Dorn of the Week Nominee: Roger Goodell

Fucking Roger Goodell. Are you serious with this ridiculous $20,000 fine for Ochocinco? That is some major fucking bullshit there. If you can find me one person, just one, that actually believes Ocho was seriously trying to bribe that official then I'll shut my mouth, but you can't, and that's why this fine is complete shit. I get it, you don't want anyone questioning the integrity of your officials and all that but jesus fucking christ. Lighten up a little, huh? It was a fucking ONE dollar bill. What's makes this especially puke worthy is the fact that Ocho was fined and DeAngelo Hall wasn't fined for trying to fucking fight Mike Smith on the sidelines in Atlanta. So congrats, Roger, the No Fun League lives on. Great.

By the way, in every picture of Goodell he looks like he's giving some condescending scolding to a 5-year old or something. Dude's a fucking prick.

College Football Picks 'O The Week!

So I guess I was moderately successful last Saturday picking 3 of 4 right only losing on fucking Penn State laying an egg against the Buckeyes. Good news is that I'm sitting pretty at 8-4. That's right, I'm fucking bowl eligible. Everyone who told me it was impossible to turn it around can eat a steaming pile of BamaDawg's shit.

But I digress, we are here for one reason... COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS!

Fuck yeah!

#16 Utah @ #4 TCU
The "Hey everyone look at us!" Bowl, Part II.
7:30 PM ET, No TV. Are you surprised? Who gives a fuck?

Line: TCU -17.5

Well ESPN Gameday makes yet another trip to the Mountain West Conference to try their best to hype up a game that no one outside of the MWC really gives a fuck about.

Seriously, who cares? Well I do. Why? Because TCU fucking sucks. I hate TCU.

I know this one asshole from TCU who tells everyone about how he has his MBA from TCU and just spouts off endless bullshit that no one gives two shits about. This fucking guy says in 17 paragraphs what a regular person says in two words.

Furthermore, how the fuck is a frog intimidating? Who decided it would be a good idea to have a god damn frog leading the charge each weekend? Oh you put horns on it, now its tough! Look the fuck out. You know who else like frogs? The fucking French. TCU is the fucking France of College Football. Congrats you frog fucks.


It also appears that Frogs are the zoo's dirty little bitch.




And then there's this one...



Unfortunately, I think the chimp blowing Frenchy Frogs win.

TCU 35 - Utah 10

Idaho @ #6 Boise State
RIVALRY GAME
3:30 PM ET, ESPNU

Line: Boise State -28

Why am I commenting on this game? Two reasons. One, I grew up in Idaho and still root for Boise State despite their fans turning into annoying assholes like the douche bags from Gonzaga. Two, UW beat Idaho earlier this year. So my thinking is if Idaho couldn't be a UW team that sucks dick, then how the fuck are they going to beat Boise State? Oh that's right... it's a rivalry! Anything can happen in a rivalry!

Well not this rivalry.

Boise State hasn't lost to Idaho since 1998 when the Vandal's squeaked one out in overtime. If the Vandal's secondary couldn't handle the offense of UW, then I don't see anyway that they could possibly stop Kellen Moore and the rest of the Bronco onslaught.

My favorite part of this game is going to be the post game bitching on Facebook where a number of my Vandal friends are going to say some stupid shit about "Donkey State" and complain about how they got fucked by the ref's or some dumb shit.

Let's get this out of the way early Vandal fans... FUCK YOU!

Boise State 45 - Idaho 13

Notre Dame @ #12 Pittsburgh
Can Charlie survive a trip to the field named for his favorite condiment?
8:pm ET, ABC From Heinz Field!

Line: Pitt -7

Charlie Cheeseburger and his enormous gunt roll into the home of the Pittsburgh Steelers this week to take on Dave Wannstedt's #12 Panthers. More importantly this is just another step in Charlie Weis's death march as the Domers waddle to another non-BCS season.

This game features not one but two premier QB's in ND's Jimmy "Speedo" Clausen and Pitt's little known Bill Stull. While that sounds like a recipe for a shootout, I'm betting this one stays close until the 4th quarter (or as Charlie knows it, time for pizza) until the Panther running game completely wears out ND.

Yeah Charlie, that's just another nail in your coffin.

Pitt 24 - ND 14



GAME OF THE WEEK:
#10 Iowa @ #11 Ohio State
Inside track for the Roses is on the line in Columbus.

3:30 PM ET, ABC

Line: Ohio State -17

After Terrelle Pryor made me look like a dick last week by dismantling Penn State, I would have been tempted to suck it up and just take Ohio State this week over the Hawkeyes. Now with Iowa coming off a loss to Northwestern and without their starting QB Ricky Stanzi, I think this one is going to be a fucking laugher.

It's going to take a titanic effort from the defense if Iowa hopes to pull this one out at the Horseshoe. Iowa currently ranks 82nd in the NCAA in total offense and well over half of that came from Stanzi's arm. Can backup QB James Vandenberg lead the Hawkeyes to a win? I will eat BamaDawg's shit if they do. There is no fucking chance.

