OGDH NFL Preview: The AFC

Oh praise motherfucking Jebus the season is here! Let's jump right in to the AFC preview.

AFC West

God, why do the West divisions in both conferences suck so much? San Diego should win this division but it's not going to be the runaway it was last year. They're missing a few key players due to holdouts and injuries, especially Vincent Jackson, who is Philip Rivers' best receiver by far. First he's sitting out a nice little 3-game suspension for something that I don't feel like looking up, and after that he's planning on holding out over a contract dispute. He's also on my fantasy roster so I'm a little torn on this one. One one hand, quit being a jackass and catch some touchdowns for my fantasy team, jerk! On the other hand, anything that hurts one of the conference's better teams is fucking fine by me. Although my hate for the Chargers has dropped immensely since they cut that piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fuck him.

The Broncos are interesting because Josh McDaniels is all over the place with his personnel moves, trading Cutler and Marshall, drafting Tebow, signing Brady freaking Quinn. While I don't think Tebow will see much time at quarterback this year other than goal line situations, I do think he's going to be a solid NFL player. Booze disagrees. We have a bottle of scotch riding on it. I just can't remember what the timeline for the bet is. Help me out, Booze.

Oakland and Kansas City should both be better than they have in previous years but I still don't think they're going to do anything significant. I mean, it's the Raiders and Chiefs for god's sake. And don't let Bill Simmons tell you any different when he picks his sleeper team for this season. He's full of shit.

The Mark Show's picks: San Diego, Denver, KC, Oakland

Bamadawg's picks: San Diego, Denver, Oakland, KC

BoozeRob's picks: San Diego, Oakland, Denver, KC

AFC North

Alright, we've got the rapists, the (alleged) murderers, a whole slew of criminals.....and the Browns. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.

The Ravens are this year's popular pick to go to the Super Bowl from the AFC. I'm not so sure. I'd like to see Joe Flacco perform in a big game before I pencil them in as AFC champs. And let's not forget that their secondary might be the worst of any contender besides the Pats, and even that's assuming that Ed Reed comes back in week 7 after sitting out on the PUP list for the first 6 games. Still, I think they win the division, especially with the huge upgrade at receiver with Boldin and Housh.

I think the Steelers will be fine. They're gonna go 2-2 while Rapelisberger sits out his suspension and then get things working once he returns. They're annoying like that. They are going to miss Santonio Holmes, though.

Cincinnati is going to fall back to the pack after that random division title last year. I still can't believe they swept both the Steelers and the Ravens. No fucking way that happens again.

The Mark Show's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincinnati, Cleveland

Bamadawg's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincy, Mark's team he abandoned for the Pats

BoozeRob's picks: Baltimore, *Cincy*, The Fightin' Dennis Dixons, Holmgren's Homos

AFC South

Oh did I post that yesterday? My bad. I must have forgotten.

Anyway, as much as I'd love for Indy to suffer from the Super Bowl loser curse thing and miss the playoffs, there's just no way it's happening. While Manning may choke his fat face off in the playoffs, he's still going to lead the Colts to like 12 wins and another division title. Whoopie.

Tennessee MIGHT be able to give the Colts a little pressure this year. Remember they went 8-2 once they finally benched Kerry Collins' drunk ass. I don't think Chris Johnson will have the insane season he did last year but that guy is still an animal and Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league so I expect Tennessee to at least make this division sort of interesting.

Houston will finish 8-8 again, miss the playoffs again, and at this time next year everyone will be talking about how this is the year the Texans finally get over the hump, again. Lather, rinse, repeat, everybody.

Who is the other team in this division?........................Oh, Jacksonville! (Seriously that took me 5 minutes to think of because I didn't want to cave and look it up) Anyway, let's just say that when people are talking about drafting Tim Tebow so that your team can sell tickets....it's probably not a good sign for your upcoming season. Or your franchise in general.

The Mark Show's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

Bamadawg's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

BoozeRob's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

AFC East

Ok so Buffalo sucks. They might win 2 games. Might. Let's just move on to the 3-horse race in this division.

