results of. Fuck that shit. I mean, yeah, I watched enough of the skiing last night just to see Lindsey Vonn eat shit, but for the most part, if I already know the results, I'm not watching. Another problem is that I'm fucking old and I just can't stay up that late anymore. Last week I got in bed right before the men's figure skating finals. I would have loved to see that Russian fuckhead lose to the American but I seriously couldn't stay awake. Getting old sucks. However, I WILL be watching the hockey game on Friday and the gold medal match (if the US makes it) on Sunday. And really, it's a shame that I haven't been watching more because the United States is fucking raping these Olympics. U-S-A! U-S-A!

2. I'm a fucking idiot

On Tuesday I got home from work and went to unload the dishwasher. I opened the dishwasher up...hey, these dishes are still dirty! I forgot to turn the fucking thing on the night before. I loaded all the dirty dishes, put the detergent packet in, locked the door, and then walked away like a jackass. I do this way more often than I care to admit. It's fucking embarrassing. I quickly started the dishwasher before Wifey got home to hide my idiocy, but then as soon as she got home, I told her. Her response? "Again?" But you see, there's a reason I told her...it keeps expectations low. As long as she thinks she married a barely functional moron who does stupid shit like forget to start the dishwasher, it makes my other, more respectable, qualities stand out even more! Cooked an awesome dinner? I rule! Took the trash out? I'm fucking awesome! Actually started the dishwasher and then unloaded the clean dishes? Best husband ever!

And if you needed more proof of my dumbass-ness, check this shit out...actually, first I need to rant for a few sentences. In my cube at work I have a mini-fridge and a microwave. The mini-fridge isn't really a problem. Yeah, it pisses me off that the raging douchebag in the next cube over occasionally uses it but that really has more to do with the kid being a fucking tool than being annoyed about sharing the fridge. Other people who I like use the fridge and I don't care. But the microwave? Only one other person uses the microwave, and this old dude likes to use it to make microwave popcorn late in the afternoon. This drives me fucking insane. I have no idea where this asshole's desk is, but it's nowhere even close to mine because I know everyone who sits around me. There are microwaves in the cafeteria and all over the fucking place in other cubes but this guy has to come to MY cube and use MY microwave to make his popcorn. And it smells so fucking good it fucking kills me. And I never get to eat any of it, and the smell lingers for fucking ever. Have a little respect for your co-workers, dickhead. You make that popcorn and make the entire room smell like delicious, buttery popcorn and productivity drops like a fucking rock. How can I be expected to work when I'm distracted by that shit? Dickwad.

ANYWAY, back to the whole point of this story. But first, a little background! Yeah, I know, I'm all over the fucking place here but just bear with me. I don't like to eat breakfast at home in the mornings. Just like I'd rather poop on company time, I'd also rather eat breakfast on company time. Because of this, I make scrambled eggs at night, toss them in a tupperware container, then nuke them for a minute at work, spray the shit out of them with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray butter, and enjoy them while I check emails and shit to start my day. Trust me, it tastes a lot better than it sounds.

So yesterday, at the end of the day, I was done with work and was gathering up my shit and getting ready to go home. Except, where the hell is my empty tupperware container? It's supposed to be sitting there on top of my computer bag like it always is! This location is also directly above my trash can so maybe I knocked it in the trash by accident? I look in the trash can: empty. The trash guys already came around and emptied it. Fuck. So I figured I had either put the tupperware where I usually do and then knocked it into the trash at some point, or I had simply thrown the tupperware into the trash like a fucking moron. Honestly, the latter option seemed more likely to me. And that's a little sad. I went home, told Wifey (Expectations? Lowered!), and went on with my life.

And then, this afternoon, that asshole with the microwave popcorn comes in, opens the microwave, and...

"Oh! Can I take this out of here?"
/holds up my eggs
"Um, yeah, I don't know who that belongs to."