Look for Pryor and the rest of the Buckeyes to roll.

tOSU 28 - Iowa 6


See you next week fuckers!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 10

Am I a fucking prophet or what? Ok, so it wasn't a pick 6 that sealed the game and the cover but it WAS a pick. So I'm counting it. But seriously, did you see that fucking game? Holy shit what a suckfest. Thank god I was tired and shut it off at halftime because that 2nd half must have been just brutal to watch. Whatever. A win's a win and I'll take it. And since Crabtree didn't find the endzone. Fuck him.

Ok, on to the rest of this week's games.

Home team in CAPS.

NEW YORK JETS (-7) over Jacksonville
Fucking CBS. Instead of showing the awesome matchup of Bengals-Steelers, I'm getting this stupid game. Assholes. Anyway, I would have loved to take the Jags here but I just have a feeling that Jets are going to get a blowout win to build their confidence before next week's trip to Foxboro. And no doubt they'll be yapping it the fuck up like the assholes they are. Fuck Mark Sanchez. Fuck Rex Ryan. Fuck the Jets. But they're winning this game handily.

Denver (-4) over WASHINGTON
Wow this line is low. Has Vegas seen what's been going on with the Redskins? Look for Denver to end their losing streak here. If I were a Skins fan I'd take the time to make a sign just so I'd have a story about it getting confiscated by Dan Snyder's storm troopers. Fucking Nazi.

PITTSBURGH (-7) over Cincinnati
Oh how I would love to take the Bengals here. I fucking loathe the Steelers. I just can't shake the feeling that the Steelers blow the fuck out of the Bengals and reclaim the throne in the AFC North. I still think Cincy is going to the playoffs but they're going to get knocked down a peg before hitting an easy run on their schedule in the next few weeks. Also, look for a Dorn of the Week nomination for Roger Goodell and the NFL for fining Ochocinco 20 grand for his little "bribe" stunt last week. That is fucking bullshit. It was one fucking dollar and it was god damn hilarious since the Ravens are so prone to bitching about the officials. Lighten the fuck up.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Buffalo
Buffalo fucking sucks. T.O. might not play. And the Titans are finally showing some signs of life. Vince Young might not be the stud he was in college but I still think he can get shit done and Chris Johnson has been running wild lately and will continue to do so this week.

MINNESOTA (-17) over Detroit
They can't make this line high enough. Minnesota is coming off a bye and Detroit...well, we know they're fucking terrible. Add to that the fact that Stafford is supposedly feuding with Megatron and we've got all the makings of a shitbeating. And of course, the fuckhead Brett Favre will be awesome again and the media will suck his dick all week for the millionth time.

New Orleans (-14) over ST. LOUIS
Another line that can't be high enough. I know the Saints have gotten off to slow starts the last few weeks but holy jebus, it's the fucking Rams! The Saints are going to roll to 12-0 before the Pats come to town.

Atlanta (-2) over CAROLINA
I find it amazing that Cutler leads the league in interceptions over Delhomme. It's true! But that doesn't change the fact that Delhomme is fucking awful. Honestly, if this game were in Atlanta I'd probably take the Panthers, but since Delhomme fucking sucks at home and is going to be booed at the first sign of his inevitable incompetence I'm rolling with the Falcons. Hopefully we get another sideline scuffle and the two Smiths (Mike and Steve) can slug it out.

MIAMI (-10) over Tampa Bay
Suicide pick alert! I'm running out of good teams to take in my suicide pool. I swear to god I'll take an underdog before this is over, but not yet. Miami is better than their record indicates (I fucking hate saying that) and the Bucs are probably still sucking each other off after last week's improbable win. On another note, how fucking pathetic is this Gatorade bath thing getting? First the Rams dumped the bucket on Steve Spagnuolo a couple weeks ago and now Raheem Morris got the same treatment last week. That's how you know your franchise fucking sucks. I don't give a shit if it's the coach's first victory as a head coach. Have some fucking respect for yourselves.

Kansas City (+2) over OAKLAND
See? I told you I'd take an underdog! Not that I have any confidence in this pick whatsoever. What a shitty game.

ARIZONA (-9) over Seattle
Okay, Cardinals. Time to fucking lock it up at home. Yeah, your 4-0 record on the road is nice and everything, but fuck, I still can't believe you lost to Carolina at home two weeks ago. If Kurt Warner can't beat the shit out of the Seahawks this weekend I fully expect him to renounce his faith.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Philadelphia
This line has been taken off the board at bodog.com. What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm completely flabbergasted by that. The Chargers are on a nice little run right now, and if they want to have any chance of catching the Broncos in the AFC West they need to win this game. Also, if Tomlinson scores more fantasy points than Crabtree and the difference costs me a win I'm going to be fucking pissed. Fucking Tomlinson. I knew it was a mistake to take him in the first round of my new keeper league this year but I did it anyway and it's been haunting me ever since. Fuck.

