Dorn of the Week Nominees: Martina Navratilova and Marat Safin

Last week, after the release of Andre Agassi's autobiography, which revealed that he had tested positive for crystal meth but lied his way out of a suspension, Martina Navratilova spoke up and said that she now views him in the same light as Roger Clemons. I considered making her a DOTW Nominee but I held back because for some reason I have a soft spot for Martina. And also, it's fucking tennis, and who gives a fuck, right?

But now, Marat Safin has opened his big fucking yap and suggested that Agassi should forfeit his titles and give back his winnings. And now I feel like I have to say something.

In the spirit of this blog...SHUT UP, DORN! Or in this case, Martina and Marat. Let's start with you, Martina. Are you fucking kidding me, comparing Agassi to Roger Clemens? Let's see, Clemens lied about steroids, which helped him to multiple Cy Young awards and propelled himself to the status of one of the greatest pitchers of all time. How does that even remotely compare to using crystal meth? Last time I checked, steroids enhanced performance and crystal meth seriously inhibited performance. Not that I would actually know in either case.

And you, Marat, where the fuck do you get off saying that Agassi should relinquish his titles? If Agassi was doing crystal meth AND winning titles, that's fucking amazing. Imagine if he hadn't been doing that shit? He might have even more titles. I'm sure you wouldn't give up your titles and money if it came out that you beat someone who was impaired because he was using, right? And as for questioning Agassi's motives for coming out with this information now? Of course he's trying to sell books! Shocking! But there's also the fact that Agassi has gone on the record saying that this secret has weighed on his conscience for years and he wanted to get it off his chest.

So both of you, shut the fuck up and move on with your lives. This doesn't put a black mark on tennis in even the slightest way. If anything, it's bringing attention to your sport, which has plummeted in recent years as far as public interest goes. So maybe you should be a little bit grateful that people are actually talking about tennis in terms other than the star power of Federer, Nadal, and fat-ass Serena.

Source: ESPN

Excellent Work, Skins Fans

Remember on Friday when I urged people going to the Falcons-Skins game to bring as many anti-Snyder signs as possible? Well fucking A, the Skins fans are even more dedicated than I thought! People actually drove from D.C. to Atlanta just to show off signs deriding that little troll Dan Snyder. How does that guy sleep at night? He's clearly a sensitive little prick so it's not like he's running around saying 'fuck it' and then banging a hooker and calling it a night. I picture him downing a bottle of Chardonnay, then crying himself to sleep as he hugs his teddy. Fucking pussy.

Source, and many more pictures: DC Sports Blog

Monday Morning Eff You: November 9, 2009

Welcome to Monday Morning Fuck You, a recap of everyone and everything from the weekend that deserves a giant middle finger aimed squarely in their direction.

1. The Green Bay Packers

Wow. Way to kill the dream of a 2nd straight season with an 0-16 team, assholes. That was fucking pathetic. Rookie head coach who doesn't seem to know what the fuck he's doing starts his 3rd different starting QB of the season (who happens to be a rookie making his first career start) and you get blown the fuck out? Weren't you people supposed to contending for the NFC North, if not the Super Bowl? What happened?

On the other hand, you guys probably took out a nice chunk of the people remaining in my suicide poo---wait, NO ONE picked the Packers? What the fuck? Well then double fuck you, Green Bay! Worthless pieces of shit.

Also, I found out today that our own BamaDawg is a Packers fan. Wait just one god-damn second. A Packers fan AND a Yankees fan? Holy fucking frontrunner, Batman! You're not a Lakers fan, are you dude? Holy shit.

2. Brett Favre

Hmmm, the Vikings had their bye week this weekend, and yet Peter King STILL managed to shoehorn this fucker into his MMQB column like 47 times. He's like herpes. Even if there's not an outbreak, he can still be transmitted!

3. The Dolphins fan sitting in my section on Sunday

This fucking guy, god, what a fucking asshole. Let's say you're a Dolphins fan and you've got a ticket to watch them take on the Pats at Gillette Stadium. And let's say that you decide to support your team by wearing your bright orange, authentic Chad Pennington jersey (more on that in a second). Now, if you had an IQ above 65, you'd probably expect to be heckled a little bit, right? Just a little, right?