Yup, I fucking microwaved my eggs, went to get coffee, and then forgot about the eggs entirely. Seems impossible, considering my fatness at this point, but apparently I'm more stupid than fat. Not the greatest self esteem boost I've ever had. Jesus Christ.

3. Holy shit Baby Mark Show is due in 10 weeks!

That's right, 10 weeks from TODAY Baby Mark Show is due to grace the world with his/her presence. And honestly, I can't fucking wait. I mean, yeah, I CAN wait because the apartment is a disaster right now as we rearrange things in preparation for The Chosen One, but other than that I'm fucking ready. People are asking if I'm scared, and seriously, I'm not. I feel almost the same way as I did before my wedding. Just ready to do the damn thing. Of course, the baby is more than just a whirlwind of a day so I suppose it's a little different, but still, I'm ready.

On Tuesday night we went to a meet and greet with the doctors at the hospital where Wifey is delivering. I was under the impression that it would be a fairly small number of people and we'd actually get to talk to the doctors and all that shit. I was wrong. Holy fucking pregnant women, Batman! There were about 150 people there, so 75 pregos, it was fucking packed. What followed was a Q&A with the 7 doctors in the "Gold" group.

The way this hospital works is that there is a rotation of doctors who are on call, for 24-hour shifts, throughout the week. So we don't exactly know which doctor will be delivering our baby. So this was a chance to at least get a look at the possible delivery doctors and ask them any questions we had. Now, right before going to this session I had the pleasure of reading Drew Magary's Funbag over at Deadspin. Obviously the first question and answer had an effect on me. As we were waiting for the session to start, I showed it to Wifey...

W: Haha, that's pretty funny.
M: I think he's exaggerating a little. Blood won't really get on the ceiling, right?
W (fucking with me, I think): Hey, you never know!
Doctor: Ok, let's get started, who has questions?
M (under my breath): Will there be blood on the ceiling?
W: /smacks me

Seriously though, blood on the ceiling??? Holy fucking shit! Because of the size of the crowd, they weren't able to give us a tour of the labor rooms and maternity ward as advertised, but they said we will get a tour when we come back for our Child Birth and Infant Care class later on. And let me tell you, I'm bringing my black light and CSI goggles and inspecting the SHIT out of the ceilings in the delivery rooms. Jesus.

One final note: When/if you go to one of these Q&A sessions, do NOT repeat questions that have already been asked. It will make everyone in the room, especially me, hate your fucking guts. And if it's a dipshit question like "How do I know when to come to the hospital?" that's even worse. Fucking listen the first time the question is answered!

By the way, the answer to that question is: "After your water breaks, call your doctor and they will tell if you need to come in or if you've got some time to chill out and have contractions for a while." It's not rocket science, people!

4. Lent and church in general

For the second straight year, I've given up alcohol for Lent. Some people think I'm crazy, but it's really not that hard. I mean, I'm old as shit so I don't really go out on the weekends anymore so it's not like that's an issue. Wifey's obviously pregnant, so I've lost my drinking partner for random wine nights where we pound a double barrel of shiraz and play Mario Party on the Wii all night. I'm not allowed (and rightfully so) to drink scotch anymore except for on special occasions so that's not a problem. So really, it's a pretty easy sacrifice. The only problem is the random times where I'm all set to have a beer and then remember at the last second that I'm not drinking during Lent.

For example, last weekend Wifey and I went to Ikea to buy a bunch of shit to start transforming the apartment in preparation for the baby. We bought 600 pounds of bookshelves and other storage units. I just about had a heart attack carrying all of that shit up the stairs to the apartment. But the real problem came on Sunday when I started building everything. I enjoy building shit. It makes me feel like a fucking man and Wifey is amazed that I can put this shit together with such ease. But I like drinking while I build stuff. It's a much better time when multiple beers are involved. Except this time I was stuck soberly watching the Celtics lose to the Nuggets. Bur. The no drinking thing also reared its ugly head yesterday when we took a co-worker out to lunch because it was his last day. Everyone ordered beers and I was about to order my own when I remembered I wasn't supposed to drink. Fuck. So other than these small annoyances, it's really no big deal. Plus it should help me shed some of this weight. It fucking better.

