The Mark Show Says...Part 2

Alright, on to Part 2 of The Mark Show Says...

Before we even get started, I absolutely meant to include this clip in yesterday’s post:



HERE COMES THE PAIN! Just fucking outstanding. I’ve watched that clip probably 20 times and it’s made me laugh every time.

3. 5 Weeks
We’re now 5 weeks away from my wife’s due date. Five. Fucking. Weeks. That’s 35 days. That’s just over a month. In other words, that’s fucking SOON!

So because we’re going to be first time parents, Wifey and I have been doing a shitload of research and other things that will probably seem incredibly pointless once the kid arrives and takes over the world. One of these things was attending a childbirth class at the hospital. There were two options for the class, the first being five 2-hour sessions held over the course of 5 weeks and the second being a 9-hour course held on a Saturday. We chose door number 2. Let’s just get it over with, right? Right.

Now, I’m not going to say that the class was completely worthless, but let’s just say it left a LOT to be desired. Only two things made it worthwhile, in my opinion. The first is that we got a tour of the maternity ward (I couldn’t see any signs of blood on the ceiling in the delivery room. Thank god.) so now I know where to go and shit when the time comes. And the second is that I have a better understanding of exactly how fucking interminably long the labor process is going to be. The average labor for first time moms is anywhere from 12 to 24 hours. Jesus fuck that is FOREVER. And the majority of that time is spent walking around, having contractions, and waiting for the cervix to expand to 10 centimeters so that Wifey can finally push the baby out. Not gonna be a good time for either of us, but especially her. Ouch.

Also, they showed us not one, not two, but THREE birth videos. Now here’s where you all grimace because watching a baby come out down there is a liiiiittle bit messy. But here’s the weird thing...it didn’t even phase me. I barely blinked. There are only two possible reasons for this: 1. I’ve seen enough violence and porn in my life that I’m completely desensitized to everything. Or 2. I’m actually mature enough to handle that type of thing. I highly doubt it’s number 2. Highly doubt it.

There was something in the last video that made us laugh, though. When babies are born, they’re covered from head to toe in a soapy white substance called vernix. Here, check out Google Image Search! So this mother is pushing out the baby and only the head is out, and it’s completely covered in this vernix stuff, looking like some sort of alien from a bad sci-fi movie, and the woman looks down and shrieks, “It doesn’t look like a baby!!” I’m telling you, it was absolutely hilarious.

So anyway, 5 weeks to go. I’m fucking pumped. I can’t wait to meet the little person who’s been rolling around Wifey’s belly. Also, I built the crib on Sunday. BOOM!


4. Red Sox Fans Are Fucking Whiny
Hey, baseball season starts on Sunday! Fuck yeah! What’s that? The Indians are going to be fucking awful this year? Well, shitballs.

Anyway, the season opens with the Sox and Yankees from Fenway Park on Sunday night and holy mother of god people in Boston are not happy about it. Every fucking time I turn on sports radio it’s one caller after another crying about how it’s so unfair that the Sox have to open on a Sunday instead of some random weekday. It’s fucking pathetic. Yeah, I get it, Opening Day is fun when it’s in the afternoon and you can skip work and go get drunk but the level of complaining that’s been going on has been absolutely amazing. Shut the fuck up you whiny assholes! At least you get to root for a good team. God I fucking hate Sox fans sometimes.

And that brings me back to the baby...living in Boston, it’s going to be really fucking hard to keep the kid from becoming a Red Sox fan. I’ll try my damnedest but it’s going to be a fucking uphill battle. If we have a girl, it probably won’t bother me that much, but if it’s a boy? Oof, that’s going to be a tough one to swallow if he decides to be a Sox fan. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it would bother me so much and I finally realized that it’s not about the Red Sox; it's because one of the biggest bonds I had with my father was our Indians fandom. Baseball in general was a big part of our relationship. We played catch all the time, he coached my little league teams, we watched the Indians lose two soul-crushing World Series (fucking Jose Mesa), etc. And baseball is a bond I’d really like to have with my own son. And if it's a bond that involves us rooting for different teams, I guess that's ok too. But fucking shit it would really be great if he grows up to be an Indians fan. Man I can't wait to have this kid.