Well, not this guy. After Ricky Williams scored to tie the game at 10 apiece, this guy and his buddy stood up and cheered, as is their obvious right to do. A couple guys sitting in the row behind me threw a few good natured taunts their way. I swear to god, it was good natured. This wasn't your stereotypical Boston-area taunt, filled with obscenities and vulgarities that would send any parent with a young child sprinting for the exits. It was pretty harmless. But dickhead over there had to turn around, pretend to be tough, curse a couple times even though there were kids in the area, and generally make an ass of himself. God, what a touchy little douchebag.

Every year I go to at least one Indians-Sox game, and I ALWAYS wear my obnoxious t-shirt that has a ginormous (suck it, BamaDawg!) Chief Wahoo on it. And every year, I get heckled like crazy. I even had a chick intentionally spill her beer on me (fucking cunt) at a bar after an Indians win. But that's all part of the fun. If I responded like this prick did, it would ruin everything. And that just won't do.

As for the Pennington jersey...yikes. First of all, this thing was authentic from the Pro Shop. It wasn't some defective version from Korea that you can find on Craigslist or Ebay for like 80 bucks. This sucker was at least $250. Really? For Chad Pennington. Pennington joined the Dolphins last year after being dropped from the Jets after they sold their souls for Brett Favre. Did this guy really think it was a good idea to spend money on an aging QB with a noodle arm who had never won anything in his life and had just joined the team? Is the situation that fucking bad in Miami? Well, I guess it kinda is, but still. Get Ronnie Brown or something. A fucking Pennington jersey. I still can't stop laughing about it.

4. The Boston Celtics

How dare you lose a game! How dare you!

Friday night my wife got a craving for Fuddrucker's. Fine by me! We picked up her 16-year old brother and his girlfriend because they wanted to come to and off we went. Normally when I go to Fuddrucker's, I get the half-pound original with bacon, avocadoes and cheddar cheese. But on Friday, all I'd eaten all day was a bowl of cereal and a bagel, so I was fucking STARVING. I started thinking, hmmm, I've never attempted the one pound burger. I wonder if I could finish it? I bet I can. "Hi, I'll take the one pound original with bacon, avocado and cheddar cheese, please." The cashier turned around and yelled "One pounder!" into the kitchen. Wait, he didn't do that for the other sizes. Shit. Now lemme tell you, this was a fucking GINORMOUS (one more and BamaDawg's head will explode. It's like saying Beatlejuice three times!) piece of meat. To really add to the task, I added tomatoes, pickles, onions and jalepenos.

And you know what? I ate the whole motherfucking thing. And it was delicious. But then, about halfway home, I reeeaaally didn't feel so hot. One of three things was going to happen, and soon: I needed to lie down, I needed to puke, or I needed to shit. Something had to give. I tried burping to get rid of some air in my stomach, but sadly, there was none. All meat. I started sweating like crazy and told Wifey that I needed to be dropped off before she took her brother home. What did Wifey do? Laughed her fucking ass off. Laughed, and laughed, and then laughed some fucking more. Thanks for the support, lady. Anyway, I made it home without soiling myself or puking on the steering wheel and then spent the rest of the night either lying on the couch or sitting on the toilet. And to make matters worse, I had to watch the Celtics' 82-0 season go down the figurative shitter. But I never puked! And it's a good thing, too, cuz then the one pounder wouldn't have counted and I would have had to try it again.

5. BoozeRob
You mean now I have manually count the number times I say "fuck" in each post and calculate my FPP? Well fuck you fucking fuck! How much free time do you think I have??

6. Anyone complaining about the profanity on this site

Fuck you.

/starts counting

Dorn of the Week: Joey Porter

Hey everybody! Your Dorn of the Week is Joey Porter! What's that you say? He wasn't even nominated last week? Well fuck you! I make the rules, my little bitches.

Seriously though, does Joey Porter really ever need actually be nominated for Dorn of the Week. I mean the guy's always running his mouth, making ridiculous statements, crying like the abused child that he is, so there's really no need to point it out week after week. The guy is a grade-A asshole and sometimes it's just best to tune him out.

So when he gave interview after fucking interview to each and every dipshit reporter who thinks he's getting some outrageous soundbyte when Porter talks about how hates the Pats (for the millionth time), how the Pats cheated him out of two Super Bowl rings (blowing homefield advantage wasn't his fault!), and now, how Tom Brady can ask for a penalty flag and receive it any time he wants, I pretty much just let it go. After all, the guy is an idiot. He can't help himself. Whatever.