As far as church goes, I'm not an overly religious person but I don't mind going to Mass every Sunday. It's kind of peaceful and relaxing and I have a certain amount of faith. I just don't buy in to all of the bullshit that the Catholic church preaches, but we'll leave that alone. The thing with Mass is that it absolutely HAS to be the 9am service. The 9am service is nice. It's not very crowded, it usually ends in well less than an hour, and it's a nice start to the day. I don't sleep past 8am on the weekends anymore anyway, so we might as well get up and go to church. Plus we head to the in-laws' house right after it and my father-in-law makes us breakfast and we can do our laundry for free. But if we don't go in the morning? The 5pm service hangs over my head like a fucking guillotine. It just looms all day, ready to chop my head off and steal one of the last hours of my weekend. And I don't stop thinking about it all day. It's fucking terrible. 9am Mass? Good. 5pm Mass? Horrific.

5. Shut Up, Dorn!

We're doing away with Dorn of the Week over here. It was annoying waiting until after the weekend to do the Dorn post so instead of nominating Dorns during the week and choosing a winner we're just going to do full posts as warranted. It'll generate more posts in a timely manner and just make things run more smoothly. So starting now, look for more Dorn posts from this site.

Monday Morning Eff You: Another Late Edition!

Alright, it's time for another Tuesday edition of MMFU, thanks to the awesomeness of the three day weekend provided by President's Day! Oh, did you not have Monday off? Fucking sucker.

1. The Olympic Fire Cauldron
Was there any doubt that the Canadians would find a way to fuck up the Opening Ceremonies? I mean, ANY doubt? Of course not. I'm just pissed that I sat through almost the entire telecast and then decided to go to bed before witnessing this absolute debacle. The funniest part about the whole thing is that it was Wayne Gretzky who didn't get to light his part of the flame. I mean, really? Kick Steve Nash or one of those other jerks out if you have to but you can't seriously tell me that it was the Great One who got the shaft here. Fucking priceless.

2. NBC
Forget the commercial-ridden coverage, the fucking moronic tape delay nonsense, the glossing over of the luger's death, the predictable "heart-warming" fluff stories and everything else, what really pissed me off was on Saturday when NBC had a segment pointing out the other mishaps in recent Opening Ceremonies. Look, assholes, they fucked up the MOST important part of the whole show! Lighting the torch is the culmination of the whole night and Canada fucked up. Just make fun of them like everyone else and move the fuck on.

3. The Mark Show
Now, I already said that I wrote my Olympic post before seeing Bill Simmons' repost on ESPN, but that doesn't excuse me from making pretty much every joke that he had already made. EIGHT years ago. I don't claim to be any sort of comedic genius but god damn that was some hackey shit. Made me feel dirty. Not dirty enough to take the post down or anything, but still, dirty all the same. Whatever.

4. Everyone except me who was just driving on Route 128 South
Jesus fuck, assholes. It's just a little snow! It's not even accumulating on the roads and yet you fuckers slow down to 10 miles an hour and clog everything up. Fucking jerks. I'm in a god damn hurry to get home and sit on the couch all night. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!

5. The Slam Dunk Contest
Ok, so I didn't watch it and I haven't seen a single highlight but from everything I've heard and read this was the worst dunk contest of all time. They need to up the stakes and get some marquee names in there or it's only going to get worse as we go forward. 10 years ago (holy SHIT I am old) we had pretty much reached this same abyss where the dunk contests were fucking terrible and then Vince Carter came along and resurrected everything. Well, we're at that point again and the only way this event is going to be saved is if Lebron is in it next year. What the fuck is your problem, Lebron? Get in there and fucking wow us! Asshole.

The Winter Olympics

Note: I wrote this BEFORE being notified that ESPN had linked to Bill Simmons' thumbs up/thumbs down column from 2002. God damn shit.