The Mark Show Says...Part One

Holy fucking shit our last post on this site was March 1st??? Booze, Bama and I each deserve about 10 kicks in the balls for that kind of laziness. Christ, none of us could even muster up the energy to do a March Madness post. That's pretty fucking pathetic and embarrassing. So in the interest of actually getting something up here, let's do another edition of The Mark Show Says...

1. March Madness
Holy shit this has been an awesome tournament. The Thursday opening round games set the tone for what has been a great ride so far. I can't remember another tournament that has featured so many close games and upsets. It's been fucking great. Sure, my bracket is completely done but I don't give a shit. All I want from this tournament is entertaining basketball, and so far, this year has fucking delivered.

In my opinion, the greatest thing about March Madness is seeing the 1-seeds get toppled. I had Kansas to win it all in my bracket but that didn't stop me for one second from enjoying the shit out Northern Iowa knocking them out. I mean, the balls on Ali Farokmanesh (I don't give a shit if that's spelled wrong) for taking that 3-pointer at the end of the game...holy shit. Just fucking incredible. Watching Syracuse and Kentucky go down a week later was just as good. Especially since fucking Jim Nantz was rooting for Kentucky SO hard he might as well have had Ashley Judd on his lap. Fucking A, Jim. I know you're a company man and all that but that shit was embarrassing.

2. Duke
Continuing with the March Madness thoughts, let's discuss Duke for a second, shall we? Now, pretty much everyone hates the shit out of Duke because they're always overrated, they always get WAY too much media coverage, fucking Dick Vitale, etc, etc.

Growing up, I LOVED Duke. Bobby Hurley was pretty much my idol from when I was 11-years old until he got in that car crash and couldn't ever play again. Anyway, the point is that I was a huge Duke fan throughout high school and college. But after college, I slowly started shifting in the other direction to the point where now I hate Duke as much as anyone else, and I've never really been able to figure out why. But the other day it finally hit me...

I loved Duke growing up because I could envision myself playing there. I spent a shitload of time in my teenage years shooting hoops in my driveway, imagining that I was sinking the game-winning buzzer beater for Duke. I dropped 30+ on UNC so many times in my driveway it's not even funny. I was a pretty good player in high school. Not good enough that anyone would ever recruit me, but good enough that a lot of people thought I might be able to be a walk-on somewhere. And for me, that somewhere was Duke. Sure, I would have been the guy in warmups going nuts on the bench while Jason Williams and Carlos Boozer carried the team to the title, but I still would have been there.

But then, I got the rejection letter from Duke. And that's where the turn to hating them began, if only a little bit. I still rooted for them throughout college, especially the year they beat Arizona for the National Championship. My other Best Man (I had two, and Booze was one) went to Zona and there's not much in this world that makes me happier than seeing his teams lose. He was so fucking upset. God it was glorious. Plus I was still in college, and even though I was getting fat and lazy there was still the imaginary chance that I could transfer to Duke and be on the team.

Well, those days are gone now. Long fucking gone. I don't hate Duke to the degree that most people do but it does make me happy when they lose. I had my 16 and 18-year old brothers-in-law over on Sunday to watch the Duke-Baylor game and they both said they liked Duke. I'm pretty sure they'll come around to the other side once they're done with college.

One final annoyance...Kyle Singler looks pretty much EXACTLY like I looked in high school. I need to find a picture of me from my high school bball days and scan it so I prove it to you, but I'm serious. He's practically my twin. Fucking asshole. That was MY roster spot!

Ok, Wifey's swim team clinic got canceled thanks to the ridiculous rain we've been having here in Massachusetts so Part Two will have to wait until tomorrow! Come back for impending baby talk, whiny Red Sox fans, and maybe more!

Monday Morning Eff You: March 1, 2010

Hey, hey! Getting this bad boy posted on a Monday for once! Fuck yeah!