Miami, the bane of my weekly picks existence, made a significant offseason acquisition in getting Brandon Marshall. I'm still not sure what made him lose his mind during training camp last year but once the season started he still put up big numbers, just like he has every year of his career. And now, playing for a new team, looking to make a good impression, look out. Except that he has Chad Henne throwing him the ball for a team that is still its best when the ball is Ronnie Brown's hands. Brown and Ricky Williams should again lead a solid rushing attack, and wildcat, that, combined with a solid defense, will make the Dolphins a tough team to beat.

Once the Jets get Santonio Holmes back from his suspension they'll finally have someone who actually catches the ball lined up opposite of Braylon "Hands" Edwards. Well, he'll catch the ball if Sanchez can put it in his general vicinity anyway. Sanchez has looked like absolute DOGSHIT in preseason and all throughout Hard Knocks, which was a fucking outstanding show this year. It would make things a lot easier if Rex Ryan weren't so likable. Fucking fatass blowhard. Luckily, they're still the Jets, so they're easily hateable, AND they brought in piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fucking guy. I still can't believe the first thing he did when he signed with the Jets was to get a tattoo of the Jets logo on his calf. Tell me that's not a douchebag thing to do? Seriously, try to come up with any explanation for that without calling Tomlinson a douchebag. It's fucking unpossible. Fucking Ladanian Tomlinson. And fuck Revis for caving. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE MONEY!

And now, the Patriots.

The Good: Brady's knee is finally fully healthy, as are his ribs and finger that was bothering him at the end of the season last year. Wes Welker is somehow ready for opening day, indicating that he's some sort of bionic freak. Rob Gronkowski (GRONK), Aaron Hernandez and Brandon Tate provide three new weapons for Brady to throw to. It looks like Belichick has finally had enough of Maroney tap-dancing into the line of scrimmage. They still have Brady and Belichick. Brady is so fired up for the season that he's fucking ramming vans with his Audi at 6:30 in the morning before practice.

The Bad: They lost Ty Warren for the season (Fuck!), the secondary, the defense in general.

This team is going to have to score a fuckload of points, especially early in the season, to win games. The young defense should get better as the year goes along and hopefully hit its stride going into the playoffs.

Basically this division comes down to whether or not you buy the hype on the Jets. I don't. They're 8-8 waiting to happen, even with Revis, who had the best season possibly ever for a CB. He'll still be very good, obviously, but he won't be AS good. And that makes a difference. Until someone besides the Pats wins the division while Brady is the QB, I'm taking the Pats.

The Mark Show's picks: Pats, *Dolphins*, Jets, Bills

Bamadawg's picks: Jets, *Pats*, Dolphins, Bills

BoozeRob's picks: Jets, *Fuck off, Mark!*, Dolphins, Bills

And now for tonight's quick pick!

(Using the line from ESPN's pigskin pick 'em)

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Minnesota

The Super Bowl champ has won the last 10 opening night games. I'm excited to see if the Saints go after Favre as viciously as they did in the NFC championship game and if the Vikings retaliate at all. It's gonna be fun as shit to watch. Also, this is my suicide pick for the week. I'm not sure I've ever seen an opening slate of games with no clear suicide pick. Fucking brutal. Last year I lasted all 17 weeks. Let's hope I make it past week 1 this year.

FOOTBALL, BABY!

OGDH NFL Preview: The NFC

Heeeeeeyoooooooo! We're one god damn day away from the start of the NFL season and you know what that means? It's time to fire up this fucking blog again! Jesus it's been a long, soul-sucking summer in the sports world. I completely checked out of this baseball season, even becoming an awful dead owner in my final fantasy baseball season ever. Some asshole named Carlos Gonzalez is making a serious run at the Triple Crown in the NL and I seriously had never even heard his name until this morning when someone tweeted about. Pretty pathetic on my part but whatever, I don't give a shit, it's football season! Maybe Booze will even get off his ass and write about college football again.

But until then, let's take a quick look at the upcoming NFL season, starting with the NFC today, AFC tomorrow, and a full slate of picks on Friday. Fuck yeah!

Disclaimer: This will probably be the worst, least in-depth preview you'll ever read.