Nice fucking logo, Vancouver. Can't you Canadian puckheads do anything right?

Anyway, it's time for the Olympics! I enjoy the Olympics for the most part. It's an easy way to work up some good old fashioned patriotism with no real consequences either way. We win? U-S-A! U-S-A! We lose? Who gives a shit, it's the Olympics. That's why I don't understand people who don't like the Olympics and get all worked up about the fact that people are now cheering for sports that they don't give a shit about any other time of year. It's like hating on New Year's Eve, it's just not worth the energy.

Now obviously, some events are better than others, so let's go through a quick rundown of the events with a thumbs up or thumbs down (or thumbs sideways!), shall we? I'm not going to breakdown each event into all of its little sub-events, we'll just stick to the main categories as listed at the Olympics website.

Alpine Skiing - Thumbs Sideways
The downhill skiing events always captivate me for like 10 minutes before I get kinda bored with them. Yeah, there's the possibility of some horrific crash that could live on youtube for eternity but for the most part it's just people flying down the hill as you wait for each split time to see if they're going any faster than the top time so far.

However, it is pretty amazing how skiers almost never miss those gates. They're hauling fucking ass and somehow they manage to know exactly where to go to come within an inch or two of the gates. I can't even fathom that. Every single time I've ever played a Winter Olympics video game I miss like the second gate and get disqualified immediately. Pain in the ass.

Biathlon - Thumbs Down
The only even remotely cool part about these events is the shooting. And if I want to watch someone shoot a rifle it's almost fucking guaranteed that there's some cool ass sniper show on the military channel or one of the thousand other discovery type channels out there now. In fact, I got caught up watching one last night and ended up staying up way too late. It never gets old watching a cardboard cutout's head explode.

Bobsleigh, Luge, and Skeleton - Thumbs Up
Wait, bobSLEIGH? It's fucking bobSLED you stupid website! Jesus christ. The two-man luge provides enough cheap gay joke material as it is, you don't need to throw sleigh in there and make it even worse!

Even though this has the same element of watching the time splits as downhill skiing, for some reason it's a lot more exciting. I have no rational explanation for this but I could watch the push starts for the 4-man bobsled practically all day.

Even more exciting is the skeleton event, although I really don't understand how that became an event. I mean, is there any skill to it? Don't you just launch yourself down the track and pray to Jebus that you don't die? Because that's what I'd be doing.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It's bobsled time! Coooooooooool Runnings!

Cross Country and Nordic Combined - Thumbs Down
Only exciting when there's a sprint to the finish, and only because I've done a fair share of cross country skiing in my life and I don't know how the fuck they can go so fast.

Curling - Thumbs Up
I fucking love curling. Sure, it's one of the stupidest events ever but it's like shuffleboard, and I fucking love playing shuffleboard. It's a goddamn shame that more bars don't have shuffleboard tables. When I get a house and a man cave that's one of the first things I'm getting. Shuffleboard rules.

Figure Skating - Thumbs Up
I almost gave this a sideways because the Men's Figure Skating is awful. Some dude would have to do a sextuple salchow (however the fuck that's spelled) for me to be impressed at all. Women's Figure Skating and the pairs events are good though. You get some sexy little bitches showing off their asses and the possibility of them wiping out, which always happens? Good times. It's just a bummer that Sasha Cohen didn't make the team this year. Bur.


Freestyle Skiing - Thumbs Down
Completely ruined by the X Games. I mean, who gives a shit about doing a couple tricks off of some moguls when two weeks ago we were watching people do triple back flips and shit while flying 100 feet through the air. BO-RING!

Ice Hockey - Thumbs Sideways
In theory, this should be awesome. The best NHL players representing their countries going head to head. In reality, this whole thing gets fucked because the Olympics takes place in the middle of the NHL season and these guys just aren't as intense as they should be because they know they still have to play another 5 months of hockey, for money, once this is over. The Gold Medal game is usually pretty good though.

Don't even get me started on Women's Hockey. Sorry ladies, but it fucking sucks.