1. Canada
Oh you lucky shithead puck freaks. God it would have been fucking awesome if the US team had pulled off the upset last night. The entire country would have been absolutely devastated. But nooooo, Sid the Kid had to go and throw a fucking hail mary at the net and somehow sneak it through the 5-hole. Oh well. It would have been nice to get the gold there but 5 minutes after the game I had moved on. I mean, it's fucking hockey. I enjoyed the shit out of the game and that's good enough. What pisses me off, though, is this whole 4-0n-4 overtime bullshit. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder hockey is a such a JV sport. Can you imagine if the NBA went to 4-on-4 for OT? It's fucking stupid. People complain about shootouts but is way fucking worse. Whatever.

2. The Celtics
Holy shit are you assholes fucking kidding me?? Losing to the Nets? At home??? Wow. I guess it's just about time to stick a fork in this season, huh? Believe me, I'm not going to give up on the team outright but that was pretty demoralizing. I didn't watch the game, but I can only assume that Nate Robinson is a little fucking midget cancer. And don't let BoozeRob tell you differently!

3. Marco Materazzi
I know, I know. Who?? Well, Matterazi is the guy who got famously head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final that Italy eventually won in penalty kicks. Today I was checking the sports headlines and on cnnsi.com the headline was this:

Zidane: I 'rather die' than apologize for actions

My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Wow. Zidane is such a fucking asshole that he doesn't even give a shit that he might have cost his team the World Cup by getting red carded in Extra Time?" So I clicked on the link and found out that headline is quite misleading. Zidane has repeatedly apologized to his teammates and soccer fans and pretty much everyone except for Materazzi. And seriously, why the fuck would he apologize to him? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

But that's not the point here, the point is this:

Materazzi recently told Italy's La Repubblica paper he was still waiting for Zidane to apologize and that he was still so angry over the incident that he won't even watch this year's tournament in South Africa.

Are you fucking kidding me, buddy? You really expect anyone to believe that load of bullshit? Oh yeah, I'm sure you're REALLY upset about trashing Zidane's sick mother, baiting him into head-butting you, getting him kicked out of the game and helping your team win the World fucking Cup. I'm just so sure that it just eats you up inside that he hasn't apologized. Seriously, die in a fire. There's no fucking way that you actually boycott watching the World Cup this year. And if you do? Well then you're just a fucking tool.

4. Jimmy Clausen
Scouts at the NFL Combine have reportedly discovered that Clausen is a cocky piece of shit douchebag. In other news, the rest of the world already fucking knew that. Jesus christ I can't wait to see Clausen plummet on draft day and then fail in the NFL. Brady Quinn 2.o here we come!

The Mark Show Says...

That's a pretty good representation of me at the moment. Well, except the baldness. And the beer (we'll get to that later). And the yellow skin (I'm practically albino). So ok, just the fatness, underwear and remote are a good representation. Whatever.

Since the three of us obviously suck at getting any posts up here in a timely manner I figured I'd throw up a rambling post talking about random shit, mostly non-sports related. But since this is supposed to be a sports blog, let's start with sports!

1. The Olympics

By far and away this is the least I've watched of any Olympics in my entire life. I'm not exactly sure why, but I really just don't give a fuck. Part of the problem is that NBC is run by a bunch of fucking donkeys and insist on showing tape delayed crap that I already know the results of. Fuck that shit. I mean, yeah, I watched enough of the skiing last night just to see Lindsey Vonn eat shit, but for the most part, if I already know the results, I'm not watching. Another problem is that I'm fucking old and I just can't stay up that late anymore. Last week I got in bed right before the men's figure skating finals. I would have loved to see that Russian fuckhead lose to the American but I seriously couldn't stay awake. Getting old sucks. However, I WILL be watching the hockey game on Friday and the gold medal match (if the US makes it) on Sunday. And really, it's a shame that I haven't been watching more because the United States is fucking raping these Olympics. U-S-A! U-S-A!

2. I'm a fucking idiot

On Tuesday I got home from work and went to unload the dishwasher. I opened the dishwasher up...hey, these dishes are still dirty! I forgot to turn the fucking thing on the night before. I loaded all the dirty dishes, put the detergent packet in, locked the door, and then walked away like a jackass. I do this way more often than I care to admit. It's fucking embarrassing. I quickly started the dishwasher before Wifey got home to hide my idiocy, but then as soon as she got home, I told her. Her response? "Again?" But you see, there's a reason I told her...it keeps expectations low. As long as she thinks she married a barely functional moron who does stupid shit like forget to start the dishwasher, it makes my other, more respectable, qualities stand out even more! Cooked an awesome dinner? I rule! Took the trash out? I'm fucking awesome! Actually started the dishwasher and then unloaded the clean dishes? Best husband ever!

