If you're offended by the word fuck, then get the fuck out.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
NFL Picks O' The Week: Jets-Pats Week
Alright, before we even get started I need to address Tom Brady's comments from earlier in the week. Brady said that the Jets crowd was more hostile and then said that he saw people leaving on Sunday when the Pats were up by 21 in the middle of the 4th quarter. He also said that he didn't think Jets fans would be leaving early.
This ignited a fucking firestorm on the sports talk radio scene around here about Gillette being one of the quietest, if not the quietest, stadiums in the NFL. And that's true. There's no getting around it. The Pats have jack shit for home field advantage as far as crowd noise goes. Now, a part of me says "so what?" because their record home is awesome so are really blaming those few losses at home on the crowd? But the majority of me knows that it sucks that the crowd at Pats games really isn't up to creating a real advantage with a noise level that will distract the other team.
But the real question is, should Brady really be upset that fans were leaving once the team went up by THREE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS halfway through the 4th quarter. And to that, I say shut your fucking mouth, Tom, and cut your fucking hair. Who is he to say when people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets should leave the game? It's not like people were trying to beat traffic during a close game, like, um, the fucking JETS FANS who were leaving early even though it was a 10-9 game? Does Brady really need his ego stroked so much that he needs everyone to stay until the final whistle? What about the Tennessee game last year when Brian Hoyer came in because the Pats were up 50,000-0? Do the fans have to stay then? If Brady can leave early, why can't the fans who pay Brady's salary?
For the record, I was there on Sunday and my group didn't leave until about 3 minutes left in the game, after the Bengals had "cut it" it to 38-24.
Also for the record, I love Tom Brady and would have his babies, but if he wants to call out the crowd for not making enough noise, just say so. Don't beat around the bush.
And finally, a friend of mine who is a Bills fan (poor guy) had this theory last night while we were waiting for The Town (it was awesome) to start: Belichick and Brady are so smart that they decided that Brady would make these comments to take the media fire away from the Randy Moss press conference following Sunday's win.
Brilliant. I have no idea if that's the case, but the fact is that Brady's comments did knock Moss out of the media spotlight. And that's fantastic. I'm not worried about Moss AT ALL, but having to listen to a jackass like Felger spout his bullshit about how Moss is a cancer all week would have been fucking awful.
Ok, let's get to some fucking picks!
Home team in CAPS using ESPN lines...
ATLANTA (-6.5) over Arizona
I'm not really confident in Atlanta in general but at home, against fucking Derek Anderson, they should get a pretty solid win. After all, they actually do have a home field advantage.
CINCINNATI (+1.5) over Baltimore
Coming off a short week, the Ravens actually face a passing game that can expose their shitty secondary. Playing a Monday night road game followed by a division road game is never easy. I think the Ravens are solid but I also think Cincy is going to rebound from that pathetic display they put on at The Razor last Sunday.
Kansas City (+1.5) over CLEVELAND
how the fuck are the Browns favored in this game? I mean, yeah the win on Monday night was kinda fluky for the Chiefs but still, jesus.
Chicago (+8.5) over DALLAS
Anything less than 7 points and I would've taken Dallas here but jesus did you see that pathetic performance against Washington? Wow. Meanwhile, Chicago would have lost to Detroit if it weren't for Calvin Johnson being a dipshit. Yes, I think it was a catch. Yes, I think the rule is jacked up. But HE knows the rule, and it wouldn't have been very hard for him to just tuck the ball into his chest and leave absolutely no doubt. So it's Megatron's fault, and that's that.
Philadelphia (-3.5) over DETROIT
Mike Vick!! I actually don't care who is QB for the Eagles, they should stomp Detroit. Especially with Stafford out. Shaun Hill? Meh. I'm actually hoping Vick kicks ass so that we have a nice QB controversy once Kolb is un-concussed. That shit's always fun.
GREEN BAY (-13.5) over Buffalo
The Bills fan I mentioned earlier took the Bills for 16 confidence points in our picks league last week. "Yeah, it was a shot in the dark. Week 1 at home. Fuck. I won't be doing that again." Also, suicide alert!
