Oh praise motherfucking Jebus the season is here! Let's jump right in to the AFC preview.
AFC West
God, why do the West divisions in both conferences suck so much? San Diego should win this division but it's not going to be the runaway it was last year. They're missing a few key players due to holdouts and injuries, especially Vincent Jackson, who is Philip Rivers' best receiver by far. First he's sitting out a nice little 3-game suspension for something that I don't feel like looking up, and after that he's planning on holding out over a contract dispute. He's also on my fantasy roster so I'm a little torn on this one. One one hand, quit being a jackass and catch some touchdowns for my fantasy team, jerk! On the other hand, anything that hurts one of the conference's better teams is fucking fine by me. Although my hate for the Chargers has dropped immensely since they cut that piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fuck him.
The Broncos are interesting because Josh McDaniels is all over the place with his personnel moves, trading Cutler and Marshall, drafting Tebow, signing Brady freaking Quinn. While I don't think Tebow will see much time at quarterback this year other than goal line situations, I do think he's going to be a solid NFL player. Booze disagrees. We have a bottle of scotch riding on it. I just can't remember what the timeline for the bet is. Help me out, Booze.
Oakland and Kansas City should both be better than they have in previous years but I still don't think they're going to do anything significant. I mean, it's the Raiders and Chiefs for god's sake. And don't let Bill Simmons tell you any different when he picks his sleeper team for this season. He's full of shit.
The Mark Show's picks: San Diego, Denver, KC, Oakland
Bamadawg's picks: San Diego, Denver, Oakland, KC
BoozeRob's picks: San Diego, Oakland, Denver, KC
AFC North
Alright, we've got the rapists, the (alleged) murderers, a whole slew of criminals.....and the Browns. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.
The Ravens are this year's popular pick to go to the Super Bowl from the AFC. I'm not so sure. I'd like to see Joe Flacco perform in a big game before I pencil them in as AFC champs. And let's not forget that their secondary might be the worst of any contender besides the Pats, and even that's assuming that Ed Reed comes back in week 7 after sitting out on the PUP list for the first 6 games. Still, I think they win the division, especially with the huge upgrade at receiver with Boldin and Housh.
I think the Steelers will be fine. They're gonna go 2-2 while Rapelisberger sits out his suspension and then get things working once he returns. They're annoying like that. They are going to miss Santonio Holmes, though.
Cincinnati is going to fall back to the pack after that random division title last year. I still can't believe they swept both the Steelers and the Ravens. No fucking way that happens again.
The Mark Show's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincinnati, Cleveland
Bamadawg's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincy, Mark's team he abandoned for the Pats
BoozeRob's picks: Baltimore, *Cincy*, The Fightin' Dennis Dixons, Holmgren's Homos
AFC South
Oh did I post that yesterday? My bad. I must have forgotten.
Anyway, as much as I'd love for Indy to suffer from the Super Bowl loser curse thing and miss the playoffs, there's just no way it's happening. While Manning may choke his fat face off in the playoffs, he's still going to lead the Colts to like 12 wins and another division title. Whoopie.
Tennessee MIGHT be able to give the Colts a little pressure this year. Remember they went 8-2 once they finally benched Kerry Collins' drunk ass. I don't think Chris Johnson will have the insane season he did last year but that guy is still an animal and Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league so I expect Tennessee to at least make this division sort of interesting.
Houston will finish 8-8 again, miss the playoffs again, and at this time next year everyone will be talking about how this is the year the Texans finally get over the hump, again. Lather, rinse, repeat, everybody.
Who is the other team in this division?........................Oh, Jacksonville! (Seriously that took me 5 minutes to think of because I didn't want to cave and look it up) Anyway, let's just say that when people are talking about drafting Tim Tebow so that your team can sell tickets....it's probably not a good sign for your upcoming season. Or your franchise in general.
The Mark Show's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville
Bamadawg's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville
BoozeRob's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville
AFC East
Ok so Buffalo sucks. They might win 2 games. Might. Let's just move on to the 3-horse race in this division.
Miami, the bane of my weekly picks existence, made a significant offseason acquisition in getting Brandon Marshall. I'm still not sure what made him lose his mind during training camp last year but once the season started he still put up big numbers, just like he has every year of his career. And now, playing for a new team, looking to make a good impression, look out. Except that he has Chad Henne throwing him the ball for a team that is still its best when the ball is Ronnie Brown's hands. Brown and Ricky Williams should again lead a solid rushing attack, and wildcat, that, combined with a solid defense, will make the Dolphins a tough team to beat.
Once the Jets get Santonio Holmes back from his suspension they'll finally have someone who actually catches the ball lined up opposite of Braylon "Hands" Edwards. Well, he'll catch the ball if Sanchez can put it in his general vicinity anyway. Sanchez has looked like absolute DOGSHIT in preseason and all throughout Hard Knocks, which was a fucking outstanding show this year. It would make things a lot easier if Rex Ryan weren't so likable. Fucking fatass blowhard. Luckily, they're still the Jets, so they're easily hateable, AND they brought in piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fucking guy. I still can't believe the first thing he did when he signed with the Jets was to get a tattoo of the Jets logo on his calf. Tell me that's not a douchebag thing to do? Seriously, try to come up with any explanation for that without calling Tomlinson a douchebag. It's fucking unpossible. Fucking Ladanian Tomlinson. And fuck Revis for caving. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE MONEY!
And now, the Patriots.
The Good: Brady's knee is finally fully healthy, as are his ribs and finger that was bothering him at the end of the season last year. Wes Welker is somehow ready for opening day, indicating that he's some sort of bionic freak. Rob Gronkowski (GRONK), Aaron Hernandez and Brandon Tate provide three new weapons for Brady to throw to. It looks like Belichick has finally had enough of Maroney tap-dancing into the line of scrimmage. They still have Brady and Belichick. Brady is so fired up for the season that he's fucking ramming vans with his Audi at 6:30 in the morning before practice.
The Bad: They lost Ty Warren for the season (Fuck!), the secondary, the defense in general.
This team is going to have to score a fuckload of points, especially early in the season, to win games. The young defense should get better as the year goes along and hopefully hit its stride going into the playoffs.
Basically this division comes down to whether or not you buy the hype on the Jets. I don't. They're 8-8 waiting to happen, even with Revis, who had the best season possibly ever for a CB. He'll still be very good, obviously, but he won't be AS good. And that makes a difference. Until someone besides the Pats wins the division while Brady is the QB, I'm taking the Pats.
The Mark Show's picks: Pats, *Dolphins*, Jets, Bills
Bamadawg's picks: Jets, *Pats*, Dolphins, Bills
BoozeRob's picks: Jets, *Fuck off, Mark!*, Dolphins, Bills
And now for tonight's quick pick!
(Using the line from ESPN's pigskin pick 'em)
NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Minnesota
The Super Bowl champ has won the last 10 opening night games. I'm excited to see if the Saints go after Favre as viciously as they did in the NFC championship game and if the Vikings retaliate at all. It's gonna be fun as shit to watch. Also, this is my suicide pick for the week. I'm not sure I've ever seen an opening slate of games with no clear suicide pick. Fucking brutal. Last year I lasted all 17 weeks. Let's hope I make it past week 1 this year.
FOOTBALL, BABY!