And if you needed more proof of my dumbass-ness, check this shit out...actually, first I need to rant for a few sentences. In my cube at work I have a mini-fridge and a microwave. The mini-fridge isn't really a problem. Yeah, it pisses me off that the raging douchebag in the next cube over occasionally uses it but that really has more to do with the kid being a fucking tool than being annoyed about sharing the fridge. Other people who I like use the fridge and I don't care. But the microwave? Only one other person uses the microwave, and this old dude likes to use it to make microwave popcorn late in the afternoon. This drives me fucking insane. I have no idea where this asshole's desk is, but it's nowhere even close to mine because I know everyone who sits around me. There are microwaves in the cafeteria and all over the fucking place in other cubes but this guy has to come to MY cube and use MY microwave to make his popcorn. And it smells so fucking good it fucking kills me. And I never get to eat any of it, and the smell lingers for fucking ever. Have a little respect for your co-workers, dickhead. You make that popcorn and make the entire room smell like delicious, buttery popcorn and productivity drops like a fucking rock. How can I be expected to work when I'm distracted by that shit? Dickwad.

ANYWAY, back to the whole point of this story. But first, a little background! Yeah, I know, I'm all over the fucking place here but just bear with me. I don't like to eat breakfast at home in the mornings. Just like I'd rather poop on company time, I'd also rather eat breakfast on company time. Because of this, I make scrambled eggs at night, toss them in a tupperware container, then nuke them for a minute at work, spray the shit out of them with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray butter, and enjoy them while I check emails and shit to start my day. Trust me, it tastes a lot better than it sounds.

So yesterday, at the end of the day, I was done with work and was gathering up my shit and getting ready to go home. Except, where the hell is my empty tupperware container? It's supposed to be sitting there on top of my computer bag like it always is! This location is also directly above my trash can so maybe I knocked it in the trash by accident? I look in the trash can: empty. The trash guys already came around and emptied it. Fuck. So I figured I had either put the tupperware where I usually do and then knocked it into the trash at some point, or I had simply thrown the tupperware into the trash like a fucking moron. Honestly, the latter option seemed more likely to me. And that's a little sad. I went home, told Wifey (Expectations? Lowered!), and went on with my life.

And then, this afternoon, that asshole with the microwave popcorn comes in, opens the microwave, and...

"Oh! Can I take this out of here?"
/holds up my eggs
"Um, yeah, I don't know who that belongs to."

Yup, I fucking microwaved my eggs, went to get coffee, and then forgot about the eggs entirely. Seems impossible, considering my fatness at this point, but apparently I'm more stupid than fat. Not the greatest self esteem boost I've ever had. Jesus Christ.

3. Holy shit Baby Mark Show is due in 10 weeks!

That's right, 10 weeks from TODAY Baby Mark Show is due to grace the world with his/her presence. And honestly, I can't fucking wait. I mean, yeah, I CAN wait because the apartment is a disaster right now as we rearrange things in preparation for The Chosen One, but other than that I'm fucking ready. People are asking if I'm scared, and seriously, I'm not. I feel almost the same way as I did before my wedding. Just ready to do the damn thing. Of course, the baby is more than just a whirlwind of a day so I suppose it's a little different, but still, I'm ready.

On Tuesday night we went to a meet and greet with the doctors at the hospital where Wifey is delivering. I was under the impression that it would be a fairly small number of people and we'd actually get to talk to the doctors and all that shit. I was wrong. Holy fucking pregnant women, Batman! There were about 150 people there, so 75 pregos, it was fucking packed. What followed was a Q&A with the 7 doctors in the "Gold" group.

The way this hospital works is that there is a rotation of doctors who are on call, for 24-hour shifts, throughout the week. So we don't exactly know which doctor will be delivering our baby. So this was a chance to at least get a look at the possible delivery doctors and ask them any questions we had. Now, right before going to this session I had the pleasure of reading Drew Magary's Funbag over at Deadspin. Obviously the first question and answer had an effect on me. As we were waiting for the session to start, I showed it to Wifey...

