College Football Picks O' The Week!

Holy shit! I was 3-1 last week. Big fuck you to USC for ruining my perfect weekend. What this means is that I'm 5-3 for the year.. you could say I'm the fucking Seattle Mariners of picking college football. If you did, I would kick you squarely in the face. Don't think I could do it? Well fuck you, last night I had a dream I was in the UFC. My record? 2-0. That's right... 2 and fucking 0. I beat the first fuck with a triangle choke then I demolished the the second asshole in a fight I'm pretty sure was ripped off from Rocky V. You remember the street fight against Tommy Gunn right? Well that was me complete with Rocky's spinning trip maneuver. I'm pretty sure I even had the montage where Drago killed my BFF.






YOU TOUCH ME I SUE!

Anyway, back to my shitty football picks. Once again as always, if you gamble with my picks you deserve to fucking die.... and you owe me 50% of your winnings.

#16 Ohio State at #11 Penn State
The Battle for Terrelle Pryor's Vagina
3:30 PM ET, ABC

Line: Penn State -5

"The crowd is going to be against us, especially against me," Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor said of a showdown with Big Ten title implications.

Terrelle Pryor (pictured right in his sexy blue undies) is a genius. Who would think that the whole crowd would be against him in a road game? There might be a long list of reasons why this guy is College Football's most overrated QB, but being sharp as a tack isn't one of them. I heard if you put down a page of first grade math questions in front of Professor Terrelle, the fucker can have them done for you within a week. A fucking week! How can you compete with that?

Well the crowd has some ideas... call him Terrelle "Cry-er". Oh shit! No they didn't! This game is about to cross the line. When did it become appropriate to mock someones last name? That really fucking stings. What better way to really get back at the local boy who picked a team from Ohio over the hometown Nittany Lions.

Won't someone think of the children?

ESPN is billing this game as a Big 10 Title elimination game with the loser surely to be out of the run for the Roses. Neither team really has the dynamic offense with the ability to control the game from start to finish. That being said, look for a swarming Penn State defense fueled by a wild crowd to completely shut down Cry-er.

Penn State 31 - Fuckeyes 13

#24 Oklahoma at Nebraska
Fuck you as always Oklahoma
8:00 PM ET, ABC & ESPN Gameplan

Line: Oklahoma -6

Big game Bob Stoops travels to Lincoln to take on his good friend Bo Pelini in a battle that no one outside of the midwest gives two shits about.

Rather than analysis (Oklahoma fucking sucks.. there I'm done), I'm just going to rant. No not about how Oklahoma is full of illiterate sand bagging fucks. No I'm ranting about Nebraska. I fucking miss Nebraska. Seriously why is Nebraska messing with this pro style offense bullshit? I miss the days when Nebraska would roll out the option and dare you to stop it. So what if their QB couldn't throw the ball to save his life? They had 17 running backs and 5 fullbacks out there running 70 different ways to the endzone. That's impossible you say? Well fuck you. This is my rant. Not yours.

Both teams enter the game at 5-3 though Faglahomo holds a one game lead in the conference standings. Last year the Sooners pounded Nebraska in Norman, and I'm betting that the Big Red will be looking for some revenge.

With the Nebraska faithful cheering them on, I'm taking the Cornhuskers to squeak out the upset as Big Game Bob lays another egg.

Nebraska 28 - Asspounders 27

Washington @ UCLA
Coach Sark meets the last coach at UW to win the fucking Rose Bowl
3:30 PM ET, FSN Northwest or some stupid shit

Line: UCLA -4.5

Oh the story lines... Washington has not won at the Rose Bowl in 15 years (outside of the 2001 Rose Bowl), Slick Rick Neuheisal against his old team, UCLA QB Kevin Prince against the team he was committed to until just days before signing day, and of course Washington QB Jake Locker's sore thigh. How is a game like this not on national TV??

Oh thats righ, both teams fucking suck. Fuck.

Well either way, bowl hopes are on the line for each team here as both sit at 3-5, a mere 3 wins away from a glorious birth in a shitty bowl. Surprisingly, Washington has the edge in offense over UCLA's anemic attack. However UCLA QB Kevin Prince came alive last week in the second half throwing for over 300 yards against the the Oregon State Beavers (lol). Good news for Bruins fans is that Washington may have the worst secondary in the Pac 10 and couldn't manage a pass rush to save their fucking lives.