NFC West

Woof, let's just get this suckfest out the way, shall we? Let's see here, Kurt Warner retired and Matt Leinart was so freaking horrible in training camp and the preseason that he got freaking CUT in favor of Derek Andersen. Derek Andersen, who couldn't keep the starting job in CLEVELAND. Ouch. This is a team that, according to Peter King, is excited about having QB Max Hall as their backup. Max Hall? Yeah he didn't even get drafted. Jesus that's a rough quarterback situation for a team to be in.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, the team is so worried about Matt Hasselbeck's back that they went out and traded a 2nd-round pick to San Diego for Charlie Whitehurst, who has never taken a regular season snap thrown a regular season pass in the NFL. They also hired Pete Carroll as he was cowardly fleeing USC's sinking ship, let TJ Houshmanzadeh go for some reason when he was their best receiver last year, and to replace him? Former USC WR Mike Williams, who was out of the league after failing with Detroit.

The Rams? Well, they suck. I'm giving it 4 weeks until Sam Bradford gets knocked out for the year after getting creamed by some monster D-lineman.

That leaves the Niners. They're pretty much going to win this division by the two sweetest words in the English language...de-fault. If Alex Smith can't lead this team to a division title THIS year, in THIS shitty division of teams, it's never going to happen and he'll probably be asked to take his tiny hands and hit the road. Also, I fucking hate Frank Gore. That asshole boned me in fantasy like 3 years in a row.

The Mark Show's picks: Niners, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams

Bamadawg's picks: San Fran, Hawks, Arizona, St. Louis

BoozeRob's picks: San Fran, Clemons is a queer, St. Louis, Pom Pom Pete's Pussy Patrol

NFC North

I'm happy Brett Favre is back. There I said it. I'm not happy about all the coverage he's already gotten, no no. I'm happy because it is going to be so god damn fun watching him crash and burn this year. Last year was a fucking fairy tale for that bastard. Pretty much everything went right for him and the Vikings. Well, up until the final minute of the NFC Championship anyway.

Man that puts a smile on my face. I enjoyed Peyton's pick six to lose the Super Bowl more, but that Favre interception was awesome too. Anyway, like I was saying, everything went perfectly last year. It so fucking annoying. This year is going to be great. Favre is already getting injections in his ankle and bitching about the pain. His favorite target, Sidney Rice, is out for at least half the season after having hip surgery. His other favorite target, Percy Harvin, has some weird issue with migraines and there's no telling when he's going to miss playing time. It's all heading towards a massive Favre implosion that is going to be spectacular to watch. My only hope is that he throws another pick as his last pass of the season so it'll be four years in a row of that. Whether it's in the playoffs or the regular season, I don't care. And then we can (hopefully) finally say good riddance.

As for the rest of the division, the Packers should run away with things and lock up one of the top 2 seeds in the conference and a first-round bye. I don't see Mike Martz helping Jay Cutler at all. Cutler just doesn't have the mental abilities to be the great QB that everyone thinks he'll be based on his arm strength alone. And now he's "dating" Kristin Cavalleri? I would not be excited for this season if I were a Bears fan. Detroit should be improved over last season, and obviously the 0-16 season before that, but they're still the Lions and they're still going to finish last in the division.

The Mark Show's picks: Packers, Vikings, Bears, Lions

Bamadawg's picks: Packers, *Vikings*, Bears, Lions

BoozeRob's picks: Vikings, *Bamadawg can eat a dick*, Bears, Lions

NFC South

Let's just take a moment and enjoy Tracy Porter's Super Bowl interception, huh?



Ahhhh, that's good shit.

A lot of people are predicting a Super Bowl hangover for the Saints. And it's not a crazy prediction by any means. They toppled Peyton Manning, brought New Orleans the city's first ever championship, and then spent the summer celebrating their asses off. Also, Don Banks pointed out today that since the Patriots beat Jacksonville in the playoffs the season after they won their 3rd Super Bowl, no SB winning team has managed to win a playoff game the following year. Kind of a crazy statistic. So no one would begrudge the Saints if they somewhat shit the bed this season. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Drew Brees is too good, and Sean Payton really impresses me as a coach. I think between the two of them, they'll have the team ready to roll to another division title.

Atlanta has the chance to challenge them but I think ultimately they'll end up settling for a wild card spot. Carolina is being floated around as a sleeper team by some NFL writers but I just don't see it. Matt Moore was serviceable in his playing time last year but as with all quarterbacks, things get a lot harder once opponents get their hands on a bunch of game film and exploit your weaknesses. Moore, combined with what is going to be an awful defense, are going to keep this team from making any noise in the division. I'm not even going to bother talking about Tampa Bay.