Pittsburgh (+5.5) at TENNESSEE
I like the Titans to win this game but that line seems kinda high.
Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA
Again, I like Minnesota to win this game at home but jesus did you see Brett Favre on Thursday? That did not look like a guy who really wants to play this year. How funny would it be if he quit after a few games and then watched Tarvaris Jackson lead the Vikes to the playoffs?
CAROLINA (-2.5) over Tampa Bay
God what an awful game.
DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle
Typical Pete Carroll. Gets the first win and gets everyone's hopes up and then boom, everything comes crashing down. I bet Tebow gets into the endzone in this one.
St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND
I'm picking St. Louis until they win. Seriously. Well, at least this week anyway.
New England (-1.5) over NEW YORK JETS
Fuck the Jets. I'm nervous as shit about this game. The Jets are as desperate a team as you'll ever find in week 2 of the season and that's not a good thing for the Pats. What is a good thing, though, is that Mark Sanchez sucks fucking donkey balls. And besides Revis, so does the Jets secondary. Now, this was a problem last year when Welker was hurt for one game and the Pats had no other receiving threats. It's a different story this year, though, and with Welker, Tate, Hernandez, GRONK, and Edelman, Brady has enough targets to carve up the Jets defense. Also, New York's strength on offense last year, the running game, is weaker, thanks to letting Thomas Jones go and bringing in that whiny douchebag pussy LDT. Yeah, he looked decent in week 1 but that's typical of a veteran going to a new team looking to show some burst. He'll fade this week and even more as the season goes on. Fuck the Jets.
Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO
This is a stupid pick. I fully expect it to lose.
Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON
Tough one here. Texans probably overachieved against the Colts, meanwhile the Redskins stumbled their way assbackwards into a win thanks to some really dipshit moves by the Cowboys.
INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over New York Giants
I don't believe it will happen but....can Indy please go 0-2? PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2!
New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
1. I can't believe this line isn't higher.
2. Didn't take long for Simmons to abandon his 13-3 prediction for San Fran, huh? Simbiotics my fucking ass.
By the way, I wrote this entire thing while playing with Baby Mark Show so if there are spelling/grammar/whatever errors, deal with it. And let me know and I'll fix them. And as I was typing I'm pretty sure he just unleashed a shit bomb into his diaper. Great.
LET'S GO PATS! FUCK THE JETS!
Friday, September 10, 2010
NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 1!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
OGDH NFL Preview: The AFC
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
OGDH NFL Preview: The NFC
Heeeeeeyoooooooo! We're one god damn day away from the start of the NFL season and you know what that means? It's time to fire up this fucking blog again! Jesus it's been a long, soul-sucking summer in the sports world. I completely checked out of this baseball season, even becoming an awful dead owner in my final fantasy baseball season ever. Some asshole named Carlos Gonzalez is making a serious run at the Triple Crown in the NL and I seriously had never even heard his name until this morning when someone tweeted about. Pretty pathetic on my part but whatever, I don't give a shit, it's football season! Maybe Booze will even get off his ass and write about college football again.
But until then, let's take a quick look at the upcoming NFL season, starting with the NFC today, AFC tomorrow, and a full slate of picks on Friday. Fuck yeah!
Disclaimer: This will probably be the worst, least in-depth preview you'll ever read.
NFC West
Woof, let's just get this suckfest out the way, shall we? Let's see here, Kurt Warner retired and Matt Leinart was so freaking horrible in training camp and the preseason that he got freaking CUT in favor of Derek Andersen. Derek Andersen, who couldn't keep the starting job in CLEVELAND. Ouch. This is a team that, according to Peter King, is excited about having QB Max Hall as their backup. Max Hall? Yeah he didn't even get drafted. Jesus that's a rough quarterback situation for a team to be in.
Meanwhile, in Seattle, the team is so worried about Matt Hasselbeck's back that they went out and traded a 2nd-round pick to San Diego for Charlie Whitehurst, who has never taken a regular season snap thrown a regular season pass in the NFL. They also hired Pete Carroll as he was cowardly fleeing USC's sinking ship, let TJ Houshmanzadeh go for some reason when he was their best receiver last year, and to replace him? Former USC WR Mike Williams, who was out of the league after failing with Detroit.