W: Haha, that's pretty funny.
M: I think he's exaggerating a little. Blood won't really get on the ceiling, right?
W (fucking with me, I think): Hey, you never know!
Doctor: Ok, let's get started, who has questions?
M (under my breath): Will there be blood on the ceiling?
W: /smacks me

Seriously though, blood on the ceiling??? Holy fucking shit! Because of the size of the crowd, they weren't able to give us a tour of the labor rooms and maternity ward as advertised, but they said we will get a tour when we come back for our Child Birth and Infant Care class later on. And let me tell you, I'm bringing my black light and CSI goggles and inspecting the SHIT out of the ceilings in the delivery rooms. Jesus.

One final note: When/if you go to one of these Q&A sessions, do NOT repeat questions that have already been asked. It will make everyone in the room, especially me, hate your fucking guts. And if it's a dipshit question like "How do I know when to come to the hospital?" that's even worse. Fucking listen the first time the question is answered!

By the way, the answer to that question is: "After your water breaks, call your doctor and they will tell if you need to come in or if you've got some time to chill out and have contractions for a while." It's not rocket science, people!

4. Lent and church in general

For the second straight year, I've given up alcohol for Lent. Some people think I'm crazy, but it's really not that hard. I mean, I'm old as shit so I don't really go out on the weekends anymore so it's not like that's an issue. Wifey's obviously pregnant, so I've lost my drinking partner for random wine nights where we pound a double barrel of shiraz and play Mario Party on the Wii all night. I'm not allowed (and rightfully so) to drink scotch anymore except for on special occasions so that's not a problem. So really, it's a pretty easy sacrifice. The only problem is the random times where I'm all set to have a beer and then remember at the last second that I'm not drinking during Lent.

For example, last weekend Wifey and I went to Ikea to buy a bunch of shit to start transforming the apartment in preparation for the baby. We bought 600 pounds of bookshelves and other storage units. I just about had a heart attack carrying all of that shit up the stairs to the apartment. But the real problem came on Sunday when I started building everything. I enjoy building shit. It makes me feel like a fucking man and Wifey is amazed that I can put this shit together with such ease. But I like drinking while I build stuff. It's a much better time when multiple beers are involved. Except this time I was stuck soberly watching the Celtics lose to the Nuggets. Bur. The no drinking thing also reared its ugly head yesterday when we took a co-worker out to lunch because it was his last day. Everyone ordered beers and I was about to order my own when I remembered I wasn't supposed to drink. Fuck. So other than these small annoyances, it's really no big deal. Plus it should help me shed some of this weight. It fucking better.

As far as church goes, I'm not an overly religious person but I don't mind going to Mass every Sunday. It's kind of peaceful and relaxing and I have a certain amount of faith. I just don't buy in to all of the bullshit that the Catholic church preaches, but we'll leave that alone. The thing with Mass is that it absolutely HAS to be the 9am service. The 9am service is nice. It's not very crowded, it usually ends in well less than an hour, and it's a nice start to the day. I don't sleep past 8am on the weekends anymore anyway, so we might as well get up and go to church. Plus we head to the in-laws' house right after it and my father-in-law makes us breakfast and we can do our laundry for free. But if we don't go in the morning? The 5pm service hangs over my head like a fucking guillotine. It just looms all day, ready to chop my head off and steal one of the last hours of my weekend. And I don't stop thinking about it all day. It's fucking terrible. 9am Mass? Good. 5pm Mass? Horrific.

5. Shut Up, Dorn!

We're doing away with Dorn of the Week over here. It was annoying waiting until after the weekend to do the Dorn post so instead of nominating Dorns during the week and choosing a winner we're just going to do full posts as warranted. It'll generate more posts in a timely manner and just make things run more smoothly. So starting now, look for more Dorn posts from this site.

Monday Morning Eff You: Another Late Edition!

Alright, it's time for another Tuesday edition of MMFU, thanks to the awesomeness of the three day weekend provided by President's Day! Oh, did you not have Monday off? Fucking sucker.

