Monday Morning Eff You: November 23, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. Fans of the University of Arizona
You stupid fucks! You know, call me crazy, but I think it's a pretty fucking good idea to wait until the game is actually OVER before you attempt to charge the field. You know who does that shit? Fucking Notre Dame. And just like the douchebag Irish, your team lost the fucking game, too! And really? You're going to rush the field after a win over fucking Oregon? Really?? I mean, yeah, fuck the Ducks and all that good shit but jesus fucking christ, have some pride in your team and try not to go fucking apeshit over a home win against Oregon. Fucking pathetic. You assholes can all bear down on my dick.

2. Charlie Weis
Hey, look who just suffered another humiliating loss? That's right! Big fat fuckhead Chaz Weis! Good god man, how many times does this need to happen before you just say fuck it and walk away. I know you're a dickhead and you want as much of a buyout as possible but fucking hell, aren't you embarrassed? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? HEY! Put that fucking cheeseburger down and listen to me! You fucking suck. Your school fucking sucks. And god dammit I love watching you lose, but please do us all a favor and just walk the fuck away.

3. Brett Favre
God dammit how is this piece of fuck 9-1 and having the best year of his life? That just will not fucking do. Start losing, asshole! And throwing those delicious pick sixes that you love to throw! I love those too! And while we're here, fuck Brad Childress too. That bearded fuck stumbles his way ass backwards into this dream season, gets a contract extension, and keeps calling for Favre to throw for TDs instead of handing the ball to Petersen and helping out the millions of fantasy players who took him with the first pick this year. Call more run plays, you bald piece of shit!

4. The Boston Celtics
God. Fucking. Dammit. Three Friday games in a row and three Friday losses in a row. Lock it the fuck up dickheads. Stop talking tough to the media about how you're only going to lose 10 games all year, or about how you're going to push the Magic around, or whatever the fuck else is in your stupid heads and just play basketball! You beat the Knicks by 2 last night! In overtime! THE FUCKING KNICKS!!! The bottom line is that you are playing like complete fuckheads right now and it is unacceptable. Get your heads out of each other's asses and stop fucking up the start of my weekend with a loss on Friday night.

5. The Mark Show
I have to put myself up here this week because I'm a fucking moron. After bemoaning the loss of Ronnie Brown because of the implications for my fantasy team you'd think that I would have dropped him or at the very least benched him, right? Nope! I completely forgot to set my roster up and left Brown in the starting lineup AND left Tomlinson on my bench. Tomlinson got 13 points. I lost my matchup by 4. Fuck. And the final kick in the balls is that I lost to BoozeRob's piece of shit team. Double fuck!

Mmmmm That's Good Schadenfreude

Holy motherfucking tits what a great day of college football!

First, those little fucksticks from Iowa finally used up their ninth life and couldn't come back for the 100th fucking week in a row. And Boise State gladly moves up a spot in the BCS. Thanks, Northwestern!

Then, Oregon waltzes into Stanford, still drunk from celebrating the shitbeating of USC last week and promptly shits all over the field. And Boise State gladly listens to the silence as all the fucking douchebag pieces of shit like Dan Shanoff shut the fuck up about how Oregon should have been ranked higher than BSU, regardless of the head to head result. Seriously, this is a sport where the media constantly criticizes the system, and rightly so, because championships are decided by the voters, and not on actual game results, and yet here is a situation where two teams actually played each other and they are just completely discounting the results. No wonder college football is so fucked. The dickheads running the show are incompetent, and the media is even fucking worse. Fuck.

And finally, Notre Dame loses to Navy. At home. Thank. Fucking. God. If those Irish pricks had weaseled their way into a BCS bowl only to crushed for the millionth time it would have been absolutely outrageous. Fuck Notre Dame.

(By the way, I did a google image search for "nelson haha" to get that picture. An entire page of different variations came up. Except for one picture, that was just three naked dudes in various states of arousal. So, thanks for that, google. Jerks.)

Monday Morning Eff You: November 2, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.
1. The Philadelphia Phillies (especially you, Brad Lidge)
Last night's game had much more on the line than simply swinging the World Series one way or another. Yesterday had the makings of true greatness when it comes to hating teams from New York. I mean seriously, first the Giants absolutely shit the bed against the Eagles. That was a fucking pathetic display of attempted football, the kind of game that leaves fans of the team completely catatonic and ruined for the rest of the day, and haters of the team with shit-eating grins. Fucking outstanding. And at the exact same time, the douchebag J-E-T-S were getting fucking embarrassed by Ted Ginn Jr., of all people, and Rex Ryan just had to stand their in his piece of shit Titans throwback muumuu and take it like the little bitch he is. AHAHAHAHAHA! All that was left was for the Phillies to finish the job. But nooooooooooo, Brad Lidge had to come in a fuck everything up. I don't give a rat's ass that he didn't blow a save last year, the guy is fucking terrible. He's Joe fucking Borowski on a lucky streak and last night, that luck ran out. And now we're 1 win away from BamaDawg celebrating another WS win. Fuck. That.