The Rams? Well, they suck. I'm giving it 4 weeks until Sam Bradford gets knocked out for the year after getting creamed by some monster D-lineman.
That leaves the Niners. They're pretty much going to win this division by the two sweetest words in the English language...de-fault. If Alex Smith can't lead this team to a division title THIS year, in THIS shitty division of teams, it's never going to happen and he'll probably be asked to take his tiny hands and hit the road. Also, I fucking hate Frank Gore. That asshole boned me in fantasy like 3 years in a row.
The Mark Show's picks: Niners, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams
Bamadawg's picks: San Fran, Hawks, Arizona, St. Louis
BoozeRob's picks: San Fran, Clemons is a queer, St. Louis, Pom Pom Pete's Pussy Patrol
NFC North
I'm happy Brett Favre is back. There I said it. I'm not happy about all the coverage he's already gotten, no no. I'm happy because it is going to be so god damn fun watching him crash and burn this year. Last year was a fucking fairy tale for that bastard. Pretty much everything went right for him and the Vikings. Well, up until the final minute of the NFC Championship anyway.
Man that puts a smile on my face. I enjoyed Peyton's pick six to lose the Super Bowl more, but that Favre interception was awesome too. Anyway, like I was saying, everything went perfectly last year. It so fucking annoying. This year is going to be great. Favre is already getting injections in his ankle and bitching about the pain. His favorite target, Sidney Rice, is out for at least half the season after having hip surgery. His other favorite target, Percy Harvin, has some weird issue with migraines and there's no telling when he's going to miss playing time. It's all heading towards a massive Favre implosion that is going to be spectacular to watch. My only hope is that he throws another pick as his last pass of the season so it'll be four years in a row of that. Whether it's in the playoffs or the regular season, I don't care. And then we can (hopefully) finally say good riddance.
As for the rest of the division, the Packers should run away with things and lock up one of the top 2 seeds in the conference and a first-round bye. I don't see Mike Martz helping Jay Cutler at all. Cutler just doesn't have the mental abilities to be the great QB that everyone thinks he'll be based on his arm strength alone. And now he's "dating" Kristin Cavalleri? I would not be excited for this season if I were a Bears fan. Detroit should be improved over last season, and obviously the 0-16 season before that, but they're still the Lions and they're still going to finish last in the division.
The Mark Show's picks: Packers, Vikings, Bears, Lions
Bamadawg's picks: Packers, *Vikings*, Bears, Lions
BoozeRob's picks: Vikings, *Bamadawg can eat a dick*, Bears, Lions
NFC South
Let's just take a moment and enjoy Tracy Porter's Super Bowl interception, huh?
Ahhhh, that's good shit.
A lot of people are predicting a Super Bowl hangover for the Saints. And it's not a crazy prediction by any means. They toppled Peyton Manning, brought New Orleans the city's first ever championship, and then spent the summer celebrating their asses off. Also, Don Banks pointed out today that since the Patriots beat Jacksonville in the playoffs the season after they won their 3rd Super Bowl, no SB winning team has managed to win a playoff game the following year. Kind of a crazy statistic. So no one would begrudge the Saints if they somewhat shit the bed this season. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Drew Brees is too good, and Sean Payton really impresses me as a coach. I think between the two of them, they'll have the team ready to roll to another division title.
Atlanta has the chance to challenge them but I think ultimately they'll end up settling for a wild card spot. Carolina is being floated around as a sleeper team by some NFL writers but I just don't see it. Matt Moore was serviceable in his playing time last year but as with all quarterbacks, things get a lot harder once opponents get their hands on a bunch of game film and exploit your weaknesses. Moore, combined with what is going to be an awful defense, are going to keep this team from making any noise in the division. I'm not even going to bother talking about Tampa Bay.
The Mark Show's picks: Saints, *Falcons*, Panthers, Bucs
Bamadawg's picks: Atlanta, *New Orleans*, Carolina, Tampa Bay
BoozeRob's picks: New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina
NFC East
And finally, the annoying NFC East. Once again being touted by some as the best division in football, which is bullshit. The Cowboys are legit, but the Eagles and Giants both have big question marks, and I think the Redskins are going to be a disaster.
