NFL Picks O' The Week: Jets-Pats Week

Alright, before we even get started I need to address Tom Brady's comments from earlier in the week. Brady said that the Jets crowd was more hostile and then said that he saw people leaving on Sunday when the Pats were up by 21 in the middle of the 4th quarter. He also said that he didn't think Jets fans would be leaving early.

This ignited a fucking firestorm on the sports talk radio scene around here about Gillette being one of the quietest, if not the quietest, stadiums in the NFL. And that's true. There's no getting around it. The Pats have jack shit for home field advantage as far as crowd noise goes. Now, a part of me says "so what?" because their record home is awesome so are really blaming those few losses at home on the crowd? But the majority of me knows that it sucks that the crowd at Pats games really isn't up to creating a real advantage with a noise level that will distract the other team.

But the real question is, should Brady really be upset that fans were leaving once the team went up by THREE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS halfway through the 4th quarter. And to that, I say shut your fucking mouth, Tom, and cut your fucking hair. Who is he to say when people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets should leave the game? It's not like people were trying to beat traffic during a close game, like, um, the fucking JETS FANS who were leaving early even though it was a 10-9 game? Does Brady really need his ego stroked so much that he needs everyone to stay until the final whistle? What about the Tennessee game last year when Brian Hoyer came in because the Pats were up 50,000-0? Do the fans have to stay then? If Brady can leave early, why can't the fans who pay Brady's salary?

For the record, I was there on Sunday and my group didn't leave until about 3 minutes left in the game, after the Bengals had "cut it" it to 38-24.

Also for the record, I love Tom Brady and would have his babies, but if he wants to call out the crowd for not making enough noise, just say so. Don't beat around the bush.

And finally, a friend of mine who is a Bills fan (poor guy) had this theory last night while we were waiting for The Town (it was awesome) to start: Belichick and Brady are so smart that they decided that Brady would make these comments to take the media fire away from the Randy Moss press conference following Sunday's win.

Brilliant. I have no idea if that's the case, but the fact is that Brady's comments did knock Moss out of the media spotlight. And that's fantastic. I'm not worried about Moss AT ALL, but having to listen to a jackass like Felger spout his bullshit about how Moss is a cancer all week would have been fucking awful.

Ok, let's get to some fucking picks!

Home team in CAPS using ESPN lines...

ATLANTA (-6.5) over Arizona

I'm not really confident in Atlanta in general but at home, against fucking Derek Anderson, they should get a pretty solid win. After all, they actually do have a home field advantage.

CINCINNATI (+1.5) over Baltimore

Coming off a short week, the Ravens actually face a passing game that can expose their shitty secondary. Playing a Monday night road game followed by a division road game is never easy. I think the Ravens are solid but I also think Cincy is going to rebound from that pathetic display they put on at The Razor last Sunday.

Kansas City (+1.5) over CLEVELAND

how the fuck are the Browns favored in this game? I mean, yeah the win on Monday night was kinda fluky for the Chiefs but still, jesus.

Chicago (+8.5) over DALLAS

Anything less than 7 points and I would've taken Dallas here but jesus did you see that pathetic performance against Washington? Wow. Meanwhile, Chicago would have lost to Detroit if it weren't for Calvin Johnson being a dipshit. Yes, I think it was a catch. Yes, I think the rule is jacked up. But HE knows the rule, and it wouldn't have been very hard for him to just tuck the ball into his chest and leave absolutely no doubt. So it's Megatron's fault, and that's that.

Philadelphia (-3.5) over DETROIT

Mike Vick!! I actually don't care who is QB for the Eagles, they should stomp Detroit. Especially with Stafford out. Shaun Hill? Meh. I'm actually hoping Vick kicks ass so that we have a nice QB controversy once Kolb is un-concussed. That shit's always fun.

GREEN BAY (-13.5) over Buffalo

The Bills fan I mentioned earlier took the Bills for 16 confidence points in our picks league last week. "Yeah, it was a shot in the dark. Week 1 at home. Fuck. I won't be doing that again." Also, suicide alert!

Pittsburgh (+5.5) at TENNESSEE

I like the Titans to win this game but that line seems kinda high.

Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA

Again, I like Minnesota to win this game at home but jesus did you see Brett Favre on Thursday? That did not look like a guy who really wants to play this year. How funny would it be if he quit after a few games and then watched Tarvaris Jackson lead the Vikes to the playoffs?

CAROLINA (-2.5) over Tampa Bay

God what an awful game.

DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle

Typical Pete Carroll. Gets the first win and gets everyone's hopes up and then boom, everything comes crashing down. I bet Tebow gets into the endzone in this one.

St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND

I'm picking St. Louis until they win. Seriously. Well, at least this week anyway.

New England (-1.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Fuck the Jets. I'm nervous as shit about this game. The Jets are as desperate a team as you'll ever find in week 2 of the season and that's not a good thing for the Pats. What is a good thing, though, is that Mark Sanchez sucks fucking donkey balls. And besides Revis, so does the Jets secondary. Now, this was a problem last year when Welker was hurt for one game and the Pats had no other receiving threats. It's a different story this year, though, and with Welker, Tate, Hernandez, GRONK, and Edelman, Brady has enough targets to carve up the Jets defense. Also, New York's strength on offense last year, the running game, is weaker, thanks to letting Thomas Jones go and bringing in that whiny douchebag pussy LDT. Yeah, he looked decent in week 1 but that's typical of a veteran going to a new team looking to show some burst. He'll fade this week and even more as the season goes on. Fuck the Jets.

Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO

This is a stupid pick. I fully expect it to lose.

Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON

Tough one here. Texans probably overachieved against the Colts, meanwhile the Redskins stumbled their way assbackwards into a win thanks to some really dipshit moves by the Cowboys.

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over New York Giants

I don't believe it will happen but....can Indy please go 0-2? PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2!

New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

1. I can't believe this line isn't higher.
2. Didn't take long for Simmons to abandon his 13-3 prediction for San Fran, huh? Simbiotics my fucking ass.

By the way, I wrote this entire thing while playing with Baby Mark Show so if there are spelling/grammar/whatever errors, deal with it. And let me know and I'll fix them. And as I was typing I'm pretty sure he just unleashed a shit bomb into his diaper. Great.

LET'S GO PATS! FUCK THE JETS!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 1!

Well that was a fun little game last night, huh? Well, ok, it was sloppy as shit but who fucking cares. Football is back!

Home team in caps, using lines from ESPN

Miami (-3.5) over BUFFALO

I'd like this one better if I weren't giving up that half point but fuck it, Buffalo sucks. I'm actually surprised Miami isn't favored by more in this game. It's not like Buffalo has much of a homefield advantage anyway, but this early in the year when the weather is still warm, they don't have shit.

CHICAGO (-6.5) over Detroit

I would love to take Detroit in this game. They're going to be tougher this year than they have in years past. However, as much as I think the Cutler-Martz combo is going to crash and burn over the course of the year, I also think they're going to get off to a hot start, if only to tease Bears fans. Also, it's early in the season so Julius Peppers is probably going to be playing hard and will harass Stafford all day.

Oakland (+6.5) over TENNESSEE

Tennessee wins the game but Oakland keeps it pretty close. Vince Young can't throw the ball for shit anyway and Nnamdi is only going to make things more difficult for him. I just hope Chris Johnson doesn't go completely insane in this one. He's terrifying to face in fantasy, and you can guess who I'm going against this week. Also, I guess the fact that they're playing this game means they dried out the Titans' field after that ridiculous flooding. That was nuts.

NEW ENGLAND (-5.5) over Cincinnati

Tom Brady is happy with his new contract and a happy Tom Brady makes me happy. In the pants. Also, Randy Moss is pissed off and ready to prove to everyone that he's still capable of earning one more big contract. He's going to have a monster year. And guess who's going to be in attendance at Gillette on Sunday? The Mark Show! Fuck yeah! Bottom line here is that the Pats aren't going to lose a home opener AND they've never lost a game when I've been there. How's THAT for a jinx? Fuck.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Carolina

That line seems awfully high for a Giants team that got blown out 400 to nothing in their final game last year. So of course I'm taking them. I'm a fucking idiot.