The Mark Show's picks: Saints, *Falcons*, Panthers, Bucs

Bamadawg's picks: Atlanta, *New Orleans*, Carolina, Tampa Bay

BoozeRob's picks: New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina

NFC East

And finally, the annoying NFC East. Once again being touted by some as the best division in football, which is bullshit. The Cowboys are legit, but the Eagles and Giants both have big question marks, and I think the Redskins are going to be a disaster.

Donovan McNabb is not the savior people are making him out to be, and neither is Mike Shanahan. Shanahan won what? One playoff game after Elway retired? And he didn't win shit with Elway until Terrel Davis arrived. Let's also not forget about how things turned out when another former Super Bowl-winning coach returned to the Redskins when Joe Gibbs made his painful-to-watch comeback a few years ago. Throw in the ugly Albert Haynesworth situation and I just can't see the Redskins having much success this year.

Philly's fate obviously rests in the hands of Kevin Kolb and his transition to the starter this year. I think he'll do well enough to get Philly a wild card spot with weapons like DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy to take some of the pressure off of him.

I don't really have anything to say about the Giants except for that it was awesome watching Eli Manning get JACKED UP in that first preseason game.

The Mark Show's picks: Cowboys, *Eagles*, Giants, Redskins

Bamadawg's picks: Dallas, Giants, Philly, Skins

BoozeRob's picks: Dallas, *Giants*, Redskins, Philly

We'll be back tomorrow with a rundown of the AFC. Get excited, people! It's almost football season!

MMFU: Eff 600

1. ESPN and any other station interrupting regular programs to show A-Rod's at-bats

Alex Rodriguez is sitting on 599 career home runs and at some point in the near future will hit number 600. Good for him. Only six other players have ever done that. But holy shit is it really such a big deal that ESPN needs to interrupt whatever they're showing so we can watch every at-bat until he finally hits a bomb? Fuck. No.

Seriously, who gives a shit? A-Rod's in the prime of his career and might end up with over 800 home runs if he stays healthy. It's not like he's some declining superstar like Griffey clinging to the tail end of his career trying to reach one last milestone. Sure, it'd be kind of cool to actually be in the ball park when A-Rod hits No. 600 but I guarantee you no one in their right mind is watching ESPN during Yankee games and waiting for them to switch to an A-Rod at-bat.

It's fucking stupid and annoying and it really pisses me off.

2. Dez Bryant

Dez Bryant is making news this morning because he refused to participate in rookie "hazing" and wouldn't carry Roy Williams' pads after practice. And now we've got dipshits like Peter King praising him and saying it's good that someone is taking a stand.

Fuck that. Is hazing stupid? Yes. Is Roy Williams a shitty fucking receiver dipshit? Yes. But jesus, it's not like Bryant is being asked to do anything outlandish or humiliating. Just carry the fucking pads, asshole. Big fucking deal.

Enjoy being taped to the goal post later this week, rookie. What an ass.

3. The Weather Channel

Look, I know I shouldn't take the weather forecast to the bank or anything but shit, don't tell me it's going to thunderstorm all day and then have it be sunny and hot as shit with no clouds instead. Now you might be saying, "Isn't that a better alternative?" Of course it is, in most cases. But this time it meant having to do 4 hours worth of destruction on a wild rose bush in the blazing sun, cutting my hands and forearms on the thorns, and getting burnt to shit since I was too stupid to put any sunscreen on. My arms are going to be peeling like CRAZY in a few days.

F--k Lebron James

Fuck Lebron James. Fuck him right in the ear. This is a guy who hasn't won anything in his fucking life. He didn't win in high school. He hasn't won in the pros. Shit, he couldn't even win a fucking game when his team made the finals. He's a fucking loser. I hate him more than any other athlete in sports history. And there are a lot of athletes that I hate. A one hour TV show to announce where you're going to be next year? Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Even if he announces he's returning to Cleveland he's still a gigantic, gaping asshole. And if he doesn't return to Cleveland? Holy fucking shit. That would be the biggest fuck you to an entire city of all time.

Lebron didn't need all this time to make a decision. You can't tell me he hasn't had his mind made up this entire time. So why the fucking drama? Because he's an absolute dickhead, that's why.

