Well that was a fun little game last night, huh? Well, ok, it was sloppy as shit but who fucking cares. Football is back!
Home team in caps, using lines from ESPN
Miami (-3.5) over BUFFALO
I'd like this one better if I weren't giving up that half point but fuck it, Buffalo sucks. I'm actually surprised Miami isn't favored by more in this game. It's not like Buffalo has much of a homefield advantage anyway, but this early in the year when the weather is still warm, they don't have shit.
CHICAGO (-6.5) over Detroit
I would love to take Detroit in this game. They're going to be tougher this year than they have in years past. However, as much as I think the Cutler-Martz combo is going to crash and burn over the course of the year, I also think they're going to get off to a hot start, if only to tease Bears fans. Also, it's early in the season so Julius Peppers is probably going to be playing hard and will harass Stafford all day.
Oakland (+6.5) over TENNESSEE
Tennessee wins the game but Oakland keeps it pretty close. Vince Young can't throw the ball for shit anyway and Nnamdi is only going to make things more difficult for him. I just hope Chris Johnson doesn't go completely insane in this one. He's terrifying to face in fantasy, and you can guess who I'm going against this week. Also, I guess the fact that they're playing this game means they dried out the Titans' field after that ridiculous flooding. That was nuts.
NEW ENGLAND (-5.5) over Cincinnati
Tom Brady is happy with his new contract and a happy Tom Brady makes me happy. In the pants. Also, Randy Moss is pissed off and ready to prove to everyone that he's still capable of earning one more big contract. He's going to have a monster year. And guess who's going to be in attendance at Gillette on Sunday? The Mark Show! Fuck yeah! Bottom line here is that the Pats aren't going to lose a home opener AND they've never lost a game when I've been there. How's THAT for a jinx? Fuck.
NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Carolina
That line seems awfully high for a Giants team that got blown out 400 to nothing in their final game last year. So of course I'm taking them. I'm a fucking idiot.
PITTSBURGH (+2.5) over Atlanta
Is Dennis Dixon really that awful that the Steelers are getting points at home? I say no. They'll pick up the win here on their way to 2-2 before The Rapist returns.
Cleveland (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY
Other than quarterback Josh Freeman I can't name one player on the Bucs off the top of my head. That's not a good sign. Actually, other than Delhomme I don't think I can name anyone on the Browns either. Jesus. Either I'm slipping in my old age (30!) or these teams really really blow. Maybe it's both. Getting old sucks. Also, I got kicked out of the bed last night because I rolled over on to Baby Mark Show. Oops.
Denver (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE
I swear to god I heard on talk radio the other day that Maurice Jones-Drew is hurt. Is that true? I'm far too lazy to look it up. Well, if it is true, the Jags are truly fucked. Even against the Broncos. This game is annoying because no matter what happens, Peter King is going blather on and on about what Tim Tebow did or didn't do in MMQB.
Indianapolis (-3.5) at HOUSTON
No god damn way I'm taking the Texans over the Colts until they actually beat them once. Until then I'm taking the Colts and not thinking twice about it. Although if the Colts lose right away it would spare us from having to listen to debates about whether or not they should try for an undefeated season when they're 14-0. Fucking pussies.
San Francisco (-2.5) at SEATTLE
Bill Simmons picked the Niners to go 13-3. He's batshit crazy. And fucking annoying. Did you read that piece of shit Simbotics column yesterday? "Here's my system. It's foolproof and works every time. Unless it doesn't. Then you fucked up somehow. But it wasn't the system!" Jackass.
Green Bay (-1.5) over PHILADELPHIA
The Kevin Kolb Era begins. My guess is we get halfway through the 2nd quarter before the boos fill the stadium. The Packers are going to jump all over them. I'm picking too many road teams, though.
ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Arizona
There, that's better. Wait, no it's not. I just picked the fucking Rams! I don't care, though. For whatever reason, I like rookie quarterbacks in the first game of the season. Just seems like they always come out hot and get everyone excited before the season wears on and teams actually have game film to scout. I have no statistical evidence to back this up. I just know I picked Sanchez and the Jets in their first game last year (on the road!) and they came through, so it has to be true! Unless it isn't.
Dallas (-3.5) at WASHINGTON
Donovan McNabb plays poorly and Redskins fans freak the fuck out. You gotta love Skins fans. They seriously think their team is one of the elite franchises in the NFL, even though that hasn't been true since 1991.
Baltimore (+3.5) over NEW YORK JETS
Another fan base that is going to be freaking the fuck out all week. That's gonna be fun. And look, I loved Hard Knocks just as much as anyone else, but the end, with Revis coming back? Made me want to fucking puke. This asshole, with three years left on his contract, held out for the entire preseason before finally getting his deal done. Hey, fine, he was underpaid. But the Jets, and Hard Knocks, welcomed him back like he was a fucking war hero, or someone coming back from a devastating injury. It was pretty pathetic. You can keep your goose bump music and slow clap, thank you very much.
San Diego (-5.5) over KANSAS CITY
The stupid 2nd Monday Night Football game to open the year. I really don't get why they do this. The ratings are always fucking terrible, they throw a shitty announcing squad at the game, and the teams generally blow. I guess it's a little better this year, but still. Fucking stupid.
Have an awesome Sunday, everyone.