PITTSBURGH (+2.5) over Atlanta

Is Dennis Dixon really that awful that the Steelers are getting points at home? I say no. They'll pick up the win here on their way to 2-2 before The Rapist returns.

Cleveland (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY

Other than quarterback Josh Freeman I can't name one player on the Bucs off the top of my head. That's not a good sign. Actually, other than Delhomme I don't think I can name anyone on the Browns either. Jesus. Either I'm slipping in my old age (30!) or these teams really really blow. Maybe it's both. Getting old sucks. Also, I got kicked out of the bed last night because I rolled over on to Baby Mark Show. Oops.

Denver (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE

I swear to god I heard on talk radio the other day that Maurice Jones-Drew is hurt. Is that true? I'm far too lazy to look it up. Well, if it is true, the Jags are truly fucked. Even against the Broncos. This game is annoying because no matter what happens, Peter King is going blather on and on about what Tim Tebow did or didn't do in MMQB.

Indianapolis (-3.5) at HOUSTON

No god damn way I'm taking the Texans over the Colts until they actually beat them once. Until then I'm taking the Colts and not thinking twice about it. Although if the Colts lose right away it would spare us from having to listen to debates about whether or not they should try for an undefeated season when they're 14-0. Fucking pussies.

San Francisco (-2.5) at SEATTLE

Bill Simmons picked the Niners to go 13-3. He's batshit crazy. And fucking annoying. Did you read that piece of shit Simbotics column yesterday? "Here's my system. It's foolproof and works every time. Unless it doesn't. Then you fucked up somehow. But it wasn't the system!" Jackass.

Green Bay (-1.5) over PHILADELPHIA

The Kevin Kolb Era begins. My guess is we get halfway through the 2nd quarter before the boos fill the stadium. The Packers are going to jump all over them. I'm picking too many road teams, though.

ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Arizona

There, that's better. Wait, no it's not. I just picked the fucking Rams! I don't care, though. For whatever reason, I like rookie quarterbacks in the first game of the season. Just seems like they always come out hot and get everyone excited before the season wears on and teams actually have game film to scout. I have no statistical evidence to back this up. I just know I picked Sanchez and the Jets in their first game last year (on the road!) and they came through, so it has to be true! Unless it isn't.

Dallas (-3.5) at WASHINGTON

Donovan McNabb plays poorly and Redskins fans freak the fuck out. You gotta love Skins fans. They seriously think their team is one of the elite franchises in the NFL, even though that hasn't been true since 1991.

Baltimore (+3.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Another fan base that is going to be freaking the fuck out all week. That's gonna be fun. And look, I loved Hard Knocks just as much as anyone else, but the end, with Revis coming back? Made me want to fucking puke. This asshole, with three years left on his contract, held out for the entire preseason before finally getting his deal done. Hey, fine, he was underpaid. But the Jets, and Hard Knocks, welcomed him back like he was a fucking war hero, or someone coming back from a devastating injury. It was pretty pathetic. You can keep your goose bump music and slow clap, thank you very much.

San Diego (-5.5) over KANSAS CITY

The stupid 2nd Monday Night Football game to open the year. I really don't get why they do this. The ratings are always fucking terrible, they throw a shitty announcing squad at the game, and the teams generally blow. I guess it's a little better this year, but still. Fucking stupid.

Have an awesome Sunday, everyone.

OGDH NFL Preview: The AFC

Oh praise motherfucking Jebus the season is here! Let's jump right in to the AFC preview.

AFC West

God, why do the West divisions in both conferences suck so much? San Diego should win this division but it's not going to be the runaway it was last year. They're missing a few key players due to holdouts and injuries, especially Vincent Jackson, who is Philip Rivers' best receiver by far. First he's sitting out a nice little 3-game suspension for something that I don't feel like looking up, and after that he's planning on holding out over a contract dispute. He's also on my fantasy roster so I'm a little torn on this one. One one hand, quit being a jackass and catch some touchdowns for my fantasy team, jerk! On the other hand, anything that hurts one of the conference's better teams is fucking fine by me. Although my hate for the Chargers has dropped immensely since they cut that piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fuck him.

The Broncos are interesting because Josh McDaniels is all over the place with his personnel moves, trading Cutler and Marshall, drafting Tebow, signing Brady freaking Quinn. While I don't think Tebow will see much time at quarterback this year other than goal line situations, I do think he's going to be a solid NFL player. Booze disagrees. We have a bottle of scotch riding on it. I just can't remember what the timeline for the bet is. Help me out, Booze.

Oakland and Kansas City should both be better than they have in previous years but I still don't think they're going to do anything significant. I mean, it's the Raiders and Chiefs for god's sake. And don't let Bill Simmons tell you any different when he picks his sleeper team for this season. He's full of shit.

The Mark Show's picks: San Diego, Denver, KC, Oakland

Bamadawg's picks: San Diego, Denver, Oakland, KC

BoozeRob's picks: San Diego, Oakland, Denver, KC

AFC North

Alright, we've got the rapists, the (alleged) murderers, a whole slew of criminals.....and the Browns. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.

The Ravens are this year's popular pick to go to the Super Bowl from the AFC. I'm not so sure. I'd like to see Joe Flacco perform in a big game before I pencil them in as AFC champs. And let's not forget that their secondary might be the worst of any contender besides the Pats, and even that's assuming that Ed Reed comes back in week 7 after sitting out on the PUP list for the first 6 games. Still, I think they win the division, especially with the huge upgrade at receiver with Boldin and Housh.

I think the Steelers will be fine. They're gonna go 2-2 while Rapelisberger sits out his suspension and then get things working once he returns. They're annoying like that. They are going to miss Santonio Holmes, though.

Cincinnati is going to fall back to the pack after that random division title last year. I still can't believe they swept both the Steelers and the Ravens. No fucking way that happens again.

The Mark Show's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincinnati, Cleveland

Bamadawg's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincy, Mark's team he abandoned for the Pats

BoozeRob's picks: Baltimore, *Cincy*, The Fightin' Dennis Dixons, Holmgren's Homos

AFC South

Oh did I post that yesterday? My bad. I must have forgotten.

Anyway, as much as I'd love for Indy to suffer from the Super Bowl loser curse thing and miss the playoffs, there's just no way it's happening. While Manning may choke his fat face off in the playoffs, he's still going to lead the Colts to like 12 wins and another division title. Whoopie.

Tennessee MIGHT be able to give the Colts a little pressure this year. Remember they went 8-2 once they finally benched Kerry Collins' drunk ass. I don't think Chris Johnson will have the insane season he did last year but that guy is still an animal and Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league so I expect Tennessee to at least make this division sort of interesting.

Houston will finish 8-8 again, miss the playoffs again, and at this time next year everyone will be talking about how this is the year the Texans finally get over the hump, again. Lather, rinse, repeat, everybody.

Who is the other team in this division?........................Oh, Jacksonville! (Seriously that took me 5 minutes to think of because I didn't want to cave and look it up) Anyway, let's just say that when people are talking about drafting Tim Tebow so that your team can sell tickets....it's probably not a good sign for your upcoming season. Or your franchise in general.

The Mark Show's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

Bamadawg's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

BoozeRob's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

AFC East

Ok so Buffalo sucks. They might win 2 games. Might. Let's just move on to the 3-horse race in this division.

Miami, the bane of my weekly picks existence, made a significant offseason acquisition in getting Brandon Marshall. I'm still not sure what made him lose his mind during training camp last year but once the season started he still put up big numbers, just like he has every year of his career. And now, playing for a new team, looking to make a good impression, look out. Except that he has Chad Henne throwing him the ball for a team that is still its best when the ball is Ronnie Brown's hands. Brown and Ricky Williams should again lead a solid rushing attack, and wildcat, that, combined with a solid defense, will make the Dolphins a tough team to beat.