To me, there's something telling about how no marquee players have come to Cleveland the past few years. And that's because everything has to be about Lebron. Win a championship? It's all about Lebron. Don't win a championship? It's about how Lebron wasn't surrounded by the talent he needed to win. It's about how the coach sucks. It's about how the GM is no good. It's all fucking bullshit.

It's also complete bullshit that he's giving the advertising money to charity for this one hour blowjob tonight. Hey asshole, you're worth a shit ton of money. You wanna give to charity? Then fucking give to charity. I guarantee you could give more on your own than is going to be produced by the show tonight. Fucking dick.

I hope he returns to Cleveland. And then I hope he fucking fails miserably and never wins a title. His legacy is, in my opinion, forever tarnished by this bullshit. If I were a Cavs fan I'm not sure how I'd be able to throw my full support behind him. It's his home state, practically his home town and he's treating it like ass. Fuck him. And if he goes to Miami or Chicago, well congratulations, he had to sell his soul and ditch his home state. Way to go, douche. You're the self-proclaimed "King" and you had to go somewhere else to win a title? Fuck you.

Lebron is an over hyped bastard. As a Cleveland Indians fan, I would love for the city to win a championship in any sport. But seriously, fuck Lebron James. This shit makes the Brett Favre stuff make me happy to hear about Brett Favre. And that REALLY pisses me off. Call me when Lebron wins a title. At 9 pm EST tonight I'll be doing something else besides watching this asshole jerk off to himself.

Fuck Lebron James. And fuck ESPN for allowing this bullshit on their airwaves.

MMFU: This Weekend Was Awesome

Since this weekend was pretty much fucking awesome for me we're doing something a little different for the Monday Morning Fuck You. Fuck Yous versus Fuck Yeahs! Let's jump right in!

1. Fuck Yeah: Hanging out and boozing with friends from college all weekend
Earlier in the week one of my best friends had his 30th birthday. He's the first in my group of friends to hit the dreaded milestone and his wife organized a surprise weekend for him at a condo up on Lake Winnipesaukee. I arrived first, early in the afternoon and as the day went on, 3 more of our friends, all of whom were in my wedding party, showed up with their wives as well. A 5:45am wakeup call to golf on Saturday didn't stop us from boozing until almost 3am shooting the shit, busting each other's balls and just generally having a great time. Like I said in Friday's post, that type of shit hardly ever happens anymore so we all wanted to take advantage.

Golfing on 3 hours of sleep? Fucking awesome. Cigars at 8am? Fucking awesome. Hanging out without the wives around? Earmuffs, ladies...fucking awesome. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had shaved 2 measly strokes off of my round to break 100. Fucking 101. Probably shouldn't have 4-putted that one hole. Balls.

After golf it was back to the condo for lunch and then beach time. It was cloudy and windy but so fucking what? It was still awesome. Watching the soccer game? Not so awesome, but we'll get to that later. The big birthday BBQ/Luau? You guessed it! Fucking awesome. All in all, just a kickass weekend that needs to happen way more often than it actually does. Getting old fucking blows.

2. Fuck You: The Soccer Game
Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? A goal in the 6th minute to start the game and then a goal in the 3rd minute of overtime? What the fuck? And can we get someone on the damn team who can actually finish? Jesus christ, put it in the back of the damn net, jerks!

I never felt comfortable about this US team's chances for one reason: Bob Bradley looks WAY too much like Dick Jauron. It depressed me every time they showed him because thoughts of Jauron's incompetence leaped into my brain instantly. You can't win with the stink of Jauron in the mix.

I know the diving and flopping and stalling and all that bullshit is part of soccer and it's probably not going to change anytime soon but the end of that game was a god damn disgrace. Hey ref, how about carding those fuckers to get them to stop with the bullshit for a little bit, huh? Everyone in the fucking world knew exactly what they were doing and I'm sure you did too. For god's sake that one piece of shit dropped dead after doing a bicycle kick with no one within 10 feet of him, laid there like a corpse, got taken off on a stretcher, and then immediately hopped up and walked around on the sidelines. That is fucking ridiculous. And the dude who scored the winning goal? He stopped play at the end of regulation because he got "kicked" in the chest and "couldn't" get up. And when he finally did get up after play was stopped he clutched his chest like Jack Bauer had just taken an axe to it. Poor thing. So what does he do after he scored a goal 5 minutes later? The motherfucker starts pounding his chest with his fist, a la Kevin Garnett. So I guess the "injury" wasn't that bad, huh?