Short Track and Speed Skating - Thumbs Up
Always some good wipeout potential here, especially in the short track events. And in the long distance events I always pray for a collision when the skaters have to switch lanes, but that never happens, dammit.

However, there is potential for thumbs down here, I'll explain...Wifey and I started dating right around the time of the 2006 Winter Olympics and the height of the Apolo Anton Ohno bullshit. Shortly after that he was on Dancing with the Stars. So we're killing time before 24 and I flip to DWTS for a sec and she casually throws out something along the lines of, "Did you know I've met Apolo Anton Ohno?" Apparently she met him in college at some point. She says he's about 5'2" and a "fucking tool." He fucking better be woman, because if that stupid fucking soul patch was anywhere near your mouth it's over! Well, not really, we are having a kid in less than three months. Gah!

Ski Jumping - Thumbs Up
Come on. Crash. Crash damn you! Ah, dammit! And repeat over and over again. Good times. This is another video game Olympics event that completely flummoxed me as a child.

Snowboarding - Thumbs Down
Like freestyle skiing, completely ruined by the X Games. And honestly, I love padding out medal count, but seriously, I can't believe that the IOC agreed to add snowboarding to the Olympics. Just book the United States for gold and let's move on.

And there you have it, hopefully the Opening Ceremony has some cool shit tonight and the United States kicks a bunch of ass for the next 12 days or however long this shit lasts. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! I think I'll go watch Miracle now.

Monday Morning Eff You: The Late Edition!

Well, I'm still at home, in bed, thanks to my fucking piece of shit lower back, but now I've got the computer in bed with me and I'm not hopped up on painkillers so I can do this thing.

1. Peyton Manning
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, seriously, could there have been a more perfect way for the Colts to blow that game? No fucking way. That pick six was fucking glorious. Almost orgasmic. Tracy Porter is the fucking balls. He picked off Brett Favre two weeks ago and now he clinches the Super Bowl by taking a Manning pass to the house. Fucking. Awesome.

I also enjoyed Manning's half-assed effort to make a tackle. What a fucking twat. And GINORMOUS fuck you to anyway trying to claim that a flag should have been thrown for a block in the back on Manning. Seriously, fuck off. He wasn't making any attempt to tackle him, and he wasn't even facing the right fucking direction! Do we really have nothing left to do these days than nitpick little shit like that? Just fucking enjoy the play!

2. Tony Dungy
Did you see Dungy pop off last week before the game? You didn't? Oh well let me inform you...

"I think they're going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, 'Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship,' " Dungy said of Manning on Thursday. "He's going to have those rings Sunday night. I don't think it's going to be close. Minnesota is playing in New Orleans, they turn the ball over five times, have two or three stupid penalties and still lose in overtime, I don't see how it's going to be close. The Colts aren't going to turn it over seven times."

Well Tony, you were right about one thing, the Colts didn't turn it over seven times. All it took was one ho-hum interception returned for a TD. And I won't even get started on his cheap shots at Brady and Belichick.

But seriously, can everyone stop acting like Tony Dungy is such a fucking saint? (Ha, saint, Saints. Take that you fucker!) I actually kind of like that Dungy seems to have lost his mind with this interview. Makes him seem like an actual human being instead of the humanity robot that everyone makes him out to be. Look, people of the media, Tony Dungy is just as much of an asshole as every other coach in the NFL. Sure, he puts up a nice facade and speaks softly and hypnotizes you and all that bullshit but deep down he's an asshole like everyone else. Everyone talks about Dungy's faith and that he's almost like a preacher and shit but I really don't buy it. I hate to go down this road, and I mean no disrespect to the deceased, but his son fucking killed himself. Everyone talks about Dungy's influence on Mike Vick and everyone else but conveniently forgets about the fact that his own child took his own life. It's tragically sad and it's not that I want it brought up on national TV or anything, but it shouldn't just be forgotten that the saint and father figure of the NFL didn't even take care of his own son.

Now I feel dirty, let's move on.