Once the Jets get Santonio Holmes back from his suspension they'll finally have someone who actually catches the ball lined up opposite of Braylon "Hands" Edwards. Well, he'll catch the ball if Sanchez can put it in his general vicinity anyway. Sanchez has looked like absolute DOGSHIT in preseason and all throughout Hard Knocks, which was a fucking outstanding show this year. It would make things a lot easier if Rex Ryan weren't so likable. Fucking fatass blowhard. Luckily, they're still the Jets, so they're easily hateable, AND they brought in piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fucking guy. I still can't believe the first thing he did when he signed with the Jets was to get a tattoo of the Jets logo on his calf. Tell me that's not a douchebag thing to do? Seriously, try to come up with any explanation for that without calling Tomlinson a douchebag. It's fucking unpossible. Fucking Ladanian Tomlinson. And fuck Revis for caving. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE MONEY!

And now, the Patriots.

The Good: Brady's knee is finally fully healthy, as are his ribs and finger that was bothering him at the end of the season last year. Wes Welker is somehow ready for opening day, indicating that he's some sort of bionic freak. Rob Gronkowski (GRONK), Aaron Hernandez and Brandon Tate provide three new weapons for Brady to throw to. It looks like Belichick has finally had enough of Maroney tap-dancing into the line of scrimmage. They still have Brady and Belichick. Brady is so fired up for the season that he's fucking ramming vans with his Audi at 6:30 in the morning before practice.

The Bad: They lost Ty Warren for the season (Fuck!), the secondary, the defense in general.

This team is going to have to score a fuckload of points, especially early in the season, to win games. The young defense should get better as the year goes along and hopefully hit its stride going into the playoffs.

Basically this division comes down to whether or not you buy the hype on the Jets. I don't. They're 8-8 waiting to happen, even with Revis, who had the best season possibly ever for a CB. He'll still be very good, obviously, but he won't be AS good. And that makes a difference. Until someone besides the Pats wins the division while Brady is the QB, I'm taking the Pats.

The Mark Show's picks: Pats, *Dolphins*, Jets, Bills

Bamadawg's picks: Jets, *Pats*, Dolphins, Bills

BoozeRob's picks: Jets, *Fuck off, Mark!*, Dolphins, Bills

And now for tonight's quick pick!

(Using the line from ESPN's pigskin pick 'em)

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Minnesota

The Super Bowl champ has won the last 10 opening night games. I'm excited to see if the Saints go after Favre as viciously as they did in the NFC championship game and if the Vikings retaliate at all. It's gonna be fun as shit to watch. Also, this is my suicide pick for the week. I'm not sure I've ever seen an opening slate of games with no clear suicide pick. Fucking brutal. Last year I lasted all 17 weeks. Let's hope I make it past week 1 this year.

FOOTBALL, BABY!

OGDH NFL Preview: The NFC

Heeeeeeyoooooooo! We're one god damn day away from the start of the NFL season and you know what that means? It's time to fire up this fucking blog again! Jesus it's been a long, soul-sucking summer in the sports world. I completely checked out of this baseball season, even becoming an awful dead owner in my final fantasy baseball season ever. Some asshole named Carlos Gonzalez is making a serious run at the Triple Crown in the NL and I seriously had never even heard his name until this morning when someone tweeted about. Pretty pathetic on my part but whatever, I don't give a shit, it's football season! Maybe Booze will even get off his ass and write about college football again.

But until then, let's take a quick look at the upcoming NFL season, starting with the NFC today, AFC tomorrow, and a full slate of picks on Friday. Fuck yeah!

Disclaimer: This will probably be the worst, least in-depth preview you'll ever read.

NFC West

Woof, let's just get this suckfest out the way, shall we? Let's see here, Kurt Warner retired and Matt Leinart was so freaking horrible in training camp and the preseason that he got freaking CUT in favor of Derek Andersen. Derek Andersen, who couldn't keep the starting job in CLEVELAND. Ouch. This is a team that, according to Peter King, is excited about having QB Max Hall as their backup. Max Hall? Yeah he didn't even get drafted. Jesus that's a rough quarterback situation for a team to be in.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, the team is so worried about Matt Hasselbeck's back that they went out and traded a 2nd-round pick to San Diego for Charlie Whitehurst, who has never taken a regular season snap thrown a regular season pass in the NFL. They also hired Pete Carroll as he was cowardly fleeing USC's sinking ship, let TJ Houshmanzadeh go for some reason when he was their best receiver last year, and to replace him? Former USC WR Mike Williams, who was out of the league after failing with Detroit.

The Rams? Well, they suck. I'm giving it 4 weeks until Sam Bradford gets knocked out for the year after getting creamed by some monster D-lineman.

That leaves the Niners. They're pretty much going to win this division by the two sweetest words in the English language...de-fault. If Alex Smith can't lead this team to a division title THIS year, in THIS shitty division of teams, it's never going to happen and he'll probably be asked to take his tiny hands and hit the road. Also, I fucking hate Frank Gore. That asshole boned me in fantasy like 3 years in a row.

The Mark Show's picks: Niners, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams

Bamadawg's picks: San Fran, Hawks, Arizona, St. Louis

BoozeRob's picks: San Fran, Clemons is a queer, St. Louis, Pom Pom Pete's Pussy Patrol

NFC North

I'm happy Brett Favre is back. There I said it. I'm not happy about all the coverage he's already gotten, no no. I'm happy because it is going to be so god damn fun watching him crash and burn this year. Last year was a fucking fairy tale for that bastard. Pretty much everything went right for him and the Vikings. Well, up until the final minute of the NFC Championship anyway.

Man that puts a smile on my face. I enjoyed Peyton's pick six to lose the Super Bowl more, but that Favre interception was awesome too. Anyway, like I was saying, everything went perfectly last year. It so fucking annoying. This year is going to be great. Favre is already getting injections in his ankle and bitching about the pain. His favorite target, Sidney Rice, is out for at least half the season after having hip surgery. His other favorite target, Percy Harvin, has some weird issue with migraines and there's no telling when he's going to miss playing time. It's all heading towards a massive Favre implosion that is going to be spectacular to watch. My only hope is that he throws another pick as his last pass of the season so it'll be four years in a row of that. Whether it's in the playoffs or the regular season, I don't care. And then we can (hopefully) finally say good riddance.

As for the rest of the division, the Packers should run away with things and lock up one of the top 2 seeds in the conference and a first-round bye. I don't see Mike Martz helping Jay Cutler at all. Cutler just doesn't have the mental abilities to be the great QB that everyone thinks he'll be based on his arm strength alone. And now he's "dating" Kristin Cavalleri? I would not be excited for this season if I were a Bears fan. Detroit should be improved over last season, and obviously the 0-16 season before that, but they're still the Lions and they're still going to finish last in the division.

The Mark Show's picks: Packers, Vikings, Bears, Lions

Bamadawg's picks: Packers, *Vikings*, Bears, Lions

BoozeRob's picks: Vikings, *Bamadawg can eat a dick*, Bears, Lions

NFC South

Let's just take a moment and enjoy Tracy Porter's Super Bowl interception, huh?



Ahhhh, that's good shit.

A lot of people are predicting a Super Bowl hangover for the Saints. And it's not a crazy prediction by any means. They toppled Peyton Manning, brought New Orleans the city's first ever championship, and then spent the summer celebrating their asses off. Also, Don Banks pointed out today that since the Patriots beat Jacksonville in the playoffs the season after they won their 3rd Super Bowl, no SB winning team has managed to win a playoff game the following year. Kind of a crazy statistic. So no one would begrudge the Saints if they somewhat shit the bed this season. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Drew Brees is too good, and Sean Payton really impresses me as a coach. I think between the two of them, they'll have the team ready to roll to another division title.