Donovan McNabb is not the savior people are making him out to be, and neither is Mike Shanahan. Shanahan won what? One playoff game after Elway retired? And he didn't win shit with Elway until Terrel Davis arrived. Let's also not forget about how things turned out when another former Super Bowl-winning coach returned to the Redskins when Joe Gibbs made his painful-to-watch comeback a few years ago. Throw in the ugly Albert Haynesworth situation and I just can't see the Redskins having much success this year.
Philly's fate obviously rests in the hands of Kevin Kolb and his transition to the starter this year. I think he'll do well enough to get Philly a wild card spot with weapons like DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy to take some of the pressure off of him.
I don't really have anything to say about the Giants except for that it was awesome watching Eli Manning get JACKED UP in that first preseason game.
The Mark Show's picks: Cowboys, *Eagles*, Giants, Redskins
Bamadawg's picks: Dallas, Giants, Philly, Skins
BoozeRob's picks: Dallas, *Giants*, Redskins, Philly
We'll be back tomorrow with a rundown of the AFC. Get excited, people! It's almost football season!
Monday, July 26, 2010
MMFU: Eff 600
Thursday, July 8, 2010
F--k Lebron James
Even if he announces he's returning to Cleveland he's still a gigantic, gaping asshole. And if he doesn't return to Cleveland? Holy fucking shit. That would be the biggest fuck you to an entire city of all time.
Lebron didn't need all this time to make a decision. You can't tell me he hasn't had his mind made up this entire time. So why the fucking drama? Because he's an absolute dickhead, that's why.
To me, there's something telling about how no marquee players have come to Cleveland the past few years. And that's because everything has to be about Lebron. Win a championship? It's all about Lebron. Don't win a championship? It's about how Lebron wasn't surrounded by the talent he needed to win. It's about how the coach sucks. It's about how the GM is no good. It's all fucking bullshit.
It's also complete bullshit that he's giving the advertising money to charity for this one hour blowjob tonight. Hey asshole, you're worth a shit ton of money. You wanna give to charity? Then fucking give to charity. I guarantee you could give more on your own than is going to be produced by the show tonight. Fucking dick.
I hope he returns to Cleveland. And then I hope he fucking fails miserably and never wins a title. His legacy is, in my opinion, forever tarnished by this bullshit. If I were a Cavs fan I'm not sure how I'd be able to throw my full support behind him. It's his home state, practically his home town and he's treating it like ass. Fuck him. And if he goes to Miami or Chicago, well congratulations, he had to sell his soul and ditch his home state. Way to go, douche. You're the self-proclaimed "King" and you had to go somewhere else to win a title? Fuck you.
Lebron is an over hyped bastard. As a Cleveland Indians fan, I would love for the city to win a championship in any sport. But seriously, fuck Lebron James. This shit makes the Brett Favre stuff make me happy to hear about Brett Favre. And that REALLY pisses me off. Call me when Lebron wins a title. At 9 pm EST tonight I'll be doing something else besides watching this asshole jerk off to himself.
Fuck Lebron James. And fuck ESPN for allowing this bullshit on their airwaves.
Monday, June 28, 2010
MMFU: This Weekend Was Awesome
1. Fuck Yeah: Hanging out and boozing with friends from college all weekend
Earlier in the week one of my best friends had his 30th birthday. He's the first in my group of friends to hit the dreaded milestone and his wife organized a surprise weekend for him at a condo up on Lake Winnipesaukee. I arrived first, early in the afternoon and as the day went on, 3 more of our friends, all of whom were in my wedding party, showed up with their wives as well. A 5:45am wakeup call to golf on Saturday didn't stop us from boozing until almost 3am shooting the shit, busting each other's balls and just generally having a great time. Like I said in Friday's post, that type of shit hardly ever happens anymore so we all wanted to take advantage.