GREEN BAY (+3) over Dallas
The Cowboys are riding a little too high after their win at Philly and Tony Romo is due for a nice 3 pick game that brings all the doubters back out of the woodwork. I'm excited. Note to Aaron Rodgers: Throw the fucking ball before Demarcus Ware sacks your ass! As long as he does that we should see the Packers win.

New England (+3) over INDIANAPOLIS
This line opened at 2.5. Really? Enough people are betting on the Colts to move the line to 3? Obviously this is a ginormous game with first round bye implications on the line. Everyone is talking about how the Colts' secondary has been weakened by injuries to Bob Sanders and company. However, Sanders only played in 2 games before going on season ending IR last week and still the Colts' D has been playing well all year. But they haven't had their rookie CBs tested against the likes of Brady, Moss, and Welker. This game is gonna be a slugfest and I can't fucking wait for it. For all the hype about Brady and Manning, I think this game is going to come down to the matchup between Dwight Freeney and rookie Sebastian Vollmer, filling in for injured Matt Light. Vollmer is a fucking beast and I think he contains Freeney enough for Brady to take advantage of the Indy secondary. LET'S GO PATS!

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND
The Browns are a fucking mess. The Ravens are pissed off after an embarrassing display last week and Cleveland is the perfect team for them to stomp on to take out that aggression.

Posterized!

Fuck yeah! I just had to post this clip of Dwyane Wade completely destroying that mop-headed fuck Anderson Varejao. Boom! Take that, Sideshow Bob! I fucking hate that guy.

Boo! I'm a ghost!

Notice anything.... weird? No, that's not a ghost. That's former Chicago Cub Sammy Sosa sporting his new albino look at last weeks Latin Grammy's.

So I gotta ask.... What in the mother fucking fuck happened to Sammy fucking Sosa???? Why does he suddenly look like Michael Jackson? Did Michael's death leave some void in the universe that could only be filled by another black guy with bleached skin?

What in the fuck!

After hearing that his new look caused a ruckus making black men everywhere question humanity, Sammy quickly blamed his white skin on "extremely bright lights" and denied any sort of treatment to make his skin appear lighter. In fact, Sammy claims that if you saw him in person you could barely tell the difference!

Bright lights huh? That's the best you got? I'm sorry Sammy, but when did they decide to hold the Latin Grammy's on the surface of the fucking sun?

NFL Quick Pick

Well, we've got an NFL game tonight and I'm entirely too lazy to write my picks column a day early, so we'll just do a little quickie pick and do the usual post tomorrow. Deal? Deal.

SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5) over Chicago
I fucking hate giving up that half-point here so I'm hoping that a late San Fran 3-point lead turns into a game-clinching pick 6 from Cutler's sulky ass to give me the cover. Also, I'm starting Crabtree on my fantasy team for the first time this week so that holdout mother fucker better find the god damn endzone. And please, for the love of god, let San Fran win so that fuckhead Gregg Easterbrook will shut the fuck up about the 'Curse of Crabtree.' He'll probably mention it no matter what, though, because once he finds an angle, no matter how pointless, tired, or fucking stupid, he'll ride that shit into the ground for the rest of the fucking season and perhaps beyond (see: Spygate). He's a fucking douche.

Hey Rob Neyer: Go Fuck Yourself

I don't know how I stumbled across a Rob Neyer article today on espn.com. I probably haven't read anything that dipshit has written in years, because he's a stat geek whose articles mainly seem to consist of VORPs, UZRs, and a bunch of numbers so he can prove to us how smart he is. "See?? I threw out acronyms and numbers that you can barely comprehend and/or cause you headaches because of their impossibility to follow! That means I'm smart!"

Anyways, this fucktard decided to blog his comments on the AL Gold Glove winners that were announced today. Namely, he took issue with Derek Jeter, Mark Teixeira, and Joe Mauer winning Gold Gloves. He even took a slight dig at Torii Hunter and Ichiro winning Gold Gloves as well, which completely flabbergasts me. Sure, Hunter is a fucking moron who can't keep his mouth shut, and maybe he's a LITTLE overrated, but find me two better defensive outfielders at their respective positions than Hunter and Ichiro. Franklin Gutierrez probably should have won for CF's, but it's pretty fucking tough to be pissed at Hunter winning. And Jeter definitely was not the best defensive shortstop in baseball, so I have no problem with his griping there.

My problems are his comments about Teixeira. In his blog, he says Tex was probably a solid defender, but was not the best first baseman in the league. In Neyer's fucked up opinion, he had Kevin Youkilis as the Gold Glove winner for 1B. That's right, he had that fat piece of shit, who only played HALF THE SEASON (81 games) at first base, as a Gold Glover. Tip to Rob: watch the fucking games. Yes, your fucking sabermetric stats have some place in the game, but so does actually watching what fucking happens. Tex played twice as many games at the position as Youk, and solidified an infield that you yourself essentially admitted was inferior to that of Youk's (since Pedroia deserve a GG at 2B and Jeter was so undeserving). But hey, glad to see you're a believer in the Raffy Palmeiro corollary. And thanks for reminding me why I should never read anything you ever write ever again.