Atlanta has the chance to challenge them but I think ultimately they'll end up settling for a wild card spot. Carolina is being floated around as a sleeper team by some NFL writers but I just don't see it. Matt Moore was serviceable in his playing time last year but as with all quarterbacks, things get a lot harder once opponents get their hands on a bunch of game film and exploit your weaknesses. Moore, combined with what is going to be an awful defense, are going to keep this team from making any noise in the division. I'm not even going to bother talking about Tampa Bay.

The Mark Show's picks: Saints, *Falcons*, Panthers, Bucs

Bamadawg's picks: Atlanta, *New Orleans*, Carolina, Tampa Bay

BoozeRob's picks: New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina

NFC East

And finally, the annoying NFC East. Once again being touted by some as the best division in football, which is bullshit. The Cowboys are legit, but the Eagles and Giants both have big question marks, and I think the Redskins are going to be a disaster.

Donovan McNabb is not the savior people are making him out to be, and neither is Mike Shanahan. Shanahan won what? One playoff game after Elway retired? And he didn't win shit with Elway until Terrel Davis arrived. Let's also not forget about how things turned out when another former Super Bowl-winning coach returned to the Redskins when Joe Gibbs made his painful-to-watch comeback a few years ago. Throw in the ugly Albert Haynesworth situation and I just can't see the Redskins having much success this year.

Philly's fate obviously rests in the hands of Kevin Kolb and his transition to the starter this year. I think he'll do well enough to get Philly a wild card spot with weapons like DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy to take some of the pressure off of him.

I don't really have anything to say about the Giants except for that it was awesome watching Eli Manning get JACKED UP in that first preseason game.

The Mark Show's picks: Cowboys, *Eagles*, Giants, Redskins

Bamadawg's picks: Dallas, Giants, Philly, Skins

BoozeRob's picks: Dallas, *Giants*, Redskins, Philly

We'll be back tomorrow with a rundown of the AFC. Get excited, people! It's almost football season!

NFL Draft Tonight!

Sweet fucking tits it's NFL Draft night! So without further ado, let's jump into some draft and other NFL thoughts, shall we?

1. I'm pretty sure I think I like the new draft format
I'm pretty sure I like this new draft format. 1st round tonight. 2nd and 3rd rounds tomorrow night. Everything else on Saturday. I'm also pretty sure that by tomorrow morning I will fucking LOVE it. Yeah, I'm kinda annoyed that I'm gonna have to stay up until midnight only to have the Patriots trade out of the first round, but it's going to be awesome to spend all day tomorrow talking about who got drafted in the first round and who's left for the second round. And you absolutely have to love that kind of distraction at work. Fan-fucking-tastic. Plus, now that I'm married with a kid on the way it would have been harder and harder to keep blocking off an entire Saturday year after year.

2. Speaking of the Pats, please don't trade down
Look, we get it. Belichick likes hoarding draft picks and all that bullshit but let's face it, the last few Patriots' drafts haven't yielded much in the way of serviceable players. For once can we just fucking pick the best player for our team in the spot we're at? And I swear to god, if that player ends up Jermaine Gresham I'm going to fucking lose my shit. Yeah, the Pats need a TE besides Alge Crumpler, but spending another 1st round pick on a position that has such a minimal impact on the offense is fucking insane. Please tell me that the Pats have learned their lesson after Daniel Graham and Ben Watson.

As for who I want? One way or another (trading up, a player dropping down, whatever) I hope the Pats end up getting Rolando McClain, Derrick Morgan, CJ Spiller, Dez Bryant or Sergio Kindle.

3. Tim Tebow
Quite frankly, there's a small part of me that would like it if the Pats end up taking Tebow, if only because Dan Shanoff hates the Pats so much. The ironing would be delicious. But besides that, I can't see the Pats taking him the first round. Please God no. If he's available for one of the three second round picks that the Pats have? Well, fine. I happen to think that Tebow will make a good NFL quarterback. And if he sits behind Tom Brady, learning from the best, who knows what his ceiling would be. He isn't some one-year starter wonder like Tim Couch, Jason White, and every other bust that always comes up. The kid is legit. Even if I think he's annoying as shit and the continuous media blowjob of him is awful.

4. The Rams are making a mistake if/when they take Sam Bradford #1
I truly don't understand what the fuck the Rams are thinking. Bradford seems like a good guy who will work his ass off to be the best QB he can possibly be. But that doesn't change the fact that he just missed his entire senior year because some tiny ass college D-lineman fell on his shoulder and completely destroyed it. What happens when some beast NFL player hits him? And that's gonna fucking happen A LOT. Yeah, he won the Heisman, but a shitload of busts have won that award as well. To switch from a sure thing like Ndamukong Suh to Bradford just because he impressed everyone on his pro day, throwing without pads or defensive pressure, just seems fucking stupid to me. We'll see how it plays out, but the Lions are getting a fucking hell of a gift with Suh dropping to #2.

5. 2 weeks away from the due date
Baby Mark Show is two motherfucking weeks away. Holy fucking shit! I've done so much baby prep work in the last month and it's finally all done. Pretty much. But of course, the work is never going to end once the baby comes. And that's just fine. I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be fucking awesome. Just make sure to remind me that it's awesome when I'm waking up every three hours to change a poopy diaper because Wifey is sleeping between feeding the baby every three hours.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Super Bowl!

It's Super Bowl time, my little bitches! And for the first time in 3 years, I'm actually going to get to watch the entire game at home, on my couch, the way it's fucking supposed to be.

Two years ago I was about 5 months into a new job and the week before the Super Bowl the bosses decided to send me on travel. Just for a week, fine, I'll be back on Saturday. The week was going by just fine, until Thursday, when I got The Call.

"Hey, we're gonna need you to stay out there next week, too."

Um, ok, can I fly home for the weekend? No. But it's the Super Bowl! The Pats are going for 19-0! Sorry, Mark, you're officially fucked. I tried to make the best of it. I bought a case of beer and bottle of champagne to drink during and after the game. I had packed my jersey juuuuuust in case this exact fucked scenario actually played out. My hotel room actually had an HDTV in it. I suppose it could have been worse.

And then, the fucking game happened. Ugh. Let's just move on.

Last year a friend of Wifey's was having a Super Bowl party, and since that friend's grandma or someone had just died and Wifey hadn't had a chance to see her yet, we had to go. Fine. We got there and the first thing I noticed was that someone had made chili that was clearly inferior to the chili I had cooking at home. Step up your fucking chili game, people. I'm the fucking Pope of Chili Town and this was some weak ass excuse for chili.

Since the game hadn't started yet and I had zero interest in talking to anyone at this party, I went to pet the dog. The dog, a boxer, was in the other room locked in its crate. And this is something I will fucking never understand about some people; why the fuck do people lock their dogs in the crate when they have company over? It drives me fucking crazy. I am never going to do that when I get a dog. Not a dog person? Then get the fuck out of my house! Oh did the dog knock something over and spill shit? Well the kids and drunk people are gonna do that anyway so what's the difference?

Anyway, so I go and sit next to the crate and pet the dog through the prison bars for a second and then I was like fuck it, and I opened the door to the crate, positioning myself so that I was pretty much blocking any escape. The dog sat there happily for like a minute while I petted it, but then I let my guard down and glanced into the other room to see where Wifey was. BOOM! That animal came busting out like a bat out of hell, knocking me on my back and charging into the party to fucking wreak havoc. Just started sprinting around, jumping on people, all that shit. It was great. Eventually the owners got the dog back in the crate and I fake apologized. We stayed for the first quarter and then headed home. I turned on the tv just in time to see James Harrison's interception return. And since the game sucked donkey dick in the 3rd quarter, I was actually in bed watching the non-HDTV when all of the awesomeness happened. Oh well.

But this year! This year I'm not going fucking anywhere. I'm gonna make my kick ass chili, drink some beer, and park my ass on the couch for the entire game. Wifey is talking about having some friends over and that's fine. Do whatever you want, lady. I'm eating my chili and watching football and that's all I give a shit about.