3. Everyone who hyped up the Tim Tebow "anti-abortion" ad
Seriously? That was it? I was all fucking fired up to be outraged and then they hit us with this bullshit? Fuck that.



What a piece of shit commercial. Speaking of commercials....

4. Anyone at the party discussing the commercials for more than 2 seconds
Courtesy of D. Chuck:

A big hearty fuck you to people who spend more than one second talking about Super Bowl commercials. Jesus living fuck people, they're fucking commercials. Digest them for the 30 seconds that they're on, laugh if they're funny, consider buying the product if you find said product intriguing, or tell everyone in the room that the commercial sucked, and then move on. But you know who's even worse than the people who limit their fucking idiocy to merely talking about the goddamn commercials? People who insist on writing a wrap-up newspaper or internet column rating the fucking commercials during the Super Bowl. My fucking rageahol is off the damn charts with these fucking idiots. We don't need a column ranking the top 5 and bottom 5 commercials. We don't need a column with a fucking grading system for the commercials. We don't need any sort of hackneyed, lazy "thumbs up/down" bullshit. People - and I cannot stress this enough - there's a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME GOING ON. Enough with the goddamn hoopla about the commercials! Fuck!

Rageahol. I like that. But he's right, the commercials are a fucking afterthought. I blame the late '80s and entire '90s for all this commotion about the commercials. A lot of people have brought this up recently, but for a long time, the Super Bowl fucking sucked. With the exception of Joe Montana driving the length of the field against the Bengals (isn't it bizarre to think fo the Bengals being in a Super Bowl?) and the Scott Norwood Wide Right game, every Super Bowl was a fucking blow out. Thus, the commercials became essential to the appeal of the broadcast. And before we knew it, that shit got out of control. Now that we actually have good games the commercials don't matter as much, but that doesn't stop the pseudo-fans (men and women) from ignoring the game to yap about the commercials. Shut the fuck up, dipshits.

5. My back
Seriously, fuck you, Back. Just because I'm overweight and out of shape that doesn't give you the right to just quit on me. Fucking asshole. By the way, those muscle relaxants I got? Fucking amazing. I slept like a god damn baby last night. The only downside is the wicked cotton mouth. How much water do I have to drink to make that shit go away? Fuck!

MMFU: Postponed!

Yesterday at around 10:30am I started making my world famous chili. Part of this involves chopping up an onion. So, chop, chop, chop, whoops, a little bit fell on the floor, let me pick it up.

/bends over to pick it up
/almost passes out from searing back pain

Holy fucking shit! My entire left side, starting from my mid to lower back, all the way down my left leg just screamed in fucking pain. I seriously almost fell down it hurt so bad. I stood back up and the pain continued. Take a step, pain. Stand there, pain. Sit down, pain. Try to bend over, not a fucking chance in hell. Wifey asked if I wanted her to finish getting the chili ready. I told her to get the fuck away from my chili, finished everything, turned the slow cooker on, then collapsed on the couch like a little bitch, where I pretty much stayed the entire rest of the day because doing anything other than lying prone fucking killed me.

This morning it wasn't much better so I dragged my ass to the doctor where they told me I have a strained lumbar. Great. Whatever, at least they gave me painkillers, which I'm about to gobble and then pass out in bed.

So since just sitting here typing right now makes it feel like a railroad spike is being driven into my left asscheek you're going to have to wait until tomorrow to hear my joyous ranting about Peyton's demise, Tony Dungy, the Tebow ad, and a special guest rant from D. Chuck. See you tomorrow, folks. I'm off to spend the rest of my day in a codeine-fueled haze.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Super Bowl!

It's Super Bowl time, my little bitches! And for the first time in 3 years, I'm actually going to get to watch the entire game at home, on my couch, the way it's fucking supposed to be.

Two years ago I was about 5 months into a new job and the week before the Super Bowl the bosses decided to send me on travel. Just for a week, fine, I'll be back on Saturday. The week was going by just fine, until Thursday, when I got The Call.