Washington's hopes fall on the thigh of Star QB Jake Locker. Locker suffered what was described as a deep bruise during the complete dismantling at the hands of Oregon two weeks ago. Can Jake rebound? Will he be able to run? More importantly, will he learn to throw to his own team?

I'm betting no.

UCLA 35 - Washington 24

GAME OF THE WEEK
#9 LSU @ #3 Alabama
The "I kiss my sweetie with my fist" bowl
3:30 PM ET, CBS

Line: BAMA! -9.0

Whoa nelly! This should be a good one deep in the heart of the South. Alabama Coach Nick Saban is hosting his former school in what is sure to be a battle of tough as nails defenses. The only stat you need to know for this game? Scoring defense.

Alabama - 5th
LSU - 7th

The Crimson Tide only allow 65 yards per game on the ground and have not allowed a rushing TD in the past seven games. To top it off, BAMA! is tied for the league lead in sacks. LSU on the other hand has only allowed one TD in the past 2 games. Something has to give in this match up, my bet is its LSU's D. Why? Well Bama's offense is ranked #33 in the country while LSU is a miserable #100. That is terrible. Against a D like the Tide's? Thats a fucking nightmare. I saw LSU first hand this season when they traveled to Seattle to play UW and I was not impressed with their offense. They managed only 31 points against a secondary that has been absolutely shredded in every other game this season. Good job Les Miles!

My prediction? Roll mother fucking Tide. At least I hope so for Ricky's sake.

BAMA! 17 - LSU 9


Season record: 5-3 straight up

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 9

Holy fucking shit. This week's slate of games is fucking brutal. Good teams playing good teams. Shitty teams playing shitty teams. Fucking enigma teams playing other fucking enigma teams. This could be a blood bath. There's your warning. I have no fucking idea on the majority of these.

Home team in CAPS

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Kansas City
And here we got with shitty vs. shitty matchup number 1. Ugh. Kansas City flat out sucks. The Jags gave the Titans their first win last week despite an epic effort from Maurice Jones-Drew. Plus, there's this nugget from Peter King's picks column...

"I hear Jack Del Rio was found, in a daze, walking aimlessly around the parking lot at the team's stadium and practice facility the other night. A security guard approached. 'Coach, can I help you find something," the guard said. Del Rio looked up. 'Our heart," he said."

Wow. I kinda wish he had said "my axe" or "my resume" but still, that's not a good thing. Whatever though, like I said, KC sucks and if the Jags have any pride at all, which is apparently in some serious doubt, they'll take care of business at home.

CINCINNATI (+3) over Baltimore
If the Bengals weren't coming off of their bye week I'd probably take the Ravens. But Cincy has had two weeks to get ready for a game that has HUGE division and playoff implications. I think they get it done with Ochocinco running wild in the Ravens' suspect secondary.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Houston
With all the talk about how this is the biggest game in Houston franchise history, this has all the makings of an epic shitbeating that just fucking destroys the will of a fanbase. Peyton Manning knows he's going to have to light shit up after a slew of defensive injuries hit the Colts this week so he's going to be a fucking madman out there. We're looking at something like 5 TD passes from him.

ATLANTA (-10) over Washington
Suicide pick alert! Matt Ryan is going to get back on track after an unimpressive 3-game stretch. And if he doesn't? I'm going to fly to Atlanta and rape him with a Natty Ice can. Also, I implore any Redskins fans (hell, even Falcons fans!) going to this game to bring as many anti-Dan Snyder signs as possible. That little midget doesn't have any power in Hotlanta!! Skewer his ass, people!

Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY
Kinda weird for the Packers to have a must-win against a winless team, but here we are. And that's about all I have to say about this game. Fucking boring.

Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO
Man, Arizona really fucked things up last week, huh? Dickwads. And yet, I'm picking them. Am I confident? Fuck no. These two teams are both complete mindfucks. Fuck them both.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Miami
Let's take a second to talk about Joey 'Fuckhead' Porter. Porter has spent the week spouting his tired bullshit about how the Pats are cheaters and blah fucking blah fucking blah. We get it dude. You're a bitter piece of shit with no self esteem and an overinflated ego. Whatever. But this week, in addition to his usual verbal puke, he brought up the Tom Brady Rule and cried about how Brady lobbied for a flag and got it thrown, so therefore Brady gets special treatment.

Now, the play in question was dubious, and even though the call was correct, it probably wasn't a play that warranted a flag. I'll freely admit that, and that Brady and the other elite quarterbacks around the league definitely do get protected and yeah, it's annoying.

But what pisses me off, is this idea that the flag was only thrown because Brady lobbied for a flag and that he gets whatever he wants. EVERY MOTHER FUCKING PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE LOBBIES FOR FLAGS! Watch any fucking pass play that gets broken up and the receiver usually hops up looking for a flag. Someone rushing the passer gets held a little bit and they start looking for a flag. Someone's facemask gets brushed and the runner gets up yanking on on his mask in effort to get the flag. False starts, offsides, fucking everything! So yes, the rules protecting the QBs in the league are a little ridiculous, but let's the cut the shit when it comes to claiming that they can ask for flags are get them on any play. Fuck off, Joey Porter.

And as far the game goes. Pats coming off a bye and Brady taking advantage of injuries to the Miami secondary means this is gonna be another blowout and the Dolphins can shut the fuck up (even though they won't) about the division still going through them. Last year was a fucking fluke, you assholes. And you had the same record as the Pats, who played with Matt Cassel for the entire god damn year. God I fucking hate the Dolphins.

And as a bonus, I'm going to be witnessing the carnage in person. Fuck. Yes. SQUISH THE FISH!

NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Carolina
Thanks to the Panthers for taking out some people in my suicide pools last week. I appreciate it. I don't know if the Saints can go undefeated, but I do get the feeling that they'll be unbeaten when the Pats come to town in a few weeks.

SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit
Yikes. This line scares the shit out of me. Hasselbeck better get this team together and shit all over the Lions or I'm screwed here.

Tennessee (+4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Taking the Titans two weeks in a row? I'm a fucking idiot.

San Diego (+5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Again, no fucking clue. If this game were at 1, I'd take the Giants. But since it's at 4:15, I think the Chargers won't be as fucked by the time change and will send us one step closer to a Tom Coughlin meltdown.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas
I can't wait to watch Roy Williams drop more passes after his dipshit comments earlier in the week. Oh, you're not trying to be a T.O.? Well maybe you should be, because even as T.O. was running his mouth in Dallas, at least he was producing on the fucking field. Jackass.

Pittsburgh (-3) over DENVER
Time for Denver to fade back to the pack and make the race for the 2nd playoff bye wide fucking open.

And just in case you didn't get it the first; I have no mother fucking clue this week. Follow these picks at your own fucking risk.

Elizabeth Lambert is here to win

Look out bitches. Elizabeth Lambert wants to fucking win and no one is getting in her goddamn way. This bitch makes Brandon Spikes look like a fucking saint. I don't watch women's soccer, but I might after this total display of awesome.

Elizabeth I do have one suggestion though. After you take a bitch down, might I suggest you further humiliate her by making out with her?

Watch and enjoy.





Update! Lambert has been suspended indefinitely for her actions. Come on, people. That was some hot girl on girl action. That shit should be applauded! Give her some booster money, don't suspend her!

Glen Davis Wants To Play Football

If you were an NBA player who recently broke his thumb in an idiotic fight with your best friend, costing you 6 weeks of your season and an undisclosed amount of money due to a fine from the team, and were also the most recent Dorn of the Week, what would you be doing right about now? Would you lay low, work out as much as you can, stay out of the press and just get ready to help the team upon your return? Or would you start talking about how you want to play in the NFL at some point? Well, Glen 'Big Dumbshit Fuckhead Baby' Davis has chosen the latter.

"I will try it. When I become an All-Star in the NBA, when I become a great player in the NBA, then I'll try football. One of my dreams has always been to play football."