On to the game!

Indianapolis (-5) over New Orleans

God I would love to take the Saints. I'm fucking praying that they pull off the upset. But really, I just don't think it's going to happen. Peyton Manning is just too good. He's been playing out of his mind all season and he just seems to have a robotic, Terminator-like focus right now. I had a friend over to watch the AFC championship and with the Jets leading 17-6 just before the half I said to him, "It pisses me off that we're like 3 plays away from it being 17-13." Well, it took 4 plays, but that's the amazing thing about Manning; it's practically expected that he's going to make a couple deep throws and bury the dagger of a TD into your chest on every drive. It's fucking annoying.

I also don't think that Dwight Freeney's absence is going to mean shit. I just get the feeling that after the game, Berman and all the other talking dipshits are gonna be saying shit like, "And you never would have even noticed that Dwight Freeney didn't play!" I have no explanation for this other than I know we'll be hearing something like that after the game. So there.

Our only hope here is the Football Gods. Do they remember the Colts tanking like a bunch of pussies in Weeks 16 and 17? Do they realize what an enormous piece of whiny shit Bill Polian is? Do they know that the pussification of the game, penalizing the defense for everything, started with the Colts? Do they see the jackassery of Bill Polian claiming his team doesn't care about records or milestones but then making every effort to get Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark 100 catches for the season in Week 17? Of course not. The Football Gods don't exist. If they did, the Jets would have beaten the Colts 2 weeks ago after the Colts let them into the playoffs.

Colts 38, Saints 27 with Manning as MVP. Maybe he'll actually deserve it this time.

Monday Morning Eff You: February 1, 2010

Well, not the most exciting weekend, but we'll see what kind of hate and anger I can muster up. Let's do this!

1. The Pro Bowl
Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the fucking worst. The players don't give a shit. The fans don't give a shit. They have stupid pussy rules on defense, even worse than the pussy rules they put on defenses in real games. And this year, they moved it from Hawaii to the Super Bowl site and played it the week before the Super Bowl.

Now, I admit, I originally thought this was a good idea. You see, I WANT to like the Pro Bowl. I mean, it IS football, or at least it kind of is. And I always thought the biggest problem with having after the Super Bowl was that as soon as the SB is over, I'm fucking done. I've peaked, climaxed, blown my load, I'm just fucking done. And the thought of watching a game with practice squad intensity just didn't appeal to me at all. That's not the last image of football that I want heading into the interminable offseason.

So hey, move it to before the big game and even though it's the same shitty football, who gives a shit there's still the Super Bowl next weekend! Well, I was wrong. Although I watched more of the game than I have in god knows how long, it still fucking sucks. In fact, moving the game to before the SB took out the only good part about the Pro Bowl, all the stupid skills challenges and shit like that that you could catch on ESPN2 or NFL Network or whatever. That's some good mindless entertainment and unless I just missed it all week there was none of that.

So fuck off, NFL, and move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii and give me my skills competitions. Of course, that isn't going to happen since ratings went up big time for last night's game. Fuck.

2. The Boston Celtics
Man, talk about a shitty 3-game stretch, ending in a complete 4th quarter collapse against fucking Kobe and the Lakers yesterday. Ok, so losing to the Magic, Hawks, and Lakers isn't the worst thing in the world, but the team's play and health are concerning to say the least. The good news is that it's before the all-star break and there is plenty of time to rest guys, get them healthy, and get ready for a playoff run that will only feature one round of home court advantage. The bad news is that it's before the all-star break and we have to listen to Bill Simmons whine and cry like an entitled douchebag for another 4 months. Speaking of The Sports Guy...

3. Bill Simmons
Oh, you're ready for the 2011 lockout? Newsflash, dickhead, all it takes for you to experience a lockout is for you to stop following the team. Jesus christ I've never seen anyone whine so much about a team that is 29-16. Yes, there are concerns, but not every team is going to go wire to wire as the favorite to win the championship. Simmons always claims to be the ultimate fan, always supporting the team and whatever, but at the slightest sign of imperfection he writes everything off and uses hindsight to talk about the moves the team should have made. See: Pats should have drafted Shonne Greene. It's fucking annoying. And this is from the guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about the so-called 5-year grace period. Well the C's are in Year 2, cock.

And really? You're ready for pitchers and catchers? Because this Red Sox season is sure to be a smooth ride to an AL East title from start to finish, right? Team is stacked from top to bottom. We're talking 110 wins, EASY! It's gonna be a looooong summer reading this douchebag complain about ANOTHER team in its 5-year grace period.

4. BoozeRob
Oooooooooh, look at meeee!! I just got a 55-inch Samsung LED TV! It's so thin and sexy and the picture is amazing! Memememememeeeeeeeee! Lucky bastard.

/stares at 52-inch Samsung LCD TV with contempt

5. Target
Fuck you, Target. Your website fucking sucks and it's a pain in the balls to do baby registry stuff there. That means I actually have to go to your fucking store and zap shit that's in the store, but not on the website. How the FUCK do you not have the diaper genie online? Baby Mark Show is gonna fucking NEED that! You're fucking worthless. I'm thiiiiiis close to switching to Babies R Us. Fucks.

Speaking of Baby Mark Show, we're 3 months and 5 days from the due date. Oh wait, it's actually less than that because February isn't a real month! Ho. Ly. Shitballs.

Monday Morning Eff You: January 25, 2010 - The Thank You Edition!

We're doing things a little bit different today here in MMFU. Today it's all about saying thank you, because that was a pretty damn great day of football yesterday. Wanna fight about it?

1. Thank You Brett Favre
Holy fucking shit was that fucking great or was it so fucking awesomely great that it can barely be put in to words?!? The only way that could have been better is if Tracy Porter had taken that interception to the house to end the game, if only to save us from the bitching about the NFL's OT rules.

I'll be honest, I was starting to get worried on that final drive. Can you imagine if the Vikings hadn't completely shit the bed and actually gotten into field goal range and kicked the game winner. The "Favre is a warrior" stories would have broken the internet. I mean, the Saints were fucking PUMMELING him. And yeah, he played up the ankle injury because he's a manipulative piece of shit attention whore, but still, he was getting the fucking shit kicked out of him.

But deep down I knew, we all did, as soon as that play broke down you could just feel it coming. And then BAM! Picked off! I didn't even realize it, but I was cackling like a fucking hyena so loud that Wifey, who was in bed 2 rooms away, texted me asking "What's so funny?" I honestly had no idea I was even laughing. I was just in a state of euphoria. God it was fucking great.

2. Thank You Tom Jackson
We all knew that the media would immediately begin to protect Favre, especially the likes of Chris Berman and Peter King (NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT FAVRE'S DAUGHTER!), but then out of nowhere comes Tom Jackson with possibly the funniest quote of all time:

That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. It's one of the things I admire about him.

Excuse me, but...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus fucking Christ how can someone say that with a straight face? And no one the ESPN crew even blinked. Can you imagine if someone defended anyone else that way? Tony Romo? Jake Delhomme? Jamarcus Russell? They'd probably be fired on the fucking spot. But with Favre? Everyone just nods in agreement. Fucking Favre. What a cock.

But TJ's right, Favre certainly isn't afraid to throw an interception. Especially one that ends his team's season, which he's done for the last three years. How awesome is that? The last pass Favre has thrown in each of the last three seasons has been an interception to crush his team's dreams. It's downright poetic.

Also, TJ's quote kicked off an awesome Twitter trend led by Will Leitch. Check it out for some laughs.

3. Thank You Garrett Hartley
Finally! A kicker with some fucking gonads nails one in the playoffs! When he lined up for the kick and FOX showed that angle from behind the kicker that makes the goal posts look a million miles away MY heart started pounding. I can't even imagine what that was like for the 23-year old who took over midseason from John Carney. And he fucking striped it right down the fucking middle. Well done, kid.