The entire tournament is being marred by shitty officiating and the pathetic flopping. That kind of stuff was fine back in the day but now we've reached the point where tv coverage is so good that we get to see every replay multiple times and can see that a lot of the calls being made are complete bullshit. And we can see just how badly these assholes are diving to get calls from the officials. Unfortunately, FIFA seems content to just keep their eyes closed and their ears plugged and ignore the massive amount of criticism that is headed in their direction. Fucking assholes.

3. Fuck Yeah: Scotch!
I've discussed before how I'm effectively banned from having scotch, deservedly so. But this weekend? I had some! And it was fucking good! Next scotch appointment? August 9th. MY 30th birthday. I can already taste it. Mmmmmm.

4. Fuck You: Mosquitoes
God damn piece of shit bloodsuckers. I'm all kinds of itchy today because of you little fucks. And the most annoying part is that yesterday I wasn't itchy at all so I thought I had somehow escaped the weekend without being bitten. Yeah, not quite. Bur.

5. Fuck Yeah AND Fuck You: Cornhole, Ladder Golf, Washer Toss
Fuck Yeah because I fucking LOVE playing games like these. Especially cornhole. It's the type of stupid, random activity that I generally kick ass at. So after talking shit about the last time we were all together and Wifey and I went undefeated in cornhole you can probably guess what happened. Got fucking destroyed. It didn't help that my partner (not Wifey) was god damn worthless and didn't score a single point but still, not a good showing. Then it was time for ladder golf with Wifey as my partner and not only did we blow an early lead and lose, but she scored more points than me. Annoying. Yet still fun as shit.

6. Fuck Yeah: Baby Mark Show
5 total hours of driving with no stops because Baby Mark Show was perfectly behaved on both rides. Clutch sleeping at night in a house full of people with no crying to wake anyone up. Well behaved the entire weekend. Flirting his ass off with the girl baby who was there. Pretty much a no-hitter for Baby Mark Show. And he didn't even need 149 pitches like Edwin Jackson. Bravo, little buddy.

And to wrap things up, I know I said it before, but I'm saying it again...this weekend was fucking awesome.

This Weekend Is Going to Be Rad

Now that my friends and I are approaching our 30s, it's a major fucking pain in the ass trying to get together. Add Baby Mark Show to the mix and things get even harder. And that's why I'm excited about my friends and myself heading into the next couple of years with 30th birthdays coming up here and there. It's a perfect excuse to drag the wives and any kids that may be popping out in the next few years to a common location and hang out with all the old college buddies.

The last few years it was the wedding circuit, and as fun as everyone's weddings were, thank the fucking lord that shit is over. Yes, it's awesome seeing everybody but it can't beat a weekend of just relaxing and shooting the shit. And that's exactly what's going to happen this weekend and I can't fucking wait. Golf, BBQ, boating, cornhole, general shenanigans...it's going to be awesome.

And smack dab in the middle of everything is USA-Ghana at 2:30 on Saturday. Sporting events are always more fun to watch with a group of friends. I mean, shit, there's only so much texting I can do during a game, and I can do a fuckload of texting.

I expect the US to win on Saturday. I've heard people say that the US is always an underdog in the World Cup but that's just not true. I've read articles about how no one should be that excited about their chances because they could barely beat Algeria. And that, my friends, is a fucking load of complete bullshit. Have these shitheads been paying attention to this World Cup? Other than Germany's 4-0 win over Australia and Portugal's 7-0 assraping of North Korea (suck it, Kim Jong Il!) every game has been insanely close and competitive. For christ's sake, the 2 finalists from 2006 have already been bounced and there's a possibility that Spain could be ousted today, too. Not to mention the fact that Algeria, for some cowardly reason, packed it in on the defensive end and seemed content to play to a 0-0 tie instead of actually trying to win and advance. Fucking pussies.

The US can beat Ghana. The US SHOULD beat Ghana. And I'm pumped that I'll be watching it with some of my best friends.

USA! USA! USA!

Aaaaaaand We're Back!