1. The Olympic Fire Cauldron
Was there any doubt that the Canadians would find a way to fuck up the Opening Ceremonies? I mean, ANY doubt? Of course not. I'm just pissed that I sat through almost the entire telecast and then decided to go to bed before witnessing this absolute debacle. The funniest part about the whole thing is that it was Wayne Gretzky who didn't get to light his part of the flame. I mean, really? Kick Steve Nash or one of those other jerks out if you have to but you can't seriously tell me that it was the Great One who got the shaft here. Fucking priceless.

2. NBC
Forget the commercial-ridden coverage, the fucking moronic tape delay nonsense, the glossing over of the luger's death, the predictable "heart-warming" fluff stories and everything else, what really pissed me off was on Saturday when NBC had a segment pointing out the other mishaps in recent Opening Ceremonies. Look, assholes, they fucked up the MOST important part of the whole show! Lighting the torch is the culmination of the whole night and Canada fucked up. Just make fun of them like everyone else and move the fuck on.

3. The Mark Show
Now, I already said that I wrote my Olympic post before seeing Bill Simmons' repost on ESPN, but that doesn't excuse me from making pretty much every joke that he had already made. EIGHT years ago. I don't claim to be any sort of comedic genius but god damn that was some hackey shit. Made me feel dirty. Not dirty enough to take the post down or anything, but still, dirty all the same. Whatever.

4. Everyone except me who was just driving on Route 128 South
Jesus fuck, assholes. It's just a little snow! It's not even accumulating on the roads and yet you fuckers slow down to 10 miles an hour and clog everything up. Fucking jerks. I'm in a god damn hurry to get home and sit on the couch all night. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!

5. The Slam Dunk Contest
Ok, so I didn't watch it and I haven't seen a single highlight but from everything I've heard and read this was the worst dunk contest of all time. They need to up the stakes and get some marquee names in there or it's only going to get worse as we go forward. 10 years ago (holy SHIT I am old) we had pretty much reached this same abyss where the dunk contests were fucking terrible and then Vince Carter came along and resurrected everything. Well, we're at that point again and the only way this event is going to be saved is if Lebron is in it next year. What the fuck is your problem, Lebron? Get in there and fucking wow us! Asshole.

The Winter Olympics

Note: I wrote this BEFORE being notified that ESPN had linked to Bill Simmons' thumbs up/thumbs down column from 2002. God damn shit.

Nice fucking logo, Vancouver. Can't you Canadian puckheads do anything right?

Anyway, it's time for the Olympics! I enjoy the Olympics for the most part. It's an easy way to work up some good old fashioned patriotism with no real consequences either way. We win? U-S-A! U-S-A! We lose? Who gives a shit, it's the Olympics. That's why I don't understand people who don't like the Olympics and get all worked up about the fact that people are now cheering for sports that they don't give a shit about any other time of year. It's like hating on New Year's Eve, it's just not worth the energy.

Now obviously, some events are better than others, so let's go through a quick rundown of the events with a thumbs up or thumbs down (or thumbs sideways!), shall we? I'm not going to breakdown each event into all of its little sub-events, we'll just stick to the main categories as listed at the Olympics website.

Alpine Skiing - Thumbs Sideways
The downhill skiing events always captivate me for like 10 minutes before I get kinda bored with them. Yeah, there's the possibility of some horrific crash that could live on youtube for eternity but for the most part it's just people flying down the hill as you wait for each split time to see if they're going any faster than the top time so far.

However, it is pretty amazing how skiers almost never miss those gates. They're hauling fucking ass and somehow they manage to know exactly where to go to come within an inch or two of the gates. I can't even fathom that. Every single time I've ever played a Winter Olympics video game I miss like the second gate and get disqualified immediately. Pain in the ass.

Biathlon - Thumbs Down
The only even remotely cool part about these events is the shooting. And if I want to watch someone shoot a rifle it's almost fucking guaranteed that there's some cool ass sniper show on the military channel or one of the thousand other discovery type channels out there now. In fact, I got caught up watching one last night and ended up staying up way too late. It never gets old watching a cardboard cutout's head explode.

Bobsleigh, Luge, and Skeleton - Thumbs Up
Wait, bobSLEIGH? It's fucking bobSLED you stupid website! Jesus christ. The two-man luge provides enough cheap gay joke material as it is, you don't need to throw sleigh in there and make it even worse!