Golfing on 3 hours of sleep? Fucking awesome. Cigars at 8am? Fucking awesome. Hanging out without the wives around? Earmuffs, ladies...fucking awesome. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had shaved 2 measly strokes off of my round to break 100. Fucking 101. Probably shouldn't have 4-putted that one hole. Balls.
After golf it was back to the condo for lunch and then beach time. It was cloudy and windy but so fucking what? It was still awesome. Watching the soccer game? Not so awesome, but we'll get to that later. The big birthday BBQ/Luau? You guessed it! Fucking awesome. All in all, just a kickass weekend that needs to happen way more often than it actually does. Getting old fucking blows.
2. Fuck You: The Soccer Game
Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? A goal in the 6th minute to start the game and then a goal in the 3rd minute of overtime? What the fuck? And can we get someone on the damn team who can actually finish? Jesus christ, put it in the back of the damn net, jerks!
I never felt comfortable about this US team's chances for one reason: Bob Bradley looks WAY too much like Dick Jauron. It depressed me every time they showed him because thoughts of Jauron's incompetence leaped into my brain instantly. You can't win with the stink of Jauron in the mix.
I know the diving and flopping and stalling and all that bullshit is part of soccer and it's probably not going to change anytime soon but the end of that game was a god damn disgrace. Hey ref, how about carding those fuckers to get them to stop with the bullshit for a little bit, huh? Everyone in the fucking world knew exactly what they were doing and I'm sure you did too. For god's sake that one piece of shit dropped dead after doing a bicycle kick with no one within 10 feet of him, laid there like a corpse, got taken off on a stretcher, and then immediately hopped up and walked around on the sidelines. That is fucking ridiculous. And the dude who scored the winning goal? He stopped play at the end of regulation because he got "kicked" in the chest and "couldn't" get up. And when he finally did get up after play was stopped he clutched his chest like Jack Bauer had just taken an axe to it. Poor thing. So what does he do after he scored a goal 5 minutes later? The motherfucker starts pounding his chest with his fist, a la Kevin Garnett. So I guess the "injury" wasn't that bad, huh?
The entire tournament is being marred by shitty officiating and the pathetic flopping. That kind of stuff was fine back in the day but now we've reached the point where tv coverage is so good that we get to see every replay multiple times and can see that a lot of the calls being made are complete bullshit. And we can see just how badly these assholes are diving to get calls from the officials. Unfortunately, FIFA seems content to just keep their eyes closed and their ears plugged and ignore the massive amount of criticism that is headed in their direction. Fucking assholes.
3. Fuck Yeah: Scotch!
I've discussed before how I'm effectively banned from having scotch, deservedly so. But this weekend? I had some! And it was fucking good! Next scotch appointment? August 9th. MY 30th birthday. I can already taste it. Mmmmmm.
4. Fuck You: Mosquitoes
God damn piece of shit bloodsuckers. I'm all kinds of itchy today because of you little fucks. And the most annoying part is that yesterday I wasn't itchy at all so I thought I had somehow escaped the weekend without being bitten. Yeah, not quite. Bur.
5. Fuck Yeah AND Fuck You: Cornhole, Ladder Golf, Washer Toss
Fuck Yeah because I fucking LOVE playing games like these. Especially cornhole. It's the type of stupid, random activity that I generally kick ass at. So after talking shit about the last time we were all together and Wifey and I went undefeated in cornhole you can probably guess what happened. Got fucking destroyed. It didn't help that my partner (not Wifey) was god damn worthless and didn't score a single point but still, not a good showing. Then it was time for ladder golf with Wifey as my partner and not only did we blow an early lead and lose, but she scored more points than me. Annoying. Yet still fun as shit.
6. Fuck Yeah: Baby Mark Show
5 total hours of driving with no stops because Baby Mark Show was perfectly behaved on both rides. Clutch sleeping at night in a house full of people with no crying to wake anyone up. Well behaved the entire weekend. Flirting his ass off with the girl baby who was there. Pretty much a no-hitter for Baby Mark Show. And he didn't even need 149 pitches like Edwin Jackson. Bravo, little buddy.
And to wrap things up, I know I said it before, but I'm saying it again...this weekend was fucking awesome.