This is fucking hilarious. Forget about the fact that Davis hasn't played football since his high school days at University Laboratory High School (the fuck kind of name is that??) or that he that he doesn't even have a position in mind, let's make fun of the first part of that quote. "When I become an All-Star?" Excuse me for one second, but, AHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit is he fucking serious??

Don't get me wrong, I love the ambition, but Glen Davis is NEVER going to be an NBA All-Star. He's a decent role player, but for fuck's sake, there is no fucking chance! Even when handed the starting job due to KG's unfortunate injury last season he could only manage 15.8 points and 5.4 rebounds a game. 5.4 rebounds? For a fucking power forward? That does not equal NBA greatness, buddy. Hate to break it to you, but that's how shit works in professional basketball. Get your ass in the gym, shut your fucking mouth, and hope that you get some playing time to help the Celtics romp their way to another championship this year. Because it's pretty god damn evident that, so far, your efforts are not fucking needed on this juggernaut.

And as far as football goes, I know you're good at bumping into little kids and knocking their hats off, but I think NFL players are a little tougher than that little pussy.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Jimmy Rollins

I love when athletes say stupid fucking shit like this:

"We may have lost, but we’re still the better team."

Sure you are, why even bother playing the games then? If it wasn’t for Cliff Lee, Jimmy, you would have gotten you’re ass swept.

I love this quote from him too:

"They were the better team this series," Rollins said Wednesday night. "Do I think we're the better team? I really do. They just executed. I think we weren't playing bad, but they were playing that much better. ... They got the hits, we didn't. It's that simple."

So I guess a team that plays better doesn’t actually mean it IS better.

Sweet logic.

Link to Jimmy's Asshattery from the NY Daily News.

God Damn You A-Rod

Look, I'm no A-Rod fan. It pisses me off that he fled from Seattle to take that mondo contract from the Rangers even though the team was fucking terrible and he had no chance to win a World Series there. I rejoiced as the Mariners won a record-tying 116 games the following year while Texas never even sniffed the playoffs. They may have even finished in last place in their division but I'm far too lazy to look it up. Then came the whole ridiculous Red Sox trade rumors followed by the inevitable trade to the Yankees. Then came the whole "A-Rod can't perform in the clutch" stuff that was partly true, but also unfair. When comparing his playoff stats with Jeter's, before this year, they were actually remarkably similar. Again, I'm too lazy to actually look them up and post them here but I DID read about it somewhere else! So when Rodriguez went on his tear starting in the Division series and then the ALCS I was actually happy for him, despite the fact that I just can't root for the Yankees. I'm telling you, my mind is all kinds of fucked up this postseason. I'm rooting against the Yankees but I'm rooting for A-Rod. I'm rooting against C.C. but I'm rooting for Cliff, even though C.C. meant much more to the Indians than Lee ever did. I'm all over the fucking place. So when A-Rod just came up with the bases chucked and 1 out in the third inning a few minutes ago, I ended up rooting for him to fucking destroy a Pedro pitch into the 10th fucking deck, even though that doesn't exist. And that fucker let me down by putting up a pathetic backwards K. What a fucking prick. Fuck him. And fuck the Yankees for, of course, getting a hit immediately after that to score to runs. Guh. Might as well start the fucking parade. This game is over. Congratulations BamaDawg. And also, fuck you and fuck the Yankees.

Dorn of the Week Nominee: Roy Williams

"I'm the No. 1 receiver but thing's are just going No. 2's way. He gets the ball thrown correctly his way. I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs are everywhere right now."

Holy shit is this guy for fucking real? Let's take a quick looksee at the stats, shall we? Williams has 16 starts for the Cowboys since arriving from Detroit last year and he's caught 33 passes for 447 yards and 3 touchdowns. Miles Austin has started 3 games and caught 21 passes for 458 yards and 5 touchdowns. Gee, I wonder why "things are going No. 2's way?" What a fucking asshole. The Cowboys are 5-2 and are finally showing signs of life after a poor start to the season and this shithead has to mouth off about Tony Romo? What a complete and utter piece of shit. Get fucked, Roy Williams, you're the leader in the clubhouse for Dorn of the Week. Congratulations, dick.

Source: ESPN