4. Thank You Peyton Manning
Hold on, I just puked all over myself.

Ok, cleaned that up, fucking disgusting. But anyway, so long, New York Jets! In my post on Sunday I said that I'd be rooting for the Colts but the second the game started I just couldn't do it. So I sat back and just enjoyed the game, being happy about whichever team was losing at the moment. It's an interesting way to watch a football game, that's for sure. But in the end, I'm happy the Jets are gone. And I'm even happier that my friends living in New York don't have to deal with the aftermath of the Jets making the Super Bowl.

5. Thank You Everyone Who Played On Sunday
After a pretty shitty run of playoff games, we finally got a day of games worth watching. And I watched every second, at least when I wasn't on the shitter, stupid stomach. Let's all enjoy it until next Monday when the MMFU returns with a fucking vengeance after what is sure to be the worst Pro Bowl ever. And that's saying something.

NFL Quick Pick: New York Jets

New York Jets (-3.5) over Buffalo
No home team here, people. This game is up in fucking Toronto. Not that you'll be watching anyway since it's on the NFL Network and these teams suck. There are plenty of better options, including the Civil War, as Booze described in the previous post. Darrelle Revis is going to completely shut down a rejuvenated TO and as long as Sanchez doesn't shit in his diaper the Jets should cover the spread. And if they don't, it's just another reason to hate those fuckers. Not that I need one.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 30, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The authors of this site
Oh it's a holiday weekend so it's just too much fucking trouble to post a thing or two? Well, fuck us right in the asshole. I had every intention to do a picks post plus a couple of other things but every time I thought of stuff to write I was nowhere near a computer. And by the time I got home I was always too fucking lazy to actually type. So our apologies if you were actually looking for content from us this weekend. We're obviously fuckheads. And if you were actually looking for content from us? Well that says something about your life. I don't know what it says, but it definitely says something.

2. The NFL schedule makers
Pretty much all of the games sucked this week, but the Thanksgiving games were fucking atrocious. For the past few seasons there has been talk about taking the Thanksgiving game away from Detroit. I don't agree with that. The problem isn't that the Lions are playing, the problem is WHO the Lions are playing. If the fucking schedule makers would stop putting them in a matchup that is obviously going to result in a fucking blowout, things wouldn't be this bad. Sure, we might still get a boring game, but at least there would be a chance of a close game. Same with sending Oakland to Dallas. Really, fuckwads? How could anyone possible think that putting Oakland on national television could be a good idea? Fucking dipshits.

3. Pete Carroll
BoozeRob offered his opinion on this earlier, and while I agree that it was fucking stupid for Slick Rick to call that timeout, Carroll can't be let off the hook either. This is the fucking crybaby asshole who whined and complained to fucking everyone about Stanford running up the score a few weeks ago. You can't cry like a little bitch when Stanford, of all teams, is ruining your shit and then come back a few weeks later and pull the same type of crap. Only a fucking douchebag would do something like that. So fuck you, Petey. Fucking douchebag.

4. Brett Favre
Motherfucker played brilliantly yesterday. Knock that shit off, Favre. It makes it harder to hate your guts.

5. Serena Williams
AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that, you fat bitch! Fuck you! God I fucking hate that woman. Sure, 82 grand is chump change for her but I don't fucking care. Randomly seeing that in the ESPN headlines just now just fucking made my night. You should see the fucking shit-eating grin on my face. Awesome.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Rex Ryan

Reader D. Chuck checks in this morning with a guest post nominee for Dorn of the Week. Here's what he has to say:

Jesus Christ I hate the Jets. Just shut the fuck up and move on! Why are you still talking about this game? How was LeVoir's block illegal in any way? He blocked you! You're in the NFL, you're going to get blocked, sometimes hard! Next time pay attention! And dear God, shut UP Rex Ryan. Disrespected? You are the poster boy for not respecting your opponent. You left season ticket holders voicemails before we played the first game. You made Kevin O'Connell (yes, the immortal Kevin O'Connell) a captain for this game, and the Week 2 game, solely because you were playing the Patriots. So shut the hell up. Oh, and speaking of disrespect, how about calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in a game that you were losing by 17? Is that respectful? GOD.

Well put. That fat fuck can choke on Fireman Ed's fucking helmet. Did you know he gave Fireman Ed a fucking gameball after the Week 2 game? How fucking pathetic is that?

Source: Boston Herald

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 10

Am I a fucking prophet or what? Ok, so it wasn't a pick 6 that sealed the game and the cover but it WAS a pick. So I'm counting it. But seriously, did you see that fucking game? Holy shit what a suckfest. Thank god I was tired and shut it off at halftime because that 2nd half must have been just brutal to watch. Whatever. A win's a win and I'll take it. And since Crabtree didn't find the endzone. Fuck him.

Ok, on to the rest of this week's games.

Home team in CAPS.

NEW YORK JETS (-7) over Jacksonville
Fucking CBS. Instead of showing the awesome matchup of Bengals-Steelers, I'm getting this stupid game. Assholes. Anyway, I would have loved to take the Jags here but I just have a feeling that Jets are going to get a blowout win to build their confidence before next week's trip to Foxboro. And no doubt they'll be yapping it the fuck up like the assholes they are. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck the Jets. But they're winning this game handily.

Denver (-4) over WASHINGTON
Wow this line is low. Has Vegas seen what's been going on with the Redskins? Look for Denver to end their losing streak here. If I were a Skins fan I'd take the time to make a sign just so I'd have a story about it getting confiscated by Dan Snyder's storm troopers. Fucking Nazi.

PITTSBURGH (-7) over Cincinnati
Oh how I would love to take the Bengals here. I fucking loathe the Steelers. I just can't shake the feeling that the Steelers blow the fuck out of the Bengals and reclaim the throne in the AFC North. I still think Cincy is going to the playoffs but they're going to get knocked down a peg before hitting an easy run on their schedule in the next few weeks. Also, look for a Dorn of the Week nomination for Roger Goodell and the NFL for fining Ochocinco 20 grand for his little "bribe" stunt last week. That is fucking bullshit. It was one fucking dollar and it was god damn hilarious since the Ravens are so prone to bitching about the officials. Lighten the fuck up.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Buffalo
Buffalo fucking sucks. T.O. might not play. And the Titans are finally showing some signs of life. Vince Young might not be the stud he was in college but I still think he can get shit done and Chris Johnson has been running wild lately and will continue to do so this week.

MINNESOTA (-17) over Detroit
They can't make this line high enough. Minnesota is coming off a bye and Detroit...well, we know they're fucking terrible. Add to that the fact that Stafford is supposedly feuding with Megatron and we've got all the makings of a shitbeating. And of course, the fuckhead Brett Favre will be awesome again and the media will suck his dick all week for the millionth time.

New Orleans (-14) over ST. LOUIS
Another line that can't be high enough. I know the Saints have gotten off to slow starts the last few weeks but holy jebus, it's the fucking Rams! The Saints are going to roll to 12-0 before the Pats come to town.

Atlanta (-2) over CAROLINA
I find it amazing that Cutler leads the league in interceptions over Delhomme. It's true! But that doesn't change the fact that Delhomme is fucking awful. Honestly, if this game were in Atlanta I'd probably take the Panthers, but since Delhomme fucking sucks at home and is going to be booed at the first sign of his inevitable incompetence I'm rolling with the Falcons. Hopefully we get another sideline scuffle and the two Smiths (Mike and Steve) can slug it out.

MIAMI (-10) over Tampa Bay
Suicide pick alert! I'm running out of good teams to take in my suicide pool. I swear to god I'll take an underdog before this is over, but not yet. Miami is better than their record indicates (I fucking hate saying that) and the Bucs are probably still sucking each other off after last week's improbable win. On another note, how fucking pathetic is this Gatorade bath thing getting? First the Rams dumped the bucket on Steve Spagnuolo a couple weeks ago and now Raheem Morris got the same treatment last week. That's how you know your franchise fucking sucks. I don't give a shit if it's the coach's first victory as a head coach. Have some fucking respect for yourselves.