Well hey hey! Anybody still checking this god damn site for updates? No? Jesus you people are demanding. You want updates more frequently than once every two months? Fine. I'd love to say that I've been super busy with no time to write but that's just simply not true. It's laziness. Pure and simple. So let's delve into some of the shit that's happened since the last time I wrote. At least some of the stuff I can remember, anyway. Getting old and senile fucking blows. Let's see, where shall we start? Oh! I know! I have a fucking kid now!

1. Baby Mark Show has arrived!

I plan on writing more about the joy/frustration/hilarity of having a baby around, but to avoid jamming 7 weeks of baby stuff into one post, let's just go with labor, delivery, and the first few days of parenthood for this one. On May 4th I went into work just like any other day and started my routine of checking email and catching up on all the shit piled up in my Google Reader cache.

Wifey called on her way to a meeting...or at least I thought she was on her way to a meeting. Nope! Turns out she thought her water might have broken so she was on the way to the hospital to get checked out.

HOLY SHIT! Well what the fuck do I do now? Just sit here and wait for you to call me back?? Do you realize how impossible that is???

So I sat. And waited. And fidgeted. And walked around. After like 4 days I finally got the call that her water had indeed broken and that she was being checked in to the hospital so that they could induce labor at some point.

This all happened at like 9am. I raced home. Grabbed Wifey's pre-packed hospital bag, packed my own bag, and hustled to the hospital. Well, turns out that there was no rushing necessary. Just because the water breaks, it doesn't mean that labor has started. So we waited. And waited. And fucking waited. We played games, we watched a movie, we had lunch AND dinner. FINALLY, at 7pm the contractions started coming.

At first they were ok, just seemed like some mild discomfort. At least to me, anyway. Hell, at 9pm I even asked if she wanted to watch LOST (um, no). And then all of a sudden, holy shit here comes the pain!

If you know me at all, you know that I kinda sorta like being in control of situations. There's a reason it's called The Mark Show, after all. Well, watching my wife go through labor was probably the most helpless I've ever felt in my entire life. There was absolutely NOTHING I could do to help her while the contractions were happening and seeing someone you love in that kind of pain is fucking brutal.

At 9:30pm, the doctor came in to check her cervix and announced that it was still only 1cm dilated. Are you fucking kidding me, lady? I think Wifey was ready to punch her in the face when she said that. So labor continued and at about 10:30 Wifey had had enough and asked for an epidural. The nurse said ok, but wanted to check her cervix one more time. Hey, no more cervix! No epidural needed! And now it's time to push...

Now this was the part that blew my mind...pushing was the "easy" part of the whole process. After all the screams during the contractions, Wifey barely made a sound during the pushing phase. I'll forever be amazed by that. Completely calm, just working to get the baby out. Fucking incredible.

Pushing took us past midnight and into May 5, 2010. Fuck yeah, Cinco de Mayo party baby! At 12:21am, the baby came roaring out. The umbilical cord was wrapped around its neck. Twice. Jesus, cut that thing! I was trying my damnedest to determine if it was a boy or a girl but I couldn't see and finally the doctor announced, "It's a boy!" WOOOOOOOOOO!

The nurse cleaned him off, swaddled him and handed him to me. And holy shit that is an incredible feeling. Indescribable, really. He was wide awake, looking at me, looking around the room, just checking everything out. No crying or fussing, just completely content, staring up at me with these huge beautiful eyes. So. Fucking. Awesome.

And now, let's get back to some sports.

2. One Quarter Away
It shouldn't have been that close going into the 4th quarter, which is what really fucking kills me. The Lakers won Game 7 because the Celtics couldn't get a fucking rebound and kept allowing second chance points. I would love to bitch about the refs, but other than a few calls, they were fine. I would love to revel in Kobe's complete and utter stinkbomb. I would love to make fun of Pau Gasol for looking a stupid llama (actually, I can still do that. Fuck you, Llama!) I would have LOVED for Sasha fucking Vujacic to have choked at the free throw line. God damn it.

I actually started cheering when Ron Artest launched that 3 with under a minute to go. I still can't believe that went in. In fact, I can't believe Ron Artest was the MVP of that game. Fucking unbelievable.

All they had to do was hang on for one more quarter and they couldn't do it. Bur.

3. The Cleveland Indians

Actually, no, let's not talk about them. Jesus christ what a disaster.

That's it for now, people. Just gotta the blog wheels rolling again. More posts coming soon. I swear!