But then! Here comes gameday! And what does Porter do to exact his revenge on the evil Patriots? Jack. Fucking. Shit. Zero sacks. Zero tackles. Zero assists. Fucking NOTHING! Oh how sweet it is. And the best part, is that the Miami Herald has balls to call the Pats organization classless for putting this on the Jumbotron towards the end of the game.

Hey, you can't argue with the stats, people. Porter talked a big game and then got his ass handed to him by a rookie offensive guard and never got close enough to Brady to even sniff his Stetson. So fuck you, Joey Porter! And enjoy your time as Dorn of the Week.

And while we're here, don't think I forgot about you, Roy Williams! You're just lucky ol' fuckhead came along and decided not to make a SINGLE play yesterday or it would be your whiny ass occupying this spot. Oh, you made 5 catches for 75 yards and your team won? Well guess who Tony Romo looked for with the game on the line? That's right, Miles Austin, the supposed #2 receiver! Listen, asshole, just shut up and play and we can all move along.

Pass the Blount!

Oregon and the Pac 10 today reinstated tailback LeGarrette Blount who has been suspended since a week 1 freak out after a total ass-kicking on the Smurf Turf by Boise State.

Is anyone really shocked by this? Oregon is the dirtiest fucking program in all of College Football. I don't care so much about the punch, but his fucking freak out after the punch is what deserved the season long suspension. Anytime a player in any sport attempts to go after the fucking crowd he should get the boot.

Coincidentally, the announcement of Blount's reinstatement comes after Oregon's backup running back LaMichael James was banged up during last weeks curb stomping by the might Tree of Stanford. Weird. Good thing for College Football that Blount is fat shell of himself.

By the way, what's with all the players with "La" or "Le" in front of their first names? I guess thats what you get from College Football's version of Project Runway.

New feature at OGDH

So I've been getting a lot of questions lately, about 90% of them are some variation of "what's with all the fucks?" Well as our tagline says: If you're offended by the word fuck, then get the fuck out! To celebrate our extravagant use of the F-bomb, we are adding a feature called "The Fucking Standings."

Just what the fuck is "The Fucking Standings"? Well think of it as the leaderboard for the use of fuck on this site. That's right, anytime one of our esteemed bloggers writes fuck or any variation of fuck, it goes on to the total. On top of that, we have created a stat to measure the frequency that each of us uses the word fuck. Enter the FPP... short for Fucks Per Post. Baseball has K's per 9 innings, football has yards per carry, and we have Fucks Per Post.

You are probably wondering "Why would you track such a stupid stat?" Well sir, then I have a question for  you....

Why the fuck not?

Current standings as of 11/8/2009:

Name	Fucks	FPP*
TheMarkShow	275	10.19
BoozeRob	107	4.86
BamaDawg	14	3.5

*FPP denotes 'Fucks Per Post'

Mmmmm That's Good Schadenfreude

Holy motherfucking tits what a great day of college football!

First, those little fucksticks from Iowa finally used up their ninth life and couldn't come back for the 100th fucking week in a row. And Boise State gladly moves up a spot in the BCS. Thanks, Northwestern!

Then, Oregon waltzes into Stanford, still drunk from celebrating the shitbeating of USC last week and promptly shits all over the field. And Boise State gladly listens to the silence as all the fucking douchebag pieces of shit like Dan Shanoff shut the fuck up about how Oregon should have been ranked higher than BSU, regardless of the head to head result. Seriously, this is a sport where the media constantly criticizes the system, and rightly so, because championships are decided by the voters, and not on actual game results, and yet here is a situation where two teams actually played each other and they are just completely discounting the results. No wonder college football is so fucked. The dickheads running the show are incompetent, and the media is even fucking worse. Fuck.

And finally, Notre Dame loses to Navy. At home. Thank. Fucking. God. If those Irish pricks had weaseled their way into a BCS bowl only to crushed for the millionth time it would have been absolutely outrageous. Fuck Notre Dame.

(By the way, I did a google image search for "nelson haha" to get that picture. An entire page of different variations came up. Except for one picture, that was just three naked dudes in various states of arousal. So, thanks for that, google. Jerks.)