Even though this has the same element of watching the time splits as downhill skiing, for some reason it's a lot more exciting. I have no rational explanation for this but I could watch the push starts for the 4-man bobsled practically all day.

Even more exciting is the skeleton event, although I really don't understand how that became an event. I mean, is there any skill to it? Don't you just launch yourself down the track and pray to Jebus that you don't die? Because that's what I'd be doing.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It's bobsled time! Coooooooooool Runnings!

Cross Country and Nordic Combined - Thumbs Down
Only exciting when there's a sprint to the finish, and only because I've done a fair share of cross country skiing in my life and I don't know how the fuck they can go so fast.

Curling - Thumbs Up
I fucking love curling. Sure, it's one of the stupidest events ever but it's like shuffleboard, and I fucking love playing shuffleboard. It's a goddamn shame that more bars don't have shuffleboard tables. When I get a house and a man cave that's one of the first things I'm getting. Shuffleboard rules.

Figure Skating - Thumbs Up
I almost gave this a sideways because the Men's Figure Skating is awful. Some dude would have to do a sextuple salchow (however the fuck that's spelled) for me to be impressed at all. Women's Figure Skating and the pairs events are good though. You get some sexy little bitches showing off their asses and the possibility of them wiping out, which always happens? Good times. It's just a bummer that Sasha Cohen didn't make the team this year. Bur.


Freestyle Skiing - Thumbs Down
Completely ruined by the X Games. I mean, who gives a shit about doing a couple tricks off of some moguls when two weeks ago we were watching people do triple back flips and shit while flying 100 feet through the air. BO-RING!

Ice Hockey - Thumbs Sideways
In theory, this should be awesome. The best NHL players representing their countries going head to head. In reality, this whole thing gets fucked because the Olympics takes place in the middle of the NHL season and these guys just aren't as intense as they should be because they know they still have to play another 5 months of hockey, for money, once this is over. The Gold Medal game is usually pretty good though.

Don't even get me started on Women's Hockey. Sorry ladies, but it fucking sucks.

Short Track and Speed Skating - Thumbs Up
Always some good wipeout potential here, especially in the short track events. And in the long distance events I always pray for a collision when the skaters have to switch lanes, but that never happens, dammit.

However, there is potential for thumbs down here, I'll explain...Wifey and I started dating right around the time of the 2006 Winter Olympics and the height of the Apolo Anton Ohno bullshit. Shortly after that he was on Dancing with the Stars. So we're killing time before 24 and I flip to DWTS for a sec and she casually throws out something along the lines of, "Did you know I've met Apolo Anton Ohno?" Apparently she met him in college at some point. She says he's about 5'2" and a "fucking tool." He fucking better be woman, because if that stupid fucking soul patch was anywhere near your mouth it's over! Well, not really, we are having a kid in less than three months. Gah!

Ski Jumping - Thumbs Up
Come on. Crash. Crash damn you! Ah, dammit! And repeat over and over again. Good times. This is another video game Olympics event that completely flummoxed me as a child.

Snowboarding - Thumbs Down
Like freestyle skiing, completely ruined by the X Games. And honestly, I love padding out medal count, but seriously, I can't believe that the IOC agreed to add snowboarding to the Olympics. Just book the United States for gold and let's move on.

And there you have it, hopefully the Opening Ceremony has some cool shit tonight and the United States kicks a bunch of ass for the next 12 days or however long this shit lasts. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! I think I'll go watch Miracle now.

Monday Morning Eff You: The Late Edition!

Well, I'm still at home, in bed, thanks to my fucking piece of shit lower back, but now I've got the computer in bed with me and I'm not hopped up on painkillers so I can do this thing.

1. Peyton Manning
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, seriously, could there have been a more perfect way for the Colts to blow that game? No fucking way. That pick six was fucking glorious. Almost orgasmic. Tracy Porter is the fucking balls. He picked off Brett Favre two weeks ago and now he clinches the Super Bowl by taking a Manning pass to the house. Fucking. Awesome.