Kansas City (+2) over OAKLAND
See? I told you I'd take an underdog! Not that I have any confidence in this pick whatsoever. What a shitty game.

ARIZONA (-9) over Seattle
Okay, Cardinals. Time to fucking lock it up at home. Yeah, your 4-0 record on the road is nice and everything, but fuck, I still can't believe you lost to Carolina at home two weeks ago. If Kurt Warner can't beat the shit out of the Seahawks this weekend I fully expect him to renounce his faith.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Philadelphia
This line has been taken off the board at bodog.com. What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm completely flabbergasted by that. The Chargers are on a nice little run right now, and if they want to have any chance of catching the Broncos in the AFC West they need to win this game. Also, if Tomlinson scores more fantasy points than Crabtree and the difference costs me a win I'm going to be fucking pissed. Fucking Tomlinson. I knew it was a mistake to take him in the first round of my new keeper league this year but I did it anyway and it's been haunting me ever since. Fuck.

GREEN BAY (+3) over Dallas
The Cowboys are riding a little too high after their win at Philly and Tony Romo is due for a nice 3 pick game that brings all the doubters back out of the woodwork. I'm excited. Note to Aaron Rodgers: Throw the fucking ball before Demarcus Ware sacks your ass! As long as he does that we should see the Packers win.

New England (+3) over INDIANAPOLIS
This line opened at 2.5. Really? Enough people are betting on the Colts to move the line to 3? Obviously this is a ginormous game with first round bye implications on the line. Everyone is talking about how the Colts' secondary has been weakened by injuries to Bob Sanders and company. However, Sanders only played in 2 games before going on season ending IR last week and still the Colts' D has been playing well all year. But they haven't had their rookie CBs tested against the likes of Brady, Moss, and Welker. This game is gonna be a slugfest and I can't fucking wait for it. For all the hype about Brady and Manning, I think this game is going to come down to the matchup between Dwight Freeney and rookie Sebastian Vollmer, filling in for injured Matt Light. Vollmer is a fucking beast and I think he contains Freeney enough for Brady to take advantage of the Indy secondary. LET'S GO PATS!

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND
The Browns are a fucking mess. The Ravens are pissed off after an embarrassing display last week and Cleveland is the perfect team for them to stomp on to take out that aggression.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 9

Holy fucking shit. This week's slate of games is fucking brutal. Good teams playing good teams. Shitty teams playing shitty teams. Fucking enigma teams playing other fucking enigma teams. This could be a blood bath. There's your warning. I have no fucking idea on the majority of these.

Home team in CAPS

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Kansas City
And here we got with shitty vs. shitty matchup number 1. Ugh. Kansas City flat out sucks. The Jags gave the Titans their first win last week despite an epic effort from Maurice Jones-Drew. Plus, there's this nugget from Peter King's picks column...

"I hear Jack Del Rio was found, in a daze, walking aimlessly around the parking lot at the team's stadium and practice facility the other night. A security guard approached. 'Coach, can I help you find something," the guard said. Del Rio looked up. 'Our heart," he said."

Wow. I kinda wish he had said "my axe" or "my resume" but still, that's not a good thing. Whatever though, like I said, KC sucks and if the Jags have any pride at all, which is apparently in some serious doubt, they'll take care of business at home.

CINCINNATI (+3) over Baltimore
If the Bengals weren't coming off of their bye week I'd probably take the Ravens. But Cincy has had two weeks to get ready for a game that has HUGE division and playoff implications. I think they get it done with Ochocinco running wild in the Ravens' suspect secondary.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Houston
With all the talk about how this is the biggest game in Houston franchise history, this has all the makings of an epic shitbeating that just fucking destroys the will of a fanbase. Peyton Manning knows he's going to have to light shit up after a slew of defensive injuries hit the Colts this week so he's going to be a fucking madman out there. We're looking at something like 5 TD passes from him.

ATLANTA (-10) over Washington
Suicide pick alert! Matt Ryan is going to get back on track after an unimpressive 3-game stretch. And if he doesn't? I'm going to fly to Atlanta and rape him with a Natty Ice can. Also, I implore any Redskins fans (hell, even Falcons fans!) going to this game to bring as many anti-Dan Snyder signs as possible. That little midget doesn't have any power in Hotlanta!! Skewer his ass, people!

Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY
Kinda weird for the Packers to have a must-win against a winless team, but here we are. And that's about all I have to say about this game. Fucking boring.

Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO
Man, Arizona really fucked things up last week, huh? Dickwads. And yet, I'm picking them. Am I confident? Fuck no. These two teams are both complete mindfucks. Fuck them both.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Miami
Let's take a second to talk about Joey 'Fuckhead' Porter. Porter has spent the week spouting his tired bullshit about how the Pats are cheaters and blah fucking blah fucking blah. We get it dude. You're a bitter piece of shit with no self esteem and an overinflated ego. Whatever. But this week, in addition to his usual verbal puke, he brought up the Tom Brady Rule and cried about how Brady lobbied for a flag and got it thrown, so therefore Brady gets special treatment.

Now, the play in question was dubious, and even though the call was correct, it probably wasn't a play that warranted a flag. I'll freely admit that, and that Brady and the other elite quarterbacks around the league definitely do get protected and yeah, it's annoying.

But what pisses me off, is this idea that the flag was only thrown because Brady lobbied for a flag and that he gets whatever he wants. EVERY MOTHER FUCKING PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE LOBBIES FOR FLAGS! Watch any fucking pass play that gets broken up and the receiver usually hops up looking for a flag. Someone rushing the passer gets held a little bit and they start looking for a flag. Someone's facemask gets brushed and the runner gets up yanking on on his mask in effort to get the flag. False starts, offsides, fucking everything! So yes, the rules protecting the QBs in the league are a little ridiculous, but let's the cut the shit when it comes to claiming that they can ask for flags are get them on any play. Fuck off, Joey Porter.

And as far the game goes. Pats coming off a bye and Brady taking advantage of injuries to the Miami secondary means this is gonna be another blowout and the Dolphins can shut the fuck up (even though they won't) about the division still going through them. Last year was a fucking fluke, you assholes. And you had the same record as the Pats, who played with Matt Cassel for the entire god damn year. God I fucking hate the Dolphins.

And as a bonus, I'm going to be witnessing the carnage in person. Fuck. Yes. SQUISH THE FISH!

NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Carolina
Thanks to the Panthers for taking out some people in my suicide pools last week. I appreciate it. I don't know if the Saints can go undefeated, but I do get the feeling that they'll be unbeaten when the Pats come to town in a few weeks.

SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit
Yikes. This line scares the shit out of me. Hasselbeck better get this team together and shit all over the Lions or I'm screwed here.

Tennessee (+4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Taking the Titans two weeks in a row? I'm a fucking idiot.

San Diego (+5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Again, no fucking clue. If this game were at 1, I'd take the Giants. But since it's at 4:15, I think the Chargers won't be as fucked by the time change and will send us one step closer to a Tom Coughlin meltdown.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas
I can't wait to watch Roy Williams drop more passes after his dipshit comments earlier in the week. Oh, you're not trying to be a T.O.? Well maybe you should be, because even as T.O. was running his mouth in Dallas, at least he was producing on the fucking field. Jackass.

Pittsburgh (-3) over DENVER
Time for Denver to fade back to the pack and make the race for the 2nd playoff bye wide fucking open.

And just in case you didn't get it the first; I have no mother fucking clue this week. Follow these picks at your own fucking risk.