2. The NFL and NBC
Everyone has already talked about this before the weekend but I'm gonna bitch about it anyway. Why the fuck does the NFL bow out because the World Series every year? Seriously, I could give a fuck about watching two baseball teams that I don't care about, but I'd damn sure be watching football. Instead, since I don't give a shit about the game, I let Wifey pick a show and I'm stuck watching House Hunters on HGTV until she falls asleep and I can switch back the game, which I still don't care about, but at least it's sports. Can you imagine the ratings raping that would have occurred if the NFL had decided to throw Green Bay-Minnesota up as the night game? Hey, speaking of that...

3. Brett Favre
Like I said, he'll be here every week. Oh that was some delicious booing he got treated to as he ran onto the field before the game. I applaud you, Packer fans. And of course, Favre, being the complete dickhead that he is, goes out and throws 4 TDs and 0 picks en route to a soul-crushing defeat for the Packers. Ouch.

4. USC's defense
Holy jesus, what the fuck happened here? I thought the offense was supposed to be the question mark for USC? The fucking Ducks absolutely abused the 'vaunted' Pete Carroll defense and pulled off the shocking (at least to me) upset. I can't wait for Pete Carroll to bitch about USC's ranking after this atrocity. Fucking prick. And now there's sure to be a bunch of fuckheads who want to vault the Ducks over Boise State. Fuck you, assholes, look at the head-to-head results.

5. The people down the hall in my apartment building
It smells nice in my apartment, for the most part (hey, I fart a lot), but if you step foot into the hallway outside...ho-ly fuck. It's like getting knocked down by a tsunami of foul-smelling dogshit. Seriously, it smells like hot garbage, and it's all because of two apartments down the hall. I don't know what the fuck they are doing in there, but I definitely know that they are the source. To make matters even worse, now that Wifey is pregnant, she's a bit sensitive to odors, and now she has to hold her breath and cover her nose or else she starts gagging, which makes me want to break some fucking skulls. So fuck you, you smelly fucking fucks!

College Football Picks O' The Week!

It's almost Saturday, and that means its almost time for some fucking College Football! Fuck yeah! Since I like College Football, I thought I would share my genius with the world and make some picks for you all this week.

*Note: If you gamble from my picks, you deserve to fucking die.

#13 Penn State @ Michigan
The Coaches with Fucktarded Nicknames Bowl
3:30 PM ET, ABC

Penn State favored by 4 Points

Joe-Pa and his degenerative hips roll into the Big House to face Rich-Rod and his two headed freshmen QB monster. Penn State has not won at Ann Arbor since 1996, but with the inside shot on the Big 10 title on the line, Penn State looks like the good pick this week.

Penn State 34 - Michigan 17

#8 TCU @ #16 BYU
The "Hey look at us!" game of the week.
7:30 PM ET, No TV because no one gives a fuck.
TCU by 1

A Mountain West battle made all the more special by the ESPN GameDay crew rolling into town to stroke one out for the little guy. The mighty Horned Frogs are looking to win out and almost certainly jump fellow BCS Buster Boise State for the right to play in the Fiesta Bowl. No BCS Title game for this shitty little conference school, play some good teams, then pop off!

Back to the game, TCU owns the nations 4th longest winning streak and is seeking to beat America's only cult sponsored team for the second year in a row (send complaints to BoozeRob@OGDH.com). I looked into my magic hat full of seer stones and have seen the outcome.

TCU 24 - BYU 21


Auburn @ #9 LSU
War Eagle is looking to take a shit in Death Valley
7:30 PM ET, ESPN2
LSU by 8.5

LSU's offense has looked pretty shitty this season being led by the pretty fucking ineffective Jordan Jefferson.  That being said, the last 5 meetings between these two schools have been decided by a grand total of 19 points with LSU taking 3 of the 5.

Auburn on the other hand is averaging 35 points a game led by QB Chris Todd and a couple of nice backs staring at his ass behind him.

I'm taking Auburn in this one... WAR EAGLE MOTHER FUCKERS!

Auburn 31 - LSU 24

GAME OF THE WEEK
#11 Oregon @ Washington
The battle of two teams that truly fucking hate each other.
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Oregon by 10.

No joking around here, these two teams fucking hate each other. I mean really fucking hate each other. While both schools have their traditional rivals in Oregon State and Washington State, ask anybody from either school and they will tell you they would rather beat the Dawgs or the Ducks.

Since getting their shit stomped in Boise way back in September, Oregon has gotten on a roll winning their last five... granted they really haven't beaten anybody and this could be their first real test since. Washington has pulled off an impressive turnaround from their 0-12 finish last season, beating USC at home and pulling off an impressive last second win against Arizona. UW also took Notre Dame to overtime and lost to Arizona State on a last second breakdown in coverage.

Even though Oregon has won the last 5 in this series, make no mistake, UW owns this series by a large margin. OGDH is predicting an end to the Ducks winning streak due to the heroics of the best player on the field, UW QB Jake Locker. Its going to be a great day of booze, bitches, and victory over at Montlake.

UW 34 - Oregon 28

So I'm a homer, wanna fucking fight about it?

Fuck the Ducks!