I also enjoyed Manning's half-assed effort to make a tackle. What a fucking twat. And GINORMOUS fuck you to anyway trying to claim that a flag should have been thrown for a block in the back on Manning. Seriously, fuck off. He wasn't making any attempt to tackle him, and he wasn't even facing the right fucking direction! Do we really have nothing left to do these days than nitpick little shit like that? Just fucking enjoy the play!

2. Tony Dungy
Did you see Dungy pop off last week before the game? You didn't? Oh well let me inform you...

"I think they're going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, 'Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship,' " Dungy said of Manning on Thursday. "He's going to have those rings Sunday night. I don't think it's going to be close. Minnesota is playing in New Orleans, they turn the ball over five times, have two or three stupid penalties and still lose in overtime, I don't see how it's going to be close. The Colts aren't going to turn it over seven times."

Well Tony, you were right about one thing, the Colts didn't turn it over seven times. All it took was one ho-hum interception returned for a TD. And I won't even get started on his cheap shots at Brady and Belichick.

But seriously, can everyone stop acting like Tony Dungy is such a fucking saint? (Ha, saint, Saints. Take that you fucker!) I actually kind of like that Dungy seems to have lost his mind with this interview. Makes him seem like an actual human being instead of the humanity robot that everyone makes him out to be. Look, people of the media, Tony Dungy is just as much of an asshole as every other coach in the NFL. Sure, he puts up a nice facade and speaks softly and hypnotizes you and all that bullshit but deep down he's an asshole like everyone else. Everyone talks about Dungy's faith and that he's almost like a preacher and shit but I really don't buy it. I hate to go down this road, and I mean no disrespect to the deceased, but his son fucking killed himself. Everyone talks about Dungy's influence on Mike Vick and everyone else but conveniently forgets about the fact that his own child took his own life. It's tragically sad and it's not that I want it brought up on national TV or anything, but it shouldn't just be forgotten that the saint and father figure of the NFL didn't even take care of his own son.

Now I feel dirty, let's move on.

3. Everyone who hyped up the Tim Tebow "anti-abortion" ad
Seriously? That was it? I was all fucking fired up to be outraged and then they hit us with this bullshit? Fuck that.



What a piece of shit commercial. Speaking of commercials....

4. Anyone at the party discussing the commercials for more than 2 seconds
Courtesy of D. Chuck:

A big hearty fuck you to people who spend more than one second talking about Super Bowl commercials. Jesus living fuck people, they're fucking commercials. Digest them for the 30 seconds that they're on, laugh if they're funny, consider buying the product if you find said product intriguing, or tell everyone in the room that the commercial sucked, and then move on. But you know who's even worse than the people who limit their fucking idiocy to merely talking about the goddamn commercials? People who insist on writing a wrap-up newspaper or internet column rating the fucking commercials during the Super Bowl. My fucking rageahol is off the damn charts with these fucking idiots. We don't need a column ranking the top 5 and bottom 5 commercials. We don't need a column with a fucking grading system for the commercials. We don't need any sort of hackneyed, lazy "thumbs up/down" bullshit. People - and I cannot stress this enough - there's a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME GOING ON. Enough with the goddamn hoopla about the commercials! Fuck!

Rageahol. I like that. But he's right, the commercials are a fucking afterthought. I blame the late '80s and entire '90s for all this commotion about the commercials. A lot of people have brought this up recently, but for a long time, the Super Bowl fucking sucked. With the exception of Joe Montana driving the length of the field against the Bengals (isn't it bizarre to think fo the Bengals being in a Super Bowl?) and the Scott Norwood Wide Right game, every Super Bowl was a fucking blow out. Thus, the commercials became essential to the appeal of the broadcast. And before we knew it, that shit got out of control. Now that we actually have good games the commercials don't matter as much, but that doesn't stop the pseudo-fans (men and women) from ignoring the game to yap about the commercials. Shut the fuck up, dipshits.

5. My back
Seriously, fuck you, Back. Just because I'm overweight and out of shape that doesn't give you the right to just quit on me. Fucking asshole. By the way, those muscle relaxants I got? Fucking amazing. I slept like a god damn baby last night. The only downside is the wicked cotton mouth. How much water do I have to drink to make that shit go away? Fuck!