"Hey, we're gonna need you to stay out there next week, too."

Um, ok, can I fly home for the weekend? No. But it's the Super Bowl! The Pats are going for 19-0! Sorry, Mark, you're officially fucked. I tried to make the best of it. I bought a case of beer and bottle of champagne to drink during and after the game. I had packed my jersey juuuuuust in case this exact fucked scenario actually played out. My hotel room actually had an HDTV in it. I suppose it could have been worse.

And then, the fucking game happened. Ugh. Let's just move on.

Last year a friend of Wifey's was having a Super Bowl party, and since that friend's grandma or someone had just died and Wifey hadn't had a chance to see her yet, we had to go. Fine. We got there and the first thing I noticed was that someone had made chili that was clearly inferior to the chili I had cooking at home. Step up your fucking chili game, people. I'm the fucking Pope of Chili Town and this was some weak ass excuse for chili.

Since the game hadn't started yet and I had zero interest in talking to anyone at this party, I went to pet the dog. The dog, a boxer, was in the other room locked in its crate. And this is something I will fucking never understand about some people; why the fuck do people lock their dogs in the crate when they have company over? It drives me fucking crazy. I am never going to do that when I get a dog. Not a dog person? Then get the fuck out of my house! Oh did the dog knock something over and spill shit? Well the kids and drunk people are gonna do that anyway so what's the difference?

Anyway, so I go and sit next to the crate and pet the dog through the prison bars for a second and then I was like fuck it, and I opened the door to the crate, positioning myself so that I was pretty much blocking any escape. The dog sat there happily for like a minute while I petted it, but then I let my guard down and glanced into the other room to see where Wifey was. BOOM! That animal came busting out like a bat out of hell, knocking me on my back and charging into the party to fucking wreak havoc. Just started sprinting around, jumping on people, all that shit. It was great. Eventually the owners got the dog back in the crate and I fake apologized. We stayed for the first quarter and then headed home. I turned on the tv just in time to see James Harrison's interception return. And since the game sucked donkey dick in the 3rd quarter, I was actually in bed watching the non-HDTV when all of the awesomeness happened. Oh well.

But this year! This year I'm not going fucking anywhere. I'm gonna make my kick ass chili, drink some beer, and park my ass on the couch for the entire game. Wifey is talking about having some friends over and that's fine. Do whatever you want, lady. I'm eating my chili and watching football and that's all I give a shit about.

On to the game!

Indianapolis (-5) over New Orleans

God I would love to take the Saints. I'm fucking praying that they pull off the upset. But really, I just don't think it's going to happen. Peyton Manning is just too good. He's been playing out of his mind all season and he just seems to have a robotic, Terminator-like focus right now. I had a friend over to watch the AFC championship and with the Jets leading 17-6 just before the half I said to him, "It pisses me off that we're like 3 plays away from it being 17-13." Well, it took 4 plays, but that's the amazing thing about Manning; it's practically expected that he's going to make a couple deep throws and bury the dagger of a TD into your chest on every drive. It's fucking annoying.

I also don't think that Dwight Freeney's absence is going to mean shit. I just get the feeling that after the game, Berman and all the other talking dipshits are gonna be saying shit like, "And you never would have even noticed that Dwight Freeney didn't play!" I have no explanation for this other than I know we'll be hearing something like that after the game. So there.

Our only hope here is the Football Gods. Do they remember the Colts tanking like a bunch of pussies in Weeks 16 and 17? Do they realize what an enormous piece of whiny shit Bill Polian is? Do they know that the pussification of the game, penalizing the defense for everything, started with the Colts? Do they see the jackassery of Bill Polian claiming his team doesn't care about records or milestones but then making every effort to get Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark 100 catches for the season in Week 17? Of course not. The Football Gods don't exist. If they did, the Jets would have beaten the Colts 2 weeks ago after the Colts let them into the playoffs.

Colts 38, Saints 27 with Manning as MVP. Maybe he'll actually deserve it this time.