Monday Morning Eff You: November 2, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.
1. The Philadelphia Phillies (especially you, Brad Lidge)
Last night's game had much more on the line than simply swinging the World Series one way or another. Yesterday had the makings of true greatness when it comes to hating teams from New York. I mean seriously, first the Giants absolutely shit the bed against the Eagles. That was a fucking pathetic display of attempted football, the kind of game that leaves fans of the team completely catatonic and ruined for the rest of the day, and haters of the team with shit-eating grins. Fucking outstanding. And at the exact same time, the douchebag J-E-T-S were getting fucking embarrassed by Ted Ginn Jr., of all people, and Rex Ryan just had to stand their in his piece of shit Titans throwback muumuu and take it like the little bitch he is. AHAHAHAHAHA! All that was left was for the Phillies to finish the job. But nooooooooooo, Brad Lidge had to come in a fuck everything up. I don't give a rat's ass that he didn't blow a save last year, the guy is fucking terrible. He's Joe fucking Borowski on a lucky streak and last night, that luck ran out. And now we're 1 win away from BamaDawg celebrating another WS win. Fuck. That.

2. The NFL and NBC
Everyone has already talked about this before the weekend but I'm gonna bitch about it anyway. Why the fuck does the NFL bow out because the World Series every year? Seriously, I could give a fuck about watching two baseball teams that I don't care about, but I'd damn sure be watching football. Instead, since I don't give a shit about the game, I let Wifey pick a show and I'm stuck watching House Hunters on HGTV until she falls asleep and I can switch back the game, which I still don't care about, but at least it's sports. Can you imagine the ratings raping that would have occurred if the NFL had decided to throw Green Bay-Minnesota up as the night game? Hey, speaking of that...

3. Brett Favre
Like I said, he'll be here every week. Oh that was some delicious booing he got treated to as he ran onto the field before the game. I applaud you, Packer fans. And of course, Favre, being the complete dickhead that he is, goes out and throws 4 TDs and 0 picks en route to a soul-crushing defeat for the Packers. Ouch.

4. USC's defense
Holy jesus, what the fuck happened here? I thought the offense was supposed to be the question mark for USC? The fucking Ducks absolutely abused the 'vaunted' Pete Carroll defense and pulled off the shocking (at least to me) upset. I can't wait for Pete Carroll to bitch about USC's ranking after this atrocity. Fucking prick. And now there's sure to be a bunch of fuckheads who want to vault the Ducks over Boise State. Fuck you, assholes, look at the head-to-head results.

5. The people down the hall in my apartment building
It smells nice in my apartment, for the most part (hey, I fart a lot), but if you step foot into the hallway outside...ho-ly fuck. It's like getting knocked down by a tsunami of foul-smelling dogshit. Seriously, it smells like hot garbage, and it's all because of two apartments down the hall. I don't know what the fuck they are doing in there, but I definitely know that they are the source. To make matters even worse, now that Wifey is pregnant, she's a bit sensitive to odors, and now she has to hold her breath and cover her nose or else she starts gagging, which makes me want to break some fucking skulls. So fuck you, you smelly fucking fucks!

Start The Games!

God, this shit happens every year. Fucking daylight savings time used to be the greatest thing ever. An extra hour of sleep? Um, fucking thank you! But at some point, I stopped being able to enjoy that extra hour and now all it means is that I have to wait an extra fucking hour for football to start. It's fucking terrible. I wake up at the same time as every other Sunday (which is fucking early, fucking stupid sleep patterns) and now I have to wait even longer to watch football, which means an extra hour to get roped into shitty household chores. It's bullshit.

Thankfully I have two things going for me this year that haven't happened before. First, the Pats are on a bye, which means that even though I'm still pumped to watch football all day, it's more of a carefree feeling. Like yeah, I'm still excited, but there's not as much of that anxious "LET'S FUCKING GO!" feeling that usually accompanies my Sunday mornings. So that's good. Hey Goodell, you put the Pats bye on daylight savings day every year and I'll, well, I'll do something. And second, Wifey is pregnant, which means that she wanted to go back to sleep right after we had breakfast. And that leaves ME time to fuck around and play video games and play with my balls. Excellent.

Speaking of pregnant Wifey, and breakfast, I'm an awesome husband. I do a shitload of household chores, I clean, I go food shopping, all that shit, but most importantly, I cook. And I'm a damn good cook. But sometimes that leads to annoying shit like this...

Me - "What do you want for breakfast?"
Wifey - "Um, I don't know."
Me - "God dammit woman, pick something!"
Wifey - "Ok I want scrambled eggs with tomatoes, bacon, and biscuits?"
Me - "Biscuits? I don't know how to do that."
Wifey - "You're a good cook. I'm sure you can figure it out with Bisquick or something."

Fuck. Now, not only do I have to run out to White Hen to grab some stupid tomatoes since I forgot them when I went shopping yesterday, but now I have to make fucking biscuits. As it turns out, biscuits are quite easy to make. Well, at least for a fucking master chef like myself, but still, quite easy. But what happens when my reputation as master chef calls for a more complicated recipe? Well, I'll tell you what happens, I'm gonna fucking own that shit and whip up some perfection. But it's going to a be a pain in the ass, which is the whole point.

Anyway, this is the shit that's gonna be posted when I have way too much time to kill before the games start. Fucking daylight savings time. You are worthless to me now.

Monday Moring Eff You: October 26, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction. Let's get this fucker underway, in no particular order:

1. The BCS Rankings
Now, I have no problem with TCU jumping over Boise State in the rankings. Sure, it pisses me off, but I saw that shit coming. What I can't fucking see is how in the fuck, Iowa could jump to #4 after needing every goddamn second in the game to pull a win out of their asses at Michigan State. How the fuck are they ranked ahead of TCU, nevermind Boise State and Cincinatti. Complete and utter bullshit. And I guess the computers actually COULD hear Pete Carroll crying like a little bitch after last week's rankings since USC somehow jumped up 2 spots as well after beating unranked Oregon State at home. By 6 lousy fucking points. Get fucked, Pete Carroll, you and the BCS rankings can just fuck right off.

2. Mark Shapiro
Surprise! I'm saying Fuck You to Mark Shapiro! I, for one, am not fucking ready for the Manny Acta Era in Cleveland. I am depressed as all hell and the god damn playoffs aren't even over yet. 2010 is going to be a motherfucking abortion of a season for the Indians, and that's saying something, considering these last two years. And of course, with the Yankees finally finishing off the Angels last night (fuck you too, rain delay!) we are now set for the Game 1 matchup of Cliff Lee vs. C.C. Sabathia. Fuck my fucking life.

3. Brett Favre
He'll be here every week. Fucking asshole. But holy sweet jesus was that fun watching him puke the game away yesterday. Adrian Peterson destroys William Gay's shit, heads to the sideline for a breather and to revel in his awesomeness and all of a sudden...FUMMMMBBBBLLLLE! And they're off to the races. That was delicious. The subsequent pick 6 followed by a game ending sack were just icing and the cherry on top. Fuck you right in the ear, Brett Favre.

4. The NFL slate of games
Well, that was one boring, piece of shit Sunday, huh? Blowout city all over the god damn place. Would it kill some of you shitty teams to actually make things interesting for once? It would? Well fuck you then.

5. The asshole old people who live in my apartment building
The majority of the tenants in my apartment complex are senior citizens and some of them are complete dickheads. There are three different cars that refuse to use just one parking space and consistently park diagonally across two spaces. This drives me fucking insane. And it's always GOOD spaces that are getting wasted. Also, in the basement, there is a little area with a bunch of shopping carts near the elevators. This comes in handy because instead of making 52 trips back and forth to the car after a shopping trip we can just load everything into a cart and take the elevator. There's a HUGE fucking sign instructing people to return the carts when they are done with them. But do they? These lazy old fucks? Of course not. And this weekend, after going shopping, there were NO carts and I was fucking enraged. I went storming up the stairs, checking each floor for carts, finally found one on the fifth floor and made as much noise as possible banging the cart around the hall to get it back to the elevator. I hope it ruined some game of Mah Jong or something. Then, after getting my groceries and heading back inside, some crotchety old fuck gave me the evil eye and hissed "You know you need to bring that back after you're done, right?" That fucking prick is lucky I didn't go straight to ramming speed and destroy his brittle hips. What a dick.

Next week I'll actually try to get this up in the morning, fuckers.